visit from a WWE Hall of Famer, and a John Cena that inspired wrath in me like no one since Randy Orton. Bravo, WWE. Throw in Jericho and Carlito, and I've got one gem of a show to recap. Lots of good stuff, and other gloriously crappy moments as well. Enjoy this, because I'm going out of town in a few days and won't be around to recap anything for the next couple of weeks.

Opening Video Package: Last week, Shawn Michaels superkicked Hogan into this week.

Opening Theme/Pyro
Live from East Rutherford, NJ

Carlito's Cabana: "My Talk Show Can Beat up Your Talk Show" Edition

Carlito's left wrist is either in a light cast, or is very heavily wrapped. What the hell? Does he hurt himself every time he wins a title? Anyway, Carlito says that as of late, there are a lot of reasons why people should be watching RAW, and the main one is Carlito. I dunno, dude. Didn't you watch the show last week? It was kind of crap. He plugs his match with Shelton Benjamin later tonight, and then gets on with the show. Last week, Carlito's guest was the immortal Hulk Hogan, and look what happened to him -- the fireworks always fly on the Cabana! Heh. So tonight, Carlito's guest is Shawn Michaels!

Or... not. Chris Jericho's music interrupts, and he looks unhappy. He's also gone back to wearing his Ryan Seacrest MetroGear for Tools, what with the jeans and the t-shirt and the blazer. And sunglasses. At night. Lordy. On the plus side, that's a Journey shirt he's wearing, which is kind of awesome.

Big "Y2J" chant. Yet again, the crowd considers him a face until he's forced to turn them against him. That tell you anything, WWE? Because it's not like your show isn't hurting for top-level babyfaces or anything. Carlito: "You see? Everybody wants to be a guest on Carlito's Cabana!" He tells Jericho to have a seat and see how a real show is conducted. He even gives him an apple.

Jericho doesn't take kindly to that sort of treatment, and interrupts Carlito. His Copa Cabana (heh) segment last week was trumped by the Highlight Reel, junior. Or did he forget that John Cena was there, and Jericho "beat the living hell out of [him]"? He says Carlito got upstaged last week, and he's gonna do it again tonight.

"So get rid of this yard sale of a set, lower the obscenely expensive JeriTron 5000, because tonight my guest is none other than Shawn Michaels!" Big pop for that, but Carlito interrupts before anyone can make an entrance. "The Highlight Reel is just like you... really boring. Really... outdated. Basically, it really sucks." Boos for that, as Carlito is the de facto heel of this segment.

He continues: "Look at you! You're a little older... a little sadder... a little fatter. Seriously, you might wanna give me that apple back." Oh no you di-int, Carlito! Nobody makes fun of my man's weight, dammit. "Seriously, love handles? That's not cool." Okay, so that was funny. Jericho points out that Carlito doesn't exactly have abs of steel himself, and rants that he, in fact, is cool. "I'm cool! I'm Canadian! Oh yeah! I'm Chris Canadian Cool!" Hee.

"You just don't get it, do you, Sideshow Bob?" Big laughs for that. He mocks Carlito's attire, and then says that a guy like Shawn Michaels wouldn't want to be on an "imposter, fly-by-night, wannabe, cheap-ass, half-assed, second-rate, podunk amateur-hour talk show like yours!" He tells him to step aside, and tries to introduce HBK again. Carlito tries to interrupt again, and Jericho says that HBK would want to be with the original "Johnny Carson of RAW... not Carson Daly." BURN. He again tries to intro HBK, but he doesn't come out.

Instead, it's Rowdy Roddy Piper! The crowd goes nuts, of course. "Did I hear you correctly? Did you say the Highlight Reel is the original deal?" He calls Carlito "Buckwheat," and then says that there's only one original: himself. Oh, and neither one of these two will be interviewing Shawn Michaels -- because HBK will be in Piper's Pit tonight, and Piper vows to find out exactly why Michaels did what he did last week. He leaves Carlito and Jericho to bitch at each other in the ring. Fabulous opening segment. Who needs a snarky recapper when you've got snarky wrestlers instead?

