Now, was it a show that really flowed from recent weeks?  Not totally; I mean, as good as it was, that Flair promo came out of left field, and SHOULD have been part of a much better-told, long-arcing story, and maybe ALSO shouldn't have been as quickly dismissed without milking it more (which is what they did with the main event finish). But that doesn't take away from the intensity, the believability, the get-on-the-edge-of-your-seat-ness, and the I-wonder-what-happens-next-ousity of it. Even if for only one night, Randy Orton had a mic in his hand, and made me think there's something going on inside that pretty little skull of his, that there's a real person in there. And that, my friends, is something that he's never really done before, not even in the Foley Feud.

And this thing with Orton being eliminated from Fan Voting at Taboo Tuesday? Well, in this case, instead of looking back, I look forward, and I'm not sure that move flows well. The foursome that Bischoff picked were kind of odd, anyway, and now, you're left with three considerations: (a) that WWE might have taken Orton OUT of the mix, but they did nothing to promote any of the other three guys IN the mix (Benoit worked Heat, Michaels doesn't even belong as he's in the IC mix, and Edge was absent), so what's left is like picking among Ross Perot, Ralph Nader, and Pat Buchanan and as much fun as it might be to have Ross Perot for President (I voted for him once!) and as much fun as it might be to have Chris Benoit again fighting for the World Title, it isn't the same now because he's been clearly portrayed as a third-class candidate and on top of that he WON'T EVEN GET THE BENEFIT OF BEATING ORTON IN THE VOTING because they pussed out and took the chance to vote Orton down OUT of our hands, or (b) by some later contrivance, Orton will be back in the voting.  Neither one of those is a particularly compelling option heading into Taboo Tuesday, but again, for just one night, it was just incredible fun to sit there and see WWE making smart moves, surprising moves, and to have it all coalesce into one night that I have, in partial honor of Young Randall Orton, The Criticism Killer.

It didn't totally un-do the crimes of the past few months; it might lead to more crimes against logic and good sense in the near future. But for one night, goddamn, did WWE ever slap together a show that shut my sass-mouth; and goddamn did the talents ever step up and take that good material and really sell it.  Even Randy freaking Orton.  That just doesn't happen often, so I'm gonna enjoy it while I can...

Here's how it all went down.....

In Memory Of Ray "Big Boss Man" Traylor: a nice little graphic. And I'm struck by the observation that I've spent the last week typing "Bossman" as one word, cuz I was SURE that's how they did it back in the day... guess I remembered wrong...

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in Kansas City, MO, and no matter what the REAL Internet Jackoffs (i.e. NOT me, but the people who really do have their heads so far up their asses that they can't even BEGIN to step back and look at wrestling like a regular fan) might be saying today, there's really no huge reason to harp on tonight's venue.  Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler certainly don't make any big deal out of the venue, because as they introduce the show, they're too busy hyping the actual -- you know? -- SHOW TONIGHT.  Which involves a few matches and an interview with Lita and stuff.  And then it's time to shoot it down to the ring....

Eric Bischoff is Pro-Choice, Kind Of

GM Bischoff is already in the ring, and announces that the Interactive Taboo Tuesday PPV is officially "on," despite his strong belief that the fans have no business making such decisions.  He did a rant about the "pimply-faced, know-it-all, fat, gay" fans and how they don't have the expertise to do his job.  Nee haw, it's a jab at the internet fans!  Allow me to retort: hey, Eric, if your job was REAL, I could do it VERY well, but since you're basically just an actor spewing forth the subpar crap put in your mouth by an under-qualified creative team, you're right... I probably would SUCK at your job.  HA HA!

Bischoff says that though he disagrees with the show's format, he can't stop it from happening, so what he HAS done is exercised his GM power to determine who the fans will choose from in terms of the #1 Contender to HHH's title.  He names Shawn Michaels (OK, he USED to feud with HHH), Edge (huh? although remind me tomorrow and I'll do a Fantasy Booking rant about how this COULD be very interesting in terms of a new Evolution memeber), Chris Benoit (duh), and Randy Orton (duh).  Where's Shelton Benjamin?

