by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com

So let's see how they did...

Requisite Vignette: Vince over-voices a Martin Luther King tribute to open the show.

Cold Open: We are in a locker room, and Jonathan Coachman is standing on a chair to address the assembled 15 men (I won't run them down, you'll be able to figure them out for yourself soon enough).  He says these are the men that are lucky enough to be going to the Royal Rumble match, and because Eric Bischoff is "away on important business" this week, he (the Coach) has been appointed Interim GM.  Hey, at least that means he can't commentate, right?  Right?!?  Anyway, Coach and Bischoff have concocted a plan for tonight: because SD! has already claimed the #1 entry slot to the Rumble, RAW has decided to claim a number for itself, namely #30.  Tonight, these 15 men will battle in singles, tag, and three-way match, and the winners will advance to a main event Battle Royal, where the last man standing will receive #30.  Jericho tries to poor a big, tall glass of Continuity down our throats by reminding Coach of his still-pending Survivor Series Favor, but no dice, he'll have to qualify like everyone else.  Oh, and no interference in any of the Advancement Matches, or else you're out of the Rumble entirely....  everybody better go get ready and check the list of matches, because they start.... NEXT!  The 15 men leave the room half-grumbling, half-boasting that this is their shot....

Opening theme/pyro/etc., and a welcome from Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who admit that Coach's little plan seems like it's pretty interesting before kicking it to the ring...

BOOKER T/ROB VAN DAM vs. CHRISTIAN/MATT HARDY (Advancement Match)

Announcers start with mild awe that Jericho is not Christian's partner, and JR says that for all the battles Christian and Hardy had as opposing team members in TLC matches, this might be the first time they've been partners (I think he's wrong, though; didn't they work together in the Lita Mess right after Matt jumped?).  Pretty good stuff out of the gate, fast start for the faces till the heels isolate on Booker and start working well as a team.  Finally, a hot tag to RVD after about 5 minutes, and it's barely-contained chaos for several minutes as Van Dam cleans some house, then seemingly gets caught in a double team, only to be saved by a cool double-scissors kick from Booker when Christian and Matt both put their heads down in anticipation of double back body-dropping RVD.  RVD follows up with a Five Star Frog Splash on Matt Hardy for the pinfall win.  Probably about 7-8 minutes, total, and a good way to start the show, and to convey the idea that these advancement matches are kind of unique and special (by having an unlikely partnership involved).

BULLETIN!  BULLETIN!:  Somebody whispered in JR's ear that tonight's scheduled Scott Steiner vs. Goldberg one-on-one match would now be a Steiner vs. Goldberg vs. Test Triple Threat Match, with only the winner advancing to the #30 Battle Royal.  Suspicions mount as to the motivation...

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Ah, Crap: Jonathan Coachman is out on commentary.  How is he supposed to Generally Manage from out here?  Well, I guess the entire show was already "booked" when he made the advancement match, so...  and to be fair to the guy, he once again halved his annoyance factor this week.  Either that, or I'm just getting used to it.  I thought his heelishness was more "on task," at least (saying something that obviously contradicted what was really happening in the ring just to be difficult, most times, as opposed to the last few weeks when he'd say something that had nothing to do with anything that was happening in the ring or anywhere else on the show, for that matter).  Bottom line: Coach was out here most of the night, and there's no way you could point to the commentary as a seriously weak link on this show.

CHRIS JERICHO vs. RENE DUPREE (Advancement Match)

If there was any doubt as to Jericho's ability to work as a face, it should have been erased in this match.  Huge fan support and "Y2J" chants as he spent a middle portion of the match getting beat down by Dupree (who for his part also got good heat with his prancing around that continues to remind me of Rick Martel, circa 1993).  But that didn't last, and Jericho got the submission win after rolling through a schoolboy into the Walls of Jericho.  Probably about 4 minutes: short, but effective.

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Backstage: Jericho is toweling off after his match, and Christian comes up to him to congratulate him.  And also to commiserate about how he lost his own shot at #30 even though he didn't even get pinned in his advancement match.  Jericho senses there's something else Christian wants to ask, and tells him "Out with it, Junior."  Christian says he wants Jericho to use his Favor to let Christian replace him in the #30 Battle Royal later tonight.  Jericho thinks he's joking, but Christian's serious: "I'm the guy who helped you fool Shawn Michaels last year at the Rumble, and I'm the guy who you later tossed out of the Rumble and didn't say anything about it.  I'm the guy who took you out last week and got you laid so you could forget all about Trish Stratus.  And I'm the guy who's never had a shot at the World Title, but you have, Chris, so c'mon, I'm really serious."  Jericho seems to sincerely consider this for about 2 seconds before replying that he appreciates what Christian has done for him and that his chance will come, he's just gotta keep plugging away.  But Jericho's tasted the gold, and this is his chance to get it back, so this is one favor the Jericho can't grant his buddy.  Jericho says he's sure Christian understands, but the look on Christian's face suggests otherwise....

