by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of OnlineOnslaught.com

I ended up getting really sucked into the Home Run Derby last night... starting with them having all the living members of the 500 Club around, some of 'em doing interviews/commentary (and one of 'em being Harmon Killebrew, owner of just about the sweetest last name in sports, at least until this summer's Olympics brings us Courtney McCool), and then watching the right-handers like Berkman and Tejada just zone in and start tomahawking chest high pitches out over the short porch like it was nothing...  it was cool, but actually my favorite part was watching Bonds hit in the first round: swinging as free and easy as you please he hit all kinds of home runs, laser shots and majestic bombs, and it was hilarious to watch as even his mistake swings turned into dingers.  That, my friends, is bad ass.  Then in the second round, the old man was tired, and started swinging a little late: I swear, a good 6 or 7 of his outs were 400-plus foot outs to center that he just didn't get around fast enough on.  Impressive in its own way, if you ask me.

So anyway, by the time that was finally over and I got to RAW, WWE had some big shoes to fill.  Could they do it?  Well, I'm not gonna spoil it for you here: you're just gonna have to saddle up and join me for the ride...

Cold Open: In Evolution's locker room, everybody is pissed, and it's all directed at Eugene.  I forget what kind of sand Batista had in his vagina, but Flair was upset about Eugene stealing his shtick at the PPV, Orton was pissed that GM Eugene forced him to wrestle Jericho on RAW six days before a big IC Title defense on PPV and THAT's the only reason he lost, and of course, HHH is angriest of all that Eugene cost him the World Title.  But, he has a plan (the look on the other guys' faces says, "Oh, god, not another one of those," but they listen): when Eugene gets here, nobody lays a hand on him until HHH talks to him.  And then from there, Evolution is to follow his lead...  the mild confusion doesn't have time to settle in, as this is exactly when Eugene appears. He's very contrite and concerned that Evolution is mad at him. And although the other three guys are making Angry Faces, HHH assures Eugene that they are still friends, and that everybody makes mistakes, and it's OK.  But there IS somebody who is mad at Eugene: his Uncle Eric.  So HHH tells Eugene he needs to go see his Uncle Eric, right away.  Eugene looks concerned again, but heads on his merry way.  As soon as he's gone, Evolution starts shouting at HHH ("What the hell is wrong with you, we should have turned him into dog meat right now?"), but HHH tells them, he has A Plan, and all will be clear if they just give him a chance... and evil smirk as we cut to.

The Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc, and a welcome from Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. By way of hype, all they've really got for us is a mention that tonight's Highlight Reel will feature both Kane and Lita as guests. Wheee, that'll keep the eyeballs glued!  Poor Jericho...  but now, let's send it down to the ring....

Edge vs. Batista (IC NON-Title Match)

I've realized something: if amount of time WWE allots for your ring entrance is indicative of your place in the pecking order, then presently, Batista has ascended to near-main-event status. Seriously, I think he's up to near 3 minutes of that nancified toe-pointing and body-builder posing.  I definitely noticed it this week, and thought to mention it because I then casually kept tabs on "ring entrance length" all night; nobody else matched Batista.

But wait, you're here for a wrestling match, right? Too bad, as I must also gloss over some of the opening minutes (basic back-and-forthy) to note that Jerry Lawler is already earning Idiot Points tonight, by noting in total earnestness that last night's Edge/Orton match was The Greatest Match In the History of Wrestling.  For one, I think he just says nonsense like that to annoy The Me, because there's no other logical explanation for telling such a bald-faced lie (unless somewhere, they really think they can "re-educate" or "condition" the fans to THINK that's a great match, instead of chanting "BORING" during it).  And for two, goddammit Jerry, at least remember you're supposed to be a heel with a man-crush on Randy Orton and that a match in which he loses to Edge is NOT "great" in your mind.  Jesus, do I have to do everything around here?

In the match, Edge FINALLY starts to take the slightest bit of advantage.  They do the bit where Edge is bringing the high energy offense in a quick flurry, but Batista won't go down.  Finally, Edge knocks him out of the ring, and gets a pop. But they fooled me last week, I won't fall for it again: I do NOT go for the FF button, because sure enough, here comes Randy Orton to further complicate matters and give JR an excuse to deliver sputtering indignation as we check out some...

