will ever win because America hates me, and they also hate singers that sound like men rather than former members of the Mickey Mouse Club. And quit looking at me like that, because you're a secret fan of the show and you damn well know it.

Now, onto more manly television shows... RAW pretty much sucked last week, so here's hoping they get back on track and don't pull a John Cena with Batista's face turn. And for God's sake, would it kill them to do something with Benoit and Jericho?

Video Package: Montage detailing the sloppily-handled Batista face turn of last week. I don't know if my tape is screwing up, but there's no dialogue in it, just background music. And that's nice, because I really didn't want to hear Triple H detail his master plan in the manner of all James Bond villains yet again. It does culminate in that badass powerbomb through the table, though.

Cold Open: Triple H is Scared Shitless Theatre

Triple H walks out in his wrestling gear, wearing his belt and rocking the Lemmy facial hair like there's no tomorrow. He doesn't look happy, but it might just be due to a lack of fiber in his diet. Props to the cameraman who zoomed in on the "Triple H" nameplate on the belt - nice touch. He picks up a mic and asks the crowd if anyone thinks he's scared of Batista, to big cheers. Lots of Batista signs in the crowd tonight, too. Trips guesses that the crowd thinks Batista will be victorious at WrestleMania, but he reminds everyone that he is The Game and he is That Damn Good, and it's not just a catchphrase, it's a form of denial.

He starts pimping himself out, calling himself the greatest of all time, and says that Batista is just a child who sat under the "Learning Tree" for two years. And Triple H is his father (yes, he actually says that.) He continues the metaphor: "Now the boy thinks he has what it takes to be the man." Ooookay. He goes off on some riff about how fathers kick the asses of their insolent sons in order to beat some sense into them. Stephanie, if you're reading this: RUN. He wraps things up with, "Batista, you've been doing good... you're on a roll... you've been doin' real good. But Batista: at WrestleMania, I am going to teach the difference between doing good and being good." There isn't a [sic] large enough to go along with that quote.

For some reason, the Hurricane decides to interrupt and run to the ring. Oh, they have a match? Poor Helms. Trips knocks him out of the ring and tosses him into the ring steps a few times and generally beats him up without ever starting the match. He finishes up with a Pedigree on the ramp. Just when you think Hurricane can't be buried any further, WWE tosses him a shovel. Trips grabs the mic one more time, yelling at Batista: "Your lesson starts tonight! You walk through that door, your ass is mine! You step foot in this arena, I am gonna beat you within an inch of your life! You know why? Because I'm That... Damn... Good." Good start to the show, as Trips left his usual windbaggery at home this time around and gave a relatively short but intense promo, even if his chosen metaphors bordered on the creepy side.

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Last Week: Benoit tried to shut Hassan and Daivari up, but got double-teamed for his efforts.

Chris Benoit v. Muhammad Hassan

I'm recapping this as I watch my tape for the first time, so I'm praying to Allah that this doesn't suck. Just in case, I've just fixed myself a drink. It's somewhat heartening to hear Benoit still getting the big crowd reactions despite his recent lack of meaningful airtime. Quick note: when Hassan is stalling before getting into the ring, look at the row behind him, to the right. That's where I'll be on March 14. Front row again, baby!

Big "USA!" chants to start. Lockup, and Benoit pounds away in the corner. Hassan screws up an Irish whip reversal, but Benoit covers by suplexing Hassan out of his boots. Punchy-kicky-choppy for a minute, ending with a backdrop suplex on Hassan. Daivari yaps away at ringside.

Hassan gets a reverse elbow, but Benoit fights back and goes for the Crossface. He lets go long enough to go after Daivari, who's jumped onto the apron. He chases him around the ring, only to run into a clothesline on the floor by Hassan. Shouldn't Benoit be smarter than that? He gets rammed into the apron and tossed back in, where Hassan stomps away and gets a suplex for two. Hassan goes for a chinlock and tries some choking. Benoit chops his way out of it, but takes that Bret Hart sternum-first turnbuckle bump. Backbreaker gets two for Hassan. Snapmare and body scissors, but Benoit punches his way out of it. Rollup gets two for Benoit, followed by a backslide for two. Suplex attempt by Hassan is reversed by Benoit, but he gets kicked out of a Sharpshooter attempt. He goes to the Germans instead, fighting for a hat trick, and the ref is accidentally bumped. Daivari hands Hassan the ringbell, and he manages to HOLD ON to it while being suplexed again.

