I mean, sure there were a few little things, but for the most part, I thought RAW fixed the missteps of the week before. Just take a look at everything I wrote in the last week, starting with my displeasure with the heavy-handed and stilted writing the the Recap a week ago and all the way up through some of my little "best case scenario" ideas in yesterday's RAW preview...  watching RAW last night was like having a checklist of all the simple things WWE could do to make for a more enjoyable show, and having the items on that list crossed out with each passing segment.

Batista and HHH back to interacting more naturally, and talking like themselves instead of sounding like Brian Gewirtz's idea of how real people might actually talk? Check. Keeping Orton the hell away from Batista? Check. HBK vs. Christian? Check. Jericho beats Benoit to possibly spark a rivalry? Check.

If I wanted to nitpick, I would point to time management issues that left HBK/XTian with less than 6 minutes of ring time, and Benoit/Jericho with less than 12, but honestly, I'm more than happy to leverage away from of my wrestling as long as I'm still getting entertainment in return. And I got that last night.

It wasn't a blow-away show, but it was a simple and smartly-conceived example of sustainable episodic television: you like what you see this week, you want to tune in next week. Here's how it all went down:

Video Package: Stuff happened last week, and as a result, Randy Orton gets a World Title shot at the Royal Rumble against Triple H.  

Opening theme/pyro/etc., and we're live in Toronto, ONT, Canada, where the fans seem a little extra pumped-up, and it might just be because we've got a big show for them tonight! Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler hype two epic encounters: Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho, and Kane vs. Snitsky in a No Holds Barred match. And to get us started...

The Pulling Double Duty Reel with Chris Jericho

Looks like Y2J's gonna be multitasking tonight, as he kicks us off with the Highlight Reel. As per custom, Jericho can't handle a live mic without reminding us of the many ways he rules. In this case, that includes hyping his match later on in the night, and then explaining how he won a Rumble Qualifying Match last night, and now he's going on to the Rumble where he'll win and go on to Wres.....

Cue the funky Middle Eastern music for tonight's first interruption!  Out come Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari, but before they can get a word in edgewise, Jericho cuts them off, stating that it's customary for the host to introduce his guests, not for the guests to just interrupt whenever they feel like it. Hassan counters with how it should be customary for a host to get to the point, instead of wasting time talking about himself. "BOO!" At this point, I'm begging Jericho to be the one who steals my "Ay-rab/Ay-hole" line, cuz Hassan was just being a dick at this point.

Jericho gives Hassan and Daivari a mocking "introduction," and then moves on to wondering why they're so angry, instead of being happy to be out of the United States, and here in the "warm, hearty bosoms of Toronto, Canada." But Hassan's not biting on the opportunity to win over Canadian fans with a purely anti-USA rant.  Instead, he immediately launches into how Canadians are just as bad as Americans.

Among Hassan's gripes: that his people are mistreated in America, and it's all Canada's fault, because the REAL terrorists gained access to the US through Canada because Canadian officials are inept (NICE one, Muhammad! Spectacular dick move!)... and that Canadians always cop this superior attitude to Americans, but deep down, they have all the same prejudices. They're just better at covering them up, because unlike Americans, they know if they expressed them openly, they wouldn't be able to back up their words.  Another nice dick move!

At this point, Daivari grabs the mic for a Farsi rant, and Jericho gets a few laughs by doing a faux translation that amounts to "Fozzy has a new record coming out tomorrow, and I, Khosrow Daivari, would like an autographed copy."  Hassan immediately gets the promo back on track by saying Jericho can joke around all he wants, but this isn't funny time, it's serious.  Hassan says he looks at Jericho and he sees a man who was born in America, and who then grew up and lived most his life in Canada...  going back to his previous points, Hassan synthesizes, and says that makes Jericho the worst of both worlds: the cocky obnoxiousness of an American and the spineless cowardice of a Canadian.

