by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

This is what I like to call guerilla SCJ. Here, let me tell you all about it…no, wait, there is too much. Let me sum up:

I have about 90 minutes to not only write – but also edit – SCJ this week. The reason is because it’s 11:10 p.m. I had a meeting tonight with two state senators and three state representatives…and I have to be at the courthouse in the morning for another story at 9 a.m. Now, I would normally just tell Rick – eh, can’t do it, but seeing as how Brett from the boards can’t seem to live WITHOUT my SCJ being in on time – I mean, I don’t want to send the guy out to those large sledding hills without a song in his heart – I figured I’d crank one out as fast as I possibly can.

Now, guerilla SCJ means that I fast forward any part that doesn’t interest me right away – or doesn’t deal with the main event. So, in essence, a 2 hour Raw is about 15 minutes long, which leaves me 30 minutes to edit and allows me to get to bed at a somewhat reasonable time. Well, it won’t be that bad, but it’ll be damn close.

But, first, let’s dig down into my large sack:

From the Bag O’ Names:

From Eric –

How about calling batista The Human Juggernaut? He is unstoppable like the definition of the name.

Dear Eric –

How about calling him Dave like I have been? It’s quick to type and – if you remember correctly – they called him Dave for the first week he was here. Makes sense to me…

From the Bag O’ Many Ideas:

From Steve –

Anyone who couldn't see that Austin was the "bombshell" obviously don't watch wrestling much. Until yesterday I was glad to see Austin gone. I never did like him. But given we're stuck with HHH and the 'roided up rage monkey, the quicker they bring Stone Cold back the better. I almost feel like I need a shower after saying that. One final thing. With Orton getting into the stuff in the ring at the end, first thing that occured to me was "Four Horsemen ride again". When they did their group hug... Sorry, pose at the end, it seemed even more obvious. Then I realised that if that IS the case, what an insult to the name that group would be. (But given the way Vince pisses on history, no doubt it's all my imagination.) Still, better than the NWO I guess...

Dear Steve –

Uh-huh…I agree, I think – all except that shower thing. I’m not going there – literally.

Live, from SCJ-town known as Chicago, no pyro!! Instead, we’re treated to:

Droid Roid to the ring:

Look ma...he poses, he’s roided up and he’s not wrestling. Mumble, mumble, mumble….and out comes the GaHHHme. H spews about his greatness, and threatens to rush the ring, but he dodges and looks like crap for it. Instead, he wants to wrestle Steiner at the next PPV. Yea, good idea, waste another PPV on bad wrestling. Good thinking.

Then, the new horsemen come out and they walk down to the ring. Steiner waits, begging for them to come into the circle, One rushes, but Steiner strips down to his pipe and backs them all off.

Hmm..wait, did I miss half the show? I’m totally not sure, but this segment was way to short to start a Chicago show. I wonder if my timer is screwed up….

D’Lo with Perky and the Preecha:

Preecha wants a black superhero. This all leads too…

D’Lo vs. The Superfriends:

D’Lo wins with the low-down. Yet, the race card left me feeling good about the fast forward button.

Hogan and Vinnie:

From Thursday. Now, let me ask you this…how come Smackdown got a huge shock like a Hogan return, but they put the Austin return on the slow boil? Stupid…

Bisch and Morley:

Talk about Vinnie and the power struggle within. Bisch has two weeks to save his job, which means that maybe Austin will be here in Chicago tonight. Doubt it, but eh…

Y2J w/Perky:

Perky sums up the Stacy incident. In the interim while I watch all of these replays, I want to answer something. I can not, for the life of me, believe that my view on Stacy’s boobs became the largest thread on the OO boards this week and got me three or four flame mails this week. I mean, Jesus, I feel she needs a boob job – so what? My view is plainly simple: Is she hot? Yeah, she’s not bad. But I happen to like a decent set on a girl, not someone who’s acting sexy while pushing a set of AAs around my throat. It’s my own personal opinion. Now, for those of you who think I’m an ass, remember, I never told her to go out and purchase a set of knee shooters or anything. I mean, would a set of Cs be too much to ask for? Is that so wrong? Now, one last ting, and this goes out to all of those people who have said “I prefer real over fake.” Well, how would you know who is real and who is fake? I mean, honestly, inside of a bra, real ones and fake ones look almost the same. (Hell, I know a girl who you would never know that she received a new set unless you knew she was flat before meeting her. So, in my opinion, the only time you can EVER tell a fake one from a real one is when they’re exposed – and I don’t believe you are ever going to have the luxury of seeing her boobs “in the flesh.” Now, there are those who are going to say “Lee, I can easily feel the difference.” I agree, I have had the opportunity to touch one or two of those fakes. And, I must say, you are absolutely right: you can feel the difference. However, let me ask you something: tell me when you are going to have the opportunity to “feel” Stacy’s boobs? Never. So, in conclusion, I feel that a set of Cs on Stacy wouldn’t hurt a single person. SO there.

But, back to the issue: Jericho doesn’t want to issue an apology, but he will explain himself in the ring.

Jericho in the ring:

He acts all depressed for hitting Stacy in the noggin, but then he said that his depression has nothing to do with Stacy. Instead, he is concerned with his number one contender battle last week. He also apologizes for what last week, but Christian comes out and says that Jericho doesn’t need to apologize. He also tells the Chicago wrestling fans – me – to go to hell. He makes logical sense in saying that Stacy shouldn’t have been there. Jericho said that Test should be blamed, to which I also agree. Test is called a coward and then he calls us ass clowns. He also ribs at Test’s testicles, prompting Michaels to come out and further their feud. (I want it well known that the rotund woman without teeth holding the “I <heart> HBK” sign is not representative of all Chicago women.) Michaels rips on Jericho ’s wardrobe, then explains manhood to the younger Jericho . He also wanders down the ring, punches out Christian, then attacks Jericho . However, Christian returns and the two of them double team Michaels. However, Michaels rebounds and cleans house. They stare at each other…and it’s over.

