by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

So, how about that Academy Awards ceremony last night?  I was pretty impressed with just about everything, with the exception of Michael Moore's little blow up. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Fortunately, Steve Martin was there to make the save, and Adrian Brody showed about 100 times more class than Michael did. Oh, and the anime geek in me did back flips when Miyazaki's "Spirited Away" won for Best Animated Feature.

Anyway, enough of that, now on to the Wrasslin!

WWE leader, Howard Finkle is in the ring to Introduce Lillian Garcia singing the National Anthem. Lillian looks resplendent in a white dress with the American flag across the chest. Remember when everyone hated that she was the new Raw announcer? A loud "U-S-A" chant leads us to "Theme from Raw," Pyro, and we are live from Sacramento, CA. JR and King go over the matches and events going on later, and once that's done, Stone Cold Steve Austin is out to yak our little ears off. 4-corner pose, and he has a few words with Charles Robinson, who apparently was expecting someone else. He snatches the Mic from Lillian. "What? There's a match? You know what I have to say about that? There you go!" he flips Charles off, and informs us that Rock is on his shit list and he's not going anywhere until Rock comes out and they settle this tonight. Test, on the other hand, has a different Idea about what's going to happen, and he makes his entrance. He grabs a mic. He doesn't mean any offense, but he's got a match. He just wants to kick a little ass too. Stone Cold doesn't care and it’s KICK! WHAM! STUNNER! He bails out, takes a seat at ringside, and lets us all know that he’s just going to sit right there until Rock comes out. Lance Storm is out to try and get a quick pin fall on Test. Lance yells at Charles to get in and count. Stone Cold takes Charles’ place and fakes Lance out and counts two. When Lance looks to see what happened to 3, Steve is there with a finger in the face, and a KICK! WHAM! STUNNER! for Lance. No sooner has Stone Cold taken his seat at ringside then Eric is out (W/ Goldberg’s Security!) to inform Steve that he's got a restraining order for him, and that it means that Steve can't be in the building tonight. The cops go down to escort Steve out, which he hesitantly does. At the top of the ramp, he goes face to face with Eric. Eric reminds him that if he touches him, he's arrested. Steve walks right by. Eric tells the audience that they have him to thank for removing Steve's disruptive influence, and proceeds to shill The Rocks concert later tonight. While we do this, we get backstage cam of Stone Cold being escorted out. Just before they reach the door, a Guitar twang sounds out. The Rock is there, and he starts up with a rendition of Jailhouse Rock, Each line bringing Stone Cold a step closer. The Cops get Stone Cold to follow the letter of the law, and he makes his exit while Rock continues to croon. After the door slams, Rock grins to himself, pronounces that they are going to party tonight, and the crowd goes nuts before realizing "Oh wait, we don't like him" and starts to boo.

Commercials.

We return from the Miller Lite catfight girls to Trish Stratus out to do some real wrasslin! We recap Jeff Hardy's rescue and subsequent kiss from last week, and here comes Jeff Hardy. Their opponents are Steven and Vickie. Steven and Jeff start. Steve lays in, a few punches, snap mare, but Jeff kicks him off, and hits a few punches and kicks of his own. Steven comes back with the knife-edges, but Jeff whips him into the corner, and then hits a sick suspended drop kick right to Stevens mush. Steven scrambles to tag Vickie, and she's in Jeff’s face. Jeff goes and tags Trish in, and she's a Ball O' Far! Trish all over Vickie. Vickie scores a knockdown, tho, and goes up top. Trish hits the Trisharana, sending Vickie flying. Goading her up, Trish hits the glass jaw kick. Cover, gets 2. Trish drags her to her feet, but Steven interferes, allowing Vickie to come back with some offense. Jeff goes and occupies Stevens’s time while Vickie tries to whip her off the ropes, but Trish grabs for the Stratusfaction and 1-2-3. The head out, talk some trash, and up the ramp. At the top of the ramp, they try sharing a tender moment, but that's interrupted by Jazz shoving Trish down and jumping on her. Jeff tries to help, but Steven is all over him as well. They brawl to commercial.

