Which I'm sure RAW will be tonight as well, since I have the Diva Search and Chris Masters to look forward to this evening. Thank god I still have Christian to...

[Author's note: Everything you just read was written before the show. I've just finished watching it for the first time. You know, sometimes a RAW is so bad that I look forward to recapping it. Same goes for a show that's especially good. But sometimes a show is so soul-sappingly boring and half-assed that I dread having to transcribe it all for you. Save for two genuinely good moments, this show? Was a big fat void of nothingness. I can bring the snark on a bad show, but a boring one? Not so easy. I'll try my best. On the upside, at least I was wrong about having to deal with Chris Masters.]

Opening Video Package: Hype for Hogan's visit to Carlito's Cabana.

Carlito immediately notes that it's the 4th of July to a big "USA" chant, and says that there are fireworks every night on the Cabana. He heelishly puts himself over, and then brings up Hogan. Smartly, Carlito is the one who pimps the reality show and tells you what time it's on, because maybe even Hogan would have gotten booed for doing that (Reality Show Plug Count: 1.) A "Hogan!" chant fires up. He'll be pimping his show (Reality Show Plug Count: 2) on Jay Leno, Kimmel, and Regis and Kelly, but the first place he wanted to come? Carlito's Cabana, baby, and NOT the Highlight Reel (ouch.)

They roll a clip from the show, with Hogan interrogating some poor sap who wants to take out his 16 year-old daughter, Brooke. Then again, he's a 22 year-old trying to take out a minor, so I don't feel quite so bad for him (Reality Show Plug Count: 3.)

Carlito finally introduces Hogan, who comes out to a huge pop and does his usual schtick, and I'm kind of bored with it already. Last week it was nice seeing him, but I think the amount of Hogan exposure I can tolerate is two shows a year, max. Carlito interrupts the ovation to say what an honor it is to have Hogan on his show. He's done it all: the most recognized name in wrestling, possibly the world. But this? Is the biggest thing he's ever done.

Hogan immediately interrupts with, "Let me tell you something, brother! 'Hogan Knows Best,' the reality show (Plug Count: 4)..." But Carlito interrupts that to say that no, he wasn't talking about the reality show (Plug Count: 5.) He's talking about Hogan being on Calrito's Cabana! But he's just kidding... he actually has a question for him. If Hogan is promoting his reality show (Plug Count: 6), why didn't he bring his daughter? Actually, I'm wondering that myself. It's July 4th; she could have opened the show by singing the national anthem.

That pisses off Hogan something fierce, who threatens violence on Carlito for mentioning her. Carlito pretends to back off, but says that while Carlito is cool, Brooke Hogan is hot (in that overly-tanned-to-the-point-of-being-orange, bleached-blonde kind of way that seems to run in the family.) And while Brooke may not be sexually active, Carlito would love to --

And that's enough for Hogan, who chooses that particular moment to punch Carlito the fuck out. Also, Hogan has a reality show.

He doesn't have time to gloat, though, because Kurt Angle chooses that exact moment to interrupt. And if I remember correctly, he made Hulk tap out like a little bitch the last time they met. He gives Hogan a big fat "Who cares?" and rants about how he made Shawn Michaels tap at Wrestlemania and made Ric Flair tap out last week, but the fans online still voted Flair as "The Man" over him. Angle gets no respect.

But, Kurt points out, Hogan always gets cheered by the fans. But why? Because of his reality show? (Plug Count: 7.) "Well whoopty-fricking-doo!" Because the last time they were in the ring together, he made Hogan tap out. All of the announcers give an "Oooh" and a little chuckle to that, even J.R., which is kind of funny. But the only person Angle would like to make tap out more than Hogan? Is his daughter Brooke. And in this exact moment I'm glad that I never watched Kurt acting this perv-y on Smackdown!, because... ew.

So Hogan decks Kurt, too, but Carlito makes the save with a DDT, and the two put the boots to Hulk. Before it can get too violent, Shawn Michaels runs out to make the save. Angle and Carlito bail, and Hogan and HBK act all buddy-buddy as we go to commercials. Oh, and have you heard about Hogan's reality show?

