by Lee Filas  
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But, before we begin, lets dig into the Jerk's Sack:

From the Bag O' Bond:

From Derick:

What's up Homeslice? Just going through your RAW Recap, saw this:

I've just noticed something. They say the Norelco shaver is James Bond razor of choice, but did he ever actually use that thing in the movie? I don't remember seeing it. In fact, they tried to pull a fast one on me with that same thing during his last movie. I saw the BMW, but I never saw the damn Norelco! It's a scam!! I'm pissed!!! Norelco is lying to me!!! Those fuckers.

I just saw the movie a few days ago, and he does use it. Just after he gets his room at the Yacht Club, and before that hottie comes in. They show him turn it on, choose BOND'S PREFERRED SETTING~!, then apply it to the side of his already shaven face. Of course, I was high as a giraffe's ass when I saw this, so I could be confused, but I know for sure they show him using it at the least. :)

Keep up the good work!

Dear Derick:

Fucking Bond, always trying to make me look bad. What a dick...

From the Bag O' Dave:

From Crozak:

Hey, Lee. I'm probably the last one to write ya this but: Welcome Back. I missed ya man. I am still trying to get over the loss of CRZ seeing as how your recaps are hellovalot different than his. Eh, whatever. You still kick ass. And I thought about a nickname for Batista: That Big Motherfucker. Like it? Yeah, I was just sitting in my car, eating burritos and listening to Tom Petty when it just came to me. Anyway, good to have ya back.

Dear Crozak -

Ahhh, Burrito's and Tom Petty always give me hallucinations too.

Let's get on with it:

We gots...

Morley and Bischoff in the ring:

What, no pyro? Ahh, those damn cutbacks. Seems everyone is taking a hit!!! United Airlines is killing us all!!! They do nothing but stand in the ring like a couple of used tampons (don't ask me how that fits...) and then call to the back and HBK appears on the screen. Then, as if magic occurs in the production room, a split screen of Triple H comes on. This whole thing leads to Bischoff announcing the title match is going to be two out of three falls: the first fall being a street fight, the second a cage match, then the third a ladder match. TWO QUESTIONS: One - wasn't there a better way to handle this? I mean, just having Morley and Bischoff exuding their power by putting this thing on...it's kind of retarded. Two - how in the hell is Michaels back going to hold up under this strain? He's going to fold like a house of cards by the time the ladder comes into play.

This leads us to...

Little T and Goldy vs. the Un-Americans:

There will be a fatal four way for the title at Armageddon, and it seems that two of the teams will be meeting right here. It's nice to know that the fat guys are out of the running for that thing. Kind of funny if you ask me...the only guys in the fed who have not had a singles career are the ones left out of the mix for that thing. AWWW SHIZNIT!!! The first tape break occurs, and I have to go back in and cut and splice the tape. (For all of you duct tape lovers out there, a little duct tape will go a long way to fixing a VCR tape. Just open the panel on the tape, take the broken pieces out and splice them together with duct tape. If you do it right, it'll hold long enough to feed through the machine and start the spool on the right side of the tape. Just don't hit rewind or you'll screw everything up. God, I love duct tape...you can do anything with it.) Okay, we're back in action....seems Storm slaps on the camel clutch and they have control. A hot tag to Booker T and he cleans house - but not before he swears at the camera causing a bleep on live television. HAHAHA!!! I see, the WWE has censors on Monday. T goes for the spinaroonie, followed by the scissors kick, and goes for the cover - but Regal interrupts the count. Double team on Little T, elicits a Goldy interference move. Goldy with a curtain call, connects right in Regal's special place, but Regal manages to kick out with a real high voice. After fast action that is impossible to keep up with, Storm slaps on the sharpshooter and Goldy taps out. Then, as the losers walk away, Coach demands respect by trying to get an interview!! That shameless bastard!! Booker takes offense to having his shower time being interrupted and he tells Coach that he would like to probe him anally with his foot, but, Goldy admits to being the weak link of this retarded team. He wants out of the match at Armageddon because he sucks. How nice of him to state the phrase that everyone else in the fed has been saying for 6 months.

A second of fuzz then clear, then more fuzz, then clear again - this could be the greatest commercial break of my entire life!!!!. God, this is going to give me a seizure.

Trish in the back:

Trish is reading the literary works of that Little Fat Kid Named Terry. Man, she's hot AND she reads!!! Y2J comes in and he reads his own version of the book, which honestly has a better ending than Hogans book. Y2J offers up some of the Vitamin C to the fitness model, but she declines because he has a little wee-wee. After some more iincredible acting, he retorts that he does not have a small penis. And, in response, she sticks her chest out.

RVD on the phone:

He's in Bichoff's office, talking on the phone, lounging, when Morley and Bisch come in and take offense. Heated words are exchanged, we find out that RVD is facing Dave tonight for no apparent reason what-so-ever. Oh, and Scott Steiner was on the phone and they hung up on him. Bisch does damage control, while this becomes stupid.

