by Lee Filas  
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Oh, and just so you know, the book will be a fiction tale about - what else - a wrestler.

But, let's get into the Jerk's Big Sack so we can rumble in the jungle:

>From Brick -

I think its time for Rick to use all his hard earned, I mean begged for cash to get you a TiVo. You should look into this.

Dear Brick -

I abso-fucking-lutely agree with that assessment. Rick, get on it...I want the TiVo in place by Christmas.

Intro:

We got's Pyro:

But only after I look on in lust as two girls kiss on a wrestling mat. Of course, it was nothing like the wood in my pants after I saw Torrie and Dawn actually lock lips last night. God, that was hot. Anywho, we are in Orlando Florida...I wonder if the Rock stopped in tonight to say hello. I mean, it's in his back yard, I figure it would be the nice thing to do.

Trish and the Testicles w/ Legs vs. That Jezebel and Lil' Stevie Richards:

Okay, the fed has decided to keep the Trish/Victoria feud continue, so they find a new way to get them in the ring together. Trish takes the lead, but then Victoria takes over and tags in Richards. A slam later, Victoria is back in and ---wow nice submission move on Trish that all but broke her back. Richards is back in and Trish gets a sidewalk slam. A cover and Trish kicks out. Richards taunts her, and she punches out. I actually like this whole thing: it establishes Richards as a major heel by beating up Trish. After more ass kicking, Trish makes the hot tag to Test and he works the pump handle. Then Victoria gets involved, so she gets set up for the pump handle, but Richards with the save. Some shenanigans take place, resulting in Legs getting on the apron to show off her assets. She gets chased by Lil Stevie. They run around the ring, Legs leads him back in where Test's big boot all but tears his head off. The three count is all but inevitable. Good match that did a lot of things. During the replay, JR wonders whether Legs had underwear on.

Bischoff:

Is talking through a door that is marked Triple H. He leaves, then wanders down the hallway and bumps into Morley. Seems we are having the GaHHHme tribute night during the main event. Ooops, Morley promises Steiner the main event...and I smell a feud on the horizon. Seems like these two are going to go at it in a very special way that will result in a championship match at Royal Rumble.

Booka T and Goldy Claus:

Goldy blatantly asks Booka to touch his sack, and I have to pause the video because I'm laughing so hard. That was great, and Bookers reaction to the sack touching was classic. They then share a special moment together, with the tag title belts. Then Christian comes out and claims he is taking the belts back next week. They bicker, but it seems Goldy Claus has a gift for Christian - new and improved ass cream - with 35 percent more ass. Great segment. Anything that causes me to pause the tape so I can laugh makes it worth my while.

Maven vs. Harvard:

Okay, the battle of Tough Enough continues on. The Kings book is up for sale today, so you just run out and get you one. Okay, I'm fast forwarding this because this is a Heat match if there ever was one. Harvard won on a cheap counter that looked like complete crap. A waste of a Heat main event.

Replay of main event at Armageddon:

Shawn goes through some tables to lose. You know he's got to be in pain today, if he can even walk.

HBK:

He comes out dancing, then tells us that he's not ready to pass he torch to Triple H. He's alive and well, and is again the Showstopper. Well, I think he's over the top here, he hasn't been the showstopper since he wrestled with Marty Janetty. He's also calling out Triple H for another match, but I have a feeling that Flair will be making the step in the ring for him. Oh, wait, Y2J answers the call instead!!! YES!!! Excellent decision by the creative staff. These two need to have a feud with each other. This needs to happen. This needs to take place. Jericho rips the microphone out of HBK's hand, and he tells Michael's to shut his mouth. Jericho is fantastic when he's on, and he can piss off anyone in the entire world. After he blatantly gets the crowd to hate him, he becomes eerily sentimental in telling Michael's that he is truly the Has Been Kid. Beautiful...a brilliant masterpiece of Jericho, acting like he's talking from his heart and everything, calling Michael's a loser. This is going to be a great feud...and I would pay to see it at Royal Rumble. Michael's shuts the door with a super kick. This is going to be phenomenal.

Let's show it again:

After the commercial. That's a tape they could show over and over again.

