by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com

Whew.

I knew the guy joined the RAW crew Sunday night and was with them in Cleveland.  I just assumed he'd be on the show, and used it for column hype.  And until the very end, I was thinking somebody had decided to go out of their way to make me look like an ass.

Well, I can do that all by myself, thank you very much.  To wit: here's a recap of last night's RAW, probably riddled with observations you might find inane.  

Here goes....

No Video Package: What, I have to remember what happened last week all by myself?

Straight to the opening theme/montage/pyro, and a welcome from Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross, who dally for nary second, because it's time for...

Booker T/Rob Van Dam vs. Chris Jericho/Christian

Whoa, it's 9:02pm (eastern) and we've got a wrestling match in the ring.  This isn't RAW!  Announcers lay out the details for anybody who really is mentally challenged and needed the video package that never appeared: you see, this is a battle for psychological supremacy heading into Survivor Series.  Two of Team Bischoff's men (Jericho/Christian) facing off against two of Team Austin's (Booker/RVD).  First five minutes of the match is a fantastic display of Efficient Sports Entertainment.  The action in the ring is good, and the announcers balance calling that with telling the story of Team Austin vs. Team Bischoff.  There are RAWs in the past that would have hacked five minutes off this match to do a video package or promo, but here, everybody (guys in the ring, guys on the headsets) understood their jobs and gave us a multi-layered viewing experience.  Umm, am I making an ass of myself yet with overly pretentious and drawn out analyses?

Cut to the final 2 minutes of the match, which were super sweet.  Chaos broke loose, and things started off with RVD setting up Jericho for a Five Star, but then adjusting at the last second to nail a charging Christian with a Senton, instead.  Then, he got up, sprinted back to the turnbuckle, and tagged Jericho with a split-legged moonsault instead.  Christian managed to break that up, and he and Jericho started a double team on RVD.  Eventually, they tried to whip Van Dam into the ropes to double back-drop him, but Booker had come around at that point, and criss-crossed them, and instead nailed both Jericho and Christian (who had lowered their heads) with a double scissors kick.  Awesome spots, as they'd have to be for me to actually do this much contiguous play-by-play in a recap.  Booker T was then eliminated when he celebrated his awesome move with a Spinaroonie instead of following up.  That left RVD to deal with two men, and it didn't work out.  Jericho and Christian cheated their way into a pinning combination in which Jericho covered RVD and Christian held his leg down from outside the ring.  Three count, and the heels win.  Score one for Team Bischoff.  Good 8 minute match, super way to kick off the show.

Backstage: Austin watches the finish on his monitor and gets pissed, storming out of his office.  And right past The Coach, who catches Austin's attention.  Coach wants to accept Austin's offer for an immediate post-match interview at Survivor Series because he's so confident Team Bischoff will win.  But Austin sort of rains on his parade by telling him if Team Austin wins, the gloves are off and he'll kick Coach's ass.  But if Team Bischoff wins, he'll have nothing to lose, and he'll kick Coach's ass.  D'oh.  Then Austin says, "Excuse me, I have to go do something I never thought I'd do."

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Backstage: Terri is interviewing the women's champ, Molly Holly, and makes the mistake of asking about Lita.  Molly's sick of talking about Lita, and promises that there will be no feel good story about Lita coming back from injury to win the women's title at Survivor Series.  In fact, Molly says that the only thing Terri will have to talk to Lita about after Survivor Series is the one thing they have in common: getting destroyed by the women's champ!  Terri barely has time to register her confusion before Molly makes all very clear by cuffing Terri with a left hand and then throwing her around like a rag doll.

Awkward Segue

We cut to a wide shot of the ring, and Lawler and JR briefly wonder what the hell that was all about, when Molly and Terri brawl out onto the entrance stage.  Molly hits a stiff-looking slam on the steel, and then kicks Terri's carcass down the ramp to the ring.  In the ring, Terri tries to mount a comeback, but it's all Molly, who gets on top and just keeps pounding until Lita finally makes a run in.  As Lita sprints in, Molly does the perfect "Alright, alright, bring it on, bitch" pose and turns it into "Um, excuse me, I've gotta go" as soon as Lita sets foot into the ring.  Molly tries to make her escape through the crowd, but Lita catches here hung up on the ring barrier.  As Lita tries to pull Molly back over, a figure in a ball cap and hooded sweatshirt pops in and whacks Lita with a wrench.

