So of course: tonight's the night it happened. I can't decide whether to mock the WWE Creative Monkeys for waiting four months too long, or to congratulate them for timing things so perfectly that they even got me shocked and off my stool (first for Vince McMahon's announcement of Edge's title match, and again for the actual title win).

Whichever I eventually decide on, there's no denying that WWE paid off on a big time finish to their first PPV of 2006. Something else that can't be denied: that whole thesis I did on Friday in the PPV Preview about New Year's Revolution being the turning point as we get a clear picture of what's coming up at WrestleMania 22 turns out to be a giant load of crap.

I still have no sense of where things are going for WM22. But at least I know I'll be extremely curious to tune in tomorrow night to see if things get any clearer, there. I might prefer a bit more of a long-term focus, something huge to be already-getting-excited-about... but given what we fans have put up with the last 20 months, I'll accept (with a smile) the chance to be genuinely intrigued about what's gonna happen the next night on TV.

As big and surprising as Edge's WWE Title Win was, it capped off a PPV that was uneven and all over the place in terms of action and drama. Some things seemed to click, some didn't.... so to help you sort it all out, here are the full results of tonight's just-completed New Year's Revolution pay-per-view (with some additional editorial commentary tacked on in the customary red italics):

• Opening Video Package/Theme/Pyro/Etc.... following an Elimination Chamber vignette, it's just Joey Styles and Coach who welcome us to the PPV. Yay for a two man booth. Boo for it being the wrong two.
   
  
• Ric Flair beat Edge via Disqualification to retain the InterContinental Title. Edge tried to jumpstart the match by attacked Flair in the middle of pre-match posing and celebrating, but Flair put an end to that pretty rapidly with series of chops. Punctuated by plenty of Whoo's. The advantage was his for several minutes until he allowed Lita to distract him... Flair decided to chase Lita around the ring, but on the third leg of the tour around ringside, Edge was lying in wait, and sprung a clothesline on Flair. From there, it was a solid 3-4 minutes of heel beatdown on Flair. No real focus to it that I can recall, but Edge was going out of his way to engage the crowd and keep them into the match. Flair started a comeback about 7-8 minutes in, immediately going for Edge's knee. Then he went up top. Then Edge caught Flair on top, but Flair put him back down with an eyepoke. Then Lita caught Flair, but she got an eyepoke, too. Then Edge caught Flair AGAIN, but this time, Flair punched Edge back to the mat. And so it was thus that on the fourth try, Flair actually hit his top rope chop, to an huge roar of approval.
   
  From here, it seemed like Flair was actually gonna get the win. He kept on softening up the knee, and was getting close to Figure Four Time when Lita interfered. Flair tossed Edge out of the ring, and yanked Lita in, actually putting the Figure Four on her, instead. But Edge just grabbed his Money In The Bank Briefcase, and whapped Flair in the head with it. Blatantly and right in front of the ref. That's a DQ. 
   
  After the match, Edge kept on beating on Flair, drawing blood, and what little I could make out of the commentary, I guess the story was that Edge never cared about the IC Title, he just cared about kicking Flair's ass to send a message that he's a super-bad-ass. If so, mission accomplished as Edge and Lita leave the ring, leaving the "winner" passed out in a pool of his own blood. [About a 10 minute opener, and pretty much exactly what it should have been: both guys made up for a pretty pronounced lack of complex ringwork/action by turning the character dials all the way up and making sure the fans still got into the very basic back-and-forth stuff. And given what was to come, the "didn't care about the IC Title" thing was a nice bit of foreshadowing, assuming I interpreted that correctly.]
   
  
• Backstage: Todd Grisham attempts to interview Kurt Angle, who pretty much hijacks things and announces (1) he wishes the US would lose the War on Terror, (2) he doesn't much care for "the black people" (with finger quotes), and (3) if he could put the anklelock on any person in all of history, he'd like to make Jesus Christ tap out. Todd is aghast, but Angle quickly reveals he's got a point: it's gotten to the point that Kurt can say anything he wants, and the people will still cheer for him. Oh, they might chant "You Suck" at him, but within minutes, they're behind him. Because he is the greatest wrestler alive, and even the idiot fans can recognize that. Then he closes with promises of victory in the Chamber, because, apparently, his first WWE Title win came right here in Albany, NY, so he'd like to add another.
   
