"Kane v. Gene Snitsky. The two men start withhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhkkkkkkkkkkllllllllllllllllllllllllllll."
 

One last warning: I'll be doing plenty of ranting in this one, so I'll try and format it so those of you who missed the show and don't have a lot of time to read should be able to skim it easily and get a pretty good idea of what happened.

Okay, I think that's everything. Onward!

Last week: Edge turned heel and speared Benoit and HBK. It was good.

Opening Theme/Pyro. Live from Chicago.

Later tonight: Chris Jericho and Randy Orton v. Ric Flair and Batista. Also, HBK v. Benoit v. Edge. Also, a debate. Ummm… yay? They've also got a clock in the lower corner of the screen, counting down the minutes until voting starts. That's a pretty nice touch.

Bischoff Promo, from WWE's Department of Redundancy Department

We open with Bischoff in the ring, dressed in his karate gear. He calls out Eugene, who comes out to a nice pop from the crowd. Bischoff then proceeds to cut the same promo he's given us against Eugene a thousand times before: you embarrass me, I'm gonna beat you, you're not a real wrestler. Eugene looks sad, blah blah blah blah blah. He runs down the stipulations for Taboo Tuesday (forced servitude, wearing a dress, shaving your head.)

Eric tells Eugene that he's not out there to fight him, and instead introduces none other than Gene Snitsky as his opponent. Woohoo! Snitsky Snitsky Snitsky! Snitsky.

Gene SNITSKY! v. Eugene

J.R. points out that Kane has been barred from the building. Um, wouldn't it have helped for Bischoff to announce that instead, so the fans in the arena wouldn't have been waiting the entire time for Kane to run out? Just wondering.

Snitsky opens with a bitchslap and clubbing blows to the back of the head. Kicking in the corner, followed by choking. Irish whip into a backdrop on Eugene. Snitsky drops a few elbows for two. We get a minute of extremely generic offense from Snitsky; think Batista when he first debuted, only worse. Eugene hulks up with punches and a sunset flip. To the outside, and Snitsky rams Eugene back-first into the ring post.

Back in, and a Rock Bottom attempt from Eugene is cut off by Snitsky. Pump-handle slam on Eugene, and that's all she wrote. How bad do you have to be to steal your finishing move from Test? Speaking of which, what the hell ever happened to him, anyway? Actually, I don't care, so please don't send me e-mails about it. Just thinking out loud is all.

Winner: Gene Snitsky

Post-match: Snitsky goes for a chair but is stopped by William Regal. Snitsky fights him off and hits him with a really awful-looking chairshot while the crowd chants for Kane. Inside, Bischoff hits Eugene with a spin kick and walks off as his music plays. Interesting that WWE has to actually dumb down a character who is mentally retarded to create any anxiety with the fans that he might lose his big PPV match. Eugene didn't come off very well, either. (Hah! See what I did there? Snitsky is retar… oh, never mind.)

Up Next: HBK, Edge, and Benoit OMG DEBATE~!

[ads]

Masterpiece Theatre

Todd Grisham is here to moderate, and introduces our three candidates: Edge, Chris Benoit, and Shawn Michaels. You know, our presidential debates would have been a lot more fun if Bush and Kerry were forced to wear rhinestone-studded leather chaps like Shawn's. Smell the ratings! Grisham announces that all three men have agreed to keep this debate strictly verbal, with no physical altercations. Which means that there will be a physical altercation. Thanks, Captain Obvious. I won't transcribe this word-for-word, but here's the basic gist of it.

Grisham: Edge, why should you face Trips tomorrow?
Edge: Because I've never had (read: earned) the opportunity. I've never been in a championship match. [Hate to stop you there, Edge, but didn't you wrestle Brock Lesnar at one point on Smackdown?] It's my turn, dammit. Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

Grisham: Benoit, same question.
Benoit: Edge? Shut up. I won't forget what you did last week. I've made Triple H AND Shawn Michaels tap out, at least before I got jobbed out to Randy Orton.
Edge: Oh yeah? You haven't made me tap out. [Again, I point everyone back to Smackdown! in the fall of 2002.] I know you are, but what am I?