Jackie is stretching:

I've got mail!!! YEAHHH!!!

Lil Stevie is walking:

I've got mail!!! Yeahhh!!! Oops, there's that jezebel, and she offers up some ear sucking which sends Stevie into a tizzie. My, her talents know no bounds.

LORD OF THE RINGS IN 10 DAYS!!!

Jackie vs. Lil' Stevie:

Great, there's a triple threat match between Jackie Trish and Victoria at the PPV. How nice that is. I'm SOOOOO looking forward to it. Why are they even having this match? Lilian wore a skirt again - see, they do listen to what we say on the websites!!! I told her never to wear pants again, and she has done nothing but worn shirts. Anyway, Richards gets his ass kicked in the beginning, he rebounds, she almost fools him, but then Jackie gets her ass whipped. She gets pinned, then Victoria comes out and does that move of hers. Then, out comes Trish and the fight is on. Stevie pulls Victoria out of the ring, and that's it. What a waste of time this was.

However, lets discuss something that WASN'T a waste of time. I just want to applaud the WWE for going to the extreme - pushing the envelope mind you - and setting up a lesbian scene between Torrie and Dawn Marie!!! From the bottom of my - um - testicles, I thank you. It was a night I'll never forget. <wipes tear from eye.>

The Gay Hardy and Perky:

I've got a $10 spot that says Jeff never glances ONCE to see if he can get a free peek at Perky's perkiness. Nope, he stares her in the eyes the whole time. Also, the gay Hardy said that he has been honored to be called the other HBK - and he's looking to capture a little HBK himself. In comes Shawn and he talks about how great he is. He also wishes luck to Hardy. Then, the Gay Hardy checks out Shawn's package. Nice job, Jeffy.

RVD vs. Dave:

It's just a shame that RVD has been left out of the title mix - again. God, if I were RVD, I would just get pissed off at this point. When are they just going to let him headline a PPV? Out comes Dave with Mumbles...man, he is a big mother fucker. Speaking of bmf's, anyone catch the end of the Soprano's this week? What the fuck? This season sucked. It was like what Raw was in the last two months. It just completely wasted my time. The only cool part is when Ralphie got whacked. Anyway, Dave manhandles RVD for the first three minutes, then RVD's educated feet start to find their mark. A rolling thunder gets a two count, followed by a van terminator. A five star is blocked by Mumbles...this all leads to a Dave powerbomb. But, instead, Kane makes the save. The bell rings, then Flair runs in only to get hit by RVD. Um, well, this leaves RVD without an opponent at the PPV? Will it be Flair, or will RVD just - you know - hang out waiting for someone to show up.

Hey, I came up with a great idea for the IC title. What they should do is make that the IC title the only interpromotional title in the fed. Every PPV, the title would be defended by whichever promotion has it, and the opposing superstar could make the trip to Raw or SD depending to promote the future match. Hell, Bischoff and Steph could even choose who the opponent would be. I think them getting rid of it sucked, but they could use it just to add a little rivalry between Steph and Bisch.

Morley and Kane:

They talk about what Kane just did, then Kane mocks Morley. Kane will face three minute warning in a handicap match tonight.

Harvard and D-Lo vs. Maven and Snow:

Okee dokee...um, this is pretty much the wasted match of the year. Sure, I understand the idea behind it, but...um....is there really a reason to...AHHHHH, tapes out. Let's fast forward and see what happens.

Okay, no idea who won, but it comes back on in the middle of a rousing interview with:

Booker and Goldy:

Booker tells Goldy that he wants him, bad. And Goldy accepts. It's a lovely moment when two boys kind find themselves and become one.

The Gay Hardy:

Is sitting!!! Yeah, I've got mail!!! Now he's walking!!! Yea, I've got mail!!!!! You've got mail!!!! Yeahhhhh!!!!!

The GaHHHme vs. The Gay Hardy:

Like this is going to last longer than four total second before Hardy becomes the next victim. Remember when they gave this kid the IC title over the Game. What a great move that was. That's when Raw knew what they were doing. Anyway, the game spits on everyone in the first 8 rows, then Hardy skips down the aisle to the joy of the squealing girls. H has enough and chucks him across the ring. But Jeff comes back and goes for the win early, but it backfires and H takes control and ends the threa with two pedigrees. The pin, then unnecessary roughness to Hardy begins to occur. However, Shawn walks out and get's H's attention....it's gonna explode..this is gonna be GRE.....DAMN IT!!!! Tape completely breaks and cuts out in my VCR. That's it - no fixing it.

I do know later that Shawn jumps into a dumpster that contains Triple H - but didn't Cactus Jack already perform that little stunt?

Anyway - that's it - sorry about the tape issue and I swear I'll have it fixed by next week.

Later!!

E-MAIL LEE FILAS BROWSE THE RAW RECAP ARCHIVES

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