by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com

It's almost like I knew it was coming.  Almost.  But more likely, I just ran up my phone bill talking to Miss Cleo or something.  She's smart.

And here's the full rundown of what I'm talking about...

Opening WWE leader plays as usual... but instead of cutting to the opening theme/pyro/etc., as is usually custom, we linger on that framed photo of Eric Bischoff.  Oh, wait!  It's not a framed photo, it actually is Eric Bischoff, and he's here with a very special announcement: tonight's main event will be a handicap match pitting Shawn Michaels and Rob Van Dam against Batista, Randy Orton, and Kane.  Boo!

OK, now we do the opening theme and all that, then to the arena for a quick welcome from Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, before it's time to heat things up.

Goldberg Promo

Goldberg is out to probably the biggest pop and "Goooold-berg" chant I recall in the past couple months, and does not mince his words.  He's sick of being attacked from behind every week by somebody new, and so tonight, he's making it real easy: he wants to get his hands on Kane tonight.

Sensing that somebody was starting to tell him how to do his business, Eric Bischoff picked that moment to arrive.  He said Goldberg doesn't give the orders around here, Eric Bischoff does.  Because this is no longer Monday Night RAW, it's the Eric Bischoff Show.  Crowd is begging for somebody to come out and put a bullet in Bischoff, and....

*KEE-RASH*

No, it's not Austin.  The *KEE-RASH* was actually preceeded by a *SQEEEEEEE-AL*.  That's right: Mick Foley, in the house, bitches!  And he's wearing a suit and carrying a clipboard.  Well, alright.  I like Mick, and "Clipboard RAWs" have a tendency to be very good ones.

Foley is to the ring, with a pop that actually bettered Goldberg's, and then laid out some convoluted piece of exposition about Linda McMahon, Vince McMahon's "diminished capacity," and him being hired as a consultant.  It was lazy work by the creative team, but whatever, the upshot is Mick is here, and I'm not going to complain.  The important thing is that once you accept "Mick Foley is an Outside Consultant," you understand that the "consultant" role means that he can make any decision that he wants and everybody (even the GM) must abide by it.

So: his first decision is to give Goldberg what he asked for.  Goldberg will get his hands on Kane tonight as part of the main event.  Now, there's no more handicap match.  It's Goldberg, HBK, and RVD vs. Kane, Batista, and Orton.  Goldberg likes that, and picks this moment to leave, momentarily causing a break in the promo so his music can accompany him out.

But oh, no...  Foley's not done.  The clipboard he's carrying relates to his second item of business: a petition to bring Steve Austin back to RAW.  He hands it to Lillian Garcia, who signs and passes it out to the audience. Oh well, so it's NOT a "Clipboard RAW" tonight...  

And finally, Foley decides one more thing: being a consultant is nice, but to keep a permanent eye on Bischoff, what RAW needs is a new co-GM.  So Foley names one:  himself.  Have a nice day.

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Backstage: Bischoff and Jonathan Coachman are lamenting the return of Mick Foley, and Bischoff decides to call Linda McMahon to get her to change her mind.  Coach, bursting at the seams with continuity, thinks this is a bad idea, but Bischoff does it anyway.  Of course, Linda hangs up on him before he gets a single word in, edgewise.

Dudley Boyz vs. Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade (Tag Title Match)

This match is the result of Bubba and Cade's confrontation last week on RAW, but NOT (apparently) of Jindrak beating D-Von last night on Heat.  Just going by what they tell me in the nifty pre-match video package.  JR, during the early stages of the match, also brings up Jindrak and Cade's non-title win over the Duds from three weeks ago.  Inside the ring, the story's a little odd, or at least it seemed to me.  The Duds were actually working a bit heelish, throwing in things like disrespectful bitchslaps and a generally dismissive attitude; didn't matter though, cuz the crowd still ate it up.  Perfectly acceptable 3 minute mini-match here, and it ended with more heelishness: D-Von pinned Cade following a roll-up out of the corner and a big handful of tights.  

