Then on RAW, you had, obviously, the "huge" Kane/Lita/Edge angle, which to me is an uninteresting and unwelcome development that WWE executed more for short term reasons than because it makes a lick of sense. To them, now fans have a REAL REASON (read, "a fake storyline reason") to chant "slut" at Lita. Yippee? And you had Viscera and Useless Divas eating up (I am NOT exaggerating) FIFTEEN MINUTES OF VALUABLE PRIME TIME AIRTIME all in the name of a go-nowhere gimmick for Big Sexy Vis. And even Lawler was worse than ever tonight: with Stacy Keibler wearing an outfit no more revealing or sexy than any other week in recent memory, Lawler rendered an entire tag team match unwatchable with his one-track commentary. Did somebody steal Lawler's porno collection this weekend or something?

It even bled over onto "24," dammit, where (for the first time since the first hour of the season), stilted proclamations of True Love came at Highly Unrealistic and Inappropriate Times. Jack, you just worry about saving the world and forget about making sappy cell phone calls to that wishy-washy Heller bitch. And Michelle: how fucking stupid do you have to be to FINALLY declare your feelings for Tony in a horribly out-of-place monologue just MOMENTS before he goes on a dangerous mission? Of COURSE he was going to end up in a bad way, and it's ALL YOUR FAULT.

Call it the Week of Completely Stupid, Unnecessary, and Out-of-Context Sexual Tension! Cuz I loves me some creating overriding themes! 

There's a time and a place for everything in this life, but pardon me for thinking if your job is "wrestler," then going to work and singing shitty karaoke at the Ring Flowerpot for one-eighth of a prime time TV show is something that should get you fired for being off-task. Everybody -- from RAW to SD! to CTU -- just put your various parts back in your pants and wait until more pressing and important matters are addressed before proceeding to the romantic interludes, OK? It's just common sense, people...

On the upside, lengthy 15-minute segments that go nowhere make for an easy Recappening Job for The Me! You may well see me shoot right past "half-assery" at the speed of suck, today! I will, at times, keep on going right past "one-quarter-assery," too. The Rick intends, when RAW gets really bad, to flirt with "one-sixth-assery!" That's right: only one-third of ONE of my butt cheeks will be in use! Or, a simple conversion ratio: that's still equivalent to the effort and ability on display in five (5) Wade Keller Recaps.

Wait: did I just think that, or did I really type it out loud? Oh well, whatever: it's true, you know. And here's RAW....
 
Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we are live in Omaha, NE. And if we listen to Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross, we've got three big matches lined up for tonight. But if you listen to King and JR, you are stupid, because one of the "big" "matches" is a lingerie pillow fight between Spaz and Boobies McTitsalot. The other two should be OK, though (Kane vs. Edge and Christian vs. Flair). But before we get to the good stuff, let's start off with....

Chris Jericho/Shelton Benjamin vs. Muhammad Hassan/Khosrow Daivari

As ring entrances are made, footage from last week sets up how this match came to pass. Retroactively, while I was reassessing a few segments of RAW, I noticed that they conspicuously left out the part where Jericho did NOT save Benjamin last week. Make a note of that for later, since it'll be important.

Once all four guys are in the ring, it's straight to the crazy-ass brawling. All four men go at it for about 90 seconds, and it's almost all offense for the fan favorites. This culminated in a Double Stinger Splash, then Hassan and Daivari being tossed out of the ring, and then Stereo Planchas. Nice high energy tandem offense from Jericho and Shelton.

After that, the ref finally got things settled down, and Shelton and Jericho isolated on Daivari for another 2 minutes or so, making frequent tags and effectively controlling the match. [During this stretch, Lawler made another one of his dumber-than-usual comments on the night, saying that maybe Shelton and Jericho will get along, afterall, since they have "rock 'n' roll" in common. JR, naively, asked how that worked, and Lawler said something like, "Well, Jericho has Fozzy, and Shelton, well, back in his old neighborhood, he used to hit you in the head with a Rock and then Roll you." JR's annoyed groan was even louder than mine, thankfully. And I guess this is what happens a year after Booker T got traded over to SD!? Lawler simply can't contain his shitty "Felonious Negro" one-liners, anymore?]

Daivari finally manages a desperation move of some kind and gets a tag in to Hassan; Daivari sticks around long enough to provide some Initial Distraction, allowing Hassan to take control on Shelton, who becomes Our Face In Peril. Shelton endures a mostly lower-back-related attack from the Ay-rabs, who are at their heelish best by cutting the ring in half, goading Jericho to step into the ring to distract the referee so they can hit naughty double-team moves, and whatnot. Very effective, if formulaic, as Shelton seemed to have the crowd behind him. [Request: the crowd started chanting something during the heel beatdown segment, but I couldn't make it out. And I'm too lazy to check the recording. Any help?]

Finally, one of Shelton's hope spots seems to stick: he hits a slick Samoan Drop out of nowhere on Hassan, and both guys are down. Benjamin manages to get to his corner to tag in Jericho, but Hassan is not so lucky: he's trapped in the ring with Y2J, who is the proverbial House Afire. He's hitting all his high energy babyface spots, and even when Daivari tries to interfere, Jericho's got the answer and tosses him out of the ring. But was Daivari's distraction enough to save Hassan? Maybe, because when Jericho warms up for the Bossman Straddle, Hassan's able to get out of the way: but Jericho counters the counter by landing on his feet out on the apron and immediately bounding up to the top rope to hit Hassan with a Steamboat-esque bodyblock. And this time, when Daivari interferes to break up the count, Jericho falls prey to the Numbers Game.

