Just by virtue of looking and feeling a little different from a standard edition of RAW, last night's show seemed almost certain to be a good one. 
 

Here's how it all went down...

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we are Not Live But Close Enough from the outskirts of Tokyo, Japan! Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler barely have time to say "Howdy," because tonight, the job of hyping our trio of major matches falls to our General Manager, who arrives thusly....

Eric Bischoff's Department of Redundancy Department

I don't know if it was intentional to get some heel heat, or if WWE honestly miscalculated, but when Eric Bischoff hit the ring to announce some matches for the Biggest RAW Ever, he brought a translator with him.

But the crowd didn't seem to be having any problems following along with Bischoff's initial comments (color me surprised) and when the translator repeated Bischoff's comments in Japanese, they booed him more than they booed Bischoff. At first, I thought maybe the louder boos were just the last 25% of the audience getting the message, but by the end, it was clear that the fans just flat-out didn't like the patronizing redundancy of a translator.  Funny.

There was nothing to Bischoff's speech: just telling us to get ready for Edge vs. Triple H with the World Title on the line, for Tajiri/William Regal vs. La Resistance in a tag title match, and to start us off? Here come the Canadian Chrisses right now....

Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho (Submissions Match)

JR had done his homework, and revealed that the first time Benoit and Jericho ever faced each other was right here in Tokyo in the 1993 Super J Cup. He puts over the idea that the "knowledgeable Japanese fans" (hey, dammit, Jim, what's wrong with some of us American ones?) have watched Benoit and Jericho grow up in the business, putting a little more backstory to the match.

Benoit and Jericho do a good solid minute of just staredowns and nose-to-nose trashtalking before they finally lock-up. But once they lock-up, they don't want to let go, and even tumble out of the ring together when neither will release. Finally the ref wrenches them apart, and both guys get in the ring to reset: and kids, THIS is where some of the indie wrestling wanker fans learned the "Mutual Appreciation Spot." The only difference is that Benoit and Jericho didn't do anything to ask for it, whereas 90% of Indie Appreciation Spots have the guys in the ring pausing and practically begging for it before the idiot fans remember to behave like they're in Japan. 

Sorry for the digression. Match is another 90 seconds or so of VERY evenly matched mat wrestling and reversals, all of which seemed to impress the crowd. Then speaking of counters, a super cool one in which Benoit was groggy on the apron, and Jericho went for his double jump dropkick... but Benoit knew it was coming and intercepted Jericho, shoving him back into the corner when Jericho tried the second jump. Then Benoit got up on the middle rope, and pulled Jericho up with him, apparently wanting to set up a superplex of some kind. But Jericho's not hurt enough yet, and begins defending himself. Jericho and Benoit first start throwing fists on the middle ropes, and then graduate up to headbutting the crap out of each other (Jericho even gets busted open over one eye, hard way). Finally, both guys unload with a headbutt simultaneously, and both go tumbling to the floor. And no matter what language you speak, this is a perfect spot for some....

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Back, and Benoit is in total control with an array of suplexes... but when Benoit got greedy and tried to hit the Hat Trick of Germans, Jericho still had enough in the tank to power his way out after the first suplex. Jericho tried some funky submission move that is best described as "Like an abdominal stretch, but not as dumb-looking" (I guess a variation on an Octopus Hold). But Benoit was able to escape that. And again, Benoit decided it might be time to do the Hat Trick of Germans; this time, he got 2 of them in before Jericho was able to counter.

Jericho managed to work his way into a half-crab, again going for the submission, but Benoit was AGAIN able to counter-wrestle out of it; it looked like they wanted to do a smooth transition into a Sharpshooter for Benoit, but it started to look awkward, so Benoit just clubbed Jericho, and then went to his bread and butter again: this time, he hit all three of the Germans in a row! And he also went up top, and hit the Swandive Headbutt. If pinfalls were legal, Benoit probably could have had one right there... but they weren't, so Benoit had to maneuver his way into a submission hold. While he was doing so, Jericho got a sudden burst of energy, and dropped Benoit with a jawbreaker, and then a Lariat. Jericho saw Benoit flat on his back in the middle of the ring, and was struck by inspirado...

