by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Want my feeling on the HHH/Steiner match from last night? It was watching like watching two old wrestlers fuck. It was ridiculous a complete waste of money. It was – honestly - like watching Angle and Benoit on slow motion – but only with half the wrestling moves and a quarter of the tension. I liked Dawn Marie and Torrie MORE than that piece of shit. It was a complete insult for anyone who thought that these two may actually put on a good match.

Oh – yea, make no mistake about it. I’m not blaming it all on Steiner. I’m also fucking pointing the finger at Triple H. Hey, I’m not one of those people who hate the GaHHHme. I’m not biased enough to believe that he’s on a power trip or controlling things back stage or anything. He’s got name recognition and should be considered one of the top heels in the business. I honestly still believe that he is one of the best in the business. But, that load of hardcore crap that he threw down last night was a pure embarrassment. He – along with that juiced up freak - was sucking wind hard core at the 10 minute mark, showing that he is out of shape and tired. My opinion – both he and “freak-zilla” have let this success crap go straight to their melons, because they are both obviously half the men they used to be in the ring. They need to think back to their hey-day and realize what got them to the top. They should also learn at what has gotten Angle and Benoit to the top, and, honestly, reassess themselves, because, right now, neither of them has pulled their weight in the squared circle for the last month.

I say it’s time to push Dave and pray for Austin to come back, because if guys like Steiner and Triple H – in their current forms - is the future of Raw, then we should all quit watching the thing right now. We’re screwed.

But, anyway, now that that whole thing is out of my system, let’s do a recap, shalln’t we? (Shalln’t? Hey…that’s pretty good. I made up a word!!)  

Yes, we shall. But, as always, let’s open up the Jerk’s Big Sack:

From the Bag O’ I Got 100 of These:

From Aaron –

I'm sure you've heard this from a bunch of ignorant morons who only want to let you know how retarded their own point of views are, but just in case; Raven won a match on Heat to allow him back on RAW.  He had to get rid of the Following, or whatever he was calling his Flock these days.  Take it how you will, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  Just thought I'd let you know.

Dear Aaron –

Okay, not just Aaron, but to the 25 or so letters that corrected me, let me answer this in two ways.

PRE-MONDAY’S ANSWER:

The fed has a show on Sunday? Fuck…does anyone watch it? Ah-ha!!! I thought not!!!

MONDAY’S ANSWER:

AH-HA!!!!! Raven and Justin Credible were cut today!!! So, maybe I – the Jerk – was simply predicting the future when I bitched about Raven being on Raw!!! So, who’s the moron now!!! Damn, I look GOOD right about now!!! (Okay, I’m still the moron and I should have read the Heat recap, but come on..it’s Heat. If I want to see midcarders, I’ll watch Raw.)

From The Bag O’ Hating A Former Contributor:

From Private First Class Jim of the United States Army -

On that Brian guy.   It seemed like he was really skimming through a thesaurus looking for big words to use.  A POX ON YOU???   VEHEMENTLY???   Who the fuck uses these words?   Brian, you are a cockguzzling moron trying to sound smart, stop trying, we all see through words like slothful and effeminate.   I bet you will never use those words again in your life and when you saw them in the thesaurus, you scratched your head and asked if that was just a bunch of letters thrown together.  I guarantee you are some puny, loser jerking off to child porn on your computer in your dorm at Podunk Community College in Arkansas .   Get a life and find some other cause to rant on about then the rights of bodybuilders.   See ya in hell.   

PLEEEEEEEEASE post the above stuff.   That would be great.   I have always wanted to cuss out some internet dork.  I don't know how you do it, I would be tracking his fucking ass down and going to kick his ass.  

Dear PFC Jim –

Your wish is my command. Your letter in which you hand Brian the Internet geek his ass is now printed. Now, you have to do me a favor. If/when you and the rest of the soldiers protecting my freedom head over to the Gulf for a war that has become a foregone conclusion, please – I beg you - keep your head down when the shooting starts and make sure you get your ass back here as soon as possible. By all means, be careful. It’s dangerous out there.

Anyway –

HERE WE GO!!!!

Martin Luther King is honored right here on Raw tonight….because if we didn’t, then D’Lo would bitch and moan about RACISM, wouldn’t he?

Replay:

Last week, Bisch was offered an ultimatum! Then he said he has an ATOMIC BOMBSHELL to drop on everyone!!!! Guess what, it’s Austin . And, guess what what? That bombshell is NOT going to endear Vinnie to Bisch. Guess why? Because Vince hates Austin , remember!! Guess why why? Well, to sum up, Stone Cold made Vinnie pee on himself causing years of hatred that boiled over into Stone Cold walking out on Raw.