The hoodie comes off, and well, well, well, it's Gail Kim.  Molly and Gail proceed to toss Lita into the ring and beat on her for a few moments before delivering a double DDT.  As Molly and Gail revel in their handiwork and leave the ring, the announcers avoid talking about what a diabolically crafted set-up Molly and Gail conceived, and instead Lawler babbles something about "double D's" when JR tries to mention the double DDT.  Idiot.  Look, I agree, Molly has sudden begun accentuating the positive with results that are, admittedly, spectacularly distracting.  But there was a story to tell here, a good one, an important one.  Not one titled "The Lonely Old Pervert and Molly's Suddenly Ubiquitous Boobs."  Sometimes, Jerry, you just need to trust us at home to do the ogling ourselves.  We'll manage.  You have more important things you should be doing.

Backstage Again:  Steve Austin walks into Shawn Michaels dressing room, and immediately goes into "Chris Jericho talking to Trish Stratus" Mode.  It's obvious to everyone that Austin wants Michaels to join Team Austin for Survivor Series, but is having trouble swallowing his pride to just ask him to do him the favor because of their history together not being so good.  Michaels toys with Austin, and eventually gets him to spit it out.  After feigning disinterest, Michaels says, OK, he'll be on the team.  Sigh of relief from Austin, big pop from the crowd.

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Backstage: Lita's getting her neck iced up by the trainer guy, when Christian bursts in all, "I'm so sorry, I should have been there to help you, but I was just getting into the shower."  When Lita and the trainer assure him they've got things in hand and she'll be OK, Christian says, Alright, he'll just be waiting outside if they need him.  And then, as he turns to walk out, he smirks the smirk of Pure Evil for only the camera man to see.

At Ringside: LeBron James, who Jerry Lawler threatens to sue for stealing the "King" gimmick.  He was joking.  I assume.

Batista vs. Maven

This is the result of last week, when Batista and Maven were integral in a Flair/Orton vs. Jindrak/Cade match.  Maven helped win the match for the rookies, but Batista destroyed all three afterwards.  And here, it's more destruction.  As JR reminds us what Batista did to Goldberg 2 weeks ago, and assures us Goldberg is watching comfortably at home, Maven's speed only nets him a few hope spots along the way to a beat down.  Batista countered Maven's leaping bulldog/DDT/thingie finisher by just clotheslining him out of mid-air, and then hit the powerbomb for the pinfall win.

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Video Package: Because Mark Henry messing with Goldberg is more prominent in most folks memories, they take us back 5 weeks to when Henry bloodied Shawn Michaels, incurring HBK's wrath.  Wrath that lay dormant, conveniently enough, until last week, when Michaels popped in again to superkick Henry in the middle of a match.  Tonight, this non-linear death feud will be settled!

You Think It's Backstage, But It's Also a Pre-Produced Video Package:  Kane is in the parking garage, fondling an ambulance, talking about the horrible things he'll do to Shane in their Ambulance Match at Survivor Series.  And then allegedly-creepy video effects start up, and Kane narrates us through a first-person perspective of somebody being loaded onto a stretcher, into an ambulance, and the last image they see is Kane laughing at them through the window with an overly elaborate lighting scheme making his face look evil.  More cheesy than creepy, but short and entirely ignorable in the grand scheme of things.  We get the idea: Kane and Shane are going to finally blow this feud off, and more than likely, you added an ambulance gimmick because you have another sweet scheme for a Crazy Vehicular Assault.  

Backstage, and This Time, It's Plausibly Live:  Jindrak and Cade are fired up over their recent showings.  Just last week, they beat Evolution, and pinned the mighty Ric Flair.  Tonight, they've got a chance to show the world they are Tag Champion material in a non-title match against the Dudleys.  They vow that they still are interest more in making an impact than making friends, and will do anything towards that end.  And with that, folks, you should be sniffing out the heel turn.  FYI, Jindrak, at this point, has "it," but Cade is still a charisma black hole.

