by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Recently, some friends of mine have informed me that I am not cynical enough to be an Internet recapper; that I need to be bitter about the product to be effective. So, in response, here is my WWE recap, cynical smark style:

"Stone Cold is old and stale. The Rock needs to either be in Hollywood or in the WWE. Benoit! Brock Lesnar is too green to headline Wrestlemania. Eddie Guererro should be in the world title hunt. BenOit! Why doesn't Brian Kendrick have the cruiserweight strap yet? 83/\/01+! Kurt Angle is Faking! Shane Helms should be pinning HHH for the title! All matches on Raw and Smackdown suck because they are meaningless before the political power of HHH, yet I'm still going to give them 2-4 stars. Undertaker is old and tired, he should pass the torch. Benoit!! RVD smokes pot! Vince needs to get off my TV and take The Orange Goblin with him! Oh yeah, one last thing: BENOIT!!!!!"

Nahh, doesn't really work for me, I think I'll stick to my normal deal.

THIS JUST IN FROM THE WPF (World Political Federation): Bush has given Saddam and his sons 48 hours to leave Iraq or they will meet in a STEEL CAGE! Yeah, Let's see how that one works out; I bet Saddam 'loses his smile' rather than job Iraq straight out.

15 minutes out: From the Sold out St. Louis Center: Bischoff and Stone Cold will meet in the ring, But this will be no ordinary match up, and when King and Eric discussed it earlier, Eric was smiling! What shenanigans are afoot? Stay tuned! (Or simply keep reading).

Star trek: The Guy playing Wyatt on tonight’s episode bears an uncanny resemblance to Brian Kendrick...

Gimme Moore Bond promo. Funniest part about that one scene where he tells the two Japanese girls to stand aside: they then proceeded to kick more ass then Roger did in any of his 7 Bond Movies.

Before the WWE Leader: "Tonight’s episode is dedicated to the men and women of the Armed Forces of the United States of America"

We come to the arena. Eric is in the middle of the ring, darkened stands, and spotlight just on him. He informs us that tonight, he will be facing Stone Cold. But no, this won't be any ordinary match. Nope, this will be a lumberjack Match! And the lumberjacks in question will be EVERY member of the Raw roster, and anyone who refuses to do this job, they will be fired!

Move to the Music, Big Pyro, and Tonight, the Crowd is stoked in St. Louis! A quick graphic for the Lumberjack match, and RVD and Kane jumping us out of the gates! JR tells us that they are the hottest Tag Team in all the WWE. Too bad they don't have anything to do at Wrestlemania. Their opponents: Chief Morley and Lance Storm. Chief tells us that since Regal is still injured, he won’t be joining us tonight. He then tells us that it's an honor to team with Lance Storm. He also tells us that if the Dudley’s interfere with this match in any way, there will be Hell Toupee.

Kane and Chief start. Punches exchanged, Kane doesn't feel pain, so you can guess who gets the better of that exchange. Chief hoisted like a sack of potatoes, Tag to Rob, power slam, RVD off the top rope with a leg drop. Quick reverse heel kick leads to a modified Rolling Thunder, Pin gets two. Chief gets away, and Lance is tagged in. A little flippy floppy action, and Chief interference leads to Lance getting a SPIKE DDT on RVD. Chief tagged back in and he takes control. Spine buster leads to an arm bar stretch. RVD powers out, kicks out, and tags Kane who is a BALL O FAR! Lance tagged in, but that doesn't matter, as they are all pins to be knocked down. Kane Flies! Falls victim to a Double DDT. RVD flies in with a flying kick for Lance, spinning heel for Chief. Kane grabs Lance, Choke slam, 1-2-3! BUT THEY AREN'T DONE YET! Kane sets the Chief up for the 5***** Frog splash, but Chief rolls out. As Chief backs away, The crowd goes nuts, as the Dudley’s are out to escort The Chief back to the ring to get his just comeuppance. D-Von gets the table as Bubba helps Kane in the beat down in the corner. Table set up, RVD is in to cheer everyone on, but D-Von clocks him! RVD grabbed by the hair and thrown out the ring to take a SICK full back bump on the floor. Kane turns his attention from Chief only to walk into a 3-D through the table. The Duds stand over the Chief for a second, wave him off and then leave. The Chief is perplexed at first, then is all smiles once he realizes that the Duds are on his side now.