After the match: Cade grabbed a mic, and demanded that somebody in the truck show a replay.  So, of course, the monkeys in the truck, being under the mind control of only Chris Jericho, counter with a piece of footage from earlier in the match where Cade grabbed D-Von's trunks illegally.  Ha!  Then they show the final pinfall, too, vindicated Cade.  Cade demands a rematch, to a chorus of boos.

Backstage: Al Snow and Jonathan Coachman are watching the Dudleys' win on a monitor when Mick Foley appears for the required Friendly Slamming of His Best Buddy Al.  Once past that, Foley announces that, in the interest of fairness, he's going to sign a little rematch from back a few months ago when Al and Coach were RAW's lead announce team.  Coach jumps to the wrong conclusion that it'll be a tag match and they can regain the #1 Announce Team spot.  Foley corrects him: it'll be Coach vs. Jerry Lawler, one on one.  Coach no likey.  And worse: Mick's added a new stip... if Coach loses, he's fired.

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Booker T vs. Test

It is important to note that Stacy is looking Extra Sad this week.  But not so sad that she couldn't bust out the saucy little school girl outfit.  That's our little trooper.  Booker is out to a fast start before Test puts the kibosh on that.  That's where Extra Sad Stacy comes into play, as she mutinies on Test and for the second week in a row, and starts leading cheers for the opposition.  This is an annoyance for Test, but nothing compared to the outright insubordination Stacy displays later in the match: Test thinks he has it won by rolling up Booker and putting his feet on the ropes for extra leverage.  But Stacy gets on the apron and shoves Test's feet off.  Test turns to verbally sanction Stacy, but that gives Booker the chance to attack from behind, setting up the scissors kick and the clean pinfall win.  Whew, Booker gets a win, and nary a Mark Henry in sight!  Things are looking up...

After the match: Test, woozy from the kick, powders out, and so Booker invites Happy Shiny Stacy into the ring to celebrate with him.  She obliges.  And then Booker has an idea:  he'd like to see a "Legs-a-roonie."  And Stacy again obliges, with a Spin-a-roonie that, while quite shitty, was not without its compelling attributes.  When Booker asks her to do it again, she hits a slightly better one, but Booker doesn't care anymore because, godammit, he's being blindsided by Mark Henry.  Booker takes two crappy powerslams, and sells it like he's dead, while JR and King inform us that the issue between Booker and Henry is far from over. Thanks for the great news, guys.

Backstage: Trish is apparently getting ready for a match, and is looking for something in her bag.  Lita appears and is apparently off-duty tonight, but IS ready to tease Trish a little with a Chris Jericho action figure.  Trish tries to deflect Lita's interest in her personal life by asking "So what's up with you and Christian?", but Lita won't bite on the misdirection.  So Trish starts talking about Jericho, and how she's just been having a really great time with him and how she's never felt like this before.  She thinks it might be kind of stupid, but she even had a hockey jersey made (with Jericho's name on the back), but Lita assures her, no, that's really sweet.  Trish thinks it could get even better, because she just might wear the jersey herself later tonight, with something that looked purple and lacy on underneath, if you catch her drift.  Because Trish thinks "Tonight might be the night."

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Backstage: Terri has a chance to interview Batista and Randy Orton.  Orton does nothing but preen like a dorkwad in the background while Batista does Generic Heel Promo #7 (the one where he promises to break Shawn Michaels in half later tonight, but if he doesn't quite finish the job, he can do so at the upcoming PPV).

Didn't You Already Get Your TV Time Theatre?

Test, Stacy, and now Scott Steiner are out for our amusement.  To keep things fresh, Steiner's the one who gets to talk.  He accuses the fans of cheering Stacy just because they like her long legs, and got to see her panties tonight.  I told you Steiner was so a certified MENSA member!  

