In this case, both shows had plenty of satisfying little 

And you folks know me: once I get attached to one of my own ideas, I have a hard time seeing the wisdom of somebody else's.

I mean, on "24," I kinda thought it'd be interesting-as-hell to shake up the series by having the season end with Jack in a Chinese prison camp. I came up with a whole bunch of ideas for how you'd end this season and how you could start next season, back about three weeks ago. I thought it'd make for an interesting twist, not just in terms of the types of story/action you would have INSTANTLY started anxiously awaiting for next season, but also just for Jack's character after he's been beaten down and convinced himself he just might be an evil asshole. But instead, just as it seems we're about to go that route: we get the semi-silly tag ending of Jack not being noble and just faking his own death so that he can disappear into a secret identity, never to be seen again. A little too cheap, a little too tidy, and a little to anticlimactic given all the fun stuff that preceded it. Issue #1: the Chinese can't be THAT stupid, can they? And Issue #2: this ending was a lot more heart-wrenching the first 50 times I saw it. When I was 5-6 years old, and much more gullible. On the old Incredible Hulk TV show. Seriously, why they didn't just go full-bore and shell out for the Lonely Walking Away Music is beyond me. The last 5 minutes of the show stole everything else from Formula Bill Bixby Ending #1...

And with RAW: obviously, Triple H coming out at the end of the show to attack Batista was utterly unnecessary. RAW ditched another 3-4 weeks of potentially compelling episodic TV in order to get Triple H back on TV. Wheee. No giving fans a chance to believe in Ric Flair. No giving Batista a chance to either (a) be manipulated by a Cerebral Assassination, or (b) possibly figure things out on his own (and in either case, by being the Actual Centerpiece of the Show, his character gains). No following up on the Batista/Flair vs. Christian/Tomko matches (or the possible Batista/Flair/Kane vs. Christian/Edge/Tomko match that could follow from that).... in short, none of the things that made Batista/Flair interesting the last two weeks will continue, because WWE felt the need to throw aside a months worth of storyline in the span of 2 minutes last night by having Triple H be the completely unwelcome "tag" on a show that would have left me a LOT more excited about last week if it had ended without him.

See how easily I can do that? It's a gift, I tells ya, a gift. If I can make a compelling case for striking similarities between Triple H and a Long Island Iced Tea, is it any wonder I can draw parallels between "24" and RAW on consecutive weeks? The Big Brain: it never rests, and it likes to synthesize, people. And a winner is you.

And a winner is you for another reason: because I really am kind of a hacky dilettante when it comes to "24," and my genuine expertise is limited to wrestling, which I've actually been watching for longer than 5 months. So let's can the theoretical overview and just get to the part of the recap where I actually, you know?, recap RAW....

Video Package: Last week, stuff happened. Lita turned on Kane and helped Edge beat him. If you were surprised by this, please report back to the third grade.

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live from Frozen Tundra of Somewhere Proximate to Lambeau Field, in Green Bay, WI. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler want us to know that in addition to a Huge World Title Match tonight, we'll also be getting a tag team rematch: Shelton and Jericho vs. Hassan and Daivari. But first...

Edge and Lita: The Attempted Explanationing

Edge (with briefcase) and Lita (without crutch) hit the stage, and it doesn't take long before we see exactly where this is headed: the two kids can't keep their hands off each other. And I'm torn: on one hand, this is EXACTLY the kind of annoying archetype that I'd advocated for the Randy/Stacy couple a few months ago... because I'm convinced that nobody sane has any affinity for Public Displays of Affection, and this is an easy button to press to get cheap heat. SO in that way, it's good. But in another: look, it only serves to remind everybody of what Edge and Lita REALLY did, and that's something that doesn't inspire me to boo. It inspires me to just not want to give the couple the satisfaction of caring all that much the onscreen, fake version of their real world transgressions. It's hard to explain, but it really is a case of six of one, and half a dozen of another.