Credits:

Women kiss, and Austin still remains out of the credits.

TRIPLE H IN THE RING:

No PYRO!!! to start out this telecast – oh no – no, you guys get:

The GaHHHme and Mumbles to the ring:

Triple H comes out with his pet Mumbles wearing a shiner on his left eye – that was clearly drawn on with make-up. Also, he has trouble with the spit take, and the people in the first four rows are thankful that he didn’t spit as well as spits past. He’s also limping around and selling the multitude of injuries he sustained during the weakest match of any Royal Rumble anywhere at any time. H then decides to call himself the greatest MAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH TODAY OR ANY DAY FROM HERE ON OUT!!! H Also says that he embarrassed Steiner last night, to which I respond “No, that bastard did it all by himself.” Triple H taking full credit for the crap fest last night pulls Steiner from his bathroom stall long enough to talk trash. Steiner says he is here to take the title, then asks for some props from his freaks. However, his freaks are also wrestling fans with taste, all of which remember last night, prompting an entire section of middle fingers. Triple H says he would love to create another crappy match for Steiner tonight, but that he doesn’t want to embarrass himself on live television for a second night in a row. He also produces a pink slip handed to him from Vinnie Mac himself, which calls for his termination. The note goes on to read “Please take that juiced up waste of a contract with you.” Then, to add insult to my intelligence, Mumbles - in the proper Queen’s English of spitting - says something about meeting Dave in the ring tonight. Dave comes out and walks down the ramp to show that he – unlike H – can carry Steiner to a decent match. But H takes offense and decides to try and carry Steiner to a match right now. Steiner responds by throwing the slowest left hand in the world and H – instead of ducking the slowest punch ever thrown in the world - falls down from the sheer slowness of the punch thrown his way. Dave screams on the ring apron at Steiner for being so slow, and Steiner agrees loudly. Then, everyone stares at each other while Dave – the only guy who can wrestle in the ring at this point and time – backs out. JR screams about this little affair – no doubt questioning the continuation of this storyline – as we break for commercial.

Thank God the writers of Raw actually LISTENED to the audience last night and pulled the plug on this shit-tacular storyline, eh?

RAW X Promo:

Speaking of screaming piles of wrestling shit, please tune in Saturday for an encore of this shit stain show that will no doubt go down in the annals of television time as the crappiest wrestling program since – oh – the Slammys. They must have run out of RAW Confidential's.

The Gay Hardy vs. The Dood:

Okay, the Hardy reunion was funny last night, but not as funny as Christians and Edge’s reunion. I laughed my ass off when Christian came out, hugged Edge, and tried to get Edge to attack Rey-Rey. I laughed so hard I cried. Anyway, this is a great start – the two try quick high risk maneuvers, but go even. Jeff gets a right in to take charge, the fight develops to the outside. Ah – shit, I knew this would happen. I can’t keep up. Okay, a dropkick by Jeff to RVD who tried to get back into the ring leads to a near pinfall. But Dood kicks out, a reversal and Dood goes for a rolling slam. He then hits a second rope moonsault, before setting up for the five-star. But El Jefe moves and RVD hits the ground hard. Jeff pops to his feet with a high knee jaw breaker, then he climbs the ropes and nails the swanton bomb. Jeff goes for the pin, but RVD kicks out leaving a stunned Hardy. A backward Twist O’ Fate leads to a back-slide for the quick pin by RVD. Jeff looks upset, almost ready to cry, and decides to retire. Nope, he’s just going to head to the ManHole bar down the street for a spritzer – You guys know the ManHole, where the men are men and the sheep are scared. Wait!!! Jeff grows a set and clotheslines RVD during the Points To Self part. He goes searching for a chair, but the ref steps in and refuses Jeff the opportunity to turn heel. Jeff leaves dejectedly, but with hope that this slight heel turn will get him some more singles gold. Of course, we all know it won’t.

Christian and Nowinski:

They talk about last night’s Royal Rumble, when Eric walks in and notices the black eye on Nowinski. Bisch then touts the possibilities of his Austin bombshell, before walking away. Nowinski claims that he knows what the bombshell is, but Christian doesn’t. Well, maybe, Christian should check out the Internet…then he would know too!!

The Droid is walking:

When Orton bumps into him, claiming that his shoulder is 96 percent healed. Steiner gets upset with that prognosis and threatens him.

