by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com

The table was set.  The ducks were on the pond.  The pig was in the poke.  The floover was fully gorgonzollaed.  Or something.

Point is, RAW was loaded up and ready to deliver something like its 11th consecutive good show, and even had the chance to match up nicely against last week's tremendous Free Per View outing.  How'd it all end up?  Read on...

Video Package: Majestic and noble music guides us through the better parts of Benoit vs. Michaels.  Evil music and violent snap cuts remind us of how Triple H spoiled it all.

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we are live from San Jose, CA, where Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are not shy about telling us how awesome tonight's show is gonna be.  Five big matches, and none bigger than this one starting us out...

Triple H vs. Shelton Benjamin

HHH tried a sneak attack to start things, but Shelton had him scouted and turned it into a series of dodging armdrags.  Then Shelton settled in for some offense.  In fact, it was all Shelton, who worked his way into either 3 or 4 near falls before finally, HHH hit a move: he ducked a Stinger Splash.  Soon there after, he tossed Shelton from the ring and began showboating...  and that's the end of that story.  Shawn Michaels ran out and began pummeling HHH.  Aggressively and relentlessly.  It took about a half dozen officials to finally pull Shawn off, at which point HHH scuttled out into the crowd to escape.  Maybe 3 minutes, tops, with no decision rendered (notice: that means if it ever comes up again, Shelton can still claim an undefeated record against HHH).  The show-opening slot and the Shawn run-in is EXACTLY what I expected, but I could probably have gone for a bit more of an actual match here (HHH's only really got one offensive move the whole segment)... then again, it's a loaded show, so some things gotta be shortened up.

After the match: Michaels got back in the ring and taunted HHH, and asked him to get "his butt" back in the ring so they could settle this TONIGHT.  But then Eric Bischoff came out on the stage, and immediately declared that he had no intentions of losing control of his show.  So with the permission of Vince McMahon, he decided before the show started that he'd Make An Example Of the first person who acted up.  That person is Shawn Michaels.  Bischoff calls security out to escort Michaels out of the arena, and announces that Michaels is suspended indefinitely!  Just as security starts heading to the ring, Michaels hops into the crowd and finds HHH for some more brawling.  Bischoff's security eventually tracks the two down and peels HBK off, and starts shoeing him out of the building so he can begin his suspension like a good little boy.

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Video Package: Orton's celebratory promo after beating Foley.  Edge's interruption of said promo.  Other stuff.  Orton vs. Edge: Later TONIGHT!

Backstage: we're in the Evolution Locker Room where they've just gotten done watching the Orton/Edge package.  And Ric Flair is in full Pep Talk mode.  Orton will show Edge later tonight.  Then he does HHH: you're still the man, and with HBK gone, the sky's the limit.  Then finally Batista: up next, you're gonna squash that [bleeeeeeeep, but I think Naitch was actually dumb enough to say "Jap bastard," or at least "Jap" and two more syllables].  Batista, in what seemed like an unnecessary non sequitur at the time, announced he would just beat Tajiri, he'd make sure he didn't even walk out of the ring tonight.  The punchline thus delivered, Eric Bischoff picked that moment to conveniently interrupt.  After inquiring as to HHH's health, he casually dropped the bomb that, to make things right, next week, HHH would "have the opportunity to fight for the World Heavyweight Title."  Evolution likey.  JR has just enough time to register shock before we cut to....

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Tajiri vs. Batista

Out of the gate, they do the tried and true Lumbering Big Man Gets Annoyed By Gnat-like Little Man dynamic, with Tajiri hitting quick moves and evading Batista's power game.  Tajiri then takes it outside, where he hits a couple cool and innovative ring-barrier-assisted moves... that, however, is also his downfall, as Batista finally reverses one and Tajiri crashes into the barrier.  Batista begins a focus on Tajiri's back for a few minutes before we hit the End Game.  Tajiri Tajiris Up out of a rest hold and fires off a few stiff kicks...  that flurry is stunted with a clothesline, but when Batista tries for his powerbomb, Tajiri turns it into a DDT.  Tajiri then sets up for the Buzzsaw Kick, but Batista blocks it and immediately yanks Tajiri in for a snap spinebuster.  1, 2, 3, and Batista is your winner in a relatively one-sided 4 minute match.  Pretty crisp action, though, although I kind think there must have been something else going on in the crowd during this one, cuz the live fans were making noises not aligned with stuff happening in the ring, which is too bad.