But Steiner reminds fans that Stacy belongs to Test, and by extension, to him, because he and Test share everything.  I can't put my finger on it, but that's a vaguely disquieting notion.  Test, sensing the viewer discomfort is rising, decides to add to it by grabbing the mic and telling us that, to put Stacy back in her place, she is going to have to join Test and Scotty's Kiss Our Asses Club.  Test immediately pulls his tights down to reveal one cheek, while Scott pulls his jeans down to reveal... a shiny purple thong?  That was funny when Rico wore one last week, but this week, it's just kind of....  I don't know, but let's just say that I officially think Steiner missed the point earlier about fans loving it anytime they can see panties.

Before the shenanigans get any further out of hand, Mick Foley's music hits, and he arrives on the stage.  As GM and Consultant, he immediately orders Stacy to leave the ring and come consult with him up on the stage.  Extra Sad Stacy again morphs into Shiny Happy Stacy as she prances up the aisle.  Test claimed Foley couldn't do that because it's in his contract that Stacy is "his property."  Foley corrects him: it WAS in his contract because now, HE'S FIRED.  When Steiner says Foley can't do that because he and Test are a tag team and they're going to win the titles, Foley says, OK, YOU'RE FIRED, TOO!  And as Test and Steiner simmer in the ring, Foley's music hits and Stacy does some cartwheels, as if to say, "Look at MY panties.  And let's all please try to forget Scott's man-thong."

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Backstage: Test and Steiner are shouting at Eric Bischoff, telling him that this can't be happening, he has to fix it.  Bischoff says, OK, OK, he got gas-faced by Linda McMahon, but now, he's gonna go straight to Vince and figure this out.  Test and Steiner leave, mildly placated, when a disembodied voice from off-screen says, "You're not really gonna call Vince, are you?"  Bischoff looks 30 degrees to the left of the camera and says, No, he's not calling Vince.  He's gonna fix this himself.  Whaaaa?

Val Venis and Lance Storm vs. La Resistance

Mick Foley is out to do color commentary, as a bonus.  He is "drunk with power" and is liking this deal where he can fire people.  King wonders if he'll have another drink soon.  Another ultra-quick-feeling tag match, with Storm and Val controlling much of the way and winning with a rousing version of the old Hart Attack double-team clothesline.

After the match:  Mick Foley, who had been making anomalously positive comments about La Resistance throughout the match, got on a house mic, and said that even though they lost, La Resistance fought a good fight, and that Foley respects that.  Further, America is the home of free speech, and also of forgiveness, and Foley thinks fans will accept La Resistance if they do just one little thing for him: join him in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.  Rob Conway sort of mumbles his way through it half-heartedly, and Rene Dupree has no idea what the hell is going on.  Foley immediately called Conway on his lack of enthusiasm and Dupree on his taunting while everybody else was playing along, and announced "Au Revoir."  Which is French for "You're Both Fired."  Swerve!

Backstage: More Trish, this time with Jericho.  They've got a mixed tag match tonight, but both seem more interested in what will come after the match.  Trish has never felt like this before, and Jericho assures her, he knows, because he feels the same way.  And that Trish:  she's all hands!  Finally, they realize they've got a wrestling match next, and they should probably focus on that for a couple minutes...

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Chris Jericho and Trish Stratus vs. Rico and Miss Jackie

Forget chivalry, it's guys first in this one.  Jericho and Rico start up with about 2-3 solid minutes before Rico decides he's tired of getting his ass handed to him by Y2J (who is busting out some of the old school babyface riffs here), and tags in Jackie.  Per the rules, that means Trish is automatically in.  I wish I could say this was "solid," too, except that that'd be stretching things a bit.  This was more like June 2002 in a couple of spots, if you catch my drift, as Jackie had to be on offense to tell the necessary story, but didn't quite seem to be able to do so plausibly.  Trish did her best to sell the babyface in peril, routine, though, and eventually (mercifully) it was time for the hot tag to  Jericho.  More Babyface O' Fire from Jericho, who has not gotten to play those licks in over two years, now!  He's unloading on Rico for a minute or two until the guys decide to powder out (Jericho wipes Rico out with a plancha to the outside), leaving Trish and Jackie to finish up.  Trish is fully recovered, and hits her headstand headscissors on Jackie first, and finishes off with the Stratusfaction Bulldog for the pinfall win.  Jericho's in the ring to celebrate with Trish.  And by "celebrate" in this case, I mean "lots of Meaningful Eye Contact and hugging."
 