Later Tonight: Carlito v. Shelton, the Diva Search, and Kane v. Edge with Lita at ringside.

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Footage of the recent WWE tour of Japan airs. Hearing Cena speak in a normal voice in this segment just underscores how annoying he will be later in the show tonight.

Chris Masters v. Tajiri  

Just because it can't be said enough: Worst. Entrance. Ever. Why must RAW get my hopes up with such a kickass opening segment, only to let this hack follow it? Hilariously, Lawler tries to sell the huge reaction Masters will get when his music starts. When the lights go up and pyro goes off? Total apathy from the crowd. Nice. Honestly, who gives a shit about a guy who can't do much more than flex his muscles?

Masters stomps away to start and hits some chops and a suplex. Choking on the ropes. Tajiri fires back with a series of stiff kicks and knocks Masters off the apron with the first half of the handspring elbow. Back in, more kicks get Tajiri a near-fall. Handspring elbow connects for two. Sunset flip gets two. Tajiri attempts a tornado DDT, but Masters counters, only to walk into a nasty heel kick for two.

Tarantula is attempted, but Masters simply tosses Tajiri to the mat and locks in a full nelson (put me on the list of those who refuse to call it the "Masterlock") for the win. Sigh. At least Tajiri got in some offense, and Masters didn't kill anyone this time. I wouldn't object if he wanted to try Brock Lesnar's version of the Shooting Star Piledriver, though.

Winner: Chris Masters

Backstage: Shawn Michaels gets himself some coffee. In an evil way, because he's a heel now.

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And This Little Snitsky Needs to Go "Wee Wee Wee" All The Way Back to Heat

Edge (with a new shoulder-length haircut) and Lita are sitting together backstage watching their wedding video when Snitsky interrupts. They all have a good laugh about fooling everyone with Snitsky faking out the crowd, but then Edge fast-forwards to his favorite part: when they fooled everyone with Matt Hardy's entrance music. I become suspicious immediately.

They stop the video, and Edge brings up his match with Kane, and he tells Snitsky that he and Lita understand he has a bit of a fetish. Right on cue, Lita dangles her bare feet in front of Snitsky, who suddenly starts drooling and breathing hard. Ew. Lita's toenails are painted a slutty red, of course. Snitsky takes a big long sniff of Lita's feet (ew again.) Edge says that if Snitsky helps them out in his match with Kane, then "These babies [points to Lita's feet] are all yours." This is the dumbest fucking thing I've seen on television in a week, and that includes the Diva Search. Ugh.

At the Announce Table: J.R., Coach, and Lawler introduce footage from Vengeance of a battered and bloody Triple H being helped to the back after his Hell in the Cell match with Batista. He apparently "hasn't given any statements," and they have no idea when he'll be back. So long as it's not tonight and I don't have to recap it, that's perfectly fine with me. I can't even tell you guys how nice it is to not have to transcribe a grunting 20-minute Triple H promo. Think "pulling teeth," and you're halfway there.

Up Next: Shelton gets a rematch against Carlito for his IC Title.

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Slam of the Week: Carlito cheats at Vengeance to defeat Shelton Benjamin.

Carlito Cool v. Shelton Benjamin (IC Title)

If Carlito's wrist really is injured, then Shelton is winning this. Shelton takes control to start with a reverse elbow and a hard Irish whip to the turnbuckle. Vertical suplex gets a near-fall. Carlito tries a chop, but that just pisses off Shelton, who gets a chop of his own and an ill-timed dropkick that gets two. Inside cradle gets two.

Carlito hits a dropkick and gloats about it, but Shelton neatly kips up while his back is turned. Carlito bails, but eats a baseball slide from Benjamin. Now's a good time for some... 