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Lance "Garrison" Cade/Mark Jindrak vs. the Dudley Boyz (Non Title Match)

The two teams never quite got on the same page, it seemed, as there were a few sloppy spots early, then extended random swearing at one point (I think it was D-Von who was pissed about something, but you couldn't tell, because they hit a massive 4-second-long bleep that made it impossible to get a context for whatever it was), and somebody got busted open hardway.  Nothing horrible, though, and it was fast-paced enough that if one thing didn't quite click, they were on to something new soon enough.  Finish was the Dudleys in control when all of a sudden, Scott Steiner came out on the ramp, dragging Stacy Keibler with him.  He pressed Stacy over his head, and the Duds thought about doing something about it... but all they ended up doing was getting upset.  Bubba was rolled up from behind and pinned by one of Jindrak or Cade (sorry) for the loss.  Steiner put Stacy down, laughed at the Duds, and dragged her away.  Ha ha!  Team Bischoff causes another loss for Team Austin!  Jindrak and Cade seem not to care HOW they won, merely THAT they won.  Jindrak busts out the massively under-utilized International Signal for "I Want the Belt," while Bubba has a dead-on "Oh, this is just too funny" look of disbelief on his face.

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Contract Signing Theatre

The red carpet, desk, and office chairs are in the ring, and are soon joined by Steve Austin, who wants to waste little time, and asks Eric Bischoff to Come on Down.  Bischoff does, and the two decide to have a nice sit at the desk.  Bischoff, however, reveals he WOULD like to waste a little time... since Austin revealed his fifth team member tonight, Bischoff will do the same.  Say hello to my little Randy Orton...

Orton comes out on the ramp and also joins in the fun of Non-Linear Shawn Michaels Storyline Night... you see, the reason he's on the team is because he's the man who pinned Shawn Michaels 6 weeks ago on PPV, and then immediately proceeded to never mention it again!  Alrighty... but also, Orton sees this as a chance to Kill another Legend, since he can help Team Bischoff win and make Steve Austin go away forever.  Passable promo that got Orton some "asshole" heat, but, to quote Jeb Lund, he still strikes me as way to much of a giant sack of "duh" to be a really compelling character out on his own like this.

Orton, having said his piece, apparently slinked away, leaving Austin and Bischoff to do their thing.  Bischoff signed the contract for the Survivor Series Five-on-Five match.  Austin immediately signed, too.  And then Bischoff did an extended rant about how Austin's book "The Stone Cold Truth" is just Stone Cold BS, because by signing this contract, Austin violated every tenant of the Stone Cold Way.  He is ignoring "DTA" to trust FIVE guys with his career.  Austin responds with perhaps his best serious promo work in ages.  As funny as the guy can be, he ratcheted it up and explained that he hasn't been the REAL Stone Cold for a long time.  And the only way he can be the REAL Stone Cold again is to be allowed to start whooping ass.  So that means the risk of trusting five guys is worth it, because if he can't be the real Stone Cold, he doesn't want to be in this ring at all.  A survey of the crowd seemed to indicate the chance to get the REAL Stone Cold back was worth the risk... and the segment ended not just with some "Hell Yeahs," but also with Austin getting the arena full of fans to flip the bird to Bischoff.  Classy.

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Backstage: Austin is WALKING.  And he bumps into Batista, who attempts to convey "Generic Angry Pro Wrestling Heel," and for whatever it's worth, succeeds.  He tells Austin that he's a goddamned coward, and that's why he doesn't physically assault anyone anymore.  Everyone acts like this is the most heinous act in the history of RAW.  Silly me, but the more effective presentation would have just been to have Austin say, "Whatever.  You think I'm a coward, but I think you're a jacked-up, no-talent bodybuilder who has made a vaguely homosexual choice for his facial hair."  And then he walks away.  But then the Main Event Promo wouldn't have happened, so...  well, I'll just shut up now....

Val Venis vs.   ?????

Um, so Val Venis comes out with three "lovely young ladies" (which is JR's dormant-since-the-days-of-the-Godfather euphemism for "local strippers"), and just stands around at ringside while Jerry Lawler attempts and fails to make jokes about how he just saw one of them on "Spank-travision" last week.  JR even tries to feed him straight lines, but I guess Lawler wasn't on tonight.  Seriously, spontaneous fake porno movie names, shouldn't that be the sort of thing that Lawler's good at?  Unless Lawler's public persona and attempted marriages are all just a ruse, and all he had to stop himself from blurting out the names of his recent favorites like "School of Cock,"  "Big Dickie Roberts," and "28 Gays Later."   OK, so probably not...

