All right, let's get this bitch on the road before I run out of beer.

Opening Theme/Pyro. Live from Seattle.

The Celebratory Cake of Stupefying Obviousness

The red carpet's out, and it's time to party! We've already got Flair and Batista in the ring, surrounded by some scantily-dressed babes and a suspiciously Orton-sized cake. More on that later. Flair introduces your new, 9-time World Heavyweight Champion, Triple H. Fanfare ensues. Confetti, pyro, streamers, the works. He grunts, he gloats, and metaphorically spits in the faces of Orton and all of the fans. Oooooooh. Tell 'em, Trips! Show those Orton-loving bitches who's boss!

But enough about loogies: Trips is ready to celebrate his win, and lets the groupies take off his shirt. He stops them before anything gets X-rated and I'm forced to vomit, and turns his eyes towards the cake. There's gotta be a hot chick in there, right? Ric, was it you who did this? No? Batista? Ah, who cares? It was probably Bischoff. Forget about the guy who was monumentally screwed out of the title last night after twelve consecutive run-ins and five ref bumps: let's bring out the babe!

And, to the surprise of nobody with an IQ exceeding that of the average marmoset, Randy pops out and attacks. Bafflingly, the crowd pops for this while Orton takes down Evolution and sends Trips flying head-first into the cake for a very un-funny sight gag. Randy celebrates while Jeb Lund cries.

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Moments Ago: Recap of the cake "surprise" from three fricking minutes ago. Sigh. Triple H, still covered with icing, barges into Bischoff's office and demands a match with Randy, TONIGHT. Bischoff, looking more than a little scared, decides to make it a 3-on-1 handicap match, with Orton v. Evolution. Color me apathetic.

Chris Benoit (w/ William Regal) v. Robert Conway (w/ Sylvan Grenier)

The pop Benoit gets for his entrance makes me smile and smile. Hell, even he seemed a bit surprised and played to the crowd more than usual. Conway enters with Grenier at his side, and Benoit takes issue with this. Thankfully, Regal is not forgotten by the booking committee and makes an appearance to even out the odds.

Conway pounds on Benoit to start, but the Crippler ain't having any of that shit, chopping Conway hard enough to make his heart skip a few beats. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter early, but can't quite lock it in as Conway bails. A "USA!" chant starts up. Who is the crowd pulling for? Conway's the only American in this match. Back in, and Conway takes control with punches and a vertical suplex. See, here's the problem with putting Benoit back in the tag ranks so quickly after he lost the title: he's gone toe-to-toe with Trips and HBK for so long that it's ridiculous to accept an evenhanded match against anyone other than an upper mid-carder. Benoit should be destroying a guy like Conway.

Conway stomps away and gets a blatant choke. Punches in the corner and more choking. Punchy-kicky for a minute, with a few brutal chops thrown in for variety. Neck vice that Benoit fights out of, only to be tossed out of the ring. Conway, like an idiot, tries to throw chops and finds out firsthand how it's done. Someday you'll learn, young Robert.

Back in, Benoit gets a cradle for a quick two. Conway back on offense, and he makes the mistake of slapping the Wolverine in the face. You'll pay for that later, bitch. Benoit is whipped hard into the corner, and takes some more boots to the gut. Sunset flip from the apron on Conway almost works, but Grenier is there for the unfair leverage. Until Regal clocks him with a high knee, that is. Back in, Benoit cleans house with suplexes and choppy goodness, forcing Conway to eat turnbuckle a few times in the process. Crossface is locked in, and Conway taps out quickly. Decent match, about eight minutes long.

Benoit and Regal exchange a Nod of Mutual Respect afterward. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tag team.

Later tonight: The Highlight Reel with special guest Shawn Michaels. I'm there, dude. And now's a good time for some…

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Video package: hype for Shelton Benjamin's return.

The Greatest Promo in the History of the Women's Division

Stacy Keibler is on her way to the ring, wearing a scarf that passes for a miniskirt without managing to look like a slut. Now that's talent. She's here to announce the Diva Search contestants for the Seattle Slugfest, but Molly interrupts, looking quite spiffy with her short haircut. She grabs a mic, and I must transcribe.