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Back, with Shelton fighting his way out of a sleeper. He gets tossed to the outside and Irish-whipped into the barrier. It's hard to pay attention to the action, though, because Coach and Lawler and bickering away with J.R., yet again reminding me why I HATE heel announcers. And now we have two of them? Oh joy. Back in, Carlito gets two and stomps away. He goes back to a chinlock to a nice "Boring!" chant. Heh. Much to his credit, though, Carlito quickly lets go of the hold and stomps away and drops elbows to shut the crowd up. Nice.

He gets a two-count and goes back to a rest-hold, but the crowd gets into it this time. Shelton fights out, but Carlito cuts that off and chokes him with a boot, using the ropes for leverage. That gets a two-count. Snapmare and another chinlock, and for god's sake, Coach and Lawler need to SHUT THE FUCK UP. God. They're so bad they make me forget there's even a match going on. Way to do your job, guys.

Shelton fights out and gets a series of pinning combinations, all for two. Carlito cuts him off with a DDT for two. He slugs away and tries a suplex, but Shelton reverses to a neckbreaker in a really sweet spot that only gets two. Shelton gets two inverted backbreakers for two. Carlito reverses a rollup and grabs the tights, but THAT only gets two. They fight it out at the turnbuckle, and Carlito finally hits the superplex. Benjamin barely kicks out of the pin. Carlito runs to get his belt and tries to bring it in the ring, but the ref puts a stop to that.

Shelton hits a samoan drop and Carlito bails, but Shelton pulls him to the apron by his afro. Heh. They tease a suplex off of the ring apron (and they really tease it, getting about an inch away from actually doing it, which is a nice visual), but Shelton fights out. He tries a superkick but gets caught, and then he reverses to that dragonwhip heel kick and knocks Carlito off the apron with it. Awesome. The ref starts counting and Carlito is to his feet and able to climb in at seven, but he just grabs his title and walks away. He loses the match, but retains his title. Pussy. Really nice outing for both men.

Winner (via countout): Shelton Benjamin

Backstage: John Cena and Eric Bischoff are having a heated argument backstage. About what, I don't know. Probably Bischoff's inability to recognize "real" (whatever the fuck that means.) Cena storms off.

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RAW Rewind: Cena and Jericho brawled on the Highlight Reel last week.

John Cena's Temper Tantrum Theatre of Douchebaggery

Cena comes down to the ring for a promo and does his usual pandering for a cheap pop to start, the champ is here, yadda yadda. Huge "Cena" chant. Anyway, Cena's having a really bad day. Eric Bischoff is annoying him by telling him what a tool he's acting like. And seriously, people. I've liked Cena a lot during his first few weeks on RAW, but tonight, he's acting like the Grade-A Asshat that pissed me off so much on SmackDown! The Ghetto-speak is over-the-top, he's pacing around like he's on crack, and he's trying so hard to be Steve Austin it's painful. Where's Jericho to bitch-slap the smirk off his face when you need him?

Speaking of Jericho, Cena takes issue with Y2J saying that he kicked his ass last week. Except he refers to him as "Y2Cheap" again, and I cringe. Did you have to bring up the only lame part of your promo from last week, Cena? It's not clever, so shut it. He says that Jericho seems to think that he can take his title whenever he wants, and this is a problem, but it's okay. "This is Chain Gang, and we solve problems." Whatever. He says "Y2Cheap" twice and calls Jericho and his love handles out.

But he doesn't get Jericho; instead, Bischoff makes his entrance. He picks up a mic and tells Cena that he doesn't defend his title whenever he wants to; he defends it whenever Bischoff wants him to, and those are the rules. Cena interrupts: "You see, you're the GM. You make matches, but the way you're comin' at me right now, it's almost like you physically threatenin' me. Do you know where the hell you are? This is Dirty Jersey, homey." Two things: first, Cena, you're from Boston. Shut up. And second, there is not a white man alive who can pull off saying "homey" without irony. You are no exception.

He continues: "I swear to you, you eva, eva come at me with that tone again? You goin' get dirty." Once again, refer to my comments about the word "homey." They apply here.