So anyway, I guess Val's not actually gonna do anything.  Might as well send two other guys out to the ring....

Rico vs. Lance Storm

I know these two could have a decent enough match, but it'll probably have to wait till Heat.  They got all of 3 minutes, most of which I've forgotten because it was impossible to pay attention with Lawler continuing to blather aimlessly about what Val Venis was doing there.  Finish was Lance countering a something-or-other and rolling directly into the Half Boston Crab for the submission win.  After the match, Rico and Miss Jackie powder out, and Val Venis gets in the ring with his harem.  And then Val, Lance, and the girls all start spontaneously bumping and grinding together.  You know what this segment could have used?  A microphone for Val.  Even if you watch Heat (where Val is constantly scouting for his new production company, or something like that), I don't think this made any sense.

Backstage:  Chris Jericho runs into Trish Stratus in a hallway.  Another spot-on bit.  Jericho's all "I hope it was alright that I called you," and Trish is all "Oh yeah, that was nice," and Jericho's all "I mean, I didn't have your number, so I asked around, and stuff," and Trish is "Don't worry about it.  But if you asked, I'd have given you my number," and then Chris remembers he had an actual point.  He's concerned about Trish's match tonight, in which she has to team with John Heidenreich, and wants to know if she's alright with that.  Trish thinks it'll go OK, even though it's John's first match under contract.  But that's not what Chris was talking about, he meant all this sick "Little Johnny" stuff.  Trish then reveals it's all cool.  She saw Little Johnny earlier today.  Jericho is appalled!  At that point, Heidenreich (who really needs to get a shorter, easier to spell name if he's going to keep showing up in recaps I type), popped in and said it was time for him and Trish to get to the ring.  Trish told Chris, "See you later," and Jericho muttered, "Pervert" as seemed genuinely upset, or perhaps even green with jealousy, as he walked away.

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John Heidenreich and Trish Stratus vs. Steven Richards and Victoria

John, ummm, had a lot of energy coming to the ring, and uh.... well, hell, if I follow my momma's advice and don't say anything if I haven't got anything good to say, there would be no mention of Heidenreich in this recap.  Let's just say he showed a big fat ball of nothing in most of his participation in this match.  Trish and Victoria were the in-ring highlights, here.  Commentary from Jerry Lawler was a low-light, as he idiotically kept contending that "Little Johnny" had to be Heidenreich's penis, even though the backstage bit with Trish made it quite clear that it won't be that.  After Trish and Victoria did some cool stuff, the men tagged back in, and then the women eventually ended up brawling and going to the outside to let Heidenreich hit a sloppy looking finisher (sort of a Hercules-style backbreaker into a sidewalk slam, but who the hell knows?) and pin Richards.  John lifts up and hugs Trish in an overly enthusiastic embrace after the match.  You know John, I wouldn't get too excited: reports are that Stevie was legitimately busted up by the finisher, and that JR was looking really pissed during the ensuing commercial break.  Maybe I need not get used to typing "Heidenreich."  We can all hope.

Note: during and immediately after the match, we got cuts to Chris Jericho who was watching the match on a monitor backstage.  Unlike Christian, Jericho showed no signs of being anything but 100% hoping for Trish to succeed.  He even got a little ticked when Trish and John hugged after the match.  Curiouser and curiouser.

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Backstage: Coach sprints up to Austin with a mic, and pretty bluntly asks him "So Bastista punked you out, you gonna do anything about it?"  Austin said, yes, he had A Plan.  He has made himself the Special Enforcer Referee for tonight's main event between Shawn Michaels and Mark Henry.  And that means if anyone even walks out to the ring, it will be an official act of provocation against a referee, and they'll be able to settle their differences physically.  He mentions no names, but makes it clear he wants to see Batista come on out and test him.  JR heralds this as an ingenious plan.  I herald it as a Flimsy Plot Device.