Morley with Nick Patrick watching porn:

Morley wants to review Nick Patrick’s performance in the Dudley ’s tag title match last night, specifically the knucks shot that gave Devon and Buh-Buh the belts last night. Nick admits to a screw up, prompting Morley to force Nick to give a public apology. Now, THIS could be fun…

Tough Enough commercial:

Speaking of TE3, I was waiting for the Ruble Sunday and decided to check out some of Tough Enough…and I witnessed first hand Bob Holly beating the shit out of that kid?  What an asshole. What a whining bitch of a wrestler if there ever was one. He beats the crap out of a kid who is trying to get into this sport. For what? To prove how big a bad ass he is? What a dick. There was no need for that. Fucking Sparky Plugg.

Morley and Nick Patrick:

Seems the crowd knows Austin is on his way back, because they all chant what during this little thing in the ring. Morley asks Patrick to reverse his decision from last night, and Patrick refuses to do it. Morley understands Patrick’s decision, but he calls the Dud’s to the ring. After a weird minute or so of dead air, the Dud’s come down wearing the belts. (I love it when Buh-Buh wears the belt around his neck. It always makes me giggle.) Morley tells the Dud’s to forfeit the tag titles, while Devon tells his to eat shit and go to hell. Buh-Buh then explains clearly that he is not forfeiting the title. Morley issues an ultimatum, to which Buh-Buh nearly laughs himself to death. The crowd calls for tables, while Buh-Buh smiles wide at Morley. After a minute, Morley grabs for the belt, but Buh-Buh refuses to let go. A tug of war ensues – well, sort of. Morley looks like he’s really trying to pull it hard while Buh-Buh doesn’t even flinch – and Morley gets decked. Devon goes for the tables, while Morley stalls against the ropes. Then Storm and Regal blindside the tag champs. Buh-Buh gets flap-jacked through a table while the crowd boos uncontrollably. Morley then announces there will be a tag title match on Raw tonight. In fact, he decides to begin the match right now, prompting…

The Duds vs. the Un-Americans:

Regal hops on Buh-Buh and Patrick begrudgingly counts the three. And, we have NEWWWWWWW Tag Team Champions!!! Not a bad little segment, kind of a cool way to continue this feud.

Raw comes to Chicago next week:

 And I’m not going. To bad for me. Well, not really. Steiner will be there and he may actually wrestle, which means that I’ll be bored. I’ll just watch it at home.

Replay:

The Dud’s loose…awww hell, you’ve sent his already.

Trish “I’m stuck at the World while Dawn Marie and Torrie stumble to the crappiest match in the history of PPV” Stratus and Hurricane “I’m stuck at the World with Trish while 15 other Raw superstars partake in the Royal Rumble” Helms vs. Victoria “I wasn’t even invited to the damn World, and I’m the damn woman’s champion” (um, no last name) and Steven “I got to wrestle on HEAT before the PPV!!!” Richards:

Stevie and Hurricane starts. Hurricane gets a move in, before Stevie counters. He tags in Victoria . Helms refuses to face down that Jezebel, and wants out of the ring. But, Trish begs him to beat her ass, prompting Stevie in to make this match click a little better. However, Hurricane ducks and reverses Stevie with a bulldog. In comes Trish, a blown spot later and Stevie cheats to put Victoria on top. Victoria is wearing some itty-bitty backless shirt thing, and I can’t help but wonder how her breasts don’t absolutely fall out of that thing. Hurricane hits Stevie with some pain, then he hits Victoria with some pain before the ref throws him out of the ring. But, do not worry, superfriends, for Trish hits a mighty bulldog giving the blond and the superhero win. The good news? I got to see Victoria ’s thong.

Bisch on the phone:

He’s calling Vinnie, wanting the man to turn on the television. (Why doesn’t he just walk into the next room and turn it on for Vince? I mean, he’s clearly at the television taping tonight.) Anyway, seems Bisch has a bombshell to drop on this beyotch. Could it be Austin ? Maybe. (Hell, what would I know. I went on a limb last week and said Austin would turn up at the Rumble. Imagine how pissed off I was when Underbiker showed up No. 30.)

Raw X Saturday:

Don’t waste your time. It absolutely sucked.

Sean O’Haire promo:

He questions the existence of God, which all but promises him a spot – IN HELL!!!