So "on behalf of both countries," Jericho says, "I have only one thing to say to you." And he cold-cocks Hassan. That works for a few moments, but eventually, Daivari gets into the mix, and Jericho can't fight two men.  Hassan seizes control and briefly locks in a Camel Clutch before Chris Benoit runs out to make the save for his buddy-cum-opponent.  Strong opening segment as Jericho becomes the second man to Polish The Turd; keeping Hassan away from hot button topics and just letting his charisma shine through in a dickish way is the right play. And Benoit making the save just gives a little extra layer of context to the later Benoit/Jericho match.

Backstage: HHH mocks some poor arena official with some Mackenzie Brothers riffing, and then restarts a conversation with Ric Flair about Batista. HHH is concerned about Batista's frame of mind, but Flair is saying that it's OK, that Batista's cool.  Flair insists Batista's not angry, and that the only problem is that Batista was gonna be a little late to the show tonight. But when pressed, Flair has to admit that he's not actually talked to Batista, only played phone tag with him. HHH is more concerned than ever that, voice mail aside, nobody knows where Batista stands. But Flair seems oddly confident.  Almost TOO confident. He tells HHH to relax and just trust him. And then he punctuates it with a creepy, over the top wink. Huh.

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La Resistance and Maven vs. Shelton Benjamin, Hurricane, and Rosey

La Resistance is already in the ring when we return from ads, and we get a few still shots of them winning the tag titles the night before at a house show by way of explanation for why they have the tag belts. And then the babyfaces enter, and we're off. This was short and very basic; about the only notable element of the match was the way Maven REALLY had the crowd reacting strongly to his chickenshit act. About 2 minutes in, Maven had a very brief offensive, leading to a mini-fire-up and an alleged "hot tag" to Rosey...  Pier Six Action led to the Hurricane powdering out, then the ref getting distracted by Maven and Shelton brawling even though neither was legal, while La Resistance managed to team up and hit the Au Revoir on Rosey. Gotta admit: match was a big fat nothing, but La Resistance hitting that move on big fat Rosey was pretty damned impressive.  Three minutes, tops, and it existed only to legitimize the new tag champs. But I guess it was a success by those standards.

Backstage: Randy Orton is WALKING~! And he's interrupted by... Stacy Keibler? Yep. Stacy knows Randy's got important business in the ring, but she just wants to says she's really happy for him. Randy thanks her but WAIT! Stacy's got just one more thing: a kiss on the cheek for Randy. Somehow, Randy actually represses that obnoxious smirk/eyebrow-twitch combo as he walks away from his new sweetie. I, sadly, have decided that the funny joke that fits here is too mean to make in public... but I will note that this was the one part of the show that was just lame, contrived, and writer-y instead of seeming like it bore any resemblance to how real people act in the real world. Or at least to how normal, interesting, likeable people act in the real world: Stacy's come-on was pitiably vapid, and Orton's walking away from said come-on without saying a word seemed bafflingly rude.  Watch the spectacle of the pretty cardboard cut-outs approximating human interaction, folks! Two bits a gander! 

*KEE-RASH!*: Stone Cold Steve Austin has a press conference scheduled for Wednesday in Los Angeles, and WWE is inviting its fans to attend. Curious, eh?

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Hell Freezes Over Theatre

Young Randall Orton is out for a promo, and gets the line-fumbling out of his system IMMEDIATELY when he announces that "the most greatest" moment of his life took place in this very ring in Toronto when he won the World Title. Toronto's response makes it pretty damned clear that they weren't particularly fond of the memory of Orton winning the title, and would basically give Orton 70% boos for his entire promo. [This spurred Lawler to make his first mention of Toronto being "BizzaroLand," but sadly, I think that where Orton's involved, WWE just needs to accept that Toronto's response was an only-slightly amplified version of what most fans in the US feel: Orton basically gets massive girlish shrieks of ecstasy and a handful of woefully misguided dudes cheering for him. He is, to boil it down, Jeff Hardy. And I think I've made it pretty clear the many ways it is simply impossible to really take Jeff Hardy seriously. Some dudes, they just kinda make me shake my head and chuckle. The only differences: Hardy blows spots, and Orton blows lines, and Hardy never needed eight months of the most concerted promotional effort in recent history to attain his niche popularity.]