Also making it real hard to just appreciate the on-screen element: Jim Ross' commentary, which is comically indignant, and which, at every turn, manages to leave out the name "Kane" so that you don't know for sure exactly whose heart Lita broke or who Edge might have screwed over. It's an odd choice by WWE, to say the least; they've usually been very savvy about which backstage things to turn into onscreen storylines (much more so than WCW ever was, anyway), so we'll have to see if it takes. But for as long as Matt Hardy is the most-popular babyface in the Edge vs. Kane feud (as he was on this night), I simply re-assert all the things I've said about this maybe not being such a great idea.

And back on topic: Lita actually starts out the promo. In a lot of ways, I think she's attempting to channel Trish Stratus, but coming up just a few tinches short. Like: the low-rise jeans, but without as shapely a rump contained therein, the ass cleavage was sadly absent. Or the attempts to pause and directly retort the crowd when they got vocal. That's alot more fetching when the crowd isn't right. But kudos to Lita for at least being enthusiastic and blunt about her sluttiness. She admitted, outright, to using Kane. She admitted that while he followed her around like a puppydog, he was nothing but a tool for her to use against Trish Stratus or whoever she wanted, because she never forgave him for [long passage that made the HORRIBLE mistake of recycling the Summer of Suck from last year deleted for your protection]. And all the while, she was cheating on Kane with a Real Man, Edge. 

And on cue, Edge steps up for a little more Hands On Action as he grabs the mic in one hand and Lita in the other. Edge has a theory: that everybody's jealous of Lita and him. Because of their looks, their success... and further, when fans call Lita a "slut," he doesn't care... because she's only a slut with him. OK, so that's actually a funny line. Or maybe I'm just flashing back to a toolbox I knew in college who used to always say the thing about his girlfriend. I dunno.

Edge then moves on to tonight's business, and says that he's proven himself time and time again against the best in WWE, and tonight, once he gets done with Batista, he won't only have the girl... he'll have the World Heavyweight Title. Hit Edge's DoucheRock theme song, as the Horny Couple leave the ring. Giving JR another opportunity to make further angry comments about the evil actions of the pair, comments that again magically manage to avoid mentioning the name "Kane."

Alright: in terms of constructing a particularly logical or compelling background for Lita turn, this was a failure in terms of timeline and continuity... nothing was accomplished that made me go, "Oh, this makes perfect sense." But the enthusiasm with which the nothing was accomplished? That was probably a win. Both Edge and Lita were really over the top and hammy here: and in a company that's having huge troubles creating characters that have more than one-dimension (and then exhibit the same consistent multi-dimensions for more than 2 weeks in a row), I'll take the over-the-top archetype. Is that a back-handed enough way of saying, "It didn't do much for me, but I can see how it'll work on the majority of fans"?  I hope so....

Backstage: even if JR refuses to mention he's the jilted lover, Kane *is* here tonight. And he's sitting in a darkened room, possibly with a TV in front of him where he would have just seen the previous promo, and is quietly rocking back and forth. Prediction: when you're already busting out the cheesy lighting and Kane acting like a mental patient, this will NOT end well.

[ads]

Backstage: Eric Bischoff is talking to some Production Assistant, making a few requests for an "ECW Funeral" that he'll be presiding over later tonight. But Shelton Benjamin shows up and needs to talk to Eric. So Bischoff dismisses the PA so he can get to work... Shelton's complaint: Chris Jericho has arrived at the building yet, so Benjamin wants to know what's gonna happen to his scheduled tag match against Hassan and Daivari. Bischoff? Could not care less. If Jericho's not here, it's a tough break for Shelton, who will simply have to wrestle it as a Handicap Match. And now, Young Shelton, shoo, since GM Eric Bischoff has more important business to tend to, what with ECW's funeral and a draft and all. Bischoff, ever the uber-dick, doesn't bother realizing his very own IC Champ is in the room as he declares, "Wow, that John Cena, I'd sure love to get him over here on RAW; I gotta figure out how to swing that. That'd be great." And Shelton, apparently man enough to NOT take instructions from Idiot Segment Producers, avoids doing the patented lame-ass Batista Leave And Come Back To Deliver A Shitty Punchline Move... instead, Shelton just stands there, doesn't miss a beat, and much more naturally retorts with "Yeah, that would be great. But not as great as you going over to SmackDown!." The tag "assface" was unspoken, but implied. Nice.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari (Handicap Match)

Defying the odds, Shelton managed to control the opening minute or so of the contest. Helping matters: Daivari started for his team, and is obviously the Beta Male of the two Ay-rabs. But then after that played itself out, Hassan interfered illegally, Daivari tagged him in legally, and the standard formula kicked in.