After the match: Batista continues the assault.  Ah, I get it, he's making good on his promise to Flair about not letting Tajiri walk away.  Another spinebuster.  A powerbomb.  And to close: a two handed choke that causes Tajiri to start leaking green liquid.  I hate the squashing of Tajiri, and could add on more bitching about how Lawler didn't help any in this match, but let's just say I expected this, and the closing bit with the leaking the green stuff was kind of cool: a minor touch, but being able to say that Tajiri was loading up the mist, but Batista choked it out of him is something you CAN'T do with any other guy, so it's cool someone had the forethought to do it in this case.  And yes, I know I'm stretching for reasons to not be furious, but I'm trying to be in a good mood....

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Diva Interlude

Stacy Keibler comes out and says with summer around the corner, all the ladies out there are gonna be showing off them hot, hot bodies.  And the WWE Divas are no exception!  So GO BUY THE DVD WHERE THEY GET TV-PG NAKED NOW!  For extra motivation, here's a montage of clips from the aforementioned placed-product!

But no!  Interrupting the video are Gail Kim and Molly Holly, who get in the ring and grab a mic.  Gail wants to know why she makes the Women's Champ tap out last week, and this week, it's Stacy who gets all the camera time!  Good point!  And then they just start blatantly putting words in Stacy's mouth, wondering where Stacy gets off declaring herself the Hottest Diva in the Universe, when they, themselves, are nothing to sneeze at!  Preach on!  And then they decide to forego the debate and just punch Stacy in the ovaries!  Well, OK, THAT was kinda mean.

Victoria ran out to kinda make the save, but was quickly countered by Jazz, who in turn was countered by Nidia in a special "Easter Egg" for anyone who actually watches Heat!  Six woman brawling, and eventually the faces get the upper hand and send the heels packing, and one thing seems pretty clear to me after this segment:  Stacy is like Andre the freaking Giant or something.  Seriously, I've met Stacy and Victoria out of these six, and Stacy wasn't THAT tall, nor was Victoria THAT short, and yet Stacy's like a foot taller than everybody in there.  WTF?  Just kidding: the actual "pretty clear" thing will probably be announced right after these...

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Connect the Dots Theater: Stacy, Victoria, and Nidia are chatting about something, while Jim Ross makes the inevitable announcement that another Major Match has just been signed for later tonight, when these three women will face Molly, Gail, and Jazz.

Backstage: Chris Jericho is interviewed by "Tough Questions" Todd Grisham, and quickly dismisses the first tough question (about Shawn Michaels getting dicked over) as stupid and pointless.  Because tonight is all about Chris Jericho getting into a cage with Christian and moving on to bigger and better things next week (and Jericho also mentions he's in line for a title shot next week?!?).  Christian should never have said he and Trish liked it rough, because tonight, Jericho's gonna show them just how rough he can get.  That probably sounds silly and kinky as you read it, but it sounded pretty intimidating when Jericho said it...

Randy Orton vs. Edge (IC Title Match)

In the Big Book of Formulaic Ways to Start a Wrestling Match, this one opts for #13b: slow, lots of feeling out, tying up with rope breaks, and so on.  Which leaves Lawler plenty of time to make non-stop mentions of how hot and sexy he thinks Randy Orton is.  I kid you not.  I think the guy's just got a problem: it's one thing to see hot girls and to lack the inner dialogue to maintain a normal, non-obnoxious outer demeanor, but it's another to be so ragingly omni-sexual that even the normally-staid Jim Ross broke out of character to joke about Lawler having a crush on Orton.  Man alive.  Pace finally picks up and Lawler gets back on task when Edge and Orton ramp it up with some brawling.  They even go outside the ring, where Edge finally ends the back-and-forthy with a sweet-ass bow-and-arrow around the ringpost (those Canadians with their ring-post-assisted moves!).  From there, Edge focused on Orton's back, including a regular bow and arrow in the ring, and other stuff.  Back outside, Edge sent Orton crashing back-first into the ringsteps, which brought a disputatious Ric Flair out from the back.  Flair was raising a stink, Edge was getting distracted, Orton was in intense pain, so let's break for...