We return to Eric patting himself on the back while talking to CRZ on the phone. Coach runs in, but is brushed aside. He interrupts Eric again, and says that there is an issue with Security that needs his immediate attention. He frustratedly decides to go with. We cut to Goldust flipping through the Torrie issue of Playboy (and seeing out dog eared it is, it's probably the same one Test was looking at last week.) Booker sneaks up on him, startling him, and he goes into the "I'm proud of you and proud to be your partner" speech, this time stuttering through it rather comically (or cringe worthy, take your pick). He calls HHH a "Dick-dick-dick-dick-dictator!" Booker questions whether Goldie is right for the match, but Goldie assures him he's ok.

We cut to Coach leading Eric to the security station, and we see Stone Cold waiting outside. Eric tells Coach to tell Stone Cold to beat it or his life will be made hell. Coach, "No way, man. He looks mad!" Eric gives him a choice: either deliver his message, or be fired. Coach weighs these decisions, and walks into a fadeout for commercial to deliver the message.

Back, and Stone Cold is waiting patiently by his truck in the sunny California afternoon.

Back in the arena, and Scott Steiner is out for a match. Man that crowd is tepid. Christian is out to take him on, and the crowd is only slightly more enthusiastic for him in their boos. Christian goes to pose. Bell rings, circle, lockup, and Steiner powers Christian out of the ring through the ropes. Christian stalls for a sec outside the ring. They go for lockup, and Christian chains into a side headlock. Steiner shoves him off and shoulder blocks him down on the rebound. Kiss That Bicep, elbow drop, Gorilla press slam. Christian in the corner, Knife-edge chops applied. Steiner goes for the big power slam, but Christian reverses into a reverse DDT. Christian covers, Steiner kicks out, springing Christian halfway across the ring. Christian with the offense, clubbing Scott down. Christian showboats a little too much, tho, and Scott comes back with a belly-to-belly overhead. Another suplex, and he goes for the pin. Only gets 2, tho. Christian comes back for a second and goes to the top rope. Scott is up to stop that. He grabs him for the super fall away. 1-2-3, and that's it. He has a mic: "This goes out to all my freaks out there! Big Poppa Pump is your hookup! Holla if you hear me!"

Outside, Stone Cold still waits. Coach arrives to deliver the message. Steve blows him off, not even responding. Coach nervously backs off, and we go to commercial with Steve still waiting.

Our Wrestlemania moment of the night is HBK winning the title from Bret back in 1996.

Terri has the ear of Chief and Lance Storm. Since Regal has been injured for so long, and they haven’t defended the tag titles in 30 days, then they are subsequently stripped of the titles. BUT! Using his executive privilege, he hereby names himself and Lance the NEW Tag Team Champions. Lance wants to take a moment to be serious, and wish his partner a speedy recovery. He is interrupted by the arrival of RVD/Kane. They decide to use logic and state that since Kane and RVD beat them last week, they should have a shot at Wrestlemania. Chief waffles and states that they have only been champions for a minute or so, and they haven’t prepared for a match like this, blah blah blah. RVD pulls his punk card and says that he doesn't have any b*beeep*ls. Chief responds, "We don't have any Balls*beep*?" He begs the contrary, and says that there is a more deserving team, that team being the Dudley’s. Kane and RVD say that's great, that they will face the Dudley's tonight to see who gets the shot at WM. Chief sets up the match. As they walk off, Kane claps Lance on the back, causing him to double over.

Elsewhere, HHH and Naitch are walking, getting ready for their match. They walk right into a commercial...

Back, and Stone Cold is STILL waiting. I at least would have gone for a Star Jr.  or something by now.

