by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com

And believe me, I never thought I'd be (albeit tangentially) arguing for MORE backstage bits/promos/skits, but in this case, I guess I am: five minutes more of setting up the night's matches, take away one of [Raven/Rico or Dreamer/Orton or La Resistance/Hurricane and Spike], and the other two of those matches (and the whole rest of the show) benefit.

Instead of the crowd being all "What the hell?" during Gail Kim's battle royal debut and win, you might have had them engrossed with just why all seven women in the division were tossed into this match (and why the two most logical finalists, the champ Jazz and her recent nemesis Ivory, were both eliminated very early)...  and instead of the crowd simply turning against (or at best, ignoring the existence of) the three matches I mentioned, you might have had them at least paying some mind to Rico's antics or La Resistance's Frenchness.

It's not a matter of any of those matches sucking.  It IS a matter of those matches sucking fans in, however.  One of RAW's big strengths the last month or so has been its "stickiness," that quality of once it gets you in, you STAY in because each segment is something you want to see.  Last night RAW served up a ton of "out" segments (matches that made it very easy to change the channel to something else), and a few of them in the final 45 minutes, and some consecutively, to boot.  That is no way to build up momentum for the show.

What I don't know at this point is if the preponderance of poorly hyped "out" segments was the result of Steve Austin's absence or not.  There are mixed signals, with some saying the creative team knew well ahead of time that Austin would be getting the night off (thus, his "food poisoning" was just an angle), and others claiming that Austin's absence became an issue after creative had already completed a format for the show including him.  In the latter case, the lack of hype/explanation for many matches is understandable, at least.  In the former case, I'd at least postulate that we learned on Monday just how valuable Austin is at stirring the drink, and how missed he is when you can't count on him for a few entertaining minutes per two hours.

To cover for Austin's absence, they developed the idea of Bischoff taking charge so that he could create his "masterpiece." That worked, to some extent, but was mostly a very reactive plot device.  A show WITH Austin may not have included that much-needed chance for Bischoff to be something other than Austin's bitch, but MAY have included -- you know? -- actual reasons for fans to care about all the matches Bischoff signed.  All Bischoff really seemed to do was to swoop in, deus ex machina style, at the conclusion of some bits to set up the finish.  Effective sometimes, not so much so others, and mostly just leaving me wishing they'd put as much planning into the set-up of the matches as they did into the finishes. 

But maybe I should leave the diatribe alone for now, and just tell you what happened:

History Package: everything that led up to last week's HHH/Kane Title vs. Mask match.  And then, the highlights of the match itself, followed by footage of Kane unmasking.  Complete with zany video distortion effects to make Kane's face look even scarier.

Opening credits/pyro/music/etc.: this time with absolutely no time to waste with comments from Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, because it's time to go directly to....

The Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho

Jericho is already in the ring, and immediately launches into how you'd THINK his guest this week would be Kane.  Except that Jericho's all about the sex appeal, not about the grotesque disfigurement.  So instead, he's invited Stacy Keibler out to be his guest.  Predictably (to everyone but Jericho, it seems), she is joined by Scott Steiner.  When Jericho invites Steiner to leave so he can conduct his interview with Stacy alone, Steiner actually turns a witty phrase ("Jiffy-Pop jump suit") en route to basically telling Jericho that he (Steiner) can either stand there patiently and make sure there's no funny business, or he can kick Jericho's ass right now.  Jericho doesn't really want any trouble, because he doesn't want to risk his pricy "Highlight Reel" set, but that doesn't stop him from bragging about his prowess in the sack to Stacy, while questioning Steiner's (a/k/a "King Arthur's").  Jericho's words are twisted against him when Stacy retorts that she's heard the only thing legendary about Jericho is his "small penis."  Ah, love those single entendres!

Finally, Jericho deems that he's been taunted enough, and decides to bring out another guest:  his blood rival of just a few months ago, but the man who he has now deemed "far better for Stacy" than Steiner... Test.  So of course, while Steiner turns to face Test, Jericho attacks from behind, and a two on one attack commences.  A set-up, muses JR.  Steiner turns the tables and Jericho/Test decide to hightail it, but are cut off by Eric Bischoff.  Bischoff announces that Steve Austin is NOT in attendance tonight, and so tonight is HIS show, and he will do everything in his power to make it spectacular, a testament to his legacy, and so on and so forth.  So for starters, he's booking a match for later tonight:  Test and Jericho vs. Steiner and.... Stacy!  Test and Jericho give us "confidently happy."  Stacy gives us "palpable concern."  Steiner gives us "confused" and possibly "distracted by something shiny."