Promo for Smackdown at the Scope in Norfolk. I am so stoked for this! I will get a "Who Beat Debra?" sign on TV, just you wait!

Moments ago, the Duds did something not nice.

Right now, turns out, Chief called the Duds this weekend and said that if they played ball, then they could play ball. They aren't happy about it, but they are going along so that they can work to feed their families. Chief officially reinstates them, informs them that they will report to him from here on out, and to stick around for the Lumberjack match.

But enough about that, HHH is in the Hizzouse! He hates to be right, but he was right about Booker not having what it takes to be a world Champion. You see, a world champion doesn't attack people from behind *snerk*, and calls him out to settle this face to face. But instead, he gets Goldust! Goldust is impressed with HHH's performance. 4 sentences, and no twitches. Oop, it comes into effect just in time to make a silly 'Cock' joke. He tries to force out the point that HHH is really worried deep down in the cock-cock-cockles of his heart, and you can't judge a book by it's cover, but his stutterances leave HHH in stitches. HHH recovers himself, and tells Goldust to continue. Goldust tries, but HHH makes fun of his speech impediment, and eats a right hand! Right for Ric, another for HHH, another for Ric, another for HHH, but Ric grabs a hold of Goldies leg, and HHH takes over. Beat down follows, and HHH has Goldie set up for the Pedigree, but Booker is out and he's ready to clean house! He takes out HHH and Ric, Goldie Clotheslines HHH out of the ring, HHH drags Ric out after him and the Faces stand triumphant!

This week on confidential: the history of Wrestlemania!

Ooo, it's the starburst commercial with the girl doing the cherry stem trick with the Starburst wrapper. God I want some Starburst right now....

Trailer for the Core: Ok, cutting out the Space Shuttle footage was understandable, but the Geeks requests changed from Star Trek tapes to Sponge Bob tapes? That is not only lame, but also inaccurate: everyone knows that any self-respecting geek prefers Invader Zim!

Later tonight, it's going to be a Women’s Tag Match.

Backstage: HHH is lightly annoyed. He tells Ric to go and set up a Goldust match for later tonight.

Out to the ring now, Maven is out for some action against Rico (W/ 3 minute Warning). Rico starts with a takedown, Maven answers with a kick to the gut, float over into a chancery, which Rico reverses into a standing headlock. Rico is shoved off, eats an elbow, and controls Rico with an arm Bar (drawing a "Shit!" from Rico) and IT'S MATCH INTERRUPTION TIME WITH THE ROCK! HE’S HERE!  Anyway, back to the match, and some 3MW interference gives Rico the advantage. Martial arts kick gives Rico a pin, kicked out at 2. Working Maven over on the ropes. Vicious kick to the rope Maven is resting on sends him flying. Pin gets 2. Rico slams him down, does a neck breaker pirouette, then locks in the head vice, but maven comes back, only to fall prey to a reverse neck breaker. Maven down, Rico does for the elbow, but Maven moves! Maven kicks at Ricos arm, couple knockdowns, Maven up to the top rope, flying bulldog! Maven goes for the dropkick, but 3MW keep him from danger and Maven flies through the air and lands hard. Rico goes for another reverse neck breaker, Maven surprises him with an arm lock backslide for the pin! 3MW storm the ring, but Maven is too quick for you!

Backstage, Terri is at Stone Colds door, and she hopes to get a word, but Shawn Michaels beats her to it and rudely walks in without knocking.

Back from Commercial, HBK and Stone Cold stand face to face, and Stone Cold asks HBK to explain himself. HBK goes on to explain that he will be a lumberjack for tonight’s match, and they banter on the varying implications being as such, touching on Jericho and Rocks involvement. Stone Cold reiterates his stance that he's fearless.

Elsewhere, Teddy Long finds the Rock and has bad news for the Rock. The bad news: Hurricane is on this month’s cover of the Raw Magazine. Teddy pushes buttons on the Rock, and informs him that Rodney Mack will be taking care of the Hurricane. Rodney comes out to reiterate this (and show us why he has Teddy talking for him), and Rock says, "You'll take care of the Hurricane, huh? We'll see about that."

