Because while I can't deny that WWE pretty much hit a massively satisfying 

Neither is making me vomit in terror that you might actually be considering Trish vs. Spaz and/or Benoit/Jericho vs. Hassan/Daivari as WM-worthy matches.

But hey: with Batista, they nailed it. And how a show ends is always the most important thing to me. So you can either skip straight down to that last part, or you can let me hold your hand and guide you through the entire 2 hour show, starting.... RIGHT NOW!

Video Package: Batista won the Royal Rumble, and had a choice to make. Three weeks of wackiness and SD! invading has ensued. Tonight: he decides which title he'll fight for.

Opening theme/pyro/etc., and we're live on the campus of Penn State University. In addition to Batista's Decision, tonight we'll have the debut of Chris Masters, and a huge main event caliber tag match pitting Shawn Michaels and Randy Orton against the re-united duo of Edge and Christian. And before we get to that, we've got gold on the line in our opening match....

Trish Stratus vs. Molly Holly vs. Victoria (Women's Title Match)

Trish enters first, and is sporting an ugly black eye (said to have been suffered at Friday's house show); cue my latent Trish Sympathy Gene. Then Molly enters, and finally Vickishi, and it's Go Time. Trish actually decides to meander around ringside to start, letting the challengers beat each other up... but when Victoria finally lands an offensive move (the shimmy shake moonsault) and gets a near fall, Trish decided to hop in and break that up. Molly did what she's best at: she disappeared for about 90 seconds, while Trish and Victoria did a few spots (Trish mocked the shimmy-shake; Victoria countered the Matrix Move, but inexcusably actually took WAY to long to do so: it's ALREADY a pretty implausible move when it works, and on this night, Trish had to hold the pose EXTRA long before Victoria struck). FINALLY, somebody told Molly she was permitted back on TV, and she formed a very tenuous alliance with Trish to briefly get the better of Victoria. But as soon as Trish started gloating a bit too much, Molly took exception to that; Victoria and Molly sent Trish flying out of the ring, and commenced to do about 30 seconds of back-and-forth. When Molly missed on a Molly Go Round, Victoria immediately followed up with the Widow's Peak... but Trish yanked Victoria out of the ring to break the count, and then leveled her, and then hopped into the ring to steal the 3-count on Molly, the beneficiary of Victoria's handiwork.

Pretty good for a way-too-short 3-4 minute match, but afterwards, would you believe that it's JIM ROSS who said the dumbest fucking thing ever? Not Lawler...  instead, as Trish is smirking her way back up the ramp, JR says, "Trish may have retained the women's title here tonight, but she's not the one appearing in Playboy, and I think that's eating her up inside." The fuck? I don't even know if I have time to explain the many different ways that was the wrong thing to say. How about I leave it this way: there are ways to put over Christy's remarkable accomplishment of removing her clothes in front of a camera in the name of selling a few magazines (I'm fine with that), but can't we use at least ONE brain cell to come up with the way of doing that WITHOUT making the women's title (and the women who have taken the time to develop the skills necessary to contend for it) meaningless afterthoughts? Fine, hype Christy's pictorial, but don't make it seem like "appearing in Playboy" is 38 times more commendable an accomplishment than "retaining the women's title." Everybody will see Spaz's tits in a few weeks, and it'll be good, but then that'll be that... and once Spaz's nakedness has been forgotten, still the women's division will remain. So let's get our priorities straight. Man alive, I honestly can't believe that for once, it was LAWLER who was the voice of reason in a women's match when he pointed out that nobody in their right mind could suspect Trish of being jealous of anyone...

Backstage: Triple H and Ric Flair are talking about Batista's decision tonight, and how it's the start of something great, because once Batista does the Right Thing and goes to SD!, Evolution will run This Business.  Except, curiously (and as if we needed an Anvil at this point), Trips never said "Evolution," he always kept saying that *he and Flair* would run the business. HHH's confidence wavered slightly when he Flair told him that Batista wasn't at the building yet, and further, that Flair had been unable to reach him on the phone. But HHH masked any concern by just getting a little angry that Batista would dare to be late on such an important night...

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#4 in an On-Going Series: the Pulp Fiction/WM21 spoof.