But luckily, Shelton's now had time to recover and gets back into the match, allowing Jericho to focus solely on Hassan. But unluckily, Daivari quickly dispatches Shelton out over the top rope.... so that's how, just as Jericho was locking Hassan into the Walls of Jericho, Daivari created another distraction, causing Jericho to break the hold to hit him with a Double Jump Dropkick. And when Jericho turned around to address the Legal Man again? You guessed it: he walked right into the Flatliner (or the "Terror Alert" or any number of other stupid names I could probably come up with right now if I felt like it). One, two, three, and Jericho is pinned after about 9-10 minutes of fairly entertaining action. Let's just say that at this point, Jericho's really not a guy you want on your Fantasy WWE Team...

After the Match: Hassan and Daivari left the ring to their music, and Shelton tried to console Jericho in the ring. But Jericho was having none of it: he didn't respond to Shelton's advances, and eventually just left the ring with a blank stare on his face. 

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Backstage: Holy crap, it's the Miracle Rick Connection #2 (Molly and Trish, together for however few matches, shall always be #1 in, among other places, my heart)! Chris Benoit and Tajiri, together at last! Surely nothing bad can come of this! Benoit's chatting casually, mentioning how Paul Heyman called him over the weekend and invited him to the ECW Reunion PPV. Tajiri, utilizing the finest of gestures (the Broad kind), manages to convey -- without speaking a word of English -- that he, too, will be at the ECW PPV. Benoit finds this very interesting, and has an idea: how about tonight, they start knocking the old ring rust off, and have Benoit vs. Tajiri in an ECW Rules Match? Tajiri likey, but here comes Johnny Bringdown: William Regal arrives and wants to know what's going on. Tajiri explains in Japanese, but Regal immediately grasps that there's an ECW Rules Match agreed to, and he forbids it. Because he foresees a bright future for himself and Tajiri as a tag team, and doesn't bloody want Tajiri doing any ECW Rules matches. But Tajiri begs and pleads, and finally Regal relents. The segment ends with Tajiri and Benoit both sporting sadistic grins, because nothing says "fun" like going out and kicking the shit out of a friend in the Spirit of Competition!. The segment also ends with me sporting the purely metaphorical hard-on for how awesome this shall be.

Last Week: JR and King take us through Triple H's walk-out and assure us HHH is nowhere to be seen tonight. So maybe, just maybe HHH will be absent again this week? I'll believe it when I see it. Of note: Lawler's got a new t-shirt, which is black with nothing but ridiculously gigantic 18-inch-high capital letters on the front reading "KING." I want to make a joke about how this is so that even the dimmest of the Useless Divas might be able to phonetically puzzle out his name when they spot him backstage... except that now that they are purposely trying to make Maria be stupid, she's not as much fun to pick on as when she was just naturally being stupid. And after her, it kind seems like maybe there's a pretty big tie for second place. So my joke shall have to go unmade....

Elsewhere Backstage: in one of those annoyingly-staged Hollywood Moments, Eric Bischoff is speaking to an off-camera person, when in storms The Coach. Coach wants to tell Bischoff about the ECW Rules Match, but Bischoff is in the middle of a meeting. After 3 tries, Coach finally gives up and lets Bischoff conduct his business. And finally, the camera pans back to reveal Ric Flair. Fucking hell: just start the damned segment with Flair in frame, idiots. If you think this is what passes for dramatic tension, you may kindly lick my butthole. Nothing (ZERO!) is gained by framing shots this way, and you only serve to annoy people like me who'd rather be able to take his wrestling seriously. Seriously: I'll throw together a pamphlet called "The Rick's Rules for Cameras in Wrestling," and just like that, a good two-thirds of Backstage Cheese would be eliminated. Anyway, Flair is here to yell at Bischoff for letting Triple H walk out the week before. Flair says HHH has an ego, and justifiably so, which means it's up to Bischoff to make the first phone call to HHH to ask him to come back. But Bischoff says he has an ego, too, because he's the GM of the biggest show in wrestling, and he doesn't need to go making any phone calls to HHH. He said if Flair wants HHH back on RAW, then it's up to Flair to handle it, because Bischoff's not gonna do anything. So, muttering to himself, Flair leaves the dressing room....

Kubrick Segue: and the camera follows him into a hallway, where Flair spots Batista enjoying a nice hot cup of coffee at the catering table. Flair, all alather over Bischoff's unhelpfulness, starts shouting at Batista that this is all Batista's fault, and that HHH would still be here if it wasn't for Batista's insubordination. Batista finally hears enough, and cuts Flair off saying that this isn't his fault. It's HHH's fault, and HHH's fault alone. Furthermore, Batista doesn't feel like he owes HHH anything, but he does want to be serious for a moment and tell Flair that he DOES appreciate and respect the Nature Boy. The show of respect immediately calms Flair down, as there ain't a man, woman, or child alive who doesn't like to hear a nice compliment. Batista says he learned a lot from Flair and he'll never forget that. He even has a little tribute for Flair: a (purposely) crappy "Whooo!". Which, of course, inspires a little of the old Nature Boy to show up, and correct Batista with a more energetic "Whoooo!". Batista, by all outward signs, loves seeing the old Naitch, and wishes Flair luck against Christian. In the ultimate sign of respect, he even calls Flair "The Man," on Flair's way out. OK: so this is something they should have done heading into WM21, but interesting so far....

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Ric Flair vs. Christian

Christian hits the ring wearing an absolutely ricockulous new hoodie. And I mean "ricockulous" in the best sense of the word. You have to see it to appreciate it.

