And sometimes, it's like tonight's PPV: not good, not bad, just flamboyantly bland. At few, if any, points did it feel like No Way Out was actually a PPV. A couple matches were definitely a notch better than typical Thursday fare, but the show as a whole had a hard time creating a Major Event Aura.

It made for a tolerable, if not exactly memorable, night of wrestling action. Here are the full details of the just-completed WWE No Way Out pay-per-view (with some additional editorial commentary tacked on in the customary red italics):

• On Heat: I dunno... I was running way late tonight, and I *did* catch a cool Kurt Angle promo (designed to turn him heel for his hometown crowd) before I left, but then the drive to meet buddies at Dreaded Hooters was 20 minutes, and it's not like they show Heat anyway, so I have no idea....
   
  
• Opening Video Package/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in Pittsburgh, PA... or as I like to call it, The Town What Ruined My New Year's Resolution After Only 23 Days. We say hey-howdy to Cole and Tazz, and also to the filthy Spaniards, and then it's time to get this party started....
    
  
• Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero beat the Bashams to win the WWE Tag Team Titles. First five minutes were very fluid, and had Eddie and Rey working together flawlessly with rapid tags and all that. Nothing spectacular, but a nice way for a show to ingratiate itself to a crowd, if I do say so myself. Towards the end of that sequence, Eddie *did* get caught in the wrong part of town for a grand total of about 45 seconds, and made a Decoy Hot Tag to Rey to give the babyfaces the advantage again... but sadly, that didn't last.  Rey came in a house afire, but wound up in the ring against the Power Basham (Danny?), and eventually got caught in a full nelson, and then in an inverted bearhug for a bit. Rey had hope spots peppered in (including a gorgeous moonsault), but his job here was to be the babyface in peril, and he did it for a good 6-7 minutes. There were a couple of near falls for the Bashams, but nothing really convincing, since the Tag Team Formula was in effect, and it seemed like the live crowd was as wise to it as I was, and knew that Rey would make the Real Hot Tag here eventually... and sho 'nuff: around the 12 minute mark, Rey makes the hot-'n'-spicy tag to Latino Heat. 
   
  Eddie runs through a few textbook babyface heat sequence spots, but then falls prey to a numbers game: both Bashams get the better of him, and it takes a save from still-spent Rey to save him. But Eddie's beginning to sense that even though they've regained control, he might need a little extra edge: so he goes outside and grabs a tag belt... but Rey stops him, gesturing in everybody's favorite fashion (Broadly) to indicate "Hey, homes, we got them beat already, no shenanigans!"...  Eddie no likey being talked up to by the little man, but he relents and gets back in the ring. He goes for a Frog Splash, but D. Basham rolls out of the way: Eddie rolls through, and is not hurt, but decides to play possum, so when D. Basham gets up, he thinks Eddie whiffed on the Frog Splash and is hurt... but no: Eddie goes for a small package... but luckily, while Eddie was up to shenanigans, the Bashams had also switched illegaly, so D. Basham was able to kick out. At this point, D. Basham threw a tag belt into the ring, and Eddie caught it, but immediately hot-potatoed it over to D. Basham; the ref saw this, and didn't know what to make of it, so he just grabbed the title belt, and tossed it back to the timekeeper... but while he was doing that, Rey tossed the OTHER tag belt in to Eddie, who used it to clock D. Basham. Then Rey hit the cool ring-post-assisted (619) on D. Basham, so those two powdered out.  Eddie made the cover on D. Basham, and three seconds later, we had new tag champs. Huh.  [Not at all the finish I'd have suspected... but they did plant the seeds for some additional Eddie/Rey tension over the issue of how much cheating would be appropriate, and I guess maybe this means the Dudleys *do* come back as heels? Still: a formula match for about 12 minutes, which is tolerable when you have guys this good executing it... and then I gotta admit that I did dig the final 3-4 minutes of Eddie-tastic chicanery. A solid opener.]
   
  
• Backstage: GM Teddy Long is talking to some schmuck. Sound fucking sucks at Hooters, but I think it was basically "Give Batista whatever he wants when he shows up." Then Carlito interrupted, with some MILF in tow, and seemed to cut a promo on Teddy that amounted to "If you don't sign Batista to jump over to SD!, then you will be fired."  I have just been informed that the MILF was the wife of a WWE Board Member who has Inside Information as it pertains to Teddy's employment status as GM of SD!. And I guess she's the kind of classy dame that Carlito happens to find Cool... Interesting.
   
