I felt so honored when I got an email from Rick yesterday telling me that if I wanted, I could be this weekend's very special fifth string recapper for

Of course I'll do it! And I don't even want anything in return. Somehow I'm not quite as hot to get Erin Anderson's phone number as some other OO readers must be, so that doesn't interest me. Tell you what, Rick, you can buy me dinner sometime to make it up to me. At Mendy's. The swordfish there is the best, Rick, the BEST.

Just kidding. I had to ramble to get past the ad thing, tho, right? You'll probably never hear from me again so I want to make sure I do everything right the first time.

Here are the results of the surely thrilling and exciting WWE Armageddon pay per view:

Opening music, video, pyro, and Michael Cole and Tazz welcome us to Albany, NY. Hey, look, there's a Cell hanging over the ring! How totally expected!

Matt Hardy vs. John "Bradshaw" Layfield

JBL came out first and talked for a while. He said he's the main event wherever he goes and it doesn't matter if he's wrestling in the opening match or not. Does that mean the pay per view is over at the end of this match? Wow, Rick, this just should be even easier than I thought! JBL also starts bad mouthing Matt Hardy and the internet fans who cheer for him. He's eventually cut off by Matt's entrance music, tho. As JBL waited for Matt to enter Matt snuck up from behind and attacks JBL.

Matt got a good flurry to start but JBL took over when Matt got tangled in the ropes. JBL pounded away on Matt for several minutes. When JBL tried to set Matt up for a superplex, Matt fought back and shoved JBL to the mat and then followed up with a moonsault to start his comeback. Matt got several 2 counts but could not put JBL away. Matt set up for the Twist of Fate, but JBL countered that and after a few teases and reverses JBL came at Matt with the Clothesline from Hell.

Winner: JBL. The match was 6 minutes and really slow in the middle. JBL's prematch talking was more entertaining.

Super Crazy and Psicosis vs. MNM

No Juvi at ringside so Melina is the prettiest valet in this match.

Very fast paced to start with the Mexicools hitting all kinds of high flying moves. They even used the ref as a springboard for one. Things slowed down about 3 minutes in when MNM used some double teaming to isolate on Psicosis. For a couple of minutes they used all kinds of illegal tactics to beat Psicosis down. Finally Psicosis hit a enzigiri on Mercury and tagged in Super Crazy. Super Crazy came in and went, um, crazy I guess.

Crazy had Mercury beat with a moonsault at one point but Nitro made the save. Then it was chaos as all four men were brawling. Then Melina caused a distraction, and Psicosis got tossed out of the ring. Mercury and Nitro put the Snapshot on Psicosis for the quick win.

Winners: MNM. The match was 9 minutes and very enjoyable. I just wish that they had gotten a few more minutes at the end, tho. Things were just picking up when MNM got the sudden win.

Backstage: Kristal tried to interview Booker T but Sharmell wouldn't have another woman coming onto her man. Sharmell swept Kristal out of the locker room with her trusty broom. Then Sharmell went back and gave her man a good luck kiss before he had to go out to the ring.

Booker T vs. Chris Benoit

This match took forever to get good. The first five or six minutes were all back and forth chain wrestling. When Benoit finally went for a Sharpshooter, tho, that's when the pace started to pick up. Booker escaped quickly but Benoit did not let up. Benoit hit lots of suplexes and also beat the crap out of Booker at ringside.

Booker regained the advantage when he dodged a charge by Benoit. Booker focused on the lower back and ribs for several minutes. Booker locked on an abdominal stretch which luckily didn't last for too long. Benoit powered out and went suplex crazy! Eddie's Three Amigos, his own Hat Trick of Germans, and a few extra Germans thrown in for good measure. If I could I wish I could go back and count how many suplexes and different kinds of suplexes Benoit used in this match. By the end of the match it felt like he hit two dozen suplexes at least.

Benoit's rally ended when Sharmell distracted him and Booker attacked from behind. Booker went off again and got a bunch of 2 counts. He even went to the top rope and hit a missile dropkick. Benoit would not stay down, tho. Sharmell interfered again hitting a low blow on Benoit while Booker distracted the ref.  Booker followed up with a scissors kick but still only got a 2 count. 

