by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com

I wound up going 2-of-3 in Stupid Predictions last night.  Not too bad, really.  But mostly, I just sat on my ass and was entertained.  Here's how RAW went down...

Opening Promo: Shawn Michaels

HBK wastes no time, and immediately introduces us to Ric Flair, the greatest wrestler in the history of all time and space.  He puts Flair over big time for his work last week, and says the one thing he's wanted to do for 18 years is to test himself against the measuring stick that is "The Nature Boy."  Flair, modestly, says that everything he did in the ring was already eclipsed by Michaels in later years, but what the hell, he'll bleed, sweat, and pay the price here tonight against HBK.

But wait: Triple H has heard enough of the Mutual Admiration Society.  He's out to tell Flair to quit blowing hot air up Michaels' ass, and get back where he belongs: in HHH's corner as a subservient little bitch.  You see, HHH theorizes that he is responsible for reviving the Nature Boy, and Shawn Michaels' pep talk from last week had nothing to do with it.  So Flair had better realize which side of his bread is buttered, or else HHH will get all Nash-tastic on him.

Ah, and another country heard from:  Eric Bischoff is out.  He says he's feeling much better this week, and thus, is ready to wield some power.  First, he says, HBK/Flair is not going to happen tonight.  It's too big a match for idiots in Mobile, Alabama, so it's moving to the PPV.  But, he offers a consolation match:  HBK and Flair will have to team up and face Triple H in a handicap match tonight. 

This week's pointless dot-com craptaganza:  vote on whether Jericho will be speared by Goldberg tonight!  You know, if they did this like real sports events, with constantly changing questions reflecting the current on-screen situation, then maybe that'd be sorta cool.  But giving people 2 hours to vote on something this silly?  Kinda weak.

Booker T vs. Test

Because we have no time for exposition, JR has to tell us a couple of things over the opening minutes of the match.  For one, Booker T is now getting an IC Title shot at Christian at the Bad Blood PPV.  For two, Stacy has given up on Test and Scott Steiner as a tag team, but WILL continue to manage both as singles wrestlers.  That becomes important when, at about the 4 minute mark, Test pulls Stacy into harms way, and she takes a baseball slide dropkick from Booker so that Test can get away unscathed.  But instead of staying on task and winning the match thanks to his devious tactic, Test lets himself get distracted when Steiner comes out and carries Stacy to the back.  Booker rallies and wins.  Boy, for a guy who usually says how much he likes the slow burn stories, I sure am getting sick of Steiner and Test...

Backstage: Triple H tries to butter up Steve Austin with lots of compliments, but Austin's on to him.  The Hell in the Cell match is still on.  HHH changes tacks and questions Austin's balls for letting Bischoff go out there earlier and book the RAW main event (the handicap match), but Austin's not stupid.  The match is still on.

Val Venis vs. Steven Richards

Val prefaces the match with some lewd comments directed towards Victoria.  Apparently, he's getting back into the adult film business, and wanted "Victoria's (Dirty Little) Secret" to be his comeback movie.  Neither Victoria nor Richards is too pleased with that, and so the match is on.  It should be noted that Trish Stratus was out doing guest commentary, though other than briefly mentioning that she really wanted to get revenge on Victoria for splitting her lip at the PPV, didn't contribute much.  But I like Trish, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt, and theorize that her lack of contribution was most certainly due to a crisis of conscience:  she knew that the "right" thing to do would be to play along with Lawler's sixth-grade double entendres -- because we all know that the dirty talk is a required skill for any top contending women's wrestler -- but is too intelligent and classy a dame to bring herself to actually do it.  Thus: vast stretches of awkward silence.  Why am I talking about that instead of the match?  Uh, because the match was just a glorified squash to reintroduce Val to the fans.  About two minutes, money shot, good night.  

Backstage: The Coach corners Kevin Nash, who in a very calm, sedate manner, promises to dismember HHH inside the HitC and take the World Title.  Hey, some people disagree, but I don't mind when guys like Nash and RVD cut promos where they aren't fricking shouting all the time.

Backstage 2: Terri is interviewing Christian about current events, and we basically learn that in addition to facing Booker T for the IC Title at Bad Blood, he's also got a non-title match tonight against Goldust.  And Christian wants to get mentally ready for that so he tells Terri to scram.  As she gets to scramming, Goldust himself appears and calls Christian a dick. Tator.  Or something like that.  After Christian gets the situation under control and says that neither Goldust nor Booker will ever beat him for the title, Booker appears on the scene, too, and has a few choice words.

