Video Package: Last week, Kane committed a murder-suicide.

Opening Theme/Pyro: Live from Oklahoma City, and the place is packed. Later tonight, we'll see Randy Orton v. Ric Flair and get a special update on Stone Cold Steve Austin. That's a pretty shitty selling point, considering how underwhelming the announcement is.

Opening Awesomeness: Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, and Chris Benoit v. Christian, Goat Boy, and Edge

They're opening RAW with a match I'd pay to see? Sweet. It's not every day you see a match with four different guys who could all main-event a PPV. Worth noting: HBK gets no pyro, and Benoit receives the biggest pop.

Michaels and Christian start. HBK gets a headlock and a knockdown. He goes after Edge to no avail, then tags in Benoit. Benoit and Christian exchange punches, and Benoit goes for the Crossface, but Christian rolls out. Northern Lights suplex gets two for Benoit. Tomko tags in and clubs away, but gets chopped for his troubles. Jericho in, putting the boots to Goat Boy. Tomko misses a blind charge and gets a dropkick and some chops, then eats a drop toehold. Jericho does a little jig on Tomko's back, which only pisses off Goat Boy. He tries a press slam, but Jericho counters with a rollup for two. Y2J goes for the Walls, but it's broken up by Edge. Suddenly everyone's in and fighting it out. Tomko and Edge are tossed, and the two Chrises press Christian to the outside on top of his teammates. Whew; that was a fast-paced opening, and a perfect time for some...

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We're back, with Christian pounding away on Benoit. Benoit fights back and tags in HBK, who gets an inverted atomic drop. They slug it out for a minute, and HBK gets low-bridged to the outside by Edge, who tosses him back in. Edge tags in and beats on HBK. Christian tags in, and a neckbreaker gets two. Tomko tags in and gets his usual offense (lots and lots of clubbing.) Jericho breaks up a two-count, and Edge tags back in. Know what I like about the Edge/HBK stuff? They're completely capable of scientific wrestling, but they're brawling like there's no tomorrow, as if they completely hate each other. Good stuff. Christian back in. HBK fights out of a chokehold, but can't get the tag. Tomko back in, and more clubbing. Powerslam gets two. Edge back in with a dropkick, and he obnoxiously mocks HBK's pose. Heh.

Christian in with more stomping. HBK gets a rollup, but the ref is distracted and it only gets two. Aaaaand back to the chinlock. Michaels Hulks up and fights out of it, and a double clothesline gets a double KO. Michaels slowly crawls up, and gets the hot tag to Benoit. Tomko tags in and catches the brunt of Benoit's offense. German suplex for Tomko, snap suplex for Christian, and a snap suplex for Edge onto Christian. Sweet. Jericho hits a springboard dropkick and a plancho on Tomko to the outside. Christian eats a hat trick of Germans and a headbutt. Sharpshooter attempt, but Edge breaks that up, and HBK comes back in to even the odds. Tomko tries a big boot on Benoit but misses, and walks right into some Sweet Chin Music. Benoit smoothly rolls him up for the three. Edge stares down Michaels as he walks up the ramp. Awesome, fast-paced opener.

Winners: Chris Benoit, Shawn Michaels, and Chris Jericho

Smackdown! Rebound: Okay, so last week, Angle totally kidnapped some bimbo named Joy, and that for some reason pisses off the happily-married Big Show. Teddy Long totally makes Kurt apologize, and JBL pretends to side with Show just for the night to beat up on Kurt. So Kurt comes out and is all, "I know I kidnapped you and locked you in a trunk, Joy, but I'm sorry anyway," and Joy is all, "Whatever, you jackass." So then, like, JBL comes out and TOTALLY turns on Big Show 'cause he's secretly with Angle! It was, like, an evil plan all along!

Backstage: Stacy stands around in a short skirt, looking pretty and ditzy. Lawler says she's got a surprise for J.R. Oh good lord, didn't the Kane/Lita pregnancy angle suck enough the first time around?

[ads. That Nike commercial with Mariano Rivera and Brian Urlacher and that guy from the Cardinals whose name escapes me and all those freaky masks creeped me out at first, but now I think it's awesome. Must be the rum.]

Old Video Footage: Hulk Hogan visits the Johnny Carson show in 1985. Aww.