Out in the arena, its Time to play the Game! HHH and Ric Flair are out to take on Booker T and Goldust. I wonder if Batista will interfere this week. Whoa, Ric actually got his own entrance! Oh, this Wednesday night, Vince McMahon will be on the Late Late show with Craig Kilborn. Be There!

Goldust gets his own entrance. Boy, they must have a lot of time to kill tonight. Finally Booker joins us, and together, Black Gold chase off Evolution. HHH and Naitch share some strategy outside the ring. Ric gets in the ring, and Goldie opts to start with him. They circle; Ric takes a second to strut. Goldie mocks him, and they lockup. Forced in the corner, the ref forces them to split. Ric gives Goldie a, "Woo!” Goldie slaps him and goes to town. Big back body drop, and Ric runs to the corner. Goldie draws him out, but Ric with the Greco Roman eyepoke, and he tags HHH. HHH in trying to get a hold on, but Goldie gets away, and tags Booker in. They stare down while the crowd chants “Booker T.” Lockup, Booker whipped off the ropes, HHH gets a back body drop. Booker back up, lock up, Booker gets a hip toss. Back up, Booker with the knife-edges, whipping HHH off the ropes, HHH kicks a bent Booker. Tag to Ric, and Ric in with the knife-edges. Booker grabs him and reverses out, lays in with a few of his own, sidewalk slam, cover, kick out after 2. Booker goes to pick Ric up, gets a poke in the eye. Tag to HHH, and he's in to methodically take Booker apart. HHH working on the knee. Booker tossed, Ric down to lay in with the cheap shots, but Goldie chases him off. Goldie is helping Booker to his feet, and they break for commercial.

Back live, and Ric has the figure-four locked in on Booker. Booker’s shoulders go down, but he kicks out. Ric wrenches the hold, but Booker is able to reverse. Ric breaks the hold, and tries for a Knife-edge, Booker answers, and tags to Goldust. He's all over Flair, but he has an attack of the twitches, which allows HHH to tag in and the double team is on. They are all over him for a second, but Goldie busts out a Double clothesline. Ric bails, and Goldie tries for a flying body press, but HHH drops and Goldie’s momentum sends him flying out. Ric drags Goldie up, and holds him for HHH, who rams him into the ring post. HHH back in, Goldie back in, but HHH has the refs attention which allows Ric to deliver the big uppernut. Ric tagged in, and he works Goldie over for a bit, Tag to HHH, and he gets Goldie into the corner for the GREENWICH VIOLENCE! Goldie comes back, but HHH stops that. Tag to Ric, Ric with the Knife Edges. Goldie comes back again; HHH grabs the ref’s attention as Goldie makes the tag. Ref didn't see it, tho, so Booker has to go back out. Ric and HHH with some double teaming, but Goldie gets away and tags Booker in for real. Booker all over Ric and HHH. HHH thrown out. Ric thrown for a flair flip. Booker out after HHH, busting his head open on the ring steps. HHH rolled in, and Booker in control. Outside, Goldie and Ric keep themselves busy. Ric tries to interfere, eats a kick to the stomach, Axe kick, cover, but Ric isn't legal. Booker goes after HHH, but HHH gets a knee to the gut. Sets him up for the Pedigree, But Booker pulls his legs out, and slingshots him into the turnbuckle. Booker bounces back with an axe kick, cover, Goldie keeps Ric from interfering, 1-2-3! Booker has the last pin fall victory over HHH going into Wrestlemania.

Booker Celebrates with the crowd while HHH ponders his mortality and bleeds in the ring.

Up later tonight, special bonus footage of McMahon/Hogan contract signing. Oh. Goody.

Back from Commercials, Ric calls Bookers pin a fluke while HHH ponders the title. Ric pumps HHH up, calling him the man, the best. HHH, "Obviously, nobody told Booker T that."

Out to the ring, and Chris Jericho is out for a promo in the Checkered pants. He has a mic.

