One last warning: if you're looking for an impartial recap devoid of commentary, you might want to look elsewhere. I'm just sayin'.

Cold Open: Live from Indianapolis

No pyro tonight; we go straight to La Resistance, who are in the ring, flags and microphones in hand. Just before a rousing rendition of "O Canada," Maven's music interrupts.

Maven?! Oh, for fuck's sake. I picked the wrong week to be recapping RAW. I expect Jericho or Benoit or, god forbid, even Orton and I get Maven? Time to break out the rum. I actually do like the guy, and remember a promo he cut on Kurt Angle in 2002 right after he was shaved bald... he does have a natural charisma and is pretty good on the mic (well, as best as I could tell from the one promo I've seen him cut in my lifetime.) This might not suck.

Maven's out and looking happy, and dressed quite sharply, I might add. So sharply, in fact, that he looks like a member of Evolution. Ahem. He goes for the cheap pop and announces that he is our General Manager for tonight, and the crowd goes along with it. I even hear a few "Maven" chants. He runs down the list of matches that he's made for tonight: a briefly-reunited Edge and Christian against Chris Benoit and Shelton Benjamin (because this show needs some OMG WORKRATE~!), Coach versus J.R. (because we haven't seen enough of this classic feud), Christy Hemme and Stacy Keibler in a Lingerie Pillow Fight (because Maven hates me), and Maven versus Triple H for the World Title (duh.) The crowd seems to be on board with this.

But he hasn't forgotten about La Resistance, either. They're going to put their World Tag Titles on the line tonight -- in a three-team elimination match! Maven introduces La Rez's opponents: Tajiri and Rhyno, and Eugene and William Regal. I must say, Maven really came off as a natural on the mic. He didn't try too hard and looked like he was genuinely enjoying himself; that's a rare thing in wrestling these days.

La Resistance v. Tajiri/Rhyno v. Eugene/William Regal (Elimination Match, World Tag Team Titles)

Conway and Rhyno start. Basic offense with Rhyno running over Conway and stomping in the corner. Punchy punchy punchy, Tajiri is tagged in. There's a nasty spot where Rhyno holds Conway in a Camel Clutch, while Tajiri dropkicks him in the face. Ouch. That gets two, and Conway tags in Eugene and rolls out of the ring. Big pop for Eugene. We get a minute or two of some mat-wrestling goodness, filled with tons of near-falls, pinning combos, and reversals out the wazoo. Both men get a nice pop for that. Ah, remember that? Pops for awesome ringwork? How I've missed you, Respect Pops. It's been a while. Of course, it's kind of hard to notice you when all Lawler can talk about is the fucking Lingerie match we're going to see later. Couldn't Maven have kept that match a secret and spare my ears for the first 3/4 of the show? Yeah, it's official. I now hate Maven. Eugene with a headlock takeover, which Tajiri counters into a bow and arrow, and right now would be a good time for some...

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We're back, with Eugene... um... riding Tajiri like a horse. Conway tags himself in and goes after Tajiri, only to be hit with a handspring elbow and a few kicks. Tajiri is knocked down, and Grenier is tagged in. Knees, legdrops, suplexes, and backbreakers on Tajiri for a few two-counts. Rhyno tags himself in and kills Grenier with a flying clothesline and a belly-to-belly suplex. Gore misses, and Conway pins Rhyno with a little help from Grenier on the outside.

Regal comes in with a northern lights suplex, broken up by Conway. Eugene tags in. Eugene tries to hulk up, but he's yanked outside and double-teamed behind the ref's back. Grenier works a boring resthold, and Conway tags in and pounds Eugene in the corner. Eugene fights back with a Rock Bottom, and gets the hot tag to Regal. Regal cleans house with punches and suplexes. Conway tries to use the flag, but Regal gets out of the way and hits Grenier with a high knee. Regal starts to go for the pin, but tags Eugene in instead. One People's Elbow later, and that's all she wrote.

Winners and NEW World Tag Team Champions: William Regal and Eugene

Okay, I wasn't expecting that, but it was nice. We have the tag belts on a team that's actually over, and this was a good way to establish that strange things can happen while an interim GM runs the show. Eugene brings a few kids in the ring to celebrate with him, and I wonder if the JYD tribute even registers with the live crowd. Fun match.