Out of the gates, it's a little "Can you top this?" action, with dueling prickishness. Feigned lock-ups into strutting, bitchslaps aplenty, basically whatever one did to be a heel, the other duplicated for the opening few moments of the match. This transitioned into a less "mirror-image-y" bit of back-and-forthy; actually, this got disjointed at times, but that wound up being the defining characteristic of this match. The back-and-forth ended when Flair (oh, you poor, poor man) went to the top rope, and predictably enough, got rocket-launchered off.

So Christian began a mild heat sequence on Flair, but again, there was no real flow here, or time to tell a story. So choppy-choppy and stuff like that. When Flair got tossed outside (after not quite getting all of a Flair Flip, Christian assisted him out), The Lovely Miss Tomko put a few cents worth in, too. But once back in the ring, it wasn't long before Flair just started throwing chops out of nowhere with no real build up or transition. He backed Christian into a corner and pounded away for about 30 seconds with punches and chops, until Christian (in the match's hands-down punchline) shoved his way out of the corner, went directly to the middle of the ring, shadow boxed for a few seconds on "spaghetti legs," and then did a dead-on Flair Flop right in front of the Nature Boy. Funny.

Flair followed up with a few more moves, and then decided he was gonna go for the Figure Four. But he was near the ropes, and Tomko was able to land a right hand to break that up. Christian quickly tried to follow-up with a roll-up, but here's where it got all sloppy and disjointed: they didn't quite get together on the roll-up, and then when then did Christian used one handful of tights and one hand on the ropes for illegal leverage right in front of the ref, which seemed to kind of make him seem very dumb, because the ref stopped the count at 2 when he finally noticed the transgressions (which also made the ref seem a bit dim). And then while Christian was arguing with the ref, Flair rolled HIM up (again in a slightly awkward spot), and Flair also used the handful of tights (and again seemed like the ref should have been able to see it, but this time, he didn't) to get the three-count. Huh. Very tough to say where to place the blame on the closing segment (referee positioning? poor communication?), but it didn't seem very smooth or convincing. A disjointed end to a pretty disjointed little 3-4 minute match.

After the Match: Tomko didn't like the outcome, so he got in the ring and attacked Flair. Christian recovered quite quickly and joined in. And so for about 90 seconds, the 2-on-1 attack was on! I think you can see where this is headed right? Because even the live crowd spent half that 90 seconds chanting "Batista, Batista." And yet, when Batista arrives to beat the crap out of Christian and Tomko, JR has to sell it like the thought never crossed his mind: another little minor detail where it doesn't seem like it'd be hard to tweak something to add a little logic, continuity, or realism to the product. Christian and Tomko both end up getting Batista Bombed by the end of the assault by Batista, and then Flair and Batista share some Tender Loving Eye Contact as Batista leaves the ring. You know, I like the idea of doing this angle with Flair as a tweener, but you can go check my archives and see that I liked the idea of doing it back 3 months ago when it could have meant something. Now, with the "HHH is missing" angle (and knowing that HHH vs. Batista is still headlining the June PPV), the ambiguity of it is kind of gone, though: instead of seeming like it could really be a freshening of Flair's character, it seems like this is pretty obviously setting up a doublecross in which Flair will "advise" Batista to give HHH the re-rematch, and Batista will heed that advice, only to find out Flair is still dedicated to HHH. It makes it a little less fun when WWE waits 3 months too long to pull the trigger on a good idea for a story... but better late than never? I dunoo...

Backstage: tonight's drink special is the Red Headed Slut. So even though Lita and Spaz haven't had any on-screen association with each other in well over a month, let's all order two! This bit basically amounts to Lita wishing Spaz luck in the pillow fight, and then the two get interrupted by Edge, who wants to talk to Lita for a moment. In private. Except for the camera. [Now I'm just being a dick about the camera thing; as long as it is consistently applied, I really don't care if the cameras are used in a "reality show" kind of way when personalities have to ignore they are there for skits like this. I only get annoyed when I also detect the presence of a Camera Operator, executing cheesy zoom-ins and pan-outs in Hollywood Fashion, in addition to the camera itself.] Amidst a flurry of "You Screwed Matt" chants, Lita cowers and Edge threatens to do awful, awful things to her husband later on tonight. Because he will beat Kane, and then he will beat Batista, and then he will be the World Heavyweight Champion. BANK ON IT~!
 
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Backstage: Christian and Tomko are seething and licking their wounds when Maria the Mic Stand arrives to add insult to injury. Proving that WWE is now intentionally running with the gimmick of Maria being stupid, she asks, "Um, so after what Batista did to you, are you hurt?" That is verbatim. Or close enough. Christian, of course, immediately opines that this is the dumbest questions he's ever been asked because of course he's hurting. He eventually tells Maria to scram before any more of her Dumb can rub off on him. Because SOME of it did: once Maria is gone, Christian actually turns to his Loyal Companion, the Lovely Miss Tomko, and calls him "Batista" to his face. Oh, poor, poor Tomko! For yesterday I made the jokey comparison between you and the Logical Monster, but now your own Beneficent Master can't tell you two apart! Your tattoos and unfortunate choices for facial hair aren't THAT similar! That must sting for the lovely young valet. The punchline to the exchange is basically that Christian wants "Batista Jr." to help him to eradicate Batista the Elder once and for all.

The Rick's Flirtation With One-Sixth-Assery, Part One: The Chris Master's Edition

OK, let's get this part out of the way first, because it remains unchanged: Chris Masters came out, fumbled his way through a promo that nobody in the crowd reacted to, and then opened up his Full Nelson challenge to anybody in the audience. Some guy came in, and failed to escape the full nelson, so this horseshit will almost certainly be reprised next week. Five minutes of our lives we'll never get back.