Booker tried for the Book End but Benoit countered it into a Crippler Crossface. Booker finally made the ropes. Benoit followed up with more suplexes and more suplexes and then the top rope headbutt. When he tried for the Crossface again, tho, Benoit got shoved off by Booker and Booker's momentum took him crashing into the referee. Benoit went for the Crossface again but when Booker tapped out the ref was not there to call for the bell. Sharmell came into the ring and hit Benoit in the back with her broom but that didn't do anything except make Benoit angrier. It also created a distraction, tho. After Benoit scared Sharmell off and turned back to face Booker, Booker had recovered and tried to hit the Book End again. Benoit countered it again, tho, and got Booker in the Crossface. This time when Booker tapped, the ref was awake to see it.

Your Winner: Chris Benoit. This was 20 minutes. After it started really slow the last half was really really really really really really really good.

Boogey Claus is Coming to Town

Teddy Long and Palmer Cannon came to the ring to thank the great SmackDown fans. They had a surprise for the fans: Santa Claus. But it's really Vito as Santa and Nunzio as his little helper. They're all scroogy and are more interested in asking Teddy Long for tag title matches. Palmer Cannon says he has a gift for the FBI.

It's the Boogeyman. Nunzio gets off easy and just gets beat up for a minute. Vito got the same but also had to eat worms. I guess this is what happens when you only have six matches on a pay per view.

Backstage: Kristal interviews Randy Orton. He laughs about tricking all the fans into thinking he was retired and promises that after tonight's match the Undertaker will be the one who has to retire.

Bobby Lashley vs. William Regal and Paul Burchill

I guess this is also what happens when you only have six matches on a pay per view. 

This was very short. Lashley started out strong but then got double teamed. Regal and Burchill held on for about a minute but Lashley hulked up and came back. Regal got tossed out of the ring and Burchill got the Dominator to end the match.

Your Winner: Bobby Lashley. This was less than 3 minutes. Pretty boring but I will say that Burchill makes Lashley look really good since he's so big but still sells Lashley's bumps like a smaller guy. 

Via Satellite: Josh Matthews is at a bar owned by former WWE referee Tim White. They show footage where White was injured in a Hell in a Cell match in 2002 and explain that White had to retire as a result. Josh is trying to ask questions about the intensity of the cell but White is drinking heavily and pretty much ignoring him. When White speaks, he says that he lost his job and his wife and his friends as a result of Hell in a Cell. He says he lost his health too, and it's not just the shoulder injury. He says he's got "nothing to live for." Josh tries to wrap it up by wishing him a Merry Christmas but instead White gets up and grabs a shotgun from under the bar and walks off screen with it. Josh just stands there and the cameraman just stays focused on Josh. A shot rings out. So I guess Tim White is dead. Why do I care again? Oh that's right, I don't. They did video clips all night long trying to convey the brutality of Hell in a Cell, but all this did was convey the stupidness of Rick's favorite Hollywood writer monkeys. This makes a full 30 minutes of nonstop crap on this pay per view, by the way. Everything since the end of the Benoit match has gotten increasingly worse. 

Juventud vs. Kid Kash (Cruiserweight Title Match)

This should be the end of the string of crap at least. Juvi took the fight to Kash and the two were throwing hands back and forth for several minutes to start the match. Nowhere near the high flying you might expect and it was more brawling. 

When the match went outside, Kash got back into the ring first and then when Juvi followed Kash stomped him to take control. Lots of slams and punches and kicks but there is no real focus to Kash's attack as the match progresses. Kash finally decided to pick up the pace a bit with a top rope move but Juvi caught him and started a rally of his own. He had a few bigger moves for Kash but still only got 2 counts. When Juvi went for a 450 splash, tho, Kash moved. Right after that Kash used a brainbuster to get the win.