He went for the Lionsault, and in so doing, hit this ultra cool spot: Benoit saw it coming and raised his knees, but Jericho saw the knees coming, and just as he'll sometimes land on his feet if an opponent rolls out of the way, he landed on his feet this time, too, and also just so happened to have Benoit's legs very conveniently positioned: Jericho just grabbed Benoit's legs and rolled him into the Walls of Jericho. Nice.  But Benoit was easily able to power out, and in fact countered his way into the Crippler Crossface.  Jericho fought the good fight, and eventually got to the ropes, but the damage had been done: Benoit just yanked him into the middle of the ring, and locked in the Crossface again, this time with a little extra torque for good measure.  Jericho had to tap out.  Probably a bit shorter than I'd have liked (there was definitely a spot where they obviously edited SOMEthing out, and I don't know if it was a missed spot, or if it was for time), but a good solid 12 minutes of action. And now, the "series" between Benoit and Jericho is tied at one apiece. Rubber Match, anyone?
 
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Shameless Ass Kissing: a five minute vignette about the WWE stars "challenging, but rewarding" tour of Japan, and how the super-duper-mega-awesome Japanese fans make all the plane time worthwhile. The only rewarding part for me? When they showed a few clips of Japanese fans, and they had two girls reacting to Tajiri the way silly twits in this country react to Randall Orton.

Backstage: Triple H is silent and contemplative. Ric Flair is ranting and rambling about awesome it is to be back in Japan and how many Happy Endings he had the night before. HHH confirms that yes, Evolution are hits with the ladies in any country, but is also all about business tonight. He has re-re-thought his position, and now he thinks that Batista should NOT jump to SD!, because he really wants the All Evolution Main Event at WrestleMania. But Flair corrects him and says HHH should never second guess himself: the plot to send Batista to SD! to take JBL's title and then Evolution would run the wrestling business. For as much thought as he'd apparently put into re-re-changing his mind, HHH sure seemed easily swayed by Flair's ego-stroking... he promised to talk to Batista about this later tonight.

Elsewhere Backstage: A Japanese reporter is interviewing Christian. Well, is standing in the vicinity while Christian ladles on the self-promotional hype (about how all his "Japanese Peeps, or as I like to call them, Jeeps" love him). Finally, the reporter sees something he likes: Stacy Keibler. Christian is not pleased that he'd rather talk to Stacy than to Captain Charisma. So Christian launches into a diatribe about Stacy and Randy Orton. Stacy's retort, "Ohmigod, I totally can't believe you just said that about me and my boyfriend. He's, like, the quarterback of the football team, and he so totally loves me, and he's gonna kick your butt." Christian says "Oh, it's on." Stacy and the reporter leave, and Tomko's like "Way to challenge Orton to a match tonight, boss." But Christian reponds, "Oh no, I didn't. YOU did." Tomko seems put out, but Christian assures him that he as A Plan.
 
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#2 In An On-Going Series: HHH is "Braveheart" in another hilarious movie spoof. I won't bother explaining it, you just have to see it. And again, I look forward to more of these... I'd been blanking on some roles for the women, but here's a few more ideas: Stacy Keibler in a "Basic Instinct" spoof (Lawler should be in the Newman role, too)...  and what do you do with Trish? I did a little brainstorming last night, and the best we could come up with was either "The Matrix" or "Kill Bill." I don't know if "Kill Bill" is "classic" enough, though, even though it would be a perfect fit for Trish to do some ass-kicking.

Batista vs. Maven

They got it right this week: they remembered to let Maven run his mouth before the match, in so doing, reminding us of what a ginormous prick he is. The gist of Maven's speech this week: it was a travesty that he wasn't in the Royal Rumble, but if he had been, there's no way that chump Batista would have won. Remember Maven: it's not a lie as long as YOU believe it!