Two things are kinda different, though: (1) Masters seemed to have been told backstage that "making uncreative jokes about the town you're in will get you cheap heat, which is better than no heat at all." So like a Patented Dumb Guy, he just kept going back to that when he couldn't think of anything else to say. And (2) just when you thought the segment was over, Stevie Richards came out of the crowd to attack Masters. This was in revenge for Masters breaking Stevie's face several months ago. Except that it didn't go so well: Masters beat the crap out of him, and then when Stevie finally got his hands on a steel chair, Masters pussed out and left the ring.

So: this horseshit will almost certainly be reprised next week. If it's not Richards taking this no-talent choad to school and sending him back to OVW to learn something other than how to make a boring-ass, over-choreographed ring entrance, I will continue to not give a shit.

Backstage: Edge is lacing up the boots for his match when, in A Wonder of Hollywood Staging, a Mystery Hand shoots in from off-screen and grabs Edge by the throat. OK: now you're doing this on purpose to piss me off, aren't you, WWE? And I thought that Gewirtz guy was on vacation so somebody with an eye for decent TV might step up to fill his spot. Guess again, huh? Finally, the camera pans back to reveal Kane is the owner of the Mystery Hand, and once that "shocking discovery" is made, Kane is given the cue from off-camera that now he may begin speaking. Annoyingly fake, says I! The gist of Kane's speech is "Don't touch, talk to, or even look at my wife ever again, or else I'll kill you." Kane closes by saying that this is also a bankable note, and then leaves Edge to oversell the throat-grab with some labored wheezing.

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Chris Benoit vs. Tajiri (ECW Rules Match.... Kind Of)

Before the match, we quickly tour the array of ringside weaponry (while the "Theme to ECW" -- and NOT the "Theme to the Rise and Fall of ECW," which is currently Matt Morgan's entrance music, but the REAL old ECW syndicated TV music -- plays in the background). And then both Tajiri and Benoit enter, and we get started.

This is basically some chain wrestling and stiff kicks for a few minutes, what feels like the start of a good, long match. The slower opening moments provide Jerry Lawler with plenty of time to do all his 8-year-old material about "Extremely Crappy Wrestling." Finally, they ramp up the energy when Benoit counters a baseball slide dropkick by flapjacking Tajiri into the steel ringsteps. He puts an outside-the-ring beating on Tajiri, and lays him out on a table. And then Benoit goes and finds a ladder. And Benoit sets the ladder up inside the ring, and gestures as if he's going to go from the top of a ladder inside the ring to Swandive Headbutt Tajiri through a table on the OUTSIDE of the ring. And dammit, there's no way THAT spot is gonna happen, so immediately my metaphorical boner shrivels into a limp noodle. Because I know exactly what's gonna happen.
 
And sho 'nuff, here are Coach and Eric Bischoff to call the match off on the grounds that it was not sanctioned and will never be sanctioned on Eric Bischoff's RAW. I guess a "No Decision" after about 2 minutes?

And like a 10-year-old version of The Me having to watch Ricky Steamboat's throat crushed by Macho Man Savage and feeling genuinely angry at Savage for doing that to my favorite wrestler, I could not stop myself from briefly being markishly furious. You do NOT cock-tease The Rick with visions of Benoit vs. Tajiri, and then take it away! That is simply NOT COOL! 

But I had to get over it, because we have some Important Storyline Developments to introduce here, and they ARE pretty cool, all things considered. Because Bischoff is here not only to put an end to Benoit/Tajiri, but also to announce that there will NEVER be any ECW action sanctioned on his show, that all talk of ECW by wrestlers or fans (including signs) will be forbidden in his building, that the very letters E, C, and W are off limits (note: what do I win for predicting that Matt Hocking would use missing E's, C's, and W's as a gag in the Satire the very instant Bischoff said this? do I get docked points because Matt gave up on it more quickly than I thought? do I win those points back for accurately guessing that the Egyptian Sun God Ra would make a guest appearance?).

And then the big news: Eric Bischoff is also forbidding all RAW superstars from talking to Paul Heyman or appearing on the ECW PPV. Because the only RAW presence at One Night Stand will be Eric Bischoff himself showing up, leading an army of "hand-picked RAW stars" (OK, so Bischoff, Coach, probably Lawler, and who else?) to "shut down" the ECW PPV before it even starts. Interesting: so score one for The Rick... this is exactly what I thought they should do. Except that now that they've made it so clear that Bischoff is gonna be at the PPV, everybody will EXPECT that he'll get ritually humiliated by Paul Heyman. Not only did Heyman always shy away from putting himself in the spotlight on ECW events, but the one thing ECW is not is Predictable. You know how ECW PPVs always had that in-ring promo/angle before the "opening credits" (usually something with Joey and Gertner)? Well, last night, I fantasy booked the PERFECT prelude to One Night Stand. Bischoff and the RAW guys would be emasculated before the opening credits in an entirely more surprising (and hopefully satisfying) fashion, and then it would be On With The Show. 