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Back, and somehow Batista is firmly in control, and has Edge in a surfboard like move, working the back.  Though the magic of Instant Replay, we find out that (a) Randy Orton tripped up Edge on an Irish Whip, and did so right in front of the ref, so Orton was immediately ejected.  But also that (b) the distraction was enough to allow Batista to regain the advantage via a spot where he rammed Edge's back into the steel ringpost.  So that's why Batista's working the back, now.  And staying relatively focused and intense while doing so: they never lost the crowd the same way Orton's Triple Chinlocks of Doom did the night before.  Also, the beatdown was shorter, and Edge started his fire up probably about 10-12 minutes into the match.  And from there, the End Game was very good: near falls for Edge with an Implant DDT and a hangman move, a little rally for Batista, then more for Edge with a missile dropkick for a near fall.  Just then, Batista seemed to regain control again, and was about to spinebuster Edge, but Edge wormed out of the hold, and turned it into a roll-up/pinning combination.  It was also near the ropes, and Edge gladly made use of grabbing the top rope for extra leverage to hold Batista down for the three count.  Ref never saw it.  A nice little opener that, on the whole, I liked better than Edge/Orton from the night before; I mention it not to posit that thus, Batista is a better wrestler than Orton, I'm just saying is, all.  At 15 minutes, it was tighter and more intense, and that helped a lot.  Lawler, of course, made a big deal out of Edge cheating to win, but I'm surprised nobody thought to remember Batista had gotten a cheap-ass win just the night before doing something not entirely dissimilar....

Backstage: Eugene heads into Uncle Eric's office, sure he's about to get chewed out.  But Bischoff surprises him, and says the only things he's mad about is All the people who are blaming Eugene for what happened at Vengeance.  Bischoff says it was just a mistake and everybody makes mistakes, and to be honest, Eugene has impressed Eric a lot.  As a wrestler, as a GM, everything.  Eric now thinks Eugene BELONGS in the wrestling business.  In fact, Eric thinks that Eugene deserves a match tonight... a match against Chris Benoit... a match for the World Title!  Eugene is ecstatic and hugs Bischoff!  Bischoff closes with a smirk only the camera can see as he says, "It'll be a very special night for a very special person."  

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Diva Search Sneak Peak Segment One

OK, look, I say I don't recap crap, but in the interest of them starting a new phase of this thing and actually presenting the diva contestants live on the show in what I have to assume will be not unlike what they do in recurring weekly bits starting soon, I figured I'd get me a look so at least I'd know for sure what it is I'm ranting against.

And I wish I hadn't.

I'll just say my whole piece here, and then for the later two segments, I'll return to my catchphrase.  The biggest thing: I announced a month ago that this was probably gonna end up being a set-up for the girl who was the Playmate of the Year, and when they carted her out last and she got the only thing resembling a pop (probably more of a, "Oh, she's in Playboy? So I can go home and get on the internet and see her naked if I want?  That's pretty cool." pop), nothing was done to dissuade me from the stance.  The contest would probably have still sucked, but at least it might have been a BIT more interesting without ringers.

And I don't want to get into a whole big thing about the relative hotness of the girls or their worth as people, but GAWD, with the exception of the admittedly-tasty Playmate, could you have made them any less appealing?  Now, I'm not a nazi who thinks that getting a little bit dolled up every now is wrong, but as far as make-up goes, I am a "less is usually better" man: and I don't know if these girls just lacked the quality of Tomorrow Morning Hot, or if they just lacked restraint, but when you're resorting to shit like ridiculous fake eyelashes that are longer than my... well, let's not go there.  But DO let's just say that on the continuum that runs from Girl Next Door to Las Vegas' Skankiest Pole Moistener, I would have tended towards the former end but WWE apparently opted for the latter, and non-stop model/actress/dancers.  Which leads me to the other point, which is maybe these girls are very bright and charming, but they sure seemed comfortable hiding it during their alleged "conversations" with Lawler if they are: unconvincing reading of d-caliber lines does not a diva make.  Lita notwithstanding.  HA!  