Goldy vs. Christian:

I'm giggling again thinking of Goldy Claus blatantly asking to have his sack touched...that's hysterical. Anyway, hey, they took away Christian's firework display from the top. That's upsetting. Seems he was semi-demoted from that. Anyway, this shouldn't take too long. You know what's bugging me about Christian: Why cant he seem to make a decent singles run? Edge turned into a great singles wrestler, and Christian has always been phenomenal in the ring. He is great on camera and can grab heat for anything he does. So, why cant he parlay that into a single's career like Edge has done. Lets face it, he deserves a singles career, but the last time it happened, it fell apart. It's one of those mysteries I cant solve. Anyway, Goldy goes for the Shattered Dreams, but the ref stops it. Goldy rolls up Christian, but it' reversed and he's all but laying in the ropes. Of course the ref cant see it, and Morley must be off whacking himself to not change that call. Jesus, the replay shows he is absolutely UNDER the damn ropes. They could have made that one a little more convincing.

The GaHHHme in the back:

And here come Bisch. He talks the champ into trying to give up his main event slot, but Steiner's name is mentioned which clearly pisses off H. Also, H says something about the Roid Droid not being able to carry his scrotum. Also, Triple H mentions that he will pull an Austin and quit if Steiner is given his slot. The dilemma continues.

Flair rallies the troops:

He also plugs himself by mentioning that he's the 16 time world champ. Hey, wasn't he calling himself the 15 time world champ a couple of months ago? I'm confused...did he win the title after coming back to the WWE? Hmmm...I'm missing something.

Perky in the parking lot:

Talking on the telephone...with me of course. We are in the middle of phone sex, and I absolutely love it. Just when she is about to hit the crescendo of the conversation, Morley comes out. Damn you Morley!! I was about to explode my load...ah, he's gone, now where were we hone...damn you Morley, leave us alone....okay, gone again, now, yea, you touch me...DAMMIT!!! That's it, it's gone.

Kane and RVD:

Doing an interview. Seems Kane wants to explode all upset and shit, but Rob interprets him and explains to us that Kane is a little hysterical. This becomes pretty cute, as Rob tells Kane to release his inner child and stop getting so worked up. Then, Coach starts to sing "It's A Small World," the song that Kane apparently hates. Kane chokes the bastard out while RVD makes a pot reference. Very cute...

Kane and the Dood vs. Two Fat Guys and a Dave:

By the way, Lilian MUST be scared of the spanking as she is wearing a skirt AGAIN. Is she ever going to put pants on? But, my God, she is looking smoking. It's almost frightening. The things I would do to her over one bottle of wine, a bear skin rug, and a warm fire. Anyway, this could take some time, so let's fast forward to the good parts. Batista manhandles RVD for the first minute of the match, the RVD nails a rolling thunder to take the upper hand. However, RVD couldn't get the tag, and Fat Guy 2 comes in. RVD gets nailed once, then tried for the tag again, but doesn't make it. Fat Guy 1 is in again, and Dave decides he's bored with the whole situation. He leaves, setting up:

RVD and Kane vs. Two Fat Guys minus Dave:

Okay, Kane gets the tag in and now he goes to town on the Island Boys. I have a feeling that these two are on the proverbial shit list for their weight because every time they step into the ring as just themselves, they get squashed. Kane wins it with a choke slam on Fat Guy 1 ending the contest. But, this cant be over as Kane didn't get him some of Dave. RVD does the point to self, Kane decides against it, then make the corners explode.

It's the Roid Droid, and he's walking!!!

Do you think he knows he's heading into a program with Triple H? God I hope so or the writers are going to be pissed.

WARNING: My laptop crapped out for a second and wiped out the shit I wrote for the Dual Dudleys vs. the Unamericans, so here's a sum up: It was fast paced with a lot of action, but Regal got the pin when he brought out the knucks. The best part of the match was the replay where Lawler refused to admit that the knucks were brought out, and JR pointed them out by asking if that large brass object was a wedding ring.

Retro Raw:

Mick Foley wins the belt by pinning the Rock: In my opinion, the best part of that show didn't even happen on that show. It was when Eric Bischoff had Tony Schiavone tell the world that Foley was going to win the title on Nitro. I swear to God, I heard channels changing all over the world that night. Hell, I was one of those people that changed the channels. It was fantastic.