Our Wrestlemania Memory: Andre the Giant making History as he slams Big John Studd and throws money to the masses.

Back to the present day, and the Hurricane is out to take on Rodney Mack. Quick recap of last weeks Hurricane victory over the Rock.

Hurricane grabs a quick rollup but only gets 2. Shoulderblocks are laughed off by Rodney. Whips off the ropes and a flying clothesline from Hurricane finally take Rodney down. Teddy distracts Hurricane tho, and Rodney takes over. Rodney up to the second rope, flying shoulder block. Power slam, cover, gets 2. Rod charges H in the corner, but H moves, and Rod eats Turnbuckle. Tilt a whirl reversed into a leg scissors. Shining Wizard! Hurricane up top, Flying cross body. Rod kicks out. Hurricane hits a dropkick and signals for the choke slam. Rock runs out at this point. His offense is momentarily stayed by a flurry of Hurricane rights, but Rock sneaks in a DDT, then throws Hurricane over the top rope. Rod tries to go after; Rock stops that noise with a finger to his face. Rock out, picks up hurricane and crotches him on the guardrail. He then goes and fetches a chair and lays in with the shots. After 6 or 7 of them, he finally lays off and we go to commercial.

Big Show stacker 2 commercial. Hehe, he went after the bull at the rodeo. Big Show is pretty damn funny when they let him be.

Back, and it's official and it's Trish vs. Jazz vs. Victoria at Wrestlemania for the title.

And that can only lead to Trish (W/ Mad TV recap. Heh, she touched that other girls boob. Get her on GGW right now!) and Jazz vs. Steven Richards and Victoria (with footage of Victollum calling her title belt her Precious. "It's mine, no one can have it!") Vickie and Jazz start. Circle, lockup. They wrestle around for a second, and Vickie screams that she's not scared of Jazz and slaps her. Jazz returns the favor, but falls prey to a Vickie power bomb. Jazz into the corner, Vickie with the shoulders. Jazz kicks her way out, then whips Vickie to the opposite. Dropkick knocks her down. Jazz dominates for a bit. Jazz stops and proclaims she’s the best. Trish offers her hand, Jazz tags her in, WITH AUTHORITY! Trish in, taking Vickie down with a series of clotheslines and dropkicks. Pin attempt gets 2. Vickie into the corner, Trish with the knife-edges. Vickie comes back, Trish hotshotted onto the canvas, almost breaking her nose! Steven runs in. Steven wants to go up top. Vickie holds, but Trish reverses and shoves her into his crotch. Steven down, but Vickie takes over. Tries a slingshot swanton, but Trish moves. Vickie tags Steven in, Trish set up in the corner. Steven goes for a broncobuster, but Trish moves and he receives damage to the family jewels for the second time tonight. Trish gets away, and goes for the tag, but Jazz pulls away and leaves her to the wolves. Steven grabs her for a quick power bomb, tags Vickie in. Vickie with the Widows Peak, and that's it. Steven back in and they continue the beat down. Vickie in with a steel chair, and Steven sets up to deliver a Steven T on it, but Jeff Hardy is out to make the save. Vickie sent running, Steven eats a flying clothesline, then a leg drop to the jewels (Damn, Steven is going to need a SERIOUS icepack tonight). Vickie set up for the swanton, but Steven pulls her out. Jeff down to talk a bit of quick smack, then he's over to check on Trish. He picks her up, makes sure she's all right, then kisses her! Right on the lips! Leaving green shit all over her face! WHOA! The Rumors aren't true! Shot up the ramp, Steven and Vickie can't believe what they see. Jeff departs; he can't believe what he just did. Shot of Trish, she is wondering what just happened. Up later, HHH takes on Goldust!

The lugs boot of the week is HBK's Sweet Chin Music on Jericho last week.

Back with JR and King, and the hype for Wrestlemania is in full force. We cut to HBK's view of Wrestlemania, complete with compiled history of his participation in said event.

After, we join Chris Jericho live, and His opinion of it. It was powerful stuff, and inspiring. His dream was to wear the title at Wrestlemania, and he did it. He dreamed of being HBK in Wrestlemania, but this year, the Dream ends, and he'll end HBK's legacy forever. Christian comes up to inform him that their tag match against Test is next. Chris asks who his partner is. Christian: "Does it matter?" Chris *somberly* "No, it doesn't."