But this is actually not the recap to be ripping Orton apart, since he wound up bringing the goods about as strongly as he has in a long time. Undesired crowd response aside, Orton made it seem like the World Title really meant a lot to him and that he'd do anything to win it back. And further: he doesn't just want his title back from HHH, he wants his blood, his pride, and his manhood back. Actually, I think I made up the "manhood" part, just because it's pure reflex to take advantage of any opportunity to question the existence of Orton's testicles.  But you get the idea: Orton was very intense as he made it crystal clear what he intends to do to Triple H at the Royal Rumble.

But HHH can't let this boasting go un-rebutalled!  So out comes the Game. He accuses Orton of doing the same "song and dance" that Orton's been doing since he lost the World Title, and says that Orton flushed his chance at greatness when he turned his back on Evolution. HHH says Orton paid for going against Evolution, and at the Rumble, he'll pay some more.

Because he's a 10-time World Champ, he's the Game, he's That Damned Good, he's beaten them all from Austin to Rock to Goldberg to Nash to....

"Same old song and dance?!? C'mon, this is the same speech you've been using for SIX years," interjects Young Randall Orton.  The hell?  I always think it's vaguely gratifying when something I write ends up coming out of a wrestler's mouth, but I do NOT need Randy Orton to be quoting last week's RAW Recap.  The second that The Rick and Randy Orton are thinking alike is a surefire sign that the end is nigh. I'm frightened, Mommy.

Orton continues the riffing along those lines, saying that HHH's not only been doing that same speech on TV for six years, but when Orton was in Evolution, he had to hear it every damned day, and he's sick and tired of it. And then, HHH shows why he's the Cerebral Assassin, by outfoxing Orton with a pretty badass bit of rhetoric: "You're sick of it, Randy?" Randy confirms that he is, indeed, sick of it.  "Then imagine how you're gonna feel when I beat you at the Royal Rumble, and the next night, I stand in this ring and say it again, only this time, with your name at the end of the list."  ZING~!

Orton gets flustered at this point, and start blathering about how "If you're so sure of yourself, why don't you come to the ring right now and prove it" or something. HHH actually removes his jacket, but continues to exude veteran confidence as he then pauses, smirks, and says, "You'll never learn, will you? I'm the World Champion. I don't have to chase you.  You have to come to me." And then, just because he hadn't been a big enough cock yet, he tags the line with a VERY condescending, "Kid." HHH turns slowly and leaves.  Orton contemplates for about 3 seconds, and then chases...

But as soon as Orton gets up to the curtain, fists and a wild mane of hair fly at him. It was a trap! Christ, it's almost like they WANTED HHH to come out of this seeming like the babyface: his entire promo and trap for Orton was more badass than asshole. HHH takes Orton down the ramp and into the ring, where he continues the attack for a few moments. But when HHH goes out for a steel chair, Orton has just enough time to recover and turns the tables.  A run-in from Flair is ineffective and so HHH and Flair just decide to get out of dodge, and leave the chair-swinging crazy guy along in the ring.

Honestly: as good a promo as Orton's done in months, and HHH matched him -- hell, probably topped him, actually -- with plenty of goodness. It doesn't fix the fundamental problem that I still don't give a shit about Orton and his density, but I can recognize solid performances, and this was certainly one of those. Except for the part where Orton stole my shtick. Don't ever do that again, Randy. 

