by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com

Since I have the entire front page teaser paragraph to myself today, I guess I'd better get right down to business...  here's last night's RAW:

Opening theme/montage/pyro/etc, and we are briefly welcomed to RAW by Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler before it's time to kick it down to the ring for....

Wheel....  of....  FORTUNE!

OK, so it's Eric Bischoff, the RAW Roulette wheel, and two show girls who aren't even Vanna White caliber.  And I never really got Vanna White, at all, so.... 

Bischoff welcomes us to the Greatest Concept in the History of Time and Space, RAW Roulette.  He gets off some good lines about Salt Lake City needing some entertainment and how he intends to give it to the fans before they go home to their "3 or 4 wives."  Zing!  [Too bad Eric talked right over the angry boos that one generated.]  But this isn't "Evening at the Improv," so Shawn Michaels shows up before too long to get us on track...
 
Michaels contends that since Bischoff interrupted HBK's interview last week, he figured it was only fair to interrupt Bischoff this week.  Michaels announces that he sees through all of Bischoff's "psychobabble" and head games, and knows he did the best he could at Survivor Series.  Austin being gone isn't his fault.  It's all Bischoff's fault.

Cue Batista's music (not that you recognized it).  Batista is out to first make an ill-advised and even-worse-delivered line about Shawn Michaels being in his bowel movements.  And then to say that Shawn's right about something: that HBK isn't to blame for Austin being gone.  Batista and Evolution are to blame.  This leads to an escalating war of words, and HBK and Batista want to go at it right here, right now.

But Bischoff says, "No way," he's given the Utah fans too much entertainment already tonight.  So Michaels/Batista is on for the Armageddon PPV (d'oh).  Tonight, Bischoff proposes a match: and wonder of wonders, the RAW Roulette wheel just so happens to be on "Bischoff's Choice."  So Eric makes this match: Batista and Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels and...  HBK's mortal enemy, Chris Jericho.  Hmmm...

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Lita vs. ???? (????? Match)

Lita hit the ring and posed for a minute or so until Eric Bischoff's kindly visage appeared on the TitanTron.  He announces that he was slightly miffed that Lita got her job back thanks to Christian last week, but now he's content to toy with her and abuse her for all eternity.  Starting tonight.  Bischoff invites Molly Holly in for a few words and to spin the RAW Roulette wheel that will reveal Lita's fate for tonight.  The result:  Cage Match.  The first-ever WWE women's cage match, by JR's count.  I cannot, off the top of my head, dispute him.

Lita vs. Victoria (Cage Match)

Lita came out of the gate fast, and attacked Victoria just as she got in the cage.  But the advantage wouldn't hold.  Victoria used more power-y moves to take over, forcing Lita to counter with a rare display of her older, higher flying moveset (you know, the scary stuff).  Crowd was way into it when Lita was the first to tease an escape over the top.  But Victoria saved the match.  Lita tried going up again, and this time, slipped on the top rope (intentional? blown spot? Homage to Jeff?  Doesn't matter, they covered it nicely).  More back and forth, and then Lita hit a moonsault and decided to go for the cage door.  Just as she was about to escape, Matt Hardy materialized and slammed the door on her head.  Lita went flying backward, and Victoria was able to crawl out the door to victory.  Actually a pretty good little match considering neither of the women have probably had much (if any) experience using the cage.  Crowd heat was amazing throughout, and once JR reigned in the King (who, like the letch that he is, couldn't get his mind off the fact that Victoria's outfit kept repositioning itself to reveal her thong, and didn't even have the decency to make the one pertinent comedic comment that Victoria's thong would have allowed for: that Lita was enraged that Victoria was stealing her old gimmick), this all clicked nicely en route to the finish.

After the match: Matt got in the cage and started menacing Lita.  But before he could do much of anything, Christian sprinted out and made the save.  Matt scrambled up and out of the cage, while Christian tended to Lita, who appeared very relieved to see him.