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Some Stupid Bimbo Interviewing William Regal

I forgot the name of this new interviewing chick already (I just checked. It's Maria), but good god, could she be any worse? It's as if she's incapable of reading the cue cards. Sound it out, honey. Regal interviews that he's thrilled to have won the tag belts, and that Eugene is proof that if you work hard enough, you can achieve anything. And right then, Eugene decides to show up and douses both Regal and the interviewer (who is conveniently wearing a white shirt) with chocolate milk. Regal makes quite a show out of drying off Maria's boobs, which I would ordinarily hate, but Regal can somehow pull it off without seeming like a pervert. Eugene gets distracted by Maria's boobs. Regal: "Eugene, stop it! You'll go blind!" Heh. "I, on the other hand, don't mind losing an eye." Don't push it, Regal, you're on my good side.

The Promo That Wouldn't Die (Extended Director's Cut, with Bonus Footage)

Maven is WALKING! backstage. He stops for a moment to hit on some bimbo, then heads to his office for the night, muttering to himself that "It's good to be GM." And who does he find inside, hangin' out with a cup of coffee? Triple H, and he wants to chat. Maven, you might want to sit down, because this will take a while.

Trips asks if Maven is pumped for his title match tonight, and points out that Maven isn't exactly in the best of shape after being killed by Snitsky (Snitsky Snitsky Snitsky!) last night. Triple H throws a proposition out of left field: why not join Evolution instead? Maven says he's got friends and isn't afraid of playing hurt, but Trips points out that his friends weren't around to help him when Snitsky attacked. Maven may or may not win the title tonight, but joining Evolution is a sure bet. Maven's "friends" will only turn on him if he wins the title. Et tu, Trips? Trips says he will never lie to Maven. And also: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah please dear God MAKE IT STOP! A few weeks ago I said that I prefer backstage skits to in-ring promos, but I take it all back if you can make this pain go away.

This could have been an awesome, effective two-minute speech from the Cerebral Assassin. We've seen him do it before, and when he's on, he is ON. Unfortunately for us, this turned into a self-indulgent, long-winded, repetitive pile of mind-numbing crap. This started off as a really cool mind game and morphed into Trips listening to the sound of his own voice. Six minutes is a very long time for a backstage skit with only two people and one point to make. Remember that whole thing about anvils? Yeah.

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Last night: Lita broke Trish's nose. Trish bled.

PMS Theater: Lita v. Molly Holly

Hey, look! Two divas who haven't been fired! HUGE Lita chant to start. Lita with a snap suplex and kip-up. Kicks and head butts to Molly's groin (how does that work?) Clotheslines in the corners, but Molly dodges the second one in a sloppy-looking spot. Handspring elbow from Molly, followed by a snap suplex that gets two. Lita gets a headscissors, clothesline, monkey flip, and side Russian leg sweep for two. Molly fights back, but Lita counters with a sleeper.

I'd like to stop and point out a bit of Jerry Lawler's commentary: "Look at [Lita.] She just got made because Trish told her the truth. Look at her. She's about ready to fall out of that top... Trish said she still had a bit of that pregnancy weight, and..." Jerry? FUCK YOU, you stupid chauvinistic jackoff. I know you're trying to be a heel, but the next time you feel like mocking a diva's weight (even if you don't really mean it), take a look at your own fat ass in wrestling tights before you open your goddamned mouth.

Ahem. Molly taps out, and Lita pulls away with a creepy grin that is eerily reminiscent of Kane's. Okay, so maybe I don't care for Lita all that much, but that was awesome. There wasn't much to the match, but the point was made: Lita's back, and she's pissed.

Winner: Lita

Post-match, Trish interrupts Lita's celebration, wearing a mask to protect her broken nose. Trish cuts a great snotty promo about having to cover up her beautiful face, and storms down to the ring. Molly attacks Lita, but gets flattened by a DDT. Trish gets all up in Lita's personal space, only to get pie-faced. Heh. Trish throws a tantrum while a smug Lita walks off. I'd be smug, too, if there were only three other divas in the entire division to compete with now that most of them have been fired. Seriously, people: at the end of this match, you were looking at 75% of the women's division (those who can actually wrestle, at least.)

