And Jericho earned major points from me by sticking around afterwards and signing every autograph and taking every picture that was asked of him. It probably helped that the venue was small; pretty much just a bar with a setup for the band (even the Fozzy guys were surprised at the small size of the place, but it made the vibe really cool, like a basement party.) And on that note: I did get to meet Jericho. He seemed very cool and pleasant, and oh, that little crush I have on him? Yeah, it's now a big one. And shut up. Rick can make his googly eyes at Trish and Molly and Matt has His Darling Stacy, so why can't I have my own fun?

Great. With one little comment, I've probably destroyed 2 years worth of credibility I have as a wrestling fan. Am I no better than the idiot girls who love Randy Orton because he's "Sooooo cuuuuuuuuute," despite his so-so grasp of the English language, annoying smugness, and gross mishandling by the WWE creative brain trust?

Well, yeah. The difference being that I have a brain. And my guy's entrance music doesn't suck.

Cold Open: Live from Huntsville, AL

We open the show with a tanned and rested (read: bloated) Eric Bischoff strolling down to the ring with the World Title over his shoulder. He picks up a mic and doesn't seem happy: since he's been gone, there are new tag team champs, a new women's champ, and the World Title has been vacated. He recaps the situation, and we see Chris Benoit, Edge, and Triple H all standing backstage, waiting for Bischoff's decision. Triple H takes the time to shoot off his mouth, saying that he was never pinned, nor did he submit, and he deserves to be champ. And if Edge or Benoit gets the belt, it's only a matter of time before Trips beats them.

This naturally pisses off Benoit, and then Edge gets involved, and we're in Jerry Springer territory here. All three men come to blows and destroy a catering table, and have to be dragged apart by the referees. Bischoff has had enough, so he orders a rematch from last week: Triple H and Batista v. Chris Benoit and Jericho. On top of that, Edge's match with Orton will be next. Once he's got control of the show, Bischoff says he will announce his decision regarding the World Title. Cue his music, and it's time for some...

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Edge v. Randy Orton (Shitty Entrance Music Match)

You know, I don't understand it. WWE is willing to pay for the use of a new shitty theme for Edge (by Creed 2.0, no less), but not for the use of his awesome old one? I miss Rob Zombie.

J.R. is already praising the match before it starts, and I grow vaguely worried the he thinks it will suck and is trying to cover for it with his commentary. Huge "You Tapped Out" chant for Edge as the two men circle each other. Lockup goes nowhere. Side headlock on Edge, and Orton follows with a shoulder block and some taunting. Lockup again, side headlock again, and shoulder block again on Edge. I'm sensing a pattern here. Edge leapfrogs Orton and blocks a hiptoss, turning it into a rollup for two. More stalling between sequences, and it looks like they're setting up for a long match.

Side headlock on Edge again, into a mat-wrestling sequence that ends with both men trying dropkicks. Punches exchanged, hiptoss and drop toehold on Edge. Orton then follows with a HUGE clothesline, sending Edge over the ropes. J.R. is already calling it a "classic one-on-one match," and I'm wondering if he remembered to take his medication. Or if he possibly overdosed on it.

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We're back, with Orton tossing Edge into the ring steps. Back in, snapmare on Edge, followed with a chinlock. I hate chinlocks, but at least Randy makes his look like they hurt. Orton actually yells for Edge to tap. Okay, it doesn't look THAT painful, Sparky. Get over yourself. Edge gets a foot on the ropes to break it up. Uppercuts on Edge, Irish whip into the corner. Edge pulls the ref in the way of a blind charge and pounds on Orton, followed by a baseball slide that sends him flying to the floor.

Right at this point I have a problem with my tape for a minute or two, but I assume that it's more offense on Randy, because the tape comes back with Edge using a trick from Angle's playbook: a reverse chinlock-body scissors combo. Orton fights out after a few minutes, getting a crossbody for two. Double clothesline, double KO, in a nice touch that portrays these two as evenly matched. And it follows nicely from the double-dropkick spot earlier. Continuity within a match! Edge to his feet first, and he gets a dropkick of his own and goes up top. Orton catches him in mid-air with a dropkick of his own, and both men are down. Punches exchanged and Orton wins, getting yet another dropkick. Neckbreaker gets two for Randy.