Of course, Batista has heard enough of this, and is annoyed enough that he doesn't even really put his heart into Pointing The Toe or Churning The Butter this week (which is all well and good): he just wants to get to the ring. And Jim Ross barely has time to mention that "Batista doesn't get paid by the hour" before Batista hits the powerbomb and wins the match. Less than 30 seconds. Fans love it, and I gotta admit, I'm not immune to some bad-assery of this caliber, either.

After the Match: Batista is leaving the ring when suddenly, the Big Show appears on the TitanTron? Yup yup. This week's inconveniently-timed SmackDown! Rebound has Show mentioning that he's gonna take the WWE Title at No Way Out, and then he doesn't give a damn if Batista does jump to SD!: because Batista is just a big fish in a "small RAW pond," and Show would have no trouble beating him at WM21. Batista is not pleased by this.

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Backstage: Batista confronts Eric Bischoff, and wants to know how in the hell another SD! clip showed up on RAW to interrupt him. Bischoff pleads ignorance, but says he is doing his best to figure it out, because he doesn't want to lose Batista. In fact, Bischoff goes very humble and contrite as he says he's seen Teddy Long's offer, and how he thinks Batista shouldn't take it, as generous as it is. Because here on RAW, Batista's got a straight-up, one-on-one title shot at WM21, but over on SD!, there's all this crap with a 3-way dance, and that's not what Batista wants. Bischoff seems fully ready to continue his rambling, but Batista eventually cuts him off with a calm, "OK, OK, you've made your point." Oh, Batista, you big ol' level-headed lug, always not flying off the handle like an idiot....

La Resistance vs. William Regal/Tajiri (World Tag Team Title Match)

Predictably, Tajiri is over in a major way. Regal started the match, but the crowd was chanting for Tajiri, so Tajiri tagged in to a huge pop and hit a few spots. But then, the lay-out of the match dictated that Regal tag in and let Tajiri play Robert Gibson. Sure enough, after about 2 time-condensed minutes of getting his ass kicked, Regal made the hot tag to Tajiri, who was the proverbial House Afire.  Tajiri kicked ass on both Conway and Grenier, culminating in "picking up the 7/10 split" with the handspring elbow to a huge pop.  Tajiri then decided to go for the Tarantula on Grenier, but Conway broke it up, and briefly joined in some double-team action on Tajiri. But that's exactly when Regal got his wits about him and picked off Conway for some brawling outside the ring.

While the ref was distracted by the ringside antics, Grenier tried to Pearl Harbor Tajiri with the Quebec flagpole, but Tajiri saw it coming in the nick of time and blocked it. Moments later, while the ref was still distracted, Tajiri blasted Grenier with the Blinding Green Mist, and then with the Buzzsaw Kick. Ref turned around just in time to make a three count. Really abbreviated, maybe 4 minutes, tops, but also very exciting and a cool moment for Tajiri and Regal. After the match, Tajiri even did some mic work, and then he and Regal actually went out and celebrated in the crowd. As this happens, Jim Ross comments, "I know Eugene's sitting at home with a big smile on his face." Which is probably the way it should be, but did anyone else briefly have visions on what might happen if Eugene is NOT so happy about Tajiri "stealing" his spot? I dunno; I doubt it'd click, but you know me and my brain, always rifling through ideas and possibilities at Warp 9.

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Hey, That Guy's Famous: the only American born Sumo champion in history, Akebono, is seated at ringside. He is, to hear Jim Ross tell it, a huge WWE fan, and also a member of the Sumo Hall of Fame. Which is a Restaurant Quality Segue to....

Hall of Fame Video Package: same thing that aired on SD!. And I don't recap repeats.

Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair

And another smooth transition: from the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2005 to two future First Ballot Hall of Famers! Whooo! 

Before I continue: there was nothing funnier all night long than watching the Japanese fans getting down to the funky music. On the Soulless and Rhythm Deficient Continuum, the poor Japanese seem to be about 200% less gifted than "White People." The visual of 15,000 fans all clapping along, in efficient, mechanical, choppy unison was hilarious. They REALLY got going during Shawn's song, that's for sure.