Backstage: a PA tells Spaz and Super Bowl Commercial Girl that they're on in five minutes, and they commence to tittering about how great it'll be. But then up walks Trish Stratus who simply notes, "Well, what have we here? The commercial actress and the Playboy slut... oh, and me, the Women's Champion and greatest Diva on RAW." Spaz attempts to make a joke about Trish's black eye, failing to realize how dumb that is, since all it does is give Trish a chance to point out that, hey, when you're actually out there in the ring taking care of bidness, shit happens, no that Spaz would know anything about that. Trish notes that she "took down" the 2 top contenders to her title (ahem, ONLY two contenders) "just like that." Spaz, displaying the RAW creative teams Springer-esque grasp on smacktalk, made the predictable joke about who she believes actually goes down. Trish, chaste and criminally lonely since being abandoned in favor of The Lovely Miss Tomko, takes offense at the insinuation. For daring to laugh at the joke, the Boob Girl gets slapped in the face. And then Spaz gets a "And whatchya gonna do about it Christy?"... but Christy actually nuts up and tackles Trish before officials swarm to break it up. Oy, and all of a sudden, I realize I was wrong last week: WWE actually *does* think that Spaz vs. Trish is gonna be WM-worthy. Christ, what a kick in the balls.  On the upside, I think I speak for everybody when I say: whatever Spaz and Boob Girl were supposed to be wasting our time with in "five minutes," I'm sure glad that we never found out what it was...

Elsewhere Backstage: Randy Orton and Stacy Keibler are walking and talking as they approach a camera... but that's when Shawn Michaels pops into frame, hoping he's not interrupting anything (he's assured he's not, and Stacy leaves the men to their important business). He just wants to make sure he and Orton are set for their tag match tonight. Orton says sure, they'll be fine tonight, but wants to ask Shawn about WrestleMania... which sets Shawn off on a spiel about how you don't ask about WrestleMania, you don't wait for WrestleMania to come to you... when it comes to WrestleMania, you have to TAKE the opportunity. Shawn talks about nobody believing in him when he took a ladder to the ring 10 years ago (nice touch: an orange ladder, same as at WM10, is framed in the background) and MADE people believe in the Showstopper. Shawn suddenly pauses and announces, "You know, sometimes an old man like me needs to listen to his own advice." Shawn says he's just inspired himself, and there's something he needs to do... and when he leaves, Orton just gets this dim little grin on his face, to assure the home viewers that, at best, he comprehended about 15% of what Shawn just said. A great segment for Shawn, who as a veteran has the gravitas to deliver such promos, and the charisma to deliver them well. Orton seemed to just be there as a prop, and as such, excelled in his role.

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Chris Jericho vs. Simon Dean

Simon prefaced the match with his usual uninspired tripe, this time personalized for Penn State with the cheapest of cheap insults hurled at Joe Paterno. Mercifully, Jericho's music interrupted, and we moved on to the wrestling match portion of this segment. And as a match? Ever so pointless... it was MAYBE 3 minutes (even shorter than the women's match), and consisted of Jericho doing some of his usual high energy offense, then getting caught by Simon's knees on an attempted LionSault, having to endure a grand total of 30 seconds of a beating before coming back and getting Simon to tap out to the Walls of Jericho. Certainly not all that good as a wrestling match, not entertaining as a character showcase, and worst of all: absolutely pointless in terms of making me think that there's anything worthwhile coming on the WM21 horizon for Jericho. Why this segment even existed baffles me...

Backstage: Eric Bischoff and Teddy Long are bickering in the GM office... both guys were confident that they'd sign Batista, yadda, yadda, yadda. But they were also just marking time until Shawn Michaels stormed in with a purpose: he wanted to talk to Teddy Long and have him deliver a message to SD! on Thursday... he wants Teddy to tell Kurt Angle that Shawn Michaels wants him in a one-on-one match at WrestleMania 21. Teddy promises to deliver that message, playa...

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Kane vs. Tyson Tomko

Jesus: on the heels of Jericho/Dean, now this? It's almost the EXACT same thing, right down to Tomko getting a minute or so of mic time to try to trick fans into thinking there's a reason for this match to exist. Note: he fails. And then the match? It's ANOTHER step down in terms of quality: EVEN SHORTER than Jericho/Dean, and much slower and more annoying, to boot. Tomko actually managed to control the opening minute or so, but Kane made the comeback, hit most of his moves, and then ducked an attempted Big Boot of Suck by Tomko to snatch a chokeslam at get the pinfall win. Less than 3 minutes, I bet, and another utterly momentum-sapping segment that not only TOTALLY failed to entertain in and of itself, but which also continues to worry me as it regards WWE's fore-planning for WM21.