Backstage: Eric Bischoff is admiring his handiwork on a monitor when he turns around to find Randy Orton making time with his hired floozies.  Orton says he'd like a match, and Bischoff says, "Whoa, really?  Cuz before you came in, I just happened to spin the wheel, and it just happened to land on Legend Killer Match."  Eric says he's flown in a special legend just for tonight, so Orton should go out and have some fun.

Still backstage: Eric is about to reach back for his martini, when Hurricane and Rosey whoosh in.  Bischoff tells them that they have a match tonight.  Against each other.  They protest, but Bischoff tells them they'd better, otherwise they might end up in a Loser Gets Fired match.  So they agree.  Bischoff spins the wheel, and it comes up... Capture the Midget Match?  Hurricane speaks for all of us when he asks "Whatsupwiddat?"  Bischoff introduces Fernando, a wily midget, and sets him loose into the bowels of the building.  Bischoff explains the rules are simple: the first person to grab the midget wins the match.  Hurricane takes off in pursuit, Rosey does the same a second later.

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Randy Orton vs. Sgt. Slaughter (Legend Killer Match)

Whew.  I honestly had visions of the Gobbletygooker, who would have been a more holiday-appropriate "legend" to sacrifice to Orton.  Instead, we got a Sarge who honestly looked trimmed down and reasonable credible in the ring.  I was pleasantly surprised.  Sarge locked in the Cobra Clutch twice for big pops, but this was not his night.  Other than those two hope spots, this was mostly a beat down by Orton, who cheapshotted his way out of the 2nd Cobra Clutch and then landed a quick RKO for the win.  Nothing to rave about, but a very effective 2 minutes for Orton.  The company continues to do everything right for guy, and the ball remains in his court in terms of convincing fans he deserves it.

After the match: Orton decided to continue the beat down on Slaughter, but RVD made a save, and kicked Randy in his pretty face a few times to send him scurrying away.  Sarge playfully thanked RVD by teasing putting him in the Cobra Clutch.  HA!  

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Backstage: Val Venis has lined up another couple ladies for himself and Lance Storm, but warns Lance that these are conservative Utah girls, so they should just take it easy at first and convince them that they are nice guys.  Of course, the girls show up to voice their concern that they've heard wrestlers are "pretty crazy guys" just in time for a midget, a super hero, and a fat guy in spandex to sprint through for a brief brawl.  Val and Lance try to explain that they don't know those guys, but it's unclear whether the ladies are buying it.

Backstage 2: Coach pimps Ric Flair's DVD as the "best selling in WWE home video history."  Flair responds by cutting a promo that would have been just as at home in 1988 as it is in 2003: classic Horseman-style, Flair managed to talk about himself and three other guys, and made them all sound like minor deities.  He put over Orton's win over Slaughter.  Then he said later tonight, he'd style and profile and that he had faith in his tag partner and that Shawn Michaels couldn't say the same thing.  And he closed with a diatribe about how, in just minutes, he'd be at ringside watching Triple H take back the World's Heavyweight Title.  Whooo!  Vintage Flair.

Backstage 3: Eric Bischoff is hanging around, and is joined by Matt Hardy for Product Placement Theater.  This week's episode: "The Stone Cold Truth by Steve Austin Used as a Coaster for Matt's Can of YJ Stinger."  Don't know if that's really supposed to make me want to buy either product, but...  there was a point here, and it was Bischoff spinning the wheel for Matt Hardy's match.  Turns out it's a "Strange Bedfellows Match," which Bischoff explains is a tag team match with partners who really don't get along.  Hardy doesn't seem to mind this, and is apparently of the opinion that he can carry anyone to a win.

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Bubba Dudley and Garrison Cade vs. Matt Hardy and Christian (Strange Bedfellows Match)

Matt started, but quickly tagged in Christian, who basically ended up getting screwed.  Christian did about 4 minutes of solid work with Bubba and Cade, but by the end, was definitely in Ricky Morton territory.  When he finally went to tag Matt, Hardy just dropped off the apron and taunted Christian as he left ringside.  Bubba capitalized by hitting Christian with a BubbaBomb, but then made the mistake of turning around to yell something at Matt.  Cade took that chance to blind tag himself into the match, hit a quick Macho Man Elbow, and got the pinfall while Bubba was still jawing with Hardy.  Bubba did not take kindly to Cade stealing his win and the spotlight, and the two had some words after the match.  Finally Cade just sort of started laughing and said, "Alright, alright, no big deal, I'm sorry," but you get the impression he didn't mean it.