Moments ago: It was two fricking minutes ago, people. You saw it.

Backstage: Todd Grisham is in front of Eric Bischoff's office, saying that Shawn Michaels is inside -- and sure enough, you can hear muffled voices ranting. Upon first viewing, I thought it was Hogan who had gone into the office, because really, who listens to Todd Grisham? (Actually, I just wasn't paying attention, period.) Knowing what happens later, this makes a little more sense. Grisham says he'll be standing by as details are forthcoming. Thanks, Todd. You've just proven yourself exactly as useful as Boobies McTitsalot. (I originally made a typo, and his name came out as "Tood." Just thought I'd share that.)

As the heels make their entrances, we flash back to footage of Kane threatening Lita last week. And Lita? If you're going to wearing your own personal line of Slutwear, you'll have to do better than that if you want to out-whore the Diva Search contestants. Edge and Kane start, but Edge quickly tags out. Edge gets a cheap shot, which Snitsky uses for a one-count. Punchy-kicky, Big Show tags in. VERY loud chops to start. Clotheslines and an Irish whip in the corner for Snitsky, and Edge tries to interfere but eats a clothesline himself. Kane chooses that moment to chase Lita around the ring and to the back, which would be a good time for some...

Back, with Kane on the apron and Lita apparently out of the building. Snitsky is working on Big Show's leg. Psychology, from Snitsky? Whoa, dude. Show almost makes the tag, but gets pulled back. More work on the leg. Edge tags in for a cup of coffee and works on the leg. Snitsky back in. He works on the leg. Edge back in. Christ, this is boring. I miss Benoit. He's one of three people in the company who can make something like this look interesting.

Crickets chirp. A tumbleweed blows by.

Dropkick for Edge. Snitsky back in. He (gasp!) works the leg. Show tries to fight out, but Snitsky stops that by -- you guessed it -- working the leg. Edge tags in, and he and Snitsky both clothesline Show from the middle rope for two. They try a double suplex, but Show reverses in a spot I will always love. Kane finally gets the tag.

Kane is a house o' fire on Snitsky, hitting a sidewalk slam and flying clothesline. Edge is thrown in, and eats a headbutt from Big Show. Snitsky and Edge are both thrown in the corner, and Show Irish-whips Kane into both of them. Show gets a boot on Snitsky and sends Edge out. Snitsky walks into a chokeslam for the three count.

Backstage: Grisham is still standing by Bischoff's office, and gets whacked by the door when HBK makes his exit. Michaels: "I did what I always do. I moaned and I groaned until I got my way." Snerk. He tells Grisham in the most annoying over-the-top manner possible that later tonight, we'll see HBK and Hogan take on Angle and Carlito in a tag match.

Ten days ago, at Vengeance: Lillian proposed to Viscera, but he chose the Ho Train instead. Sniff. Tugs at the heartstrings, really.

Romeo and Antonio make their oh-so-awesome entrance, and dance their way Roxbury-style over to Lillian. They take the mic from her and say that everyone saw what happened to her at Vengeance, and that's why the Heartthrobs are here. Just for Lillian, they'll beat up Viscera, and after the match, they can all have a little party, if you catch their drift. The blonde one tries and fails to talk like Muhammad Ali in his "I'm pretty!" voice. I liked these guys much better when they just danced like tools and didn't talk. Lillian isn't falling for any of it.

And then, in the nicest bit of acting I've seen on this show in a damn long time, Lillian's voice breaks when she announces Viscera. And no, I'm not kidding; she handled it beautifully. Too bad the storyline preceding it made me want to jab sharp objects into my eyeballs. Repeatedly.

Viscera has chosen to wrestle tonight in a pair of gold-toned brown velour pajamas. Oooookay. Also, shouldn't there be a babyface in this match somewhere? Maybe Viscera ate him. Big Vis dominates both men to start, but they fight back and manage to take him down. They kick him and pound on him for a minute. I don't care. Vis fights out and gets a fat man splash on the brown-haired one (I don't know which guy is which), and the blond guy makes the save before Vis can work in his patented Greco-roman butt-rape. They drag Vis to the corner and wishbone him nuts-first on the ringpost, drawing the DQ. The fuck? I don't think I've ever seen anyone disqualified for using that move in a wrestling match. Whatever. It was short.