  
• Rookie Diva Crap Round 1.  Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie came out and did some guest commentary while SD!'s "rookie divas" displayed their evening gowns. They're all quite lovely, I'm sure, but the only one riveting *my* eyeballs is one Michelle McCool, for reasons previously explained and related to my anatomically anomalous brain-boner. The crowd seems to react to Joy, slightly less to Michelle, and then basically turns against Rochelle and Lauren, on the grounds that NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS WHO THEY ARE!  Do I need to explain again how anonymous boobs are not the solution to anything WWE? Or better yet, do I need to sic Erin Anderson on you and the Useless Divas?
   
  
• #4 in An Ongoing Series: the Pulp Fiction parody. It seemed like nobody had seen it, but even with the sound sucking at Hooters, the mere sight of the wigs went over GANGBUSTERS with the assembled crowd.  
   
  
• Booker T defeated Heidenreich by disqualification. Prostetnic Vogon Heidenreich prefaced the match with a poem. Humorously, it was EXACTLY as good as any freestyle done by John Cena in the last 8 months.  I.e.: not very. And then I decided to make use of the facilities, and by the time I came back, Heidenreich was WORKING a wristlock of some kind. Thrilling TV. Booker made a comeback, hit a Spinaroonie to a nominal pop, but in so doing, gave Heidenreich enough time to recover a bit. Heidenreich hit another move or two, but couldn't put Booker away, so he got frustrated... he went out to ringside, grabbed a steel chair, and just blatantly whapped Booker with it in front of the ref.  Instant DQ.  Heidenreich immediately put the chair aside, tossed Booker into the ring, and mimicked a pinfall, counting three for himself (MORAL VICTORY FOR HEIDENREICH~! ALERT THE OO vs. WL PPV PREDICTIONS AUDITOR~! HEIDENREICH WINS~!), and then leaving the ring muttering about how he didn't lose.  Whee.  [I didn't have a good grasp since I missed the opening part of the match, but I'm guessing maybe 8 minutes? And slow, plodding, and unexciting for the entirety that I saw. The finish was also VERY anticlimactic, though it seemingly accomplishes the mission of "protecting" Booker, while advancing the idea that Heidenreich is a nutcase...  which means Heidenreich remains in play for the dreaded Tag Team Crossbrand Match of Suck at WM21. Not good stuff here, not at all. And on top of that, it makes me fear for the future.]
   
  
• Backstage: the babyface jobber squad is congratulating Eddie and Rey on their big win. Again, I get absolutely NONE of this, thanks to Hooters sound. Then John Cena walks in, and everybody but Eddie powders out. Things start jovial enough, but then turn serious, and I gather that Eddie was basically giving a "don't tap out, homes" speech, because if Cena really WANTS it, he'll have to fight through the anklelock, fight through the pain, and then by not tapping out, he'll frustrate Angle, and then Angle will make a mistake, and that's when Cena can steal a win over a VERY talented foe.  Something along those lines...  Cena's best promo in months~!  And he didn't even say a word~!
   
  
• Chavo Guerrero won a Six-Man Elimination Match to win the Cruiserweight Title.  Paul London has apparently been granted a Wardrobe Budget, and has blown it on the Junior Ultimate Warrior Starter Kit (complete with funky fur bathrobe and insane boot tassles). London's wardrobe also probably means that WWE has arrived at the same conclusion that we fans arrived at months ago: that London needs more TV time. And sure enough, he starts the match, and never once tags out... the entire match is the Story of London.  He first eliminates CW Champ Funaki in some flukey fashion that involved an involuntary assist from Spike Dudley. Then 10 seconds later, London hauled Spike into the ring and eliminated him. D'oh: this match moved WAY too fast. It didn't get any better, as London pinned Shannon Moore with a 450 splash about 90 seconds later...  but then we did settle in for some goodness: London and Akio did a full 5 minutes or so together, it seemed like. Very back and forth, and with London having already worked 3 minutes and eliminated 3 guys, he was able to play the underdog effectively.  Finally, the two seemed to have taken each other to the limit, and were evenly matched, and ended up on the top rope together: from there, London countered and re-countered to end up hitting a SWEET flying top rope reverse neckbreaker. The live crowd: silent. Idiots. Both guys down, and so the ref starts a double count: Chavo stands at ringside, fresh as a daisy, and is cheering for both men to be counted down.  Finally, London makes it to his feet at 9.9, while Akio stays down for the count; Akio is eliminated in a rather distastefully lame fashion.  But Chavo comes in and turns the Cocky Prick Dial up to 11. Sure that he'll beat the decimated London, Chavo is very nonchalant about a few covers and a few offensive moves...  but sure enough, London manages to fire up and hit a big heat sequence (in name only, the crowd didn't give a shit).  He even hit one of my all-time favorite moves: the wicked-looking Dragon Suplex.  But then when London went for some pinning combo, Chavo rolled through it, used the ropes for illegal leverage, and scored the ill-gotten title win.  BOO~! [If it was more than 10 minutes, I'll eat a bug, which is CRIMINAL given how much time they put into the Diva Crap... I do, however, think this was way better while it lasted than the live crowd treated it, and also fundamentally approve of the story. In my PPV picks/fantasy booking, I had Spike winning the title, but this story amounts to the same thing: London got robbed, and will get his due reward at WM21... which will be sweet.  A good, but too short match.]
   