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Backstage: HHH and Flair are storming down a hall towards their locker room, and HHH is ranting about how he can't believe he just got shown up by Orton, and somehow manages to twist things around so that this is Batista's fault for being late to the show. HHH says that when Batista gets here, HHH isn't gonna "pussyfoot" around.  [Note to HHH: no guy should be able to actually use the word "pussyfoot" in conversation without pausing to let his Inner Beavis chime in with a mighty, "Mheh heh heh heh. Pussyfoot. Mheh heh heh heh."]  So of course, that's exactly when HHH turns a corner and finds Batista already in the Evolution locker room... and just like that, the pussyfooting commences! HHH's bluster is gone, replaced by contriteness as he asks Batista if everything's OK.  Batista assures Trips that all is well, no sweat, relax, don't worry, it's all good. HHH lays it on thick with the obsequiousness, though, since he's not necessarily sure if he can believe Batista. It's actually quite funny, and also appropriate (since Batista's calm collectedness seems even cooler by comparison to HHH's over-the-top stammering, and also because it's important for it to be obvious that HHH isn't REALLY being considerate towards Batista, but rather is ACTING like he's being considerate towards Batista even though he doesn't really mean it). But Batista still tries to put HHH at ease, saying it's all good, and now he's got some stuff to take care of: a match and then a meeting with Eric Bischoff. HHH wants to know what business Batista would have with Bischoff, and offers to accompany Batista to the meeting and intimidate Bischoff, if necessary, but Batista says that won't be necessary. Looks like Big Ol' Dave is finally all growed up! HHH finally asks if Batista at least knows what the meeting is about, and Batista says it's something about the Rumble and the World Title, but he doesn't know for sure...  HHH: "You mean MY World Title?" Batista: "Well, duh, there's only one World Title, right?"  HHH: "Oh yeah [gulp of fear]."  Good stuff: just as the Rick ordered, basically NOTHING HAPPENS here, but the way the guys behave and interact while nothing is happening just strengthens both characters and will make it mean more when it is time for something to happen.

Elsewhere Backstage: the Coach (BOOOOO!) has a very special interview with [camera pans back] Shawn Michaels (even bigger BOOOOOOOO~!). Both Shawn and Coach seem to play up the negative reaction, and Coach is even about to ask about it... but Shawn cuts him off and just says, "I guess they haven't forgotten." An understatement. And then, quite awesomely, Shawn proceeds to announce that he's begged forgiveness long enough, and if it ain't coming, then he doesn't care any more. Unlike Canada, HBK is capable of moving on. In your face Canada! And Shawn feels that "moving on" in this case means moving on to the Royal Rumble, where he can settle his issue with Edge by eliminating Edge from the Rumble, and then Shawn can win the Rumble and go on to WM just like he's done in the past. So he's here hoping to get a qualifying match tonight.  And conveniently enough, here's Eric Bischoff! But Bischoff is gonna be oddly accommodating: he says Shawn Michaels is a legend, he doesn't have to qualify for the Rumble. And then, to goose the crowd, Bischoff also reminisces about how Michaels won the Rumble twice, and in 1996, he went on to WrestleMania to beat Bret Hart for the WWE Title.  Nice touch.  So no: Michaels doesn't get a qualifying match, he's already in the Rumble. But!  Since Michaels is dressed to wrestle, and since Bischoff is so perversely amused by Michaels' working "North of the Border," he's got a match for HBK tonight.... against Toronto's own "Captain Charisma," Christian.  Then Bischoff probably laid it on a little TOO thick when he riffed about how it wouldn't be one-on-one, since every single "Maple Leaf Blooded" (huh?) Canadian in the crowd would be against Michaels.  Too thick or not, the Canucks are lapping it up with a spoon.  Michaels closes the promo by saying he could come up with an "Edge-like, Canadian answer" and find an excuse not to fight, but he's a real American (somebody! Alert Hulk Hogan! HBK is stealing his shit!), and he's going out to the ring right now! Outstandingly fun segment! Michaels has been so good for so long that nobody in their right minds wants to boo him, but it's times like this that reminds us how fun booing Shawn can be! Praise Jesus that "Thou Shalt Not Play A Prick on Television" is not a Commandment!

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Ring Entrances And Nothing Else

I'm not joking.  Christian entered the ring.  Shawn Michaels entered the ring. And then, before they could lock up even once, Edge came out and stood on the stage. Apparently, that's MORE than enough red-hot action for this segment, so we cut to some....

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Shawn Michaels vs. Christian (Joined in Progress)

Although the ad break was only 3 minutes, we come back to find both men down, and the ref applying a double count. I suppose that this is their way of trying to trick fans into thinking the match has been longer than it really is, since those double count spots usually don't happen till 15 or 20 minutes into a match. Crafty bastards. Both guys get up at 7, though, and they trade a few blows, but then after some interference by Emperor Tomko the Talentless, Christian tosses Michaels into the steel ring post, and begins targeting HBK's back.