But wait, there's more!  Randy Orton does NOT get a free pass into the fan voting, because Bischoff is still salty about that sledgehammer to the foot from a month ago!  So tonight, Orton will have to beat Batista in a No Disqualification Match to make it on the ballot. Otherwise, he's got no chance of facing HHH at Taboo Tuesday.

Enter Triple H.  He's sick and tired of standing in the back, listening to this crap about how the fans are gonna get to decide his fate and the fate of the World Title.  In a nice riff, he says the fans pay to SEE his greatness, not to BOOK his greatness, and it's not like he shows up where THEY work to tell them how to do their jobs (insert predictable-but-always-hilarious "fry cook" and "hooker" taunts of ringside fans here). But HHH says that it doesn't matter anyway, since the fans can pick whoever they want, and HHH will do what he always does: he'll go out there and he'll kick ass and he'll walk out of Taboo Tuesday with the World Title, and he'll shove it all back in the fans' faces.  

Further, he said that if tonight is a Night Of Choices, he'd give the fans a few choices, including: (a) they may kiss his ass, (b) they may burn in hell, (c) they may Get A Life, and (d) they may...

BE INTERRUPTED BY MISTER BENJAMIN!

Shelton grabs the mic out of HHH's hands, and says that if tonight's a Night Of Choices, he's got a few choices for HHH: (a) he may quit his whining, (b) he may quit his moaning, (c) he may quit his crying because there's not enough Kleenex Brand Facial Tissues in Kansas City to wipe off that massive schnozz (HA!), or (d) since he and HHH can't get along, mayhap they should just GET IT ON!  Bischoff steps in and tries to keep them apart, but while he holds Shelton back, HHH strikes with a cheapshot, and Bischoff steps back and gets on the mic, shouting, "Hey, ring the bell, start this match, and get a ref out here!".  Jerk.  But it's on, in impromptu fashion....

Triple H vs. Shelton Benjamin

After HHH's cheap shot, Shelton rallied really quickly, and hit a big series of moves.  About 2 minutes in, he tried his Stinger Splash, but HHH dodged it.  HHH is hurting from Benjamin's rally, Benjamin's hurting after missing the splash, so let's get some....

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Back and HHH is in control, and almost as soon as we rejoin the action, HHH starts a concerted attack on Benjamin's left arm, starting with a Fujiwara Takedown, and then going into armbars and armdrags and stuff.  This goes on for a few minutes, as JR keeps noting that HHH needs the win, since he's never beaten Benjamin, while King keeps telling JR to quit bringing up ancient history. An example of GOOD heel/face announcer banter.  Shelton starts a comeback, and the crowd is into it... but HHH seems to kill it with another left-arm-shot, and goes up to the top rope for something.  But Benjamin's got a surprise left in him: he hits a run-up-the-ropes armdrag on HHH (semi-reminiscent of Angle's run-up-superplex), he follows up with that top rope, hooking clothesline thing (which JR has dubbed a "modified bulldog"), and a few other things.  HHH is fading, but he takes the fight to the outside.  While out there, Shelton maintains control, and they start brawling near the time keeper's table...  and unsure if he'd be able to defeat Benjamin, HHH opted to just grab his World Title belt, and whack Shelton in the head with it.  Blatant move in front of the ref, and it gets him the DQ; probably about 10 minutes total, and a nice little match coming seamlessly out of a solid opening promo.  Really cool way to open the show in a non-formulaic fashion.

After the match: HHH continued the assault, concluding with a Pedigree on the floor that left Benjamin knocked out cold. And just like that, Benjamin REALLY needs to get in on this Taboo Tuesday voting thing (and I let myself BRIEFLY contemplate the delicious possibility that Orton WOULDN'T predictably win the main event and that Shelton might replace him on the ballot)....

Last Week: The Red Headed Spaz won the Diva Search.  Trish promised a Victory Party.  It's later tonight.

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Not An [ad], Honest!: Simon Dean hypes his Simon System. This week, it was a new vignette, with a bit of added depth... Simon's not just a fitness guy, he's also adding in Motivational Speaker elements, so he's half-Bodydonna, and half-DDP.  He still hates fat people, though, that's his hook.  Catchphrase: "I may not like you, but I believe in you."