  
• Rookie Diva Crap Part 2.  This was the "talent competition," I gather.  To much own immense surprise, WWE's chyron for Joy actually DID list the two most hilariously stupid "credentials" for her that I listed in my joke-version of her profile on Friday: "Big Show's Special Friend" and "Massage Therapist." Jesus. And her "talent" was giving Torrie and allegedly sexy massage. OMG~! She touched Torries shoulder~! So HOTTTTTTT~! Then Rochelle did something that I couldn't make out given the bad sound, but for all the world it sure SEEMED like the crowd just turned on her and started booing lustily. YAY for Pittsburgh. Then Lauren did some dancing, and hit enough naughty spots that the crowd couldn't QUITE bring themselves to boo, even though you could tell they kinda wanted to.  And then My Michelle's turn: she grabbed a mic away from Dawn Marie and said that all this other stuff was well and good, but she wanted to get physical. Dawn made the mistake of getting up in her face and asking "Oh, yeah? What you got, bitch?" So Michelle up and bodyslammed her. That's my girl. Or what passed for My Girl on the barren wasteland of SD! Divas when the bizarrely appealing Hiroko is not around.  Seriously: let's just trade Michelle over to RAW and let her sink or swim...  she's just doesn't fit in with this other crap on SD!....
   
  
• Backstage: JBL was interviewed by Josh Mathews. And he turned in a rather solid promo, in a different tone that what we're used to. No laughs, not hijinx, just intensity.  Instead of his usual crazy boasting, he seemed to have an undertone of nervousness, but by the end, he managed to give HIMSELF a pep talk, and hit the punchline: that he is a wrestling god, and that he will walk out of that cage tonight with his WWE Title.  Not bad.
   
  
• Undertaker beat Luther Reigns.  Pure formula here, folks, except stretched out about twice as long as it should have been if they didn't have anything more in mind. Taker started fast (even hitting an Old School about 2 minutes in, which just bugs the crap out of me, since that's WAY too early to hit a move that SHOULD be so well-scouted by any Taker opponent). But then Luther took over a few minutes later, and apparently maintained that through another Facilities Break by The Me.  I came back and Taker was just starting to fire up (to surprisingly little heat), and he hit a chokeslam... but when he went for a Tombstone, Luther reversed it into the Roll of the Dice... Taker kicked out. Luther tried to hit his finisher again, but Taker reversed it into a DDT. Following up on that, Taker hit the Tombstone, and got the pinfall win. [About 12 minutes, I think, and not bad by any means...  but also just boring, too long, and not "PPV ready" by any means...  I still think this was a chance for Luther to get a boost up, but WWE apparently disagreed, and just offered him up as the anonymous lamb for Taker.  Just an energy black hole on a PPV... I hate having what passes for momentum sapped like that...  Even Taker fans couldn't really feel THAT fired up by this win, could they?]
   
  
• #3 in an Ongoing Series: the Stacy Keibler/Basic Instinct spoof. Not unexpectedly, this went over even better than the Pulp Fiction one... at least until the unnecessary final 15 seconds...
   
