by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com

You catch me after the show, after I've just seen Jericho and RVD, and I'm not sure why, but the best I can muster is "Well, that was alright."  I mean, I can't point to a whole lot that sucked (ummm, Shane, sorry buddy, but... well, more later), but I also can't point to a single moment that really leapt off the TV like RAW's had the past couple of weeks.

Certainly the show was not horribly lacking, but I also don't think it was as strong as the past two times out.  Perhaps we should wait till we review the whole thing before we go making grand judgments, though, OK?  Here's the recap....

Video Package: The story of the bounty leading to Batista's return.  He Pillmanized Goldberg's ankle to collect the hundred grand.

Opening theme/pyro/etc, as Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcome us to the show and immediately begin wondering why that steel cage is hovering (ominously, as it is wont to do) over the ring.  But no time for riddles, because it's time for....

Self-Congratulatory Theatre w/ Evolution Lite

Obviously, no HHH.  Thankfully, Flair (even though he's in the Carolinas, where they are apt to cheer everything he says) starts for the remaining team members.

Flair boasts about the bounty plan working perfectly.  Fans are definitely split on whether that is good or bad (lots of cheers for Flair, but an audible "GOOOOOOLD-BERG" chant does rear its head).  However, when Flair hands the baton over to Batista for a few words, it goes to all boos.  Batista does a dead-on caricature of the prototypical evil pro wrestler: lots of shouting for no reason while boasting about his awesomeness.  Nothing to distinguish him for hundreds of indie wrestler characters, other than his physique.  However, he does admit that he's the guy who pushed the crates onto Goldberg last week.  Unless I missed something, he did NOT take credit for driving the car that almost ran Goldberg, over, though.  He may have missed a line, but... he might have left that out on purpose.

Batista finally handed the mic over the Randy Orton, who for the team project, was put in charge of researching Championship Disbursement.  Since Goldberg is done with wrestling forever due to his "shattered ankle," Young Padawan Orton believes that the title should revert back to its previous owner, Triple H.  It seems to me like Randy's working from a mighty bold (and implausible, even to the live fans) assumption.  However, Randy's speech converted at least one listener:  Eric Bischoff came out, and after briefly feigning anger at losing his world champ, told Evolution he was glad Goldberg was gone (what with Goldberg once spearing him and all).  Bischoff had brought with him the World Title belt (left behind last week when Goldberg was rushed to the hospital, I'm sure), and was about to make a bold proclamation when....

*KEEEE-RASH*  Here's Stone Cold Steve Austin with a dissenting view.  Austin, as is his custom, cracks my ass up with a totally superfluous aside about something Bischoff left in the bag in which he carried the title belt to the ring.  And then, on to war: Bischoff can't strip Goldberg of the title, because Austin just talked to Goldberg this weekend.  And Goldberg's not quitting.  Bischoff says some stuff about "shattered ankle" and "30 day rule" and that kind of thing, but Austin says he doesn't know how Goldberg intends to pull it off, but he will be back and he will defend his title at Survivor Series.  Against Triple H.  Bottom line.  Cuz he said so.

Evolution is hella pissed, and Batista takes it upon himself to chase Austin up the ramp with a mic (which is either not quite working or Batista's talking into the wrong end or something, because he's only half-audible).  Something about he don't much cotton to Austin's politics, and maybe he'll provoke Austin tonight.  Austin invites him to, but then there is a disturbance in the ring:  those juvenile dastards Cade and Jindrak have run in from the crowd and begun beating on Flair and Orton.  So Batista has to jog back to the ring and scare them off, instead of inciting Austin.  

I think we can safely assume we just made ourselves a little tag match for later tonight.  According to JR and King, we've also got this little gem to look forward to: Shane McMahon vs. Mystery Opponent.  More than once, as they hype the match, JR tells us he's thinking it'll be Survivor Series come early tonight on RAW. Liar.