[OK, you twisted my arm, so I'll share. Picture this: the PPV opens with Heyman/Tazz in the ring -- note, this scenario can be very easily altered if Joey Styles decides he wants a night's worth of work on WWE's dime -- to welcome us to the show. But immediately, Bischoff/Coach/Lawler crash the party to interrupt the Extremely Crappy Wrestling. Various pseudo-shoot mic work related to the WWF/WCW/ECW wars of the 90s can lead up to Heyman and Tazz deciding to defend themselves against the interlopers. This way, you can get Tazz some physicality without booking him in an actual match. Bonus! But Heyman's pretty worthless, and before long, the Numbers Game catches up to the ECW duo. So out to the rescue? Tommy Dreamer. Except that Heyman's still worthless and Tazz has been beaten down, so Dreamer's up against a 3-on-1. He still manages to take out Coach and Lawler with his Innovative Offense, but weasely Bischoff is hanging out in a corner, biding his time. And as soon as he gets a chance, he attacks Dreamer from behind with a Singapore Kane. With Coach, Lawler, Heyman, and Tazz strewn about the ring, it appears as though Eric Bischoff is about to get the last laugh on Tommy Dreamer by caning Tommy's poor nutsac (which still isn't the same since the LAST time WWE invaded ECW). But as Bischoff winds up, we get a patented Lights Out ECW Moment. And when the lights come back up: OH MY GOD, IT'S BEULAH MCGUILLICUTTY. Recalling the night she cost Bill Alfonso 30% of his body's blood supply, she proceeds to be the one to beat the shit out of Bischoff! His ritual humiliation comes at the hands of a girl! A girl! Heyman, Tazz, and Dreamer recover and join Beulah in standing over the corpse of Eric Bischoff. FIN. And cue opening credits, because the show, technically, hasn't even started yet: that's just how ECW used to roll when they were at their best.]

Anyway, I guess the point here is that the best RAW was last night was when they were getting me excited for an ECW show. I wasn't left feeling particularly excited about next Monday night at any point during the night. But I WAS left enthusiastically cooking up plots for June 12. That makes this a Quality Segment, in my book. Even thought they STILL shouldn't have teased me with Benoit/Tajiri like that! That was mean.

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The Rick's Flirtation With One-Sixth-Assery, Part Two: The Useless Divas with Viscera Edition

OK, so first it's a Lingerie Pillow fight between Spaz and Boobies McTitsalot. This was awful, as the two girls managed to somehow display a total lack of coordination or preparation as they bumbled about in their TV-G-rated underthings (probably now available for auction on WWE.com!). I like when women can wrestle, I sure don't mind a little eye candy if it's adequately delicious. But this? Was not wrestling. Was not sexy. So what the fuck? 

The "Match" ends with Christy hitting some improbable roll-up out of nowhere that's primary goal seemed to be place her face in between Candice's spread legs. Sexy? Nope, can't say that it was. Maybe it's kind of like how, against all logic and intellect, it's impossible not to half-watch a girl licking a popsicle or sipping a Long Island Iced Tea through a straw. But if a girl KNOWS you're half-watching and tries to sexy it up, it instantly becomes silly and jokey. Real lesbians: you won't get me to say that ain't hot. But patronizingly vague lesbian overtones designed to plumpen the wangs of 13-year-olds: silly and pointless. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it, cuz I came here for a wrestling show, not the Live Action Version of Maxim Magazine.

And it doesn't get any better: because as soon as the match is over, Spaz and Boobies start hugging and dancing. Although Spaz technically wins, their companionable light petting makes it clear that there are no losers in a lingerie pillow fight! Or wait: maybe two losers. Because in the middle of their celebration, here comes Viscera. He is decked out in a double breasted suit, and enters to a new remix of his theme song. It now has 80% less "Flash Gordon Soundtrack" by Queen, and about 30% more Generic Late 80s Porno! Yee haw?

Here, let's just go one-tenth-assery, because this was awful. And not "so awful it was good," or "entertaining in a trainwreck sort of way." Just bad. Not fun. Should never have been approved for human consumption. Went on at least thrice as long as I would have guessed. Had ZERO redeeming qualities. Here's the abbreviated laundry list of what happened over the next 12-15 minutes:

• Viscera scared off Spaz and Boobies with mention of his prodigious appetite for love. 
• Viscera changed gears and focused on Lillian again, and freaked her out by asking her to join him in the ring, where there was, conveniently enough, a bed (the prop for the pillow fight).
• Viscera paused because one thing was missing from his Ultimate Fantasy: food. So he found some woman at ringside, took her cotton candy, and then, because he's even Dead Sexier than Fat Bastard, he actually makes out with the woman after he takes her food. The fuck? Even if that wasn't just a flat-out disturbing image, aren't you currently trying to work your swerve on Lillian Garcia, who is standing less than 20 feet away?
• In the ring, Viscera lounges on the bed and invites Lillian to join him. She sits on the edge, and never gets closer than 5 feet to Vis. Lillian is not into this.
• Viscera plies Lillian with cotton candy. Of course, I just HAD to pick this week to make the personal revelation about girls and popsicles, didn't I? Or maybe that's just the profeshunal riter thing that I do called foreshadowing... because the piece of cotton candy that Viscera feeds to Lillian is phallic-shaped and pink. Tee hee? Nope, not sexy and also somehow not even silly and funny, either. Just kind of creepy and wrong, as Lillian is still not into this.
• Viscera switches it up and askes for some mood lighting. He gets it. Lillian remains Not Into This. Then Vis asks for some music, and a shitty, Musak/karaoke track version of Barry White's "Can't Get Enough of Your Love" kicks on. And then, dear god, Viscera starts singing. In a society of empty-headed chair-moisteners who actually watch "American Idol" wanting to see the BAD SINGERS, why do I suspect some of you are gonna mail in to tell me how HILARIOUS this was, and how I DON'T GET IT, because it was SUPPOSED TO BE BAD? Screw you. Each and every one of you. If you like watching bad singing, just leave the house and go out to a karaoke bar on Saturday night, and you'll get your fill. Don't tell me I'm supposed to find it amusing when it is presented as entertainment on national television, though. "Because it's SUPPOSED to be bad" is not an excuse; the only time truly awful things became perversely amusing is when they happen by accident. Otherwise, it's just manufactured and lame. Witness how making fun of Maria's stupidity instantly becomes only half-as-much fun when they send her out there to act stupid instead of just letting her do what comes naturally. This is the same thing. This sucked, I don't care if it was supposed to, and if you disagree, you are Part Of The Problem. Quit enduring awfulness and embracing mediocrity, and demand excellence for once, people!
• Strangely, Lillian warms to Viscera's Shitty Singing. Probably because she's one of the ones who watches American Idol in hopes of discovering the next William Hung (or whatever that guy's name is; I know him only as a punchline to late night jokes). She smiles in a come-hither fashion, which is Viscera's cue to reach into his pocket and whip something out: a room key. Whoops: looks like he lost Lillian again with his unsmoothness, because she's scared to death and not into it as she is forced to take the key card. But Viscera: he don't care. He thinks he worked his mojo, and chuckles contendedly as Lillian leaves the ring. Cue up more Barry White to end this spirit-sappingly-bad segment.