In the Parking Lot: a black limo arrives, and Ric Flair goes into an apoplectic seizure, announcing that "Batista is here." Of course, once Flair opens the door, it's not Batista at all: rather, it's Chris Masters, who the crowd can't even be bothered to boo. [I hate to say I told you so, but...] Anyway, Masters musters up his very best Daniel Puder Caliber acting as he uses a stilted caricature of "smug" to deliver the line, "Hey, Ric, you oughta watch my match tonight. You might learn something." And instead of getting irate, Flair just stands quietly and takes it... why do I suspect that we've just found the guy WWE will try to shoehorn into Evolution now that Batista's on his own? And why does that prospect make me ill?

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Making The Rick Vomit In Terror A Second Time In the Same Night Over WM21 Prospects

Mohammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari are out for some Hot Promo Action. To change things up, Daivari actually STARTS the promo with some Farsi ranting, apparently an introduction of sorts before handing the mic over to Hassan. And once he takes over, Hassan is at his Vince McMahon best: taking about 5 minutes to make a point that could have been made in 2.

Basically, uses President's Day as a springboard to putting himself over. Because President's Day is the US's celebration of its "great men" from the past, but right in front of them is a truly great man who they don't respect. Hassan says that when Batista goes to SD!, RAW will need a World Title contender, and that man SHOULD be him, since he is undefeated, and if he doesn't get the title shot, then it'll only be because he's being discriminated against. Hassan rambles on about facing HHH at WM, and I begin rifling through my mind for who's gonna come out and shut him up. Since Jericho's out (he already worked), I figured it might be Shelton, whose "Open Contract" gimmick would be a nice fit for giving Hassan a more realistic title to fight for at Mania... but GODDAMMIT, no:

It's Chris Benoit, instead. This has no good possible outcomes.

Hassan preempts Benoit, saying, "Whoa, whoa whoa. Let me guess? You're out here to say *you* deserve the title shot against HHH." And although that *would* have been one of the few compelling things Benoit could have said (perhaps even noting that he's the only man on RAW HHH has never beaten!) to remind people that he's not the mid-card space-filler that RAW treats him as, he passes. Instead, Benoit proclaims that he's here to shut Hassan up. YAY~! Cheap pop~! Benoit says that Hassan needs to put up or shut up, and that Benoit's gonna give him that chance by challenging him to a match.

Hassan acts like that's cool with him, but then drops the other shoe, "Just not tonight, because I'm not ready for a match tonight." But Benoit *is* ready, and so he comes at Hassan, full speed ahead. The two throw fists, and Benoit gets the better of it for all of 7.3 nanoseconds before Daivari attacks from behind, and the two 
Ay-holes gain the advantage. With Daivari's help, Hassan hits his Flatliner finisher, and then for shits and giggles locks in the Camel Clutch while Daivari gets in Benoit's face and talks smack. When Hassan and Daivari leave, Benoit sells it like he's been shot.

You know what I don't like: that Benoit got about 10 seconds of the fi-yah before getting the shit kicked out of him like a chump. You know what else I REALLY don't like: last night after RAW, I was doing a bit of debriefing (which, sadly, is not as sexy as it sounds), and made what I thought was an off-hand joke about how I bet all this crap with Hassan and Jericho and now Benoit is setting up a Jericho/Benoit vs. Hassan/Daivari match at WM21... of course, what started as a joke ended with me vomiting in terror at how all the pieces actually do fit together and the prospects of possibly stumbling across the creative team's master plan. First Trish vs. Spaz, and now THIS? Not only are these WM pairing that will enthrall absolutely NO ONE in the general audience, but Trish, Benoit, and Jericho are three of my 5 or 6 favorite reasons to watch RAW, and WWE just might be coming up with ways to render them absolutely uninteresting TO ME on the biggest show of the year... so far tonight: either we're showing absolutely NO foresight towards WM21, or when we do, it's foresight that terrifies me.

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Shawn Michaels/Randy Orton vs. Edge/Christian

Minor gripe: the reunion of Edge and Christian got absolutely NO build up at any point during the show or during the match. A chance to make this seem like a little bit bigger deal than it real is, and WWE whiffed on it completely. One of the most successful tag teams of all times is together again for only the second time in over 3 years, and that doesn't get anything?