Elsewhere Backstage:  Kane is WALKING, but not so fast that Sgt. Slaughter can't catch up with him from behind.  Sarge has a piece of paper for Kane.  Apparently, it's from Shane McMahon.  Kane reads it, starts laughing, and then tells Sarge to tell Shane that he (Kane) accepts and will see him (Shane) next week.  You know, Kane, Shane was probably watching.  I don't think Sarge has to tell him anything.

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Shawn Michaels vs. Mark Henry (with Special Outside Referee Steve Austin)

Henry's power vs. Michaels speed.  Power was usually the winner.  Michaels' offense was limited to a lot of punching and kicking, it felt like, and even where HBK could have excelled (selling for Henry), there wasn't a whole lot memorable.  Anyone can sit in a bear hug for a minute or two.  I could have sold that one.  Mid match, Teddy Long tried to interfere, but Steve Austin sauntered over, and ejected him from ringside.  Henry still controlled the match after that, but Michaels finally rallied and hit the Sweet Chin Music out of just about nowhere for the merciful ending.  Longer than it needed to be, and about as ineffective an outing as I can recall for Michaels.  And I recall matches he had against Sid.

After the match: Steve Austin hopped in the ring, and was very careful in telling Shawn, "Thank you again for joining my team, and congratulations on this win... but you need to go now, cuz I got business in this ring."  Shawn eventually just shrugged and left.  Austin, then, named names, and revealed that he wanted Batista to come out to this ring, and to do it RIGHT NOW.  That's actually kind of a bad idea...   you see, first we need to do some...

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Main Event Promo:  Austin vs. Batista (with Special Guests)

Just as we come back from break, Batista's music hits, and he struts to the ring.  Batista: he may not be much of a personality, but his timing is tremendous.  The way he played off the commercial break!  OK, so Batista gets to the ring, and my idea that this was gonna be a promo is immediately proven wrong.  No words exchanged, as Austin and Batista immediately start brawling.

Austin's controlling it, and sends Batista over the top rope.  But before Austin can celebrate, Special Guest Mark Henry attacks from behind.  Guess he never left.  But Austin gets over on him, and sends Henry flying to the outside.  But now, Batista has recovered.  And this time, when Batista attacks, it's from behind, and he gains the immediate edge.  The beatdown on Austin lasts for about 30 seconds when all of a sudden, we cut to a backstage hallway:  It's Goldberg!  He's limping badly, but it's him, and he's coming this way!

Goldberg comes to the ring, selling the "shattered ankle" by wearing a cast visible through a slit in his jeans and limping.  Somewhere along the line, he grabbed a chair, and when Mark Henry tries to come at him on the ramp, Goldberg just blasts him with it.  Inside the ring, Austin's crumpled, and Batista is waiting.  Goldberg tries to step inside the ring with his chair, but the ankle makes it awkward, and Batista has a chance to gain the edge.  But Goldberg reverses things by hitting a spear out of nowhere.  Goldberg, giving us "Extra Intensity" in the form of triple his normal frequency of facial twitches, decides to pay Batista back for two weeks ago by Pillmanizing his ankle.  At that point, Ric Flair made a run in and distracted Goldberg long enough that Batista can roll out of the ring.  The two Evolution members scurry back to the dressing room while Goldberg twitches his mouth and left eye at a potentially unhealthy rate.

But the fun is not done.  Steve Austin appreciates Goldberg's save, and wants to drink a beer with him.  But Goldberg's not going along with it.  At least, not yet.  Austin grabs a mic, and asks him what's wrong, if he knows what happens when people don't share beer with Steve Austin.  Goldberg says he'll drink a beer, but first, there's something he wants from Austin:  a match against Batista next week on RAW.  Austin says, "Put your drinking shoes on, son, cuz you got your match."  Huh.  Austin and Goldberg toast each other as RAW goes off the air.

Final Thoughts

A slightly more schizophrenic effort than what RAW's been serving up lately.  It seems like recent efforts have generally been pretty consistent shows, but this one was characterized by more pronounced highs and lows.  When RAW was good last night, it was really good.  But there were some down points, too.

In the end, it probably averages out to a show a lot like last week's: good and enjoyable, but with just enough missing to miss out on reviews anything resembling a rave.  Probably deserving of a low 3 sort of rating when it comes time for Battle of the Brands.
 