Irish whip is reversed into the corner, which Orton counters into a rollup for two. Double reversal into a slam for Edge (what do you call that thing where he grabs the guy's chin from behind and pulls him flat on his back? If it has a name, I'm forgetting it) gets two. RKO attempt is reversed into a backslide with feet on the ropes, which gets two, and now Edge is pissed. Orton gets a snake eyes and rollup for two. Powerslam, and instead of going for the pin, Orton goes up. I can't help but laugh when he makes a really big show of it, and then whiffs on a cross-body. Edge goes for the spear, but eats turnbuckle after a drop toehold. RKO is reversed into the Edgecution, which is reversed again into the RKO for three. The match was kind of boring to start, but really got going in the second half, and the finishing sequence was terrific. For once, Orton didn't just hit an RKO out of nowhere to finish a match; he hit it in the middle of a mass of near-falls and reversals. Nicely done.

Winner: Randy Orton

We get a WWE.com poll, asking what Bischoff should do with the title. Well, I know who I want as champion, and he ain't on the list of possibilities.

Batista's Logical Reasoning Theatre

Backstage, Flair is giving Trips a pep talk: he needs to tell Bischoff that he's a huge movie star, a best-selling author, and the one true champion on RAW. Trips likes this idea, but Batista interrupts, saying he doesn't listen to Batista. Listen to him, Trips. Batista is very wise. Mockingly, Triple H asks what Batista thinks he should do. "What would you have me do, then, huh? Would you have me go into Bischoff's office begging and pleading? Is that what you'd have me do? Huh? 'Cause I'm not gonna do that." Um, Hunter? Open mouth, insert foot. And here is Batista's oh-so-awesome reply:

"I'm not asking you to beg. I wouldn't tell you to beg to anybody. You're the Game! BE the Game. Play the game. Bischoff wants to book us in a rematch from last week? Big deal. That's fine. You go out there and dominate like only you can. Don't tell Bischoff who deserves to be the World Champion. SHOW him. And after all is said and done... you're standing there, middle of the ring, hands held HIGH, you will know without a shadow of a doubt who the real champion is."

How can you argue with logic like that? Batista continues to make me like him more and more each week. He's at the point now where he's solid in the ring, and his promos are really taking off. But what I like best is his demeanor: he actually seems like a normal person, not some huffing, puffing, showboating, 'roid raging personality that we're so used to seeing in wrestling. I feel like I could actually sit down and have a beer with the guy. He's the calmest guy on the RAW roster (backstage, at least), and that makes him infinitely more likable than most of the over-the-top personalities we're used to seeing. Who knew that "Normal, Rational Guy" would work so well? Interesting note: at the house show this weekend, Batista got one of the best reactions of the night. Batista walks off, and Triple H looks pleased.

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This Past Weekend: Footage from the RAW house shows in Georgia. Sadly, I can't see myself in the audience. Even sadder, a young teenage girl nearly cries because Randy Orton kissed her on the cheek at ringside. I mean, it was nice of him to do it, but I'm so glad I managed to avoid a crippling pre-teen crush that would drive me to tears when I was her age. Oy.

Your Obligatory T&A For the Week

Back to the show, and we have Christy and two of the useless pieces of eye candy from last week (Maria and Melina, I think), using the t-shirt gun to fire up the crowd. J.R. and Lawler take a minute to explain the World Title situation (or lack thereof). The ladies continue to shoot t-shirts into the crowd, but are interrupted by none other than Gene Snitsky (Snitsky Snitsky Snitsky!) He grabs a mic and tells them not to be scared, unlike the rest of the RAW roster, who are afraid he'll do to them what he did to Kane and Lita. He unconvincingly tells the women that he just wants to have a little fun, and gets the crew in the back to play the music again. He quickly grabs Christy by the throat: "I forgot to tell you... I'm not having fun unless somebody's suffering. And that somebody is you!" Couldn't he have grabbed Maria and powerbombed her into next year?