There are not words to describe my frustration. This can go nowhere productive. It was not amusing in and off itself. It was simply there, where it sucked long and hard, and for WAY longer than it had any business to. They're trying to play Vis as a comic relief babyface, but it's just not gonna click unless there's a WRESTLING STORYLINE behind his actions. And there haven't been any of those since his date with Trish Stratus. So instead: this is just lame and pointless.

And plus, when they're trying to play it for comic babyfaceishness, the only image *I* had in my head while watching Viscera lounging was that of Jabba the Hutt. Does anyone know if Lillian possesses an Iron Bikini? That visual might make this whole stupid thing worthwhile. 

Or maybe not.

Definitely not.

Backstage: Kane and Lita are talking Game Plan for tonight. And after a discussion, Kane declares that he wants Lita out there at ringside so she can see first hand what he does to Edge. Kane, apparently, is also drinking from the Punchbowl of Dumb, tonight. Doesn't he read the internet? Lita, of course, is one skanky bitch, so even though she already knows she's gonna be ditching her husband, she grants him one last round of enthusiastic grab-ass. Oy. You know, Lita, I know bald heads are sexy as hell, but watch it with the busy hands, OK: you almost poked poor Kane's eye out a few times.

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Video Package: some matches happened and now we have a tournament final of Kane vs. Edge. And I don't recap recaps, so bleh.

Backstage: Chris Jericho is all shower-fresh, dressed-to-the-nines, and happy-go-lucky as Shelton Benjamin approaches him. He wants to know if Jericho's OK. And Jericho's all "Sure, of course, why the hell wouldn't I be?". And Shelton can't help but remind him that he seemed to go into his "own personal Twilight Zone" after losing earlier, and wanted to make sure there weren't any problems. But Jericho assures him that there are no problems. Because it's real hard to get worked up about losing matches when you've accomplished as much in this business as Jericho already has, and when you've got as much going on outside the business as Jericho does. Jericho runs the list (from first undisputed champion to Fozzy's next sold out show in the UK) of things he's accomplished, and says that one little loss won't get him down. He leaves, and Shelton is left with an ambiguous look on his face. Huh.

[Tangent: the "easy" read on that skit is that Jericho's going heel, and this is the start of him playing a variation of the Andy Kaufman "I'm a big star and too good for wrestling" character that has served many well over the past few decades. That Jericho's on his way to becoming a pompous "Huge Rock Star" again... and I admit it: watching RAW last night, the general crappiness of the preceding segment left me in no mood to make anything but the "easy" read. But how about this bOOnus Read, developed last night after the Suck of Viscera had worn off, and in consultation with OO's #1 Jericho Fan, who tends to pay more attention to his skits than even I do...

Basically, it's this: nothing in Jericho's presentation was genuinely heelish. In the match, he was all babyface, all the time. BEFORE the match (remember!) they didn't do anything to sow the seeds of heelishness, as they left out Jericho's non-save on Benjamin from the week before. After the match: the heelish thing to do would have been to rage at Shelton for not being their to break up the pinfall, but Jericho didn't do that, either. And in the backstage skit: there wasn't an over-bearing tone of pomposity or condescension in Jericho's speech. Instead, all his mentions of his accomplishments, if you listen, seem to have a sense of Jericho repressing some self-doubt and rationalizing recent failures. Shelton's reaction is also telling, since he looked more disappointed in Jericho's speech than angry. Now granted, all this still does has Jericho perched precariously: he could go either way. His breakdown and self-doubt could lead to a full-on Eddie-style heel turn. But if they are willing to play it more subtly and psychologically, Jericho's "lovable loserness" could win out, and fans could side with him and want him to get back on his feet and quit making up bullshit excuses about living in the past or focusing on his music. This becomes an increasingly interesting possibility if you have a guy like Shelton -- who again was NOT pissed at Jericho, and who just a few weeks ago showed Jericho huge respect -- be Cheerleader #1 for getting Jericho's head screwed back on straight. And perhaps this is the wrong time to bring this up, but because of Lita, when Trish comes back, she's gonna be a babyface, too. And probably looking for a guy she can trust to keep the Visceras and Edges of the world at bay. I'm just saying is all. Lots of options here for the Rehabilitation of Babyface Jericho. Something you oughta keep in mind as you no doubt slum it around other lazy websites who all just latch onto the "heel turn" elements of Jericho's skit here... but you all know me: I don't like the obvious, the lazy, and the simple: this alternate interpretation of Jericho's speech avoids all that by actually writing a character who is fully-formed and complex and laden with relatable angst, instead of a cookie-cutter "rock star." Of course, now that I've mentioned this, it won't happen this way at all.] 