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Backstage, in the Women's Locker Room: Trish, in bra and towel, is on the phone.  Lita, in bra and unbuttoned shorts, walks in.  Trish puts down phone, Lita asks who she was talking to.  Trish is all, "You know, just stuff... my mom and..." She should have probably just trailed off mumbling, but Lita jumped in, rather clumsily, and asked "What about Jericho?"  And Trish admits, yes, Jericho called and just wished her good luck for tonight, and that was mighty sweet of the guy.  Then Lita's all like, "Well, that does it. Him and Christian aren't really that nice, and I'm gonna go figure out what they're up to."  She grabs a shirt and bolts out of the room.  But then Trish calls out, "Hey Lita!"  And Lita comes back.  And Trish says, "Um, I just wanted to be the one who gets the last word in on this skit, no matter how pointless it is.  Now hop to it, Nancy Drew!"  OK, so not really... but not to sound effete or anything, but I'd have gladly traded the states of undress for some less awkward dialogue.  Molly was already destined to win the Pleasantly Surprising Wardrobe Choice award for the night, anyway...

Booker T vs. Rico

I had to go hit the can, and when I walk back in, Jim Ross is telling me that "Booker T has won this match convincingly."  Or maybe "decisively."  Something along those lines, and apparently, and understatement.  I'd guess less than 90 seconds and squash city for Booker.

But that's OK, cuz the real point of the match was to get Booker in the ring so that Chris Jericho could ambush him for....

The Special (Because of the Steel Cage We Can't Hang the JeriTron 5000 from the Roof, so You Better Just Resign Yourself to a Barren Ring and Pretending Like It's an) "Impromptu" Edition of the Highlight Reel

Jericho crashes the post-match party (no Spin-a-roonie!  Boo!) with a microphone, and tells Booker not to worry about being a guest on an unscheduled Highlight Reel, because he's only really got one question... something along the lines of "Why in the blue hell would you align yourself with Steve Austin at Survivor Series?".  But I guess the question was rhetorical, because instead of letting Booker respond, Jericho instead wants to introduce him to the other members of Team Bischoff, including one new member.

Enter Scott Steiner and Christian, who are Walking With a Purpose towards the ring.  The purpose becomes clear when Jericho tells the monkeys to lower the cage.  The 3-on-1 battle is joined, and Booker's having it handed to him, but just before the cage fully lowers, Rob Van Dam sprints down to the ring and slides in (with a steel chair).  That sends the trio of Team Bischoff members scattering, as RVD grabs a mic and announces that Team Austin also has a new member tonight, and his name is Rob Van Dam.  Yay!

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Backstage: Jericho and Bischoff are raging... their master plan to send a message to Booker and any prospective member of Team Austin backfired.  The lock-Booker-in-the-cage-with-3-guys plot failed, all because of RVD.  Jericho has an idea: he'll send the message himself if Bischoff grants him an IC Title match TONIGHT against RVD.  Bischoff likes the way Chris thinks, and it's on.

Mark Henry vs. Lance Storm

This is in the guise of another Teddy Long White Boy Challenge, as Long prefaces the match with a spiel about how that Crackersnake Steve Austin cost him and Henry a hundred grand last week by barring them from the building before they could finish the job on Goldberg.  So Henry will face any Austin-loving White Boy here tonight to send Stone Cold a message....  and Lance Storm comes out.

Lance busts exactly one move, sprints the ring, gets manhandled for 20 seconds, and then tossed over the top rope.  Thanks for playing, Lance.  But as Mark Henry turns to gloat to the crowd, he is met by a Shawn Michaels Superkick.  Ah, sweet revenge.

You know, I'm a big fan of continuity and all, but I'm also a big fan of (a) giving Lance something half-way memorable to do, and (b) not wasting Michaels on Mark Henry.  How tough would it have been to at least give Storm one single chance to pop the crowd.  Like when he comes out, instead of sprinting to the ring, give him a mic so he can do a quick ultra-white-guy version of "Greetings, let me holler at you, player" as he accepts Long's challenge.  Then he can do a little dance, get his ass kicked, and come back next week.  Maybe it'll come off funny, maybe it won't.  But at least it's something.  Also: Michaels actually stepping over Lance's carcass and ignoring him in his post-match celebration didn't help with the impression that Lance is Disposable.