He somehow manages to hide this from Benoit, who goes for the headbutt and connects with the ringbell instead. Well, in theory. In practice, it looked like shit, and the very idea that Benoit wouldn't notice Hassan holding onto the ringbell is pretty fucking stupid anyway. The ref awakens long enough to count, but Hassan doesn't even get a two-count. Thank GOD the match didn't end like that. Benoit chops away and goes for a German suplex, but Hassan counters with a low blow and... is disqualified? The hell?

I suspect that the ringbell shot was supposed to be the finish and Hassan would get the cheap pin, but Hassan didn't get it into position, and someone in Chioda's earpiece told him that it looked like shit and decided to end it with a DQ instead - Hassan didn't even get a two-count after the alleged ringbell shot. The fact that the sound guy didn't have Benoit's music ready is pretty telling as well. What a mess. Allah has failed me.

Winner: (by DQ) Chris Benoit

Last Week: Edge attacked Shawn Michaels backstage and beat the crap out of him while Maria showed an inability to even scream on cue.

Later Tonight: Edge v. Shawn Michaels in a street fight. I'm there, dude. Also, Batista will be in the house.

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We're back, with Lawler and J.R. introducing a video package of this year's Hall of Fame inductees: Paul Orndorff, The Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, Cowboy Bob Orton, Jimmy Hart, Roddy Piper, and... Hulk Hogan! Good god, I can't stand him anymore.

Backstage: Batista has arrived, looking like a million bucks in a sharp suit and sunglasses. Coach catches him and repeats Triple H's comments from earlier. Batista's reaction is hilarious: he does a quick, faux-scared double-take to look for Trips, and is all, "Ooooh, was he angry when he said it?" He tells Coach that when he sees Triple H, he'll thank him for "Unleashing the Animal." So far, so good.

Elsewhere backstage: Trips watches this on a monitor, and Flair interrupts, wanting to go with Trips to beat the hell out of Batista. Trips apparently has a better idea.

All right, I have to take issue with this last segment. I'm usually very lenient when it comes to the rules of cameras backstage, and typically ignore the oh-so-obvious "Don't the wrestlers watch the show themselves?" question. It keeps my head from exploding whenever I watch wrestling. I always viewed cameras in wrestling the same way I would cameras on any reality show: the participants just ignore them and accept their presence, and go about their business as usual. But Triple H actually watching the show while the show is still on completely destroys whatever illusion of a "fourth wall" that wrestling has left. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And even worse: Flair interrupted Triple H watching this to tell him that Batista had arrived! The television set was completely unnecessary. Gah. I need another drink.

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Video Package: Christy talks about posing for Playboy. Slut.

Shelton Benjamin v. Gene Snitsky (IC Title, Zero-tolerance rules: Shelton can lose on a DQ)

Those guys along the ramp who are dancing goofily to Shelton's music are awesome, and should be there for every live show. We get a quick recap of Shelton's badass chairshot from last week, and the announcers explain the zero-tolerance rules for Shelton this week. Considering that they're not even announced to the crowd, I don't think Benjamin will be losing the match that way.

Snitsky overpowers Shelton to start, and gets a really ugly-looking botched slam for two. Man, that looked like shit. 45 seconds in, and Snitsky goes for a resthold. Shelton fights out, but gets powerslammed for his troubles. Pumphandle slam is reversed by Shelton into a reverse DDT. A big boot sends Shelton outside. He eats the railing and gets tossed back in. Snitsky grabs a chair but whiffs, an Shelton knocks it out of his hands (it comes dangerously close to going flying in the front row, too.) Tornado DDT, Stinger Splash, and a t-bone suplex wrap things up for Benjamin. This match was... well, it was there. It looked like a bunch of moves strung together, with a few blown spots by Snitsky to spice things up.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin

SmackDown! Rebound: JBL celebrated his big win, at least until Big Show came out and killed everyone. The Cabinet then almost kill Big Show, and John Cena ruins it all. He hit JBL with a picture? Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

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Big Announcement: At WrestleMania, Piper's Pit will return, with special guest Stone Cold Steve Austin! I can handle that.