Video Package: everything you need to know about Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels, structured around soundbites from last week's Big Promo.  A nicely done piece, and although this was the only appearance by either HHH or HBK all night, I think it was all RAW needed to do to hype the PPV match.  If the kick-ass match they had three weeks ago and the seven years of history aren't enough, then you aren't really a wrestling fan, anyway...

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MARK HENRY vs. RICO (Advancement Match)

Rico doesn't even get an entrance, though he gets about 90 seconds of comedic one-ups-manship to open the match (riding Mark Henry in a suggestive fashion, kissing Teddy Long's bald head, etc.).  Then Henry takes over, and it's pretty much a done deal.  The final spot was Henry dead-lifting Rico's carcass from the mat into the World's Strongest Slam, which is about the first time that move has looked anything like a finisher.  Maybe 2 minutes long, with shortness basically the only thing this match had to recommend it.

Paid Advertisement: The Friends and Supporters of Randy Orton.  You've seen it already.

Backstage: Randy Orton is participating in Product Placement, when Ric Flair walks in with Batista.  They banter briefly about Foley, Flair/Batista's feud with the Dudleys, and then move on to important matters.  Apparently, HHH has a Master Plan that involves an All-Evolution Main Event at WrestleMania XX.  So that means tonight, Randy will win his advancement match, win the #30 battle royal, then win the Royal Rumble, and at WMXX, it'll be (in his words) "just like Hulk Hogan vs. the Ultimate Warrior at WM6: Champion vs. Champion."  And Orton assures his, the honor would be all his to face a man of HHH's caliber.

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KANE vs. SPIKE DUDLEY (Advancement Match)

Here's one case of how Coach was relatively on-task tonight. Even as Kane started putting an ass-whupping on Spike, even as JR said that Spike didn't have a chance in hell, that Coach sent him out there as a sacrificial lamb, Coach countered (straight-faced) by saying that Spike was matching Kane blow-for-blow and had a very good chance of advancing tonight.  Not rocket science, but definitely a lot closer to Bobby Heenan (my idea of the archetypical pure-heel commentator) than the whatever-the-fuck crap Coach had been spewing, so that's good.  Of course, this banter only lasted for about 60 seconds.  In the midst of Kane's sound beat down on Spike, the one from which Spike had no chance of escaping, the ref got turned around as Kane and Spike were tied up in the ropes... then Spike shoved him hard.  The ref, assuming Kane (who was in control and had already gotten in his face once) pushed him, called for the bell.  Spike wins by DQ.  Seriously, barely a minute long.  After the match, Kane puts a 2 minute beating on Spike, though, and his participation in the #30 Battle Royal is in question.  Pretty effective segment, I thought.

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GOLDBERG vs. TEST vs. SCOTT STEINER (Advancement Match)

Coach: "Test and Scott assured me that they are out for themselves and won't be teaming up against Goldberg in this match."  Reality: Steiner and Test spend the opening five minutes double-teaming Goldberg every chance they get.  Goldberg gets his rallies in, of course, but the 2-on-1 vibe is what we go with for the majority of the match.  Then, the inevitable: heel miscommunication results in Test Big Booting Steiner.  Then Steiner pulls Test off Goldberg when Test seemingly has the match won.  Then Steiner and Test's in-fighting gives Goldberg the break he needs.  Steiner locks in the Shitty Camel Clutch (a/k/a "Steiner Recliner"), but this time, Test Big Boots him on purpose to prevent Goldberg from tapping out.  But Test wastes valuable seconds taunting Steiner, giving Goldberg time to pop up.  Spear, Jackhammer, and Test is pinned.  Maybe 7-8 minutes, and outside of the requisite sloppiness from Steiner, pretty much OK throughout (good heat, decent drama).

At the Desk: JR runs down the men who have qualified for the #30 Battle Royal (Goldberg, Jericho, Henry, Booker, RVD, and Spike), and says "That leaves only one spot left."  I think that was supposed to be Coach's chance to jump on a Randy Orton tangent, but he fails to catch the cue, so JR and King have to prod him (JR: "You got anything you want to add, Coach?", Lawler: "Yeah, earlier today you wouldn't shut up about Randy Orton, for instance").  Finally, Coach got the message, did a little speech where he put Orton over big, and then kicked it to...

Another Paid Advertisement: This one was different, and actually had me chuckling at times.  It was as much an effective lampooning of negative campaign ads as it was a rah-rah piece for Orton, so it actually hit on two counts.  In either case, the fact that Orton's best talking is being done by That Voiceover Guy instead of by Orton is not a great sign...