Anyway, I guess what it comes down to is if this is what we've got to look forward to, I hope more than ever that WWE puts a bullet in this concept sooner rather than later.  When the most interest fact a girl has to say about herself is "I make all my own clothes," you're already in trouble.  When her attempt to titillate the crowd with a "And I made this outfit JUST for all of YOU" is recognized as the patronizing flirtatiousness that it was and is met with boos, you're looking at EXACTLY where this stupid Diva Idol thing is headed.

Let me just say that it was heartening to hear the crowd respond to these bits with such apathy (and in some spots, with outright mutinous boos for the sheer pointlessness of it all).  Sometimes I think I'm the only one... and to anyone who DID get any enjoyment out of these segments?  May I just suggest you leave the house for once in your miserable lives, because if this is your idea of how to discover and crown the Ultimate Girl, you are a truly pitiful waste of a human life.

Prepare for crap ratings on Thursday night, WWE, and prepare for more boos and disinterest any time you try to cart out this ill-conceived garbage for live in-arena segments, too.  I *knew* I was right....

Backstage: Tough Questions Todd Grisham has got Ric Flair for an interview, and isn't gonna lob him any softballs.  Todd wants to know, what does Ric Flair think of Eugene getting a World Title shot?  And Ric, clearly repressing his personal feelings, makes a very Prepared-Feeling Statement about how Evolution is on record wishing Eugene good luck, and that's that.  From there, Todd asks about Flair's new book, which is on the NY Times Bestseller list, and that's when Flair goes into free-wheelin' rant mode, talking about how OF COURSE it's a best seller, because he's the Nature Boy, and he deserves respect, not like what he's been dealing with with Eugene, cuz it seems like every time Flair climbs the mountain, another FREAK gets in his way, and...  STAND BACK! DID SOMEBODY SAY "FREAK"?...  in whooshes the Hurricane, who wants nothing more than to have Ric Flair autograph his copy of "To Be the Man."  But Flair looks Hurricane up and down and refuses to sign.  Because Hurricane is exactly what he was talking about.  He's a freak, he's a joke, and he's an abomination to the business that Ric Flair loves.  Flair says he knows Hurricane's real name is Gregory Helms, and he's personally insulted to even have to be in the same company with somebody who'd let himself be turned into such a joke.  Hurricane says all he likes to do is entertain people, but Flair cuts him off and says that maybe he should care less about entertaining people and more about being a wrestler.  Hurricane doesn't let it phase him, though.  Instead, he comes back with a Witty Retort of his own: that it's OK if Flair won't sign his book.  Because it wasn't really that good, anyway. Not like The Rock's book.  And just to rub it in, he even sneak in mentions of Hogan and Chyna's book.  And to close: and Flair's book isn't even #1 on the NY Times List... like Mick Foley's were!  Ohhh, SNAP!  At that, Flair just hauls off and sucker punches Hurricane, and then stomps on him a bit.  Then he declares that he'll see Hurricane in the ring later tonight, and then, Hurricane will learn more about being a wrestler than he'd ever pick up in any book.  The Rick declares this to be an AWESOME SEGMENT~!

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Rhyno vs. Robert Conway

Conway is accompanied by Sylvain Grenier, who gets exactly NO bars into "O, Canada" before being interrupted by Rhyno's entrance. No real psychology or hook to this match, just back and forth stuff for about 3 minutes, then the finish: Rhyno had Conway set up for the Gore, but Grenier tried to interfere for his partner.  So Rhyno's partner, Tajiri, delivered a swift boot to Grenier's head.  Rhyno hit the Gore with ease, and got the pinfall.  Rhyno and Tajiri, now a regular team, it is confirmed, celebrate in the ring.  Short and to the point.

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Tyson Tomko vs. Maven

OK, first thing: at least they didn't have Tomko come out for his match to Trish's entrance (for then, truly the Lovely Miss Tomko nickname would be well-deserved). But they did have him come out to Christian's, so really, it's not THAT much better.  Both Trish and Nidia are out in the respective corners, and this one is even SHORTER and MORE TO THE POINT than the last one, as they struggle through about 90 seconds of stuff for a crowd that couldn't care less, and then finally: Trish gets up on the apron and causes a distraction, and although Nidia arrives to yank Trish down, it was enough to get Maven's attention, so when he turns around, he eats the Big Boot of Suck and gets pinned.  Maybe 2 minutes, tops.  Trish gets more camera time during the celebration than Tomko, and let's just say I ain't complainin'...