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RAW Interactive Poll Question: Will Maven join Evolution tonight?

Mid-Show Filler Theater: J.R. v. The Coach

Coach is out in the ring, taunting J.R. and calling him down to the ring. J.R. makes a big show out of removing his jacket, glasses, and tie, and strolls down the ramp. Once in the ring, however, Maven appears on the TitanTron like the Great and Powerful Oz. And here's what he has to say:

"Coach, Coach, Coach. I think you got the wrong idea. When I told you you were facing J.R., I didn't mean Jim Ross there in the ring. Coach, that's my bad... I apologize. In fact, your opponent tonight isn't J.R.... you know what? The 'J' is actually silent. To be more specific, there is an 'R.' An RKO."

I think I speak for everyone when I say, "The hell?" I think that was supposed to be cute, but the logic baffles me.

Randy Orton v. The Coach

Randy runs out to his shitty entrance music, and catches Coach before he can escape through the crowd. Coach gets punched and hung up on the ropes by his nuts. Randy toys with Coach for a while, looking like he's going to punch him but instead poking him in the eye. Okay, that was kinda funny. RKO, 1-2-3.

Winner: Randy Orton

Backstage: Todd Grisham is standing by with Edge and Christian. Edge complains that he should be facing Trips for the title tonight, not the undeserving Maven, and bitches about having to wrestle in a tag match. Christian is all, "Chill out. Don't strain your voice box and miss another six months of action." Ouch. Captain Charisma points out that the last time he was in a major tag match on RAW, he pinned the guy that stood in the way of Edge's title quest: Shawn Michaels. Double ouch. Edge suggests a five-second pose, which turns out to be a big fat middle finger right in front of the camera. Before the FCC can shit themselves, the editors quickly cut to a graphic hyping the tag match later tonight. Heh. I like Edge SO much better as a heel.

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Backstage: Randy Orton is strolling around, still smiling after humiliating Coach. He spots Maven and thanks him for the match, and asks how it feels to have a title shot. Maven looks all conflicted, and Orton quickly guesses that Maven's thinking about joining Evolution. Randy tries to convince him otherwise, essentially saying, "I've been there, it's not worth it." Maven: "When you were in Evolution, how long were you IC champ?" Randy: "Eight months." Man's got a point, Randy. Maven rightly points out that Orton has a good reason for wanting Trips to lose the title tonight, since he can't get a shot at the title otherwise. Randy doesn't seem to know what to say to that.

Edge/Christian (with Goat Boy) v. Chris Benoit/Shelton Benjamin

I can't decide if I like Christian's new entrance theme, but that sparkly hooded jacket he's wearing is all kinds of awesome. Benoit, not to be outdone, is sporting some new yellow tights. Have I mentioned how much I hated Benoit being eliminated so quickly last night?

Christian jumps Benoit to start, but takes a knee to the gut and some vicious chops. I mean, just, DAMN. Shelton in. Christian is tossed in the air only to come back down face-first (is that an official move? Does it have a name?), and that gets two. Edge tags in and pounds on Shelton while taunting Benoit. Snap suplex on Shelton for two. Punches in the corner, and Shelton fights back, but eats boot. Clothesline from Edge, Christian tags in. And Lawler still won't shut up about the Lingerie Pillow Fight. Sigh. Punches and choking on Shelton in the corner. Monkey flip, but Benjamin lands neatly on his feet and powerslams Christian for two. Edge back in, and stomps away. Facebuster on Edge, Benoit back in. Edge (wisely) runs away, and he and Christian argue on the outside. They both end up eating side-by-side baseball slides. And there's your setup for some...

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Back in with Edge getting a near fall on Shelton. He goes to the armbar. During the break, Tomko attacked Benjamin on the outside. Shelton rolls out, only to eat a big boot. Count is broken by Benoit. Double team on Shelton, Christian in for two. Christian works the arm, with Edge helping while the ref is distracted. Shelton fights out of the armbar, only to be taken down again for two. Yet again, Lawler annoys the hell out of me by acting surprised that Edge and Christian work well together as a team. Must. Not. Break. Television. Shelton dodges a double-team and hits Edge with that dragon-whip leg kick thingy (would it kill this kid to name his signature moves?) Hot tag to Benoit, who is a house afire. Three Germans on Christian, but Tomko interjects, only to be accidentally knocked off the apron by Edge's spear. Edge eats a hat trick of Germans of his own. Benoit goes for the headbutt, but Christian interferes. Benjamin hits his Splash to break that up, and Christian eats headbutt. Crossface is locked in, and Christian quickly taps.