A cut out of Trish:

Turns into Victoria beating up a Trish colored trash can while…

Trish tapes herself:

While Lawler makes a complete ass of himself but telling the puppies to be careful. Now, I ask you, why do I watch this shit?

Trish vs. Victoria in a Chicago Street Fight:

Victoria hits Trish from behind with a stick, but Trish rebounds and starts to choke out Vic. The two fight on the outside before Trish is thrown into a fan. Trish comes back but Victoria rebounds and goes for the cover. Okay, in ring fighting takes place until Trish dives under the ring for junk. Quick fast forward…Trash can lids in play almost gets Trish a count out. Okay, Trish dives out of the way from a fire extinguisher in the eyes, from Stevie, but it doesn’t go off. Instead, he fires it into Victoria’s  eyes, She falls down, prompting a cover, but Stevie breaks up the count. Trish grabs a kendo stick and beats up Stevie, but gets her head taken off by a kick to the head. She kicks out on two though – the crowd “Ohhh” – but gets bitch slapped around. She sets up for a Stratusfacton, but a Stevie save sends her outside and the cover by Victoria ends it. Then, she gets beat up again by Victoria and Stevie…but then it ends. But, then, Jazz – you remember that “Big Bitch” – pushes past Victoria and drill Trish in the face. Then, the double-arm chicken wing and a DDT ends Trish’s life. Then, Trish gets an STF and refuses to break the hold. The Chicago crowd hates her.

Dudley ’s vs. the Un-Americans in a championship table match:

Okay, um, fast forward – It’s getting late, but I’ll stop near the end. But, Dudley ’s take over in the beginning and just beat the hell out of Regal and Storm. All the high spots in a quick three minutes…including the announcement of the tables.  However, there’s no tables under the ring for the Dud’s to win. Morley walks out holding a table and the Dud’s come up to kick his ass. Then, two fat guys and a Rico come out to get them some. The Duds do fight back, but then get the “tables turned” so to speak. However, out comes Spike and he takes some fight out to the fat guys. Now, the last remaining table is set up and Devon is sent through it. Furthering the storyline is a good thing – and I liked it.

Raw went to Japan :

And no one cared.

The Horsemen in with Bisch:

H complains that Steiner is going to screw up another PPV and voices his problems. However, it turns weird when H decides he loves Dave and they run off together – or something. It was strange.

Two Kids:

From Tough Enough get a shot on the big show They’re nervous and Al Snow walks in for a little loving. Nowinski stalks them though.

RVD stretches:

And Kane watches him. They talk about the Rumble, and they are working together for the title belts. RVD also goes through all of his finishing moves compared to Kane who has one finisher. They are facing H and Dave tonight.

Replay of TE finals:

Two kids win, and you’ll see them wrestle.

Kid one vs. Kid two:

Fast forward until Nowinski runs out and interrupts them. Out comes Dreamer to get him some, but Nowinski runs away. Dreamer takes the microphone and tells the kids congrats on TE. He also pumps up the crowd before hitting them both in the head with the kendo stick.

Bisch to the ring:

He furthers this non-shocking storyline by showing the Confidential report about Austin, then by showing the new Raw magazine. He then pulls out the article by Austin regarding why he left. The crowd boos about the whole thing and feel a huge let down.

Creed Desire Video:

About Steve Austin….yea, he’s a bad ass. Fast forward again.

RVD and Kane vs. Dave and The GaHHHme:

Why the hell isn’t Steiner involved in this match? Will it show that Steiner can’t wrestle? By the way, I think I did miss a couple minutes of the show, but I can’t tell with all of the fast forwarding I’ve done. HEY!! Lilian is wearing pants!!! That  little hussie – she gets a HUGE spanking now!!!! (It’s my lucky day.) Dave and Kane start it off with Dave getting the better of the Retard, then Kane fights back with hard rights. A whip leads Kane into an elbow, then some rope work by Dave. A jumping clothesline puts Kane back on top, a blind tag and Kane dumps RVD on Dave. RVD hits the speed work, but Dave comes out with a Spear to take RVD down. H in and drives RVD down with some big kicks. Cheating then ensues, before RVD comes back with more speed. A high knee sends RVD down, and H says he’s tired again and tags to Dave. Dave with some high impact moves and vicious clotheslines but RVD continues to kick out. H tags back in and RVD slips out of a leg hold. He tags in Kane, and Kane a HOUSE O’ FIRE. He takes on all comers – and hits Dave with a second clothesline. Kane throws RVD in a five star, but RVD misses. Kane comes out of the ring and it’s a three on one attack. Dave takes off Kane’s mask!!! And Kane runs like a woman while RVD is fighting on his own. RVD with a five-star – but Dave catches RVD and spine busters him.  More power moves ends the threat by RVD, and the gang annihilation on RVD begins. But, out comes the Droid to scatter the ring. However, Jericho comes out and Steiner disposes of him. Then, it’s a four on one attack against Steiner. It’s the same as last week and I’m just waiting for it to end. Then, to add insult to injury, Dave power bombs him and his pants come off. And, that’s the end of WWE’s Monday Nitro featuring the NWO.

OVERALL:

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