Snitsky is interrupted by Lita, who mocks him for picking on women, and mentions her title win from last week. She tells him that if he wants to fight, she's got a message for Snitsky from Kane: he's coming back, and when he does, Snitsky is dead. Interesting that Lita referred to Kane as "my husband" without so much as batting an eye (or choking back vomit.) Snitsky dumps Christy and chases Lita up the ramp, but is blocked by a wall of fire at the top of it, much like Lita and Matt were at the infamous wedding earlier this year. I know Rick thinks stuff like this is cheesy, but I like its campiness, because it's consistent with the storyline.

What I didn't like was Lita dropping the anvil about Kane's return. I think she would have done much better by simply taunting him, and then letting the wall of fire let the fans know what was up. See, WWE writers, it's little things like that that can make all the difference. But it's really nice to see Lita acting all badass again, even when she's in the presence of Snitsky. That's the girl I want to see.

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We come back to more pimping of Triple H's role in  Blade: Trinity. He's great and intimidating and beat up Ryan Reynolds, yadda yadda.

Backstage: Christian is in the makeup chair with another useless diva reject sponging on foundation, bitching to Tomko about his humiliation last week. Tomko tries to get him to calm down as they leave, but they run into Eugene, who is thrilled to meet Captain Charisma. Turns out he's one of Eugene's ten favorite superheroes. He's not as good as Aquaman, but that Dear Boy would like an autograph. Before Christian gets too angry, he turns to someone off screen and asks, "What the hell are you doing here?" Eugene freaks out. The camera pans over, and.... holy shit, it's Mick Foley! Judging by the insane crowd noise, the fans had the same reaction I did to seeing him. Sweet.

Turns out Foley's on RAW to make a special announcement. Eugene goes nuts, and tells Foley that he's one of his four favorite wrestlers, along with Rock, Papa Shango, and Bobby Eaton (from right here in Huntsville, Alabama!) Mick and Eugene walk off, with Foley mentioning how Eugene stole his cheap pop. Heh. Christian bitches about the lack of respect for him, and Eugene pops back into the frame with Mr. Socko, telling him to have a nice day. Heh again.

Bischoff's Office: Simon Dean (ugh) is signing his official RAW contract, but he scampers off quickly when Chris Benoit barges in. He tells Eric that he better not be thinking of just handing someone the title like he did to Trips two years ago, and suggests a Triple Threat rematch instead. Like Batista, Benoit is very wise. You should listen to him, Eric. Benoit says that if Bischoff does give away the title, "You're just as spineless as everyone says you are." Burn!

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Chris Benoit & Chris Jericho v. Batista & Triple H (with Ric Flair)

J.R. praises Batista's speech to Trips from earlier, but Lawler isn't so quick to agree. If that doesn't mean that a face turn is in the cards soon, I don't know what does. Trips and Benoit start. Tie up in the corner, and the men exchange blows and chops in a very intense sequence; great way to follow up on Batista's speech earlier. Continuity! Again! I'm loving this. Back body drop on Trips. Batista tagged in, and pounds on Benoit in the corner. Blatant choking. Benoit avoids getting killed and tags in Jericho. Batista with clubbing forearms, tag to Trips.

Tie-up, shoulder block to Jericho, who hiptosses Trips and kicks away in the corner. High knee to Y2J. J.R.: "Triple H has had trouble his entire career figuring out the style of Chris Jericho." Snerk. Batista back in, killing Jericho in the corner with shoulders to the gut and a hard Irish whip into the turnbuckle. More choking. Snapmare and chinlock on Jericho. He fights out, but eats an elbow for two. Trips back in. Punches in the corner, and more choking. Batista chokes him behind the ref's back with the tag rope. Delayed vertical suplex on Jericho. Trips should do those more. Kneedrop gets two, broken up by Benoit. Y2J fights back, hitting a clothesline and knocking Batista and Flair off the apron (notice that Jericho's the only guy to hit Flair in the last month who hasn't gotten booed.) Flair gets pissed and jumps in the ring, but is pulled out by Evolution before he can get a DQ. Trips talks him down as we go to some...