Backstage by the Monitor: Steve Austin finishes watching the latest from FASORO, shakes his head in disbelief, and revs up the ATV for a trip to the ring....

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BIG ASS STEVE AUSTIN PROMO

Austin drives on down to the ring, does the victory lap, and finally gets in the ring to talk.  Today's topic, Mick Foley.  Austin says he doesn't understand where Foley's head is at.  He says the Foley he knew wouldn't have walked away from Orton a month ago, and certainly would have answered his challenge last week.  He says that Mick Foley is too good for that, and that when Orton spits in Foley's face, he spits in the face of This Business, in the face of Steve Austin, and in the face of everything Good and Right About Wrestling.  So: Austin wants to set Foley straight.  Foley is ordered by Sheriff Austin to show up at the Royal Rumble PPV, and if he doesn't he'll be breaking Austin's Law, and that (attempted catchphrase warning) is "Something You Just Don't Do."  Bottom line, blah blah blah, drink some beers, everybody laps it up.  Good segment, drives home the idea that we really need to be concerned about Foley the Coward, and should make the return of Foley the Legend that much cooler when it does happen.

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Backstage: We apparently interrupt a Molly/Trish conversation in progress (except that Molly clearly waited until the red light was one before she started her "in mid-thought" sentence, which was kind of awkward).  Something about Trish never winning the Women's Title.  Before sparks fly, Christian walks up and says he doesn't want any trouble, he just wants to talk to Trish.  Exit Molly.  Christian says he knows how Trish feels about Jericho; Trish responds with half-hope, half-surprise, and half-suspicion to give us a full 150% of "Oh, you do?".  Christian says, yes, he sure does.  Pregnant pause.  He knows Trish never wants to see Jericho again as long as she lives.  Right?  Trish's mouth says, "Um, yeah, that's right," but every other part of her says her mouth is lying.  But Christian's on a roll: he tells Trish that's OK, cuz Jericho doesn't want to see Trish again either.  Jericho's so over Trish, and Christian has the pictures (taken on his hi-tech cell phone) to prove it.  We don't see the pix, but from Christian's narration, we are to assume Jericho had a blast at a Gentlemen's Club, and even took home a girl by the name of Alexus.  Christian again asks Trish, "Well, this is what you wanted, right? Jericho getting over you and moving on?"  Trish tries to put on the poker face and say, "Yep, that's what I wanted," but again, it's obvious to just about everyone (and, I'm assuming to that vengeful no-#30-getting bastard) that it's not what she wanted at all.  Christian says "Alrighty then, everybody's happy," and walks away, still browsing through more pictures.  On his way out of the frame, he chuckles and says, "Whoa!  I forgot all about the midgets!" for a nice punchline to the bit.  Christian is the MVP of the Jericho/Trish storyline tonight...  good work in both his two bits.

LITA vs. JAZZ (NOT An Advancement Match)

The only non-Rumble-related match of the night, this was Coach booking a match to see Lita get beat up by a sista, or something.  I don't know, it was the only time Coach started to grate on my nerves.  Jazz in charge early, Lita makes a comeback, Lita on the brink of victory when Teddy Long distracts her... Jazz sneaks up from behind, rolls Lita up with a handful of tights, and gets the pinfall win.  A very sound 4 minutes of wrestling.

Backstage: Terri interviews the Hurricane, who is Randy Orton's opponent in the final Advancement Match.  Hurricane starts off in usual stilted superhero cadance, and then drops it, and goes into his Serious Voice.  He knows the odds are against him, that nobody believes he can ever main event at WrestleMania, but HE believes, dammit.  He believes in himself.  Hurricane walks away, and Terri deadpans to the camera, "It is the WWE, and Anything truly Can Happen."  A nice touch, for certain, but I'm not sure how many people it convinced....

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Video Package: Randy Orton's Wild Ride from last week, condensed down to about 3 minutes.  Hilariously (to me, anyway), even when they got to chop up, cut down, and edit this to make Orton look as bad-ass as humanly possible, they STILL left in one of his god-awful verbal fuck-ups (the one where he says Mick can come to the arena to "Rectify the cowardness that has never been displayed in the history of WWE," whereby Orton invented a new word and defied all logical causation).  Seriously, it was not vital to the piece, I don't think, so why would the Fed PURPOSELY make Orton sound like a moron in a package that's probably going to be recycled for the entire next week (including on the PPV).

RANDY ORTON vs. HURRICANE (Advancement Match)

For all his big talk, Hurricane didn't do much here except get his ass kicked.  I can't recall if there was much more than one brief flurry of offense for Hurricane (at the very end, where he hit a big flying high cross body for a near fall), that was immediately ended by Orton pulling the RKO out of his ass for the pinfall win.  Maybe 3 minutes, tops, but Hurricane made Orton look good, and put over the idea that he wasn't just BS'ing about an "All-Evolution Main Event" at WMXX.