Backstage: Terri has Shawn Michaels for a little interview.  She wants him to respond to Flair's interview about trusting his partner.  Michaels says despite the respect he has for Y2J, the fact is, the two men just flat out hate each other.  All he can do is go out there and do his best, and not worry about what Jericho might have in store.  "And, oh, by the way," he tells Terri, "You have a midget looking up your skirt."  This results in Terri joining the chase for Fernando (which also now includes a stagehand as well as Hurricane and Rosie).

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Goldberg vs. Triple H (World Title)

A month ago Goldberg has a "shattered ankle" and now, he's got nothing?  Somebody needs to figure this one out, because having JR and King going on at length about Goldberg's still-vulnerable ankle while Goldberg is (a) not wearing the bandage anymore and (b) not limping in the slightest simply doesn't work.  That complaint aside, we just might have had the best match between these two that we've seen so far: a hot crowd helped, as they went for the slow, simmering, trash-talk start of the match, and having the crowd going nuts made that come off well and got you instantly into the fight.  HHH and Flair orchestrate a little scheme to start the match, and HHH blindsides Goldberg to start.  Goldberg comes on offense for a while, however, until the match went outside the ring.  Out there, HHH turned it around.  Thus we entered "Cheat to Win" mode, with Flair also tossing his 2 cents into the match.  Eventually, Goldberg had enough and decided it was time for his superman comeback.  However, just when you thought it was spear time for HHH, Flair tripped him up and got his attention.  When the ref went to sanction Flair, Randy Orton ran in and tried to attack Goldberg.  Instead, HE ate the spear.  Around this time (with the ref visibly trying his best to keep his back turned and stay occupied with Flair and NOT calling for the bell), the bell started ringing, and JR and King decided that Goldberg must be the winner by DQ.  However, with Orton out after a spear, Flair dropped off the ring apron, and HHH took advantage of Goldberg's distraction by hitting a Pedigree.  And the ref... got down and started counting.  Now everybody was confused.  At 2 and a half, however, Kane's pyro hits and everybody jumps back like a little girl.  JR can't decide whether to be confused as to why the ref was counting, or push the idea that if Kane hadn't picked that moment to interrupt, Goldberg would have been counted down and would have lost the title.  Kane makes it a moot point soon enough, as if the match wasn't a DQ before, it is as soon as he came in, dispatched HHH, and then chokeslammed Goldberg.  Until the convoluted finish, I was really digging this more than either previous Goldberg/HHH match.  I have a feeling there's a certain timekeeper who may have gotten a talking to after last night's show...

Replays, Replays, Replays:  JR and King try to sort out what happened, and I guess the plan is to pretend the early bell never happened.  King sort of mentioned it once and then shut up about it so they could focus on the "Kane interrupted HHH's three count" angle.

Backstage: Bischoff is enjoying the show on his monitor when an irate HHH storms in and demands to know what the hell is going on.  He wants Goldberg, he wants him one-on-one, and he doesn't want that freak Kane screwing with his business...  and then HHH trails off in mid-sentence as he realizes Kane has also made a bee-line for the GM's office.  Kane says, No, he wants Goldberg and wants the World Title.  Bischoff listens to both, gets vaguely threatened by both, and then announces that at Armageddon, it'll be Goldberg vs. HHH vs. Kane in a Triple Threat Match.  Kane and HHH both say that's fine with them, but after Kane leaves, HHH makes it clear he's less than pleased with Eric by doing some serious heavy panting right in his face.  That'll teach him, the Game!

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Live in Beautiful Salt Lake City: we have the requisite outside shot of the arena while JR and King banter, but we quickly pan to a midget running across the parking lot.  Followed by Hurricane, the stage hand, Terri, and Rosey.  Will the hilarity never start?!?