The good: the show opening match was really good, and the final couple minutes were flat out super.  Announcing aside, the Molly/Terri/Lita/Gail thing was another one of those angles that would have been fun and well-executed no matter who was involved, but it just so happens in this case to have been in the women's division; and you know how I like it when they pull that off, instead of treating the women like part of a distinct side show.  Most everything Austin did tonight was dead-on until he started playing with Batista; the bits with Michaels and Bischoff were near-perfect, though.  Jericho/Trish gave us more quality awkward, while Victoria/Trish gave us more quality wrestling.  And you know what?  Damn him, but Coach is doing something right in his backstage bits; listening to him on Heat is a chore, but in these little doses where being "a personality" is more important than calling the action, he's turning to gold.  I don't know what else you do with him, since he can't wrestle a lick and is not "A-team" commentator material at this point, but for now, I'll take what he's doing...

The bad: Michaels/Henry was about as forgettable an HBK match as you'll ever see, and neither the work done in the match nor the finish will do Mark any favors in terms of changing perceptions of him...  the bit with Val and Lance was a giant "What the frick?" and either needed more explanation or to be done on Heat if they didn't want to give it the time on RAW... Kane's bit was another eye-roller, but like I said, it was so minor a part of the show that I'm unmotivated to mock it further...  nothing good is forthcoming from John Heidenreich (the matches just ain't there, and now that "Little Johnny" isn't his cock, that gimmick has merely gone from "incredibly stupid" to "an inevitable let-down")...  and Austin/Batista just didn't do it for me.  I mean, it was logically enough put together and I "get" the story, but trying to paint Batista's comments as heinous and then trying to paint Austin's decision to be a special ref as genius just seemed like inexcusible overhype.  

And that's where we get to the only part of the show where I'm torn.  The main event angle.  Through the previous Austin/Batista segments, they managed to get them together in the ring as an excuse to introduce Goldberg's shocking appearance.  Even if I didn't like the execution of Austin/Batista, I recognize it was for a larger purpose...  And there was something very bad-ass about Goldberg limping in, waxing Henry, and then almost taking out Batista, too.
 
It came through that Goldberg was vulnerable (the cast, the limping) but still capable (the whooping ass), which is exactly what they needed to establish this week.  But then they did the superfluous Goldberg/Austin thing, which I don't think was the best way to go.  I actually liked the way I set it up in my column Monday:  Goldberg should not have demanded the match against Batista next week...  he should have been forced into it by Bischoff.
 
Look, once told to do it by Bischoff, Goldberg would obviously show no fear and would embrace the chance to kick some ass.  But the subtle difference would be that Bischoff would butt in and say, "Hey, Austin, you want to stop me from stripping Goldberg and make a match with him and HHH at Survivor Series... well, if Goldberg wants to show up here on RAW before the PPV, I'm gonna make him face Batista right here NEXT WEEK."  And in that, you can have the announcers be ultra indignant, saying Bischoff just doomed Goldberg to lose the title cuz he was already hurt, and now he'll be in even worse condition by the time he gets to Survivor Series.  You could use that to ratchet up more tension between Austin and Bischoff, a little bonus.  Goldberg would be noble for willingly going into a fight against Batista just six days before a World Title defense.

Instead, it played out with Goldberg forcing Austin to make the same match.  The announcers can't really say anything now except, "Wow, that's, ummm, something.  Tune in next week, folks!"  And instead of seeming noble, Goldberg seems foolish the first time anybody realizes that he asked to wrestle an extra match on a shattered ankle before getting to Survivor Series.  It's subtle, yes, but all this stuff was going through my head making the end of RAW a bit of a anticlimax for me.  I just couldn't shake that the better cliff-hanger, gotta-tune-in-next week-folks ending would have been Bischoff smirking up on the ramp over his just-ordered match, Goldberg giving us a slow-nodding look of resigned determination in the ring, and JR ranting as only JR can about how that no good Bischoff just cost Goldberg the World Title as the show faded to black.  

Austin and Goldberg jumping up on turnbuckles and drinking beer was more of an "eh" ending.  But an "eh" ending to a show that had alot of other things going for it, too.  RAW's still rolling nicely.  My complaints here are more about secondary things like the roadside scenery.  The actual road to Survivor Series remains pretty much free of major potholes that could cause serious accidents.

More RAW fall-out tomorrow in the regular column....

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