[Author's Note: FUUUUCCCCCKKKK~! On top of the general sense of malaise I had towards recapping this show much past its first half-hour, I've now had to recap the second hour of the show twice. At 5:45pm, I was almost done and was doing the final preview of the recap when something went tits up on my PC... and the last time I'd saved the thing was back an hour before while I was doing Orton's promo. So an hour lost, and it was an hour of forgettable TV that only got MORE difficult to recap a second time, though. Please forgive if you can spot the moment when I stop trying, and you cut over to my re-do. Also: forgive the extra hour-plus delay caused by the fuck-up.]

I try not to reveal too many of my "trade secrets" in my columns/recaps... although 99% of you are oblivious to the fact, a vile and tiny cadre of Rickciples ALREADY enjoy the activity of identifying and calling me out on some of my more frequently-used "Rickisms" as it is. So I don't need to go making it even easier for people to see through my mind-set and writing process. I feel I should make 'em work for it....
 

It was a piece of crap. Well, mostly; some of the stuff on Cena I expect to

And hilariously: me at my laziest and least-enthused also ended up doing one of the most essentially ACCURATE RAW Previews I've ever done. There's only one lesson there, as far as I'm concerned: I don't get paid to do this, and on weeks when I don't have the time/energy to do it just for shits and giggles, the crappy half-assed crap I churn out turns out to be essentially the same thing as the team of monkeys WWE is paying top dollar to keep on staff. I'm not 100% sure of the numbers at this point, but the creative team has about 6 or 8 asses among them... I don't *think* it's asking too much that they try to use more than half of one to do this job.

Of course, as soon as I say, "They did the show that I lazily predicted," that means that last night's show wasn't really BAD. It was just bland and boring and predictable. Like a kid's Connect-the-Dots book, where the grown-ups can already see the pictures without the lines drawn in, and the only people who will truly marvel at the magic of the activity is a four-year-old. I'm not proud that I arrived at such an obvious and boring set of "preview observations" on my own, but again, my excuse is simply this: I don't get paid for this, and that's the best I could come up with in 20 minutes. Give me a week (hell, just gimme 8 hours, a bottle of whiskey, and somebody I trust to be my "Stupid Patrol"), and I'll put my WHOLE ass into it, with much better results.

So OK, this was 2 hours of RAW where there was almost nothing that pissed me off or that outright sucked. But on the last show before WM, you should be bringing the house... but nope. I can safely say that watching RAW wasn't even close to the most fun I had on a rather turgid Monday. Worse: I can safely say that as soon as the show was done, I had no desire to think or talk about the show, just because there was nothing left to think or say that I hadn't (ironically enough) said in my half-assed preview.

And in truth, that might be bad for YOU, the Loyal Home Viewers... because a show that left me slack-jawed and with a wandering mind for vast stretches didn't do a whole lot in terms of giving me material for witty jokes, clever observations, or snarky commentary. Good shows are fun because I enjoy telling the stories; bad shows are fun because I enjoy making fun of idiots. But shows like Monday's? Really hard to do much of anything with a show that didn't have any real good or real bad, but just a whole lot of bludgeoning predictability and mediocrity.

I'll give it the ol' college try, though... here's hoping I can put maybe three-fifths of my ass into this one, and effectively cover up RAW's raging half-assery.

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in the Allegedly Great State of Texas! Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler have three, three, THREE big ways for us to win tonight, including the "Face-Off" between Triple H and Batista (Wheee! What a predicament!), Shawn Michaels vs. Muhammad Hassan, and (argghhh) Trish vs. Spaz in an Arm Wrestling Contest. Because nothing says Legitimate Women's Wrestling like bringing back a staple of the legendary Terri Runnels vs. Miss Kitty feud. But why bitch about that now when I can bitch about it later? WWE actually has designs on getting this show off to a promising start....

The Highlight Reel: Special "Can You Top This?" Edition

Chris Jericho, with his Longtime Companion the JeriTron 5000 (can you believe? it's now officially been two years, and NObody has destroyed the JeriTron! I'd put the shelf life on that puppy at 9 months, tops!), is already in the ring, just waiting until somebody tells him JR and King are done shilling. And finally he gets his cue, and it's On.

Jericho plays his hand, and it's a boat, Obvious full of Predictable. But he's also sticking to pretty lame grounds because his job here is as table-setter... so he says "six days till WrestleMania" this, and "where men can become legends and make history" that, and it's all by way of making a point that he's already made history by being the first Undisputed Champion, and having had that taste of the gold has made him hungry -- hungrier than anybody else in the match -- to climb the ladder, earn his title shot, and once again be the best in the world. It was kind of a "Triple H Junior" vibe, but remember the "hungry" line, it was in there for a reason...

So, having established his intensity and used his Serious Voice for a good 90 seconds, Jericho decides it's now time to have some guests come out and make things interesting. Because Jericho has something else he wants to say, and he wants to say it directly to Chris Benoit and Shelton Benjamin. So both guys come out, and flank Jericho. Jericho says that he's not so concerned about the other guys, but Shelton and Benoit, they respect each other and hell, they're even maybe, sorta friends if you want to get sappy about it. So Jericho just wants to let them know right now, to their faces, that in six days, it's every man for himself, and friendship's out the window.