Not a bad start, actually. Jericho can shine on the stick, and this was an instance of actually setting up a later match fairly effectively.

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Lance Storm Promo Joined in Progress

When we come back from a break, Lance Storm is already in the middle of reading what we have to assume is a lengthy Prepared Statement.  He's pausing, probably expecting "BOOOOOO-RING" chants, but not getting them.  Oh, the irony.  He eventually gets to a bit where he's cribbing Webster's definition of "boring," when suddenly, some famliar music hits:

Lance Storm vs. Goldberg

JR tells us that this is our scheduled match, and Goldberg's decided to interrupt Storm's promo to take care of business.  Unfortunately, before Goldberg can hit the ring, Rodney Mack attacks him on the entrance ramp.  Storm presides over the beatdown for about 30 seconds, but as soon as Goldberg shows signs of making his comeback, Storm is outta there.  So a no decision?  Goldberg proceeds to thrash Mack again (Spear -> Jackhammer) to a reaction less thundering than the previous week.  Perhaps a bit of confusion as to if it was a match, what the deal was with Storm, and the fact that Mack was already sacrificed to Goldberg once?  The type of stuff, in other words, that might have been addressed a bit differently if Austin (with whom Storm's been having troubles) was around....

Backstage: Kane (sitting with his back to us, with a towel over his head) is being lectured by Eric Bischoff.  Bischoff reveals that the unmasking stipulation was not his idea, but Rob Van Dam's.  RVD apparently petitioned Bischoff to make that stip because he (RVD) felt Kane didn't need to hide behind a mask anymore.  Furthermore, Bischoff agrees with RVD, and the big ratings from last week back up his theory (hey, nice touch, there).  So Bischoff tries to manipulate Kane into wrestling another Title match against HHH.  But Kane nods his head "no."  So Bischoff decides to give the title shot to RVD (more dubious logic here, another hole that might have been plugged by Austin's simple contrariness), and then tells Kane he STILL has to go out and make an appearance in front of the people or he will be fired (implication is that Bischoff wants more ratings due to Kane's disfigurement, but again, the logic of this whole segment doesn't really get across).

Trish Stratus vs. ?????

We are told that Trish is the first entrant in a seven (7? that means either Lita or Gail Kim....) woman battle royal for the Women's Title (where the hell did THAT come from?), right as we cut to some....

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Women's Title Battle Royal (Trish Stratus, Jazz, Ivory, Molly Holly, Jacqueline, Victoria, and the debuting Gail Kim)

The crowd, which already needs to have its hand held if they are to care about anything diva-related that doesn't also include disrobement, is justifiably confused by where this match came from.  I'm guessing, at least among those who have been paying attention, that its confusion that escalates when Ivory is eliminated first (after spending the last 5-6 weeks on a notable winning streak with a handful of decisions over the champ Jazz).  Speaking of Jazz, she's mysteriously KO'ed by a kick from Victoria, and is carried to the back by officials (obviously, she never went out over the top rope, which I'm quite sure Teddy Long will be happy to pronounce next week), so forget your champ being anywhere near involved in the final decision.  Molly and Jacqueline follow in terms of being eliminated, leaving Trish, Victoria, and Gail to work a slightly more extended final segment.  Trish's elimination came when she saved herself by landing on the apron after Victoria tried to toss her; but seconds later, Gail "accidentally" collided with Trish, sending her to the mat for the elimination (hmmm, again, I ponder the reasons for Trish's losing ways and the possibility that she could be developing an "aggressive streak" -- announcer-speak for "heel turn" in many cases -- in coming weeks).  Victoria tried to seal the deal by powerbombing the rookie, but Gail managed to use her leverage to force Victoria backwards, over the top rope.  Gail grabbed the top rope and held on, while Victoria tumbled to the floor.  And so Gail Kim, veteran of 4 weeks of vignettes and nothing more (as far as fans know), is the new Women's Champ.

You might have expected a sizable pop for a newcomer (especially a super-hot one) winning in a debut match, but it didn't really develop.  Again, I credit a bit of crowd confusion over what led to this match and maybe even over Jazz's "elimination" to that lukewarm response.

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Christian vs. Booker T (IC Title Match)

Well, this is one that probably DOESN'T need a whole lot of explanation of build-up if you're willing to rely on fans' memories of the last month or two.  But when Christian attacks Booker prematurely during his entrance, they go straight into the crowd, and in the wild brawling, they probably ended up spending the crowd's reserve of energy for this particular segment.  But I guess it was necessary, because when officials (HEY! Dean Malenko!!!  Terry Taylor!!  Fit Finlay! And, to a lesser extent, Tony Garea) finally started to break it up, it gave us a chance to hit one of these new fangled abrupt breaks for....