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Backstage: Lita approaches Christian, and Christian has been expecting her.  He's got Lita's book handy, and a page marked with his finger.  When Lita asks him what he and Jericho are up to, Christian says, "Remember this?" and holds up a page with a picture of Lita and Christian holding hands.  Awww.  He just thought, you know, they used to be so close, and....  but Lita thinks he misunderstood, and they were Just Friends back in the day, and that's all.  Lita leaves, and Christian just sort of sighs and puts the book down.  You know, if he'd really paid attention to Lita's book, I'm sure he would have gotten to the part where she mentions that she regularly enjoys injections of Mattitude.  Enjoyed them back when she was taking pictures holding his hand.  Still enjoys them today.  Perhaps it would have been best to have Christian's motivation be the simple, "You know Lita, back in the days of ladder matches and TLC, we went through hell together, and I can't help but feel we have a bond.  I know we were on opposite teams back then, but I really developed a respect for you.  And now that you're back, well..."  A bit cheesier, yes, and no pictures for visual aids, but also, I think, more in keeping with the fact that Christian's pursuit of Lita SHOULD be cheesier than Jericho's of Trish.  Having Jericho seem like he's honest and having Christian seem like he using clichés and lines is one way to keep this interesting and unpredictable...  while still leaving all options wide open for future developments.

Elsewhere backstage: John Heidenreich is talking to Hurricane, getting ready for his try-out match tonight, in which Austin has teamed him with Hurricane.  Newspaper photographer Roosevelt R. Somethingorother pops in, and asks to take a picture.  However, just as the picture is snapped, Heidenreich whispers the truth about Little Johnny in Hurricane's ear, resulting in an allegedly hilarious double take by Hurricane.  

Elsewhere Elsewhere Backstage:  Shane McMahon is getting ready for a Mystery Opponent, when Jonathan Coachman walks up.  They spar for a few seconds, then Coach says, "I hope for your sake you're not facing Kane tonight."  Shane, however, retorts, "I hope it is Kane."  Somewhere, the disembodied voice of Jim Ross once again promises Survivor Series is coming early... 

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Hurricane/John Heidenreich vs. Rob Conway/Rene Dupree

Hurricane starts the match and works just about the whole thing.  After a hot start, Hurricane is Ricky Morton for about 3 minutes.  Big tag finally comes to Heidenreich, who proceeds to be.... underwhelming.  Sloppy-ish power moves like shoulderblocks clean house, and then he hits his finisher (a Rock Bottom, but with a bonus Wedgie thrown in) on Dupree.  Hurricane and John went outside the ring and celebrated with the many servicemen on hand from Ft. Bragg, but when Conway got in the ring and started waving that damned French flag again, Heidenreich hopped back in, too, and hit his finisher again on Conway.  And again, Lawler felt the need to point out the extra man-ass on display due to the wedgie.  And thus, Lawler finds a way to become even MORE off-putting: acting flamboyantly omni-sexual.

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Shane McMahon vs. Test (No Disqualification)

Well, to start, it's still a Mystery Opponent, but unlike WWE, I won't grossly miscalculate and massively disappoint you by milking it for too long.  Shane gets to the ring, grabs a mic, and does some "Get on out here, whoever you are," further juicing the crowd.  And then, out comes Test, in street clothes and on a crutch.  Huh.  Crowd goes mild.

Test says he's still pissed at Shane for breaking his foot two weeks ago, and tonight, he's here to introduce Shane's Mystery Opponent:  ME.  Um,  HIM.  Whatever: it's Test, who immediately swings his crutch at Shane.  But Shane dodges, and the brawl spills outside.  Out there, Test is eventually able to gain an edge, at which point, he begins broad gesturing in the direction of the entrance ramp.  This continues to be the most-used move in his arsenal, though to his credit, he later augments it with shouting the words, "Come on out here, Kane" and "Man, we had a deal" as he gestured.  Thanks to Test's help, the announcers eventually piece together that the whole thing was a plot by Test to have Kane join him for a double team on Shane.  But Kane's not coming out.