Orton starts the match with Christian, but immediately fails to rebottle last week's magic by hitting his Douchebag Pose about 30 seconds into the match (instantly generating a chorus of boos for the ostensibly babyface; humorously, Orton also had a new t-shirt tonight, and in another example of WWE's Raging Missing-the-Pointery, it features a silhouette of Orton's Douchebag Pose; unless WWE really is in the process of re-turning Orton heel, some of their decisions, and much of Orton's performances, are really counter-productive). Then Michaels tags in and gets a solid 2 or 3 minutes of offense on Christian (JR sends a shout-out to Ted DiBiase when Michaels hits a "Million Dollar Kneelift") before Edge tags into the match and the momentum of the match shifts a bit. Edge and Shawn go back and forth pretty evenly for a bit, but then Edge takes control for good. He and Christian actually hit a series of quick tags (again: if they'd made a bigger deal out of Edge and Christian's past, their effective teamwork would have been a bigger part of the story of the match). Their teamwork actually led to Christian whipping Michaels into the ropes, and Edge pulled the top rope down to low-bridge HBK. Shawn tumbled to the floor, and while Christian kept the ref occupied, Edge actually bodyblocked Shawn from the ring apron. Shawn's down, E&C are celebrating, and Orton's now the one distracting the ref by acting indignant over the double-team, so it's a perfect time for some....

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Back, and Edge has become the legal man, and is working some resthold that I forget on Shawn...  but if we're back from ads, that means we can stop marking time: Shawn fires up out of that hold (a bearhug, maybe?), and after a few teases, actually does make the hot tag to Randall Orton. But it's about the least effective Hot Tag in the history of Hot Tags. Despite having only worked about 90 seconds at the start of the match, Orton comes in, hits about 60 seconds of offense (including that "clubbing blows across the chest" spot from last week, except that this time, Orton loses track and instead of giving the fans a nice even 20 to count along with, I think he did like 23), and then is apparently out of tricks. Edge takes over on Orton, and less than 3 minutes after he'd been hot tagged into the match himself, Orton needs to make another Hot Tag to Michaels... which he does.  Michaels comes in and shows Young Randall how the House Afire routine is done: he hits all his patented high energy spots (the flying burrito/nip-up, the Macho Man Elbow, etc.).

When Shawn threaten to lose the advantage because of the numbers game, Orton reappears and joins the fray... somehow in here, the ref is bumped, and it's Anarchy Time. Edge managed to Spear Orton, but Shawn was setting up to superkick Christian... instead, Edge yanked his foot out from under him and crotched him on the steel ringpost. Christian recovered, and joined Edge at ringside to continue working over Michaels... and then the erstwhile brothers decided to play their own Nostalgia Card, even if the announcers weren't doing anything to help on that front. E&C grabbed steel chairs and set Michaels up for the classic 
Con-Chair-To... but Michaels ducked, Orton recovered enough to immediately tackle Edge out over the top rope, and when Christian dropped his chair and turned around, he walked right into the Sweet Chin Music. Ref magically came to just in time to see this and count to three. Michaels pins Christian to win the match, which means PRAISE JESUS, we play "Sexy Boy" instead of "Theme From Dumb Guy"! For once, Orton has to slink away from the ring as the bitch of a tag team while the other guy soaks up the cheers!

Seemed quite lengthy, maybe as much as 18 minutes, and was pretty good stuff in the second half. And for all my sniping, surrounding Orton with 3 guys this good at what they do, and having him associate with Michaels is probably as good a way to mask his unlikeability and get the most out of him as a babyface, so that's good, too. After the match, there were some lingering Reaction Shots of Edge and Christian that were just dead-on and perfect, just little things that aren't huge, but which I appreciate (Edge was even pulling his hair out again, a la the Royal Rumble match).

Backstage: Bischoff and Teddy are chilling and arguing, when in walks Coach with Big News...  Batista's arrivening is imminent! Bischoff thinks that's good news. Teddy thinks that's good news. Oh, fate, you bitch, must you toy with the emotions of these two loyal servants of Vince McMahon? For truly one of them will have his heart broken tonight....