Benoit is the first to pipe up and says, "I wouldn't have it any other way, and I got no problem with you doing whatever it takes to win, because I'm gonna do the same thing." But Benoit *does* have a problem with something else: he thinks Jericho's 100% wrong when he says he's the most hungry to win the title. Because it was just one year ago at WM20 when Benoit made HHH tap out and celebrated at MSG with the World Title, and the only thing he wants in the world is to feel that way again. And it doesn't even matter to Benoit if he has to go through five men or a ladder match to get there: he even broke his neck in a ladder match, but he came back from that better than ever, and he won't let that stop him from doing whatever it takes to win on Sunday. NO ONE is hungrier than the Wolverine to win this match

OK, so Benoit just kinda trumped Jericho's hunger... what you got, Young Shelton? "Whoa, whoa, whoa, there Chris. You think having a broken neck makes you hungry?" Some definite boos in there... but Shelton wins them back with a sweet punchline, "You both talk about having held the world title, but I've never had that chance, so that makes me BEYOND hungry.... I'm damned near STARVING!". Cheers for that. But just to be ambiguous, Shelton follows up his cheer-line with another boo-line: "And unlike the two of you, I'm the only one in this match who knows a little something about currently holding a title." Shelton fondles the IC Title, as Benoit mouths something that I'm gonna pretend was him remembering that he's made Shelton tap out in the last month...

But before tempers can flare: Christian (accompanied by the Lovely Miss Tomko) hits the stage, and the three men in the ring suddenly remember they are united in not liking Captain Charisma... Christian keeps our theme running by declaring, "You all keep talking about being hungry... but you all look pretty full to me." And if you weren't singing along with the CLB at this point, you're a few IQ points short of The Rick: "FULL OF CRAP." HA~! Perhaps predictable, but also necessary and funny. Christian says that while these three are stroking each others' egos and talking about hunger, nobody is talking about Christian, and that's just the way he likes it: because nobody predicted Christian to beat Chris Jericho at WM20 (stink eye from Jericho on that one), but he did, and Christian's just the kind of guy who is at his best when his back's up against the wall. In fact: unlike these three, Christian can top THEM all because he's got two ladder match wins at WM, and they've got none. ZING!

The last word, however, will not belong to Christian... in this game of rhetorical one-ups-manship, Edge is packing four aces: one for each of his assembled opponents. Edge gets to the ring, and takes Christian's mic, and promptly goes into whiny, me-wanty mode, talking about how disgusted he is listening to these four guys flapping their gums while he, Edge, is the real story. Turning to Christian: "You want to talk about winning two WM ladder matches? I've done that too." Turning to Jericho: "You want to talk about making history? I've done that, too." To Shelton: "You want to talk about InterContinental Titles and hungering for the World Title? That's me." And finally to Benoit: "You want to talk about broken necks? I've been through that."  Edge's spiel wraps up with his earnest belief that he is each of those four stories, each of those four kinds of hunger, rolled into one very angry, very frustrated, very determined package. And he hits his punchline: "And if I have to snap five necks to win my World Title, I will."

Of course, that's a delicate topic for Benoit, who retorts, "Not if I break yours first," and the brawl is on. Jim Ross notes it's a "Pier Sixer," which is standard wrestling code for a brawl involving six men. But it did make me wonder "What the hell was the story behind the Pier 17 Baked Cod they used to serve at my sophomore year residence hall?"... or do I not want to know? In any case, the brawl doesn't look like it's gonna end any time soon, five of the guys are conveniently in wrestling gear (and the sixth is the one disposable guy who ISN'T in the WM ladder match), so I think we ALL know what's coming up after these.....

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Chris Benoit/Chris Jericho/Shelton Benjamin vs. Edge/Christian/Tyson Tomko

Back from the break and we join this match In Progress (having been told that GM Eric Bischoff appeared to order the contest)... and to start, it's Jericho and Christian picking up where they've never quite bothered ever leaving off after last year's Mania. Good back and forthy stuff with them, with Jericho controlling most of the action, and eventually opting to tag in Shelton Benjamin.

Shelton kept the high energy offense rolling for a while, but after a few minutes got trapped in the Wrong Part of Town. The heels cut the ring in half, and kept Shelton isolated; Benoit and Jericho, per Tag Team Bylaw 37.2.9b ("Babyfaces must be dumb"), kept hopping in the ring to break it up, but in so doing, only distracted the ref and let the heels keep on cheating. Probably the highlight of the beatdown on Shelton was a wicked half-chokeslam/half-Rock-Bottom thingie that Tomko put on him (but which you could tell was 95% Shelton selling the shit out of it and helping Tomko to get the sweet elevation). At some point along the way, Christian was in the ring, working a chinlock, and then, quite annoying, Time Warner Cable decided they needed to do a "Monthly Test of the Emergency Broadcast System" (which sure as hell seems to happen lots more than once a month, and only during shows I watch)... so sound and video are toast for a minute, and then the video comes back but the sound is still out for another minute after that (doubling my annoyance: exactly one hour before, the same stupid test toasted 2 pretty key minutes of "24" for me; dastards!)... somehow, during the testing, I *think* all I missed was Edge coming in and taking over the chinlock. Shelton fired up on Edge out of that chinlock, and just as the sound finally kicked back in, he made the hot tag to Chris Benoit.