Bisch in the ring:

HA!!! They just showed a sign that completely butchered Bischoff’s name. Bisch pumps up the crowd by showing us clips of that Raw X extravaganza!! BIG SHOCK IN 3….2…..1….It’s Austin . Yet, Bisch won’t call him out….he toys with us…and….and…..and….dammit, just announce his name and move on….YOU FUCK!! Apparently, Bisch is going to have Austin talk to Raw magazine. Jesus, this is stupid….more Austin clips from that piece of crap show last week. Now for the real bombshell!!! He is inviting Austin to make his return at No Way Out!!!! You guys suck.  That’s not a bombshell…that’s just a pure waste of time. I hate it when this company pulls shit like this. New idea, assholes, don’t promise me a bombshell then give me this BS about a pay per view. That shit pisses me – and other wresting fans – completely off. It’s a lot like – um – tickling my nuts, promising me a blowjob, , then telling me to wait four weeks for that particular action to take place. (Great, now I’m going to get mail calling me the gay Filas because I talk about Austin and hummers in the same paragraph.) In the old days – you remember, don’t you? You know, when this show was good – Austin just would have come out and shocked us all. God, I hate this show.

JR and King:

They feign shock at the announcement that Austin is coming back. Hell, JR went murdering small woodland creatures with him this weekend and Austin didn’t say a damn thing!! I growl at those two fat bastards…

Booka and Goldy vs. Two fat guys and a Rico:

Lilian is wearing a very clingy, long dress. I love those even more than short skirts…man, stunning.  HA!!! JR just called those two fat guys “Three Count” – ala WCW. Slick move dude. Goldy and Fat Guy A start out, and it slows down considerably. Okay a quick exchange leads to a tag of Booka. Booka goes for the quick count, doesn’t get it, then Booka gets reversed and is down. Fat Guy A spins Booka in the air, then lays on him. Book reverses it, tags in Goldy, Goldy with a hard right, then works the arm. Another quick tag and Booka goes back to the arm. Book gets sent into the opposite corner, where Fat Guy B comes in. Some fighting ensues – do I really care about this match? I need coffee…Sweet. Conclusion - You can’t do a decent Raw recap without a hot cup O’ Joe. (Not that I would know what a good recap of Raw is.) Anyway, Rico gets involved in this affair by throwing a right into Goldy, then B isolates him in the ring. Goldy finally manages to sneak out and tags Book, who comes in a house of fire. But, he’s stopped when one of the fat guys punches him in the solar-plexus. However, he reverses it to keep the house of fire alive. He goes for a bicycle kick on Rico and misses bad, but pulls a double DDT out of his ass. Book then gets no help and the fat guys go for the top rope plunge. Book moves and ends the threat. Rico climbs on the ring and gets a fat guy kiss. Book with a bicycle kick to remove one fat guy, then another kick for the pin. (There was a spinaroonie in there, but I missed it.)

Replay of Royal Rumble:

Michaels and Jericho hate each other because of a low blow and a chair shot. By the way, did you see Jericho get the cane right above his eyeball on a screwed up swing from Tommy Dreamer? God, was he pissed. He went after Tommy right after that, swinging the cane like a madman and nailing Dreamer hardcore. If you missed it, watch it again. When he’s hit by the cane, Jericho doesn’t scream in pain, but instead looks at Dreamer and goes “Jesus Fucking Christ!!” He had a golf ball-sized knot on his melon for the rest of the night. It was great.

Testicle w/Legs vs. Y2J

Jesus, Stacy looks hot tonight, too, but she still needs to get herself one of them booby enlargements I’ve heard so much about. Anyway, the knot on Jericho ’s head has been replaced by some stitches. I bet you they busted that knot wide open with a razor blade just to make it bleed. Anyway, he wants to make Test pay for kicking him out of the Rumble. Test gets the upper hand immediately, but Jericho does a top rope blocking move – ala the Rumble. He points to his skull showing his smarts, before walking into a gorilla press. Jericho does reverse a Test push with a top rope drop kick. He then beats up Test with right hands and chokes him in the rope. Legs cheers Test on, but to no avail. Jericho with a supplex, then a ball shot, and a reverse neck breaker submission. Stacy PUMPS the crowd <YES! Thank you!!! I’ll be here all weekend!!!> and Test responds. Test goes to beat the hell out of Jerky, before walking into a foot. A tilt o whirl slam gets two from Test, when a power slam gets another two. Test calls for the boot, but he misses. Jericho tries to come back, but is tossed over the top rope for the second time in two nights. Test goes for a pump handle on the floor, but the move is reversed and Test is sent into the ring post. Jericho has a steel chair and hits the ring post, but Stacy was in the way and she goes down<This probably isn’t the first time she went down all night!!!! YES!!! Thank you!! Again, I’ll be here all weekend. Try the veal!!!> Anyway, Jericho acts stunned while Stacy acts REAL sleepy. Jericho screams that it wasn’t his fault. JR and King must have turned their microphones off because they aren’t saying a word. EMT’s come out to take care of the boobless Diva while Test cries like a woman. They show the replay – which is actually quite good. Stacy fell at just the right time. I’m pretty impressed. The referee decides that Jericho should be punished for his actions, and sends him to time out like a two year old. Jericho , in the meantime, is having a blast with this. He screams that it’s not his fault, he argues with the crowd saying it’s not his fault, he cries to JR about it not being his fault. Actually, this could be pretty good in the future. If done right, this could propel the Michaels/Jericho storyline all the way to Wrestlemania, and give Jericho something to do on Raw when Michaels is a no show – like tonight.  