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Backstage: Shawn is walking, and Maria the Mic Stand attempts to get his thoughts on his big win, but can barely spit out the words before Edge attacks from behind. Hilariously, there is then a 3 second delay, and THEN Maria (engaging intellect and convincing performer that she is) began screaming in terror. Way to be in the moment, honey. Edge pummeled away for a few moments, and then Speared Michaels into a conveniently located pile of boxes. As Shawn gasped and clutched at his ribs, Edge talked some trash, and JR made sure we all knew that Edge's action are the most heinous we've ever seen in the history of professional wrestling. 

Chris Masters vs. Steven Richards

Richards is already in the ring. And then: the Unveiling. Good lord, it's the same bland, uninvigorating music that played behind the "masterpiece" vignettes, except that now, Masters stands on the stage, and in perfect sync with the music, hits fey bodybuilder poses as the chime sounds in the background. Wheeeee! And just like that, more thought and effort went into choreographing Masters' ring entrance than went into preparing him to actually succeed as a pro wrestler.

Remember those other two matches I crapped on earlier? Well, this one was SHORTER STILL, and even then was so thrilling that the live fans were motivated to try to fire up a "boring" chant. I'll spare you the re-cycle of my maturity rant, but will point out that JR confirmed what I'd mentioned: that Masters is 22-years-old. You know what's funny about that? He has basically the hairline that motivated me just shave it all off a couple years ago at the still-too-young age of 27. In my case, the culprit was genetics... but why do I have a sneaking suspicion that if I wanted to make a joke about what Jose Canseco may or may not have injected into Masters' butt, I might be on to something in his case?

I tangentialize why? Because this match is just soul-crushing in the extreme. Richards gets nothing. It's just Masters boring and not exactly smooth power offense for 2 minutes. How not-exactly-smooth: somehow, Masters managed to accidentally bloody Richards' nose. And his finisher? A full nelson. I shit you not. WWE really must want to turn the clock back to 1985. What's next? The abdominal stretch? Christ, I realize they want to reign in the in-ring action a bit to prevent injuries and extend careers, and to some degree, I'm fine with that: but that's still no excuse for outright ignorance of the fundamental ways the business has moved on in the last 20 years. Some things are cyclical, but others just ain't coming back again. Shitty gimmicks like Simon Dean and using a full nelson as a finisher are two of them.

Though only limited fault of his own, Chris Masters debut rates a D-minus at best. He's just not got the skill set yet to pull this off, and WWE saddled him with a boring, uncompelling gimmick to boot. The one good thing I noticed about Masters: apparently DOES have the ability to walk and chew gum at the same time. Which is more than we can say for Mic Stand Maria, I suspect. But also: the second Masters busts out the Mr. Perfect Gum Swat, I will declare a jihad.

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Shelton Benjamin vs. Gene Snitsky (IC Title Match)

The story here was that Shelton was pissed off and fired up after getting a chair cracked across his skull last week on RAW... so he came out and took the fight to Snitsky.  They announcers reminded us that Shelton grew up in a rough neighborhood, and that for as nice a guy as he is, he's got a dark side if you cross him. Which is a nice story, but the fans were just sitting on their hands here.  I have three theories as to why:

(1) Crap like Simon/Jericho, Kane/Tomko, and Master's underwhelming debut had just taken them out of the show
(2) Snitsky is from the area, and thus had some level of support, so fans didn't get 100% behind Shelton
(3) Fans just didn't care about anything but Batista, and as the clock hit 10:50 (eastern), this match is *not* what they were interested in seeing.

Regardless of which theory is correct, this was flat as hell. Snitsky managed to take control at the 2 minute mark, and for reasons unexplained (he didn't even have time to "get frustrated" like the week before) he just grabbed a steel chair and was gonna use it. Shelton countered that by hitting a baseball slide into the chair. Shelton went out and tossed Snitsky back into the ring, and then he spied the chair: rather than play nice, Shelton picked up the chair and PLASTERED Snitsky in the head with it. Instant DQ, but the fans DID perk up at this show of intensity from Benjamin, so at least that's something. Possible value of the finish aside, this was another less-than-3-minute pile of nothing. Except that apparently, it'll lead to yet another showdown between these two, which is not exactly the most heartening of news.

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#3 in an On-Going Series: the Basic Instinct/WM21 spoof.