Everyone’s been talking about 'the match' HBK vs. Jericho. A lot's happened since Shawn kicked Jericho in the face for the first time back in December. He calls HBK out, to talk and get something off his chest. HBK comes out with a shirt that looks suspiciously like it has a bible on it. Yup, there it is. HBK in the ring, and they wait for the "HBK!" chant to die down. Chris goes over his thoughts about HBK. He tells him how much he wanted to be Shawn Michaels, and shows video clips comparing the two of them in their earlier years, how he mimicked the look, mimicked the style, mimicked the moves. He tells us of how everyone was saying that he was going to be the next Shawn Michaels. But along the way, Chris let that goal go by the wayside, and began concentrating on being the best he could be, and he eventually became better then HBK. When HBK had to leave the WWF, Jericho stepped up. He became the one all these people came to see every night (it's true!) The Show Stoppa was forgotten, and Jericho became the Highlight of the Night! Jericho tells HBK that he's going to prove it at Wrestlemania. He's going to prove it by beating HBK, and forcing him to admit that Jericho is better than him. He tells HBK to look at him, and then slaps him! HBK takes it, begins laughing, and then returns the favor. Jericho takes it as well, and they are both face to face, laughing at each other as we fade to commercial.

We're back, and Eric is on the cel phone telling CRZ to keep an eye on Stone Cold outside. Come on, Eric, can’t you let him enjoy the show? Rock barges in and he's got an Idea! Eric is wary, seeing as how every time Rock has an Idea, Eric gets his ass kicked. Rock says that the reason Stone Cold is here is because he wants to hear the Rock Concert. So he tells Eric to set up some speakers outside so that Stone Cold can hear every note of The Rock's concert. Eric agrees, and Rock is pumped!

JR and King run down the card for WM:

• HHH vs. Booker T
• Undertaker/Nathan Jones vs. A-Train/Big Show
• Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho
• Matt Hardy Vs Rey Mysterio
• Trish vs. Jazz vs. Victoria
• Benoit/Rhyno vs. Los Guererros vs. Team Angle
• Brock vs. Kurt Angle
• Mr. McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan
• The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin

We finish the Hype, and it's Kane and RVD making their way to the ring, and then the Dudley’s getting ready to decide the final match at Wrestlemania.

We're back, and it's pseudo main event time! RVD and Kane are out, and everyone gets their own entrance again. We cover last week’s shenanigans with the Duds, Chief, Kane and RVD. Oop, Kane calls the match by setting off the ringposts. Or does he? We Drop the Bombshell and the Dud's are out!

Everyone in each other face, the bell rings, and everyone GETS ROWDY! Ref eventually clears the extraneous wrestlers out, and Bubba and Kane start. Bubba dominates to start. Belly to back suplex, tag to D-Von, he hits a flying clothesline and cover gets 2. Kane up, grabbing D-Von, tag to RVD, Kane slams D-Von, RVD slingshots a leg drop in. RVD dominating D-Von, goes for flying kick, misses, hits the spin kick. Rolling Thunder, Pin gets 2. D-Von comes back, tag to Bubba. Series of elbows and a cover gets 2. Bubba locks in the head vice, RVD powers up, but gets yanked back down by the hair. Bubba grabs RVD's foot, RVD with the step over heel kick. Double tag, and Kane all over D-Von and Bubba. Kane with the bodyslam for D-Von, big boot for Bubba. Kane up for the flying clothesline, misses. Bubba takes RVD out. RVD back up on the ring, tags in, and gets taken down by Bubba. Off the ropes, Bubba hits a hip toss into a brain buster! Cover gets 2. Kane and D-Von both in and everyone is brawling around. The Chief and Lance Storm come out to interfere. Lance goes for a flying leg lariat, but RVD ducks and he takes out D-Von instead in full view of Bubba. Bubba goes after Lance, but while Lance tries to beg off, RVD and Kane dropkick both of them out. Kane then grabs D-Von, CHOKESLAM! RVD up for the 5***** frog splash. Hits it, cover, 1-2-3! And the match is signed; it's RVD and Kane vs. Morley and Lance Storm for the Tag Titles at Wrestlemania.