Tajiri/Rhyno vs. Hurricane/Rosey

Although, JR notes that Hurricane and Rosey have been "frustrated" lately, they don't really play it up too much and do NOT have footage of the HurriHeel from last week.  Tajiri starts, does some stuff first with Hurricane, and then with Rosey, but when he's physically over-matched by Rosey, he tags in Rhyno.  Rhyno and Rosey do the Big Man Showdown Of Who Can Knock The Other Guy Down First which FINALLY gets the crowd into the match.  Rhyno knocks down Rosey, takes control briefly.  Then Hurricane's back in briefly, and Tajiri also tags in, and after a brief Chaos Moment with all four guys involved, the ref restores order, and it's Hurricane vs. Tajiri...  Hurricane is whipped into the ropes and Rosey reaches in and blind tags himself in...  but Tajiri doesn't see it, and instead hits a wicked-stiff kick on Hurricane.  Tajiri thinks he might have just won the match, but Rosey (the legal man) is lurking behind him, picks him up, and nails a wrap-around Sidewalk Slam (I think the TNA fans out there might like me to call it the same thing as Abyss' finisher, but for one, I don't remember the name, and for two, Who's Abyss, anyway?).  One, two, three.  Rosey pins Tajiri and just like that he and Hurricane are off their losing streak.  Very crisp little match, but at maybe 4 minutes, not much of anything to get excited about.  Also: no signs of heelishness at ALL out of Hurricane and Rosey.

Mic Check: At some Undisclosed Location, Tough Questions Todd Grisham is checking his notes and sipping water as technicians get everything ready for his Interview with... well, Kane.  But maybe NOT Lita, despite earlier promises.

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Last Week: Lita loses her baby, but Kane gains a catchphrase. "Snitsky.  Is.  A.  Dead.  Man."  I only go out of my way to recap recaps if they are exceptional, and this was one of them, kids.  They told the "story" part in about 30 seconds (Lita's baby is lost, Snitsky says it's not his fault, etc.), but then for a minute or so, it was all about setting a vibe...  rapid cuts between sound bites and clips of Snitsky's chairshot and Kane destroying furniture at the hospital, all the while underneath there's this "snitsky-snitsky-snitsky-snitsky" from Kane's catchphrase being repeated just below the surface over and over again in at an increasing pace until finally they hit the big finish, which is a replay of "Snitsky is a dead man."  I can't explain why, and it might just be my bizarre appreciation that we have a pro wrestler named "Snitsky," but THIS was my idea of how you meld something that's kind of over-the-top and funny ("snitsky-snitsky-snitsky-snitsky" on the soundtrack) with a serious storyline.

Via Satellite: Todd Grisham has a few questions for Kane.  First, "Will Lita be joining us?"...  Kane says no she won't, because she's still in a state of shock; because no matter what Lita felt about Kane, she DID love their baby, and she's not talking, not eating, nothing.  So Todd follows up with a tepid question about "How are you feeling with all you've been through, Kane?"... and Kane gets indignant, cuz Grisham has no idea what he's been through, and there are not even words to describe his and Lita's feelings.  Because their son (yes, Kane says, they had found out it was a boy) is DEAD.  But he promises their unborn son won't die alone.  Because "Snitsky.  Is.  A.  Dead.  Man."  Some heavy breathing, and we fade out...  really a big fat zero of a segment other than a chance for Kane to get his catchphrase out there; nothing else really substantial.  But short, and to the point, and I LIKE this catchphrase, so no gripes here.  

[SPECIAL NOTE: if at any point in this promo the name "Owen Hart" and the concept "righteous e-mail and/or internet column" occurred to you, please shove a rusty railroad spike through your eyeball immediately, because YOU are part of the problem.  Or at least: tune into OO tomorrow for a good tongue lashing.  I'm still trying to apply my lesson learned from The Broad, and the RAW Recap is NOT the place for extended ranting.  It's the place for recappening... so we return you to normal programming...]

SmackDown! Rebound: In THIS case, I don't recap recaps.