Hassan just went to town on Shelton for another minute or two. Crowd was way behind Shelton, too, which was cool. After a particularly crisp snap suplex, Hassan was feeling pretty good about himself. Daivari was feeling good, too, and put his hand out for a tag. In a moment that for some reason just seemed kinda a cool minor detail, Hassan actually gave us kind of a "Are you sure? You think you can handle this?" before he semi-grudgingly tagged Daivari in. Hassan's suspicions were immediately borne out, as the instant Daivari approached Shelton, Benjamin reversed a move into a slingshot suplex. And oh yeah, I beat Jim Ross to the "Shades of Tully Blanchard" line by about 5 seconds.... you're getting slow, JR!

Without the benefit of a resthold, Benjamin began firing up on Daivari, eventually forcing Hassan to enter the ring to try to save his man-servant. But that didn't work out so well, and Shelton clotheslined Hassan out of the ring. But would the mere distraction be enough to give Daivari an opening to hit a bit move? Umm: as it turns out, nope. Instead, the very effective heat sequence for Shelton continues as he goes to town on Daivari. A minute or so later, Hassan re-interjects himself into things, and Shelton turns his attention to Muhammad. This time, the distraction DOES pay dividends: while Shelton and the ref are distracted, Daivari goes out to grab a steel chair.

And when the ref and Shelton spy the chair, they immediately turn their attention to him. Meantime, Hassan is gathering his wits. The ref eventually seems to be taking care of Daivari, so Shelton turns back to Hassan.... and walks right into the Flatliner. D'oh. The ref tosses the chair out of the ring and turns around just in time to see Daivari (the legal man) covering Shelton for the 1-2-3. Probably in the 5-6 minute range, and I gotta say that after starting out pretty formula, Shelton rather-extended rally was very well executed, and then they did a fine job getting to the necessary finish.

[ads]

Backstage: Chris Jericho arrives at the arena, and Tough Questions Todd Grisham is there to greet him in the parking garage. Jericho tries to brush him off, because he's got a match tonight, Junior. But when Grisham tells Jericho that his match is already over, and Benjamin lost it wrestling by himself? Jericho is significantly less-than-peeved. He says it's no big deal, since Shelton's still the IC Champ, and he's sure he doesn't care about one little loss. But to make it up to his fans, he tells Todd to tell Eric Bischoff that he's willing to face anyone tonight in a singles match since "Jericho Equals Ratings." Todd's not willing to let it drop so easily, though, and as Jericho's trying to escape asks if he feels even a LITTLE bit guilty about screwing over Shelton. Jericho, it turns out, isn't too upset about it: he refuses to feel guilty about having a life outside of wrestling, and if he had some Fozzy business to tend to and let time get away from him, that's just something people are gonna have to deal with. This interview? Is over.

Elsewhere Backstage: Christian and The Lovely Miss Tomko are reviewing the SmackDown! roster, and quickly come to the conclusion that it could use a "Charisma Bypass." Getting singled out for special mockery tonight: John Cena and Mark Jindrak. Mark Jindrak? Yep. Christian and his valet are having a jolly good laugh at Jindrak's expense when in walk Edge and Lita. Hmmmm... Christian wants to know what they want. Edge spells it out pretty clearly: you see, he's got two title shots. And if he wins the belt in his first try tonight, he won't need the second on that's stored In The Bank. So maybe if somebody wanted to lend a hand tonight in his match versus Batista, and if that hand-lending resulted in Edge winning the World Title, the Title Shot In the Bank could be easily transferable to somebody of Edge's choosing. If you get Edge's drift. Christian DOES get Edge's drift, and it appears as those we have an unspoken agreement in place for later tonight...