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We're back with Benoit chopping and punching away on Trips. Hat trick of Germans, Benoit goes up after cheap-shotting Batista and Flair. Flying headbutt misses, though, and for a second I think he's genuinely hurt, but it's just a good sell-job. Yes, my heart did skip a beat. Batista tags in and hits a running powerslam for two. Scarily powerful Irish whip into the turnbuckle. Trips back in, and he gets and Irish whip of his own for a long two. Benoit fights back with chops, but gets caught in an abdominal stretch. It's eventually broken by the ref when he sees Batista helping Trips get extra leverage. Benoit fights out, but is cut off by Trips. Trips goes up, but eats boot from Benoit. Hot tags all around.

Jericho's on fire, knocking Trips off the apron and chopping Batista. He gets caught in a crossbody, but counters and hits a chop-block. Attempt at the Wall, Batista fights out. Drop toehold on the ropes. Jericho counters a powerslam attempt with a rollup for two. Powerbomb attempt by Batista, Jericho fights out. Running enziguiri and Lionsault gets two. Clothesline for Trips, springboard dropkick for Flair. Benoit is tagged in, and hits the diving headbutt on Batista. Sharpshooter is broken up by Trips, but he gets put in a crossface for his troubles. Awesome. Batista breaks that up with a massive spinebuster, and gets the pin. Finish felt a little anti-climactic given the frenzy that preceded it, but the story was there and the match was good. Put these four in the ring, and I'm going to enjoy it.

Winners: Batista and Triple H

I don't know who was responsible for it, but major props for immediately getting Triple H's reaction to Batista being the one to get the pin. He looks shocked, disappointed, and in general like his whole world is falling apart. Great stuff.

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Foley 101: How to Polish a Turd

Foley hits the ring to a huge ovation, and immediately makes me laugh by saying, "Now just what would the holidays be without a cheap Mick Foley book plug?" But that's not the reason he's out here tonight: though he's technically a RAW guy, he'll be temporarily joining SmackDown! next week. The crowd boos him initially, until he rolls some video footage of last year's WWE visit to Iraq. Mick will be going back with everyone from SD! again this year. Even though he's not a pro-war guy and still has a few cases of John Kerry bumper stickers in his possession. Sigh. It's not the pro-Kerry position that bothers me (I didn't like either candidate, honestly), it's the mere mention of politics in conjunction with wrestling. Can't we keep the two worlds separate, please? After heavy boos, Foley does redeem himself by joking that, oh yeah, isn't Alabama a red state?

But support of our troops is bipartisan, which is why Foley is going. Before he can go any further, he's cut off by Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari, both dressed in smart suits. Daivari starts of by introducing Hassan in what I assume is Farsi, but I can't be sure. Are these guys of Iranian descent (in which case they would be speaking Farsi), or Iraqi, or Saudi Arabian, or what? I don't think they've told us yet. Hassan takes the mic and says that he's had enough, and we're going to listen to him, like it or not. He used to blindly support the troops and the country just like everyone else, right up until 9/11. According to Hassan, the real victims of the war are Arab-Americans like himself and Daivari.

It isn't the land of the free or the home of the brave, Hassan tells us. He feels America's "patriotism" in airports and on street corners, and especially right now. I feel your pain, dude. I've been pulled aside for those extensive searches the last four times I've flown, and I'm only a 22 year-old white chick. Foley says he appreciates Hassan's passion, but disagrees strongly with almost every word. But isn't it great that you live in a country where you can express your views, no matter how stupid they sound? Foley's annoyed at being interrupted at his first appearance in eight months, but Hassan's happy about it. Very intensely, he tells Mick that he's sick of all this support for the troops, calling them "heartless infidels."