Triple H is an Evil Man and BOO HIM, PLEASE! Theatre

Stacy comes down the ring and announces that earlier today, the governor of Oklahoma has proclaimed today "Jim Ross Day." She brings up Danny Hodge, a former NCAA wrestling champion from OU to help celebrate. Danny gets a good pop by hopping over the top rope. Cool! An agile old guy! By the time I'm his age, I'll probably have broken my hip at least three times. Stacy brings J.R. down to the ring, and at first I think that he's taking just a little too long to soak up the cheers, but fuck it. How often do you get a day named after you? Let him enjoy it, because he's about to get whacked in the balls.

Footage of J.R. at a ceremony with the governor earlier today rolls on the Titan Tron. Then, that little hussy Stacy gives J.R. a smooch on the cheek. J.R. takes the mic and shouts out his Sooners, and barely gets out a heartfelt thanks before Triple H (with his hair flat-ironed into oblivion -- seriously, he probably spends more time on his hair than I do) and Ric Flair decide to interrupt, mockingly clapping as they stroll down the ramp.

Trips takes the mic from J.R. and makes fun of Oklahoma for celebrating J.R. in the first place, J.R. himself, and generally acts like a jackass for a few minutes. He rubs salt into the wound by bringing up the embarrassing score from the USC-Sooners game. Ouch. But I'm not too sympathetic, since I'm a diehard UGA fan and am bred to hate any other football team. Trips says that there should instead be a "Triple H Day," and tells J.R. and "Father Time" to leave. But not Stacy -- he grabs her by the wrist and won't let her leave, saying that she's part of the business he wants to take care of.

But J.R. steps in, and Trips is all, "Huh? I told you to leave." J.R. responds by saying that he knows he'll get his ass kicked, but, "As a man," won't leave Trips in the ring with Stacy. Big pop for that. Trips threatens J.R., and Flair hits a low blow from behind. Before Trips can gloat, Danny Hodge steps in and clocks Triple H! Go, old man, go! That doesn't last long, as Flair and Trips put the boots to Danny and go right back to harassing Stacy. Trips tells Stacy that since she kissed J.R. and Randy Orton last week, he wants a piece of the action. He acts like he's going to kiss her, but then sets her up for the Pedigree. Before he can kill Stacy, Orton runs in for the save. Yawn.

You know, not to beat a dead horse, but I think I've finally figured out why I have an especially irrational dislike of Randy Orton. I've tried very hard to be objective and was relatively nice with my criticisms of him in my Year in Review, but tonight it hit me. You know who Randy Orton is?

Randy Orton is the frat boy who has absolutely no sense of self-awareness. His hair is gelled perfectly, he's dressed just well enough that I contemplate his sexual orientation (not that there's anything wrong with that), and he's vaguely cute in that way that 13 year-old girls just love: he's athletic, but is "secure enough in his masculinity" to spend some time in front of the mirror every morning. Ditzy girls love this type of guy, but any woman with a brain is completely turned off by it.

He's the guy who hits on me in a bar and tries to buy me a drink, thinking that it will somehow obligate me to spend the rest of my night with him when all I want to do is play pool and monopolize the jukebox. He assumes that I will automatically be smitten with him, not because he's cocky, but because he's used to being fawned over by women of the less-intelligent persuasion. Every word out of his mouth is complete and utter bullshit. He tells me that being healthy and fit is very important to him when the only reason he works out is because it attracts the chicks. He tells me that he thinks pick-up lines are lame and never uses them without realizing that that in and of itself is a pickup line. He mentions that he drives an expensive car and offers to take me for a ride in it sometime, thinking that this somehow makes him appealing rather than an obnoxious jackass.

He goes right out and tells me that he's classy and humble, meaning that he is neither of those things. He says that Citizen Kane is the greatest movie of all-time because he probably saw it at the top of the AFI 100 list, even though he's never seen it. He wears pink shirts. He drives slowly around downtown on Saturday nights in his SUV, blasting Usher and Lil' Jon on his overpriced stereo system while causing hearing loss for everyone within a 100-yard radius of his penismobile that has put him in massive credit-card debt. I try to be polite without calling him on his bullshit and nicely brush him off, but he won't quit. I tell him to give me his phone number so I can get him to leave me the fuck alone, but now he's been talking to me for at least five minutes, and that obviously means that I want to sleep with him tonight so he won't. Go. Away. When I try to pay my tab and leave he again offers to buy me a drink and tries to persuade me to stay or go back to his place and "watch a movie," because in his convoluted mind I'm just playing hard-to-get. His brain is unable to process rejection, and if I'm outright mean to him, he'll automatically tell everyone he knows that I'm a psycho bitch.