[ads]

Chris Masters vs. Stevie Richards

As with all things Masters, I shall do my Very Best Shitty job of recapping here. Because I think it's funny when my recapping matches the caliber of the content of the show! So here:

Chris Masters squashes Stevie Richards in about 90 seconds. Absolutely nothing interesting happened.

FIN.

Backstage: Grisham is in GM Eric Bischoff's office, passing along Jericho's message from earlier. Bischoff is none-too-pleased about Jericho dictated who equals ratings, but he'll deal with that later. For now, Bischoff has another assignment for Intrepid Reporter Todd Grisham: Bischoff wants him to interview Kane. "Oh, and Todd: don't be afraid to ask the...... Tough Questions!" Don't worry, Eric: that is, afterall, his OO-approved nickname.

[ads]

Hype: the Diva Search 2005 casting call has closed, and we have assorted pictures of numerous aspiring models and failed actresses to show you! Of note: the Official Theme Song for this year's Diva Search won't be as cool (or appropriate) as last year. Instead of "Walk Idiot Walk" by the Hives, WWE has selected a new AudioSlave track. In this case, they've picked "Be Yourself," which actually kind of blows. Quick question for somebody who might know: which is the actual first single off that record? Because last week, a friend told me it was this lame "Be Yourself" one, but then when the band was on Kimmel, they played "Yer Time is Now" (I think that's the title)  instead, which was an entirely superior track and slightly more representative of the album as a whole. What gives? Don't make me watch MTV to find out which is the actual "radio single," people, please, I'm beggin' ya....

Chris Jericho vs. Sylvain Grenier

Let's see: Grenier actually gets out of the gates fast, giving JR and King ample opportunity to talk about how Jericho is distracted, and it's not just affecting his perception of time, but now it's affecting the quality of his ring work.... huh: I got it! Jericho's not gonna turn heel and be a "huge rock star." Nor will they do the more subtle "Jericho on the verge of a breakdown" gimmick. Instead: JERICHO is JEFF HARDY! The tardiness, the distracted ring work, it all fits. Except that Jericho's music is about one trillion times less gay than Jeff's.

Anyway, the Generic Grenier Beatdown continues for about 2 minutes, but ends when he tries locking Jericho in the Torture Rack, which merely allows Jericho to escape and begin his babyface rally. All the usual spots lead up to an attempted Lionsault, but Grenier gets the knees up, and seems like he's regained control of the match. But after a little too much showboating, Grenier apparently decided he needed to go to the top rope, so he stepped out onto the apron. Which is when Jericho leapt to his feet, catlike, and hit Grenier with the Doublejump Dropkick. And then, in complete defiance of the known laws of physics, that impact somehow caused Grenier to tumble back INTO the ring. Whoa. Somebody alert Brian Greene, and other top theorists: Newton was a hack, and this proves it. Only the seeming randomness of quantum mechanics can explain this remarkably implausible outcome!

After Grenier's magical ability to fall into an impact left him in the center of the ring, Jericho quickly took advantage and locked in the Walls of Jericho for a submission win. Maybe 3 minutes. And more about telling a story about Jericho's character than about being a particularly exciting match: but on that former front, probably pretty successful.

After the Match: Shelton Benjamin dragged himself out to the ring, and got a mic. He wants to know where Jericho was at. Jericho pleads "Fozzy Business," and reiterates his comments from earlier: that one loss ain't so big a deal, and that with so much on his plate outside of wrestling, things like this are bound to happen from time to time. So Shelton might just want to get used to it. Like all the fans are used to it, because Y2J notes that "No matter what, the Jericholics are all still behind me." Which actually does get him a few boos. It also gets a confused/frustrated look from Shelton as Jericho Leaves the Building...