Up next, The Rock shall serenade us with his dulcet tones.

Outside, Techies set up some speakers for the concert just for Steve. Steve shakes his head, and then gives me a call. "Yeah Steve, I think it's pretty lame too. How the heck should I know? Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll forget to hookup the SLR cables." Geez, he thinks I have the answer to everything.

Oh, some commercials went here.

Back from commercials, and the Rock has a nice acoustic setup in the ring, complete with a stand with Perrier on it (FUCKING TRAITOR!!) The Rock welcomes us to his concert, and tells us that the best thing about being in Sacramento is leaving Sacramento! This has the exact opposite effect, and the crowd cheers. He then goes to sing about leaving Sacramento, and the Crowd seems to be in agreement with him in that Sacramento sucks. Hey, I'm just reporting what I'm hearing. Rock dedicates the next song to Austin, who promptly rolls his windows up. He then starts into a rousing rendition of "You ain't Nothing but a Redneck!" He tells Austin not to mix his dope and beer. Rock calls for Steve to be back on the screen. Rock then launches into a rousing rendition of a Willie Nelson tune. Finally, the Rock gives us the last song, and it's a very special tune, written just for Austin. He begins crooning his own version of "My Way." Rock finishes up, just in time to see an ambulance drive up outside, and see Austin drive his truck into the parking garage. Rock calls out the cops again, and then promises to serenade us again. This is interrupted by Glass Shattering. Austin’s truck drives out, But it's the Hurricane behind the wheel. Rock has security haul him off, and launches into the promised tune. But Stone Cold was hiding in the bed of the truck! Rock is oblivious until Austin is in the ring stomping him a new mud hole. Stone Cold sends Rock scurrying and chases him off with the Willie Nelson signed guitar. Stone Cold baits him back with it, and then proceeds to smash it with his boot. Austin poses around, and we fade out...

To Mr. McMahon making his way to the ring to present to us the bonus footage of the Hogan McMahon contract signing! Right After This!!!

Back from commercial, and McMahon stands in the ring amongst the shattered remnants of the Rocks Concert. Vince tells us that he's proud of what he accomplished Thursday night, and He's going to show us what happened.

We Replay the footage from last Thursday of McMahon’s sneak attack during the contract signing. Oop, looks like I was wrong on a couple points in my recap. Vince just came in from the crowd, not through a trap door (why did I think there was a trap door), and instead of just smearing his blood on the contract; he put the pen in his hand.

Back to present time, Vince is proud of himself, and all that entails, and he'll be proud to destroy Hulkamania. Play No Chance, and this time we are through....

Except of course, if you don't count the bonus footage of Kurt Angle demanding an apology! It's up Next!

We return, and JR assures us that CSI will be next. From there, we go to video footage of Kurt demanding Brocks apology for what he did to Eric, again, last week on Smackdown. You know, Eric does look exactly like Kurt, except for the more prominent brow, and the fact he seems incapable of showing expression apart from ‘lost puppy dog.’ From here we fade out to commercial, and I wait for it....

And we return to JR and King saying thank you to TNN and us for sticking with us through all the extraneous bullshit, and that we'll see you at Wrestlemania. The Start of CSI shows that we really are finished for the night.

Now that is the way you lead into Wrestlemania! I could run down extolling the virtues of every match, but I'll just give the blanket statement that everything rocked, particularly the HHH/Naitch vs. Booker/Goldust match, Jericho and HBK's exchange, and the ending to The Rock Concert. I was wondering what that Ambulance was for, tho. Maybe someone got hurt and we’ll hear about it in tomorrow’s news bites. Once again, Smackdown is going to have to work hard to catch up to Raw entertainment wise. And in the words of JR, See you at Wrestlemania!

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