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Coming back from commercial, the match is now your typical affair in the ring.  Fans have cooled off considerably, and I guess it's understandable.  From wild brawl to 2- or 3-minute pause to get things back into the ring during commercials to a regular old match is not a recipe for generating increased interest as you go along.  And even though Booker and Christian are working hard for us, the flat live crowd hurts the overall presentation a bit.  Back and forth we go, probably for about 8-10 minutes after we come back from the break for the "official" start of the match, and not at all bad despite the cool crowd.  Then comes the finish, which is a belly-to-back superplex by Christian on Booker.  But when Christian tries to flip over for the cover, Booker hooks his legs, and the ref counts three.  Apparently, for Booker, because his music starts, and the ref raises his hand as if we've got a new champ.

But no, here's come Bischoff, who tells the ref he made the wrong call: upon looking at the replay, Booker's shoulders were also both down for the three count.  The proper call is a double pin, and therefore:  a draw.  The champ retains, Christian is still the IC Champ.  JR tries to sell us on this being a travesty of justice, but again, the logic's not clicking: Booker's shoulders WERE down.  Bischoff is right.  It WAS a double pin, and there is plenty of precedent for that being a draw.  You can claim it as a cheap, lucky escape for Christian, but all this talk of highway robbery and how the right call would have been for Bischoff to restart the match did not sit quite right.  Unlike others, I don't have so much of a problem with this finish itself: I don't know how long it'll last, but I'm digging the whole cheap escape/Honky Tonk Man thing Christian's got going.  But I will object to how they sold the finish.  Cuz I thought the sell (a) insulted the fans' intelligence and (b) took the heat that should have gone on Christian for being one part lucky and one part crafty and put it on Bischoff for making a supposedly (but not really) unjust call. 

Backstage: Kane is still brooding with his back to the camera when Rob Van Dam walks in.  RVD admits that he's the one who asked Bischoff to do the mask stip last week, because RVD knows that the fans will accept Kane no matter what.  Kane says no, they won't accept him, and further, he hates all the fans.  RVD then, out of nowhere (maybe trying to motivate Kane into some kind of action besides just sitting around), says, "I hope you won't hate me, too, when I beat HHH for the World Title tonight."  Kane sits there silently as RVD leaves, and then mutters, "I do hate you, Rob."  Oooooohhh, nasty.  A segment that got a couple interesting ideas across, but in a stilted way that didn't really flow.  Such is the danger of over Hollywood-icized skits, I think.  Kane's tag at the end was particularly cheesy; if he HAD to speak (and I'm not sold that he did, as some slight head turns and growls could probably have gotten his point across), it should have been something more natural sounding, with more zing and forcefulness.  Even steal a page out of Cartman's book, if you have to: "I hate you more than words, Rob.  I hate you so very, very much."  Well, maybe not that, but you get the idea.

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Chris Jericho and Test vs. Scott Steiner and Stacy Keibler

Story of this match, quite sensibly, was Scott Steiner getting his ass kicked for minutes at a stretch because he didn't have a partner he could really tag in.  So it was like a handicap match.  Some odd exchanges on commentary here, as JR was really snippy towards Lawler; granted, Lawler was making NO sense whatsoever by openly wishing Stacy would tag in... but Ross got really loud and indignant once or twice, calling Lawler out instead of just calmly explaining to him, "You know, King, you can ogle her just as easy if she's outside the ring.  If she tags in, she'll probably get her pretty little butt kicked, and who knows how many weeks you'll be without her to stare at."  It was really kind of odd, but it wasn't his only moment of irritability all night, either (just the most memorable one).  I mention it mostly because there's only so much of Scott Steiner bumping around unconvincingly that I can take, and that amount is not 10 minutes or so, which is how long this went on.  Steiner kept making little comebacks, though, and would not stay down.  So it was at about that 10 minute mark that Jericho, in a fit of frustration, wound up just tossing the referee aside, getting DQ'ed.  Enter Eric ex Machina, who declares No, there shall be no disqualifications tonight on His Masterpiece.  He says the match is to continue under No DQ rules.  So Jericho immediately gets himself a chair, and pastes Steiner with it.  Then he drags Steiner's carcass over to the corner where Stacy is, and forces a tag.  Test drags Stacy in, gives her a pumphandle slam, and that's it: 1-2-3.  Test and Jericho look pleased with themselves, and for that matter, so does Bischoff.