But actually, both guys are just massively over and popular. Even when Flair had to resort twice in the opening minutes to Eye Pokes to swing the advantage back to his favor, they'd cheer him. But then again, I guess Flair has entered "kitsch" even in Japan, now, because they also ate it up when he did the Flop, and let out a sigh of frustration when he foolishly decided to try going to the top rope. HA! Finally, one of Flair's eye pokes gave him enough of an opening to start targeting Shawn's knee... so for a few minutes in the middle of the match, that was the theme, culminating in a Figure Four.

But of course, Michaels was eventually able to turn Flair over to reverse the pressure. HBK gained some momentum, but kept on selling the knee (including almost buckling on his patented post-Flying Burrito nip up), giving Flair enough of an opening to keep hitting little spots and almost stealing the win.  So that was the dynamic for a few minutes of more back-and-forthy action. Shawn finally decided it was time to HBK Up, and in rapid succession managed to put Flair down with a series of slams and backdrops...  Flair ended up in perfect position to be hit with the Macho Man Elbow, so Shawn obliged. And then, he tuned up the band, and nailed Flair with the Sweet Chin Music. Probably not more than 7-8 minutes, but pretty fun while it lasted.  Still nowhere near the blow-away experience I would have expected given the rave reviews these two are getting from house show matches...

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Well, I Guess It Could Have Been Much Worse, But I Still Don't Appreciate Having to Put Up with Crap Theatre

So this is something called the "All American Diva Fashion Show." And WWE could even be bothered to PRETEND to come up with a point or a format for this thing... they just had Jerry Lawler introduce Maria the Mic Stand (who appeared dressed fairly normally, except she had a cowboy hat on, to indicate that she's the All American Cowgirl, or something), Victoria (who just wore her ring gear, but with a leather jacket, and making "VROOM VROOM" gestures to indicate she's the All American Biker Bitch), and Red Headed Spaz (who, praise jesus, is actually wearing a bikini as she prances out to the Hives; so at least one of the three decided to dress special for the occasion). 

The reason why WWE didn't bother coming up with a point or a format for this thing is because they didn't have to. The girls' parts in this are basically done, since before Jerry Lawler can blather on idiotically much longer, Simon Dean is here to interrupt with his OWN brand of unique idiotic blather. GODDAMMIT, and to think I actually had visions of Molly Holly interrupting this because if there's any country that would appreciate a girl what can do a picture perfect Northern Lights Suplex, it'd be Japan. But nope: Simon Dean.

So Simon calls the divas fat, and then proceeds to call the Japanese people fat, and tells them that they have to quit venerating the Sumo Culture.... at which point the crowd remembers: HEY, Akebono is here! Actually, Akebono helped remind them by standing up and giving Simon the Skunk Eye. Simon immediately back pedals, saying he didn't mean Akebono. Pussy. So instead he decides to go back to making fun of the girls. And then, when Lawler decides to stand up and tell Simon to shut up, Simon can't help but notice that Lawler's looking a little chunky, and calls him "Burger King." Wheeee! Simon's character is straight out of 1985, and now he's stealing lame-ass WWF nicknames from 1995. As Simon keeps running his mouth at Lawler, Spaz sneaks up from behind and uppernuts him. Play the Hives, and may the prancing about continue!

You know: this was really, really dumb and pointless. There's really no good reason to put Simon Dean on TV (well, he can stay on Heat, and I won't care), and energy expended on trying to get Spaz and the Useless Divas over is always going to be misplaced in my opinion (would it have been so wrong for Victoria to have been the one to uppernut Simon? At least, then, there might be some in-ring resolution of the issue.... although, no, scratch that; because the only possible female heel for Simon to recruit to help him is Molly, and merely contemplating the possibilities of Simon's asinine character being paired with Molly makes me want to weep at how very, very dumb I know the WWE creative team can be when the really buckle down and focus). But at least it was quick and to the point, and stopped short of being as outright awful as some past Useless Diva Excursions.