"Sorry, Stacy, but I told the wannabes to stay in the back. A real diva has something to say. I think that it is pathetic that those women -- none of them a former women's champion -- have been getting all the attention. And I think you're pathetic for encouraging them. So I tell you what, Stacy: later on tonight, the girls can have their little Slutfest… oh. I mean, "Slugfest," but for right now, I'm challenging you to a competition."

Preach on, sistah. Preach on. Molly's up for anything, so Stacy suggests a dancing competition. Hah! Molly's got eight years of ballet training, bitch! She's confident enough to go first, and asks for William Regal's classy entrance theme to accompany her.

Molly opens her impromptu routine with a double pirouette, gracefully transitioning into a tour jèté and finishing with a lovely rond de jombe attitude. Just beautiful. Then Stacy takes the floor, gyrating like a slut and flipping up her skirt in lieu of actually, you know, dancing. For shame, Stacy. Before the crowd can declare Molly the winner, she attacks. You show her, Molly! But before this can get any more fun, Nidia's boobs (followed a few minutes later by Nidia) run in. You know, getting choked with a pair of stilettos has got to be painful. Gail Kim, Victoria, and Trish soon follow, and you know what that means: by order of Eric Bischoff's giant head on the Titan Tron, it's a 6-diva tag match. But first…

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Victoria, Nidia, and Stacy Keibler v. Trish Stratus, Gail Kim, and Molly Holly

We return with Nidia and Trish fighting it out. Nidia earns major points from me by blocking Trish's handstand hurricanrana by simply shoving her back to the mat. Cross-body follows, and boots to Trish in the corner. Trish eats turnbuckle. Gail Kim interrupts an Irish whip long enough to get slugged by Nidia, but Trish is back in with a spine buster.

Trish on offense for a few minutes, with lots and lots of choking and assorted heel shenanigans. Gail tags in and gets sunset flipped, which is broken up by Trish. Gail with a cool-looking leg-related submission move, and Nidia makes the ropes. Who does Gail think she is, Dean Malenko? Molly comes in, but Nidia fights her and Gail off with a rolling neckbreaker. Hot tag to Victoria, who cleans house and tosses Trish.

Molly takes on Vickie with a handspring elbow, but she gloats just long enough for Stacy to tag in and roll her up for the victory. Not too shabby, but I might put an axe through my TV the next time I see a women's match end in a roll-up.

Bischoff's Office: Kane's dropped by for a visit, and he's not happy. His "bitch wife" got in the way of him beating HBK last night, and he's lost sleep over it. But Eric can make it all better -- by making a rematch for TONIGHT. But HBK is scheduled for the Highlight Reel next, so Bischoff saves his own ass from a royal kicking by Kane by offering him a guy on a silver platter in a no-DQ match. To get his frustrations out, you see. Huh. I didn't know that manslaughter qualified as anger management therapy.

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Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel

I'd rather see Jericho as the World champ, but it's damn nice to see him with some gold around his waist again. Huge pop for Y2J's ring entrance. He pimps his IC Title win for a minute, but he's got a guest to introduce. And man, this should be good, considering the history between him and Michaels. They hate each other and can put on a killer match.

But… wait a minute… why is Jericho so enthusiastic about having HBK on his show? Michaels seems quite happy and smiley, too, and the two blow sunshine up each others' asses for a minute before Michaels finally gets to the point: how's about a Mutual Respect Match for the IC belt tonight? Sounds good to me, and the crowd agrees, and I'm still confused as to why these two are so buddy-buddy. Jericho looks ready to wrestle, but Christian interrupts with his valet, the Lovely Miss Tomko (™ The Rick). Seems he's got other ideas, and he deserves an IC title match more than HBK does. The man does have a point.

Michaels interrupts with another suggestion: how about HBK v. Christian for the #1 contender's spot? Again, the crowd is totally behind this, and I'm right with them.

