by Lee Filas  
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

So, let's get to it. But before we head off into the bowls of the WWE, let's take a look at the Jerk's Sack O' Stuff:

>From the Bag O' Empty:

Jesus...I got nothing two weeks ago. Oh well, less for me to type, yet my ego is crying out for a stroking of some kind!!! Where's the love people? Where's the love!!!

Well, that was easy...

We gots pyro!!! I love it when pyro blows off at the top of the show...it means that everything is all right with the world yet again.

Bisch and Morley in the ring:

Bisch is out with his little lap dog and announces that this year will be the year of the Bisch. He is going to rule wrestling into submission, and tell everyone what their role is. Good, I think a lot of people in this place - especially the writers - need to learn what their jobs are. That could be a good first step for you Bisch. Well, he also decides some punishment is in order for the Dudley's for interrupting the tag team event between the King and JR vs. the Un-Americans. This brings the Dudley's - sans Spike - to the ring. Seems a tag team beating of some kind is in order...after all this is the year of the Bisch. We all will learn the respect that he deserves. This whole speaking thing leads too:

Two Fat Guys and a Rico vs. the Dudleys:

No, wait, Bisch says that isn't enough. So he adds more people to the fight.

Two Fat Guys, A Rico, and a Dave w/ Mumbles vs. the Dudley's:

OH MY GOD!!! This is unfair!!! This is wrong...wait, this is scripted. I guess there's a point to be made here. The Dudley's hit the 3-D in about 10 seconds before Dave comes in and takes out D-Von. Then the squash ensues. Morley gets involved and beats down a Dudley for a little bit. Finally, Dave goes for a pin, but the ref refuses to count the 1,2,3. Bisch gets mad and threatens the ref's job, which leads to the inevitable count of 1, 2 - no, wait, Dave picks him up for further beating. Bubba then tries tries to come back, but he's stopped by a fat guy. Flair comes in and hits a figure four on Bubba, then the other fat guy jumps off the top rope and squishes Bubba. The bad guys begin to walk around the ring extremely cocky...and my patience is growing thin. I guess they got the sense too, because Dave finally makes the pin following a powerbomb on D-Von...but the beating continues on. The capper of this is when Bisch orders Morley to pick up D-Von...he screams, then he bitch slaps D-Von - ala Steph. Okay, well....um, I'm kind of speechless. I mean, this made a point like it's supposed to...wait, the King wants to go down and help out his friends, and JR pleads for him not to. I say send Lawler down to get his ass kicked. This way, I wouldn't have to hear his infantile screams for the rest of the night.

Storm and Regal:

Decide to come out and bitch at JR and King, then head to the ring to beat up the still prone Dudley boys. HAHAHAHA...see, now that's kind of funny. The only thing better would have been if the ref rang the bell and Bischoff decided to make this a match. Hell, it would make me laugh if every heel in the company came down for a match with the Dudley Boys right now. One by one, for the next hour of the program.

Replay of Regal nailing Bubba with the knucks:

They didn't show Bubba taking a blade though. Of course, that would have been against the whole idea that wrestling is real.

Triple H:

Stares at his roided out pecks in the mirror, when Mumbles enters the room and gushes. Seems Triple H is all jealous of the Roid Droid, turning this into the second pointless segment of the night. Of course, this sets up the amazing pose down competition later. Enter the Droid, who manages to speak a whole segment without using one of those fantastic catch phrases he's so famous for.

Jackie is walking!!! Trish is sitting!!! Now they're both walking!!! Yeah!!

Trish and Jackie vs. Victoria and Molly Holly w/ Lil' Stevie:

Lillian has apparently figured out that I was coming back this week because she wore that pink skirt for me. She saved herself from yet ANOTHER spanking. Jackie starts out and gets the better of that Jezebel, but it doesn't last long and she gets booted around the ring. Molly tags in, does a handspring thingy, then Jackie is put in a weird double team submission move. Actually, that would have been hot if they put it in on Trish instead. Victoria's misses on a sweet second rope moonsault - she goes very high in the air, and it impresses me. Trish finally gets a tag and does that top rope leg thing, then kicks the spit out of Victoria's head. Trish and Vicky then trade boob slaps, before the end. Trish had Victoria in a roll up, but Lil' Stevie enters and throws her to the ground and Victoria reverses it. Good match for the women's category.

Book and Goldy with Perky:

She asks a dumb question about the new year, Book throws out some catch phrases while Goldy stares at his ex wife. Man, you can tell that Goldy is just longing to get back in the sack with Perky. Man, he's practically drooling. And, he's so verklempt that he doesn't say a word throughout the whole segment. There's a love triangle happening on the horizon here, you can just smell it.

Cut to: Bisch in his office:

He throws a fit to Morley about Book's statements, and decides to punish them by signing a match between Regal and Storm and the tag champs.