And here's the beauty part, eh: they lay the match out TOTALLY like they would in the USA. The fans (again, Lawler can't stop himself from ejaculating "BizzaroLand" at least twice a minute this entire match) are cheering for Christian and booing the hell out of Michaels, but the psychology of the match is that Christian focused on Shawn's back and did the standard heel beatdown to set-up Shawn's fiery babyface comeback. Lawler and Ross explained some of the history of Michaels and Bret Hart, and Lawler actually had a VERY funny line about how the Canadian fans have forgiven him and cheer for him even though "I'm the man who is, was, and always will be the guy who hates Bret Hart the most." By not shuffling the lay-out of the match, they actually turned Michaels babyface comeback into a hilariously amusing heat sequence. The crowd booed the shit out of the HBK Standard Flying Burrito/Nip Up combo, and then when Michaels started tuning up the band, there were more lusty boos. Christian dodged the first Sweet Chin Music, almost countered his way into the Unprettier, but Michaels re-countered into the superkick.  One, two, three, and Michaels scores the win over the hometown boy. We got maybe 4-5 minutes, tops, after the ad break, which is really too bad given what these two could have given us... but very amusing while it lasted, if only for getting to glimpse exactly how Michaels still has the chops to be a killer heel should WWE ever decide to go that route.

After the Match: Michaels successfully evaded an attack by Tomko, but while he was distracted, he didn't notice Edge hop in the ring... after dispatching Tomko, Michaels turned around and walked right into a Spear.  HUGE pop for that. Then Edge locked in his modified Sharpshooter and trashtalked Michaels for a bit (even taking advantage of the Bret-heavy atmosphere by accusing Michaels of screwing him).

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Moments Ago: I don't recap recaps. Especially not recaps of 3 minutes ago. 

Batista vs. Viscera

This is another thing that's almost exactly what I ordered last week. I think my exact line was that Batista, instead of dicking around with Orton, should just be off doing his own thing, including punking out disposable heels to get fans used to the idea of cheering for him. Bingo.

Batista, it should be noted, has added another incongruously sissified pose to his ring entrance. Now, before he Points The Toe, he does a little "churning the butter" dance. Please, I know this is a minor thing, but keep it simple, Big Man. Although the announcers try to put Viscera over as an unbeatable monster, we've all seen him get his ass beat any time he dares to leave Sunday Night Heat, so it's not really ringing true. Batista starts fast (a cut to Evolution's locker room reveals that Flair is doing some massive over-the-top celebratory acting, while HHH is standing stoically, just observing), but is cut off after about a minute with a Samoan Drop (another cut to the Evolution locker room now reveals Flair doing an over-the-top caricature of concern, while it appears as though HHH hasn't budged an inch or changed emotion since the last time we saw him; nice touch).  Brief offensive for Vis, and the fans, they actually took the bait and started a nice "Ba-tis-ta" chant.  Batista reversed an Irish Whip, and hoisted Viscera up for a spinebuster out of nowhere.  Since that's about as devastating a move as Batista can hit on a 500 pound guy, it's our finish. Maybe 2 minutes, tops. Not thrilling, but exactly what Batista needs to be doing: I didn't think the spinebuster on Vis looked all that impressive (the Au Revoir on Rosey earlier was a bit more jaw-dropping), but at least it seemed a bit more realistic looking than Benoit's German Suplex on Viscera a few weeks ago.