A Helpful Reminder: for those of us who can't believe Booker T is really being wasted in a feud with Mark Henry, here's the footage to prove it.  At Survivor Series, Henry pinned Booker cleanly.  Last week on RAW, Booker cheated to pin Henry.  Tonight, the rubber match?

Booker T vs. Mark Henry (???? Match)

After Booker makes his entrance, Bischoff (flanked by Henry and Teddy Long, who objects to the show girls both being white -- which is actually probably more politically correct that objecting to them both being not as hot as they should have been) again pops up on the TitanTron to spin the wheel and make the deal...  it comes up on "Salt Lake City Street Fight."  Bischoff offers Mark Henry a garbage can full of weapons and sends him on his way.

Booker T vs. Mark Henry (Street Fight)

Booker sees all this, and immediately goes to hide up on the entrance stage (even shushing the crowd in a funny piece of improv).  When Henry comes out, Booker attacks from behind and steals the plunder.  The match is pure garbage in the Balls Mahoney vs. New Jack sense of the word.  Nary a wrestling hold to be seen, but plenty of hitting people hard with inappropriate objects.  Henry, for reasons known only to him, also stopped fighting at random points to perform Feats of Strength (like bending a stop sign and rolling up a frying pan), which was kind of funny, even if pointless.  Finish was Henry tossing Booker headfirst into a garbage can (which Booker himself had propped up in the corner), and getting the clean (by Street Fight standards) pinfall win.  So now the score is Henry: 2 Clean Wins, Booker: 1 Cheap Win?  I'll give this one another week to stop being so utterly, bafflingly, ass-backwards before I start complaining...

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Backstage: Trish Stratus has reported to GM Bischoff's office for assignment... and wouldn't you know it, the RAW Roulette wheel lands on "Bra and Panties Match."  Trish, bright girl that she is, is in no way surprised by this.  Eric wishes her good luck. Then he realizes his mistake, and wishes her bad luck.

Stalking Trish: the cameras love Trish Stratus, so why not stay with her as she leaves Bischoff's office and finds Jericho waiting for her in the hallway.  Chris, also a sharp fellow, is also less-than-surprised to hear Bischoff's wheel just happened to put Trish in a Bra and Panties match, and even offers to go talk to Bischoff on Trish's behalf, use his Survivor Series Wish to un-book the match.  Trish checks her rack out, decides she's got nothing to be ashamed of, and tells Chris not to worry about it: everything will be fine.  She's more interested in talking about Chris' match.  She's of the mind that Jericho should not let Bischoff manipulate him like this, and that tonight, when partnered with Michaels, Jericho should be "the man I know you are, not the man Bischoff wants you to be."  Chris sort of explains that he just really doesn't like Michaels, which doesn't have anything to do with Bischoff, butt...  Trish says if Jericho does the "right thing" tonight, then maybe, just maybe, she'll be very good to him later tonight.  A good luck kiss, and Trish is out.  And man alive, Chris Jericho just laid claim to the Single Biggest Moral Dilemma in the History of RAW.   This is good stuff.

Austin Hype: we cut to King and JR, who talk about the "Stone Cold Truth" TV special, but are then interrupted by a midget leaping onto JR's lap.  Hurricane, Rosey, Terri, and the stage hand look on impotently as Lillian Garcia announces that JR has just Captured the Midget and is the winner of the match.  Wow.  That was it?  Listen, I think midgets make everything funnier, but maybe we need a new rule: only Goldust and Al Snow may play with midgets.  They seem to understand the Psychology of Midget Comedy better than anyone else.  Whoops, make that Just Al Snow.

Rob Van Dam vs. ?????  (????? Match)

RVD made his entrance, and Eric Bischoff did his Wizard of Oz act, popping up on the big screen.  He already spun the wheel, and wouldn't you know it, it came up "Handicap Match."  Oh, but wait, there's more... Randy Orton wanders in and says that's not enough.  So he gets Bischoff to spin the wheel and add another stip.  It's a Singapore Cane match!  And a Handicap Match.  Next.