After the match, both men hit on Lillian and kiss her on the cheek, but she's still all weepy and not interested. Get a grip, woman. Maybe you and Kane can hang out and have that little cry-fest over Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood after all.

Backstage: All the Diva Search contestants are waiting in line for something, and as the camera pans out, we see that it's Chris Jericho monopolizing their mirror. Heh. The announcers plug the Highlight Reel for later, where the guest will be John Cena.

Backstage: Maria the Mic Stand announces, for once without tripping over her words, that eleven superstars (heh) were traded after Smackdown! went off the air last week. And one of the newest additions to RAW is none other than Chavo Guerrero, who is here for an interview. Chavo is decked out in his best "I'm going yachting over the weekend" attire and looks like an idiot, which is pretty much the idea with those kinds of clothes. Pastel green sweaters? Oy. He's also either shaved his head or cut his hair very, very short and bleached it blond, but I don't know if that's new or not.

Maria notices the new look, but Chavo corrects her by saying that he no longer wants to be known as "Chavo." He says that he's always had great abilities (true), but his achievements as "Chavo"? Not so great (also true, and not his fault. Damn you, WWE.) But Chavo places the blame elsewhere: on Hispanic people. So he's blaming himself? No, he says that while Hispanics all over the world support him, everyone knows what "real America" thinks of Hispanics, and it's rubbing off on him. Thusly, he is denouncing his ethnic heritage and is embracing middle-class America. He's also using his normal speaking voice for once, rather than the exaggerated Mexican accent he always spoke with on Smackdown!

Oh, and he's changing his name. It is now "Kerwin White." I don't know how you spell that first name. Chavo... er, Kerwin, is really funny here, but I don't know how far he can go with this gimmick. If anyone can pull it off, though, it's him. Put me in the "I need to wait and see" column on this one. Just before going, he asks, "Maria... say, what nationality is that name? Oh, I know. Stupid." Dammit, Kerwin! That gag was much funnier when it was unspoken and understood. Maria manages to pull off "sad" and "disappointed" while Kerwin walks off, but can't do anything about the undercurrent of "moron" that is forever present.

Elsewhere Backstage: It's Hurricane, SuperStacy, and Rosey here, for a special 4th of July public service announcement about fireworks safety. In a bit similar to way back when Rosey got attacked by a cat in the background of a skit, he finds himself on fire in this one. Not quite as funny as the one with the cat, but still amusing. It would have worked better if Hurricane and Stacy hadn't noticed Rosey's troubles while giving their announcement, but they instead opt to use a fire extinguisher to save their fat flaming friend. Cute segment; if they do these every week, I might start caring about this team.

Elsewhere elsewhere backstage: Maria stands around looking sad, and John Cena happens by and asks what's wrong. She tells him Chavo/Kerwin called her stupid, and Cena takes a moment to laugh about the name change before consoling Maria, saying she has a lot going for her: she looks good, and, uh... she looks good. He suggests that Maria show her strengths (in a suggestive voice), and hide her weaknesses (he puts a finger over her lips.) He then gives her a quick pop on the ass and tells her it'll work itself out. Cena's not as likable here as he was last week, but still pretty funny.

Leave it to a Canadian to brighten up my Independence Day. Jericho gets a surprisingly good reaction from the crowd, which is pretty telling for a guy who's supposed to be a heel. He says there'll be no stupid deck chairs or palm trees on the Highlight Reel tonight, and says that he "was watching Carlito's little... heh heh heh... [comical Caribbean accent] Cabana... [/accent]" and the delivery is hilarious. I can't do it justice trying to type it out, but I'm latching on to one of the two best things about tonight's show, so humor me. Anyway, he saw Hogan, a true multi-media superstar, on the Cabana, so he wanted a guest of that caliber for the Highlight Reel. For a moment here, I thought Jericho was going to interview himself, which you know would have been gold. But no, he's instead chosen to bring out John Cena, the next best thing to Y2J.