Grisham: Shawn? Your turn.
HBK: Duh. Besides, I have a super-duper secret plan to beat Trips tomorrow. So shut up, Edge. Again. But say, how 'bout we have our Triple Threat match right now?
Edge: [to Grisham] Out of the way, Sparky. [To HBK and Benoit] You may have beaten Triple H, but you can't beat me.

Okay, how awesome would it have been for one of these guys to play the Ross Perot role, complete with an exaggerated Southern accent and pie charts and shit? Damn, I miss Perot. Dude was insane, but at least he was funny. The three men come to blows, and HBK accidentally superkicks Grisham into next week. Edge bails, leaving Benoit and HBK to stare him down from the ring. Remember, kids: Vote or Die! P. Diddy told me so.

[ads]

Shut Up, Lawler (a.k.a. Trish, Gail Kim, and Molly Holly v. Stacy Keibler, Victoria, and Nidia)

Before the match, Lawler drools over the attire that the divas could possibly wear tomorrow: nurse uniforms, French maid outfits, or schoolgirl uniforms. Stacy is wearing a miniskirt to "wrestle" in tonight.

Remember that "Window Dressing No More" bit that I wrote last fall? I take it all back.

Trish attacks Stacy to start, going after the left leg. Stacy tries a cradle for two. Trish tags in Molly, who works on the leg for a few minutes. J.R. asks, "Could you imagine Molly Holly in a nurses outfit, French maid uniform, or a schoolgirl outfit?" in a tone of voice that suggests he's referring to someone like the Undertaker. I'll tell you, J.R.: she'd probably look quite pretty. Now Shut. Up. Molly tags in Gail, who continues to work the leg and gets a two-count. Molly back in. Stacy eats turnbuckle, and Trish chokes out Stacy behind the ref's back. Stacy boots Gail and dodges Molly, tagging in Victoria.

Vickie clotheslines and punches everyone, and a Black Widow on Gail for two (and props to Lawler for actually correctly calling the move.) That gets two, broken up by Molly. Nidia dropkicks her out of the ring. Gail rolls up Vickie, broken up by Stacy. Stacy low-bridges Trish, Widow's Peak on Gail, 3 count. Really, was there a point to this? Trish and Nidia were never even tagged in, and one of the participants in tomorrow's useless Battle Royal (Jazz) wasn't even present. Sigh.

Winners: Victoria, Stacy Keibler, and Nidia

[ads]

Earlier tonight, Snitsky wreaked havoc and whacked Regal with a steel chair. Hmmm… what do you think the fans will choose tomorrow to be the weapon of choice in his match with Kane? I say the lead pipe. In the Library. With Colonel Mustard.

Backstage: Masterpiece Theatre, Part II

Snitsky is bragging to someone on his cell phone, only to be interrupted by Lita, who stares him down and slaps his phone away. Lita says she came to look Snitsky in the eye, calls him a bastard, and starts slapping away. Remember the time Jennifer Lopez hosted Saturday Night Live and got into a catfight with Chris Kattan's "Mango" character? That's kind of what this looked like. Lita screams, "You say it's not your fault? Whose fault is it then, huh? Huh?!" maniacally. Snitsky shoves her against the wall and tells her again that it wasn't his fault: "Tomorrow night, your husband's gonna lose his match, just like you lost your baby." Ooooooh, burn.

At the Announce Table: J.R. and Lawler pimp Orton's match with Flair for tomorrow, and show footage of Orton on Jimmy Kimmel, where Kimmel makes fun of Flair for being older than dirt.

Backstage: Flair stares blank-eyed at a television screen after watching the Kimmel footage while Batista looks concerned. Trips walks in wearing a smart suit, asking if they're ready for their match. Flair isn't answering, so Trips gives him a pep talk. "You'll be laughing later tonight, when [Orton's] tongue is hanging out of his mouth and his chest is bleeding." Uh, that sounds kinky. And disgusting. Trips asks again if Flair is all right, and Flair claims he's never been better.