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We come back, and Orton is in control.  A Double Feature of action during the break reveals that Flair interfered and helped Orton take control.  There's no real focus to Orton's attack, and he eventually settles on some kind of sloppy-looking submission hold.  Edge breaks it, but Orton goes back to it again for a couple more minutes.  I wish I could do a better description, but all I can think of is "Kinda Like a Cobra Clutch, Except It Doesn't Look Like It Hurts At All."  It wouldn't have annoyed me, except that he did go back to it twice for a total of what felt like way too long for a move that wasn't doing anything... anyway, Edge didn't help matters when he finally decided Enough With the Restholds and fired up.  The two blew the spot where Edge kicked Orton off, and had to kind of re-do it, so the ref could apply a double count.  Back on their feet, Orton takes control and tries a flying cross body, but Edge rolls through it for a near fall.  It's here that I notice that the fans are a bit more split than they should be: Orton has his fans out there.  Edge is en feugo, hitting a cool Spear Varient (and a la Tajiri, it involved the ring barrier for added pain), then a missile dropkick, and then a SWEET powerbomb as a reversal to an attempted (dropkick, I think) move by Orton.  Still only good for 2, but Flair has finally seen enough, and gets on the apron.  Edge is distracted, and Orton tries to strike from behind, but Edge dodges.  As Orton apologizes to Flair for almost RKO'ing him, Edge thinks he'll hit the spear from behind... but now Orton dodges, and Edge crashes into Flair.  A disoriented Edge gets up, immediately get rolled up by Orton (who adds in the requisite handful of tights), and is pinned.  Flair and Orton celebrate their cheap win in an pretty decent 15 minute match; weak resthold and missed spot aside, this built up to a REALLY hot finish, so I'm plenty pleased with things.

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Last Week: Eugene was trained by William Regal, and showed a remarkable proficiency for wrestling.

Backstage: Eugene is stretching out and warming up, as Regal supervises.  And up comes Uncle Eric Bischoff, who seems mighty annoyed by a big hug from nephew Eugene.  But Eric has business with Regal, and pulls him aside.  Bischoff says he never really intended for Eugene to get a full time job as a wrestler:  just an opportunity to get his sister off his case.  And if Eugene were to lose tonight, he'd be so despondent that he'd give up on his dream.  In case Regal is dense, Bischoff spells it out: if Eugene loses tonight, Bischoff will re-instate Regal as a member of the full-time wrestling roster.  Are we clear?  Regal says he understands and that he'll make sure "the best man wins."  Well: there are a BILLION logic holes created by this segment, but the fact is that for a  purely-entertainment, mid-card storyline like this, I'll roll with the punches instead of getting my britches in bunches.  A conflicted William Regal?  OK, let's see where this goes...

Molly Holly/Gail Kim/Jazz vs. Victoria/Stacy Keibler/Nidia

Victoria starts for her team, and is the only face who gets ring time.  The heels, on the other hand, all cycle in at some point.  First Jazz, who dominates Victoria.  Then Molly, who doesn't do so well, but quickly tags in Gail.  And Gail also isn't doing so hot until Molly interferes and helps her gain the advantage.  Gail quickly hits her big submission move from the last two weeks (again, no idiocy from Lawler, and JR tries to label it by declaring it a "satellite submission" or something).  That forces the other faces into action, and Stacy comes in to break the hold.  But that also causes chaos to break loose.  The four non-legal women quickly powder out to the floor, leaving Gail and Victoria still in the ring.  And Gail's bag o' tricks ain't empty, yet, cuz she busts out another (easily Orton-trumping) submission hold out of nowhere:  it's a high-torque half-crab with a chickenwing tossed in for good measure.  And guess what?  Victoria taps out.  Maybe 2 minutes, tops: not long enough to get pissy that the first parts were kinda weak, so let's just get ourselves interested in what ANOTHER tap out by the women's champ to Gail might mean...  I'm officially re-asserting my theory from yesterday: Molly will sabotage Gail's impending title shot, further establishing her delicious heelishness while turning Gail and her suddenly-voluminous submission moveset babyface.

SmackDown! Rebound:  I don't recap recaps.

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Backstage: interview time with Christian!  A "tough question" is easily countered by Christian, who announces that he's got no problems, because he's got a Problem Solver.  He predicts all sorts of dominating Jericho and winning the cage match, and then Baby Goes To Sleep (HEY!  I warned you about that, Xtian!).  And then next week, Bischoff has promised him a World Title Shot.  Huh?!?  Christian ends the interview on that mysterious note and goes off one way, but Trish decides she's got some other business to tend to over this direction...

Why I Still Heart Trish (Kubrick Segue): Trish has spied Lita over by catering, and wants to (giggle) check up on her old friend.  Trish is REALLY concerned about how Lita's holding up, and how creepy that Kane guy is.  Lita is just all simpering and jumpy, but finally seems to be getting under control just in time for... SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEM!  Trish can't believe her eyes, it's Kane!  He's right behind you!  He's coming right for us!  A terrified Lita starts stumbling around and screaming herself until she sees Trish is now laughing uproariously at her.  So mean.  So deserved.  Lita finally realizes she's been had and shows her first signs of life in about 3 weeks by charging Trish, but Matt Hardy and Christian are on the scene like lightning to pull them apart (with the requisite "Yo, you betta control yo bitch, sucka!" talk), because Matt and Lita have business in the ring, now.  