Backstage: Chris Benoit is chatting with William Regal about how he's sure if he gets voted in by the fans, he'll beat HHH and be the World Champ again when Eugene runs in with scissors.  Eugene wants to shave his Uncle Eric's head, apparently.  Token Brutus Beefcake strut here.  But Regal takes the scissors away and says there's better ways for Eugene to be practicing his haircutting, and he'll go set something up.  Left along with Benoit, Eugene makes a playful move towards Benoit's hair, and Benoit gives him an evil "Don't even THINK about it."  Eugene laughs and leaves, and [godammit, I don't WANT to nit-pick, but this was so NOT RIGHT] Benoit hits this big, "Aw what a cute kid" grin as Eugene leaves.  [Better would have been waiting for a pregnant pause after Eugene was long gone, and then kind of a "Heh, the kid is harmless, and I like him" smirk.]

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Gene Snitsky vs. Val Venis

Before the match, they show a pre-tape of Snitsky.  He says he's sorry that Kane and Lita lost their baby (but doesn't sound all that sincere). However, what happened, "It Wasn't My Fault" (so we now have a competing catchphrase!).  And if Kane has a problem with that, he can take it up with Snitsky, face-to-face, next week on RAW. This was exactly as well-delivered as last week's promo, but you know what? I'm starting to think it's PERFECT for what WWE's trying to accomplish.  The content is almost painfully simplistic, and Snitsky's delivery is just this stilted/generic heel thing (he can't say more than 4 words at a stretch without pausing for effect)... but guess what?  It might be a throwback to inept 1970s style promos, instead of today's smoother/more clever/conversational style, but it's EXACTLY what Snitksy needs to do to create a character that is unlikeable (even if at a subconscious level) but which still seems like enough of a Disposable Jobber (instead of a bona fide superstar) that fans will boo him simply for thinking he's in Kane's league.  Does that make sense?  I hope so, cuz it wasn't a GOOD promo, but I'm thinking it was an EFFECTIVE one.

I give the promo primacy here because the match itself was nothing.  About 2 minutes, and Val got surprisingly little offense.  This was NOT portrayed as Snitsky once again surprising a real superstar, this was portrayed as Snitsky being "possessed" because he's sick of hearing how he's guilty of killing Lita's baby.  JR said if the guy was using THIS as motivation, he wasn't quite right in the head.  Finish was a big boot followed up with a side-sling Pumphandle Slame.  Total squash.  [Request for Live Crowd at MSG next week: the "Baby Killer, clap clap clapclapclap" chant directed at Snitsky is OK, I guess, but I REALLY think that the right chant would be "You're a Dead Man, clap clap clapclapclap."]

Self-Congratulatory Theatre: a video package talking about how WM21 tickets went on sale and sold out in even less time than this silly little video package lasts...

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The Twilight Zone

Kids, I won't lie; when Ric Flair hit the ring, I had no idea where this was going, and I will have analysis/ranting about how something this good, something this BIG shouldn't have come out of nowhere later...  but for now, let's just appreciate Randy Orton's finest promo ever.  Completely unexpected, but almost completely without fault, too.  What's next, cats and dogs living together?

To keep my voice out of it, and to let you all get the clearest possible picture of how good this was, I turn you over to The Cubs Fan, who (completely unbidden) turned in this word-for-word transcript.  Big thanks to him.  And I turn you over to him, as we join Ric Flair in the center of the ring:

Flair: [flair asks for the music to be cut]

“I’ve got a real problem, as a matter of fact, I’ve got THREE real problems. Number One is Randy Orton, Number Two is the use of the word ‘great’, and Number Three and, most importantly of all, the use of the word ‘legend’.

Randy Orton, the day you became World Heavyweight Champion, you automatically became ‘great’. Make no mistake, it’s a very select group, only the real good ones get to be GREAT. If you’re world champion, you are GREAT. Orton, that would be you.

But. I’m really struggling with this pat on the back, this t-shirt you’re wearing, everyone around here kissing your butt, telling you you’re a Legend Killer.

[Ric mini-struts while the crowd reacts, and then takes off his coat to prompt even more of a reaction.]