So that leaves Test and Shane to have a big no-DQ brawl of a match.  Given that Test's foot is broken and that to get the story over, he had to spend half his time with the gesturing, they actually did some decent garbage wrestling here.  There was even a Holy Shit worthy spot in which Shane turned a pump handle slam attempt into a vicious looking DDT into a garbage can.  It's just that the crowd (and to be honest, I) were just waiting for the other foot to drop.  JR had sold TV viewers on the idea of Kane vs. Shane, and the live crowd was probably just wondering how long the guy with the broken foot was gonna mark time until the REAL story kicked in.  But it never really did.  Test and Shane did a 8-plus minute match, Shane won with the Van Terminator, and that was that.  Again, not bad at all, but presented in such a way so as to be massively under-satisfying.
 
And then, the bad kicked in.  Shane got on the mic, and just died.  He started yammering about how Kane should come on out here right now, and blah, blah, blah, but he's yellow.  And this went on way too long, and the crowd was just not into it.  Finally, somebody bailed him out by sending Kane to stand on the ramp, but still: it was just Shane talking and talking.  About how Kane is afraid, afraid of what Shane might do, what lengths Shane might go to to send Kane straight to hell.  Finally, Shane gets to the point: he wants to amend the Survivor Series match, and make it so that one of them will end the night in the hospital.  Shane proposes an Ambulance Match.  Kane smiles, lights off his pyro, and leaves.  So I guess he accepted?

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Lita vs. Trish vs. Victoria vs. Gail Kim (#1 Contenders Match)

Each woman for herself, first pinfall wins the match: those are the rules.  Early on, Molly shows up to stand on the top of the ramp and scout the opposition. (And allow me to opine, in pathetically predictable fashion: Good Golly!)  In the ring, Victoria and Gail are apparently working together on a divide and conquer strategy, isolating first on Lita, then on Trish.  But the finish comes when their partnership falls apart.  First, Trish was eliminated with a bump from the ring to the outside (due to interference from Steven Richards), and then Lita had eaten a Widow's Peak and was KO'ed.  But Gail broke up the pinfall, angering Victoria.  So once Victoria had dispatched Gail, Lita was once again conscious, and surprised Victoria with a wicked DDT (credit to Victoria for taking it with the patented RVD/Val Venis-caliber 90-degree-angle bump).  Lita wins, and immediately locked eyes with Molly, who, damn her, just stood there and didn't give us a chance to check out those jeans from the backside.

Backstage: Coach is telling the make-up lady Jan how easy her job must be when she's working on a face as pretty as his.  But still, he wants even MORE pretty, since he's going out there next to conduct yet another of Coach's Book Reviews.

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Rest in Peace: a nice, but brief, video tribute to Michael "Hawk" Hegstrand is shown.  Plenty of old NWA footage, along with requisite red & black shoulder pad WWF-era shots, too.  Live crowd gets a mighty LOD chant going...  which dies quickly when, as King notes, we go from "A legend to a loser."

Coach's Book Review Corner

This week's subject: "The Stone Cold Truth," the (not-so-auto-)biography of Steve Austin.  Coach immediately takes issue with the title, as he claims the book is full of lies and inaccuracies.  Including the part about Austin getting fired by FedEx by Eric Bischoff back in the WCW days.  

Finally, Austin has heard enough, and comes on out to see if Coach wants to physically provoke him.  Coach is too smart for that, however, and says that he'll get his revenge by watching Team Bischoff win at Survivor Series, and then the sole GM will give him his job as lead announcer back.  Austin says since Coach is so fired up for Survivor Series, he (Austin) wants Coach to be there live, to conduct the post-match interview at the end of the 5-on-5.  You see, when Austin's team wins, the first face he wants to see is Coach's.  D'oh.