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Backstage: Batista hits the Evolution locker room, where he's congratulated by Flair, who I swear must have been all coked up last night or something for as hyperactive he was the entire show. HHH chimes in with his significantly less-enthusiastic congratulations, and then kind of shifts gears on Batista: he wants to know if he had his meeting with Bischoff yet. Batista confirms that he has. HHH wants to know what it was about. Batista says that Bischoff offered him a Rumble Qualifying Match next week. HHH wants to know if Batista accepted. Batista says he's still thinking about it. Which HHH takes as his opening to try to play mindgames with the Big Man, which rings SO much more true than when Orton tried to do the same last week, especially after HHH so effectively made Orton look like a chump with his little ruse earlier in the show...  HHH tells Batista, "I don't think you trying to qualify for the Rumble is such a good idea. Evolution only needs one focus heading into the Rumble, and that should be making sure we're all together on one page so we can take care of Randy Orton." Batista almost seems to be buying this. But then HHH gets greedy: "And Big Man, don't take this the wrong way, but you trying to qualify for the Rumble... it's kind of selfish." The merest flicker of disbelief in Batista's eyes, but HHH continues: "I mean, instead of sticking to the Evolution gameplan, you're off competing in the Royal Rumble, and then you want to win the Royal Rumble, and then you want a title shot, and it's all just you, you, you.  Frankly, you're starting to sound just like Randy Orton..." HHH seemed like he was gonna continue, but Batista cut him off, "I get it, champ, I get it.  Nobody likes a selfish, self-centered ego-maniac." The words were delivered calmly, but the look on his face pretty much said "These words are not to be taken at face value."  Nice.  Batista says he'll think about it as he leaves the locker room. Again: NOTHING HAPPENED. The entire skit amounted to "Something might happen next week." But instead of the over-written garbage of last week, we're back to just letting the characters develop naturally, and the end result is extremely satisfying.

Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho

Good pops for both guys, as you'd expect. And out of the gate, it's all evenly-matched chain wrestling. Every time they broke, the crowd would give them the appreciative applause, even though they didn't really seem to be making that much noise DURING the exchanges. I'm sure this was just a by-product of the crowd liking both men, and so instead, they were just cheering for a good match, instead of cheering for Benoit or for Jericho, if that makes sense. What might be construed as a "lack of heat" was anything but. In fact, one of my favorite little moments of the night was a mighty "Let's Go Chris" chant started by some of the more clever hosers in the crowd.  That's funny stuff.

Anyway, the intensity of the chain wrestling bits ramps up, and after an exchange in which both the Crossface and the Walls had to be countered, we got another break, and Ross hyped how evenly matched the Chrisses were, so stay tuned for the conclusion of this thrilling match after these....

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Back from the break, and Benoit's in control. A clip shows us that during the commercials, Jericho got sent chest and face-first into the ringside barrier, giving Benoit the advantage.  But Jericho staged a comeback, and we went into more back-and-forthy punchy-kicky stuff. Well, maybe more choppy-stompy than punchy-kicky, considering these two. Jericho managed to get the edge enough to set up a scary top-rope superplex; he couldn't get the pinfall after that, but he did follow up with some more basic offense until Benoit countered with a scary-looking highspot of his own... basically Benoit back-suplexed Jericho from the ring and out to the floor (and in so doing, his own momentum took him out over the top rope, too). The ref nearly counted both men out, but Benoit was the first to recover and tossed Jericho back into the ring to continue the assault. Benoit held on to the advantage until he decided to try for the Swandive Headbutt after hitting the Hattrick of Germans.  But Jericho had just enough left in the tank to roll out of the way... and from there, it was End Game. Benoit was still the first to recover after the missed headbutt, and tried for the Crossface, but Jericho was able to counter and almost locked Benoit in the Walls of Jericho. But Benoit clubbered his way out of that, and decided to change gears, going for a Sharpshooter on Jericho...  but Jericho sensed it coming and immediately reached up and  hooked Benoit's head, pulling him into a roll-up. He had just enough leverage to keep Benoit down for three.

After the match: Benoit popped up and almost seemed the healthier of the two, and briefly went forehead-to-forehead with Jericho. Jericho didn't back down, and Benoit eventually offered him the Grudging Handshake of Mutual Respect. That's two televised losses in a row for Benoit in Toronto, and two consecutive Handshakes of Respect after losing said matches...  at least this time, the guy who got Benoit's respect actually deserves it.  At about 10 or 12 minutes, this was certainly quite good, but also only a taste of what the two COULD do... which makes me hopeful that Benoit will insist on a rematch to prove himself and that somehow this ends up as an on-going series that doesn't culminate till Mania. Cuz I know for sure that I have no interest in Jericho being used as the TV stepping stone for Hassan for the next 2 months.

