So his Royal Rickness then asked his loyal trOOps if someone else would like to recap No Mercy. Well, he may as well have 

(A)         I've sat through UWF Beach Brawl, Heroes of Wrestling, WCW Uncensored, and even attended this year's WWE Great American Bash in person; surely I can handle this.

(B)         Rick promised to pay me double what he normally does… hey, wait!

(C)         I'm taking any chance I can get to plug my book. Come on, people: if I sell just two more copies, I can finally afford that operation!!!

(D)         The videotape of this fiasco is sure to be a collector's item.

(E)         Writing this somehow counts as "community service" towards my current prison sentence.

(F)         It was either sit home and watch this crap or go out on a hot date tonight.

(G)         Monday is Canadian Thanksgiving, so I can't use "have to wake up early for work tomorrow" as an excuse.

(H)         Rick tells me chicks dig recappers.

There we go. Now, on to the PPV. I'll try to emulate The Rick, with my comments in italics after the match:

We open with a grainy video highlighting the Batista and Eddie Guerrero issues, as well as the current problems between The Undertaker and The Ortons. Wow, three weeks of backstory packed into one exciting package!

Michael Cole and Tazz welcome us to The Toyota Center in Houston, Texas, and Tazz proclaims "No Mercy will be off the charts. Trust me." I'm videotaping this so that I have evidence when I sue the poor bastard.

Match # 1: Road Warrior Animal, Heidenreich and Christy Vs. MNM

Melina is decked out in a "Miss Bitch" T-Shirt. Cole references the "late, great Hawk" as the voice at the beginning of LOD 2K5's entrance theme. "He's the one literally rolling over in his grave right now," Cole may have wanted to add. Animal's shoulder is taped up by what looks to be duct tape. Think Flyin' Brian from War Games if you need a visual.

MNM work over Animal's injured shoulder. A lot of high-pitched screaming here, and I'm assuming that's Melina. MNM hit Animal with a variation of the 3-D and only get two. Outside the ring, Melina applies a headscissors to Animal, which Tazz fully approves of. MNM continue to work over the shoulder, while Heidenreich looks like a moron in the corner, leading the crowd in an "L-O-D! L-O-D!" chant. In retrospect, I can't even recall if he officially tagged in during the entire match.

Melina tries to jump off the top rope onto Animal, and it works about as well as you think it might. Then Christy tags in makes short work of Miss Bitch. Animal and Christy deliver a doomsday device on Melina, which is neither a great nor terrible attempt, for the three-count. 

Winners: Animal/Heidenreich/Spaz

(Ehh. I can't say I approve of the decision. But MNM has to win the belts back eventually, right? RIGHT? Well, at least the match was relatively short and painless; I'll give it that.)

Backstage, Batista is warming up when The New and Improved Eddie Guerrero™ enters his locker room. "I just have one thing to say to you… (dramatic pause) good luck." Big Dave retorts with "Hey Eddie. Good luck to you too, man." OMG, you can cut the tension with a knife!

We cut to LOD and Christy, who are answering questions on WWE Instant Access, a type of post-match chat I remember from the AOL days.

Match # 2: Bobby Lashley Vs. Simon Dean

The fitness guru comes to the ring first on his segway, followed by Some Guy holding a plate of double-cheeseburgers. Simon tells us that Houston, Texas is apparently the fattest city in America. I thought that was Springfield? Anyways, Dean says that if he can't beat Lashley, he will eat all 20 double-cheeseburgers in one sitting. Uh… you want fries with that?

What comes next is surprising, unless you've ever watched one minute of professional wrestling in your lifetime. Lashley simply destroys Simon, who even attempts to use the burger tray as a weapon. If I recall correctly, that's how Flair won his first world title in '81. Lashley is rather impressive hoisting Dean up on his back, until he accidentally drops his opponent. A second attempt at the dominator is successful and a quick three-count follows. 

Winner: Bobby Lashley.

(This is exactly what they need to do more of. Ain't nothing wrong with creating a new Goldberg and having him destroy people in rapid succession, especially goofs like Simon Dean.)

After the match, Lashley force-feeds Simon a whopper and suggests that he live up to his pre-match vow of finishing the other 19.

Backstage, Some Random Backstage Goof interviews Jillian Hall and JBL. The Wrestling God invites Shawn Michaels and the other Raw superstars to show up at the PPV, which of course means they won't.

Someone who does show up, however, is Rey Mysterio, who busts out some Spanish. JBL tells Rey Rey to speak English because we are "in America." In English, Mysterio is offering JBL a mask so that he can hide his face in shame after he loses tonight. JBL doesn't want it, so Rey then offers it to Jillian. Them's fightin' words!