Benoit was chock full of the fi-yah, suplexing anything that moved. And in one case, nearly suplexing Christian right onto Edge's limp carcass, which had just been suplexed seconds before. Benoit cleaned house and decided to go up top to finish off Edge with a Swandive Headbutt, but that's when Tomko made his presence felt, and tried to interfere... but Benoit? Just said "Fuck you" and headbutted Tomko to the floor. And apparently head-butted him pretty damned hard, because immediately, Benoit started bleeding from the head, and had what looked like a wide and nasty gash above his right eye. The distraction from Tomko was enough to allow Edge to recover, too: so Edge joined Benoit on the top rope, and superplexed him off. Both legal men are down in the ring, so let's get us another dose of....

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Back, and Christian has replaced Edge, and is working a chinlock on Benoit, but is making sure to punctuate it with lots of dickish face gouging and forehead punching. And man alive, Benoit is a MESS. It doesn't really look like it's a super-deep cut, but it's an sloppy, awkward gash, and there's a lot of blood all over Benoit's right side of his face. Although this is the standard sort of resthold-setting-up-the-fire-up-and-hot-tag bit, Benoit's crimson mask actually has the effect of making it a lot more compelling: Christian is able to attack the gash for extra heel heat, and JR/King are doing a sweet job of putting over not just how the blood loss might be affecting Benoit now but also how this is NOT what Benoit needed to happen just six days out from one of the biggest matches of his career. Benoit finally fires up out of the chinlock with some stiff chops, and then follows up with a Swandive Headbutt on Christian... in a nice touch, he doesn't even bother going for the token pinfall attempt, and instead start convulsing in pain, making the home viewer wonder just how wise Benoit was to take such a shot, considering his condition. Note to Randy Orton: if you want to send messages to people about how you'll do anything to win a match, here's how it's done.

So instead of a nearfall, we get a double count, and eventually, both Christian and Benoit make tags. For the faces, it's Jericho in, for the heels, Tomko. But pragmatically, it breaks down into a Pier Fiver pretty quickly. After Jericho does a sweet spot where he bulldogs Tomko down, then runs the ropes, changes direction, does a waltz up and down Tomko's spine (instead of Lionsaulting him), and hits the opposite ring ropes in time to hit a double-jump dropkick on Edge (who had designs on interfering)... and then he follows up with the Ghetto Blaster on Tomko, which Christian has to break up, which means Shelton has to get into the ring, which gives Edge time to recover, and it's just chaos. Through all of this, Benoit pretty much spends the entire time passed out in a heap.

The five-way brawling goes on for a bit, until the chaos is multiplied by the introduction of Accidental Miscommunication. It starts with Jericho dodging a Spear, and Edge taking out Tomko instead. This pisses Christian off, who doesn't think his older brother should be attacking his Problem Solver, and the two start having words. The distraction is enough for Benoit to make his only cameo appearnace of the End Game Sequence, as he grabs Edge just as Shelton is gonna do his leg-whip thingie: but the combination of Benoit's positioning and Edge ducking means that Shelton kicks the crap out of Benoit instead. NOW Benoit will stay down for the rest of the match. Shelton briefly checks on Benoit, and while he does, Christian sneaks up behind Edge (still salty about the Spear on Tomko) and hits an inverted DDT. Shelton gets up and hits Christian with a T-Bone Powerslam. Tomko is lurking, though, and Shelton stands up and walks right into a Big Boot. That leaves just two men standing, and Chris Jericho almost immediately takes down Tomko and locks him into the Walls of Jericho. Tomko battles it for about 20 seconds and then taps out.

Really hard to know for sure since it started during a commercial break, but I'm feeling like this was in the 12-15 minute range, and it was REALLY good stuff. The promo leading up to it was dead-on, and though it was a bit "writer-y" at the start, they way the piled on and fed off the "hunger" theme leading up to Edge's "I got all FOUR of your stories rolled into one, so *I* am the hungriest" punchline was pretty sweet. Match was exactly what it should have been, too, with pretty non-stop action, requisite miscommunication at the end to dissolve the team alliances, and with Tomko (the disposable man in the equation) taking the fall. Nothing shocking at all, but a very well-executed example of a fairly predictable scenario. Oh, and it might make me a worse person, but Benoit's crimson mask is certainly one of those things that, unfortunate as it might be, added a lot to the middle stages of the match, too.

After the Match: Christian had recovered and attacked Jericho with a ladder... but before more damage could be done, Kane's music hit, and Christian entered Chickenshit Mode. When Kane got to the ring, XTian put up only the gentlest of opposition, and before you knew it, Kane had the ladder and was cleaning house on everybody. Only exceptions: Benoit never got up (and was getting tended to by Earl Hebner, so hopefully he's not too badly hurt), and instead of eating ladder, Edge got a Very Special Chokeslam. With carnage all around him, Kane set up the ladder and ascended, and then set off his corner pyro. A nice little ploy to make Kane seem less like an "odd man out" (stylistically-speaking) in a ladder match, and more like a dominant possible favorite. Between the promo, the match, and the post-match, this was about 35 minutes of getting it exactly right, even if it was pretty simple/obvious stuff at every turn: in essence, the execution was so good that the conception of the content didn't matter so much.