Chris Masters v. Some Random Jobber

Worst. Entrance. Ever. And the best part? You can hear crickets chirping when this guy is walking down to the ring. The fans don't even care enough to give him X-Pac heat. His opponent appears to weigh less than I do. Is a play-by-play even necessary? It's a short, stupid, heatless squash, and Masters looks beyond green. One minute and a full nelson later, and Masters wins.

Wow, that sucked. At least he didn't kill anybody.

Winner: Chris Masters

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Video Package: Same one that opened the show.

Triple H: the Hokey Pokey for Beginners

J.R., standing the middle of the ring and ready for an interview, announces Batista. Batista, being very wise, does the exact same ring entrance he did when he was over as a "heel." No pandering. Nice.

J.R.'s first question: "Why?" It was very simple for Batista: RAW has always been about one man - Triple H. When Randy Orton won the title, it was still all about Triple H. When Batista won the 2005 Rumble, it was all about Triple H. And quite frankly, Batista had had enough of that shit. "Last week, The Game got played." BURN.

J.R. doesn't disagree, but then brings up Triple H's threats, and asks if Batista has any second thoughts. "Do I LOOK like I have any second thoughts?" Batista ain't going anywhere, and the only person he wants to face for the World Title is Trips. A "Batista!" chant erupts. Heh. He's not used to being able to acknowledge the fan support like this. It's kind of cool to see him hiding a smile that you just know he wants to bust out. He gives Trips his due props, but... "Fact is, I'm bigger, I'm better, and I'm smarter, baby." And doggone it, people like him! Long story short: Batista the Wise will become Batista The Man at WrestleMania. One thing I don't get: no mention of how he'd been waiting a long time to pull the trigger on this, or how he'd been onto Triple H's scheme for a long time? Pretty dumb.

Just then, he's interrupted by Flair and Triple H. Trips whispers something to Flair, and they both surround the ring. Batista's ready, jacket off and shirt unbuttoned. They both close in, and Batista drops Flair, turning to Trips... who stops dead in his tracks. He very, very slowly backs out of the ring, allowing Batista to spinebuster Naitch. Trips goes for the save, but again backs out. Batista just grins, and does the thumbs-down gesture, setting Flair up for the powerbomb. Trips does nothing, and Flair is now roadkill. Yet again, Trips starts to get in the ring but can't bring himself to do it. Pussy. It's pretty hilarious, actually: left foot in, left foot out... you get the idea. Sadly, the Hokey Pokey song does NOT cue up as Trips leaves Flair, and we get Batista's music instead.

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Wrestlemania Recall: Mighty Molly makes good use of a frying pan, winning the hardcore title from Hurricane, only to lose it to Christian a few minutes later after walking into a door. Ouch.

Backstage: Trips is huffing and puffing at Bischoff in his office. "Nobody does that to Ric Flair!" Well, except Batista. Trips says that Batista is going to get his ass kicked next week, when he fights... Ric Flair, with Trips in his corner. I'll say it again: Pussy.

Chris Jericho v. Maven

Uh... what purpose does this have? If the answer is, "Jericho needs TV time," then this is not the way to go about doing it. Maven has decided to forego the pink tights this time (smart man), and instead is sporting some spiffy yellow tights. Jericho starts out aggressively, pounding away, stomping and chopping in the corner. Maven fights back, but is clotheslined for his troubles. Suplex onto the ropes, followed by a springboard dropkick, which is a really cool way to set up what could have become a very predictable spot. Maven blocks a bulldog and gets snake eyes, stomping away and rubbing Y2J's face into the mat. He chokes away, and you know what? I'm getting really sick of doing a blow-by-blow recap of a match that means absolutely nothing. So screw it: they fight back and forth for another minute, and Jericho fairly easily gets the Walls for the submission.