Backstage: Chris Benoit is getting ready, and in walks William Regal.  Regal wants to know that Eugene's really just a good kid and he hopes Benoit will take that under consideration tonight.  Benoit says he likes Eugene, too... but he still have the World Title to consider, and he'll do whatever it takes to hold on to it.  Regal seems to grudgingly accept this, but to be honest, I'd say any reason to do a Benoit/Regal match is a good one!

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The Highlight Reel

See, this is EXACTLY what I was worried about: instead of Jericho having any upward mobility, he jobs to Batista in a meaningless match and now he's back to just being a mic stand.  And worse, a mic stand for a storyline that everybody fricking hates.  Ahhh, but Jericho wouldn't be Jericho if he didn't steal a little bit of the spotlight for himself...

So that's order of business #1: completely ignoring the PPV loss, and instead talking about all his career accolades (first Undisputed Champ, yadda yadda yadda), and how he added to those with perhaps his finest performance ever last week: a win to become the Undisputed Musical Chairs Champion!  Big pop, and a "Y2J" chant, and Batista Who?  But alas, now it's time to get on to business, so Jericho says maybe it's time to bring out his guests...  but NO says the crowd, and fires up more "Y2J" chants as if to beg him to keep talking about himself instead of MC'ing The Suck.  Jericho politely thanks them, but he DOES have a format sheet to stick to, so...  first, come on out here, Kane!

And out Kane is to grab a mic and tell Jericho that he'd better keep his stupid mouth shut because this isn't a joke to him, and if he gets mad, he won't retort with a funny comeback, he'll just rip somebody's throat out. Which leads him to Lita, who is apparently under the misapprehension that she'll get away with her actions at Vengeance because she's carrying his baby, but that's not the case... there will be Severe Sanctions.

And I guess Lita'd like to hear them for herself, cuz here she is.  In the ring, she gets right up in Kane's face.  And then rips the mic right out of his hands.  With a monologue that was sensible and logical (as if ripped from the pages of the OO RAW Recap!), Lita turns over a new leaf and takes responsibility for her position: she got herself into this mess, and as a result, she's gotten a whole new appreciation for what it is to suffer as she's watched the man she loves turn his back on her. But she's sick of suffering, and she's not gonna take it any more, and she's calling Kane's bluff because he's not gonna do anything about it, you Sick Son of a Bitch.  Kane is taken aback, but then struck by inspiration: hey Lita, maybe I won't hurt you, but I can make Matt Hardy suffer, and I can make sure he's not alive to see the birth of my offspring!  And that's when Lita gets the punchline: another thing she's realized is that Matt Hardy is man enough to fight his own fights, and further, she KNOWS the father of her baby is Matt, because yeah, she's been with both of them, but Matt is more of a man than Kane will ever be!  Oooohhhh, burn.  Although I've consulted my Local Expert, Dr. Science, and he tells me that Lita's conclusion regarding paternity will NOT hold up in a court of law, so expect more Suck on that front...

Anyway, Kane realizes he can chokeslam the mother of his Maybe Child, so he decides to start throwing the Highlight Reel furniture around in a hissy fit.  Which is fine until he goes after the Vaunted JeriTron 5000.  At that, Jericho himself steps in... and pays the price with a quick mini-beatdown.  Satiated for now, Kane decides to just leave the ring before anybody else can question his manhood.

Whoops, too late... as the cameras follow Kane to the backstage area, another sticks on Jericho, who has grabbed a mic and wants Kane to come back to the ring for a match.  But Kane ignores him at first.  So Jericho starts rifling through some Restaurant Quality Insults, starting with "Hey Kane, don't leave the ring prematurely... oh wait, I hear you do a LOT of things prematurely!"...  and moving onto how he just got punked out by a girl...  and how maybe Kane should enter the Diva Search, because just like all the divas in the back, he's clearly got no balls!  That last one did the trick, and Kane's on his way back to the ring for a match....