[ads]

Cross-Promotional Summit Theatre: The Five Years Too Late For It To Actually Be Significant Edition

With the ring draped in black, and with a Wreath of Barbed Wire (with the ECW logo in the middle) in the background, Eric Bischoff began speaking about ECW. For the uninitiated (and for fans who have come into the fold in the last 4 years), he gave his version of history: that ECW was an upstart promotion that ran shows in a Bingo Hall, and that fashioned itself as a group of renegades who broke all the rules and re-invented pro wrestling. But all they were was a minor league promotion. And when Eric Bischoff came calling, all their stars would take his money to come work for the "vastly superior" WCW.

Bischoff says that he, and he alone, killed ECW, and he's proud of it. And now that he's seeing these ads for an ECW PPV, this "funeral" is Bischoff's way of declaring that he will kill it again. Because he and a group of hand-picked RAW superstars will show up and put an end to One Night Stand. And nobody can stop them... not Sandman, not Dreamer, not Sabu, not anyone. So, entering Eulogy Mode: "From ashes to ashes, and dust to dust...."

But wait: NOBODY can stop Eric Bischoff? Bzzt. Out comes Vince McMahon to interrupt Bischoff's closing comments. Once Vince gets to the ring, Bischoff timidly asks, "So I guess you're here to join me in a few Final Thoughts about ECW?". But Vince isn't. In fact, Vince declares that he has a vested interest in the success of the ECW PPV. Bischoff is confused, but Vince is happy to explain: because while Bischoff was "raping" ECW, Vince and WWE were secretly helping the promotion. Because Vince thought that the stars of ECW might some day become the superstars of WWE, and he was right. He names a few big names, and even takes special joy in pointing out how Eric foolishly fired Steve Austin, allowing Austin to reinvent himself in ECW before coming to the attention of WWE, where Austin helped Vince kick Bischoff's ass. Zing.

Further, Vince has an on-going financial interest in ECW.... because when the group went bankrupt at the hands of WCW, ECW owed Vince McMahon over half-a-million dollars in loans, money that Vince never recouped. Money that, if Vince wanted to lay blame, it's ERIC BISCHOFF's fault that WWE lost. So Vince is the one placing ECW ads on RAW TV. Vince is the one who will continue to do what he can to make One Night Stand a viable PPV event. And finally: Vince is also the man who enjoyed the ECW product enough that he wants to re-do the match that Eric Bischoff robbed the fans of last week.... so coming up next: Chris Benoit vs. Tajiri in an ECW Rules Match! OK: for one week, I love Vince McMahon again. 

Then Vince went on a delicious little, if tangential, riff about how he doesn't think ECW is nearly as dead as Eric Bischoff believes. As if on cue, and absolutely thunderous "EC-Dub" chant starts out. Vince lets 'em have it, and then says that a "dead" company would have those chants in every arena that WWE visits all over the entire world. And further: even if ECW has been "dead" for a few years, One Night Stand could mark a resurrection. And in fact, now that Vince thinks about it, there is only one brand of wrestling that is totally dead. Eric Bischoff was squirming uncomfortably as Vince worked his way up to declaring that WCW is dead and buried, never to return again. And to just be a dick, Vince makes it perfectly clear that he's proud to take credit for being the man who killed WCW. Kind of a self-serving tangent, sure: unless this was somehow intending to plant the seeds for Bischoff showing up at the ECW PPV with Sting, Lex Luger, and Bill Goldberg, this had no storyline purpose. But that didn't mean it wasn't fun to watch a GOOD choice of "backstage drama" woven into a wrestling storyline.

And now: Vince may take credit for WWE's success and for killing WCW... but he can't really take credit for any of ECW's success, and he can't speak for ECW. So to bring this segment home, he figures he'll bring out the one man who CAN speak for ECW: Paul Heyman. Big pop and more "EC-Dub" chants. Paul immediately notes the significance of himself, Vince, and Bischoff all standing in the same ring. He fails to note that it would have been about a thousand times more significant 5 years ago, but whatever... it's still a neat little conclave. Proving that he's more than happy to bite the hand that feeds him, Heyman actually addresses VINCE first, saying, "Just remember: you might own ECW, now, but I CONTROL ECW." To which Vince responds with a curiously conciliatory expression; that's odd, but it DOES help paint the picture that Vince really does want ECW to succeed and to succeed as its old self and NOT as a pale WWE-operated imitation.