WWE is Just Damned Lucky It Doesn't Matter Theatre

Backstage in Evolution's locker room, Flair is leaving another voice mail for Batista, telling him the big decision is just moments away, so he hopes that the Big Man shows up soon... but in storms HHH, ramping up the righteous anger from earlier. HHH says "How dare Batista be two hours late tonight?" and Flair backs him up by saying, "That's right, you've done so much to put Batista in the position to make a huge impact on SmackDown!"... Triple H responds to that with a rather ominous, "You don't know the half of what I've done, Ric." And with all due respects to The Broad, I'm gonna steal the Anvil thing a second time here today, because they started falling from the sky...

Because instead of ending the skit there and trusting the fans to be half-perceptive, HHH rambles on, revealing that *he* was the one who orchestrated the video interruptions and limo attack. Flair is indignant at first, but HHH explains he just did it for Dave's own good, because he's not always the brightest guy, and needed the inspiration to jump over to SD!, so that HHH and Flair can run the entire wrestling business. Flair suddenly sees the genius of this plan, and starts jumping around like a monkey, congratulating HHH on an ingenious scheme. Hunter calmed him down, though, by noting that if Batista doesn't show up tonight to jump to SD! and do "what's right for Evolution," none of that will matter. Then, as if the anvils weren't enough, Flair and HHH starting lowering their voices to stage whispers, and the camera (which had just been an impartial observer for all this) sudden starts backing up...  and way to be Idiot Hollywood Writers, you just knocked another 40 IQ points off this skit!

Because if you didn't know what was gonna happen as soon as the pan-back started, you're a fucking idiot.  Sure enough, the camera gets back far enough to show us Batista lurking in the doorway, listening in to this entire conversation. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WWE~!  You need to thank your lucky stars that you're about twice as lucky as you are retarded, here... because fortunately, the fans were the ones who demanded Batista's face turn and they want it so badly that nothing you can do could actually fuck it up too badly. Not that you didn't try here: after insulting the fans' intelligence by dropping the anvils, you also take Batista from a smart, rational, Logical Monster and turn him into nothing more than a filthy eavedropper. And you do it in one of these frustratingly awful, eyeball-rolling-inducing Hollywood-ized skits where it's impossible to suspend disbelief... the genius of this angle has been that you can tell HHH is pulling the strings for his own benefit without him ever being dumb enough to come right out and say it, while Batista is smart enough to kind of know what's going on and protect himself without sneaking around like some ham-handed secret agent. You knew where everybody stood without it being spelled out for you: in one fell swoop, it sure seemed like WWE made Batista dumb, and treated US like we're even dumber.

I'm sure there are more retarded ways to have done the "reveal" of HHH's manipulation, but I'm having a hard time thinking of them right now. But like I said: it doesn't matter so much, because as bad as this was, fans still want so badly to see that MOMENT when Batista goes solo that WWE just couldn't fuck it up even if they'd wanted to. Lucky bastards. Won't stop me from registering the misstep, and again wishing WWE would just hire me to be the Stupid Patrol, though... it wouldn't have been hard at all to doctor things into tolerability here. But of course, in WWE Think, I'm sure there was absolutely nothing wrong with handling things this way, even if it hamstrings characters and creates logic holes gigantic enough you could actually squeeze a ball of Orton's raging douchbaggery through them.

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The Night of Retribution?: WWE has decided to give next week's RAW a cute little nickname, which just goes to show that maybe there are other things they need to be concentrating on before devising nicknames for RAW...  two huge matches have been signed: first, it'll be Shawn Michaels vs. Edge in a streetfight (which should be damned good, admittedly), and Benoit vs. Hassan (which again seems to have no good possible outcomes, since Benoit winning clean is probably not an option).

The Decisionizing of Dave Batista

A 6-foot banquet table has been conveniently placed in the ring for tonight's Contract Signing. Again: it might be an anvil, but it also doesn't matter, because I want to see that obvious outcome as much as you all.

GM's Bischoff and Long hit the ring, and since it's his show, Bischoff handled MC duties, and set the stage for the decision we were about to see made. Fans cheer nominally when Bischoff says Batista might choose to stay on RAW to face HHH at WM21, and boo nominally when Bischoff sets forth the SD! alternative; again, I can't help but note that WWE probably sapped a little bit of heat from this segment by basically showing us in the previous segment that Batista WILL stay on RAW, instead of letting the fans LUST for that outcome, and have the nagging fear in the backs of their minds that it might not happen. Bischoff eventually gets around to introducing Batista....

The Big Man enters, and is flanked by Trips and Flair. He is showing no signs of animosity towards HHH. Before the decision is made, both Bischoff and Long take a few moments to make final pitches to Batista.