Backstage 3: The Co-GMs are face-to-face.  Apparently, Austin has made the money-losing decision to let all military into the Bad Blood PPV for free, which Bischoff things is wrong.  But Austin, despite his anti-authority past, is 100% American, and he's sticking to his guns. Also, he's now on his way to the ring for a big Memorial Day Extravaganza.

The Steve Austin Memorial Day Beer Bash

Lilian Garcia kicks off the Bash by singing "America the Beautiful."  Or rather, singing the opening few lines of it... because then, completely uninvited, La Resistance storm the ring.  They say there is nothing beautiful about America, but a bunch of fat, ugly bullies.  Also: they have new tights that are not quite as comically gay.  Boo.

Of course, Austin comes out and puts an end to their crap.  Grenier goes out over the top rope, Dupree eats a Stunner, and then it's time to resume the party.  Austin actually decides to join in with Lilian for a duet on "America the Beautiful," and I think you all know just about how that sounded.  Then it's beer time, and god bless her, Lilian played along like a champ.  She was wearing three beers within 20 seconds and apparently loving it.  Somewhere, Lee Filas' head exploded.  Good fun all around: Austin shows his ass and acts out of character to get Lilian's song over, then she pays back with the beer bash, and the end result is that you feel like you just saw something special and out of the ordinary.  No complaints.

Backstage: Ric Flair puts on his robe and leaves his dressing room.  But as we continue to zoom in slowly on a mirror, we see a ski-mask-clad figure lurking in the shadows behind where Flair had been standing.  Friend or foe?  I immediately guessed "Randy Orton," though I did not wager a guess on friend or foe just yet; I merely thought I recognized Randy's undeniably hip-yet-casual fashion sense.  Call this Stupid Prediction #1.

Christian vs. Goldust (Non-IC Title Match)

Early on, crowd shows signs of turning on this one.  At one point, they seemed just a click away from chanting "Boring."  Nothing against either guy, but I sorta see where they were coming from: Christian as the IC champ is, at best, a seat-warmer for Booker T, and at worst, the recipient of a "we're pushing him whether you people like it or not" push, or so the fans think.  Either way, a cheap win for Christian seemed inevitable here... which is probably why the crowd -- and myself -- perked up for some near falls near the end, leading up to Goldust getting a clean pinfall win following a series of reversals.  Wha?  That is actually NOT what I was expecting at all.  But it works for me...

The Teddy Long 5 Minute White Boy Challenge

We join Teddy's spiel already in progress, and I immediately have images of tonight's surprise White Boy being hometown boy Bob Holly.  Yeah, I know he's supposed to be out a couple more months, but c'mon, he's wrestled against doctor's order's before, and plus, I told you ahead of time these were STUPID predictions. Anyway, within 30 seconds, I'm proved wrong:

Rodney Mack vs. Bubba Dudley

Bubba is a house afire, and pretty much controls things until the 2 minute mark.  That's when Teddy Long distracts the referee, allowing Chris Nowinski (The Original Soul Brother #1 if ever there was) to run in from the crowd and whack Bubba with his face mask.  Mack made the cover, and got the three count.  And it only took him half as long to beat Bubba as it did to beat Spike.  I guess that proves who the best Dudley is once and for all.  Nothing much of a match (if anything, it was as sloppy and not-on-the-same-page an outing as we've seen out of Mack, yet), but I must admit I'm curious to see the potential Promo Synergy that could develop between Teddy and Nowinski...

Backstage: La Resistance is comisserating with Eric Bischoff over what a jerk Steve Austin is.  Bischoff ends up signing a match for later tonight:  Grenier vs. RVD in a flag match, and if Grenier can win, La Resistance gets a tag title shot at Bad Blood.

Backstage 2: Chris Jericho is sitting in a make-up chair getting pretty.  However, it's revealed that the internet is against him by a margin of about 4-to-1: they think he's getting speared.  I (think I) know better, though.

Backstage 3: HHH and Flair are face-to-face.  HHH says it's the last chance for Flair to ditch Michaels and do the smart thing, old man.  Flair has a different viewpoint.  But... uh oh.  Both guys are wearing red tights.  This led me to make Stupid Prediction #3:  Flair turns on Michaels, rejoins HHH, and Randy Orton is a friend of the heels.  Yes, based on red trunks.  