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Hype Central: JR and King talk some about WM21, which somehow provides a segue to re-running the Angle/Spaz "Harry Met Sally" spoof. And even it's my personal favorite one of the bunch, I still don't recap repeats... suffice to say coming out of the spoof, it's more hype, and the revelation that WWE is running a series of polls related to the spoofs. Which I guess is kind of a cute notion, but really, the only question that I'd like to answer for them is, "Why the hell is a poll about somebody wearing a funny wig the only thing we've got worth asking you fans about? Shouldn't we be getting you more excited about -- you know -- the actual matches at WM21? What the fuck did we do wrong this year?"  Actually, that's three questions... but I'd love to answer them, none the less. I think it gets a little bit more to the heart of the problem, here...

Backstage: Batista is pimped out in full '30s Chicago Style Gangster Wear, which is a pretty classy and time-tested fashion choice. And then: in storms GM Eric Bischoff, who has decided to NOT repeat the mistakes of last week, and gets RIGHT TO THE POINT... after what just happened with Benoit in the six-man, Bischoff can't risk more carnage, can't risk an injury to either man in his WM21 main event, so Batista had better not...  but Batista is feeling the "No Windbaggery This Week" vibe, and cuts him off: "Better not what, Eric? Better not attack Triple H? Well, don't worry. You have my word that I won't start anything later tonight against HHH. But you also have my word that if HHH starts something, I WILL finish it." That's good enough for Eric, who is gonna go off and give the same speech to Trips... but fucking hell, he makes the mistake of coming back for a lame ass tag, which amounts to telling Batista "too bad you think I'm a used car salesman, cuz I really could have used my connections to make you a Hollywood star," and then Batista telling Bischoff that's funny, cuz Bischoff always reminded him of a movie star... a character from Pulp Fiction, specifically. Sure enough, after a tortuously stilted 30-second ride, it turns out it's The Gimp. Wheeee. I'm not entirely sure I get these last two weeks between Batista and Bischoff. I mean, check that: I "get" that they might want to build up some tension (because this could play into Bischoff determining Batista's post-WM challenger, or even more effectively could play into Batista getting traded/lotteried over to SD!, and how that turns out to be a screw-you not only to HHH -- who has been campaigning for Batista to leave for SD! for over a month -- but to a GM that Batista just doesn't like)... but I can't imagine somebody actually sitting in a board room thinking that THIS is grade-A TV-ready material. Batista is at his best when speaking naturally and normally, and this is two weeks in a row where you give him d-grade stand up comedian crap to spew forth...

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Trish Stratus vs. Christy Hemme (Arm Wrestling Contest)

Spaz is out first, accompanied by Lita, who immediately sparks a very odd exchange between King and JR about her possible loose morals. Or was I just thinking too hard? Mheh heh heh heh, "hard." Speaking of hard, I'm sure nobody but a few losery 13-year-olds were rendered such by Lawler once again doing a blustery over-sell of Spaz's Playboy. Note to WWE: it's been available for a month, if people haven't bought it yet, they aren't gonna. Sorry if the sales figures didn't quite pass muster.

And then: Trish is out, and I'm just gonna go ahead and blame everything that happened from here on out on an ill-advised footware decision. I doubt the International Arm Wrestling Federation approves 5-inch stiletto heels for maximum balance and leverage. Ah, but Trish is apparently making some other curious decisions... because I guess that joke above about classic Terri Runnels arm wrestling contests was more prescient than even I knew. Stealing a page out of Terri's Arm Wrestling Playbook, Trish delays the start of the contest to do some Suggestive Warm-Up Exercises. And while Terri probably had her trumped on one front (lingering eyefuls of Terri's be-thonged rump while she does toe-touches beats Trish's TV-G cleavage during some bicep curls), Trish added her own twist to make it a rather fetching diversion in a more substantial way (instead of playing it as titillation, it was played for laughs, complete with hilarious pausing to do some kiss-the-bicep posing).

Finally: Trish is warmed up and ready, and locks up with Spaz. Referee Jack Doan runs down some rules, and then counts them down... and in a flash, Spaz wins! Surely, she got a false start! Or it was the boots! Yeah, the boots! Trish wants a re-match, and won't be caught off-guard again! Spaz consults with Lita, and decides to grant the re-match... and: the SAME EXACT THING HAPPENS AGAIN. If I've got Trish stealing from Terri's arm wrestling playbook, would it be accurate to say Spaz is stealing from Missy Hyatt's? Details are foggy, but I was reminiscing for a bit last night about Missy emasculating some poor schmuck with the "speed, rather than strength" victories in arm-wrestling matches... I wanted to say it was Paul E. But a case was also made that it could have been Jim Cornette. Wanna help settle the dispute, Audience? All you'll really be proving is that you watched WCW at a time when it was flirting with its greatest suckiness, but I don't like half-remembering stories!