OK match that I thought would have more heat given that they set it up well in the opening segment.  Then again, by this point in the show, the live crowd had had its life sucked out be a couple other segments, so....  and also, for the simplicity of the story they wanted to tell here (Steiner battling odds bravey to no avail) and Steiner's ability to sell it convincingly for more than a few minutes, this probably ran a little long.  Still OK stuff though, and I think in coming weeks it's the finish that we'll be expected to remember, and that did come off better than the preceding 10 minutes.  Test is excelling as a dickhead.

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Your WrestleMania Recall:  Lawrence Taylor beats Bam Bam Bigelow as Salt 'n' Peppa sing.  You know, if they've gotta do two of these a week for the next -- what? -- 35, 40 weeks, they'll be recalling The Rick's memorable appearance in Row 104 at WM8 in Indy by November.

Rico vs. Maven

This was nothing except a chance for Rico to try to get his new ultra-flamboyantly-gay gimmick over with fans for five minutes.  Me, I'll be honest, I was laughing my ass off and give a ton of credit to Rico for going so far over the top with it.  Also being honest: it died with the live crowd.  It was so bad that JR had to note that the audience was dead quiet out of confusion over what to make of Rico's grabbing of the ref's ass, leaping into Raven's arms and kissing him on the cheek, and other assorted antics.  He's been working this stuff out on house shows, and usually it goes over like gangbusters, but for some reason (and I refuse to accept that the Buffalo crowd was just too-PC to fire up a good-natured "faggot" chant, as wrestling crowds are normally wont to do), it's not translating to TV so far.  The match, when they were actually wrestling and not doing shtick, featured a few instance of interference from Miss Jackie, one of which eventually allowed Rico to escape a pinning situation and land a big round kick for the pinfall win.  Afterwards, Jackie (who has apparently stolen Ivory's Rearview Window Technology from a year or so ago... that Jezebel!) and Rico had a soon-to-be-patented sexual-tension-free celebration that Jeff Hardy would have been proud of, but that the crowd didn't give two shits about.

I don't know if Rico can make a go of Gorgeous George's (the ORIGINAL one, not Macho Man's relegated-to-porno one) 1950s shtick here in 2003, but to me, it's pretty damn funny, so I'll cross my fingers for him.

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Last Week: Evolution, with Randy Orton landing the key blows, took out Mick Foley.  

Randy Orton vs. Tommy Dreamer

OK, so on commentary, they explain that Dreamer is a long time friend of Foley's and basically that's why this match is taking place: Dreamer getting some surrogate revenge on Orton.  The live crowd can't follow that logic, however, and even as a TV viewer, I'd rather that they SHOWED me the set up, rather than have JR try to tell me.  Actually not too bad as a match, no matter how restless you could sense the crowd getting: there was a 2 minute tie-up spot that I'm torn equally between finding really funny and really cool, for instance.  Also, when Ric Flair finally started involving himself a little much, we entered a nice little piece of End Game.  Dreamer went under the ring for his Singapore Cane, and tried chasing Flair down.  When he finally swung and missed and decided to go back to Orton, Orton had recovered and was lying in wait.  Dreamer walked right into the "RKO" (Orton's version of the Diamond Cutter).  Afterwards, Flair and Orton celebrate by having Flair point to, massage, and otherwise call attention to Orton's chiseled physique.  You know, earlier, Jericho did that with Test, too.  I vote we leave the ambiguously gay shit to Rico, OK, guys?  When he does it, it makes me laugh...  when you do it, it makes me...  uncomfortable.  Like I need a replay of that 7 women battle royal with significantly different stipulationss to make me secure in my manhood again.

A passable enough little 4 minute TV match, but if you want a prime example of one of those "out" segments I mentioned at the top, I can totally see this being one.

Backstage: RVD confronts Bischoff about trying to take advantage of Kane for cheap ratings by forcing him to go out in front of the people for a second week.  Bischoff says "Tough shit, hippie," and says this whole unmasking thing was Rob's idea, and therefore, if Kane doesn't go out in front of the people tonight, his firing will be on Rob's head.  Again, this stuff with Kane/RVD/Bischoff is loaded with some interesting ideas, but they just are seeming to flow naturally and logically.

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Backstage: Bischoff tells Terri Runnels that if Kane's thinking about not going out to the people, he'll bring the people to Kane.  Terri must go interview Kane right now or SHE will be fired.  