  
• In the ring: Ric Flair still hasn't recovered, but when he finally does, they play his music. Because he lost! And then Flair finally starts leaving. So to fill time, they do a Trish/Mickie video package. 
   
  
• Trish Stratus beat Mickie James via pinfall to retain the Women's Title. A very NON-friendly dynamic to start, as Mickie's trying to be nice, but Trish is all business. This miffs Mickie, who responds by going back to her "headgames," and groping Trish's bOOb to escape a headlock. Trish reacts negatively to that, and Mickie again tries to be all nice and friendly and promises it won't happen again. Then it's more basic back-and-forthy type stuff, as headlocks and hammerlocks and stuff get applied, countered, and re-applied for several minutes. If they were men, you'd feel like it was the start of a 25 minute match; since they're not, you know WWE's not trusting girls with any such timeslot. Then things pick up when Trish starts going for a few more signature type moves, like the hand-stand head-scissors take-over, which Mickie blocks the first time, and eventually turns into an attempted tornado DDT, which Trish then counters by sending Mickie out of the ring. But when Trish tries for a baseball slide, Mickie sidesteps, and Trish slides through to the floor, giving Mickie the match's only real sustained offensive tear.
   
  Mickie's run ends when she decides to use the Stratusfaction Bulldog, but only gets a two count with it. But dammit, it always works for Trish! So she gets frustrated, and takes time to deal with the ref, and stuff like that. Gives Trish time to recover. So when Mickie goes back to Trish, Trish tries a Stratusfaction of her own... Mickie counters it, but has no counter when Trish clocks her in the head with the I Refuse To Call It A Chick Kick Kick.  That's enough to score the win for Trish. [It was about 6-7 minutes, and other than one early spot, it clicked really well. I like that -- instead of what I might have feared -- this ended up coming off like the "blow-off" of the feud, since that sets up Mickie's character to turn a (non-lesbian) corner and give us the longer, more-intense matches that I know these two could do.]
   
  
• Backstage: Maria tried to interview herself about her match tonight, but was quickly interrupted by Gregory Helms, who boasted not just about getting ready to beat Jerry Lawler, but also hospitalize him.... then as Helms walked away, the cameras smoothly Kubrick Segued into finding Shelton Benjamin and his Mama at the end of a hallway. Mama wants food, so Shelton apparently directs her to catering..... then we cut to a WWE.com desk, where Edge and Lita are about to be interviewed for any online fans. Gee, if only they had computer terminals at Hooters, I *so* would have been there. Or maybe not.
   
  
• Jerry Lawler beat Gregory Helms. This was old school. But given Lawler's status as an announcer and Helms' status as a preliminary wrestler nobody cares about, the personalities here were just not strong enough to carry a match so slow and formulaic. I think Lawler out-craftied Helms for a few minutes to start, but then Helms took over, and did all the work, to the excitement of absolutely no one. Only interesting part in all of this headlocking excitement was when Helms took a moment to come to the announce table and put on Lawler's headset to mock Lawler. Finish was Helms missing a charge in the corner, Lawler finally "bringing the strap down," and then going to the second rope for a fist drop. Helms tried to counter it, but Lawler pushed him off the ropes. And then hit the first drop anyway. He wins. The fuck? [Of the three matches so far, this one was easily the longest. And christ was it ever a long, slow, boring drive to get to nowhere even remotely interesting. I mean, it's not like they botched anything.... but that's only because they didn't really try anything with a degree of difficulty higher than "walking and chewing gum at the same time." At best: a well-executed example of the sheerest below-mediocrity.]
   
  
• Backstage: now it's Trish's turn to be interviewed on WWE.com, but as she enters the room, Edge and Lita are leaving. Trish and Lita still remember being heated rivals just one year ago on this very PPV, and have a staredown. Then it's time for Trish to get down to bidness. Except: Mickie James bops into the room, and wants to play along to, because it was just so totally awesome to face Trish and the best woman won and it was such an honor, so let's do this interview thingie together now, OK, Trish? The look on Trish's face says, "Get away from me, freak," but in the interest of fostering amity, Trish appears to relent as we cut to.... elsewhere backstage, where Shelton's Mama is decided displeased with the healthful options offered at catering. When she bends over to go looking to see if there's any fried chickens or anything under the table, Viscera walks in and admires the copious junk in Mrs. Benjamin's ample trunk. After some I'm-sure-stellar back-and-forth dialogue, Mrs. Benjamin leaves in a huff, presumably to find her boy Shelton to do something about that awful, awful fat man who just propositioned her. Yay?
   