So, Spaz beat Trish twice, total elapsed time: less than 7 nanoseconds. And when Lillian Garcia DARES to announce the victory for Spaz, Trish attacks her and shoves her to the mat. That's right, Lillian: it's not Trish's fault that she picked the wrong shoes, or that Spaz is a dirty, dirty cheater who got two false starts! So keep your mouth shut! Lita makes the cardinal mistake of turning around to check on Lillian, so Trish just kicks her square in the butt (JR: "Right in the leg") to knock her down. Spaz, without any back-up, and face-to-face with the Greatest Women's Champion in History, decides to just stand impotently by while Trish smirks and has her music played as she leaves the ring.

I honestly don't get what this accomplished: on its own, it was really lame and unsatisfying, and as part of the big picture, it continues the trend of WWE telling this story all ass-backwards over the past 3-4 weeks. But I've made my stance on that clear already: I won't repeat myself. I guess it's just my fault for being dumb enough to See The Light and start envisioning ways this could be a really special and entertaining match at WM21 (you could even have done it in such a way that I'd LIKE IT if Spaz won the title)... instead, it's just more of WWE's laziness and tunnel vision, and I'm officially LESS interested in this match than I was 2 weeks ago. That's not good.

Backstage: Mayhap Randy Orton can't walk and chew gum at the same time, but he *can* walk and twitch and fidget with his shirt cuffs like a self-obsessed douche all at the same time! Viva la Orton!

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History Lesson: Stone Cold Steve Austin's Inappropriate Vehicular Usage #8792... the night he drove a beer truck to the ring and doused Vince McMahon and The Rock. Good times. I knew Steve Austin, I remember Steve Austin, and John Cena: you're no Steve Austin....

Randy Orton vs. Logic and Causality II: The Rematchening

In just six days, Randy Orton's got a match against his second-most intimidating opponent of all time: the Undertaker. But right here tonight, live on RAW? It's his greatest arch-nemesis, who's ALWAYS had Orton's number: the dreaded Microphone.

Orton gets to the ring amidst a chorus of 100% boos (JR: "A bit of a mixed reaction," which was just damned odd, unless WWE actually is entertaining notions of Orton coming out of this as a fan favorite), and starts about rewriting history: although it flies in the face of the way he set it up last week and in the face of how announcers have been presenting it since then (and continued to present it AFTER Orton's speech), he says his RKO to Stacy last week wasn't a message to the Undertaker: it was a message to fans who doubt him. Because either you're with him or against him. Umm, Randall: against. All of us. Even the tool in the Corona shirt in the front row wasn't cheering for you, and he's pretty much your target audience, Sally.

So last week, when Stacy hesitated before telling Randy she believed in him, she revealed she was Against Him, and thus, had to be eliminated. OK: so that makes a bit more sense... but it also doesn't hang together seamlessly with the story as it's been presented so far. So please, let's just get everybody on the same page before sending Orton out to be a plague upon continuity and common sense. I like this re-telling, actually: let's everybody tell it the same way.

But just as Orton might be rewriting the past for the forces of good, he has to go and rewrite the laws of the cosmos for the forces of stupid. He moves on to talk about how he's so totally NOT scared of the Undertaker, and how that'll give him the advantage over Taker on Sunday. Because, in Orton's Own Words, "All of your opponents in the future, they had already beaten themselves before they even stepped into the ring." Tee hee: I guess Randy's celebrating the ten-month anniversary of the night he Started What He Finished? Logic and Causality: they mean NOTHING to a bold young warrior like Randall Orton! What a fucking idiot... the thing that weirds me out the most is that when he says monumentally dumb things like this, there isn't even a flicker of recognition in his eyes: certainly not any attempt to go back and fix the mistake, but also not even the feel that he caught the mistake and is mentally berating himself for it. Maybe I just don't have access to enough Dumb People in my everyday life, but watching Orton on a weekly basis just provides me what I have to assume is a unique glimpse into the mind of the empty-minded.

Before Orton can continue much further on with his spiel about Not Being Scared, we get a Video Interruption... and it's a pretty cool one. Starting at 12 and counting down to 1, Taker's WM hit list is documented in quick-hitter form, with some creepy music and sound-effects. When the countdown hits zero, the zero turns into an "O" which turns into an "Orton." Taker's voiceover simply says, "Randy Orton: Rest In Peace." When the video ends, the ring is bathed in purple light, there's a pyro burst, and the corner posts are aflame as Taker's music kicks in. Orton, for all his big talk, certainly looks mighty afraid at this point. Not that there's anything wrong with that: this was definitely not "Gay Spooky." In fact, I don't think it was spooky at all: it was more just some pretty bad-ass intimidation by a guy who shouldn't have to suffer a putz like Orton. Although it started out with some missteps in terms of Orton re-writing his own storyline and then fumbling a line in the spectacularly dumb fashion as only he can, I guess this finished on a pretty simple and effective note. Just not a particularly creative one... nothing was done to make be "believe" in Orton any more than before, and any increase in my desire to see Orton get his ass handed to him was incremental, at most.

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Hype Central: More WM21 Weekend hype from JR and King... and not only do they not pay me to write this show for them, they also don't pay me to pimp their PPVs in the middle of my hand-crafted recaps. So we move on...