Winner: Chris Jericho

Post-match: Jericho grabs a mic and starts talking, and I finally perk up a bit. He's getting excited about WrestleMania and how huge it's going to be: JBL/Cena, Angle/HBK, Batista/Triple H, Stone Cold, Hogan, and the like. Jericho wants to make an impact as well, and he has an idea: "A match that involves Y2J, five other elite WWE superstars, a chance of a lifetime, and most importantly, one very big solid steel ladder." He grins evilly with a gleam in his eyes, and goddamn if I'm not interested in whatever he has planned. Sure, it's as sloppy of a setup for a match as you'll find, but I don't think the build-up is the point here. Ladders and blood, baby!

Backstage: Christy Hemme is bouncing along, and she'll be up next to reveal her Playboy cover. And I never noticed this before, but sweet Jesus, she's got the highest forehead I've ever seen on a woman who's not balding. It's distracting and a little scary.

[Ads, including a new WM promo, spoofing "A Few Good Men" featuring Cena and JBL, with a funny one-second appearance by Coach. Probably the weakest of the promos I've seen so far, but it's kind of cool in that Cena and Bradshaw both show that they'd probably make pretty good actors. Interesting.]

If Trish Has a Fan Club, I Want to Sign Up

Christy Hemme bounces her way down to the ring and picks up a mic, thanking the fans and talking about getting naked for Playboy and blah blah blah. I honestly don't mind Christy, because 1) she has an actual personality, 2) she can speak relatively well, and 3) the fans voted for her to be there. Maria, on the other hand, can kiss my ass. But you'll be hard-pressed to find me giving two shits about Playboy. Christy reveals her cover, and it doesn't look a damn thing like her, and is not a very good picture anyway. Of course, I'm about the only one looking at her from the neck up.

Thankfully, Trish's music cues up and saves me from having to talk about this crap anymore. She grabs a mic and congratulates Christy on her success, but takes exception to her spotlight being stolen. And I can't agree more. Trish takes a look at the six-foot rendering of the magazine cover and says that Christy looks sexy (I don't agree, but whatever. Christy's far prettier on TV than she is in pictures), but something just isn't quite right. After a moment of study, Trish has finally figured out what it is: she produces a can of spray paint and crosses out the word "champion" in Christy's headline, because DUH. I'm in love with Trish right now. She starts painting over Christy's face, but is pulled away and slapped for her troubles. Trish, being totally fucking awesome, kicks Christy in the head so hard she loses one of her shoes, and gets in an awesome ad-lib. "Your head is so hard it broke my darn shoe, girl." It's all in the delivery.

To complete her masterpiece, Trish drags an unconscious Christy to the center of the ring and spraypaints "SLUT" across the back of her pretty white dress. Ha! I think I've just found my favorite TV moment of the week. Well played, Trish. Well played.

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Video package: Another overview of the Hall of Fame inductees.

Backstage: Stacy is chatting with "Superstar" Billy Graham, when Candace (whom I shall henceforth refer to as "Boobies McTitsalot," because honestly, why else is she there? The name is descriptive and functional) interrupts to say that it's an honor to meet him. Bullshit. Boobies does even know where she is right now, much less who Billy Graham is. Randy Orton the Date Rapist steps in (calling Stacy "sweetheart," no less), and Stacy leaves the two wrestlers alone to chat. Billy puts over Randy's defeat of Mick Foley last year, and suggests that this year for WrestleMania, he "step out and become somebody very unique." Well, he is borderline special. "Go out there where no wrestler has gone before. Think about being unique, different, and special."

Graham takes off, and Randy muses to himself, "That was actually exactly what I was thinking," while gazing down at a magazine cover. He tosses the mag aside, and the camera zooms in: on the cover of the latest edition of SmackDown! Magazine, is the Undertaker.

Oh HELL no. My favorite wrestler as a kid is NOT losing to this toolbox. As if I needed another reason to hate Randy.

Elsewhere backstage: Maria starts to ask Edge how he feels about his streetfight tonight with HBK, but he cuts her off before she can finish (my hero!) He bitches about being constantly overlooked, and mentions that the last time HBK overlooked him, he got his ass pinned to the mat. Last week he missed the con-chair-to, but not this tonight, dammit. Edge intensely assures Maria that if HBK wants to overlook Edge heading into WrestleMania, then Michaels isn't going to even make it there. I got no snark here. Usual great, intense promo from Edge.