But then Heyman turns his attention to Bischoff. And he doesn't spare the whip. He makes it clear that Bischoff has short-changed ECW. It wasn't just about the brawling and garbage wrestling. It was also about the cruiserweights; who Eric Bischoff stole and claimed credit for. It was about the scientific style exhibited by Benoit and Guerrero; which Bischoff stole and took credit for. It was about involving the audience in the show, it was about not knowing what would happen next, and oh yeah, sometimes Bischoff's right and it WAS about barbed wire and flaming tables. Throughout this whole rant, Heyman was masterful in his pacing and EVERY time he had reason to use the initials "ECW," the crowd couldn't help but to sing along with him. That's good mic work. Closing out: Heyman said he doesn't care if Bischoff wants to bring himself and some friends to the show... in fact, he invites them to check out the original source material from which Bischoff stole half his ideas. Huge "EC-Dub" chant at that, for which Heyman takes a moment to thank the crowd.

Before things can get any more heated, Vince steps in and says that while he does support ECW, he also has plenty of financial interest in RAW, too. So he supports both men, and both products. But he also thinks it's a great idea if RAW wants to show up at the ECW PPV. Because if there's one thing Vince likes more than money, it's a good fight. So with Vince's sanction to continue the hostilities, Heyman again threatens Bischoff. Bischoff, also emboldened by Vince's stated desire for a good fight, talks big back at Heyman. But Heyman gets the last laugh, and says that if RAW wants to start something with ECW, the only thing Bischoff might have started is "a fire that you can't put out." And with that, Heyman sets the barbed wire wreath on fire in a completely unnecessary, cheesy-ass visual to end the otherwise unbelievably awesome segment.

Again: go back to my Theme of the Night. You had one Excellent Ending right there, but instead, they went for the sucky tag. This should have ended with Vince saying he looked forward to the fight and may the best man win. Instead, they went about 45 seconds too long, and ended the segment with denouement instead of with the climax. Lame.

[ads]

Hey, Look, It's Stone Cold: Except not. Just some pointless asskissery in the form of a big, fluffy advertisement for "The Longest Yard," featuring a cameo by Steve Austin. Yippee.

Chris Benoit vs. Tajiri (ECW Rules Match)

Benoit is barely out onto the stage when Tajiri strikes from behind with a kendo stick... the fight makes its way to the ring, where Benoit manages to wrest control of the kendo stick away from Tajiri. But before he can use it: Tajiri hits him with the blinding green mist. It's all legal. But instead of following up, Tajiri spends the next minute going around the ring, collecting plunder to use on Benoit. Dammit Tajiri: instead of looking for more plunder, you should have been USING SOME. Because as soon as Tajiri actually gets back in the ring, Benoit's had time to get his wits back about him. He snatches Tajiri and hits him with two separate Hattricks of Germans. And then he locks in the Crippler Crossface. When Tajiri goes for the kendo stick (instead of for a rope break), Benoit actually takes the kendo stick, and uses it as he cinches it across Tajiri's face for a modified Crossface. Tajiri taps out immediately. OK, so that last spot was kinda creative, but the grand total: less than 2 minutes.

And allow me a rant: you give a Chris Masters segment 4-5 minutes. You've got Viscera coming up later in a segment that lasted over 10 minutes and is absolutely indefensible from any perspective. You're trying to convince fans that ECW matches are special and worth paying for, and you serve up THIS, a 2 minute match with even LESS action than the aborted Benoit/Tajiri match for last week. How is this good for ECW? How is it good for RAW? And how fucking easy would it be to just axe the Viscera and Masters crap, give another 6-7 minutes to Benoit/Tajiri so that fans are left saying "Wow, I need to see this ECW PPV,"  and then use whatever's left over so that Christian gets more than a 60 second cameo on the night? The answer: very easy. Unless you're WWE and you're intent on serving up garbage. So frustrating...