Backstage: Terri is interviewing Cade and Jindrak.  One of 'em says something about last week proving they can "hang" with Evolution, but the other says he's tired of "hanging," he wants to BEAT them tonight.  They start bickering, and in swoops Shawn Michaels, who tells the two that THIS is the sort of fire we've been waiting to see from them since they showed up six months ago.  He tells them they can make friends, or they can make an impact.  Cade and Jindrak immediately agree on "Impact" and are back on the same page as they head to the ring...

Kubrick Segue #1: Michaels walks over this direction, and is met by Mark Henry and Teddy Long.  Thankfully Teddy does the talking, and in long form, challenges Michaels to face Henry next week on RAW.  Shawn says, "You could have saved the rhetoric, cuz it's on, bitch."  And then Shawn realized what he said and decided to go to confession....

Kubrick Segue #2: As Michaels sauntered over THAT direction, Eric Bischoff intercepts him.  You see, since Austin ejected Henry and Long from the building last week, Bischoff is deciding to eject Michaels from the building THIS week.  For his own protection.  And Bischoff has cops ready to escort him out.  But Shawn says, OK, I'll go quietly... but not before awkwardly bumping into Bischoff and playing with his zipper while reaching behind him.  Whhhaaaa?  Did Michaels lift Bischoff's wallet or something?  I mean, Damon in "Ocean's Eleven" he was not, but that looked like some plot point you should remember, because it had to be on purpose....

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Randy Orton and Ric Flair vs. Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak

Batista is out at ringside with Evolution, and within seconds of the start of it, Maven comes out to even the sides.  The action here is actually pretty smooth and fast-paced, but again, the crowd has been taken out of the show to some extent, and Cade/Jindrak are not exactly the ones to inspire them to perk up.  JR also calls Cade "Lance" once or twice, further convincing me that the "You Can't Have Two Lances" Rule is stupid and pointless.  Finish had the ref distracted while Flair rolled Jindrak up with handful of tights, but Maven took the chance to (punch/clothesline/something) Flair, causing the pair to roll through.  Jindrak ended up on top, and also grabbed a handful of tights.  This time, the ref turned around and counted the fall.  After the match, Batista laid out Maven for his insubordination, while Orton and Flair took care of revenging on Cade and Jindrak insisde the ring for a bit.  Then Batista came in and gave them both powerbombs, because he's a monster and he's meaner than Goldberg.  OK match, but nothing to get excited about; and it turned into the predictable Evolution and Batista are Awesome finish....

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Rob Van Dam vs. Chris Jericho (IC Title Match)

OK, if anyone can get the crowd back....  good fast start, back and forth for a while, but then Jericho gets the edge with a kick to the balls behind the ref's back.  This eventually led to Jericho being able to cinch in the Walls of Jericho at a VERY early stage (maybe 4 minutes in?), which seemed odd.  Even more odd: Bischoff came sprinting out right after Jericho locked in the hold, and began distracting the ref.  Huh?  Oh, I see: as soon as Bischoff showed up, RVD started reaching towards the ropes.  After a minute or so, he got there, but the ref was tied up with Bischoff and didn't see it.  Jericho was eventually able to pull RVD back to the center of the ring.  When he did, Bischoff stepped down off the ring apron, and the ref turned around.  After a few more seconds, RVD had had enough, and he tapped out.

New IC Champ!  Crowd isn't really buying it, though.  I mean, they can look at their watches: we've still got 10 minutes of air time.  And plus: man, Bischoff or somebody blew a cue, because that finish was WAY awkward.  The story would have gotten across better if Bischoff had sprinted out just a split second before RVD reached the ropes, instead of a split second before RVD even started moving towards the ropes.  It just seemed confusing and a bit of a clusterfrick as it stood.

And anyway, here comes Steve Austin to make the predictable proclamation:  or is he?  No he's not.  The ref's decision stands.  Jericho is the IC Champ.  Huh.  But aha, Jericho's first title defense is RIGHT NOW.  Against RVD.  And for shits and giggles, it's inside that steel cage that's above the ring!