We’re back for more:

Legs still acts out cold, Test still cries, and JR seems somber. So, to show you how upsetting it is, we’ll jump to -

Al Snow at the World:

See how happy Al is right now!! No concerns of Legs...instead, he’s shrilling Tough Enough. That’s right, the five youngsters standing on this very stage are the future wrestlers that will blow spots and live in mid-card hell for the rest of their life. Here is your next Maven, or Christopher Nowinski!! Or maybe the next Jackie Gay-da! Speaking of Gay-da, I had the opportunity to watch a replay of her on Blind Date. What a fucking bitch, she was. She couldn’t have been more stuck up if she crammed a 2-by-4 up her rectum. She acted like she was so above the schmuck they set her up with, and the guy she was with was pretty normal. Sure, he was a lab technician and played with rats, but for Christ’s sake. He’s not a wrestler…deal with it. What makes her so damn special? If I remember correctly, that was right before she FELL DOWN from a phantom punch thrown by Trish. And, if I ALSO remember correctly, she was also SENT DOWN to OVW after that taping of Blind Date. I bet she wished she was as all together as the guy she dated on that episode!!! That bitch….Also, I couldn’t help but wonder, didn’t she have a boyfriend or something when she was on Tough Enough? I thought that was a huge deal with her when she made out with some other cast member in a hot tub. What ever happened to that ass? Is she above him now? Because she’s working out in OVW, she’s above his ass!!! That bitch.  

Dave bounces:

And Mumbles yells at him – ala Brock six months ago. They’re ready to go to the ring, so they do.

Tommy Dreamer vs. D’Lo:

This is a Singapore cane match, and this prompts a preacher to come out and tell us about a race card that should never be played in a wrestling storyline. So, instead, I once again focus on the extremely hot Lilian again - God, I cant take it, I have to remove myself from the television for about 30 seconds. You guys understand.

Okay, I’m back. The match is going on, but once again, I’m going to say this in hopes that someone at the WWE is reading this report: Please, never play the race card in a wrestling storyline. It only leads to problems. Anyway, D’Lo wins with the low down on Dreamer. Great to hear.

It’s Steiner:

He’s pumping and praying: pumping to get bigger and praying he doesn’t screw up like he did last night.

Nathan Jones:

He’s a psycho path from Boggo Road, Australia …he escaped. I know where to find him if you want him.

Dave w/ Mumbles vs. The Roid Droid:

All right – tell me this guy didn’t just suck up the ring last night. Case in point? How about that blown double arm supplex where he fell on his ass. Maybe, if he was in shape, it never would have happened. Okay, Dave and Droid go at it, with slaps to the chest. We are 30 seconds in and - I swear to God - Steiner’s already tired. Out of nowhere, Randy Orton runs in. He gets a shot in, but gets tossed out of the ring. Flair runs in and Steiner beats him up. Dave gets involved and he gets nailed in a corner. Then Triple H runs in and the Droid is down. (By the way, Steiner lasted all of 38 seconds in the ring. Nice main event, eh?).The beat down continues as all four guys whip him around, prompting a blade job by Steiner. The credits come up, leaving me to think about this one little bit of advice:

One good way to make sure Steiner doesn’t suck up the ring tonight is to make sure the interference occurs in 38 seconds. I mean, how much can one man screw up in 38 seconds.

Overall:

I think I’m still jaded from the Raw participation in the Royal Rumble, because this show sucked as well. The best parts were scheduled to be Steiner/HHH and Austin ’s return. We got neither…instead we were treated to a 38 second match and a pre-cum of sorts regarding Austin ’s return. The mid card stuff wasn’t too bad – setting up some decent storylines – but the top shit just killed by the writers and the fact that Steiner can’t wrestle. I give it a 4 out of 10 stars.

See you all next week.    

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
BROWSE THE RAW RECAP ARCHIVES

All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.