He finally grasps the fact that yes, I am leaving, and no, not with him, and won't let me go until I give him my phone number. So I give him a fake number to go with his fake personality, and leave knowing that I can never go to my favorite fucking bar again because he'll be camped out there the one night I decide to try and go back.

What a fucking bastard.

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The Continuing Saga of Batista's Awesomeness

Trips and Flair are gloating backstage, with the champ stopping long enough to forcibly flirt with some Diva Search loser in a slutty outfit. Well, that's what she gets for dressing like a skank. They find Batista lacing up his boots in the locker room, and start bragging about their actions a few moments ago -- and Batista's incredulous and none-too-impressed reactions are totally awesome. They tell him about sack-punching J.R. (Batista: "J.R., the announcer?"), beating up Danny Hodge ("Danny Hodge? How old is that guy?"), and almost Pedigreeing Stacy ("Stacy Kiebler? Tiny, 110-pound Stacy Kiebler?") They gloss over the part about running away from Randy Orton, the Potential Date Rapist.

Batista then tells Trips that he thought about what he said last week, and has decided to take the qualifying match for the Royal Rumble. Big pop for that. Trips isn't happy and starts to talk him down, but Batista reasons that going into the Rumble match is the surest way to keep the title in Evolution ("on the off-chance" that Trips loses), and keep all of their bases covered. He leaves to go see Bischoff before Trips and Flair can protest.

Elsewhere backstage: Regal is asking Bischoff for a chance to wrestle a qualifying match for one of the remaining five spots in the Rumble. Bischoff isn't too keen on that, because Regal hasn't shown any loyalty after the way he handled Eugene last year. So instead, an empty spot will go to the Coach. Okay, I like Coach and all, but huh?

Regal leaves in a huff, and Coach departs while La Resistance shows up, asking about the Rumble. Bischoff says it's a complicated issue, and right on time, Batista arrives. Sylvan Grenier has a bright idea: La Resistance v. Batista for spots in the Rumble. Bischoff isn't sure about it, but Batista just shrugs and says, "It's okay. I'll beat 'em both." My love for Batista knows no bounds. Conway says that when he wins, he'll shove his Quebec flag down Batista's throat. Batista counters with, "Yeah? I'll shove it someplace else." The crowd loves it, and Batista departs with Grenier muttering something in French. I think it was along the lines of, "Is that all? We're not scared," but my French is really rusty. Great segment.

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Later tonight: Randy Orton v. Flair, and the Austin announcement.

Tajiri v. Viscera (Rumble Qualifying Match)

Coach is out to announce that tonight's qualifying match is an over-the-top-rope challenge. Tajiri hits a green mist and goes for a handspring elbow, but is quickly swatted down and tossed over the top rope. Thanks for coming, Tajiri. Somewhere, Rick Scaia weeps. I know that WWE is banking on Viscera being this year's unstoppable monster in the Rumble, but Viscera is no Big Show.

Winner: Viscera

Last week: Trish slandered Lita with a badass promo, and Kane responded by killing her. Later, Kane killed Snitsky and himself. They are still both vowing to be in the Royal Rumble.

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Last Week: La Resistance had a "big" win.

Backstage: Mic Stand Maria stops Tajiri and asks him how it felt to lose his match. Tajiri answers in Japanese. Don't do that, man. She already has enough trouble with English. Regal interrupts, and tells Tajiri that he has a plan to get back at Bischoff. He asks Maria flirtatiously if she has any questions for him, but she says no because she is an idiot. Regal mutters "Silly tart," under his breath, and I am suddenly in love with him. He and Tajiri take off before Maria can register that she's been insulted. Current projections indicate Maria will struggle to this revelation at some point in the autumn of 2013, so they probably didn't have to be in such a rush.

Batista v. La Resistance (Handicap Match, Rumble Qualifier)

Grenier tries to sing "O Canada," but is quickly slugged down by Batista. He slugs down Conway and Grenier, but misses a blind charge. La Rez goes on the offensive and get a two-count. Lots of kicking, elbows, and an attempt to work on the shoulder. Grenier gets and armbar and Conway makes the mistake of slapping Batista: that just pisses him off, and he shoves both men away. He powerslams Grenier and then spinebusters Conway on top of him, and pins them both for the 3-count. Two minutes, tops. It wasn't great or anything, but it told a story and served its purpose.