Backstage: Randy Orton is looking for his bag so he can scurry away from the building like the proverbial Scalded Dog that he is. But he is being hailed from a dark corner.....  "LEEEEEEE-TA.... LEEEEEEEEE-TA..." Oh, shit, I mean: "Rannnnn-deeeeeee.... Rannnnnn-deeeee..." It's Kane, who wants to have a little chit-chat with Orton. Because you see, he doesn't believe that Orton's not scared. Orton says he's not. Kane's not buying it, and frankly, should have busted out the old chestnut that "If you're not afraid, then it's only because you're too stupid to be afraid." But he didn't. Instead, he says that twice he's been a WM victim of the Undertaker, and twice, it was all he could do to get out of the match with his soul. He knows a little something about facing Taker at WM... and he knows that all Randy's talking isn't getting it done. He's not scaring anybody, he's not convincing anybody, and he's sure not sending a message to anybody. Kane says if Orton wants us to believe he's not afraid of Taker, he needs to quit talking about it, and SHOW US. And he's only got 6 days left to do it. Kane laughs an evil laugh as he leaves, and Orton just looks.... well, like Orton: I guess maybe that's his "thinking hard face." Quite possibly the set-up for Orton to wage some kind of attack on Taker on SD!.... and it was the best kind of Randy Orton promo: the kind where somebody more talented did all the talking (and did it quite well)!

William Regal and Tajiri vs. Simon Dean and Maven vs. La Resistance (Tag Team Title Match)

Early on, King and JR try to make this seem special by noting that "Since the tag titles won't be defended at WM, GM Bischoff decided to have them defended right here live on RAW"... sorry guys: no sale.

In deference to the "sudden death" rules, the champs never left the ring the whole time. Because they'd have to be stupid to do so, which is kind of one of my problems with intra-match psychology in some of WWE's non-elimination multi-way matches. Not that we had any time here to have anything resembling intra-match psychology. After a quick start by Tajiri, Maven and Simon managed to do some double-teamy stuff, and Tajiri opted for the quick tag to Regal, who immedaitely became the Babyface in Peril for about 90 seconds, as both heel teams traded off fairly smoothly, and kept Regal isolated.

After the ultra-time-compressed beat-down, Regal made the "hot" tag to Tajiri, who came in, and had some nominal success until he kind of fell prey to a numbers game: he got high-cross-bodied by Maven, and it was a convincing enough near fall that La Resistance had to make the save. Now that the heels are started to in-fight, that was pretty much a License to Head For Home for Tajiri... he started hitting anybody with a face with a stiff kick square in it. When Maven was the only guy left in the ring, he got the Buzzsaw Kick, and was pinned. Tajiri and Regal retain in an utterly forgettable 3-4 minute throw-away match. That's your RAW Tag Division!

Backstage: in the counter-point to the Batista/Bischoff meeting earlier, Bischoff now tries to give Triple H a talking-to about keeping his calm and staying "civil" in the "Face-Off" tonight. Triple H doesn't want to hear it, because this is all Bischoff's fault, because he's the one who pushed to keep Batista on RAW, he's the one who set up this Face-Off, and it shouldn't be HHH's responsibility to be civil. He figures that when Batista hears the "truth" later tonight, he'll start something, and when he starts it, HHH will finish it, and he won't quit until there's nothing left of Batista. Blah blah blah... I guess this would count as a "good tease" that something will happen in the "Face Off," but really, the entire "Face Off" concept is so vague and lazy that I think every single home viewer KNEW what would go down, and that the show wouldn't end without a pull apart brawl. Which means this entire segment amounts to HHH telling the audience something it already knows. Not that that's something he ever does....

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SmackDown! Rebound: I don't recap recaps.

Muhammad Hassan vs. The Ghost of Steve Austin

Hassan, flanked by Daivari, hits the ring for his big match, but before he gets to that, he wants to talk. And we've heard it all before: he's undefeated (for intents and purposes), but he's not going to WrestleMania, because we're all biased and racist, so tonight, he'll prove again how good he is by beating Shawn Michaels in front of his homestate fans. The entire time, he's using a cadence that practically BEGS the fans to "What?" him... so they do. Loudly, and enthusiastically. Hassan hits the climax of his speech, and he's having to scream to over-shadow the "Whats" and his voice actually cracks, Peter Brady-style. Heh. Then, once he's done, he hands the mic over to Daivari for some Farsi-style ranting... curiously, now that the crowd could REASONABLY ask "What?", they opt not to. Idiots. [Note to Daivari: make sure to get a skit with Austin at WM. Note to Austin: make sure to "What?" Daivari. Note to everybody else: keep "What-ing" Daivari for the rest of eternity when he speaks Farsi, and quit doing it to everybody else.]

Finally, Daivari is done, and Shawn Michaels music kicks in, and it's time for....

Muhammad Hassan vs. Shawn Michaels

I'm not sure if it's me not giving a crap at this point, or that I honestly remember Michaels seeming to be in cruise control, but the opening stages of this match seemed like just going through the motions... Michaels came out fast and got the crowd with him with your basic punchy-kicky stuff, and it all built up to about 2 minutes in, when Daivari tried to interfere, but Michaels caught him. And then Hassan tried to use the distraction to get the better of HBK, but Michaels caught HIM, too. And before you know it, Daivari was stumbling around ringside in pain, and Hassan was getting back-dropped over the top rope onto Daivari. That's the efficiency of a veteran for you... Michaels prances and preens, and we get some...