Winners: Chris Benoit and Shelton Benjamin

Post-match, Edge looks all pissed and beats the hell out of his brother (Grandma Edna wouldn't approve.) Anyone else notice that the announcers seem to have forgotten that these two are supposed to be related? I didn't hear a single mention of it tonight. What's that all about?

Backstage: Maven is on his cell phone talking to someone about his Big Dilemma. Flair interrupts, though, with scantily-clad babes to entice Maven to join Evolution. If what we saw earlier was to be believed, though, I don't think Maven has any problem picking up chicks on his own, so this seemed kind of silly.

Up Next: The Lingerie Pillow Fight. Whee.

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Just Kill Me Now, Please: Stacy v. Christy, Lingerie Pillow Fight

Couldn't they be teaching Christy how to actually wrestle instead of making her do this crap? I'm not even going to recap this, because it doesn't warrant it: the girls swing pillows at each other like idiots, feathers fly, and Christy somehow pins Stacy. You couldn't pay me to care.

Winner: Christy

Backstage: Triple H was watching the last "match," and drools over Christy. Batista interrupts: "I've been thinking, man...." Trips: "That's the problem, man, you thinking. I thought I smelled smoke. Ha! Just kidding!" Batista expresses concern over offering Maven membership in Evolution. Why not just kill him and be done with it? Are you afraid of losing? Trips counters that the locker room will empty out in an attempt to cost him the title tonight, because Maven as champion would be easy pickings. He chides Batista again for "thinking, because nothing good can come out of it. Hey, lighten up, man! What's the matter with you?" Batista is not amused. Trips was pretty funny here, and Batista came off as reasonable and very quietly pissed at Triple H's digs at his intelligence. See, subtlety! WWE is listening to me!

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RAW Interactive Poll Results: 36% of the voters think that Maven will join Evolution. 64% say no.

Simon Dean: Future Heat Headliner

Hey look, it's Simon Dean! And he's here to cut the same promo we've heard for the last month! He apologizes for offending any superstars in the back who are sensitive about their weight, but maintains that he's right and his patented Simon System can save lives. And I am bored. Blah blah blah fat people blah blah blah try my energy bars blah blah blah taunt a big guy brought in from the audience blah blah blah.

Rosey interrupts the third week in a row of this tripe, thank GOD. I never thought I'd be so happy to see Rosey. Simon tries to back off and say that Rosey isn't fat, but can't bring himself to do it. He offers Rosey an energy bar, only to get it shoved back into his own mouth. Rosey tries a Fat Man Splash in the corner, but accidentally murders the audience plant instead. Simon whacks Rosey with a tub of his drink mix and blinds him with the powder before scampering off. You know, if your first feud in WWE is going to be with Rosey, cut your losses and head to TNA.

SmackDown! Rebound: Cena lost his U.S. title, Cena was stabbed, Cena came back last night.

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Backstage: Maven is in his ring gear, still surrounded by the babes, but they quickly leave when Jericho and Benoit drop by. They want to make sure that Maven's not joining Evolution, but he still isn't sure. Jericho tells him to not listen to Triple H; after all, they just beat his team last night. He repeats, "Make the right decision," and heads off. Before Benoit can follow suit, Maven grabs him and asks, "You think Jericho's right?" Benoit asks how long Maven's been wrestling, and learns it's been three and a half years. And Benoit gets right in Maven's face and gives a response so badass that I have to transcribe it:

"Three and a half years? Three and a half years... and you have a shot to become World Heavyweight Champion tonight and you got questions? You're wondering what to do? It took me eighteen years to become World Heavyweight Champion. EIGHTEEN YEARS! Broken bones, a broken neck, the sacrifices I made, the sacrifices my family has made! And you're wondering what to do? It's not about the money, the women, the cars... it's about the PASSION! It's about being World Heavyweight Champion! You think about it."