You know, they didn't mean for it to work like this, but I have a feeling this was just another chapter in the Big Book of Why Trish Isn't a Heel With Most Guys (Except For When She's Kicking Dudes in the Balls Because THAT is Never Cool): you see this bit, and which one of Lita and Trish would YOU rather hang out with?  If you said "weepy bad actor in the middle of a bunch of really retarded drama," you cannot be my friend.  Babyface or not, this new Lita is not buttering my corncob.  Heel or not, fun-loving if-slightly-mean-spirited Trish who doesn't suffer nonsense lightly is.  Deal.

Matt Hardy vs. Val Venis (Kind of)

Matt and Lita hit the ring on the heels of the just-finished backstage bit, and are ready for action... but not before a quick recap of last week's crap-a-thon between Lita and Kane.  Then, when Val's music hits, we instead get a close up of Kane on the TitanTron....

Turns out there will be no match tonight, because (as we can see in the background) Val Venis has been destroyed by Kane.  Instead, Kane just wants to deliver a message to Lita:  he says she has "one week" to give him an answer to some mysterious question that he asked her last week, I guess.  And if she doesn't come up with the right answer, there will be Big Trouble.  Lita again gets weepy.  Matt gets concerned.  The announcers get confused as to what The Mystery Question could be....

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Backstage: Eugene looks like he's battling some jitters, but Regal's there to deliver a pep talk.  Eugene listens, and finally, he believes!  He hugs William... and the camera pans around to give us a look at Regal's face: it's half-sad, half-something-else.  Throughout the rest of the night, JR would try to sell Regal as out for himself and out to screw Eugene and everything else was just pretend.  But *I* thought throughout the night, Regal was awesome at (to use one of JR's own favorite words) looking "conflicted."  Like he knew he had something bad to do, but didn't know if he could go through with it.  But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Eugene vs. Rob Conway

Big pop and crowd is hot for this.  Eugene's for real.  For now.  And he comes out strong, really playing up the Idiot Savant angle: he knows only one thing, and it's wrestling, as evidenced by a quick series of complex pinning combos right out of the gate against Conway.  However, during one of Eugene's celebrations, Conway gets his wits back and attacks from behind.  Boo!  When Conway starts taking liberties with Eugene (punching, pounding his head into the turnbuckle, other stuff that's not pure grappling), Eugene GOT ANGRY.  Fists of fury, and the crowd is eating up Crazy Punching Eugene!  Airplane spin, and Eugene goes up top to a massive pop to hit a double axe-handle.  Finally, Regal (who has again appeared conflicted in frequent close-ups during the match) casually reaches up and trips Eugene when he runs the ropes.  Eugene turns to confront Regal, and Conway charges from behind.  But Eugene sensed it coming and quickly reverses it into a cool bridging pin combo.  1, 2 (Regal tried to get in  the ring to break it up, but realizes he's too late and gives it up), 3!  Eugene wins!  After his half-hearted attempt to break up the pin, Regal resigns himself to half-heartedly celebrate the win with Eugene while JR accuses him of being in business only for himself (again, I think an oversimplification of a VERY effective acting job by Regal, one that adds more to his relationship with Eugene than a simple "constantly trying to sabotage the guy" vibe would).  Very effective 3 minute match, lots of fun, and I like the idea of going forward from here with Regal WANTING his old job back, but KNOWING that Eugene's a good kid who doesn't deserve to be screwed over because his uncle is a jack-ass.  But we'll see about that, won't we?

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Chris Benoit Music Video: as is the WWE Standard Practice, the music sucked, but they put together a nice montage of clips from Benoit's career.  The only Benoit we'd see all night...

Next Week on RAW: Eric Bischoff is out on the stage, and says, Speaking of Chris Benoit, he has a major announcement about the World Title.  But first, Apprentice Johnny Nitro gets to make a slightly lesser announcement:  next week on RAW, it'll be Trish vs. Lita, one on one.  Bischoff takes the mic back, and says HIS announcement is that next week, he's sanctioning a 20 Man Battle Royale, and the winner will get a shot at Chris Benoit's World Title at June's Bad Blood PPV.  I won't bother with the Free Per View label, but it's still nice to see them setting things up in advance and giving us a week to get excited for stuff.