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Hurricane/Rosey vs. Simon Dean/Maven (Tag Title Match)

Ugh. OK, so here is where Stacy came out in an outfit no sexier or more revealing than what we're used to from her wardrobe. I think it might actually have just been one of her usual wrestling gear outfits, with some tinfoil added. Oh, and now she's also wearing a mask. And for whatever reason, that's Lawler's cue to be an even more single-minded retard than usual.

Made it real hard to focus on the match or remember much in the way of detail. Of course, the match itself made it hard to remember much in the way of detail. If the opener was formulaic-but-effective, this one was formulaic-and-extremely short. Rosey starts, does some fat man offense. Tags in Hurricane. Heels immediately cheat to gain the advantage. They eventually settle in with a chinlock on Hurricane, who dutifully fires up. Lukewarm tag to Rosey, who comes in a House Amild. When, in the chaos, he gets caught on the short-end of a 2-on-1 attack, Stacy turns around and shakes her ass in the general direction of Maven and Simon. Both are distracted long enough for Rosey to regain the edge. Simon powdered out, leaving Maven to take the double-team finisher for the champs (the half-side-slam/half-elbow-drop thingie). If it was much more than 3 minutes, I'll eat a bug. The word "meh" was invented for matches like this one.

SmackDown! Rebound: I still don't recap recaps.

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Out with the Bad, In with the Even Worse Theatre

OK, so we've got just two segments left, and I'm starting to believe we won't see Triple H, afterall. But just as my spirits start to rise... GODFUCKING DAMMIT, it's "The Theme From Dumb Guy." I told you the stupidity quotient seemed incongruously high all over RAW tonight. Take away Triple H, add in Randy Orton? That's a fucking wash at best; definitely nothing gained, and possibly something lost.

So: Young Randall Orton returns to TV, sporting an unfortunate new haircut. Remember Randy, you went AWOL and got dishonorably discharged from the military: getting your old haircut years after the fact doesn't make you any less of a douchebag!

Here's something else that annoys me: Orton was a heel at WM21. Then he got a Pure Babyface Vignette the week after WM21 when he got operated on. Now he comes out to the ring and gets a babyface pop. But then Randy starts speaking and immediately starts acting like a heel again. The fuck, WWE? PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT! It is not hard to do so...

Orton's Main Point here tonight: everybody's been asking him about the Draft Lottery, and wants to know what's gonna happen, will he be going to SD!? And Orton quickly declares that he'd love to be a part of the Draft, but he won't be, because he's on the injured list and thus not eligible. This sets him up for a riff blaming his injury on the Undertaker and Batista...

And that, in turn, sets him up to badmouth Taker (saying that Taker will "pull some strings" to stay on SD!, far away from the Legend Killer), and to promise that when he gets healthy, his plan is to take out his frustrations on Batista. So he wants Batista to keep the belt warm, so that Orton can take it from him personally, and he'll do it right here on RAW, since he's going nowhere. Boo.

But at that last claim, the familiar strains of "No Chance in Hell" fire up, and here's Vince McMahon power-strutting out to the ring. He grabs a mic, and immediately proceeds to say some things that I just know are Vince's idea of a sense of humor, but which absolutely nobody cares about: he makes fun of Orton for having lost a ton of weight (since he's hurt, he can't train). And dammit, there's a lot of things I'll make fun of Randy Orton about, but this ain't one of them. But this is the sort of pointless thing that Vince McMahon considers important, because just look at how huge he still is even after HIS own stint on the disabled list! (Whee: Vince McMahon pumps iron even when hurt! That makes him clearly a better person than everybody else! And not just some guy who is trying to make up for some gaping void or insecurity by Being Huge! not at all! that bodybuilder stereotype holds no water! not ever!) Vince also does get a laugh out of me by also deciding to make a joke about Orton's haircut. Albeit not a joke as funny as mine.

Vince also has a real point here, which is that EVERYBODY is eligible for the draft, even Orton. Orton, who is clearly smart enough to realize that RAW is still generally the more watchable of the 2 WWE brands and doesn't want to leave, does not like this, and pitches a minor hissy fit. He declares that Vince better remember who he's talking to, because Orton is the future of this business, and he's the man who is going to make more money for Vince than John Cena and Batista combined. Sadly, Vince does not say what I would have, which would have been, "Oh, really? Then how's about you, me, and my accountant go look at the receipts from last summer and fall, Floppy O'Boxoffice!".

Instead, Vince just re-cycles Orton's basic riff about "who you're talking to," and remind Randall that no matter which brand he ends up on, the ring is still owned by Mr. McMahon, so he'd better watch it. Oh great: Randall will be the next Steve Austin? Because here, as if we needed another incongruous flip-flop, Vince seemed to have left the realm of Good Humor and Joking, and was trying to play a bit of a heel so that Orton seemed like the Big Babyface. It makes no fricking sense. 

Vince closed by finally announcing some of the details of the Draft Lottery. It begins in 3 weeks, and it will last for the entire month of June, with superstars from each brand crossing over. No mechanism for picks was announced, but Vince brought it home by promising that it would be the Most Amazing Thing Ever In Wrestling. No unreasonable expecations here! So hit Vince's Music, and we're out.