Video Package: all things Kane, Lita, and Snitsky. I FF'ed. There are certain things I don't want to be reminded of.  Ever. As long as I live. These are many of them.

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Chris Masters Vignette: same thing as last week. After it airs, omnisexual Jerry Lawler has a hard time keeping his raging boner under the commentary desk as he figuratively fellates Masters' fine physique. Because as everybody knows, all that matters is that you LOOK like somebody's idea of a pro wrestler. It doesn't matter that when you wrestled a dark match before last night's RAW, the reviews were universally negative as it regards your actual wrestling ability.

Royal Rumble Hype: the only notable thing here is that they actually did add a Michaels/Edge one-on-one match to the RAW half of the card. Huh. Both guys are also already in the Rumble itself, too.

Trish Stratus Just Isn't Playing Fair

Although we don't have any actual wrestling for her to do, why not cart out Trish Stratus? You'll get no complaints from this corner... especially not when the packaging includes those jeans.

Trish is here to pander to her hometown crowd, and Toronto is more than happy to nuzzle Trish's warm, hearty bosoms to theirs. Trish notes that it's great to be home, because she can't BELIEVE some of the things the fans in the States say about her. And then, to make up for the bad taste in my mouth from earlier when dum-dum Randall Orton stole my lines, Trish makes the joke that down in the States, we're all just a bunch of "U-S-Ay-Holes." 

But Trish is also not just out here to make jokes. She's out here to remind us that she IS the Women's Champion, and that we should have all just believed her when she called Lita the Walking Kiss of Death, and promised that if Lita stepped into the ring with her at New Year's Revolution, Trish would end her. And sure enough, Trish is here with her shiny belt, and Lita's at home with a destroyed knee.

It really isn't fair: those jeans. Check. Sense of humor that includes thinking of clever ways to call people "Ay-Holes." Check. And then just being able to actually take care of business, instead of standing around in said jeans, and being more than happy to gloat about how she took care of business? Check. What's not to like, people? And the best part is that Trish isn't done!  I shall even go so far as to fire up the recording of RAW and transcribe! 

"Lita, honey, in case you're listening, I know it's gonna be a long, long road to recovery. And a lonely one, at that. And I just wanna let you know that there is a locker room FULL of men back there who would be MORE than happy to impregnate you [hilarious little "oh yeah, I said it" nod and smirk pause] and give you that baby you keep yammering aboot. I mean, just cuz your knee is messed up, doesn't mean your uterus isn't open for business. [more allegedly-evil-but-actually-fetching smirking, and a huge cheer from the crowd] So, sweetie, lie back, put your legs up, and...."

THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE, IT'S THE GUY WHOSE DUMB DRAMA QUEEN WIFE DESERVED EVERY BIT OF MOCKING SHE JUST GOT AND WHO APPARENTLY HAS EXACTLY THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOR AS SAID WIFE~!

Kane is out, and Trish is smart enough to try to beat a retreat into the warm, welcoming bosoms of the ringside fans... but Kane has decided to leave the slow sauntered in the back this week, and instead chases right after Trish, grabbing her before she can make it over the barrier and doing a rather convincingly-badass one-arm Trish toss to put her back in the ring.  

Trish gets to her feet, but ends up pretty much only walking into a chokeslam... except... Kane is thinking twice: he grabs Trish by the throat, yes, but he doesn't know if he should actually do it. Afterall, it's not like he actually loves his wife, right? She was just property to him, a womb to grow his offspring. But maybe Kane's feelings have changed... five months ago, Kane laughed right along with some of Trish's witty comments. But tonight, what is it gonna be, Kane?

As the announcers and fans seem to be imploring Kane to let Trish go, Kane apparently decides it's not worth it. He releases Trish, and turns away. But then, in a PERFECT zoom-in, has has another change of heart and gets just about as evil a grin as you ever want to see on his face.  He immediately swings around and grabs the still-paralyzed-by-fear Trish and hoists her up for the Best Chokeslam Ever.