Bischoff's spiel is basically: RAW is the flagship of WWE, RAW can offer him stability because of the leadership Bischoff will offer since his job isn't in jeopardy (listen to the fans not give a shit about the reference of a SD! storyline!), and most of all, if Batista stays on RAW, he gets a one-on-one title shot at WM, not some three-way mess, and he gets that title shot at the man who even Ric Flair has conceded is one of the greatest of all times. 

Long's counter-point is: Batista must have felt the electricity at No Way Out, and that kind of electricity can be his every night, we saw what he do to JBL and his cabinet and we all felt "the magic" when he stared down John Cena (again, either because they just don't care about SD! or because they already know how this is gonna end, there is NO response for Cena's name) in what could be the start of a new rivalry that would exceed even The Rock vs. Steve Austin (OK, now Teddy's just pulling stuff out of his ass, cuz that's insane hyperbole). Teddy also runs down a list of other superstars Batista might face, and all of them (except for a pretty lusty set of boos for Kurt Angle) get NO response.  But Batista is still obligated to act like he's taking it under advisement.

As Batista looks at the two clipboards in front of him, Triple H decides to chime in. HHH says that this should be an easy decision: because Batista doesn't even have to worry about what's best for RAW or best for SD!... he only has to worry about what's best for Batista. Because HHH knows that what's best for Batista is best for Evolution. HHH paints a word picture in which HHH and Batista celebrate in the ring at WM21, the World and WWE champs, respectively. And then, he must have taken a few puffs of whatever Teddy Long was smoking, because HHH just goes overboard with a riff about "What if, in 1986, when Ric Flair was the NWA Champion, if Arn Anderson had come here and became the WWE Champion? The Four Horsemen would have owned this business. But it never happened... What if, in 1997 when Shawn Michaels was the WWE Champion, if I had gone and won the WCW Title? DX would have owned this business. But it never happened...."  And although HHH was trying to be profound and dramatic, the crowd's not buying it, cuz there's not one wrestling fan out there who believes that "RAW vs. SmackDown!" is even remotely the same thing as two actual promotions being at war. This was an absolutely ricockulous spiel, if you ask me: another insult of the fans' intelligence, and an insult to Batista's if we're to buy that he'd drink this Kool-Aid.

HHH finishes up by saying that those great things that never happened in the past, they can happen now, if Batista just does the right thing. He closes by again saying, "It's really not a tough decision."  Batista grabs a mic, again eyeballs both contracts, and announces with a knowing smile, "I've known what I was gonna do for a long time." HHH and Flair smile back. Batista actually throws down the RAW contract. HHH and Flair can barely repress their glee, while Eric Bischoff sounds like he's pounding on the table and pitching a fit.

Batista looks up to Flair and HHH, and actually gives 'em a Thumbs Up. But when HHH and Flair return the gesture, Batista just starts shaking his head, and turns it into a Thumbs Down. Crowd goes nuts, and HHH mouths the word "motherfucker" before charging at Batista. Trips eats a clothesline for his troubles. Flair tries to attack, but gets easily tossed out over the top rope. Batista tears off his shirt, and continues the attack on HHH, culminating in... oh, sweet, sweet release... a power bomb through the table!

Batista grabs the RAW contract, signs it, and then throws it down onto HHH's carcass before grabbing a mic and announcing, "Hunter, I'm staying right here on RAW. And at WrestleMania, I'm taking the World Heavyweight Title. From YOU!" Huge pop for that, and a nice little touch that might go over some heads, but clearly indicates that part of the reason why Batista stuck with HHH for so long is because he wanted to help protect the World Title so that when the time came, Batista could relieve HHH of it his own self. Or maybe I'm reading too much into that. But it's still pretty cool....

Batista closes out the show by picking up the World Title belt, and looking at it longingly, as Jim Ross puts over tonight as the night that Evolution's Animal was uncaged. I'll say this: every single thing I said about the bumpy backstage vignette and promo stands... they were about the dumbest possible way to get to the outcome. But when it comes to MOMENTS, this was a very cool one, so cool that nothing WWE did was gonna screw it up. Everything from "I've known what I was gonna do for a long time" was dead-on perfect, and the result was an easy fist-pumping/get-up-and-cheer kind of moment. A HUGELY satisfying finish to a RAW that failed to satisfy in almost every single preceding segment....