We're back, and Test and Stacy are all smiles again. Stacy has just spoken to his tag partner, and everything is cool. Test needs some time alone, and as Stacy walks away, he pulls out the Torrie issue of Playboy. "God Bless Hugh Hefner!" Truer words, my friend. Truer words.

Out to the arena, and Jericho and Christian are out. Test joins the fun, and his secret Tag Team partner is.... Scott Steiner! Sorry Rick, no repeat performance from last week, looks like we'll actually have to watch him stink up the ring. They charge the ring, and Test is all over Jericho. Laying in the right hands, a couple elbow knockdowns, and one for Christian to grow on. Test continues. Jericho gets a quick shot that allows him to get away and he dives for the tag for Christian. He gets run over as well. Test tags Steiner in, and he proceeds to murder him. Ramming him into the corners, kiss the bicep elbow drop, intimidating pushups. He tags Test back in, and Christian gets a cheap shot to take control. Chris tagged in, and he hits a few knockdowns, Christian tagged back in, but he eats a shoulder. Tag to Steiner, and more of the same from him. 3 reps on the gorilla press slam for Christian. Grabbing Jericho, the do-si-do for a second then hits the belly to belly. Steiner grabs Christian, but Christian grabs the ref and Jericho sneaks in the golota. Chris tagged in officially, and he works over Steiner. Steiner busts out a Steinerliner, and tag to Test and he's a BALL O FAR! Test goes for the power bomb, but Jericho flips out, and Christian chop blocks, and Jericho locks in the Walls. Christian tries to keep Steiner occupied, but gets back body dropped out. Steiner grabs Jericho and hotshots him. Test goes for the Pump handle, Jericho slips out with Christians help. Test knocks Christian out. Test grabs Chris again, this time the pump handle hits. Cover, Christian pulls Test off. Test chases Christian off. Test goes back to work on Jericho, cover, Christian interrupts again. Steiner throws him out, so Christian goes after Stacy. Steiner follows and catches her when Christian throws her off. They share a moment while Test gives Chris the big boot. Test notices Steiner and Stacy being friendly and takes umbrage, which allows Jericho to sneak in a rollup and the pin. Heels scatter, and Test and Stacy argue in the ring.

Up next, it's HHH vs. Goldust!

After a short commercial break, we get HHH out with an entrance that lasts longer. I'm serious here, the commercials were about 90 seconds, and his entrance takes 2 minutes. Of course, I'm all for it if it'll prevent the trailer for The Core getting played one more time. We take a few seconds to go to earlier tonight and review the incident that set this match up.

Goldust out (no robe or wig). They lock up. JR fucks up and calls Safeco field Enron field. Goldust shoves HHH off. HHH doesn't like that, tries to get in his face, and walks right into a right hand. Series of right jabs take HHH down. More rights, Butt Butt, but HHH goes after the injured left arm. Goldust tries to come back, but HHH is on him now. He takes him post to post with the shoulder ramming. He takes Goldust down and wrist locks the bad arm. Goldust back up with some rights, but HHH hitting the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER! stops that flurry. HHH takes a second to taunt Booker at ringside. GD with a couple shots to the belly, but HHH throws him into the corner. Pedigree set up, but Goldust pulls his legs out, rolls over, cover gets two. Goldust psyched up, throwing the rights, clothesline, more rights, taking HHH down. Cover gets 2. Goldust goes for the whip again, but HHH is ready for him and throws him out. Ric goes for the pickings, but is met by Booker. After a couple seconds of this, a random fan takes a crutch to Bookers head. But that's no random fan, that’s Randy Orton! Security drags him off. Goldust back in, 10 punch count along, accenting the last one with a scream to the face. Ric up on the apron, and Goldust goes after him, knocking him down. He turns around into a high knee, tho. Pedigree, 1-2-3. Heels celebrate; Booker and Goldust lay broken in the ring.