[ads]

Last week: Batista attacked Jericho and killed him dead with a power bomb.

Ric Flair and Batista v. Chris Jericho and Randy Orton

I cannot stress enough how much Orton's theme song sucks. Jericho and Batista start. Y2J dropkicks Batista and stomps away in the corner. Shoulders to the gut, but Batista swats him off. Clubbing forearms to the back, and Flair is tagged in. Jericho tags in Orton. Flair and Orton trade punches and chops in a heated exchange. Flair dumps Orton, and Jericho goes after Flair with chops. He's elbowed down by Flair, who rakes the eyes and hits punches and chops. Orton runs back in and cleans house, which is a perfect time for some

[ads]

We're back, and Jericho hits a second-turnbuckle dropkick on Batista. He goes for the Wall, but Flair runs in and gets chopped for his efforts. Batista with a HUGE backbreaker on Y2J for two. Flair tags in. Punches and chops in the corner while Jericho plays babyface-in-peril. Batista back in with a vertical suplex for two. Camel clutch, continuing to work Jericho's back. Flair back in, trading chops with Jericho. They fight over a backslide, which Y2J wins for two. More chops, Batista back in. He continues to work the back with knees and Irish whips into the turnbuckles. Bearhug on Jericho. Isn't wrestling homoerotic enough without that move?

Jericho tries to fight out, but gets slammed for his troubles and tossed outside. He backdrops Flair onto the mats. Batista pull Jericho back in, and goes for another backbreaker. Y2J flips out of another, though, and hits the running enziguri. Both men are out, tags all around. Orton goes apeshit on Flair with clotheslines and a back-body drop (what else?) Scoop powerslam on Flair, which was kind of nice since I don't see Randy do that very often. The count is broken by Batista, and Jericho tags himself back in and gets a cross-body on Batista. Bulldog for Flair, springboard dropkick for Batista. Flair chops him down, and Orton goes for an RKO, but gets shoved into the ref instead.

Flair hits a low-blow on Orton, and Jericho goes for the Walls on Flair. He taps, but no ref. Batista murders Jericho with a clothesline, and Flair puts on the figure four. Jericho weakly taps out, still knocked silly.

Winners: Ric Flair and Batista

[ads]

Video montage of WWE's recent European tour is shown.

Meanwhile, Lawler uses a laptop to vote for the divas to wear the schoolgirl uniforms. Pervert.

Surprise McMahon Appearance!

Vince, thankfully, shows up and Lawler instantly switches gears from "pedophile" to "kiss ass." Vince shills Taboo Tuesday, going on about how the power is totally in the hands of the fans. Right, Vince. Had I really been able to vote on what I want to see, Jericho would be facing Trips for the belt. And winning it. Before Vince can go on too long, Christian interrupts.

The CLB attempts a cheap pop and says that he just sincerely wants to thank all the fans for their support through all these years. Of course, that has nothing to do with the PPV tomorrow at all, he says; he merely wants to be the gracious superstar that he is. Aw. Christian asks Mr. McMahon to endorse him as the top candidate for the IC Title match, and I can't help but wonder what the point of this is. If the fans are supposed to decide, who gives a shit what Vince thinks? But Christian's really on tonight, so I'll let it slide.

Tajiri then interrupts, calling Christian a "riar." He thinks Vince should choose Tajiri, because he loves Mr. McMahon! He then forcibly hugs Vince, who is less than enthused. Christian gets in on the act, too, until Vince shoves them both off in disgust. Heh. Vince has an idea, but wait! Coach is out to plead his own case to McMahon. Then comes Rhyno, who wants to gore Coach and Christian, then Hurricane and finally Shelton Benjamin. Before Shelton can speak, Vince cuts him off and makes a six-man elimination match. Whoever wins can have Mr. McMahon's endorsement. Again, is there a point to this?