Foley: "NOW you're pissing me off!" Daivari starts yelling at Foley in Farsi (?), and Foley shoots back that his cousin took a bullet in the Battle of the Bulge so Daivari could shoot his mouth off. Daivari yells again, and Foley again throws an example of wounded soldier in his face. This goes on a few times, until Foley finally yells, "I support America! The land of the free, with one exception!" They can shoot off their mouths as much as they want, except inside the 20x20 foot ring: "Foley Island." And should they venture into Foley Island, they have two rights: 1) to feel his fist in their mouth, and 2) to feel his boot in their ass. Hassan hedges, but then says that he won't fight anyone he doesn't respect. And with that, they walk off to massive boos and "USA" chants.

Okay, look: this was a very good, very intense promo. Foley was incredible as always, and Hassan was impressive and believable. But Hassan's gimmick can't maintain this without Foley around every week to make it seem meaningful. I can think of maybe two people on the RAW roster who could pull off an exchange like this the way Foley did: Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho (and I think the Canadian is going to stay out of it.) Basing a gimmick on a fairly recent and horrible tragedy like 9/11 isn't edgy; it's in bad taste. I really hope Hassan doesn't visit New York anytime soon, because family members and friends of the victims would probably be in the audience.

And Hassan and Daivari, as Arab-Americans, no doubt have experienced discrimination after 9/11 (I know that one of them mentioned something about it on his website in commentary; he's not lying or exaggerating about what has happened to him, and I don't doubt it.) It's a sad fact, and something I myself would never want to go through. But a gimmick like this only makes the problem worse. If WWE really wanted to make some poignant social commentary, Hassan would have debuted as a face and been treated like shit by the heels because of his ethnicity. Because it's being done the other way around, it's nothing more than exploitation. Vilifying the victim is not the way to address this issue, and bringing the Iraq war into it doesn't help matters, especially when it's got the country split in half over it. Think this segment would have gone over so well in, say, San Francisco? And Foley isn't always going to be around to polish this turd of a gimmick.

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Video Package: Highlights from last week's Lita v. Trish main event. How could WWE get this so right while managing to ruin the rest of the women's division at the same time? But I love that the women's title feud is getting this much attention.

Backstage: Todd Grisham is standing by with Trish Stratus. He asks how Trish feels about losing her title. She calls him "Tom," and tells him that Lita better enjoy being women's champion while she can, because Trish is the best women's wrestler ever. Lita nearly had to kill herself to win that belt. Trish says she'll get her rematch, and she'll get her title back. With that, she storms off. Atta girl, Trish. Think positively.

Meanwhile in Bischoff's office: he's talking to yet ANOTHER useless diva named Rochelle. Where the fuck do they get these women, and why are they even there? Her mere presence undermines the time WWE just took to show the Trish/Lita video package and interview the former women's champion. And like Maria, Rochelle seems to have an IQ rivaling Forrest Gump's. Sigh. Thankfully, Edge interrupts to plead his case to Bischoff for the World Title (unfortunately, he doesn't spear Rochelle and pop and implant.) He goes over the Battle Royal and the Triple Threat and he's beat Randy Orton before and blah blah blah, and tonight he should be awarded the World Title. Eric tells Edge that he's got good news: after the next match, he'll make his decision. And he's "Gonna give [Edge] something [he's] never had before." Edge is pleased, and I have to wonder if he's ever watched a wrestling show before. Come on, man, you're supposed to be a fan! You know what's coming.

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Last Week: Maven beat the crap out of Eugene.

Maven, Christian, & Goat Boy v. Shelton Benjamin, Eugene, & William Regal

Maven is wearing pink tights. Okay, that does it. This trend has got to stop. I dislike the color pink enough on most women, but men just need to stop wearing it. Seriously. If you're a guy and you wear pink, you don't look stylish. You look like a tool. Trust me on this.