Rap usually isn't my thing, but I must say, I really like Cena's entrance music. He comes out to a huge ovation and thanks Chris for having him on the show. Huge "Cena!" chant, so he goes for a cheap pop (no cheesy thumbs-up, though.) He and Chris banter back and forth for a second before getting down to business.

Chris wants to congratulate Cena for doing so well for himself: he's the WWE Champion, first off, and Jericho takes a moment to point to the belt and say in a flawless Pretending to Be Sincere But Not Really Meaning It voice, "I love that thing. I love it when it spins." Again, all in the delivery, and it cracked me up. Cena's also got a hit album, he's getting ready to film a second music video, and has his first live concert coming up in a few weeks.

But Jericho just wants to point out: he's the first Undisputed Champion, three hit records, five music videos, and played hundreds of concerts all over the world, including a festival recently in front of 50,000 people. They roll a clip from that, and yet again, it's not the most impressive representation of Fozzy. They never come off well on WWE TV, even though I've seen them live and know they're actually quite good. Jericho: "So what do you think of that, junior?"

Cena isn't biting. He points out that the interview is a bit one-sided, but won't knock Jericho: "You rocked it. You've got a lot of good things going. Thanks for having me and good luck to you." He turns to leave, but Jericho stops him: "What do you mean, 'good luck'?" He puts himself over some more, insinuating that luck has nothing to do with his success. Heh. In classic bully fashion, Jericho doesn't really know what to do when someone won't pay attention to him.

Cena again won't bite, says "Congratulations," and tries to leave, but gets stopped again. Jericho gets up in Cena's face and says that he's a much bigger star than Cena, and the only reason why people don't realize that is because Cena has the title around his waist. "For now. I can take that from you any time I want."

Cena's finally had enough of trying to be civil, and says that he gets it: "You tell everybody that you have it all, seen it all, done it all... but you're nothing without the WWE Title." And Chris knows it. He says that every week Chris feels the need to tell everyone who'll listen about everything he's done and that he's on top of the world, but Cena wants to be the first to tell Chris that he's an asshole.

He points out that the fans aren't stupid and aren't buying Jericho's bragging. "I remember when RAW really WAS Jericho. But now... Jericho. Is. Cheap." Big "Ooooooh" for that. He riffs on that for a minute, and should have stopped short of saying "Y2Cheap," which really was lame, but probably will end up on a few fan signs at next week's show anyway. Otherwise, a nice strong promo that finally lays it all out with regards to Jericho's behavior these last few months: he's trying to rationalize away his lack of gold around his waist by convincing himself and everyone else that he's already a huge star. And for most of the time Cena was saying all of this, Jericho held his head down rather than seething, which is as much of a concession as you'll get from him that it really is the truth. Jericho really could go face or heel this way, as his status was pretty ambiguous with the beginning of this segment. In any case, I'm thrilled that WWE remembers that Jericho's had some interesting character traits recently and is following up on it.

After the last "cheap" riff, though, Jericho is all, "Please, bitch," and slaps Cena, and they brawl for a bit. Cena gets the better of it and Jericho bails, with refs surrounding Jericho to stop any further fisticuffs. J.R. puts it best: "I'm liking this."

Up Next: The Diva Search. They have to follow that? These ladies are doomed.

Coach and Christy walk out to start. Christy introduces Sgt. Slaughter and ignores Coach trying to poke fun at her. She then announces the Diva Search contestants. Hilariously, the third girl to come out tries to kick her leg up really high in a "sexy" cheerleader-type move, but falls flat on her ass. Bwah ha ha! Oh man, I live for shit like that.

Sgt. Slaughter can't resist asking of any of the ladies would like to "Blow on the Sarge's whistle." Good lord, is perviness contagious tonight? First Carlito, then Angle, then Cena, now Slaughter? Anyway, the winner tonight will have immunity from being voted off next week.