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Chris Jericho vs. Kane

As we come back, who knows how long the match has been on, but it seems like it's settled in already, so probably at least a few minutes.  Kane's got Jericho down on the mat, and then switches gears after Jericho BRIEFLY got a flurry.  Once Kane regained control, it was all about working the ribs for several minutes.  Kane settled in with a bearhug, out of which Jericho fired up.  As he began his rally, Jericho chop blocked Kane and was clearly softening him up for the Walls of Jericho. Another few moves and another chop block, and Jericho actually got it cinched in briefly, but Kane got a rope break.  Jericho followed with a near fall following the Ghetto Blaster (running enzuigiri), and now Kane must have been getting worried because right in front of the ref, he blatantly punched Jericho in the testicles.  Instant disqualification, and Jericho's your winner about 6-7 minutes into the part of the match we saw (maybe closer to 10 overall).

After the match: Kane was furious and continued his assault on Jericho.  When ref Chris Kay tried to stop Kane, it was bad news: in a cool spot, Kane simultaneously chokeslammed both the ref AND Jericho.  Play Kane's music!  Because he got punked out by a chick AND then lost a match!

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Diva Search Sneak Peak Segment 2: I don't recap crap.

SmackDown! Rebound: And I don't recap recaps.

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Ric Flair vs. the Hurricane

Kind of an odd feel to this one, as Flair is clearly NOT a heel in a situation like this where he's out there solo instead of doing Evolution's dirty deeds.  But people like Hurricane, too, so...  very basic, old school kind of match with no serious hook till the end.  It was back and forth to start, lots of just throwing chops and getting "Whooos" for both guys.  Then Hurricane did kind of settle in for a bit of offense, but only a minute or so until Flair came back with a chop block and worked the knee for a couple minutes.  Then it was time to go to schoool: Flair locked on the Figure Four, and Hurricane had no choice but to tap out.  Probably about 7-8 minutes, and MAYBE a bit longer than it had to be, but as a chance to see Ric Flair do his thing with a dance partner who was able to make him look good... hey, I am NOT gonna complain.

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SmackDown! Your Vote Somethingorother: I don't care.

Diva Search Sneak Peak Segment 3: I don't recap crap.

Backstage: Eugene is talking to a big stuffed animal (or possibly a mascot costume that is currently unmanned) about his big chance to have a World Title match... and Chris Benoit comes up.  Eugene again makes sure Benoit's not mad, and Benoit says he's not.  But he also wants Eugene to know up front that his World Title is very important to him, and he'll do anything to keep it.  Eugene says he likes the idea of being World Champion, too.  Benoit respects that and says, "OK, Eugene, but I just want you to know that I want to go out there and WRESTLE you. No chairs, no cheapshots, nothing.  Just WRESTLING."  And Eugene likes the sound of that, too....

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Chris Benoit vs. Eugene (World Title Match)

Out of the gate, JR and King are On Task and make sure we all know that Benoit went through hell the night before and has a bruised sternum, and even if you think Eugene is a joke, Benoit's maybe ripe for the picking, so don't count anybody out...  good call on getting the story over right away.  Benoit and Eugene trade a few chops early on, and BOTH fail to do clean breaks in the ropes.  Eugene actually "cheats" first, but then when Benoit immediately does it back, Eugene manages to escape and instead of being angry, he does kind of a "Ow that hurts, but HEY, this is cool, we're WRESTLING" act that is meant to get the idea across that Eugene knows the difference between competitiveness and mean-spiritedness.  Benoit quickly takes control of the match, though, and is outwrestling Eugene... until he makes the mistake of going up for the swandive headbutt.  And Eugene gets out of the way, and Benoit takes a huge blow to his bruised sternum.  Eugene takes over with his mostly-derivative moveset, which Ross goes to lengths to explain is because Eugene has internalized so much wrestling that he's just randomly busting out moves based on instinct.  When Eugene tries for the People's Elbow, though, he pauses for too long, and Benoit's able to counter it, and eventually wrestles his way into a Sharpshooter.  But Eugene gets a rope break.  A few moments later, when Benoit decided to toss Eugene out of the ring, THAT is when Eugene decided to take umbrage, and he snapped.