Eugene and Christian start. Bitchslap and punches to Eugene. Choking in the corner. Eugene gets a back-body drop, and pulls Socko out of his tights. Maven runs in for the save and gets and airplane spin for his troubles, and Christian gets one as well. Eugene tosses out Maven, but Tomko interrupts with a clothesline. Punchy-kicky on Eugene for a minute, and Tomko is tagged in and gives more of the same. Chinlock, and Eugene fights out only to get slammed. Maven in, and more basic offense with Eugene as the babyface-in-peril. Christian in, and gets cradled for two. Backslide for two, but Christian fights back. More generic offense, and I'm getting pretty bored here, and I like the two guys in the ring.

Maven in, he gets two and goes to another chinlock. Okay, this really is getting boring. It's one thing to do a well-paced match, but this one clocked in at barely over seven minutes, and a good portion of it was spent in restholds. Yawn. Eugene gets a Stunner out of nowhere, and Shelton is tagged in. He takes down everyone and the pace instantly picks up. He hits the t-bone suplex, but it's broken up by Tomko. Chaos breaks out; Christian eats Socko outside of the ring, and Benjamin hits a superkick on Tomko. Maven rolls him up out of nowhere and uses the ropes for the win. Crowd is totally dead.

Winners: Maven, Tyson Tomko, and Christian

Poll Results: Over half of the fans want a Triple Threat rematch, and most of the rest want the belt to go to Benoit. Smart fans.

Never Say "Never," Trips

Cut to Bischoff's office, where the GM is just heading out the door with the belt. He finds Triple H standing in the doorway, his head hanging low and his demeanor defeated. Bischoff tells him that he'll make his decision in the ring. Then Trips speaks, and he's a totally different guy than he was earlier in the night. His voice is soft, he keeps his eyes down, almost like he's too embarrassed to even look the GM in the face, but more than that, he's desperate. Totally and utterly desperate. He does exactly what he said he'd never do earlier in the night: he begs and pleads with Eric to award him the title. I've never heard him say "Please" so many times in my life. Come to think of it, I've never heard him say "Please" at all. He tells Eric repeatedly that being World Champion is all that he has, and he has to make the right decision and do what's right for business. For a split second, I think he's going to cry. Bischoff tells Trips he'll take that into consideration, and we go to commercial.

That? Was awesome. Some might call that segment cheesy, but Triple H was so out-of-character that he was in-character. He really will do anything to keep that belt around his waist, even sacrifice his pride at the altar of Bischoff. I love what's being done with Batista, I love what's being done with Triple H, and I love what's being done with Evolution. It's slowly progressing, it's realistic, it's subtle, and the acting is good. Remind anyone of a certain Love Rhombus from last year?

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The Big Announcement

Bischoff comes down to the ring and is ready to make his decision. He asks for Benoit, Edge, and Trips to come down to the ring. Trips is accompanied by Batista and Flair, and Bischoff takes issue with this. Trips assures him it's all right, and says that Evolution is a part of him: "When Evolution succeeds, I succeed, and vice versa." He brags confidently for a minute about Evolution's winning record, and says that the choice is clear. Bischoff: "That's a different approach than the one you had in my office a few minutes ago." Do Flair and Batista even know about that? Because I would love to know how they'd react to that.

Bischoff doesn't like Benoit's Triple Threat rematch idea, and he won't award Edge the title because he's unproven as the champion. He then looks at Triple H and says that if a win for Evolution is a win for Trips, he's going to put that theory to the test. At the New Year's Revolution PPV (on January 9, goddammit... that's the premiere of '24'!), the title will be decided in the Elimination Chamber. It will be Benoit, Edge, Triple H, Jericho, Batista (!), and Randy Orton. Edge and Trips look pissed, Benoit looks like he's game for it, and Batista is stone-faced, but you can tell he's hiding something. See? Acting!

Naturally, a fight breaks out, and Jericho gets involved. Trips tries to bail, but Orton cuts him off at the ramp and brings Trips back down, tossing him into the ring steps. More fighting leads to an RKO attempt, but that's broken up by Batista, so he gets the RKO instead. Orton celebrates in the ring while Trips crawls up the ramp to close out the show.