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Rob Van Dam vs. Scott Steiner/Test (Handicap Singapore Cane Match)

Lots of dueling with the canes, with RVD doing surprisingly well.  Another case of "not much wrestling, but fast paced and hard hitting" action.  Finish came when Test accidentally whacked Steiner with the cane, allowing RVD to hit a Five Star Frog Splash on Steiner.  But Test came back, pasted RVD in the head with a vicious cane shot, and took the pinfall win.  Perfectly serviceable, although King loses points for making "Test's magic stick" references with regard to Stacy (amplified when Test playfully swatted Stacy's ass with the cane after the match).

Backstage: Jericho has decided to talk to Bischoff about the Bra and Panties Match anyway.  Trish, he points out, is an accomplished athlete and former women's champ.  Bischoff counters by saying, "Chris and Trish, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G" (paraphrasing).  Jericho tries to say Nah, he doesn't like Trish, but Bischoff (seconded by the show girls) can tell otherwise.  Bischoff eventually says he doesn't care about Chris and Trish, he just cares about making RAW entertaining.  So the Bra and Panties match is on, and further more, he hopes that Jericho understands what his role is in the main event.  Jericho told him, "Don't worry, I'll do the right thing."  Hmmm...

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Trish Stratus vs. Miss Jackie (Bra and Panties Match)

Trish and Jackie, in the same ring for the very first time since... well, you know, let's just forget that ever happened.  For the very first time!  Period!  No need to really recap the action here.  Trish lost her shirt (big pop).  Jackie lost her shirt (big pop).  Rico tried to interfere and lost his pants, revealing a purple lamé banana hammock and two waxed buttocks (big laughs).  In the confusion, after Rico decided not to be ashamed, but rather to shake it, Trish was able to avert her gaze long enough to dodge an attack by Jackie, roll her up, and depants her (big pop).  Trish wins.  Harmless fun.

After the match:  Lillian Garcia had the audacity to announce Trish as the winner, so Jackie went over and ripped her shirt off.  Oh yes: (Big Pop).  Lillian had some fun with it, displaying her Fiery Latin Temper in scaring Jackie and Rico off before high fiving with some fans.

Backstage: Jericho comes up to Trish and helpfully hands her a robe to cover up while congratualting her.  And then Jericho wants to know if they're still on for later tonight.  Trish, reiterating her position, says, "That depends on you, Chris," and walks away.

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Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho vs. Ric Flair and Batista (Bischoff's Choice Match)

Michaels started, and traded a few blows with Flair before deciding it was time to tag Jericho.  Jericho tagged in without incident.  Right thing, so far.  Jericho proceeded to work the lion's share of the match (although it was only about 7 minutes long, if that), trying his best, but frequently getting topped by Batista and Flair.  Finally, a hot tag to Michaels, who came in and started cleaning house.  An Irish Whip on Flair went a little awry, and Flair's footwork falling into the ropes was off, causing his head to dip behind the top rope and then slingshot back into the ring with the top rope scraping his face.  Ouch.  Michaels, in the middle of an attack, immediately backed off and Flair dived out of the ring.  After less than 15 seconds of making sure Flair's nose was only broken and not about to fall off his face or anything, Jericho dropped down, tossed Flair back into the ring, and we entered end game.  All four men got in the ring and started brawling.  In the chaos, Michaels accidentally sucker-punched Jericho when Jericho nudged him from behind.  Jericho didn't like this.  So after Batista powdered out and Michaels had hit the Sweet Chin Music on Flair for the sure fire win, Jericho came up to Michaels and superkicked him.  Jericho smirked and left the ring.  But luckily, Michaels fell with one arm on top of Flair, and the ref counted the win for HBK and Y2J.  I guess that's SORT OF the right thing?

After the match: Batista got his wits back and destroyed Michaels with a chokehold and a powerbomb.  Michaels busted out the old fake Internal Bleeding to sell it.  Jericho, who was supposed to be doing the "right thing," did not make the save, and our last shot was of Batista standing over a bloody Michaels.

Final Analysis

Really good show, and an inspired example of what was good about the Crash TV Style that was so common 4 years ago.  This was a show that felt like it had a lot of segments, but accomplished that by addressing a lot of issues in each segment, usually using Bischoff's office as the segue.  The "busy" nature of Crash TV sometimes came off as forced or contrived, but in this case, the flow of the show was very good and entirely organic.