Wrestlemania promo: Fred Durst won't just appear on regular TV. Oh no, it has to be something special, something he has lots of feelings for. That's why he chose Wrestlemania. Oh, and the 5 figure appearance fee probably isn't hurting his decision at all either. Wow, this will be 3 Wrestlemania's in a row that Limp Bizkit has had a featured song ('Takers entrance at WM 17, themes for last years and this years.) Nothing will EVER beat Moterhead live at WM 17, tho. That was the Steamboat/Flair of Musical appearances.

As we return, Rock serenades Eric about his beat down of the Hurricane earlier. They chuckle, Eric tries to touch the guitar, but Rock says no, it's his special guitar, signed by the man, Willie Nelson. Rock proposes an idea for Eric: a Rock Concert! The Rock, singing live for all his fans. Eric says tonight? Rock says Hell no! He's not gonna sing for St Louis. He's going to sing next week in Sacramento, seeing as Sacramento has SO much more music tradition than St Louis.

They discuss the strategy of the lumberjack match later. Eric is having second thoughts about the match, Rock suggests making it no disqualification instead, and the Rock will whip Stone Cold's ass for him. Eric is still hesitant, but the Rock reassures him with a quick serenade about how he'll kick Stone Colds ass.

We run down the card for Wrestlemania. A bunch of guys will take on a bunch of other guys.

And Backstage, Stone Cold is Walking! And we go to commercial at 10:57. I have the sneaking suspicion this one won't last long.

Big Show at the Rodeo. Comedy gold, I tell you!

Back to the show: Glass Shatters, and Stone Cold is out for his first Raw match in a year! 4-corner pose accompanies the Wrestlemania press conference hype. And here comes Eric (W/ Chief Morley) Bell rings, and Eric spends no time getting out. Stone Cold waits patiently, then finally goes after Eric. The chase is on, and the chief stands in his way. Stone Cold takes him out and lays some boots in. He returns his attention to Eric, finally catching him as he tries to escape beneath the ring. Eric thrown back in the ring boots and punches laid in. Austin grabs him into a Boston Crab. He lets it go in favor of taking the cheap shot, but doesn't see the Chief jumping in. Low blow for Austin, and its Austin's turn to eat boots. Eric works Austin over in the corner, Chief tries to get involved again, ref pulls them apart. This gives Austin the opening he needs: KICK, WHAM, STUNNER! Chief tries to run in, Austin shows him the other side of the ring and out. Austin talking trash while the rock jumps in the ring. Austin turns and walks right into the Rocks version of KICK, WHAM, STUNNER! Rock bails, and Eric covers. 1! 2! NO!! Austin Kicks out! Rock is incredulous and runs back into the ring to deliver a DDT. Peoples elbow misses! Rock rolls out, another Stunner for Eric, another for Morley. Stone Cold covers. 1-2-3! Stone Cold up to celebrate. In the midst of his celebration, tho, Rock back in, flips him the bird, and as he turns, ROCK BOTTOM! Rock calls for a beer, and heads up the ramp, popping it open and sipping on it in mock of Austin. Austin back up, and we fade out with their gaze locked.

Another fine effort from Raw tonight. All the stories are being told excellently, with real drama being built up for most of them. RVD and Kane became victims to the Dudley’s anti-heel turn, and they may have just found a spot in Wrestlemania. Depending on how bad Regal is concussed; this may be Raw's representative tag match. Maven vs. Rico was harmless filler, but still entertaining, with Maven finally showing flashes of personality in the ring. Booker didn't say a word tonight, but he and Goldust solidified him as a true contender for the title tonight. Rock got his revenge on Hurricane, further cementing his heel status. Trish, Victoria, and Jazz stepped up their feud with a nice heel move by Jazz. Also, Trish has the new complication of Jeff in her life as a new amour. Jericho’s promo was intense gold, and his slow burning feud with Test just keeps on trucking. Steiner was used minimally, which seems to be the trend. Almost a shame, considering how much hype they put into his return. And this makes the second week in a row that they have bailed out on Main Event plans, yet it was still entertaining. Stone Cold vs. Bischoff tonight was about 10 times more entertaining than it was at NWO, mainly because of the involvement of Rock and the No DQ stip. This all leads to Stone Cold vs. Rock being a great contest once again at Wrestlemania. 13 days to go and so far, no reasons not to see Wrestlemania.

BTW, Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everyone!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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