Winner: Batista

Post-match, Batista grabs the Quebec flag and sticks it upright between Conway's butt-cheeks. The crowd cheers, and I laugh.

Backstage: Triple H watches on a monitor, clearly worried. Flair calls the win impressive, and Trips says that he's off to do something impressive of his own. Change his pants, maybe?

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Last week: Muhammad Hassan and Daivari mouthed off to Jericho and beat the crap out of him.

Muhammad Hassan (w/ Daivari) v. Val Venis (Rumble Qualifying Match)

Holy crap, Val Venis is still alive? Before the match, Daivari grabs Lillian's mic and screams at her in Farsi, chasing her out of the ring. Hassan uses this distraction to get the early jump on Venis. Boots, elbows, and an Irish whip to the corner follow. Suplex on Venis, with Daivari screaming all the while, mic still in hand. More boots and a backbreaker by Hassan. Venis fights back with chops but is cut off with more boots and choking in the corner. Dude, get a moveset already. Suplex on Venis, as Hassan continues to work on the back. Boots, boots, and more boots. I could wrestle this match. Hassan goes to a modified Camel Clutch. Venis fights out and gets a couple of near-falls, but there's really no point in me recapping this match any further. It's a guy getting a huge push fighting Val Venis. Who do you think wins? Another minute and it's all over after Venis whiffs on the Money Shot. Daivari continues to scream, and tells everyone (in perfect English) that Hassan is the soon-to-be Royal Rumble winner.

Winner: Hassan

Backstage: Trips returns to the locker room and congratulates Batista on his win. He says that Batista was right about covering all the bases, and for that reason, he has convinced Bischoff to give Flair the final spot in the Rumble. Flair seems surprised, and Batista does a great acting job here: you can tell he's thinking something, but his expression is completely ambiguous. Trips says that, "on the off chance" that Batista is eliminated from the Rumble, Flair can win it instead. All three guys engage in a little group hug/planning session. Aww. Isn't repressed homosexuality cute?

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Poor (?) Maven

I don't know what to think about WWE's handling of Maven. His current schtick is very entertaining and may signal a real push in the near future, or it could just be a total dead-end that will be forgotten in two weeks. We shall see, but Maven continues to bring it on the mic (I'm one of the few who loved what he did with Shelton Benjamin at NYR; sure, there wasn't much a match, but he cracked my shit up.)

We come back from the break with Maven in the ring, mic in hand. He says that Bischoff has given him a chance to win a spot in the Rumble. He challenges any participant in the back to face him, putting his spot in the match on the line. Crickets chirp and a tumbleweed rolls by, so Maven tries the "Nobody has the guts to face me" tactic, and gets none other than a limping and heavily bandaged Kane for his troubles. Why am I not surprised?

Maven v. Kane (Kane's Rumble Spot is On the Line)

Maven predictably freaks out. "I did not mean you... I meant anybody else." Kane's in no condition to be fighting anyway, and really, Maven meant anybody else but Kane.

"It's Not. My. Fault!"

Cue Gene Snitsky, who limps down the ramp in worse shape than Kane. Maven shits a brick, and Mike Chioda confers with Lillian. She announces that we now have a Triple Threat match. Christ, this show has gone downhill since the opening match.

Maven v. Kane v. Gene Snitsky (Rumble Qualifying Match for Maven)

Kane and Snitsky go after each other, barely able to withstand punches without backing off and screaming in pain. Maven wisely stays out of it for the most part. He attempts a pin on Snitsky, but only gets two. He tentatively heads over to cover Kane, who hilariously does a zombie sit-up that sends Maven scurrying. Kane tries to cover Snitsky, but Maven breaks it up. Snitsky is Irish-whipped into the corner and clotheslined out by Kane. Maven slugs away on Kane, but gets caught with a chokeslam for the pin. Uhh... okay. Kane and Snitsky stare each other down as Snitsky retreats up the ramp. This was pretty pointless and barely two minutes long.

Winner: Kane

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In the Ring: Christy Hemme shoots off the t-shirt gun. Way to earn that $250,000, honey.