[ads]

Backstage: Batista is warming up for his title defense. In walks Ric Flair, who is uncharacteristically reserved. Because what Flair wants to say is hard for him after 30 years of being "Naitch." It's heartfelt. Because he's appreciative for what Batista did for him the week before, and he just wants to shake Batista's hand and show respect to the champ. Batista graciously accepts. Flair wished Batista luck later tonight, and that was that.

Elsewhere Backstage: Todd Grisham has located Kane, and stands as far away as possible as he asks about Edge and Lita's actions last week. Kane is still rocking back and forth like a mental patient, and muttering to himself about maggots and crap... finally he snaps out of it long enough to go into a cheesy, over-the-top soliloquy. "Pain has always been my friend," he says. But not THIS pain. THIS pain is his enemy, and it hurts so much that he wants to be rid of it. Kane begins crying and whimpering as he starts shouting "I don't want this pain, get it off me" and starts acting like he's covered in imaginary bugs. Oy. Finally Kane settles down and says that he wants to get rid of this pain and go back to giving pain to others. So he suggests that Todd leave him alone, now. Todd is happy to comply. Easily trumping Edge and Lita earlier, Kane was chomping scenery like a Master Thesbian here. Really lame, stupid, and cheesy if you ask me. Ask someone else, and maybe it's "campy." I dunno. But you just know how I get: I like my wrestling characters to act like real, rational people to whom I can relate. Kane: not acting real or rational in the least. He's a cartoon caricature of "broken-hearted insanity." And I couldn't, personally, care any less. Plus: I think the creative team must be retarded if they thought having Kane cry on national TV was a good idea. Matt Hardy was already the biggest babyface in this storyline, and they just made matters worse, as Kane got booed for weeping. Or hey, maybe I misread that: maybe they were booing how fake and cheesy the segment was, and not so much booing Kane for crying. I dunno. I'm quite confident that some with a higher Camp Quotient than I will not mind this segment, but I still gotta be me....

[ads]

Backstage: Kane decides to leave the building, and walks out into the cold, dark, lonely night. Hey, if I'm doing the Overriding Theme of the Night gimmick, this would have been ANOTHER perfect spot for the Lonely Walking Away Music!

Simply Known As The Suck

Viscera, Maria the Mic Stand, Lillian Garcia, and the Coach wasted 10 minutes of our time. Wade Keller contacted me with the following shitty recap of the shitty segment:

• Maria pretended to be stupid (not surprisingly, she's not nearly as good at acting stupid as she is at being stupid), and interviewed Vis with some lame questions about Lillian.
• Lillian got in the ring, and it was revealed that she didn't go to Vis' hotel room last week.
• So Vis did a strip tease. I'm not making this up: he was down to his boxer shorts.
• Coach came out to put an end to this, but wound up getting his ass kicked by Viscera. For absolutely no good reason, Viscera's "finsher" was mounting Coach from behind for a chinlock, and then humping him. 
• Lillian laughed and approved of Vis' antics, so Vis decided he earned himself some sugar. He grabbed Lillian and smooched her good against her wishes.
• Then Vis left Lillian and Maria, content that he'd brought the show screeching to a halt.

If that doesn't sound like 10 minutes worth of TV, you're right. It wasn't. But that didn't stop them from stretching it out. Just awful. Not funny, not entertaining, not part of any on-going wrestling storyline, just the purest pointless retardation.

[ads]

Batista vs. Edge (World Heavyweight Title Match)

Furthering my belief that there would have been myriad ways to better manage time on this night, we get the ring entrances, and then a grand total of 60 seconds of action... and then Batista's power game launches Edge over the top rope and into the lusting arms of his beloved skank. And out comes the cavalry: Christian and the Lovely Miss Tomko come out to make good on their unspoken promise to Edge. So with this break in the action, let's take a look at some...