La Resistance vs. Spike Dudley and Hurricane (Non-Title)

This time, JR explains to us that Hurricane has decided to jump in full time in the tag division, he's just gotta find himself a good partner, and after Sgt. Slaughter last week, Spike gets the call this week.  So while Lawler spends this entire 3 minute match saying what a horrible, undersized choice Spike is as a partner, I'm sitting here connecting the dots, figuring that the only reason to introduce Spike is so his bigger brothers have a reason to get involved and sudden a feud between the Duds and the tag champs will materialize.  The live crowd, politely restless for the past couple segments, is again not privy to any halfway-decent reason to care about this match (or even JR's one-sixth-decent reason to care), and actually tries to start up a "Boring" chant here.  La Resistance wins (moderately cleanly) with the Kronik-esque double flapjack thingie on Spike.  La Resistance does NOT continue with a post-match beatdown on Spike and Bubba and D-Von do NOT come out for a save, apparently only to baffle me even further as to just what this segment was supposed to accomplish.

Backstage: Terri, armed only with a microphone, enters Kane's lair.  But he's gone.  It's empty.  What a screwjob non-finish!  Now I'll NEVER have closure on that fascinating "Terri's job is threatened by Bischoff" storyline... DAMMIT!

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Triple H vs. Rob Van Dam (World Title)

Crowd seems marginally perked up here, and HHH and RVD come out pretty quick, with RVD mostly on offense for the opening four minutes.  But Ric Flair makes his (late) entrance at that point, turning the tables, and also giving us a nice little break in the action so we can watch some....

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Back to action, and RVD has apparently been able to keep Flair at bay, because he's still hitting the majority of spots, here.  But shortly thereafter, HHH gets the edge with a chopblock, and begins mercilessly working Van Dam's left knee.  Lots of shots to the knee, lots of Flair and HHH wrapping RVD's knee around the ringpost while the other distracts the ref, that sort of thing.  All the punishment eventually sets up a couple legit, non-cheating attempts by HHH to finish the match via submission:  first an Indian Deathlock, then a Figure Four.  Van Dam is able to break both holds.  By now, we're up to about 15 minutes or so of total match time, and it's been pretty good stuff, with the crowd slowly getting into it.  Van Dam starts a rally (one time, he even REMEMBERED TO SELL THE LEG while he was in the middle of a flurry... there's a first time for everything!  even if I half-wished he'd given the leg sell a few more tries, too).  RVD even counters a Pedigree and hits a Five Star Frog Splash.  Could it be a new champ?  Nope, because here comes Ric Flair to break it up.  Right in front of the ref, too.  No choice but to call for the bell, right?  No, because Bischoff is at it again:  this match is ALSO going to be under No DQ rules.

So we continue.  HHH immediately goes for a chair, but when he comes around the corner of the ring (he and RVD had been brawling at ringside), RVD leaps up and nails him with a Van Daminator.  Then he jumps over and punks out Flair.  Then RVD starts trying to drag HHH into the ring to finish him off, when suddenly, Bischoff decides to make this a No DQ, No Count-out, FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE Match.  RVD says "Thanks, boss," and just covers HHH right there.  But at 2 and 9/10ths, Randy Orton runs down and breaks it up.  And it's 100% legal.  Now, it's a numbers game, and RVD can't overcome it.  He fights the good fight up to the top of the ramp, but there, he eats a DDT (complete with patented awesome RVD DDT bump) on the steel stage, and is pinned.  Evolution seems proud of themselves when all of a sudden...

THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE AND TAZZ'S OLD RAGGED TOWEL!!!  It's Kane!  Kane makes a beeline for RVD, and acts like he's going to chokeslam his now-hated old buddy.  But he releases Rob, and suddenly snags Eric Bischoff -- who had stuck around to watch the end of his masterpiece -- by the neck.  Kane chokeslammed Bischoff off the side of the stage into some tables or something.  Then the towel comes off: Kane is completely bald, now, with a little bit of eye make-up or something to make him look a little scary, and of course, he's still got the one creepy-looking contact lens.  We get a close up as we fade to black.

Super ending to the show: about 12 minutes of match action coming off that last commercial break, which were all good and led up to a very well booked finish (the only one of Bischoff's late match appearances that really came off well)... and then the mini-swerve with Kane destroying Bischoff instead of RVD.  I think even fans who weren't aware of house show finishes this past weekend probably were surprised by that.  I was doubly so.  I wasn't so keen on the way each of the RVD/Bischoff/Kane segments played out, but they sowed enough intriguing seeds... toss in this finish, and I'm anxious to see what next week brings.

Of course, great finish aside, this was a RAW that had some issues elsewhere.  Taken as a whole, I just wasn't feeling it this week.  Again, let me reiterate that a little more work done to make each segment more "sticky" -- and this is work that would admittedly probably have been easier with Austin around -- would have gone a long way to improving the overall feel of the show.  Still, I'm left with the impression that this was probably my least favorite RAW in a month or more.

Ratings and other fall-out in tomorrow's regular OO....

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