Six-Man Elimination Match for Vince McMahon's Endorsement: Shelton Benjamin v. Rhyno v. Tajiri v. Christian v. Hurricane v. Coach

Vince joins J.R. and Lawler for commentary. Hurricane and Christian start off with chain wrestling. Drop toehold on Christian and a cradle for one. Flying clothesline for two. Christian tags in Tajiri, and we get a minute of fast-paced cruiserweight goodness from the Japanese Buzzsaw and the Hurricane. They trade headscissors, and Tajiri gets a kick to the back of the head for two. Vertical suplex on Tajiri. Tajiri eats boot, but Hurricane is hot-shotted by Christian, allowing Tajiri to pick up the pin. And right now is a good time for some

[ads]

We're back. Tajiri is inexplicably gone. He must have been eliminated during the break, but how, we don't know. The announcers aren't much help, either, giving a three-second mention to it and not showing us any footage. I can hear The Rick screaming at his TV all the way from Dayton. During the break, Coach got knocked off the apron, and we now find him reluctantly tagged in by Christian. Rhyno gores the shit out of him for the pin. Christian immediately gets the Unprettier, eliminating Rhyno. Final two: Christian and Shelton Benjamin.

Christian slaps Shelton -- what's up with all the bitchslapping tonight? Did they not stock the green room with Midol? -- and gets dropped. Shelton gets two, and Christian for some reason has blood on his left side. The hell? Shelton pounds away and gets a cool-looking inverted neckbreaker. Christian rakes the eyes and hangs Shelton on the ropes, knocking him down the floor. Back in for two. Shelton fights back and hits the dragon whip spinkick thingy. Offensive flurry for Benjamin, and a Russian legsweep gets two. Northern lights suplex gets two. Christian begs off, and gets cradled for two. Splash in the corner is ducked, and Christian only gets two, despite holding the ropes. Shelton goes up top, but gets slammed off. Christian goes for Unprettier, but it's reversed into a t-bone suplex for the pin!

Winner: Shelton Benjamin

Vince stands up from the announce table and gives Shelton his endorsement. But Shelton has other ideas. He grabs a mic, calls McMahon "Vince," and thanks him. He then goes on to say that he doesn't give a damn about Vince's endorsement. What Shelton cares about is impressing the fans, and tonight he went through "Five... I'm sorry, four guys and Coach" (heh) and he will become the new Intercontinental Champion. Big pop for that. Enjoy that, Shelton, because there's not a chance in hell that you'd get cheered over Jericho if you win in the voting.

[ads]

J.R. informs us that over one million votes have already been cast. Well, that's not as impressive you consider that each person had to cast multiple votes for the various matches and stipulations. Nice try, though.

Chicago Slutfest

Christy and Carmella are both standing in the ring, flanking Lillian Garcia. Looks like they each will get 30 seconds to explain to the crowd which stipulation they would like to be chosen for the PPV. Will the excitement never cease? Carmella woodenly pretends to be a heel, wanting an aerobics competition. Oooookay. She refuses to do a bra and panties or evening gown match. Question: how the fuck does Carmella hold her eyes open with so much makeup on them?

Christy takes the mic and sucks up to the fans, saying that she'll do anything that they want, and is prepared to beat Carmella in all three matches. She mentions that the last time she was in the ring, she kissed Eugene. But tonight, she's going to kiss... she looks around, and her eyes fall on Lillian. Ms. Garcia looks a bit weirded out, but doesn't protest too much when Christy kisses her. Here's another question, keeping fan participation in mind -- A light, quick brushing of lips between two women when one of the participants is less than willing is:

a) Not all that hot.
b) Ill-advised.
c) A fucking waste of my time.
d) A segment that should have been scrapped to give the main event more time.
e) All of the above.

Take a guess, people. Carmella shoves Christy to the mat and walks off.