Jericho's music cues up at this moment, thank God. Bischoff stops him at the ramp before he can make it to the ring. Why get his hands dirty on a thug like Cena? Cena: "You two words away from an ass-whippin, aiight?" Jesus christ. Speak English, Cena, and stop acting like a fucking brat. Is this the same guy who tried to be the better man and step away from a verbally antagonistic Jericho last week? Because I liked that guy. The one I'm getting tonight is both a poser and a douchebag.

Bischoff tells Jericho to wait to attack Cena, because at Summerslam, he's getting his one-on-one title shot. Jericho thanks him in an ass-kissing manner, and tells Cena that he'll take away his title because he has to do it. "You're a disgrace. You stand out there and call me 'Y2Cheap.' Meanwhile, you're the one who's cheapening the legacy of the WWE championship just by having it!" I wouldn't go that far, but if Cena keeps acting like this, I might have to agree with you, Chris. "Mr. Bischoff was right, John. You are not championship material. Look at you. Your clothes, your whole look, your attitude! You're nothing but a thug... you don't deserve to be the champion!" Replace "thug" with "poser," and I'm right there with ya, Jericho.

Cena interrupts and accuses Jericho of putting himself above everyone else. "I can't be champion because I'm with my peoples?" GOD. Stop. Pandering. Jericho counters that when he beats Cena, he'll become the biggest multimedia superstar of the WWE: records, movies, magazines, you name it.

Cena mocks Jericho: "And I'm gonna make so much money, and buy a mansion in Cheapland, where the Cheapsauce flows like wine!" That would be funny if he hadn't used the exact same joke last week. "Get off yo'self, homey." (Homey count: 2.) Cena says it's not about the movies or magazines or the records, it's about "Real recognizing real." It's funny, I'm real, and I recognize a poser when I see one. Putz. "Homey, we here. Let's settle it." (Homey count: 3.)

Jericho takes off his jacket, but decides not to come down to the ring: because at Summerslam, he will be the new WWE champion. He leaves, with Cena and Bischoff still in the ring. Cena decides that Jericho and Bischoff are a team, and he has a problem with that team. And since Jericho isn't here... he picks up Bischoff and F-Us him. And for what, exactly? Because he made a match that you wanted? How old are you, five? How many rhetorical questions can I ask in a row? Cena has one last thing to say: "Welcome to the new RAW, bitch!" Great punchline, shitty promo.

[ads. I should note that a friend of mine called me during this commercial break. He's a casual wrestling fan, and never understood why I liked Jericho so much, even when he turned face last year. But he told me that after that segment, he and his buddies are now Jericho fans. And why? "Because he speaks the truth." And because Cena was being a pandering, wannabe-rapper jackass.]

Diva Search "Talent" Competition: Now With 100% Less Talent!

First I have to listen to Cena's bullshit (transcribe it, even), and now this? Yay. The contestants all come down to the ring, dressed like whores and dancing like idiots. Christy and Coach are your hosts. First things first: Alexis has been cut. Well, there one less bimbo for me to recap.

Christy outlines the rules: each contestant will get 60 seconds to show the world her "special talent." Wait -- these women have talent? Ahahahaha! Sorry, that's just.... hee hee. Anyway, Ashley the "rock chick" is up first. She takes the mic and gets a pop for being from New York. She says that she's been training to wrestle (good for her) and wants to show what she can do. She says that she won't be singing or dancing because this isn't American Idol, this is WWE. Good pop for that, too. Smart girl. She walks up to Coach, who isn't playing along, and then decides to demonstrate a monkey flip on Christy. Well, it's something, I guess.

Leyla is next. She says that she needs the ref who threw the towel on her last week (after she lost her top), and she'll do a little dance for him. Earl Hebner makes his way out, and Leyla does a few seconds of dancing around him before she gives him a low blow. "That's for disqualifying me," she says. Um, actually, Leyla, Coach disqualified you, not Earl. Stupid bitch.