Coach explains down the obstacle course: jumping jacks, hopping over a short wall, crawling through the ring under some netting, hopping around the ring in a potato sack, jumping rope, and over another wall. It looks simple enough, but just difficult enough to show us who's a complete spaz and who might be an actual athlete.

Christy convinces Coach to demonstrate the obstacle course, so he does so in allegedly-funny fashion, pretending to be clumsy when we know he really isn't. He finishes in 48 seconds.

Ashley (the "rock chick") goes first and handles herself fairly well in 48 seconds. Leyla is next and is a total skank. Trust me, I can tell. She's also far too prissy to not kill herself going over the first wall. She loses her bikini top under the netting, and is DQed by Coach for a "wardrobe malfunction." Summer, the one who fell on her ass just walking out here, doesn't suck (at the obstacle course, anyway) and finishes in 41 seconds.

Kristal is next and her hair extensions resemble a dead cat sitting on her head. Not the most flattering look, sweetie. She does some half-assed jumping jacks, but seems like she's done some type of sports before and flies through in 37 seconds. Elisabeth is even faster and dives to a 35-second finish. Fuck, this is boring.

Simona is the kind of girl who I'd really love to punch in the face. No athletic ability at all in this girl; she's the type who does photo shoots in Maxim for a living. Yeah, I'd love to see how this girl would handle life without her precious face and fake boobs. She's exhausted and falls a few times, and the crowd boos the shit out of her and her 49-second time. Cameron is all legs, but unlike Stacy, has no coordination. It's kind of sad to watch, really. I bet she thought this would be her big chance to show all those people who teased her as an awkward little girl, and then she goes out there and still looks like an idiot. Her time: 48 seconds.

Alexis is last (thank GOD), and according to Lawler, has been in music videos for "Janice Jackson." She kicks the last wall after falling over it like a sack of potatoes, and pretty much says "fuck it" at the finish line. Time: 54 seconds. Lots of boos for her. Yep, definitely another girl I'd love to punch in the face. Or better yet, I'd force her to go on television without makeup on, had I the power to do so. She'd die of embarrassment.

That makes Elisabeth the winner. I like her (well, this is the Sliding Scale of Diva Search Contestant Likeability, so that really means "I don't hope she gets hit by a truck") because she's the only girl there who doesn't have fake boobs. Viva women who aren't artificially "hot!"

In any case, I fucking hate WWE for making me watch this. Even worse, I had to watch this twice in order to recap it. Vince? You can kiss my ass for thinking any of this is interesting. My only consolation is knowing that Trish will be back soon, and she can kick the shit out of any of these wastes of oxygen.

Oh, and to anyone who thought to themselves, "Hey, this wasn't that bad," consider this: Shelton Benjamin could have wrestled a match here (against Chavo/Kerwin, perhaps?) instead. Where the hell was he tonight, anyway? Fuck you, WWE.

Later tonight: Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan v. Carlito and Kurt Angle

More Diva Search Crap: The divas are still out there. The voting starts now. The music of Val Venis interrupts, and I have no idea why the girls know to start clapping, because none of them have any idea who he is.

Dupree grabs the mic before the match to show off his evil French goatee and toolish mustache. He's set out to do two things: 1) prove that he's the greatest specimen to ever set foot in the ring (because as we all know, looks are the most important thing in this business. The Diva Search taught me that), and 2) prove that he is "simply phenomenal." Whatever. Tu, Monsieur Dupree, n'est pas A.J. Styles.

If you think I'm doing a play-by-play for this, then fuck you. It's a quick two-minute sorta-squash for Dupree, who wins with a rollup and his feet on the ropes.

Smackdown! Rebound: Batista's on Smackdown! and Teddy Long decides not to go through with the Smackdown! Title, a choice which screwed up all my PPV picks the previous week. Fuck you, Teddy.

Backstage: Todd "Tood" Grisham is standing by with Carlito and Angle, and asks them how they feel about stepping into the ring with two icons. Icons? Carlito doesn't care about no stinkin' icons, because nobody disrespects the IC champ and an Olympic gold medallist and gets away with it. That's not cool.