Match # 3: Chris Benoit Vs. Orlando Jordan Vs. Booker T Vs. Christian

Sharmell comes out (to her own entrance music?) and introduces Houston's own Booker T to a huge hometown pop. Then comes MY hometown hero, Toronto's own Christian. Then Miami, Florida's own Orlando Jordan and (ugh) Atlanta, Georgia's own Chris Benoit.

This is actually all four men in the ring and once, instead of a tag team-type situation. Booker looks sharper than he has in a long time, certainly since he moved to SmackDown a year-and-a-half ago. Benoit busts out a belly-to-belly over the top rope to Christian, while Booker tosses out Orlando. Booker and Benoit prepare to face off against one another. That doesn't long, though, as Christian and Orlando break up the lovefest.

Booker sunset-flips Orlando and gets a very long two count, which has Sharmell protesting from ringside. Booker signals for the spinarooni to another huge pop, and then delivers an axe kick to Orlando. Another two-count after Christian interferes. Christian makes an attempt at the Unprettier, which is reversed into a pair of Rolling Germans by The Crippler. Benoit tosses Orlando out of the ring, who divebombs onto a waiting Booker T outside. Benoit nails Christian with three Germans and signals from the flying headbutt, or for those who remember the old Tag Team Wrestling videogame, the "Flying Hbat". Christian moves out of the way and gets trapped into the crossface. Christian holds on for a while and gets saved by Orlando. Benoit locks Christian in the sharpshooter and he taps out. Glad to see Christian's early-2005 push wasn't all for naught. Sigh.

Winner: Chris Benoit.

(This wasn't the showcase I thought it would be, but it was definitely a fast-paced match throughout. And as I mentioned, Booker looked especially sharp.)

Post-match, Sharmell nags Booker for not doing better, something about how Benoit made him lose and how he had better start listening to her. Women!

A commercial for the Fanatix Series version of "Greatest Wrestling Stars of the 80's" airs. If you're a nostalgia nut, I'd definitely recommend the DVD set.

Backstage, Lashley is making Dean polish off the rest of his cheeseburgers. That would be an awesome heel gimmick – The Hamburglar! Dean says he can't eat them because they've been sitting on the mat and thus are dirty and disgusting. He offers to just eat the meat – sounds like my five year-old son. Lashley isn't having any of that, though. If Simon doesn't clean his plate, he can't play outside afterwards.

Backstage, Teddy Long congratulates Benoit in front of the Instant Access area.

Match # 4: Bob Holly Vs. Ken Kennedy

I believe Kennedy has new music for his PPV debut, though he may have used it on SmackDown already. Then the coup de grace: a microphone lowers down to the ring, a la Rocky or the old MSG matches, and the lights dim for Kennedy's pre-match promo. Great stuff. "Weighing in at an absolutely amazing 245 pounds, I hail from Green Bay, Wisconsin. I am… Misteeeeeeeerrrr Kennedy (KENN-E-DY)."

Holly is on the offensive from the get-go, though Kennedy tries to fire back with some lame-looking offense. I'll sum up the next five minutes for you: resthold, resthold and resthold.

This match is actually getting so boring that I am going to, as a service to the loyal readers of this website, provide you with the recipe to: "Grandma Bulldog's Olde-Fashioned Italian Garlic Breadsticks".

1)     Open a package of Pillsbury's Italian Garlic Breadsticks. You can substitute with a similar brand. Or don't. Like I really give a shit what you do.

2)     Unravel tube of breadstick dough.

3)     Arrange dough on an ungreased baking sheet.

4)     Pop those mofo's into an oven, or in a pinch, use a toaster oven or a particularly-powerful lighter.

5)     Heat for oh, I don't know, 10 minutes or until next decent move in this PPV. In case of the latter, DO NOT leave them cooking for more than three hours!

6)     When golden brown, take the sticks out of the oven and spread imitation garlic butter on them like there's no tomorrow.

7)     Makes 10 or so. Enjoy! 

At one point, Holly kinds of picks Kennedy up and drops him on his face, though not entirely on purpose. Then a minute or so later, Kennedy tries a spinning heel kick and misses his target entirely. Now THIS is the SmackDown I know and don't love. Shortly thereafter, Kennedy gets the modified top-rope Samoan backdrop thingie for the pin. Lights go dim for the official announcement.

Winner: Ken Kennedy (KENN-E-DY).

(These guys just didn't mesh well together, though I can't think of too many people that Holly DOES mesh well with. Kennedy is absolute gold on the mic and he's okay in the ring. I think he just needs for time and perhaps a series with someone like Guerrero or Benoit down the road.)

Post-match, Referees and officials try to help an injured Holly out of the ring. Holly responds with "I don't need your help, dammit!" Don't these guys watch Tough Enough? Now, why is Holly using the old "injured" excuse? Can't the bastard even job properly? Eventually, supermodel Sylvain comes out to ringside and pretends to check on Holly, then – shockingly! - attacks him. Holly may have a separated shoulder, we are told. Good for Sylvain!