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Back, and magically, Hassan has taken over. A little "during the break" footage reveals that it was a Flair Flip and then a backbreaker by Hassan that turned the tide, and now, Hassan is targeting Michaels surgically-reconstructed lower back. Other than one real nice snap suplex, this consists mostly of chinlocks with a knee to the back added in. Not so thrilling for a few minutes.  But then Michaels starts a fire-up, which gets the blood flowing a bit... and Hassan and Daivari have the answer: Hassan distracts the ref while Daivari uses the ringpost to contort Michaels into a bow-and-arrow type move. And then they reverse roles, and Daivari distracts while Hassan does the ring-post assisted move. Sure the end must be near for Shawn Michaels? Hassan certainly must think so, as he cinches in the Camel Clutch, and wrenches back...

But of course Michaels makes the ropes and gets a break. And almost immediately starts his REAL fire-up, beginning by throwing some punches and chops back and forth with Hassan, but culminating -- as is usually the case -- with a Flying Burrito and the nip-up. From there, it was all Michaels, hitting his usual sequence of End Game Moves. After the Macho Man Elbow, Michaels starts Tuning Up the Band, and is gonna hit the superkick.... 

Until Kurt Angle attacks! Out of the crowd, Angle hits the ring and ankle-tackles Michaels. The two brawl for a moment, and then give us just a taste of what goodness awaits on Sunday: they do a triple-reversey spot where Angle dodges a superkick, then Michaels floats out of an Angle Slam, and then Angle has to dodge another superkick. The scouting, the technical excellence: these two are ready for each other, that's what that sequence tells me (even if the announcers lunched on telling everybody else the same thing). For shits and giggles, as Angle leaves the ring to pick up this fight on Sunday, Michaels nails Hassan with the superkick. Angle escapes through the crowd, as Michaels celebrates his moral (and literal, via Disqualification) victory. A pretty basic 10-12 minute match... I actually liked the 10 minute match Michaels had with Conway a week before better, but this one had the simple little Angle Tag on the end of it which was a nice touch, I guess.

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Backstage: Eric Bischoff is having delusions of grandeur, or something, and is addressing a phalanx of dumpy rent-a-cops as if they are the Navy SEALs... blah blah blah, they better not let anything happen in the Face Off, because this could be the end of life as we know it on planet earth, and they already screwed up by letting Angle into the building and we can't allow another terrorist attack on American soil and I don't even know. Kinda lame and overblown, especially considering how really easily-predictable the final segment was for most fans. There were only two ways to take this skit: as overblown melodrama, or as genuinely letting your expectations get raised. Neither is a good thing.

Hype Central: This time, it's the super extended remix version, running the entire WM21 card, including extras like the Hall of Fame and Piper's Pit. Which might be JR and King's job, but it ain't mine.

Video Package: All things Batista vs. Triple H. Somewhere in between the Angle/Michaels ones (which have been super) and the Orton one (which was eyeball-rollingly bad).  Mostly, I'm struck by the notion that I'm *not* talking out my ass these past 3 weeks when I keep saying that WWE doesn't even understand what they've got in Batista, and they KNOW they don't understand it, so they're keeping everything as absolutely simple as they can so they don't fuck anything up. Like they know they got lucky, and can't risk it. Because not only have they STILL not given Batista the promo time he needs to talk to us and establish his character and motivation, but in this video package, they didn't even bother SHOWING US the past moments that really go into that side of the story. Instead, it's just the bludgeoningly obvious moments, the same things we've been hammered over the head with for the past 3 weeks in Trips' promos... and none of the cool little bits dating back to last October that REALLY set us down this path to Batista's stardom and babyface status. Baffling.

Eric Bischoff Likes Men, He Likes to Be Manhandled, He Likes You: In the comforting presence of 15 burly rent-a-cops, Eric Bischoff makes his way to the ring.  Hmmm, that big-ass overblown speech, an 8-foot banquet table and 15 disposable rent-a-cops: if there isn't "carnage" forthcoming, I'll be very disappointed. Which, given everything else we've gotten the last month in the HHH/Batista story, is exactly what I'm expecting to be after these....

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Triple H vs. Batista's Face Off: Minimal Effort Theatre

Eric Bischoff is our GM, but on this night, he's also our MC, and he calls Triple H out to the ring first. And curiously: HHH has changed into full ring gear (including taped fists and all). Full five minute ring entrance later, Trips takes a load off and sits in his chair (again? that lazy bastard!). Bischoff calls Batista to the ring: he's also ditched his suit and is in full ring gear. 

[Credit to the announcers for noting that both guys came dressed to fight, but let's not mince words: the only reason these guys were dressed in ring gear here was so they could segue directly into the post-show dark match... and sue me for wondering if maybe it's more important to lend a certain gravitas to your final pre-WM showdown between main eventers by putting them in suits and taking the skit seriously, than it is to save the 8,000 people in the arena from having to wait 3 minutes while we do a quick wardrobe change before they get their token dark match. For all the attention WWE puts into OTHER "little things," this seems like them ignoring one of the few "little things" that I'd consider nominally important. I think the same thing was a big contributing reason that WWE laid out the Atlanta RAW a few weeks ago the retarded way they did: because Snitsky vs. Batista in a momentum-crushing main event of suck made for a smoother segue into the post-show tag team dark match than Benoit vs. HHH would have... and all due respect to WWE taking care of the live crowd, but what about taking care of the millions -- and millions -- watching on TV first, huh?]