If I had to complain, it'd be about the Capture the Midget nonsense, which sounded really funny, but had zero pay-off on the concept.  Again, see previous comment about leaving the midget comedy to those who understand it.  And also about the sloppiness at the end of Goldberg/HHH (the ill-timed bell ringing), although I recognize that's more of a smark complaint, and one that goes away once you give WWE a chance to edit the footage and present an unscrewed-up scenario when they need it in coming weeks.

Everything else was dandy.  The frenetic, busy feel of the show meant it was very sticky.  Even with the Giants on MNF, I don't think I did any significant flipping all night, not even during commercials.  Didn't want to miss anything.  [OK, to be fair, I actually rescinded by interest in the Giants last week, and think I'm throwing in with the Bengals for the rest of the year.  First time since 1990 that I'm hopping on that bandwagon!]

What's most amazing (and partly infuriating) is that they continue to find ways to making Trish/Jericho perhaps the best storyline RAW's seen this year.  Even after I thought they misstepped last week, I'm right back on board following last night's twists.  I wasn't joking when I said Jericho's moral dilemma is just about the most severe one I've ever seen on RAW.  Placate the cool chick you're falling for, and run the risk of pissing off your boss?  Or further ingratiate yourself with the GM and get more sweet, sweet revenge on your arch-nemesis?  That, my friends, is good TV.

As in past weeks, I continue to applaud the ambiguity of the whole thing, too.  And even as I predict they'll have to finally give us something concrete to hang our hats on, they come up with another new way to not just extend that ambiguity another week, but make it even more engrossing and wide-spanning, with more and more possibilities.

I mean, did spending 95% of the match being a good faith tag partner placate Trish's wish that Jericho do the right thing?  Was she all "Eh, close enough.  Let's make out!"?  Or is she gonna be pissed that Jericho turned on Michaels, superkicked him, and then left him to get pounded by Batista?

Or: Is Bischoff going to be pleased with Jericho not making a save for Michaels after the match?  Or is Bischoff going to be pissed that Jericho actually worked as Michaels partner en route to a win over Evolution?

We won't know the answers to those questions until next week.  And even after we know those answers, there are more questions.  Like the core issue of just how sincere Jericho is, and what it means for his character in the coming months.  Might he still just be in Doing Whatever It Takes To Bang Trish Mode?  I jokingly devised a "Trish Stratus Sex Tape" scenario last night that I'm confident would appeal massively to all the smarks who hate that Trish is using sex to blackmail Jericho into acting like a pussy... and I hesitate to get back into that here, on the grounds that you'll think I'm serious.  Which I'm not.  Just deal with the fact that Jericho likes girls and, unlike you, is a guy who actually has a shot with the really hot ones, OK, dorkwads?  

Better, in my book: that Jericho really is going babyface, and will start a adversarial relationship with Bischoff starting next week.  It can start slowly, with Bischoff being mildly miffed with Jericho for not TOTALLY screwing over Michaels.  Jericho, as a jokester, might make a smart-aleck remark back that takes things to another level.  It would be totally in Bischoff's character to keep screwing with Trish, too, which, if you can concede Jericho actually likes and cares about her, would be the thing that sends him over the edge.  From there, it's not too hard to plot out a hardcore Bischoff vs. Jericho feud, with Jericho willing to consider ANY option that would put an end to Bischoff making his and Trish's life a living hell.  And remember: through this all, Bischoff actually owes Jericho one wish.  

I could keep going with all kinds of convoluted speculation about how the whole deal could end up tying into the return of Steve Austin, but (1) it's not really my idea, anyway.  I'm borrowing liberally from the rum-soaked chat room ramblings of Erin Anderson.  And (2) I was already making myself sick last week with how much I was into this soap opera crap, and I'm doing it again, now.  Can't I just sit back and enjoy the ride?  Must I obsess over every little detail?

OK, enough.  Excellent RAW last night, that's the important thing to remember.  More tomorrow in OO.  And RAW Satire tomorrow, too. 

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