Backstage: Bischoff is again ranting to his off-screen disembodied voice about some rumor he heard.  The camera pans back to reveal Kane, who wants to know "What rumor is that?".  Bischoff says it's the rumor that Mick Foley, who has had a salty past with Kane and is drunk with power, wants to take away Kane's PPV title shot.  Before you get even vaguely interested in this development, I'll tell you straight away: it's never mentioned again all night.  So what was the point? 

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Matt Hardy vs. Christian

We come back from a break, and Matt's already in the ring, but the production team has the good manners to show us the RAW version of Matt's entrance and exactly one (1) Matt Fact, at least (Matt is Much Better Looking Than Christian).  Action is actually really good here, but the crowd goes south after about three (3) minutes, and even tries a "boring" chant.  I could try to be all smart about it and do a diatribe about how I just don't see Christian as all that strong a babyface at this point, and how whatever cheers he's been getting were actually cheers for Lita, but that he's still essentially a heel wrestling another heel in this match.  But instead, I'll blame Lawler, because I'm a small, petty man with a chip on his shoulder.  It's King's fault because while these two were trying to have a good match, he was going on at length about the 8 millimeters of green thong Lita was showcasing at ringside.  Good lord.  Anyway, finish had Molly Holly running out and launching Lita into the steel ringsteps.  Christian immediately got concerned and went over to check on her, at which point Matt rolled him up from behind for the pinfall win.  Matt won the match, but the cameras linger on Christian, who lovingly helps Lita to her feet on the outside.

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Jerry Lawler vs. Jonathan Coachman

JR has just enough time to mention that "King's not getting paid by the hour tonight" -- but not nearly enough time to confide that this alleged match was "bowling shoe ugly" -- before Lawler hits the flying fist drop and gets the pinfall win.  Coach is fired.  Lawler grabs a mic, and leads the crowd in seranading Coach with the "Na na nah na, na na nah na, hey hey hey, Goodbye" song.  Then JR -- who I have officially decided I would be forced to (respectfully, of course) karate chop in the throat if I ever saw him at a karaoke bar -- joined in.  Bowling shoes, people.  Bowling shoes.

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Power to the People: footage of fans passing around the Bring Back Stone Cold Petition is shown, and JR and King have a helpful graphic and addresses (both postal and e-mail) for people at home who'd like to have their voice heard.  No word on whether or not you get complimentary Steve Austin Friendship Bracelets for signing.

Backstage: Jericho and Christian are talking, and casually, Christian mentions that tonight's the night that he wins "The Bet."  [Whoa, so that's it?  Just out of thin air like that?]  Jericho wants to know what makes Christian so sure... and Christian talks about how he just saved Lita and was all supportive and stuff, but all Jericho's doing is making kissy faces and talking about feelings with Trish.  Plus, Trish is a prude, but Lita is X-Treme!  Christian produces one dollar (Canadian) that says he'll tag Lita before Jericho does Trish.  Jericho, brimming with confidence, declares that Christian's way off base and that after tonight, the Paris Hilton Sex Tape will look like nothing compared to next week's Highlight Reel.  And the camera, conveniently, pulls back out of their locker room to reveal that Trish Stratus had been outside, waiting to give Chris her personalized hockey jersey, and that she heard every word.  She fake weeps the tears of half-sadness, half-humiliation...