  
• Triple H beat Big Show via pinfall. They kept it slow and psychological early on, as Hunter played scared of the Big Show's big cast. A lot of cat and mouse. But for the most part, the mouse wasn't quite fast enough, and had to absorb some pretty brutal power moves. Like some left-handed "SHHHHHH!" Chops. But about 5 minutes in, during one of HHH's sojourns to the outside to collect himself, Big Show followed. Mistake. HHH was able to turn the tables out there, and went to work on Show's injured hand. Eventually, HHH did enough damage that he even pulled the cast all the way off. Advantage: negated.
   
  Show was wearing some nice bright red hand make-up, to indicate Serious Trauma. HHH? Does not fear hand make-up, so he went to work on the exposed broken hand. First, there was a ton of stuff outside the ring. Then back in the ring, it was more hand-related attack, including finger manipulation. That's probably the sort of thing that moistens the man-panties of UFC Types out there, but I guess within the context of this story, it fits here, too.  HHH's hand focus eventually culminated in a sort of overhead hammerlock thing where he had a good grasp on Show's hand. Or something. It wasn't exactly thrilling to watch, but you knew it had to do with the hand.
   
  So as any good babyface should do when placed in a rest hold, Show fired up, and started hitting as many moves as he could left-handed. He got Trips reeling, and was eventually so sure he was on the brink of victory that he went for a chokeslam. But he tried with his right hand. And failed. Hunter dropped, and Show tried to clothesline him, but Hunter ducked, and Big Show took out the ref, instead. 
   
  Trips immediately went to go grab the Sledge Hammer. But when he brought it into the ring, Show intercepted him. And then, in a show of Orton-caliber intelligence, used his broken hand to break the shaft of the hammer, accomplishing absolutely nothing, since there was still a big steel thing with a slightly-shorter handle on it. But HHH acted like his own unborn baby had somehow been desecrated. Thus began a heat sequence for Big Show, and the brawl included chairs and steel ring steps and all kinds of stuff outside the ring.
   
  Back in the ring, with the ref just starting to stir, Show realized "Oh, hey, I have a Left Hand I can use for Chokeslamming." So he set Hunter up for one of those. But HHH had the Remnants Of Sledge in his hand, and used it to clock Big Show. Show dropped to his knees, which put him in perfect position for the Pedigree. So HHH obliged. The ref woke up, and counted three. [Probably about 15 minutes, and I think by the end, it was a very fun brawl. Even starting just when Big Show's cast came off, they did a nice job of telling to story, even if the action didn't catch up to said story until the last third of the match.]
   
  
• Backstage: Chris F. Masters is pumping himself (up), and Carlito walks up. The vibe here seemed to be that Carlito has a plan for the two to work together int he Elimination Chamber, but Masters is so fucking retarded that he needs each and every element of the plan explained to him. Which Carlito does, with just a tinge of "What a moron" in his body language. When all the pieces click together in Master's dim little brain, he mumbles his way through his punchline, which is, "Hey, that sounds pretty cool." No stealy the punchline, CFM... but Carlito will let it slide for now, as it appears he's got him some Dumb Muscle Back-Up.
   
  
• Shelton Benjamin beat Viscera. Segment started with Shelton's Mama issuing a challenge to Viscera to come on out and take a whupping from Shelton in exchange for disrespecting her earlier. Shelton's gesturing (it was done in the finest of all manners: Broadly) indicates he wants none of this, but Mama insists... and so, the match is on.
   
  And god, if Lawler/Helms was bad, I have no idea what we did to deserve this atrocity, too, on the same card. Shelton tried to do what he could, but you know it's not gonna look good with Viscera trying to sell it. Then the meat of the match was Viscera in control so that Mama could scream and shout at ringside that Shelton better get his ass back in gear.  Viscera seemed about to win (the Greco-Roman Butt Rape *is* his finisher, right?), but when Shelton escaped a big splash, Viscera stumbled to his feet, and while the ref was having tea with Shelton, Mama whapped Vis with her loaded purse. Shelton hit his Leg Whip Thingie, and got the pinfall. The losing streak ends! But nobody cares. [Awful. And worse: it's also the third-longest match of the night so far, behind Show/HHH and Lawler/Helms. Who's in charge of time management, goddammit?]
   