But Jericho interjects in an absolutely brilliant bit, consulting with various members of the front row and concluding that Tomko's going to interfere in any singles match on Christian's behalf. The solution? Y2J and HBK v. Christian and "Goat Boy." You really have to see it to appreciate it, but Jericho works the crowd like nobody's business and gets them ultra-pumped for the tag match. And we'll see it right after these…

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Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels v. Christian and Tyson Tomko

Shit, I never thought I'd see this tag team. We join the match in process, with Michaels taking a beating from Christian. Back-and-forth punchy-kicky, Jericho tags in. Vertical suplex on Christian, and a casual cover gets two. Michaels back in, and Christian tags out. HBK schools Tomko, but Tomko cuts him off with a vicious clothesline. I'm talking more painful-looking than Bradshaw's. Tomko and Christian dominate for a few minutes, but Christian fucks up long enough to allow a hot tag to Jericho.

Jericho flattens Christian and goes for the Walls near the ropes, but ducks long enough to avoid a Tomko clothesline from the apron. And -- in a really slick spot -- he continues his momentum into a springboard dropkick. Again, you have to see it to appreciate how smooth it looked. Christian is tossed, and HBK and Y2J follow with stereo planchas that would impress even the Chinese synchronized diving team. Awesome. The faces celebrate in the ring while we go to some…

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When we return, Jericho's playing the face-in-peril to Tomko's Heidenreich-esque offense (well, he did nearly kill Stevie Richards last night, but I'm not talking physically. I mean his career.) Christian in, and he goes for the chinlock. Jericho fights out only to be cut off again. In a really bad camera angle, we see Jericho telling Tyson to attack him when the ref's back is turned. Christian gets a backbreaker for two and tags in Tomko. Don't you just love how J.R. finds every diplomatic way possible to point out that Tomko, while big and strong, totally sucks? Christian back in, and he gets caught with the Flashback when he showboats a little too long. Hots tags all around.

Michaels cleans house, tosses Christian, atomic drops Tomko, and gets the Macho Man elbow. He looks for the Sweet Chin Music, looking slightly constipated when he crouches and eggs on the crowd. Christian cuts that off, introducing HBK's nuts to the ringpost. Christian tries to use the belt, but gets tackled by Jericho. Michaels (using his holy healing powers to shake off that low blow, no doubt) recovers long enough to superkick Tomko for the pin after about 14 minutes. Solid tag match with a hot crowd a couple of great sequences thrown in.

After the Match: Christian attacks Michaels from behind and gives him an Unprettier outside the ring. I think I'm liking the IC title picture these days.

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The Seattle Slutfest

Coach is in the ring, and he reminds us that the Diva Search is for a $250,000 grand prize. He introduces the wannabes and announces that Joy is cut from the contest, leaving Christy (the red-headed spaz) and Carmella (the Playboy skank) for tonight's competition. Quick question: can these girls even walk normally when they're not wearing 5-inch heels? They seem uncomfortable in their tennis shoes. Carmella seems to think that the crowd is chanting for her, when they're actually calling for her to be kicked out.

While the wannabes are outfitted with ridiculously large boxing gloves, Coach takes a moment to make a snide comment to referee Jack Doan about his officiating the night before. The wannabes are ready to fight, but Vince's music interrupts! Big pop for his appearance. This is exactly why Vince needs to stay off TV for the most part: when he does show up, it's a welcome surprise. Vince reminds us that next week is the season premiere of RAW, and he has a few huge announcements to make that'll affect both the wrestlers and the fans on that show. Is it another attempt to drain the Smackdown! roster of what little top-tier talent they have left?

Anyway, Vince has an announcement for Coach, too. Carmella and Christy won't be fighting each other; they'll be beating the hell out of Coach. Another smart move -- if you want us to cheer for these ditzes, pit them against someone the (casual) fans universally hate. According to the boss, Coach has to stand in the ring and take it like a man without fighting back, or else he's fired.

And now for the most pleasant surprise of the night: Jack Doan takes the mic and explains the rules to each of the girls. 1) Coach has a big mouth, so be sure to hit him there, 2) aim high and aim hard, and 3) no hitting below the belt… unless absolutely necessary. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Oh, and 4) Joy was Coach's favorite. In thirty seconds, the referee proved to be better on the mic than Randy Orton. The divas take turns beating on Coach, and Christy gets a pretty good face pop while Carmella is almost booed out of the building. Either both of these girls will get contracts, or the crowd will be really pissed when Carmella wins next week.