  
• Rookie Diva Crap Part 3. The bikini contest. Yay for skin~! Hilariously, the two most useless of the divas seemed to get crapped on AGAIN by the live crowd (Rochelle, bimbo that she is, couldn't even navigate a simple little slutty wiggle without nearly breaking an ankle on those ricockulous heels of hers; even though, dare I mention it, that Michelle slammed the hell out of Dawn while wearing hers in the previous segment!).  Joy got a good response live, but Michelle (PRAISE JESUS~!) actually seemed to get more cheers once it was put up to the popular vote.  But then they checked the online voting, and Joy CRUSHED with over 2/3rds of the vote (Michelle was second with close to 20%, and then the others were in single digits, and rightly so: again, WWE, do you want ME to explain why this is, or do you want the Broad to fantasy book Rochelle into a pool of her own puke?). I'm not saying I'm surprised (Joy is the only one who has gotten any TV time), but I thought WWE fans might have latched on to the bodyslam and the actual Potential To Actually Wrestle that My Michelle brings to the table, so that it wouldn't have been such a blow out...
   
  
• John Cena beat Kurt Angle to earn a WM21 WWE Title Match. Pittsburgh showed Angle no love, hometown boy or not. Basic feeling out for a few minutes, but then Angle hit this AWESOME German Suplex, ramming Cena's head and neck into the top turnbuckle.  Not new, but I can't remember where I've seen it before, and so thus, I mark out like and idiot.  Angle controls from there, and it's kind of basic for about 6 minutes... but once Cena starts his comeback, it really does get quite good.  Because Cena comes back, but Angle never REALLY relinquishes control. It's more like Cena has hope spots of varying believability (there was one good one where he busted out a guillotine legdrop off the second rope), but Angle always came back to put the punk kid in his place.  After a few minutes of this dynamic, Angle finally locked in his first anklelock of the match... Cena got the rope break pretty quickly though. More back and forth, and Cena actually did hit an F-U, but was hurt enough that he couldn't follow up quickly: once he finally made the cover, Angle was able to kick out. And from there, Angle again took the advantage, and started decimating Cena's right leg (not just the ankle, but definitely with showing the ankle some favoritism).  This all built up to ANOTHER anklelock, and this time, Cena had to really battle for 60 seconds or so (I still think he didn't do a good job of following up on Eddie's "don't tap out, no matter how bad it hurts" speech, since he never put the hand out or sold that he WANTED to tap, which he really should have if he'd been thinking). But he got another rope break... more back and forth, and then there was a very mild ref bump. Angle decided to try to take advantage by grabbing Cena's chain, but Cena had recovered enough to kick Angle in the gut, and hit an F-U out of nowhere.  The ref recovered pretty quickly, and crawled over to make the slow, dramatic three count. [Somewhere around 18 minutes, and easily my Match of the Night...  which is nice, but I still liked Orton/Christian better than this, so... well, I guess I'm saying No Way Out peaked just slightly lower than the last RAW, which isn't great news.  As good a Cena match as we've seen in a while, though, although it didn't seem to have semi-main-event caliber sizzle... a little HBK might not have been a bad idea, really.]
   
  
• JBL beat Big Show to retain the WWE Title. Champ entered first, Big Show second. Then they chained them into the cage ("escape" was still a way to win, but the implication is that you'd have to go out over the top if you wanted to win that way). They came out pretty much at full speed, or what passes for full speed from these two: no restholds, not stalling, just Pure Slobberknocker, which was OK.  JBL actually takes the early advantage, and tries to make an escape over the top, only to fine the cage ringing in barbed wire (he actually came down with a lacerated forearm after his attempt to find a way to escape).  But once down, he weathered a mini-Show-comeback, and then sent Show crashing into the cage. Show came up with a crimson mask after that bump.  But once Show tasted his own blood, he made a comeback, and tossed JBL head first into the cage. Now we had dueling Crimson Masks... but with Show in control, JBL's cabinet made a run in (Orlando tried to climb the cage, while the Bashams used some lopping shears to cut a small hole in the cage). When GM Teddy Long came out to eject the Cabinet from ringside, the Bashams were able to put the shears into the ring, using the little hole they cut. JBL instantly used them to KO Big Show.  JBL controlled for a few more minutes, and eventually decided to try to make an escape: he grabbed the shears, and tried to go up top to cut his way through the barbed wire (nice thinking!)... but Show caught up. After some VERY obvious maneuvering (the two guys just kind of hung out on the top rope for 60 seconds or more, and sauntered over to one side of the cage, and then sauntered back, VERY fakey and choreographed), Show grabbed JBL by the throat, and chokeslammed him off the top rope... and OMG~! JBL crashes THROUGH the mat~!  Think Bam Bam/Taz (or think the WWE equivalent that I'm blanking on right now)... credit where it's due: I hadn't noticed guys avoiding that corner, so I DEFINITELY didn't see that coming.  
   