  
• Backstage: Shawn Michaels is getting ready for the main event, and in walks Vince McMahon. Vince smarms his way to wishing Shawn some insincere luck, because he'll need it. Shawn says no he won't, and outlines some of the trails he's blazed in WWE and suggests that being the first man to win the Elimination Chamber from the #1 Entry Spot would look just fine as an addition to that resume. Vince thinks this is cute. But unlikely.
   
  
• Diva Search Ashley wins the Bra and Panties Elimination Gauntlet Match. Maria and Boobies McTitsalot start. Maria eliminated Boobies after a grand total of nothing worth talking about. Torrie entered next, and was also eliminated following another display of nothing worth mentioning. Victoria was next (wearing a "Let's Just Get This Over With" t-shirt; my sentiments exactly), and got rid of Maria. Then the "big surprise": Mae Young was introduced as a Mystery Entrant. To the horror of all, she stripped herself down to her underwear, and was thus eliminated. Of course, she could not be removed from ringside until the entire restaurant had gotten a good 90 seconds worth of regurgitation-inducing eyefulls. Then Ashley entered last, and took about 20 seconds to relieve Victoria of her shorts. FIN. [The entire display took pretty close to 15 minutes, despite the dearth of action. TV-G titilation and the continued public humilation of Mae Young for the amusement of Vince McMahon do not add up to a whole lot of anything good. Closest this came to being interesting: Mae looked drunk and reckless, and almost caused a Wardrobe Malfunction on Victoria. But nothing happened. Bleargh.]
   
  
  
• Backstage: Shelton, oblivious to the fact that his mom helped him win the match, was innocently jubilant as he got ready to do an interview for WWE.com. You know what? This story was better when Booker T and Sharmell did it. All of 3 months ago.
   
  
• John Cena survived the Elimination Chamber Match to retain the WWE Title. Michaels, per stipulation, started the match. And his opponent, by luck of the draw: Cena. Interesting. And it takes absolutely NO time before the crowd figures out that It's Fun To Hate John Cena! Just basic back and forth stuff, but made more fun by the fact that everything Cena did drew boos, and everything Michaels did drew cheers.  Cena got his first sustained advantage just in time for the next entrant in the match to be released.... after the light show, the spotlight settled on... Carlito (who puncuated his entry with a perfectly timed apple spit-take). As soon as Carlito came in, Cena took control to even MORE RAUCOUS boos, as if the fans wanted to make sure that Cena knows "We don't just like Michaels, we genuinely loathe you, Wigger Boy." Carlito eventually took control, since he was fresher... but then Cena and Michaels started teaming up a bit, and got the better of Carlito (the crowd wasn't quite sure HOW to react to that) just in time for the next entrant.
   
  Kurt Angle, who came in and went Suplex Happy. Germans for everyone! And then, once everyone's had Regular Germans, how about everybody takes a German from the ring to the steel Chamber floor outside the ring! And as predicted: everybody's cheering for Angle. Double so once he takes aim on Cena for a bit of a beat down. Then Angle takes a moment to focus on Michaels, and ends up bloodying him after a spot outside the ring involving the plexiglass sub-chamber. And finally, to complete the trifecta, Angle turned his attention to Carlito, and actually cinched in the Anklelock. But he did so just in time for our fifth entrant, which we all knew would be...
   
  Chris F. Masters. Like a good lap-dog, he immediately saved Carlito from the anklelock. Masters tries to interject himself into the match, but for the life of me, I can't remember anything interesting he does. Instead, my next memory is of Angle getting the anklelock on Cena (to a huge pop)... but then, Michaels picked Angle off with a superkick out of nowhere, and eliminated Kurt just like that. Huh, that's not how I'd have booked it. The crowd heat just took a major nose dive.
   
  And it continues to plummet, as they intentionally pair up Masters with Cena, which means that the fans are no NOT caring about booing Cena, since there is no force in the universe that could make anybody give a shit about CFM. Also: the fans had really taken a shine to Carlito, who is now paired with Michaels, and their babyface appeal kind of cancel each other out. Way to put that together, guys.
   
  Finally, Kane makes his entry into the match, and the heel duo waste no time making themselves scarce. The already-beaten Cena and Michaels  both get chokeslams, but then Masters and Carlito attack in tandem on Kane to prevent him from scoring any eliminations. Masters briefly gets the full nelson on. But Kane escapes and Zombie Sits Up. Carlito hits his double-knee back-breaker thing. But Kane kicks out at two and Zombie Sits Up. So Carlito and CFM doubleteam on Kane, eventually hitting a double-DDT. Then BOTH of them pile on to Kane, which is enough to score the pinfall. Huh. And so we're back to Cena vs. Masters and Michaels vs. Carlito. Again: that's not how I'd have booked it.
   