Rob Van Dam vs. Sylvian Grenier (Flag Match)

Object of the match: grab your flag from one of the opposing corners and wave it.  You win. Grenier looks pretty decent here, as RVD's bumpability is always a plus for his opponents.  Somebody must have noticed the time, as we went pretty quickly into end game here: Dupree attacked Kane outside the ring to being Chaos Mode, then we had a ref bump.  Kane and RVD cleaned house, and RVD captured the American Flag.  But the ref was not there to see it.  Grenier and Dupree took advantage, and Dupree KO'ed Kane with a shot from the American Flag before putting it back up in the corner.  Grenier ascended the alternate turnbuckle, and captured the French flag just as the ref revived.  I liked it.  Good busy booking for the final 2 minutes or so; kept me distracted from the fact that this now means that the RAW tag titles are sinking further and further into oblivion, but that's neither here nor there...

Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel

Jericho comes out and again immediately cops to being the Mastermind behind the plan to vehicularly assault Goldberg.  Well, he didn't really mean to assault Goldberg, just meant to send him a message:  the message that nobody wants him here in WWE.  Jericho goes into a slightly sanitized, but mostly above-board, version of the Jericho/Goldberg feud that never happened in WCW, saying that he wanted to face Goldberg in 1998, but that Goldberg wouldn't do it because Jericho wasn't a big enough star.  Jericho went so far as to claim that that was his solitary motivation for jumping to WWE in 1999, where he went on to become the King of the World.  Finally, Goldberg heard enough, and came out.  Jericho, cowardly putz that he must be for this feud to work, jumped out of the ring while Goldberg made faces at him.  Eventually, the two decided to agree on a match against each other at Bad Blood.  But Goldberg wants him some NOW, so he reaches out and pulls Jericho into the ring...  but Jericho's prepared.  A quick spray of chemical mace, and Goldberg is incapacitated.  There will be no spear tonight, kids.  I liked this segment: Goldberg maybe needs to slow down and say his lines in his own head before he says them out loud so that they come out more sensibly than they did last night (didn't it seem like he was a kid just learning how to swear?  trying to throw "asses" in where they didn't fit quite right and all?), but they're doing a good job keeping the story focused on "tell-able" aspects of the story from 1998.  They can (hell, SHOULD) drag out some of that footage from Jericho calling Goldberg out from WCW; what they don't need is to get mired in the off-TV, backstage stuff that will only confuse a lot of fans.

Backstage: Terri tries to get a few words with Jericho, but he is the very dictionary definition of "Fleeing the Scene."

Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair vs. Triple H (Handicap Match)

Michaels starts for his team, and immediately goes into Ricky Morton mode on the grounds that the bell didn't even ring on this match until after 11pm (eastern).  HHH goes for the surgically repaired back, and is in control.  At the 3 minute mark of this epic, Michaels musters every ounce of his reserve strength and hits the Sweet Chin Music.  The ref is pulling out the double 10 count, but these brave Warriors will not let themselves be counted down until at LEAST the 7 minute mark.  HHH is slowly getting to his feet, but HBK makes a last ditch dive to his corner and tags in Flair.  Flair hops into the ring, and clenches his fists.  HHH begs off.  Flair....  Flair turns around and starts laying into Michaels with fists and boots.  That dirty, red-trunk-wearing bastard!  And wait, what's this?  Backstage, the black-ski-mask guy has just plastered Kevin Nash with a chair.  In the ring, the two-on-one against Michaels continues now that HHH is over his shock at Flair's actions.  Finally, chairshot or no, Nash saunters out to the ring to help his buddy Shawn.  But that ain't gonna work... because here comes ski mask guy again to uneven the odds.  HHH, Flair, and Ski Mask Guy continue to beat down Nash and Michaels, stopping only to pose as the show goes off the air.  That's when Flair reaches over and takes off the ski mask to reveal...  yep, Randy Orton.  [Damn you and your listening to your doctors, Bob Holly!  I could have been 3 for 3!]

Actually, all kidding aside, I harbor just a bit of bitterness over seeing Flair go back heel.  I said last week that I 100% opposed the opinionated types who thought Flair should have won the World Title, and said so on the grounds that not every match Flair's ever gonna wrestle is gonna be in the Carolinas.  There was a bit of hometown magic working last week.  But that said, I'm not convinced there's zero value in Flair working one last serious program as a babyface.  He may not be worshipped as a hero everywhere, but if booked properly, he's got that one last run in him.  I sort felt like this was the right time for it... I guess the Fed has other plans.

Flair as the mentor to the re-forming "Evolution" faction (please, can we get a new name this time' round?) seems to be the short term place for The Man.  And I guess as good as Flair/Michaels in a babyface/babyface match would have been, this will actually lend a bit more drama and intrigue.  Who knows what dirty tricks and outside interference Flair will have up his sleeve?

Again, a RAW that pretty well delivered on the entertainment side...  but this was not as strong or memorable a week for anything that happened bell-to-bell as was last week. 

E-MAIL RICK
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