by Lee Filas
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Ah, last week - the week from hell. Last week, I lost a close friend - Corey Rogalla – in a skiing accident on Saturday, then on Sunday night, I had to put my 6-month old kitten to sleep after she was attacked by a disease that we couldn’t stop. (On top of that, my future mother-in-law was diagnosed with a small brain tumor. However, since then, she has been released from the hospital and is doing well.) So, as you can understand, SCJ became an afterthought instead of a “let’s do it” sort of thing. As for the rest of the bad shit, we still miss the kitten but the other two – Thor and Zeus - are doing fine. And, Corey, was laid to rest last Friday in Minnesota . It’s a shame, but you know, time heals all wounds. I will never forget the kind of man he was – and he was one of the best people I have ever met.

But, enough of the bad…on with the good (which this show won’t be, I fear.):

But first, let’s open Lee’s big sack…

Wait, there wasn’t an SCJ last week, and I didn’t receive any mail the week before, so let’s just dive in.

Hennig memory:

Whoa…I hadn’t heard about this, I wasn’t able to read Rick's report Monday before the show. Hennig died? Well, fuck, that sucked. I always liked that bastard, even at the end of his career when he was a Heat performer without a life a head of him. It’s a shame.

Replay:

Vince threatens Bisch or he’s FIRED!! The clock is ticking, and Bisch has to deliver or else tonight. I just have a feeling that the payoff for this storyline is going to be less than perfect and leave me feeling – I don’t know – bored.

Pyro:

We come to live from L.A. on our way to No Way Out, and the talk of the evening is Bisch on the verge of losing his job.

Bisch out to talk:

Bisch looks sincere in expressing that he hasn’t spoken to Austin , and that McMahon is on his way to fire him. He also claims that he has done everything to contact Austin . He also asks the fans for support in that he has done a great job, but them yells at the fans, telling him that he requests their support. That goes over like a fart in church, so he wanders over to the announce table and bitches at Good Ole J.R. The overall here is that J.R. is fired by Bischoff because he hasn’t been able to get Austin signed. So, J.R. runs off to find Steve as his back up. God, this storyline is just bombing.

Limo enters the arena:

With a hot limo driver. Hmmm…I think I may have my new diva.

Limo pulls in and Bisch runs off to meet him:

The limo driver is smoking, sweet. Hmmm….anyway, the new Horsemen come out of the limo, harass Bisch a little, and then wanders off.

Test w/ Legs vs. Christian:

So, Jerry stumbles his way through the beginning of this thing, acting like he’s never done this before. Lilian, on the other hand, looks pregnant in that skirt. I mean, she’s still gorgeous, but that article of clothing seriously makes her look fat. Now, they show the replay of the beat down last week, before the match begins. Is it me or is this show – and this report – just not clicking on any cylinders today? Jesus, so far it’s been a major waste of time. Now, to add insult to injury, Coach comes out to give The King a broadcast partner. He talks about how he’s a raw virgin, and that JR is fired if he doesn’t produce Stone Cold. Test, in the meantime, goes for the boot on Christian, but misses, then drills him with the underhook power slam. The pin is all but an issue. Christian then comes back and hits Test with the unprettier, then he threatens Stacy. However – in what could be considered the end of the worst heel turn ever – Jeff Hardy ditches his bad self and saves Stacy from a Christian beat down. So much for Jeff being a bad guy, eh?

JR calling me:

Seems JR wants me to find Stone Cold and have Stone Cold call him. You know, I do have his number. I got it from Lexis Nexis…for that matter, I have Angle’s, Underbikers and the Rocks. You gotta love a system that’ll give you the phone numbers to anyone in the world. I recommend every writer in America signs on with that whole system. It’s great in case you ever need to get a hold of anyone for an interview.

Replay of Goldy’s death:

You know, how fucking stupid was Goldy’s death? They actually KILLED Goldy through an electrocution. Man, what’s next, they gonna have one of the Diva’s kill an old man because of the non-stop sex during a fake honeymoon? Oh, wait…

Booka vs. D’Lo with the ref:

Booka comes out to the ring and dedicates his match to Goldy…but he’s interrupted by the race card. Teddy tells Booka that having Goldy electrocuted was the best thing to happen to him, and that Booka should, in essence, be a brotha and team with D’Lo. Booka goes for the quick win, but D’Lo moves out of the way of a bike kick and takes over. After some quick offense by D’Lo, Booka hits the kick then gets the count. That’s followed by the Spinaroonie…and D’Lo bitches because he’s not white.