Y2J in the ring:

I love that beard he has. It makes him look like a complete moron. In fact, I like it so much that I'm going to get one of those things myself JUST BECAUSE I want to be like him. Anyway, Jericho grabs the mic and tells us he's joining the Royal Rumble. Wait, I just had an epiphany...what are the chances that Stone Cold will be at the Rumble? See, people out there in reading land - especially Rick himself - missed ONE HUGE THING over the past two weeks. In the Ross Report two weeks ago - just before Christmas - Ross said he was looking forward to the new year because it would mean the return of the Rock and Stone Cold. He honestly said that Stone Cold will be coming back. Not that he might return, but that he WILL be back. So, what are the chances that Austin will walk down as one of those 15 guys from Raw? Hmmm...I say it's 50 percent. Anyway, out comes Michaels to interrupt Y2J. He is also going to join the Rumble, another big shock. They then play mind games and it's quite good. Jericho drops the act - again - and makes himself look great because of it. Michaels tries to con Jericho into being the number one entry in the Royal Rumble. They also threaten to fight each other, but out comes Randy Orton to get in the middle, just to tell us that his arm is healing nicely. He gets drilled by Michaels, then Jericho and Michaels go at it. Out comes RVD, then Christian and then Kane. Hmmm...that was strange. Not strange bad, but strange, strange...if you know what I mean. Maybe it's just me, but why would Orton be involved in this?

Oh my god, have you ever been asked a question that just makes your head hurt? It just happened. My boss called me and - I swear to God - asked me a question that made no sense what so ever. It was something about property taxes that has never - ever - come up in any story I have ever written, I just sat there with this dumb assed look on my face during the entire conversation. Then, I asked him why he said it, and he couldn't answer what he meant. I swear to God, I think I just got dumber from that question.

Book and Goldy vs. the un-Americans:

Hey, can someone give me a legitimate reason why the WWE went through with that whole Al Wilson/Dawn Marie marriage on Thursday? It makes no logical sense to me to keep them married. I mean, he CANNOT act a lick...and if you take her out of lesbian action, and she isn't worth a storyline at all. So, why keep them together? Stupid - purely stupid. Anyway, these two teams are great, but only if they are in with different teams. I see this match being extremely slow and methodical, and kind of boring. Don't get me wrong, I like both teams, but only if they face other people. They are two similar and methodical in their approach to make this exciting at all. You know what? Only one of these four guys in the match were in the WWE before WCW closed last year. Okay, and what's with the guys in the front row? There's about 20 guys just sitting there - bored. Man, the fans of Phoenix aren't really exciting, are they? (Of course, I find out later that they are actually involved in the program, but I didn't know that here.) Well, anyway, Storm has Booker in a head lock - and there has been about 20 or 30 or these holds going on in this match so far. HA!! Then, after a Booker rally, Regal kicks the ref dead in the face. Now, that was exciting. That makes me laugh my carcass off. We then break for commercial, but return to see that Booker is near death. Morley seems to have taken over the ref duties for the ref that died from the boot to the noggin, but he gets his ass kicked by Booker so we have a third referee (Neil Patrick). It's back and forth for awhile, until Goldy hands the hot tag to Booker. He's a HOUSE O' FIRE!!! Regal and Storm make Booker look good by flying all over the ring, before Book hits a one legged flap jack then pulls out the spinaroonie!! Patrick to count, but he's yanked out of the ring by Morley, They argue, but Regal hits the knuck shot and Morley counts the three. This gives us new tag champs. Ah, seems we know four guys who wont be in the Rumble next week.

Pumping the pose down later tonight:

Why are they even having this thing? Jesus, cant either of these guys wrestle or something? This reminds me of all of those damn contract signings that Hogan used to have to close out shows. It was a waste of time then, and is guaranteed to be a waste of time now.

Morley, the UnAmericans and Bisch:

They celebrate the titles. A waste of about 10 seconds of television time.

Retro Raw:

Sable starts by wearing a potato sack before she rips it off to end Marc Mero's career. You know, though, I never really thought she was that hot. She was too damn plastic, had too much make up and did that weird hair thing for me. I don't know, I was just never into it.

JR and King plug "Greatest Raw Ever":

And if you didn't vote for Owen Hart's memorial, then you should be ashamed of yourself.

Test w/Legs vs. Nowinski w/ D'Lo:

Dude, I totally saw Leg's purple panties. Anyway, D'Lo believes everyone is against him because of his race, and I roll my eyes right out of my skull. This is my simple theory on wrestling and race storylines: Never do them. Period. Do not - ever - play the race card in wrestling. It's a stupid move and only leads to an extremely bad storyline. The only time it worked a LITTLE was the Nation of Domination, and that only worked after Owen and the Rock were added to the mix. Once they left, the Nation folded like a house of cards. I see D'Lo heading back to the OVW for this. Anyway, Test is getting beat up, then comes back, but is distracted by D'Lo who is coming near Stacy. Chris makes a move on him, but Test beats up the Harvard grad and gets the win. Then, D'Lo gets the drop on Test and he's out. Now he looks lustily at Stacy...and I've seen this storyline before in many different incarnations.