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Next week: Batista v. Ric Flair. In North Carolina, no less.

Edge v. Shawn Michaels (Street Fight)

Since this is a street fight, both men are wrestling in jeans tonight. Any "toughness" that comes along with wearing denim is completely negated by the fact that Edge is wearing women's jeans. They both attack right away, and HBK takes off his belt and starts whipping Edge with it. He wraps he belt around his fist and slugs away. Damn, he didn't wait long get nasty, did he? Michaels gets a back body drop and sends Edge to the outside. They brawl into the crowd, and HBK cracks me up on the way back in, when he stops to take a picture of Edge with a fan's camera. HBK finds a trash can and whacks Edge over the head with it.

He does stop there, pulling a ladder out from under the ring. He sets it up outside, but before he can use it, he walks right into a trashcan lid between the eyes. Ouch. Edge slugs away, and they go back inside. He finds a chair and brings it in the ring, setting it upright on the mat and DDTing HBK's head onto the chair, sending him rolling out of the ring. Double ouch. Michaels comes up bleeding, and goddamn, that's a good bladejob. It's also a good time for some...

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We're back, and Edge has Michaels in a chinlock-leg scissors combo right now. HBK fights out and gets a kneelift and a knockdown, then heads outside to retrieve the ladder. When he brings it in, it gets dropkicked in his bloody, bloody face for two. It's an awesome visual when Edge comes up, covered in HBK's blood. Edge goes up top, but HBK simply throws the entire ladder at Edge, knocking him down to the floor. Heh. It ain't fancy, but it gets the job done and looks very cool and very real. HBK tries some kind of suicide dive but botches it when he catches his foot on the middle rope - Edge was great in catching him safely here.

Back in, Michaels wedges the ladder into the turnbuckle and chops away at Edge. He attempts an Irish whip, but Edge stops himself and sends HBK headfirst into the ladder with a drop toehold and GODDAMN. That looked painful and sounded even worse. It only gets two for Edge. Why is HBK not dead right now? Wait, I know! It's the jeans! That's where his power lies! Seriously, Edge would have won this match if he had known that. Those jeans defeated Triple H in 2002, and they'll defeat Edge tonight against all better judgment.

Edge climbs the ladder and splashes Shawn from the top and gets only two. See? It's the jeans. Edge goes for the chair, but is intercepted and catapulted into the ladder instead. HBK crawls for the chair and absolutely plasters Edge with it, and for once the announcers aren't exaggerating when they compare it to a gunshot. Gah. I got a migraine just watching that. Edge recovers and goes after HBK with a Kendo stick, but nothing doing: Michaels hulks up with the powers of Jesus and denim (which are immeasurable when combined, much like Captain Planet) and goes nuts on Edge, culminating in a brutal shot with the kendo stick.

HBK tunes up the band, but Sweet Chin Music is ducked, and the Showstopper takes a chairshot to the balls. Edge brings another chair into the ring, and starts setting up what he called for in his interview earlier: a one-man con-chair-to. Continuity, baby! It's the antidote to anvils. Shawn saves himself, though, by punching Edge in the balls. Michaels tries for another chairshot, but Edge spears him to the mat instead out of nowhere. That only gets two, and I'm starting to get pissed off.

Edge can't believe, but he composes himself and stomps in the corner, setting up for his own Sweet Chin Music. He only ends up walking into a superkick, and that's enough for the pin. Great match, wrong ending.

Winner: Shawn Michaels

Post-match: About five seconds after the pin, Kurt Angle appears out of nowhere and goes after Michaels, getting an overhead suplex and a camel clutch, and generally just pounding the shit out of his bloody face. One quick quibble: if Angle was going to show up and beat the crap out of Michaels, why not cost him the match, too? It was completely unnecessary to have Edge lose cleanly in this scenario. Anyway, Angle finishes up with an Angle slam and looks totally badass with HBK's blood all over him. He grabs a mic: "Shawn Michaels... as far as your challenge at WrestleMania is concerned... I accept." Security comes down the ramp to take Angle away, but he leaves through the crowd to avoid them and gloats amongst the fans to close the show.