Morley and Bisch:

Enter Y2J and he bitches about his match at No Way Out, and Bisch tells him to leave him alone. Then, a match between Y2J and Hardy is signed for the main event. How nice.

Jazz the Big Bitch vs. Molly Holly:

I guess Molly is a face now, or maybe they’re both heels when Trish Stratus is involved. Okay – fast forward: They fight, but Jazz wins upon her return because of a storyline. Anyway, I need to call JR.

JR in back:

Yeah, JR, I can’t find him…why are you calling me Steve? It’s Lee, you bastard. Yea, well, fuck you too, dick. He hangs up while the Fink makes a surprise appearance. They talk, and I watch tonight’s episode slowly sink into the toilet. Man, this show just sucks.

RVD and Kane vs. Two Fat guys and a Rico:

What is the point of this match? Why the hell is RVD facing down the fat guys. This better lead to Kane and RVD facing off at No Way Out…or else there was no point in having them wrestle last week. I mean, aren’t we in the road to Wrestlemania right now? Isn’t this the time when the storylines start getting good, start making me want to like wrestling again? Isn’t this the time that every wrestling mark looks forward to? And, instead, we get a couple of fat guys facing off against the Dood and the retard. Oops, one fat guy fell too early from Kane’s boot. Anyway, after some ring chaos, RVD and Kane take the win. Then, the point to self, followed by the ring posts exploding marks an end.

JR still in the garage:

Enter Vinnie, and he wonders why JR is on the phone with me. He wanders over just in time for a commercial.

Vinnie to the ring:

Vinnie comes out and he doesn’t look pleased. He claims that he isn’t upset with the decision of firing Eric. Bischoff and Morley walk out, they look at each other rather upset, and finally wander down to the ring. Morley is cussed out first, and he is told that he will remain on the payroll if Morley wins his wrestling match tonight. It’ll be Morley vs. the entire town of Dudley-ville in the next match. Morley looks upset, but he agrees and leaves. Okay, then Vince turns his attention to Bischoff. Now, here’s where I get very confused: Doesn’t Vinnie hate SCSA? I mean, I thought that was the whole point as to why SCSA wasn’t invited to Raw X a bout three weeks ago. Now, why – why in the hell – would Vinnie want SCSA signed to a contract by Bischoff? It’s fucking ridiculous. I mean, I can’t believe that there are people in the back in charge of putting this horseshit on television saying “Man, this is a great storyline!!! We should be so proud of ourselves!” Vinnie threatens to fire Eric, but not before he says he hates the Rattlesnake. To save his ass, Eric gives an emotional speech, saying that he would do anything to save his job. I have a feeling that will come into play later. Then, Eric pulls out the wildcard by bringing out lesbians to perform for him. Man, the red head is pretty friggin' hot. Anyway, he offers them to Vinnie, but Vinnie declines the offer – showing us that he’s married or gay – and then he fires Eric Bischoff.

Vinnie in the back:

Storm and Regal catch up to him, and they kiss up. However, Vinnie tells them to stick around for the announcement of who the new GM is. Wait, didn’t he already announce that Shane would take over? I have a feeling that this storyline isn’t over.

All of Dudley-ville vs. Morley:

All right, no need to call this. Every hot spot is done as Morley gets his ass kicked. It end when Morley goes through a Dudley-dog, followed by a 3-D. Then Bubba puts Morley through a table.

Bisch glares at JR:

You can cut the tension with a knife. Bisch said nothing was personal, and JR tells him to go clean out his desk.

Dave vs. Tommy Dreamer:

Hey, did you notice Tommy’s face being on the opening credits? I was stunned to find him on the Raw credits – I would expect him to me more of a Heat credit opener. Anyway, Dreamer gets some cane shots in before he’s power slammed by Batista for the pin. The beating continues, but Booka comes out to try and make the save. This brings out the New Horsemen and Booka is eventually overpowered. This brings out the Roid Droid, who apparently is still bitching about the crappy match he had last week – he’s 2 – 0 on crappy matches. The horsemen run, and I’m bored.

Jeff Hardy is walking:

And he bumps into Shawn and smiles. They share the love I guess.

Legs is walking:

And she bumps into Test. She has a marketing campaign for him and this segment sets up something else into the very far future, I guess.

Bisch cleans out office:

And the Dudley ’s come in to harass him. It ends with them singing the “goodbye” song to him. The crowd joins in, and pretty soon, everyone enjoys Eric’s pain.