J.R. and Lawler run down the lineup for Taboo Tuesday, and show a clip of the three-way debate from earlier (sans Perot, sadly.) The Triple Threat match is up next!

[ads]

Last week: Edge pinned Triple H and acted like a bitch in the process.

Edge v. Chris Benoit v. Shawn Michaels (Triple Threat Match)

Trips joins us for commentary. Benoit stops at the top of the ramp to stare at Triple H. J.R.: "Jericho lookin' right at you, Triple H." Trips: "Benoit is, too." Hah.

Before the match starts, Trips makes it clear for the umpteenth time that he hates the concept of Taboo Tuesday. We get it, Scooter, now shut it. He also says that he won't know who his opponent will be until he's in the ring, which isn't true. If the two men who don't win have to face La Resistance as a tag team, wouldn't that clue in the Cerebral Assassin as to the identity of the #1 Contender? Unless WWE plans to have the tag match after the World Title match, which seems highly unlikely.

Benoit and HBK double-team Edge to start, clotheslining him out of the ring. Michaels chops Benoit. Now why the fuck would anyone in their right mind try that? Even Flair has no business getting in a chopping war with Benoit. The Wolverine responds in kind, and gets knocked down by Edge. Edge clotheslines HBK and spears Benoit off the apron, following him outside. HBK with a baseball slide and a springboard cross body to the mat. Everyone's out, so it's time for some

[ads]

We're back, with Michaels and Benoit fighting it out. Crossface, which Edge breaks up. Vertical suplex on Benoit, and punches in the corner. Benoit Irish-whipped HARD into the turnbuckle. Edge pulls HBK back up, only to hotshot him. Backbreaker on Benoit gets two. Benoit fights back with chops, but takes a sternum-first turnbuckle bump, channeling Bret Hart. That gets two. Triple H makes a great point: all three of his potential opponents are beating the hell out of each other, while he has the night off. It's not like the guys have until Sunday to recover, so I'm surprised that J.R. and King haven't been hammering that point home all night. Actually, I'm really not.

HBK goes up but gets punched by Edge, which, Benoit breaks up with a waistlock, going for a German suplex. In a nifty spot, HBK sunset flips over both of them and grabs Benoit, and momentum finally carries Benoit's German suplex on Edge over the top. HBK gets two with that. When he gets up, he's limping.

I wasn't sure if the knee injury was legitimate or not, but upon watching the tape, I'm leaning towards the notion that it was real (insert your own jokes here.) Shawn's had documented knee problems this year, and I've never seen him selling to the point of making his own moves look bad. Then again, it was almost a little too convenient for Triple H to have some snarky commentary ready and waiting for this very moment, but he is a smart guy. So I don't know, but I can't understand why else a wrestler would start limping after a sunset flip. If he really was hurt, big props for working through the pain. And if he wasn't... well, it was one of the most brilliant sell-jobs I've ever seen. So kudos either way.

HBK hits a half-speed flying forearm on Benoit, and another on Edge. He tries kipping up, but can't support his weight enough to do it. Inverted atomic drop on Benoit doesn't work, either, so he goes for a clothesline instead. Up top, and a flying elbow with an awkward landing. He warms up the band -- stomping with his "uninjured" leg and supporting his weight with the ropes -- but gets caught with a hat trick of German suplexes. It's right around this point that Trips starts telling the home viewers that Shawn is probably just faking the injury to get sympathy, and I need not make a joke about that. Flying headbutt connects. Benoit dodges the spear and Edge hits the ringpost instead while Benoit gets two on HBK. Sharpshooter on Edge, but Sweet Chin Music breaks that up. All three men are down.

Edge wishbones HBK's nuts on the ringpost, and pins Benoit for two. Spear is dodged again, countered into a crossface attempt, which Benoit then turns into a roll-up. Edge reverses that, and grabs the tights and ropes to get the pin.

Winner: Edge

Benoit and Edge stare down to close the show, while Trips poses at the announce table with his belt. Shawn is still down. End credits.