I guess the rules are this: each guy can talk and let the other guy know what he thinks of him without fear of physical retribution. How thrilling. Didn't HHH just spend half an hour doing that last week? But he gets first dibs again this week: Batista is ungrateful, says HHH, and everything that Batista has, it's because of Triple H. Nobody knew Batista's name until Evolution, and in six days, the "ride is over," and HHH is gonna send Batista back where he found him. In what passed for an Intense Moment, HHH demanded that Batista look him in the eyes (Batista had been lounging casually, sort of staring around the arena, not letting HHH get under his skin), and then says that "in my eyes, you see the truth; and the truth is, you can't beat me." Well, how about that, he wrapped it up in under 5 minutes!

Trips mutters, "So what do you got to say to that?" and tossed the mic at Batista... who picks it up and says "What do I got to say?" and then pauses for alleged effect and says "Are you talkin' to me?"... which is kinda cute, but they kinda had to take a bit of a stilted ride to get there. If they were intent on Batista busting out a movie line, Trips should have closed on the "truth" bit, and Batista should have just casually noted that all things considered, he's handling that particular truth quite well, thank you. I dunno...

But Batista continues: and per WWE McMahon-in-Law Bylaw #3989, he has to start out by kissing HHH's ass, and saying how grateful he is for everything. FUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK~! The notion of mutual respect is nice, but it has the most effect when it's used rarely and appropriately (not between two guys who hate each other), instead of when it's lobbed at HHH every single week by every single guy he feuds with. I don't know if it's done this way on purpose, or if it's just one of those coincidences, but trust me, *this* is the spot for Batista explaining HIS side of the story, making clear everything HE has done for the last 2 years to KEEP Triple H on top, and making even more clear how he decided NOW is the time to be his own man. It's NOT the time for kissing up to the man he supposedly hates with bland and predictable pleasantries. Goddammit, do I ever hate this crap. Luckily, Batista saves it a bit by eventually glossing over his respect for HHH and ladling it more onto Flair (which isn't just me being a Flair ass-sniffer, or anything, but is just me having an attraction to the idea of Flair being more of a tweener in this dynamic than he currently is).

And then, with his mic time brushing up against a full 30 seconds, Batista decides to head for home? Huh? Do they not trust him to speak or is this really what WWE thinks is the smartest creative play? Because Batista just blurts out, "And HHH, I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it: I think you're kind of an asshole." That's all Batista has. No explaining why HHH is an asshole, no explaining when he discovered HHH was an asshole, no taking advantage of damn near 6 months worth of possible examples of HHH's assholitude (overt and covert) against Batista, no nothing. Just "you're an asshole." Arrrggggghhh.

So Triple H gets up in Batista's face, and weighs his options. He opts for "bitchslapping Batista." Curious: for a smart guy, he sure picked the one choice with no real positive outcomes. Sure enough, Batista briefly brings the mic back up to say, "Thank you." And then he proceeded to beat the crap out of HHH. Flair tried to intercede, with limited effectiveness.

Finally, the security task force got in the ring, and swarmed on Batista, all 15 of them holding Batista back, which allowed HHH to take a cheap shot. This only made Batista angry, through, so in Incredible Hulk Style, he threw off the entire hoard of guards and went after HHH again. That was actually a pretty cool visual, I guess. He didn't really get any good licks in, though... the security schmucks recovered quickly, and this time, they went equally after Batista and Trips and pulled them apart. Batista made one more play at HHH, yanking him out of protective custody and into the ring, but that didn't last... the guards eventually got enough separation that HHH and Flair were able to retreat while Batista was held at bay in the ring.

So that's it? No guards get toasted? The table didn't even get broken? Just an anticlimactic and unsatisfying pull-apart that adds nothing to the Batista/HHH feud? Again: WWE's just damned lucky that Batista is popular and fresh enough that their own ineptitude here is not a huge issue. They continue to do the bare minimum, and it might continue to annoy the piss out of me, but it's keeping most fans on board, I guess. But just imagine how much more excited we'd all be (not just me, but ALL fans) if WWE had done even one genuinely interesting or exciting thing with Batista and HHH since the Powerbomb Heard Round the World... it'd have been sweet. This is still a deal where I *want* Batista to win, but by not letting him evolve into a fully formed character and explain himself, I don't *need* Batista to win, if that distinction makes sense... I'm cheering for him more because I know it's the right play and will be something fresh, not because I have the same kind of connection I had to the guy when he was still technically a heel and taking part in week-after-week of cool little understated character building skits with HHH.

But hey, that's me. The live crowd seemed happy enough when Batista closed out the show by posing and taunting the retreating Triple H with a Thumbs Down. That was the backdrop for Jim Ross' final WrestleMania 21 sell-job, and he sure as hell hopes to see you all in six days time...