Stone Cold Update: I feel very, very sorry for any fans who stuck around for RAW to specifically see this. It's a video package detailing Austin's media tour this past week, both at his press conference and an appearance on The Best Damn Sports Show Period with Vince McMahon, talking about his movie deal with WWE films. Because God knows we were all clamoring for more of that fine acting work Austin turned in on Nash Bridges. Eh, I kid. Sort of. I think he could be decent in the right role in a movie as a supporting actor, but I'm very skeptical.

Rumble Hype: J.R. and Lawler throw it to Tazz and Michael Cole, who hype the Smackdown! side of the PPV: Angle v. JBL v. Big Show for the WWE Title, and Undertaker v. Heidenreich in a Casket Match. They point out that a Smackdown! star has won the Rumble the last two years. J.R. and Lawler plug Edge v. Shawn Michaels and Triple H v. Randy Orton for the World Title.

Backstage, yet again: Todd Grisham is interviewing Edge, and he asks about his attack on Shawn Michaels the previous week. Edge cuts him off, saying that he isn't bitter. He says that he did change: he became a realist. "I sat out two Wrestlemanias with a broken neck!" He vows to make history on Sunday, beating HBK and winning the Royal Rumble. He rattles off a list of wrestlers in the Rumble, concluding with a very strong, very intense, "Nobody is going to stop me!" Spot-on work again from Edge, and I can't wait for his match this Sunday.

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Chris Masters Vignette: Wow, he's a cross between Randy Orton and Mark Jindrak. He's the best of both worlds!

Ric Flair (w/ Triple H and Batista) v. Randy Orton

I can hear teenage girls screaming now about the stitches marring Randy's pretty, pretty face. Orton gets a shoulder tackle and slaps Flair in the face (as if I needed another reason to dislike him.) Criss-cross sequence ends in a dropkick for Orton. Flair gets a thumb to the eye and chops Orton down. More chopping and punching in the corner. Orton's stitches have opened up and he is now bleeding.

Orton punches Flair in the corner. Flair Flop count: 1. Back body drop count: 1. Flair begs off and bails; Orton follows. They fight on the outside, with Flair falling into the laps of the guys in the front row. He doesn't grab anyone's boobs this time, though. Flair goes to the top but gets slammed off. Back body drop count: 2. Triple H trips up Orton, but the ref thinks it was Batista and tosses him. Trips makes a hilarious little kid's "I didn't do it" face, standing with his hands behind his back and averting his eyes from Batista, who briefly protests, then calmly heads to the back. Not before boring holes into Triple H with his eyes, though. Excellent stuff, as the Triple H/Batista dynamic continues to outshine anything Trips has done with Orton.

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We're back with both men slugging it out. Flair gets knocked outside, and Orton suplexes him back in for two. Flair begs off but gets stomped anyway. Orton misses a dropkick, and gets a low blow while Trips distracts the ref. Flair gets a few knees to the face and hammers away on Orton. The crowd chants for Randy, and now I hate them too. More punching from Flair. More kicking. Trips gets in a cheapshot to massive boos. Goddamn, this match is plodding along slowly. I haven't had to stop and rewind my tape once yet for this match while I'm transcribing. Couldn't Batista come out here again?

Flair hotshots Orton and chops away, but suddenly Orton decides to invoke the spirit of the injured Eugene and hulks up. What the fuck? Have we ever seen him do this before? It's not like he expanded his moveset or anything, he's just stealing the schtick from a retard. Orton tries to look all intense and crazy-eyed like Shohreh Aghdashloo from 24, but it just looks silly. He fights back and pounds away in the corner. Flair flop count: 2. Back body drop count: 3. Clothesline and a backbreaker on Flair. Powerslam gets two. Orton knocks Trips off the apron, but gets chop-blocked by Flair. In a nice touch, the announcers start worrying about yet another knee injury on a wrestler. Flair goes for the Figure Four, but is kicked away and inadvertently bumps the ref.

Trips runs in and uses his belt to hit Orton... in the knee? I know that's psychologically sound, but it just looked kind of silly to see a belt shot to the back of the knee. Flair slaps on the Figure Four as another ref runs out, but Orton turns him over. Trips yanks the ref out of the ring before Flair can tap. Trips works over Randy's knee and attempts a belt shot from the middle rope (again, on the knee? Weird), but eats boot. Randy crawls to his feet and hits and RKO on Flair just as the ref crawls back in the ring for the three count. Orton celebrates in the ring with the belt as Triple H watches from the ramp, clearly frustrated as we fade to black.

Winner: Randy Orton