I wanna know – which legend did you kill? Shawn Michaels? Arguably – ARGUABLY – the greatest performer of all time! But a legend? Not a chance! [boos]

Harley Race? A legend – but a guy I wore out every time I was in this building. [cascading boos]

Bret Hart? A guy sitting home, looking in the mirror, pictures of himself on the wall, a legend? I don’t think so.

Hogan? Who aspires to be a Hollywood star? A legend, I don’t think so.

And Mick Foley? Mick Foley! [loudest positive crowd reaction – Flair falls down in mocking fashion] A human stuntman, a legend, NEVER.

There’s one legend – THERE’S ONE LEGEND that can walk that aisle, [voice cracking] looking only as he can look! And tell you – and tell you or your mother or your grandmother – that he’s a legend. And that’s ME. Sixteen times! Sixteen times! Sixteen times! The World Heavyweight Champion! Sixteen times! Sixteen! WOOO [ministrut] ME! And Randy Orton, you might be great, but until you beat the Nature Boy – WOOO – you’ll never be a legend killer. Great? Yes. Legend Killer? Never, because I-“

[Orton’s music interrupts.]

Orton: “So that’s what you think Ric, that’s what you think? Well, I got no problem directly to your face that you are…the greatest legend that this business has ever seen. You’re Ric Flair, DAMNIT, You’re RIC FLAIR! I idolized you as a kid, man, I looked up to you, Ric, you have no idea. I used to make sure no one was looking, sneak into my parent’s bedroom, slip on their bathrobe, and hohoho [struts] WOOOO, you know it baby! If you’re going to laugh, laugh, but I – you were in my heart, I looked up to you Ric. And I gotta tell you, being a part of Evolution made me so proud to stand by you, learn from you, learn from the best, and I learned a lot, and I could’ve learned more. I could’ve learned a lot more. And the truth is, I don’t believe I could’ve beat Chris Benoit for the World Title if it wasn’t for you. Ric Flair, you are the Man!

[Flair takes in the adulation]

Which is why it’s so tragic to see what you become. [ooooohs] You come out here, you tell me, you tell all these people that I’m full of it, for calling myself the Legend Killer? Well I think you’re full of it for coming out here every Monday and telling the whole world Triple H is the best wrestler in the world today. I know it’s know true, I’m pretty sure all of these people know it’s not true [yaaays], and Ric Flair, I know deep down inside your heart, you know it’s not true either.”

Flair: “I know what you’re trying to do – and I was starting to like you for a minute! You were on the right track! But don’t try to mix it up with me and Triple H, because I’m qualified to call the shot! He’s the greatest wrestler alive today!”

Orton: “Listen to yourself! Listen to yourself, Ric! The Ric Flair, I know, the Ric Flair that idolized would never say that! Think about it, think about all the classic matches, the interviews, the championship, your career spans over FOUR decades! Ric, you are The MAN – BUT, you do whatever Triple H tells you to do! You’re not a Legend, you’re a lapdog. You’re a glorified - [pause as Flair’s eyeballs threaten to pummel Orton] – you’re a glorified cheerleader, Ric! And I see it in your eyes, when, when Ric Flair…Ric, when Triple H tells you to do something, when he barks an order at you, I see it on your eyes, you want to look at him in the face and say, ‘I’m not your lackey, I’m Ric Flair!, the Limousine Riding, Jet Flying, Wheeling Dealing, Kiss Stealing WOOO Son of a Gun’ – but you DON’T SAY THAT. He tells you do something, and you do it. So Ric, this generation, this generation is going to remember Ric Flair for kissing Triple H’s ass. [pause] And there’s only one man who can save the legacy of the greatest wrestler alive – the legacy of the wrestler being flushed down the toilet. Ric Flair, that man is YOU. You can make a choice, you can take a stand, you don’t have to take it any more, hear me? Ric Flair, you know damn well that a true Legend, a true Legend takes crap from nobody.”

[Orton drops the mic. Stare. Orton leaves, pointing as his head.]

JR: Folks, all I can say is, the truth hurts King: I don’t think Ric Flair has ever been talked to like that, by anyone, in his life.