Backstage, Lashley is still teasing Dean about the burger eat-a-thon. ENOUGH!

Meanwhile, Sharmell is doing a whole lotta nagging. She says "Chris Benoit is doing an interview for wwe.com because he won. Chris Benoit is a winner. Chris Benoit is the United States champion." I think we have a new "Miss Bitch".

Ken Kennedy inserts himself into this "regularly scheduled domestic dispute" because he hasn't had quite enough mic time tonight. Booker wants to go after Kennedy after he calls him a "Loooooser". Sharmell says Booker T's problem isn't Kennedy and it isn't Benoit, "it's you". Not you, the reader, but Booker T himself.

Match # 5: Rey Mysterio Vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

Tazz and Cole discuss Jillian Hall's mole at great length. Yeah.

JBL is frustrated early on by Rey's quickness, as Mysterio keeps him on the run, in and out of the ring for several minutes. Rey attempts a 619, and JBL moves out of the way. Outside of the ring, JBL grabs Hall and puts her in harm's way. He then tosses her aside, but Rey is waiting for him with a flying bulldog (no relation) off the ring apron.

JBL nails a fallaway slam from the top rope, followed by another one in the ring and then one on the outside (a surface that Cole describes as practically being "concrete" despite the obvious padding). JBL attempts a pair of pinfalls, but no such luck.

Rey regains the advantage, and Hall attempts to distract Mysterio. That backfires when Rey moves out of the way and JBL nearly wallops Hall (he then backs away after staring at Hall's mole. Cute.) Then Mysterio nails the 619, but misses the West Coast Pop and walks right into a Clothesline From Hell for the easy pin. 

Winner: JBL.

(Another logical decision in a series of them tonight. JBL is entertaining again, and whomever decided to elevate him as a heel a good year or so ago is probably laughing right about now, as the gamble has paid off. Mysterio was awesome as usual.)

A Raw commercial advertises that someone is getting fired this week. I hope it's The Boogeyman.

Match # 6: The Undertaker Vs. Bob and Randy Orton

This is the first-ever Handicap Casket Match. See, I knew I was witnessing history.

HEY! The Orton Family is out first, with Cowboy Bob decked out in full street gear. No wrestling trunks for this hall of famer, no sir. The Undertaker gets the extended play version of his entrance, with the druids marching to a chant that I swear sounds like something I used to hear at synagogue. Happy early Yom Kippur, everyone!

Taker gets the advantage very early on. Give the elder Orton a ton of credit; he can still take some nice bumps. Bob is dumped into the casket first, and quickly gets the hell out of Dodge. Hey, here's a remarkable idea: why doesn't Bob just leave? That way, there's no possible way that Taker could win, as he has to place both father and son in the casket for a victory.

Taker is then tossed into the casket but darned if the Ortons can't get the lid shut. Taker then goes all old school on Randy Orton, but when he tries to go old school on Bob, Randy stops him. Ironic how he couldn't go old school on the true old school guy.

Bob and his son then pull off a REAL old-school move, the superplex, and Bob then goes for a pin attempt. Too bad pinfalls don't count here, Ace. Then father and son try to double-suplex Taker into the casket. Taker DDT's both men then tosses Bob into the casket -- again -- while he starts mixing things up with Young Randall. Bob returns to ringside clutching… a fire extinguisher? Taker dumps Randy into the casket now while Bob drops the extinguisher into the casket. Taker gets Bob in the casket – AGAIN! - via a triangle chokehold, but Randy then recovers long enough to prevent the lid from being closed. All three men are spending time in the casket now – kind of like a Bulldog family reunion.

Taker closes the lid on Bob and pursues Randy in the ring; great strategy; suffocate the father. Randall opens the lid and notices something is amiss. Taker recovers and gives Randy a low blow to regain the advantage. Taker delivers the Last Ride and signals for the Tombstone. He then prepares to tombstone Randy into the cage, but daddy is waiting with the fire extinguisher, which he sprays in Taker's face. NICE! A blinded Taker is subject to the RKO, and Bob tries like mad to roll Taker into the casket. While he's waiting, Randy nails him in the head with the extinguisher and now both Taker and Randy are trapped inside the casket which doesn't count as a win. But a chair to Taker's skull does the trick, as both father and son close the lid. 

Winners: Bob and Randy Orton.

(From my description and what we know about Taker and Randy Orton, you'd probably think this match sucked. But it didn't; not at all. They strayed a little from the traditional casket match formula and it worked. Look, I detest both of these guys but they pulled off the most compelling match of the night.)

The Ortons then lock the casket and start pulling it away from ringside. Father and son move the casket to the top of the ramp and start chopping away at it with an axe. Bob returns with a can of gasoline, which Randy pours all over the casket and through the hole. A lighter sets the casket on fire. It makes for a great visual, far better than when Kane did the same thing several years ago. The crowd is even booing loudly.