Y2J vs. Jeff Hardy:

This is the main event? Jesus…Anyway, I suppose I’ll call it like I should. Jericho takes the lead with a side headlock trying to keep Hardy grounded, but Hardy reverses an arm bar and locks one in for himself. Jericho reversal leads to a Hardy slap, but Jeff reacts by slapping Jericho in the face. Jericho off the ropes and Hardy tosses him into a back drop, then Hardy with a head scissors. A punch to Jericho , but Jericho counters with a quick clothesline. Jericho grabs a shirt and chokes out Hardy, then throws some slaps. Jericho tossed Hardy off the ropes, then throws hi out of the ring. Jericho stays in to play with the crowd – doing the Hogan thing – before he goes for the second rope drop kick. However, Jeff ducks and Jericho flips outside. Hardy onto the second rope, then does a complete flip and lands on Jericho on the floor. Jericho into the steps, while Coach calls Hardy a hell of a competitor. They also call him conflicted and confused. Hardy goes up for a swanton, but Jericho used Earl Hebner as a block, then pushes Hebner into the ropes. Hardy falls on his crotch. Jericho climbs the ropes and nails Hardy with a double under-hook supplex. Hardy kicks out on two. Jericho hits a back breaker, then the crowd roars while someone in the fifth row gets removed for being an asshole. Another backbreaker and Hardy is in pain. Jericho keeps wandering over to watch the crowd, showing that he’s bored with this program as well.  He comes back and throws Hardy into the rope. Hardy with a sunset flip for a quick two count, but Jericho reverses and tried for the walls of Jericho . Hardy counters and rolls Jericho into a small package. Kickout on two. Jericho back up, announcing he’s the king of the world, then chokes Hardy on the second rope. He then does the choker on Jeff, then flips him into a knee/choke submission hold. Hardy powers out, but is Irish whipped into the corner. Jericho goes for a spear, but is sent into the ring post when Jeff moves out of the way.  Right, right right then a clothesline. Hardy with a neck breaker, then a two count. Jericho ducks a clothes line, then hits a drop kick. Jericho slaps four times, then an Irish whip. Then another and Hardy climbs the ropes and a reverse moonsault. Hardy comes back with rights, but Jericho grabs Hebner and pulls him in to stop the punches. Jeff stops, but from underneath, Jericho grabs Hardy and puts him in the walls. Hardy gasps in pain, but pulls Jericho to the ropes breaking the hold. Hardy tries to backflip Jericho out, but he lands on the apron. Jericho with a right, climbs for a drop kick, but he’s caught and Jericho is arm dragged down off the top. Hardy takes off the shirt – the girls squeal – and he climbs the rope. The swanton hits on Jericho – they aren’t going to give this kid the win, no way – and Jericho puts his foot on the rope at the last second. Hardy continues the onslaught, until he rushes into a boot. Jericho goes for a head scissors takedown, but he’s caught and Jericho locks in the walls. Hardy taps and the match is over.

Vinnie in the back:

And he bumps into his former son in law as well as the new horsemen. Vinnie asks where they’re off too, and Mumbles loses his mind and dances – mumbling something about getting his groove on. Vinnie tells them that they should stick around because next week, Dave and HHH will face Booka and Steiner. Great….

Vinnie to the ring:

He’s ready to announce the new GM, but out comes JR. JR claims that he talked to Austin and that he is guaranteed to be at No Way Out. Then out comes Bischoff and he stands there all happy. JR then gets his job back. However, for Bisch…well, remember when Bisch said he would do anything to get his job back earlier in the program? It seems that Vinnie has plans for that to happen. Bisch is now slated to be the latest addition to the kiss my ass club. Vinnie drops trough and Bisch gets on his knees, but at the last second, Bisch backs off. (You know what is extremely ironic at this point? Vinnie passed up the chance with two hot lesbians earlier in the program, but has no problems dropping trough for another man in public. Hmmm….) Anyway, it’s deemed that Bisch will join another club soon, he will join the ass kicking club by facing Austin at No Way Out. This is the pay off? Jesus, what the hell are those bastards thinking in the back? God, this show sucked…

Overall:

Nothing on this show clicked at all. All the matches were just a waste – the Hardy vs. Y2J match was okay, but nothing spectacular – and there was just too much bullshit going on. And, the pay off for Austin was absolutely stupid.  And, seeing Vince’s ass – again - was just not something I ever wanted to see. I give this thing three stars – and I’m being generous.

E-MAIL LEE FILAS
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