And I'm not just saying this because my smarkiness demands that I love Benoit, but damn, he NAILED this promo. Benoit, a guy who supposedly can't talk, just gave me more realism and conviction in twenty seconds than Triple H did in six minutes with Maven. Awesome.

Announce Team: J.R. and King bicker about Maven for a minute, and then show clips of Randy Orton winning the main event last night.

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WrestleMania Recall: Shawn Michaels defeating Bret Hart in the first Iron Man match of the modern era in 1996. Interesting choice, given that neither of the performers are on TV right now.

And You Thought Katie Vick Was in Bad Taste?

Yet another Mohammad Hassan vignette, this time showing his uncle's store, which has to close its doors because of bad business after 9/11. Hassan's reasonable tone from previous vignettes is gone, and now he's vowing to "beat the prejudice out of all of you," and, if necessary, "lead a revolt against our very own country." I think that the number of ways in which this screams "BAD IDEA" is self-evident. Ugh.

Triple H v. Maven (World Heavyweight Title)

Trips picks up a mic and asks what Maven's decided to do. He says that Maven can either decide to wrestle, have this be over quickly, and "go back to jerking the curtain." Snerk. Or, he can join Evolution. Maven decides to go for the title shot. Hell, wouldn't you after Benoit's speech?

Flair and Batista show up, but Benoit and Jericho aren't far behind to even up the odds. Lockup, shoulderblock to Maven. Hiptoss and dropkick to Trips, and the Chrises toss him back in. Rollup gets two for Maven. He goes to the headlock and gets punched for his troubles. Maven goes up top, but is shoved off by Batista. The ref catches on to this, and tosses Batista. Flair's all, "Oh no you di-in't," and the ref is all, "Girlfriend, please. You're out, too." Evolution exits as Maven fights back, but he eats a high knee. Spinebuster and a pin, but Benoit pulls Trips off before three. Abdominal stretch with some rope-pulling.

Outside, and Benoit introduces Hunter's head to the ring steps while Jericho distracts the ref. Maven slugs it out and gets a flying shoulderblock to no crowd reaction at all. Facebuster by Trips, but he's tripped up by Benoit on the apron. Spinning heel kick by Maven for two. DDT and top-rope bulldog for two. Maven goes back up but whiffs a cross-body. Pedigree attempt, but Benoit distracts the ref while Jericho bulldogs and Lionsaults Trips. And FINALLY the crowd gets into it as Maven crawls for the cover and gets 2 and 7/8.

Smart move by Maven: he goes up and pounds on Trips, allowing the crowd to count along with his punches. Always good for a crowd reaction. That's countered with an inverted atomic drop. Pedigree, but Jericho puts Maven's foot on the bottom rope... except Maven's not quite close enough and sort of has to hold his own leg up in mid-air and just pretend that it's touching the rope. That really did look bad, but the ref sees it and tosses Jericho. Y2J keeps the ref distracted long enough for Benoit to land a German suplex and a flying headbutt on The Game. Maven crawls for the cover, but Trips BARELY kicks out to the dismay of the crowd.

Then Edge decides to get in on the action, running through the crowd and nailing Benoit before running in the ring and going for a Spear. He accidentally flattens the ref, though, and the two Chrises pounce. And heeeeere's Batista, followed by Flair. Naitch gives Trips the belt, but now Randy Orton makes an appearance, snatches the belt, and whacks the champion upside the head with it. Maven covers, but the ref is yanked out by Flair. Orton attacks Naitch, but gets dropped by Snitsky! Christ, I can't keep up with all of this.

Snitsky hits the ring and debates whom to attack for a moment before deciding on Maven. One big boot and he leaves, giving Trips an indecipherable look. Trips gets up long enough to hit a Pedigree, and it's lights out for Maven at about the 12-minute mark. Match in and of itself was pretty boring, but the story was there, so it worked.

Winner: Triple H

Trips crawls up the ramp with his belt while desperately clutching his title belt, getting an eyeful of what's in store for him the next three weeks: Jericho, Benoit, and Orton. It's a great visual, except that they're all standing over Maven's lifeless body. Uh, guys? You wanna help him up? No? Eh, I probably wouldn't either. End Credits.