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Backstage: we're in the Evolution locker room, and HHH decides now is as good a time as any to talk to Batista about the RAW/SD! choice. He says that those guys running their mouths on SD! need to be shut up, and Batista can do it. HHH will miss the chance to have the greatest WM main event ever, but it's for the best if they both hold the two top titles in the business. Flair has HHH's back all the way on this, and goes so far as to say that it'd be "bigger than the Horsemen" if they pull this off. Batista is taking this all in, and he just says, "That's good. I'm gonna think about that."  HHH apparently wanted a different answer and says, "You'll think about it?" Batista: "Yeah, I'll think about it."  Batista's unstated, but understood follow up is "And you got a problem with that?"... but HHH doesn't got a problem with Batista. At least, not yet. So he nervously lets it slide, and switches gears to making sure everybody knows what to do tonight in the match against Edge...

Elsewhere Backstage: Edge himself has a few words for us. And for as "out of character" as it seemed to me that Edge would be handed this shot, when his gimmick is to bitch and moan about being constantly screwed, he sure did a MASTERFUL job of making it seem like he's STILL getting screwed tonight, title shot or no. He bitches about the BraveHHHeart ad and how HHH talks about taking his title to WM21, disrespecting Edge and his chances of beating HHH before WM. He bitches about everybody talking about Batista and which title he'll fight for at WM21, but nobody thinks that Edge will be the one that Batista has to fight to win that title at WM21. In short, tonight should be about EDGE, but instead, everybody's still talking about HHH and Batista, and so on and so forth... Edge promises to show them all by walking out of the ring tonight with the World Title.

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I Spoke Too Soon: Another kiss-up to the Japanese fans vignette, this time with a heavy focus on Randy Orton. Let's just say there are apparently vapid teenage girls in every country, and that Randy Orton, dim as he is, has mastered the ability to exude "slimy toolbox" in at least 150 different languages. Again, I have to wonder if WWE really thinks that showcasing Orton like this is gonna make anybody like him, or if this actually is part of a slow-burning plot to turn him heel...

Randy Orton vs. The Lovely Miss Tomko

Orton came out fast, and even JR didn't bother trying to cover up the fact that Tomko is a "massive underdog" in this match.  But about 2 minutes in, Orton was close to finishing Tomko, and that's when Christian's plan kicked in: he dragged Stacy Keibler out to the ring. Orton was briefly distracted, and Tomko took the chance to hit him with a hard clothesline. Orton went down in a heap, and it's quickly apparent that he's having another one of his spells. And that's bad news: because when Randy Orton plays borderline-retarded, THAT is when he's at his very best.  Sure enough, Tomko pounded away for a few minutes, but the fact that Orton was groggy and slow-moving meant the pace was just awfully methodical.  This went on for a few minutes, but then "instinct" kicked in (isn't it wonderful how the very excuse for how Eugene was an effective wrestler is now being applied to Randall?) and Orton made a mini-comeback. But he couldn't sustain it (again, I guess this could be dramatic if I gave two shits, but instead, it just renders Orton's already-mediocre matches even more boring), and Tomko was about to finish Orton off with a clothesline in the corner, but Orton dodged it and went into that pinning combination that he used to beat Shawn Michaels on a PPV way back when.

After the Match: Orton is once again a winner, and it's once again due to luck and instinct, and not due actual skill. And I can't help but think that WWE really wants us to believe in and sympathize with Orton, and also can't help but think they're barking up the wrong tree. A dumb guy who lucks into his wins? It worked for Eugene because he was likeable. It ain't gonna work for Orton, though. Anyway, Christian must share my general lack of fondness for Orton, because he didn't let Orton have even a moment to celebrate, instead taking the Dim-Witted One and delivering an Unprettier. Bah gawd, if Orton didn't have another concussion already, he's got one now! Hey, at least this means another week of not having to worry about Orton sticking his nose in the world title picture. He'll have a little mini-program with Christian to deal with, now... 