After the match: Flair and Batista came out to celebrate with Randy... and Rosey came out to check on his little buddy.  Flair, Orton, and Batista didn't much like that, so they started to put a beating on Rosey.  The Dudleys came out to the rescue!  They get over on Evolution, and even set up a table, with Flair positioned to get 3-D'ed through it... but just as an indignant Coach grabs a house mic to declare "Not tonight, not on my watch!", Batista yanks Flair to safety and Evolution leaves the ring.  Coach keeps castigating the Duds, however, telling them he's going to turn his back and count to 3, and when he turns around, he wants the Dudleys and their table gone from the ring.  You know how this ended up: Coach counts to three, and turns around into a big 3-D through the table.  The Duds celebrate to a nice big pop.

Backstage: Jericho and Mark Henry are chatting.  Henry doesn't think a Little Man like Jericho can toss a Strong Man like Mark.  Jericho says the only thing strong about Henry is the stench.  Mark declares that that's "his Stank."  Further, Henry tells Jericho that if he ever gets within sniffing distance of Trish again in his life, he'll smell his Stank on her.  Or something.  I mean, did I fall asleep and miss the 2 months where Trish had a torrid romance with Mark Henry?  Just an utter "What the Fuck?" of a vignette.  Purest nonsense.

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Royal Rumble Preview Time: first JR and King briefly go over the RAW side of the Rumble PPV, then they kick it over to a pre-taped studio piece with Tazz and Cole running down the SD! side.  I'll not repeat any of it here, since you should already know the story.

#30 BATTLE ROYAL (Part One)

First, JR confirms that Spike Dudley is out of the match due to injuries suffered at the hands of Kane...  then, Lillian explained the rules (six men enter, five are eliminated over the top rope with both feet hitting the floor, last man standing is #30 in the Rumble)... then, Chris Jericho made his entrance, and then....

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BATTLE ROYAL FOR #30 IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE

Within the first minute or so, Booker T saw an opening when RVD was dazed near the ropes, and kicked him over the top for the first elimination.  While RVD yelled up at Booker and Booker made the international signal for "Every Man For Himself," Jericho had enough time to sneak up and toss Booker out, too.  Just like that, we're down to four.  Henry and Orton form a tenuous alliance to deal with the babyfaces, and do a pretty decent job keeping them subdued for a couple minutes.   Jericho and Orton had a nice exchange where Jericho went over first, but skinned the cat and came back to toss Orton over (who also did a modified version of skinning the cat to stay un-eliminated).  Eventually, Henry and Orton got Jericho alone long enough to toss him out over the top, leaving them alone with Goldberg at about the 5 minute mark.  Eventually, Henry and Orton started in-fighting after Goldberg had been knocked down.  Orton had Henry partially elevated in a corner, and when Goldberg recovered enough, he got a running start and slammed into the pile, forcing Henry over the top rope.  Down to one-on-one, Evolution came out to support Orton, but they only briefly distracted Goldberg.  Essentially, they were there to play wide receiver: Goldberg speared Orton, then press slammed him over his head, paraded him around the ring, and then dumped him into the waiting arms of Flair and Batista.  Goldberg wins a pretty amusing Battle Royal after 8 minutes of work, does the Facial Tics of Doom in celebration of winning #30 as we fade out.

FINAL ANALYSIS

Pretty good show, all around.  Take out Mark Henry (whose match against Rico and whose "Stank" were pretty much two things you could have taken out and nobody would have missed them), and the show's about as good as it could have been, given the foundation the Fed had laid and the personnel available.

Sure, they could have blown us away with something big on the Foley front, or a major angle with Shawn/HHH, or something... but I think most people understand the Foley story and the HBK/HHH feud, and so putting so much emphasis on the Rumble match itself was a wise move.  

And as a tool to get the Rumble match over, RAW definitely succeeded.  You couldn't watch this show and not walk away with an appreciation for how important #30 was, how it could pave the way to a WM main event.  By association, the storytelling also got Goldberg over in a big way: both his wins were essentially 1-on-2 wins (first against Test/Steiner, then against Orton/Henry), which is the way to handle him.  Make him as much of as ass-kicking machine as possible.

They even tied in the Jericho/Christian/Trish thing really nicely: it all went back to the #30 battle royal and how Christian couldn't get Jericho to cede his spot in it.  Very nice, very seamless.  The Duds vs. Flair/Batista even got its moment in the sun, without seeming shoe-horned in, either, as the aftermath of Orton's advancement match.

Super-duper blow-away show?  Nah.  But a very good pre-PPV edition of RAW that did nothing but increase my interesting in the Royal Rumble?  Yes to that.  Probably a nice mid- to upper-3 rating when BotB time rolls around....

More fall-out and thoughts tomorrow in OO...

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