The Gay Hardy vs. Chicago's Own D'Lo:

Okay, for as much as I like D'Lo, I'm running a little late, so I'm going to have to skip over this thing. Fast forward...D'Lo is winning this on the first part, but then Hardy comes back with a lot of risks. Remember when they called Hardy the new HBK...and now he's a mid-carder who just has a bunch of high spots. Anyway, Jeff hits the swanton bomb and takes the win. They should have Hardy start doing the I'll do anything to win deal, like when he attacked the Underbiker.

'Roid Droid in the back:

Flair walks in and - the most unintelligible conversation in the history of wrestling takes place. I HAVE NO GOD DAMN IDEA WHAT EITHER OF THESE TWO MEN SAID. Here's something the writers may want to try and remember in the future, do not - EVER - put these two guys in a segment together until they both hit the professional speech therapist. It sounded like two infants who smoke arguing about who is going to ride in the damn bouncing swing.

Replay:

D'Lo had his foot on the ropes. So, the ref takes it upon himself to apologize...now how many times do you see this. An honest referee? D'Lo is rightfully upset and decides to turn heel, and throws the race card out there for everyone to chew on.

Legs:

Is just about to hit the climax on our phone sex conversation, when she hangs up!! Bitch!!!

Quick shot of Raven:

Okay, now wait a minute. He lost a match to Tommy Dreamer last year that kicked him off Raw for good, but he is? He's supposed to be off RAW for GOOD!!! God, stick to the rules you guys made. If he's gone, then he's gone. Don't ever bring him back, not even for one second like you just did.

Y2J vs. Booka T:

Jericho grabs the mic before the match begin and he harasses the fans. OH MY GOD Lilian!!! Jesus Christ, can you look any friggin' hotter? Anyway, Jericho grabs the microphone and bitches to the fans, but instead of running the incredible footage, they cut to commercial. Dumb move...I have a question right now that no one will be able to answer: How do you feel CRZ would take that? I mean, here is a guy who typed every damn word that was said on a program, yet they cut off a speech to go to commercial. Would he be happy that he gave his fingers a break, or would he be pissed that they cut off a time for him to shine...hmmm. To me, it's actually kind of funny, but only if they do it once. However, knowing the writers here, they'll do it again and again - just to make the whole cutting Jericho off thing stupid. Anyway, we come back and Jericho is bitching at the fans, telling them he does not suck, and out comes T. Jericho doesn't waste any time and starts to take out T. It becomes a see saw battle - a good match. He also does a great job of taunting the fans in the match. Booka hits the book end, but Jericho gets to the ropes. A flap jack leads to a spinaroonie, then Christian heads into the ring. Goldy comes out to lend his partner a hand. Jericho is tossed onto Christian, and the ref calls for the bell that never rang. It's ver - I guess. Next week, they fight again for the tag titles.

Roid Droid is walking:

And he bumps into Morley. Morley is crying and asks Scott to sign his contract in the main event next week instead. Scott accepts, but we all know that is not going to happen.

Bisch and Morley in the ring:

They pump H's nads before H's music kicks in and he comes out with the belt. Bisch offers us a video tribute, which prompts a fast forward tribute of my own. Then H talks about how he's the greatest, and acts like a complete heel. Then - the shock of the night right here folks - here comes Steiner. He's ready to sign his contract, and now is the time for that signing to take place. Everyone looks at him like his head was cut off. Steiner cuts to the chase, he tells H that he cant beat him, period. He wants a world title shot or he's gone. Also, H gets in his face and they argue for a little while. H isn't giving him a shot and says no to the title shot...this is going to take a long time and really. Finally, H decides to give Steiner the title shot he wanted, prompting Steiner to sign the contract. Then, they get into each others face. Steiner offers up a first punch to the GaHHHme, but H smiles and takes a step back. Steiner takes a step forward and more kissing happens. This prompts H to declare his heterosexuality and backs out of the ring. Steiner then throws every catch phrase he has at us, then offers up an ass whipping. Then, it's over...just like that.

Overall:

It was a good show, with the first hour hotter than the second. The contract signing was needed, but it took to damn long. I'll give it an 8 out of 10 stars.

See you next week.  

E-MAIL LEE FILAS BROWSE THE RAW RECAP ARCHIVES

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