  So as intense and promising as this was in the opening 15 minutes, all that's left now is the sense of inevitability that we have to get Masters and Carlito out of there before things will get interesting again. So of course, what's WWE's play? They eliminate Michaels next. The heel tag-teaming of CFM and Carlito meant that they'd focus first on one guy, then the other. In so doing, they also bloodied Cena. Eventually, Michaels started a comeback. Flying Burrito (on Masters), Kip Up (and a bonus Inverted Atomic Drop on Carlito), and then a Macho Man Elbow for good measure on Cena. But after choosing to target Cena as he tuned up the band, Michaels lost track of the bad guys. Master clubbered him, and Carlito followed up with the Roll Of The Dice Neckbreaker, and just like that, Michaels was gone. Yet again: now how I'd have booked it.
   
  Because now the fans basically have to choose from three heels. In so far as they still care, it ALMOST seems like they like Carlito the best. I know at Hooters, that was the consensus (yep, even in a jerk-water berg like Dayton, and the White Trash Heaven that is Hooters, the unwashed masses have abandoned Homey the Clown!). So we limp through a few minutes of Carlito and Chris F. Masters beating Cena down. Then Cena starts a requisite comeback (to muted boos, now that fans are resigned to the inevitability that Cena will not be losing the title to either of these two). But no matter what, two is still more than one, and Carlito and Masters get the better of Cena again. Carlito commands CFM to apply the full nelson to Cena. Masters complies. Carlito stabs Masters in the back (to a huge pop) by uppercutting him in the man-sac, and then rolling him up for the pin.
   
  But then, just as quickly (and to equally loud boos), Cena does the exact same uppercut-to-the-sac-and-roll-up thing on Carlito, and wins the match against all odds. [Brushed up against 30 minutes, with the line of demarcation placed almost exactly in the middle. The first half was awesomely dramatic and intense. The second half just stank of inevitability, and had almost no sizzle. Very odd, but I think this represented WWE's Best Attempt to get fans cheering for Cena, by taking Angle and Michaels out of the equation. And how many times do I have to explain that "Addition by Subtraction" is NOT the solution to anything. All they did here was rob what started out feeling like a potential Early Match of 2006 Candidate of its drama and excitement, in the name of muting the "Cena Sucks" chants and boos a little bit. Frustrating, given how excellent and potential-laden the first half of the match seemed.]
   
  
• But Wait! It turns out this isn't really the end of the show afterall. Vince McMahon's music starts, and he stands at the top of the aisle to announce that there is one more match yet to come... because somebody has decided to cash in his Money In The Bank. So another WWE Title Match is coming. And it's coming up Right Now.
   
  
• Edge defeated John Cena via pinfall to win the WWE Title. Edge entered to a babyface pop at Hooters. One loud enough that I had no idea what noises the live fans at the PPV were making. A bloody Cena tried to drag himself to his feet after a grueling 30 minute match, and managed to make it.  But other than maybe one quick hope spot, Cena got NOTHING. Edge hit his first Spear at the 1 minute mark. Cena (superman that he is) kicked out. But Edge did not panic. He just hit another Spear. And this time? Cena stays down for the three count. [Probably about a 90 second match, and as such, it is unratable by any standard means. But just as an exciting tag to the show, it rates very well.]
   
  Edge then celebrated with the title and with Lita to close out the show. Again: the Hooters response was loud and positive, and made it hard to tell what the live crowd response was. But from the number of standing, fist-pumping fans visible on camera, I'm guessing they were pro-Edge, too. Or at least: pro-title change.

So OK, WWE.... paraphrasing the late Easy E: now that you got our attention, what the fuck you gonna do with it, bitch? I'll be interested to tune in tomorrow night to find out. Don't disappoint me.
 
Definitely a big, surprising end to an over-poweringly schizophrenic night of Very Good and Mind-Blowingly Bad. And you know how I roll: Big Finish equals Big Points when trying to tie it all together into one overall rating. The satisfaction was not spread out evenly over the course of 3 hours, but in the end: it was still there, and in acceptable doses.

More thoughts/analysis/etc. tomorrow in OO.