By which I mean: the WORST Chokeslam Ever. That jerk!  That bastard! How dare he! Trish did nothing wrong! Everything she said was based on truth! And also quite funny! And you break the poor girl in half? Asshole!  Seriously: the elevation on the chokeslam actually got the fans chanting "Holy Shit." She hasn't done it nearly as often since turning heel, but I think you should all be familiar with my stance on Trish taking wicked bumps.

Trish played dead in the ring, while Kane's music played and he sauntered about ringside. A very excellent segment.  Trish was positively stellar, and for as much as I jest about Kane being an asshole, you can kinda feel for the guy here. Sometimes, you gotta play the cards you're dealt; and although it's best if we just forget the backstory, and just accept on faith that for some reason the guy decided to go "all in" on Lita last year, then his actions are, in their own twisted way, kind of noble. I would also like to note that this segment was excellent in another way: it wasn't really over-written or overly-stilted. I don't know if you notice, but when I'm formulating my little fantasy scenarios, I try to do a lot of confrontations in the ring that aren't standard "talking on a microphone" promos. Cuz sometimes, those can get real contrived and cheesy.  Instead, I always talk about conveying ideas by having the ring mics pick up the general gist of any talking, and body language, and of course, everybody's favorite type of Gesturing (the Broad kind). What I liked about this bit is that Kane didn't stop and ask for a microphone, the things he had to say to Trish, he just said, and we got the general idea on TV, and the live crowd got the idea based on body language. And that zoom-in on Kane's creepy grin? Again, a non-verbal, non-writer-y touch that says more than any 2 pages of stilted dialogue ever could. Good stuff, here.

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Kane vs. Snitsky (No Holds Barred)

Kane's still milling about the ring and his music is still playing as we return, Trish has apparently been evacuated. Snitsky comes out, and the brawl is on. Kane jumpstarts things and controls the early moments of the match, but the no holds barred stip means that when the fight goes to ringside, Snitsky is able to grab the ringbell and wallop Kane with it. And it's legal. Snitsky takes control, including using a weightbelt in a recall of last week's attack.

The live crowd is so enthralled by this that they start doing the Wave, and also chanting something that I can't make out. It might have been something directed at Kane, since having Kane attack Trish pretty much turned him heel with these fans. Sadly, that also sapped any energy this match might have had, since nobody gives a shit about Snitsky, and he wasn't a strong enough heel to turn Kane back face.

After the weightbelt, Snitsky grabbed a steel chair, and was getting set to Pillmanize Kane's neck again.... but in the time it took Snitsky to get to the second rope, Kane removed the chair and did the Zombie Sit-Up, signaling that we were entering End Game. Kane took control of the fight, and immediately began corralling Snitsky up the ramp. JR wondered "What the hell does Kane have in mind?" but the live crowd on the proper side of the arena had a view of exactly what was down on the floor below the stage, and started an audible "Tables, Tables" chant.  And sure enough, after some lumbering reversals and teases, Kane had Snitsky set up for a chokeslam at the end of the stage.... and instead of just tossing Snitsky down, Kane came along for the ride and "drove him straight down to hell."

We finally get a camera in position, and find Kane and Snitksy are both motionless underneath table shrapnel and some cables and stuff. They were also muttering at each other for a quick moment, but I'll pretend I didn't hear them asking each other if they were OK. We also got replays from a couple different angles, as JR and King speculated if Kane slipped or if he really intended to follow Snitsky down. They eventually settled on Kane intended to do what he did. [A possible very cool, if subtle, plot point would be to have someone recall how Trish talked about the way Lita was willing to almost kill herself to win the women's title and how that recklessness would be her undoing. And of course, that came true. We've already talked about how we've seen Lita adopting Kane's catchphrases and mimicking his evil grin and stuff, and it might be an interesting little dynamic to their relationship if we now have Kane willing to almost kill HIMself to get the job done. Too subtle?]

After about 2 minutes of Kane and Snitsky being motionless, we're about out of replays and have heard enough of JR convincing us both men must be dead... so we just fade out. I'm assuming we just call it a No Decision? Probably less than 5 minutes of actual fighting, but then the big highspot at the end certainly provided an adequately big finish.