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Hype for Next Week:  Bischoff is actually sitting in on commentary, as JR and King guide us through graphics of next week's scheduled action.  For the record, the 20 men in the Battle Royale as of last night at 10:55pm... in the back row: Rhyno, La Resistance, Stevie Richards, Grand Master Sexay (tee hee!), Johnny Nitro (? I think ?), and Garrison Cade.  In the second-to-last row: Shelton Benjamin, Rosey, Hurricane, Christian, Val Venis, Batista, Matt Hardy, and Edge.  Then in the "front line" (a little bigger than the other guys): Chris Jericho, Edge, Triple H, and Ric Flair.  And standing in the very front, all by himself and even bigger than the other front row guys: Randy Orton. Viva la DVR's Freeze Frame Option!  Bischoff then goes out of his way to note that Shawn Michaels ISN'T on the list, and WON'T be because he's suspended.  Then he leaves.  Thanks for the significant contribution, Eric...

Chris Jericho vs. Christian (Cage Match)

Lillian Garcia makes it clear that tonight's rules are that you can win by Pinfall, Submission, or Escape from the Cage.  Which means it's gonna be one of the first two, otherwise, they wouldn't have announced it.  JR also announces that we've taken our last ad break, so we're here for the long haul, which makes sense, since we're already brushing up against 11pm, and I want to get as much in-ring goodness as I can out of this match...

Jericho jumpstarts things by yanking Christian into the cage while he was busy outside primping with Trish and Tomko.  Jericho goes on a tear, and it only takes maybe 2-3 minutes before we start in with the teased escapes and top rope spots.  Jericho hits the first big spot, and decides to go out over the top of the cage.  But Tomko leaps into action, and grabs a chair, and keeps pounding the cage below where Jericho wants to climb down.  So Jericho is trapped on top of the cage.  In a cool moment, Jericho stops, gives us a kind of "Well, what the hell?" shrug, and decides to leap down onto Christian with a body block instead.  Sweet.  Then, hurting from his high risk move, Jericho tries crawling out the door for an escape... but again, Tomko is there, and slams the door in Jericho's face to stop him.  The outside ref ejects Tomko, but in the ring, the move was enough to give Christian the opening he needed...

Christian only got a few minutes, though, before Jericho fired up.  After dodging an attack, Jericho sent Christian flying face first into the steel, and then repeated a few times.  He even closed with one of my all-time favorites: the Cheese Grater Spot.  Christian is wearing a sick (by Monday standards, anyway) Crimson Mask.  After a bit of that, Trish starts jumping around, feigning that she'll climb into the ring, and generally distracting Jericho JUST ENOUGH that Christian can wage a big of a comeback.  But it's mostly back-and-forth action as things build up to Jericho hitting a double underhook superplex on Christian and we enter End Game.

Trish shoves the outside ref away and enters the ring with a chair.  But before she can use it, Jericho locks her in the Walls of Jericho.  Christian (jerk) sees this and instead of saving Trish, immediately starts scaling the cage so he can win.  Jericho realizes at the last possible second what's going on and goes up top to stop Christian.  He shoves Christian down to the mat from the top rope, and then follows up by locking in the Walls.  Trish is incapacitated, but Christian is not without fire in the belly.  First he tries for the ropes, but there's no rope breaks in a no-DQ match like this.  So he keeps clawing, and tries to pull himself out the door in a cool spot and cool use of the cage match rules/gimmick.  But Jericho has more left in the tank and pulls Christian back to the middle of the ring, where he's got no choice but to tap out.  Jericho wins by submission in a very good (but, if I had to be a bitch, maybe too short) 11 minute match.  Jericho closes the show by celebrating on top of the cage while the announcers wonder if Jericho has all the momentum heading into next week's huge Battle Royale.

Final Analysis

Compared to last week?  Sure this show came up a bit short, and never really got a "Free Per View" vibe going.  But taken on its own merits, it was easily another very strong entry for RAW, as they continue effortlessly into a third month of really entertaining TV.
 
Actually, tonight's show didn't hit as low a point as last week's, as the Kane stuff was shorter and more directed to a possible future development that MIGHT not suck.  But unfortunately, it also didn't peak quite as high.  Jericho/Christian did about as dramatic and intense a match as you can do in 11 minutes, but that finish could have been even hotter and more exciting if they'd had a bit more time to take us on a ride, I think.  Edge/Orton got the bigger chunk of time to work with, but even with five extra minutes over the main event, they had a few holes in there that kept that from really being the show-stealing anchor.
 
But that said, every single match/segment was good and accomplished what it needed to.  I could try to find "time management" arguments to make or something, but the fact is when every segment is a hit on some level, I'd have to be an ass to use this forum to pick nits.

I mean, if I'm gonna do it, then tomorrow's OO is the forum for that sort of thing!  For here and now, an easy Thumbs Up for a good show shall suffice.

 
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