I later learned on wwe.com that Taker wasn't in the casket when The Ortons later opened it up. Never since the Aztec Tomb have I been so fooled by a slight of hand.

"WrestleMania 22 returns to Chicago" commercial. Damn, I'm actually going to BE in Chi-Town this week, just not on Saturday, when tickets go on sale.

At ringside, Tazz and Cole are coughing because of all the smoke, yet none of the fans seem to responding the same way. Maybe the smoke only permeated to ringside.

Match # 7: Nunzio Vs. Juventud

Quick question, how come the lawnmowers don't catch fire when the Mexicools drive down to ringside on them? Footage from Juventud's battle royal win on wwe.com Velocity is shown for the 99.8 percent of the viewing audience who haven't seen it yet. Is this the first time Nunzio has had a one-on-one match on WWE PPV?

Some great fast-paced reversals to start. Tazz vows to buy a cat and name it Juventud. Somewhat ironically, my cat (Owen, named after the late Owen Hart – seriously - even though he turned out to technically be a she) is sitting at my feet as Tazz says this.

Things slow down slightly until Juvy pulls off an awesome move on Vito at ringside. Nunzio reverses a bodypress for two. Juvi lands the Juvi driver for three. New cruiserweight champion! The Mexicools celebrate in the ring. 

Winner: Juventud.

(Not bad at all, and more importantly, the title win was portrayed as just a huge, huge deal, particularly played out so late on the card. More incredible yet when you figure the belt will be defended mostly on the Internet.)

Post-match, Hugo Savinovich interviews the new champion in Spanish. I'm surprised the table didn't break on instinct when the cameras focused on the Spanish announcers. Also noteworthy, Tazz references Corona with lime. Somewhere at a Dayton Hooters, Rick Scaia is fuming.

Backstage, Simon Dean finishes off his 19^th cheeseburger thinking he's done, when Bobby Lashley finds a 20^th one. Dean can't eat it though and runs to the washroom and well, gets rid of a few of them burgers. I bet WWE would have greatly improved the buyrate had they advertised ahead of time "Simon Dean will puke."

The Mexicools are still celebrating backstage and on wwe.com.

Match # 8: Batista Vs. The New and Improved Eddie Guerrero™

Cole does quite a job putting over Batista during the ring introductions, rattling off all the things he's done this year. Between the Rumble, WrestleMania, his draft to SmackDown and some of the wins he's had, it's actually a pretty impressive list. Too bad the show he's on generally sucks ass.

Guerrero is at a serious height disadvantage. Not that this isn't obvious to anyone from the get-go, but the cameras do a nice job of showing this during the face-off.

A feeling-out period starts things, with Guerrero clearly being overpowered. A good chunk of the crowd is actually pro-Eddie here. After a few minutes of stagnant lock-ups, Guerrero takes a chair and considers bringing it into the ring. Batista helpfully reminds Eddie that he's promised not to cheat. Guerrero uses this opportunity to drop Batista's neck over the top rope and land a frog splash for a two count.

Guerrero places Batista in a bodyscissors. Big Dave gets to his feet, though, and slams Guerrero into the corner post. Latino Heat retaliates with a Half-Boston Crab and another bodyscissors to up the resthold quotient for this match.

Referee Nick Patrick gets knocked out (I bet he's still on the nWo payroll!), so Guerrero grabs the chair again and prepares to bash Batista with it, but changes his mind at the last second. "Perhaps he's struggling with his conscience," Cole suggests. Perhaps you've never watched wrestling before, you idiot!

Batista sees the chair and begins questioning Guerrero's motives, then goes on the offensive with some backdrops and tackles. Dave sets up for the Batista bomb, but Guerrero reverses it into a sunset flip. Batista's back is injured, though he survives a spinebuster, which gets two and a half.

With his back hurt, Guerrero takes advantage with the Three Amigos. He signals for the frog splash and all of a sudden the fickle fans turn on him. Splash misses, and Batista gets a spinebuster, which is good for a three count. 

Winner: Batista.

(Ending was kind of a letdown, yet it clearly sets up the potential for a rematch. This wasn't a terrible outing by any stretch, but I wouldn't say it was exactly PPV main event caliber.)

Post-match, Batista helps Eddie to his feet and they have a long, "Randy Savage-Hulk Hogan-on-Saturday Night's Main Event"-style handshake tease. They shake, and Guerrero smirks behind Batista's back, then exits the ring. The idea being, this ain't over.

But the show is. Overall, this was definitely better than I'd expected it to be, and possibly the best SmackDown PPV since No Way Out (though that's not exactly glowing praise). A series of logical finishes, building up the right people and most importantly, I went 7 for 8 on my predictions, getting only the opening match wrong – WOO HOO!!! Still, not a horrible event.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the compliment!!!