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Batista, Randy Orton, Kane vs. Goldberg, Shawn Michaels, Rob Van Dam

Fan favorites get on top early, with RVD topping Orton to start.  But then, Orton tagged out and RVD did a mini-Ricky Morton run before warm-tagging Shawn Michaels.  Michaels did a heat sequence, taking out both Orton and Batista... but while the ref was restoring order, Kane snuck up on HBK and took him out with a chokeslam.  Michaels is out, Batista and Orton are both still down.  With a break in the action, we look at some....

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Back, and Michaels is in the ring, and now Batista (who was legal throughout) is in control.  The heels take turns controlling for a few minutes, but now that we've taken our last break and it's after 11pm, it's only a matter of time... yep, Michaels powers up and makes the hot tag to Goldberg.  Orton and Batista are mincemeat.  And Goldberg wants Kane.  Kane's cool with that and (rudely) tags himself in by slapping the prone Orton on the chest.  Goldberg gets an edge, but as soon as that happen, Orton and Batista are in to break it up.  So RVD and HBK jump in, too, and its a Pier Sixer.  Kane and Goldberg brawl out into the crowd and go up one aisle.  HBK and Batista do the same thing, but on the opposite side of the arena.  That leaves RVD and Orton in the ring.  There's a ref bump, and when RVD gains control, Flair interferes.  But RVD dispatches Ric, and manages to hit a Five Star Frog Splash... no ref?  That's OK, because here's Mick Foley out to count to three.  RVD pins Orton.

After the match:  Eric Bischoff storms to ringside as RVD and Orton evaporate.  It's main event promo time.  Bischoff declares that Foley has really gone off the deep end, and that Steve Austin was a better GM, because even if he was rude and crude, he was at least competent.  Unlike Foley, who has "decimated" the RAW roster and sent five valuable talents scurrying over to Paul Heyman's SD!.  But Foley's grinning the Cheshire Grin, and I think he just might have an ace up his sleeve....  but not quite.  Foley says he hasn't sent anybody over to SD! because he's not really going to sign the release papers.  He was just trying to send a message to Bischoff by acting like Bischoff has been acting for months.  Foley swears he really does have the best interests of the fans in mind, where as Bischoff only has his own interests in mind.  

To that end, Foley says there's two things he wants to do for the fans.  One, he's making next week's RAW main event a one-on-one match between Kane and Goldberg.  But that's for the fans in (insert city here).  For the fans right here in Sacramento (cheap pop), he's got another surprise, what they've been waiting for all night.  Bischoff asks "And what is that?".  And Bischoff eats a right hand from Mick.  The beat down commences, and Mr. Socko makes an appearance and dives straight down Bischoff's gullet.  RAW ends with Foley soaking up a huge ovation.

Final Thoughts

What can I say?  I'm a Foley mark in every good sense of the word "mark."  His appearance from out of left field instantly made this show special and memorable in a way that would have been impossible without him.

But was this the strongest show it could have been?  Absolutely, unequivocally not.

It was an easy show.  A breezy show.  An effortless show.  At times, though, a lazy show, though, too.  It's not like the creative team made huge, huge mistakes... but it did feel to me (at almost every point over the course of two hours), like they had a sense of "Hey look, it's Mick!  You'll eat that up!  So we won't put much thought into anything else.  You won't notice!"  But I did.

Even Mick's participation was a bit on the careless side...  I'm not asking for a deeply complex yet logical explanation for his presence, but the drivel they served up about Vince McMahon's "diminished faculties" (or whatever it was) was insufficient, and if anything, raised more questions than it answered.  Here's one: "Does this mean Mick's a consultant for SmackDown, too, since that's where Vince is doing his over-acting these days?"  It sort of seemed like the way it was explained, Mick should be.  But I bet he's not.