As Diva Search segments go, this was surprisingly watchable. Christy and Jack Doan came out the real winners here, showing some actual personality. Coach made a good punching bag, and it's always nice to see Vince on a limited basis.

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Kane v. Gene Snitsky (No DQ Match)

"Snitsky" is fun to say. Snitsky Snitsky Snitsky. Anyhow, this poor random jobber has been selected to have the crap kicked out of him by Kane while his lovely bride watches ringside. Kane uses all of his basic offense and dismantles Snitsky, whose only offense consists of two punches and a low blow. Kane decides to end it by Pillmanizing Snitsky's neck like he did to HBK a few months back, but Lita runs in and removes the chair while Kane is on the turnbuckle. Kane gets down to have a few words with her, only to get hit in the back with a chair… and falls right on top of Lita, unborn baby and all. Ouch. Prediction: Snitsky's body will never be recovered after he goes missing.

Kane completely freaks out and screams for the ref to go get help, acting concerned and repeatedly asking if Lita and the baby are OK and reassuring his bride that she'll be fine. Awww. We've all misjudged Kane: deep down, he's a total sweetie. When he's not killing people and forcing women into marriage, that is. Out comes EMTs, Dean Malenko (hey, Dean! Smackdown! could really use you right now) and a stretcher. Lita cries and clutches her belly.

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We come back to see Lita being rolled out on a stretcher while the fans chant "Baby Killer!" Even for a storyline this stupid, that's pretty harsh. Just when I had given up and finally accepted this silly soap opera long enough to enjoy Kane's awesomely creepy performances, now I have to watch him freak out and act like a concerned father. This ought to be interesting. Lita is taken to an ambulance and Kane rides off with her.

I remember a while back when the Rick posted a quote from Stephen King, in which he pointed out that "Who's the father?" storylines bring any dramatic story to a grinding halt. He didn't know why, but I think I finally figured it out:

It's a circumstance that very few of us have had to deal with in our own lives. Most of wrestling's conflicts are simple ones that we see mirrored in our own experiences: the unfair boss, asshole co-workers, botched romances and the like. We can get behind storylines like that because we identify with the characters and have been through similar situations ourselves. But it's incredibly difficult for the viewers to identify with Lita because:

1) The average wrestling fan is male. Why would a guy bother to put himself in a pregnant woman's shoes, especially when that woman is acting like an idiot?

2) The few female fans are too busy thinking that Lita should have had the sense to be on the pill to sympathize with her.

It's a situation that most of us wouldn't allow ourselves to get involved in, and so we laugh at it rather than enjoy the sheer campiness of it all. Kane's been excellent with his mic work, and Lita finally seems to have found a good tone to work with in her promos, but they're hamstrung by the crap they've been handed.

Now, back to the recap. How the hell do you do this every week, Rick? This can get tedious.

Smackdown! Rebound: Hey, Big Show's back! And he's apparently killed the entire Smackdown! roster.

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Triple H, Ric Flair and Batista v. Randy Orton (3-on-1 Handicap Match)

We get yet another reminder of the angle that set up this match before it starts. I ache for the days of television viewers with attention spans. Randy Orton has the worst entrance music, ever. Even scarier than that, last night I saw a guy in Hooters singing along to it.

Flair jumps on Orton quickly, but gets back dropped for his troubles and tags in Trips. Orton with punches in the corner. He bails and takes out Flair, Batista, and then Trips when he follows to the outside. Back in, Batista takes more right hands from Randy, but cuts him off with a badass spinebuster. Trips back in to commence the beating. Pedigree is blocked, and Hunter is inadvertently low-blowed. RKO is blocked, and all three members of Evolution jump in and get DQed to beat up on Randy all at once. I still don't care.

But wait… there's Shelton Benjamin for the save! Okay, so I care just a little bit. And there's Benoit to help out! Dammit, WWE, why do you insist on drawing me in? The faces clean house (note that Benoit is more over than any of them), and Orton whacks Batista with a chair. Careful, Randy. Chairshots kill babies. Batista takes a top-rope clothesline from Shelton, a headbutt from Benoit, and an RKO from Orton. The faces take the exit ramp and gloat while Evolution steams in the ring to close the show.