I guess Orton was basically only here to be a prop for Vince. And at that, he excelled: he said nothing particularly interesting or important (other than declaring he didn't want to go to SD!, which of course means that WWE has probably come to its senses and WILL send him to SD!), but he said it without fumbling any lines or defying logical causality. This was here so Vince could announce the Draft Lottery details, and I guess Mission Accomplished. I'm not sanguine about a "month long draft" when I thought the one-night and accompanying "24 hour trade window" were really cool devices last year, but I'll play "wait and see" on this till we here more about the specifics.

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Kane vs. Edge (Gold Rush Tournament Final)

Kane's accompaniment: Lita and a crutch. Edge's: a briefcase. Advantage (if you've been paying attention): Edge.

From the opening bell, this was all Kane. Less than 30 seconds into the slobberknockering, JR actually said, "If I were you, I wouldn't leave to go fix a sandwich, cuz this one might not last long." Big boots, punchy-stompy, clotheslines, you know the drill from Kane. He was playing the ostensible babyface, but the crowd (other than sporadic chants for Matt Hardy) was flatter than... umm, Boobies McTitsalot before she met with the doctor? I don't know, this recap is running long despite my promises of fractional-assery, and I still need to go to get dinner and some beers before the Pacers game, so no sitting around crafting A-caliber jokes for you!

Kane's one-sided thrashing of Edge continued for about 4 minutes, and he eventually trapped Edge in a corner, and started choking away on him. When the ref tried to break it, Kane actually turned and threatened the ref, who went scurrying halfway across the ring. This opened the door for Edge to drop down and give Kane a reliable ol' uppercut to the testicles. Then Edge tossed Kane outside the ring. So while Edge recovered, and while Kane writhed in the throes of much man-pain, we check our final....

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Back, and Edge is working a leglock. A handy "During the Break" clip shows us why: Edge clipped Kane with a low dropkick to the knee, and has been working on it ever since. Kane gets a rope break on the initial leglock pretty quickly, but this is just the start of about 3 minutes of Edge controlling the match by attacking the knee. In the ring, out at ringside, wherever: all Edge has to do is issue one stomp to the knee, and Kanes back on the ground, his leverage and power advantages lost, as JR helpfully notes.

Edge, like all courteous heels should, eventually relented on the all-out assault and went back to a resthold (a different kind of leglock) so that Kane could fire up. In this case, Kane powered out using his good leg to bludgeon Edge across the face a few times. Kane's babyface comeback then proceeded to play to what could charitably be called "little to no fan reaction." After a couple minutes, he did get one convincing near fall (after plastering Edge with an uppercut as Edge foolishly tried to come off the top ropes), but that's really all I'm remembering in terms of fans getting excited during this juncture. I think they all knew what I did: that this thing would end until Lita did something.

Edge eventually short-circuited Kane's rally with the move that I refuse to call the Edge-u-cution. Or was Erin right last week, and I should refuse to call it the Edge-u-cator? Although I thought the Edge-u-cator was the lame name for a submission move? Or maybe we're both wrong and this is the move that shan't be referred to as the Edge-o-matic? Doesn't matter: they're all three quite stupid. Let's all of us just agree to use them ever again, unless it is done mockingly... in any case, the move puts both guys flat on the mat, and signals that we are entering End Game.

Lot's of back and forth and a few near falls that FINALLY start to have some sizzle to them.  Edge, especially, seems close on a few ocassions, and inches towards "pulling his own hair out" mode again. But neither man can score the decisive blow... so the fight continues until.... REF BUMP! Kane accidentally collided with the ref, and Edge immediately followed up by Spearing the woozy Kane. But no ref means no pinfall. Instead, Edge went to Plan B: the Briefcase Deathblow.

But while Edge is fetching the briefcase, Kane has time to recover, and intercepts Edge with a Big Boot. The briefcase goes flying to ringside, where Lita IMMEDIATELY scampers over to fetch it, and clutch he to her chest as if to say, "Don't worry, honey, I won't let that jerkface Edge have this ever again." So Kane smiles, and decides it's time to finish Edge off with a top rope clothesline. An odd choice, but it's the one that allows an anvil to drop down upon us, as Lita immediate flings the briefcase back into the ring for Edge and then hops up on the apron to "wish Kane luck," or something (I dunno, it seemed every bit as awkward and ill-timed as portions of Christian/Flair, actually). The distraction was unnecessary, though. Edge already had the briefcase and was ready.

As soon as Kane pounced from the top rope, Edge turned and whacked him in the head with the briefcase. The ref, no doubt awakened by the cracking noise but lacking the intellectual curiosity to wonder what might have caused it, came to and counted three. Edge wins 10-12 minute match, and will have the first of what will be at LEAST 2 shots at Batista's title next week on RAW. 

The first 8 minutes of this thing were not very exciting at all, and this whole thing built up to the Lita turn at the end. Which, unfortunately, was about the least surprising surprise since Batista powerbombed Triple H, and as an added bonus, was only about 8% as satisfying as that moment. Not exactly a thrilling way to end a not-exactly-thrilling night. Oh but wait there's more....

After the Match: Edge and Lita embrace, making it clear this was a master plan of theirs all along. And thus, WWE had better hope to hell fans buy Kane as the surrogate for Matt Hardy. Making matters worse, Edge and Lita head up the ramp and wait till Kane does the zombie sit-up. Then, and ONLY then, do they decide to make out. For two people who've apparently been doing this together for at least several months, they're not very good at it. Or maybe that was the idea: that wasn't real making out. That was "fuck you, Kane" making out. In which case: job well done. This continues, quite sloppily, for just long enough that JR seems on the cusp of exploding at the horrifying awfulness of it all before we fade to black.