Y2J mumbles:

Christian runs in and he's joining the Rumble. Y2J says he's happy because Christian can help him win the event and eventually the title, but Christian wants it all for himself. They start to bicker and begin to list off their wrestling credits. Before Randy Orton enters and separates them from fighting. They make their leave, but not before Randy checks himself in the mirror.

Replay of the fight between Triple H and the Droid:

Oh God they arm wrestled and Steiner won on numerous occasions. Thank God I was out Christmas shopping when that took place and didn't see it.

To the back:

Where each are flexing in their own way. We cut so we can stare at the two steroid junkies and to make us question our own sexual preference.

The GaHHHme and the Droid in a posedown:

Okay, honestly, what is the point of this? I mean, if your demographic is men ages 18 to 32 or something, is it smart to have two guys showing off their bodies to us? Come on...there is no point to it. However, H is kind of funny tonight - especially in delivering the line "freak-zilla" and calling everyone jealous. He's calling some of the crowd into the ring, and me thinks that this is a huge set up. Anyway, this is so boring its putting me to sleep. Um, excuse me Vince, will there be wrestling in your wrestling program anytime? Triple H takes off his short and the girls scream...I get bored. Steiner pulls off his shirt and the girls scream, and I get bored. They pose in front of each other, and it's boring. They pose again and I'm still bored. HOLY SHIT!!! They just fucking kissed!!! Right in the middle of the third posedown...and now I have to question their sexuality. Isn't Trip dating Steph? Doesn't Steiner claim to have screwed multiple "freaks?" Was that just a passing smack to confuse us? AHHHH!!! Well, the judges in the front row - the six bored guys from before - vote unanimously against Steiner, and Steiner is too stupid to figure it out. Oh my God, is this taking to fucking long. And it's too fucking boring. You know, just fucking shoot me right now. Now, they decide to have a push up contest, but we all know that the six morons are going to jump Steiner during the push up routine, but the Droid is going to fight his way out of it. BIG SHOCK!!! They jump Steiner as H runs out of the ring. Then Steiner lays waste to the people in the ring while H refuses to come back. What a fucking waste if time. Thanks for killing wrestling for me. Just get to the main event. Man, this fucking thing gave me a headache.

Y2J and Christian w/ Randy Orton vs. Kane and RVD w/ HBK:

God, Randy FINALLY gets to a main event, despite not wrestling in two months. This whole injury thing is getting him further in his wrestling career than his actual wrestling. Okay, officially we have 10 minutes before this match is to end, so it better be good. Hey, they showed some Hooter girls, how nice. They should have a Hooters in every god damn city throughout America. Okay, quick fight throws the bad guys out of the ring, the RVD does a suicide plancha onto the bad guys. RVD goes to town first, but gets pushed off the top rope onto the ramp. Jericho tried to lift up RVD, and couldn't do it - and I think he might have hurt his back. Then a submission move on RVD, RVD kicks out, but is slammed to the mat before he can get some offense. Christian enters and gets pounded down. RVD tries to tag, but he's halted. RVD pushes for the tag, but the ref misses it. Then Orton takes out RVD on the outside, prompting a super kick from Michaels, but he's driven into the steps via Y2J. Van Dam gets out of trouble, and crawls for the tag. He makes it, Kane cleans house - like always - and gets a near-fall on Christian. Kane cleans house some more, flies through the air for a clothesline, goes for a chokeslam but gets a ballshot for his troubles. Kane's down and set up for the conchairto, but he ducks, Jericho tossed out and Michaels goes to town. RVD flies and hits Christian in the face. Kane with a chokeslam, then RVD hits the 5 star and Kane gets the pin.  Match time - 8 minutes. Pose down time - 15 minutes. How fucking stupid is that? BUT WAIT - it's not fucking over because we cut to...

Bisch and Morley:

Regal and Lawler will fight it out next week. That's it, I'm calling Bischoff. His phone rings, and he picks it up...Yea, Bisch, never do a pose down again!! And if you do, I'm calling McMahon!!! He hangs up in fear of me, but screws up and says that Vinnie's secretary was on the phone (No, ass, it was me!!!). Seems someone heard my plea because Vinnie will be in attendance next week, most likely to bitch about the lack of wrestling on his wrestling program. I don't fucking blame him!!

Overall:

You know, it wasn't as bad as I made it sound. The whole pose down thing was a complete waste of time, and the final match was not the final segment like it always should be. So, I give it a 6 out of 10.  

E-MAIL LEE FILAS  
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