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Chris Jericho vs. Rob Van Dam (IC Title Steel Cage Match)

We are joined in progress, and it's even more quality action from these two.  Plenty of innovative cage-assisted offense from RVD along the way.  A few teased escapes by Jericho thwarted at the last possible second tossed in.  Typical cage match action.  Finish has Jericho escaping, but RVD leaps up to stop him.  Both men eventually end up standing on the top rope: from there, RVD's educated feet strike, sending Jericho flying back to the mat.  RVD starts ascending the cage.  Jericho starts crawling towards the door.  RVD goes over the top.  Jericho's head is out the door.  RVD spider-mans over to the door, and kicks it into Jericho's face as he tries to exit.  Jericho is bloodied.  RVD falls to the floor and regains the IC Title.  New IC Champ!  Same as the Old IC Champ!

But before the celebration can begin, Christian and Scott Steiner run in from the crowd and start pounding on RVD.  They toss him into the ring, where Jericho is slowly coming around.  The Dudley Boyz suddenly run out and make it a three-on-three inside the cage.  But then Mark Henry lumbers out to again give the heels an advantage.  Teddy Long locks the cage door with the heels enjoying the 4-on-3...  but Booker T dashes out, and has no problem climbing over the top of the cage to get in.  He does a crazy top of the cage dive onto Team Bischoff that is worthy of the night's second Holy Shit commendation.  But Team Bischoff rallies, and leaves the faces lying.  Final shot of the night is Jericho perched on a corner of the cage: bloody, but smiling.

Final Analysis

I really think that the stuff with Shane killed the momentum of the show, and due more to mis-promotion than to outright sucking.  Even the preceding match with John Heidenreich had good heat (although it was more "USA USA USA" heat what with La Resistance in the ring and servicemen surrounding it), but everything afterwards was fighting an uphill battle.
 
They teased Kane/Shane, but gave us Test/Shane.  And as much as Test gets a tip of the hat for doing what he did while injured, sending a hurt guy in to wrestle the second longest match of the night probably wasn't wise, because everybody was just waiting for something ELSE to happen to bail him out.  It didn't help that they spent the opening hour hyping it up like the Mystery Opponent would be something special, either.  But when it wasn't anything special, and when nothing additional happened, when it was just a 10 minute match with Shane beating Test, the (completely reasonable) crowd response was "That's all?  Really?".  Shane's overlong mic work afterwards only complicated matters, and somebody backstage should have bailed him out by cueing Kane sooner.  Shane even looked briefly bewildered at the total silence of the crowd.  Tighten that whole Shane/Test/Kane thing up, maybe shorten it by a few minutes, and you might have had a different second hour on your hands.  As it was, though, the steam was taken out right there, and never quite came back.

That's not to say mis-timing didn't hurt elsewhere: as outlined above, it seemed like the end of the first IC Match was sloppy, and that probably deadened crowd interest to some extent.  Also: putting Cade/Jindrak in the semi-main event would have been OK if the show was firing along at full speed but seemed like another bit of a black hole after the show had sputtered a bit.  

Still, my main point is that subtle miscues aside, this was still a good show.  Even if it wasn't what anyone really expected or wanted, Shane/Test was, if you look at it fairly, a good garbagy brawl.  Jericho/RVD very good, even if I think the timing of the first fall made it a bit predictable.  There was also a ton of cool stuff built into the five-on-five Bischoff/Austin feud; the sides now look to be 4-on-4, but I'm confident you put Michaels in as the last member of Team Austin, now.  Last guy on Team Bischoff?  Not sure.  Maybe Test?  Point is, all that stuff is coming together nicely, and gives the Fed some cool options for RAW matches/promos/skits before we get to the PPV.

It's just too bad that for all the good RAW did last night, it didn't seem to have the same sizzle as previous weeks.  I'm still taking this over jumper cables to the nads or a sewage truck, though...  yes sir, I'll take it.  And I'll like it.

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