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During the Break: Orton couldn't leave the ring under his own power, and had to be carried out of the ring. JR really lays it on thick with an oversell of how courageous Orton is and how tough he is and how dastardly Christian is. Bleh. See all my previous comments about how this is merely another not-compelling chapter in the face run of Randall Orton. He may be the perfect man to play the role of the dim-witted, slow-and-boring-match-having wrestler. But that archetype, no matter how perfectly portrayed by the dim-witted and boring-match-having Orton, is simply not one that I think most fans are demanding to see more of.

Triple H vs. Edge (World Title Match)

They tried to duplicate the opening vibe from Benoit/Jericho, but it wasn't quite happening. I don't know if it was just that Japanese fans don't have to same kind of respect for these two, or if it was that the crispness of the back-and-forth mat wrestling wasn't quite the same. This went on for about 3 minutes, but then they ramped up the intensity. When Edge went for a Spear, HHH dodged, and Edge went into the ring post. HHH followed up by ramming Edge's shoulder into the ring post some more. With Edge crumpled on the floor, and HHH gloating in the ring, it seems as good a time as any for our final....

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We're back, and somehow Edge has regained control. [A "During the Break" package shows us that HHH Flair Flipped out of the ring, and then Edge followed up with a suplex on the floor to work on HHH's back.] Edge gets a few near falls here, with a facebuster and then a missile dropkick. HHH got a few hope spots (a spinebuster, an almost-Pedigree that Edge had to backdrop out of, even a brief sleeper hold), and was clearly being cast as the babyface here. But they also kept on playing up the injured back, and how HHH couldn't sustain the advantage. Edge eventually got to lock in his Sharpshooter-inspired submission that I will not call the "Edge-u-cator."  This worked on HHH legs, sure, but Edge was torqueing back on it, and doing more damage to HHH's back, too. HHH heroically battled through the pain to get to the ropes. He got a break. Edge, channeling more of his frustration, decided the next logical step would be to hit HHH with a Spear...  but HHH dodged it, and Edge wound up taking the referee out.

And so we enter End Game. With the ref out of commission, Edge actually did get a long near fall on HHH, but no ref there to count it. Ric Flair decided to get involved, and introduced a chair to the proceedings. Edge dispatched Flair, and got control of the chair. But before he could use it, HHH took Edge down. Both men saw the steel chair, and both men started crawling towards it.... and that's when Batista decided to saunter down to ringside. Edge and HHH both got one hand on the chair; but Batista got TWO hands on it, and yanked it away from both of them. HHH didn't seem happy, but Edge was downright pissed, and got out on the apron to yell at the retreating Batista. HHH saw his chance: he shoved Edge off the apron, and he crashed into Batista, taking the Big Man down (and giving him the impression that Edge had attacked him).

HHH corralled Edge, and got him back in the ring... he seemed in control for a minute or so, but then Edge made a big comeback. Still no ref, though... so as Edge decided to line-up HHH for the Spear, Batista had finally regained his senses, and he leapt into the ring to intercept Edge (note, they should have rotated the spot 90 degrees clockwise, and it would have looked a LOT better and less fake considering the direction from which Batista was coming). Edge got a spinebuster for his troubles. HHH was able to take advantage, and hit a Pedigree just as the ref came to. HHH is your winner, but it's only thanks to Batista.

Probably about a 12 minute match, and even at the end when things heated up, the crowd wasn't really into it (some of this could possibly just be the Japanese preference for clean, non-schmozzy finishes). It was OK, I guess, but nothing special (in fact, the whole second hour of RAW seemed flat by comparison to the first hour). But all of a sudden, just when you think RAW's gonna limp home, they hit an amazing Money Shot:

Triple H has his title belt, and Batista gets into the ring to raise Trips' hand... and as he raises the hand (and the title belt), Batista gets a glimpse of the gold that could be his. Batista's eyes linger on the belt just a little too long, though, and HHH catches him. HHH's face goes from satisfaction after a hardfought win to concern over what is to come. Both men look at the title belt for a second, but then: they lock eyes and look at each other, while the belt is nicely framed behind him. That's your final image this week, and a damned fine one it was.