  Show is not exactly an agile man, so he had to find some safe way down off the top rope, which took a while. And then, instead of just dragging JBL up and pinning him, Show decided he wanted to escape the cage. But he's not going out over the top, which means he has to figure out some way through a chained door.  Huh.  But Show is MIGHTY, and actually snaps the chain (after another delay), and manages to step out of the ring. But as soon as Show does that, the bell rings. Whhhaaaa? Show hasn't touched the floor, he's still on the steps!  But JBL *has* touched the floor outside the cage!  A camera cuts over to a different side of the ring, and JBL has crawled out of the hole in the ring, and is sprawled at ringside, the winner of the match!  [Somewhere in the 12-15 minute region, and not a bad little brawl. They came out fast, which telegraphed that it'd be on the shorter side, but that's fine: it's as it should be. But when we get to End Game, that's where I have some issues. Part of me got into the final 3 minutes or so, in the heat of the moment.... but another part that I just canNOT turn off is kind of annoyed at the general retardation and fakeness. The 60 seconds of cooperative stalling on the top rope looked bad, and then Show wasting time playing with chains instead of just pinning JBL was mega-dumb... but I still can't shake the idea that the visual of JBL going through the ring was cool, and that him crawling out under the ring is a pretty damned creative way for him to steal the win.  Two warring natures, and I don't know which one wins...  I settle it this way: the JBL-crawling-to-victory *is* a very cool and creative finish, and they could have almost TOTALLY eliminated my concerns if they'd just made it "Escape Only" rules. Then Show wouldn't have seemed like such a retard. Final analysis: average brawl, creative finish, but with a heaping helping of Logic Holes, as per WWE Idiot Hollywood Writer custom...]
   
  
• After the Match: Show was furious, and attacked JBL at ringside, but that's when the Cabinet re-appeared to back up JBL... in the 4-on-1, Show was on the losing end, but that's when Batista FINALLY showed up (in full ring gear). He annihilated the Bashams and Jordan, but JBL once again escaped up the entrances aisle.  But as he was beating his retreat, John Cena came out and cut him off. Trapped between two possible WM21 challengers, JBL didn't know what to do. Cena got to him first, and dragged him over to a staging area... there, Cena slammed JBL off a mini-stage and through some tables.  Then, Cena started making "I want the belt" gestures, while Batista gave him the skunk eye: the two final competitors in the  Royal Rumble seemed like they might want more of each other... and it goes without saying that JBL would have some say in that, too.  [An interesting finish: they REALLY seemed to up the Tease Factor in terms of Batista actually considering a jump to SD!... and poor JBL: he's the total whipping boy, but he's still got the gold.  I think Batista was basically just here for appearances, though, and the Cena/JBL finish is what you need to focus on, while Batista's appearance is just kind of a way to use a SD! PPV to goose viewers into remembering to watch RAW the next day. Afterall, Batista makes his decision tomorrow night, and Teddy Long's job is on the line, and a possible simmering issue with Cena now seems to exist, and it's all very interesting... kind of. I suspect most of us reading OO don't think Batista's gonna jump, but still, listening to people talk at Hooters, WWE DEFINITELY accomplished what they wanted to: people were actually talking about a SD! three-way title match at WM21 as they walked out.  That's not unremarkable.]
   
  

Not enough meat here for a Thumbs Up call, folks.  The main event itself is the microcosm of the whole show: not bad, really, but causing me just enough of the Nagging Gripes to keep it from being a truly enjoyable experience.  The general sense that the entire first 2/3rds of the show was more Thursday-caliber than PPV-caliber sure didn't help...

And the Divas getting three separate 5-plus minute segments while the cruisers get one 7-8 minute match? So awful. I mean, the cruisers might have played to silence, but doesn't that still beat the BOOS that half the rookie divas were getting because of their anonymous uselessness?

Anyway, if more thoughts/analysis occur to me, they'll be in tomorrow's OO column, along with any other news/fall-out from the show. So I'll see you then, folks....