But what IS cool, Kurt points out, is that it's Independence Day: a celebration of American heroes. And Angle vows for there to be fireworks tonight when he snaps the ankle of either Hogan or Michaels. He gets intense, almost weirdly so, here, ranting about getting the respect he deserves. He leaves, and Carlito bites into his apple, but only teases spitting it on Todd. Aha. For this week, at least, Carlito's not the type of guy who spits; he swallows.

Carlito and Hogan start. Hogan easily wins the lockup, and Carlito tags out. Hogan wins another lockup. Angle tries to go all technical on Hogan's ass, but Hogan reverses(!) and works the arm, tagging in HBK. (Actual Hogan Wrestling Move Count: 1.) HBK continues to work the arm, but Angle fights out and they hit the ropes. Michaels with an armdrag and armbar, but Angle fights out and hits a bodyslam. Carlito in.

Carlito misses an elbow and gets armdragged. In a funny moment, HBK ruffles his afro while holding the armbar. Hogan tags in and punches Carlito, getting a clothesline and bodyslam (Actual Wrestling Move Count: 3.) HBK back in, who gets his hair pulled long enough for Angle to tag in. Angle stomps away in the corner, and HBK fights out with chops. Blind charge for Angle ends with a boot to the face and a clothesline. HBK tosses Angle and Hogan tosses Carlito.

And at 10:56, it's time for yet another commercial break. I consider investing in TiVo.

We're back, with Angle pounding on an obviously in-peril HBK in the corner with Hulk trying to pump up the crowd from the apron. HBK and Angle fight it out on the turnbuckle, which HBK wins. Angle goes flying to the canvas, and Michaels hits the Macho Man elbow. He tunes up the band, but is distracted by Carlito long enough for Angle to recover.

Chops to Angle, and a cheapshot by Carlito that allows Angle to get an overhead German. Carlito tags in. He pounds on HBK while the crowd goes absolutely apeshit for Hogan to get a tag. Near-fall on HBK. He stomps away on Michaels and chokes him with his boot. Angle gets in a few cheapshots and Carlito some choking when the ref's back is turned. Angle back in with more stomping. Back suplex gets two for Angle. Carlito back in, and Angle chokes HBK with the tag rope behind the ref's back. Suplex gets two. Angle back in.

Snapmare, and Angle goes for a weird resthold that's basically a sitting waistlock. HBK fights out but misses a dropkick. The straps come down, but Michaels quickly rolls out of the Ankle Lock. Angle goes for an Angle slam, but the timing is off and it doesn't quite work, so both guys kind of pop into a face-to-face position that looks like a setup for a Northern Lights suplex on HBK, which he then reverses to a DDT (which I think was the original intention with the Angle Slam.) Absolutely brilliant cover by both men; that could have looked ugly, but instead it looked smooth but still very realistic. Both men are out, and they start a slow crawl to their respective corners.

Carlito gets the tag first, but HBK finally gets to Hogan at the last second. Crowd goes batshit, and Hogan's already Hulking up. He punches away and gets a Big Boot on Carlito, and back-body-drops an attacking Angle over the top rope (Actual Wrestling Move Count for Hogan: 4.) He hams it up for the crowd and hits the Legdrop O' Doom for the pin. Hogan gave us more plugs for his new show than he did actual wrestling moves this evening. Bravo.

After the match, both men start playing to the crowd and doing the standard Hogan Posing thing, and I think the show is over. I was stepping over my computer to fire up Microsoft Word when Shawn Michaels suddenly superkicks Hogan out of nowhere.

Whoa, dude. On the list of things I was expecting when I sat down to watch RAW tonight, a Shawn Michaels heel turn ranked slightly below a Chris Jericho title win. Everyone boos, the announcers are flabbergasted, and Hogan is out cold. Michaels doesn't act gleeful or angry at this turn of events. He keeps his head down and almost seems disappointed in himself. Hey, I'd feel bad, too, if I had to pass up a chance to wrestle another match with Kurt Angle at Summerslam to turn heel so I could carry the animated corpse of Hulk Hogan to a watchable match instead. Michaels slowly leaves the ring to close out the show.