[ads]

Back, and Batista is in the middle of one of those "mount and punch" in the turnbuckle deals. But Lita distracts the referee, and Christian hops up and hangs Batista out over the top rope, allowing Edge to instantly take control. Almost immediately, Edge settled in with a body scissors: but the crowd, they were behind Batista, and he was feeling it, so he fed off their support and powered his way out. But before Batista could follow up, a distraction for Christian allowed Edge to re-regain control.

This time, Edge immediately decided that he should go for a chinlock. Looks like those girlish locks of Edge mean he spends WAY more time with the shampoo bottle than is, strictly speaking, healthy for a man. Because after what just happened with the body scissors, there was really no good reason to lather, rinse, and repeat with another resthold here. And sure enough, after about 2 minutes, Batista begins feeling the crowd and fires up yet again.

This rally all leads up to Batista hitting a big ol' superplex (nicely impactful) on Edge, leaving both men down for the double count, and signifying that we have entered End Game.

Both guys get up at the 8 count, and commence with the back-and-forth punchy-kicky as they jockey for the edge. Finally, Batista gets the better of that exchange and begins over-powering Edge. Edge does manage to reverse an Irish Whip, but when he goes to clothesline Batista, Batista ducks, and Edge ends up taking out the referee. That, my friends, is an engraved invitation for Christian and Tomko to swarm.

So with a 3-on-1 beatdown in progress, Batista looks to be in big trouble... until Ric Flair comes out to the rescue. Huge pop for the Nature Boy, as he thows punches and chops at Edge, Christian, and Tomko. Not necessary enough to debilitated them, but enough to allow Batista time to recover. And recover Batista does: just as Edge says, "Fuck this" and nails Flair with a Spear, Batista gets back to his feet, decimates Christian and Tomko, sending both men out of the ring, and then isolates on Edge. A big spinebuster. A "thumbs down." A Batista Bomb. The ref picks that moment to wake up. A three-count. And Batista retains the title in a 15-minute match that I thought was perhaps a bit flat for the main part of Edge's dominance in the middle, but which was nicely booked and reached a really fun crescendo at the end. Batista going over to tend to Flair after the match looked like it was gonna be the very intriguing final visual to a relatively exciting main event, capping off a hit-and-miss night of RAW. But wait, there's more....

After the Match: with Flair still on his knees, Triple H's theme music suddenly starts up. And onto the stage walks The Game. Anviliciously, Flair remains on his knees right behind Batista this whole time in a shot that is framed with "uppercut to the balls" as the only possible outcome. Jesus: a chance to milk this, to make fans care about Flair, to make them believe in the Flair/Batista storyline, and before it even happens, I'm sure you'll be robbing me of a month's worth of good TV. Nice work with the bludgeoningly obvious TV production, monkeys. And yet, even though it's staged so blatantly obviously, WWE fucks it up: they manage to completely miss both HHH's "thumbs down" gesture AND Flair's uppercut to Batista's sac with poor camera choices. Weak. With Batista's wind knocked from him by Naitch, Haitch hits the ring, sledgehammer in hand. And the beating is on. About 3 minutes of pounding on Batista, and he's a bloody mess. Finally, Flair props Batista up, as HHH grabs a mic. And HHH's declaration: "You wanna fight me? Then let's make it Hell in the Cell." Throws the mic down, grabs Batista, and hits him with a Pedigree for good measure. Play HHH's music again, and we're out.

The fuck? "You wanna fight me? Let's make it Hell in the Cell!"? Not only was there no good reason for HHH to even appear tonight, but given that he did, what in the blue hell sense did THAT statement make. Batista made it clear that he DIDN'T care about fighting you again, HHH. That's why you walked out in a huff, remember? This whole thing with Flair and Batista should have been allowed to simmer while you stayed backstage, making our hearts grow fonder, Hunter. Because Flair manipulating Batista into accepting another World Title match against you would have been tons more compelling than you showing up and declaring that, even though Batista has publicly stated that you're out of title shots, that you'll be taking a title shot for yourself, and further, you'll be making it a Hell in the Cell match. If anybody can explain this logic to me, I'm all ears. A really annoyingly unnecessary finish to a show that had a Sweet Finish staring it right in the face not 3 minutes earlier.