And what about the "I was just kidding" ending with Foley saying he didn't really fire anybody?  Could that have been any lazier of a tactic?  Seriously, when Bischoff was lobbing his accusations about Foley "decimating the RAW roster," I was thinking, "Oh, holy shit, this is gonna be good:  Foley fired those guys, but he did it because he's bringing in some new guys."  A little more RAW/SD! roster shuffling or even (I dared to dream) some sort of new acquisition, I thought.  And then Mick just said, "Oh, that?  I was just joking around.  I'm not firing anyone."  Talk about the wind going out of my sails. And talk about jumping back to the Unanswered Questions thing, such as: "If Test's not really fired, then is Stacy not really emancipated?".  It just the sort of thing that seemed seat-of-the-pants and not at all well-thought-out. 

And obviously, I was completely unsatisfied with the Trish/Jericho resolution.  Or perhaps "resolution" is the wrong word.  It's my understanding that everybody is just waiting for the storyline to pick up again next week with a (I hope I'm picking the right title of a retarded teen chick flick) "She's All That" vibe.  You know the story: guy only pretends to like girl to win a bet, guy really falls for girl, guy gets called on the carpet for making the bet, guy loses girl, guy goes to extraordinary lengths to win girl back.  I may not be sure what the actual movie that followed that script was called, but I know I saw it incompetently parodied in "Not Another Teen Movie."

Most of me is mostly just furious at myself for getting wrapped up in a soap opera side story when that's not usually what I get into on my rasslin' shows.  But seriously: they did such a deft job of keeping it genuine that it was somehow fresh and engrossing and real compared to most pro wrestling stories.  So I was upset that they, out of left field, tossed out that Jericho/Christian backstage bit talking about "The Bet." I knew all along, even with all my tittering housewife-style obsession with the Jericho/Trish romance, that a Jericho heel re-turn was not just possible, but likely.  But as they paid more and more attention to the storyline and got me more and more engrossed, I feel like they should also have made the eventually revelation of Jericho's (and Christian's) true goals that much more cataclysmic.  The backstage conversation between the two was the "out" that they could have done 2 months ago, when nobody really cared.  Last night, the bombshell should have been dropped in much more devastating fashion, not just in an afterthought of a vignette.

And if it wasn't an "out," but actually is a segue into the stupid teen movie portion of our storyline, well, I'm no happier about it, really.  Again, what I liked was the genuiness (genuity?  genuinosity?) of Trish and Jericho's interaction.  If asked to accept unreasonable chick flick-inspired archetypes, I will probably just go back to what I should have been doing in the first place: not caring about frilly side stories.  It's no longer a deal where you see reflections of how real people might act... it's a deal where WWE is trying assert its claim to the "entertainment" half of "Sports Entertainment" by doing a romanticized b-movie storyline that I, personally, will have a very hard time relating to or caring about.  Jericho really fell for Trish, but only after he decided to use her as a pawn in a bet?  And then she found out about it?  Then it's time for Jericho to take his medicine and move on and not waste my time or Trish's with his protestations.  It's real life, Junior, not "She's All That."  Or at least, it should have been.  Maybe it still will be.  I don't know.  But I'm not feeling as optimistic or as interested as I was 24 hours ago.

Anyway, my point was that the show, for all it's fast-paced fun, was also one that didn't seem to build on the carefully-planted seeds of past weeks, and instead tried to distract us with fun surprises and twists in some spots and tried to simply tread water in others.  The closest we came to sustaining logical forward momentum in a lingering storyline was in the Booker T vs. Mark Henry deal, and of course, that's the one that couldn't end soon enough for me, personally.

Between the twisty nature of the show and the plain fact that I, and most fans, are essentially putty in Mick Foley's hands, last night's was a show where I honestly was on the edge of my seat, anxious to see what happens next for almost all of the two hours.  It's just that at most points along the way, after I saw what happened next, I couldn't help but hear a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me, "What just happened sure could have been better."

I am, to borrow on of JR's favorite terms, "conflicted."  Maybe it's best to just admit I did have kind of a fun time watching the show and wait till my other concerns get addressed next week to see if they really are concerns or if everything will sort itself out once we see the next chapter....

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