Angry Eugene came into the ring and immediately got the better of an unsuspecting Benoit.  It even led up to Eugene trying to hit the Triple Germans (JR: "He's just doing the moves that were done to him earlier in this match!"), and when Benoit seemed to counter that on the third suplex, Eugene busted out something else from the Benoit playbook: instead of continuing to try the third German, he maneuvered his way into the Crippler Crossface.  It took everything Benoit had, but he FINALLY got the ropes for a break.  Eugene smelled blood, though, and positioned himself behind Benoit as he got to his feet... and pounced with a Rock Bottom!  Eugene made the cover.  One.  Two.  Benoit's foot on the ropes.  Whew.  But Eugene thought he'd won the match (Hey, what happened to the kid being an Idiot Savant of Wrestling: he should have seen the Foot on the Rope bit HUNDREDS of times!)...  Eugene grabs the belt and starts celebrating, and the ref can't reign him in.

So Enter Evolution: the entire group makes its way to the ring, and Eugene thinks maybe they are here to celebrate with him.  HHH is all smile.  Until he gets within arm's length of Eugene.  And that's when he sucker punches him.  BOO!  Benoit tries to come back to help out, but he quickly eats a Pedigree, and powders out for the rest of the show.  The attack on Eugene continues, and so William Regal tries to make a save.  And he eats an RKO.  So now it's just 4-on-1...  Eugene gets slapped around a bit by HHH, and then it's time to really lay it on.  Eugene gets the sit-out BatistaBomb.  Then he gets an RKO.  And finally, the Pedigree from HHH.  Eugene is a bloody mess as Evolution leaves the ring with smiles on their faces....  match is a no decision (obviously), but the story as we close is that even Eugene can now see that Evolution are NOT his friends.

Final Analysis

OK, so the Diva Idol crap was just that: crap.  Awful.  And in the name of Being The Best Recapper I Can Be, I DID watch it all this week.  But I won't in the future, so I'll just pretend like I FF'ed it, and focus on the rest of the show...

Which was all really quite entertaining, I thought.

First thing: I don't know if I necessarily want to give credit to WWE for fixing a problem that they never should have created in the first place, but part of me does appreciate that they essentially "fixed" Lita in exactly the way I've been advocating here for the past month.  It's vindicating in a way.  And credit to Lita for being back in her "comfort zone" in terms of her character and cutting a good promo.  This is still a dumb idea for a storyline, but this week, at least it wasn't as character-assassinating or as poorly-performed as it is also ill-conceived.  I still could not care less about Pregnant Lita, but at least somebody, somewhere seems like they may be trying to drain SOME of the Suck out of this thing.

Second thing: surely I can't be the only one who thought somebody was missing from the final Evolution beat down, can I?  You know, somebody who has been making big noises about wanting to eliminate all of Evolution?  Somebody who could have made it an even 4-on-4 battle with a timely run-in?  I DEFINITELY think Edge was conspicuous by his absence, and think they might be planting the seeds for something kind of cool here...  between not making the show-end run-in AND cheating to win, well, let's just say the possibilities are myriad.  How about doing Orton (full heel) vs. Edge (tweener) vs. Jericho (full face) for the IC Title come SummerSlam time?  Just thinking out loud here, folks....

Pretty much everything but the Diva Search and then the pointless/obligatory/better-if-it-was-on-Heat Tomko/Maven match was either a Hit or at least struck me as effective (even Rhyno's win over Conway, since it's the much needed foundation for a tag title feud that might mean something).  Everything with Eugene was right on (we needed to get Eugene out from under Evolution, and Mission Accomplished there)... the Flair/Hurricane promo was gold, and the match was harmless fun...  the Highlight Reel didn't make Pregnant Lita any more interesting, but did make her suck less, and gave us an excuse for Jericho to shine on the mic and also deliver a halfway-decent match...  and the opening Edge/Batista match was very sound, too.

A few holes aside, a very strong effort that sets us nicely on the Road to SummerSlam.  More thoughts/fall-out/ratings/whatever tomorrow in OO.

 
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