Your Winner and New Cruiserweight Champion: Kid Kash. Match was about 8 minutes and surprisingly not very exciting until Juvi made his comeback and the pace picked up. I know Rick says Kid Kash is awesome but I didn't see it here. He didn't do very many cool moves and he wasn't doing anything to make the crowd boo him either.

Batista and Rey Mysterio vs. Big Show and Kane 

It's champions versus champions but there aren't any titles on the line.

It's a JR Slobberknocker to start with Batista beginning the match for his team and going up against both Show and Kane. Batista doesn't back down and matches each one in terms of strength and power. Big Show and Kane start acting like they want to pick on the little guy instead, and Rey's not afraid of them so he tags in.

For a minute or two Rey has good success against Kane. But interference from Big Show changes all that. Show yanked Rey out of the ring while the ref was distracted and threw him around like a rag doll. The focus was on Rey's back. For several minutes Show and Kane tagged in and out and had their way with Rey. Rey was pesky, tho, and would get little rallies.

During one of these rallies, Kane was the legal man and was almost set up for a 619 so Big Show came into the ring and the two double teamed Rey. This caused Batista to come into the match illegally too. The ref lost total control but Batista and Rey seemed to be doing okay. Big Show and Batista wound up brawling at ringside. Rey tried to finish Kane off with a springboard move but Kane caught him and chokeslammed him onto his already injured back for the win.

Your Winners: Big Show and Kane. Match was very short, 8 minutes maybe. I thought it would be a lot better and more dramatic especially after how good the Batista/Rey versus MNM match was on SmackDown. It was such a big disappointment that I wonder if Batista didn't reinjure himself or something and that's why this was such a letdown.

Undertaker vs. Randy Orton (Hell in the Cell)

So this is the match that indirectly took Tim White's life I guess. After this week's Smackdown I was actually looking forward to this match again but the Tim White thing ended that. That whole half hour of crap seemed to slow the whole show down. Both the matches since then have been disappointing at best.

Taker and Orton try to start out fast here with Taker outbrawling Randy. Randy is bleeding within the first few minutes and nothing Bob Orton does at ringside, outside of the cage, can help. Taker slowly pummels away on Orton for what felt like en eternity. It was probably more like 10 minutes. During some brawling outside the ring but still inside the cell Orton took over and used some foreign objects to take command. Taker started bleeding after a shot to the ring steps. 

Orton tried to follow up by using a chair but Taker countered that and so they started brawling back and forth for a long time. Nothing really exciting. I think the biggest moves were throwing the other guy into the steel cage. Other than that just a lot of punching.

Things finally got interesting when Orton decided to use a table. After using a low blow to set things up, Randy top rope splashed Taker through a table for a 2 count which was nice. Randy was frustrated he didn't get the win and in the ensuing argument with the ref an attack by the Undertaker resulted in the ref being knocked out. A second ref came out and when he opened the door to get into the cell, Bob Orton followed. 

Taker went on a run but since Bob was now in the cell he was able to interfere whenever Taker hit a big move. Eventually Undertaker threw Bob into the cell and Bob bled too. But the distraction gave Randy enough time to recover and he hit Taker with a Tombstone. Only a 2 count. Randy went for another but Taker grabbed him by the throat. Bob tried to run in and use the Undertaker's urn as a weapon but Taker blocked that and took the urn. Taker hit both Bob and Randy with the urn. Bob got thrown out of the ring. Randy got a Tombstone. 

Winner: the Undertaker. Match was at least 30 minutes and that wasn't really a good thing. After a fast and exciting start there were probably about 15 minutes that were pretty slow. Once Orton brought the table into play things picked up again but this was still a match without anything really memorable.

That's how the show ended: Undertaker celebrating with his urn. Considering that we were urnless for however long without any negative consequences, I don't think this was the finish I was pining for. Or maybe the half hour of crap just put me in a bad mood for the rest of the show. Everything up till then had seemed so promising. Everything after seemed like such a let down.

Hope you enjoyed the recap! I wish it could be a bit better but I've pretty much been typing this up as the show goes on since Rick said he wanted it by midnight and that fast was more important than good for pay per view recaps.