Summer is next, and she does a bit of gymnastics: a couple of back-handsprings into a split. At least she's coordinated, but I can do that, and I haven't done gymnastics in ten years. Yawn.

Kristal is next, and is dressed like a gay French painter (is that redundant?) She announces in a stupid accent that she'll be doing a self-portrait. She strips down and pours paint all over herself, and then rolls around on a large canvas in allegedly-sexy fashion. The crowd boos the shit out of her, well as they should.

Elisabeth is up, dressed in a robe and a policeman's hat, announces that she's been dancing all her life and will be showing her moves. "And as of tonight, you are all arrested." Uh-huh. She dances around a little and is probably pretty good, but nobody cares. She strips down to her undies and dances some more, and still nobody cares. She then handcuffs Christy to the ring ropes and spanks her. This is supposed to be a talent show, right?

Simona, the skank that I wanted to punch in the face last week, is up next. She's dressed in some Viking warrior getup, complete with the sword. She says this isn't her talent, but her fantasy (oh, for fuck's sake.) She imagines herself as a warrior, and wants to show how she would defend herself from evil men (way to endear yourself to the voting fanbase, honey.) She dances like a slut in front of Coach and treats her sword like a phallic symbol, and the crowd boos the shit out of her because she's a useless whore. Urge to punch this lump of plastic? Not fading.

Cameron is last, and dressed in "sexy librarian" gear. She says she's a straight-A student and wants to teach Christy Chair Dancing 101. She strips and "dances" on the chair, but like last week, it's clear that this girl is gangly and awkward and little else. Stick to school, sweetie. She gets booed a bit, but not as badly as Kristal or Simona.

They run down the list of contestants one more time, and this mockery of a talent show is finally over.

Later Tonight: Shawn Michaels on Piper's Pit.

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Kurt Angle v. Matt Striker

I never thought I'd be so glad to hear Kurt Angle's music. He's decided to bring back the Kurt Angle Invitational because nobody on Smackdown! was able to come close to beating him. The idea: a "hometown hero" has to last three minutes in the ring with Kurt, and he'll win Kurt's Olympic medal.

He brings out this week's challenger, a guy who's obviously in very good shape. Kurt says he looks familiar, and the guy introduces himself as Matt Martel from New York. Kurt finally recognizes his opponent: it's not Martel, it's Striker. I haven't heard the story before, but Striker is a teacher who got fired for calling in sick when he in fact was going to be in a wrestling match. And what's more, Kurt wrestled him before in Philly, and Matt said then that Philadelphia was his hometown. Busted!

Kurt starts the clock, and takes Matt to school for the first minute and a half with arm-related submission offense and uppercuts in the corner. Suplex on Striker, and Angle gloats, but Striker starts to fight back. Not before walking into an overhead suplex, though. Striker reverses the Ankle Lock and sends Kurt flying out of the ring, hitting his shoulder on the ringpost on the way out with 40 seconds left. The crowd starts buzzing, thinking Matt might win this thing, and so do I.

Kurt crawls back in, and Striker pounds away in the corner. He counters the Angle Slam and low-blows Kurt when the ref's back is turned, and the crowd starts going nuts at this point because there are only ten seconds left. Kurt somehow recovers, though, and slaps on the Ankle Lock, getting the submission with one second left.

Interesting segment, but I think the timing was slightly off on the finish: am I really supposed to buy that a strong, well-built guy with wrestling training would tap out to the Ankle Lock in 0.5 seconds? I know Kurt is a badass and I love him for it, but I've never even seen the jobbiest of all jobbers do that. And I've seen some jobby jobbers in my times as a wrestling fan. "Jobby jobbers" is almost as fun to say as "Snitsky."

Winner: Kurt Angle

Backstage: Todd "Tood" Grisham stops Kane in the back to ask him about facing Edge. He doesn't answer, and just laughs maniacally in "It's alive... it's aliiiiive!" fashion for a minute.

Elsewhere Backstage: Edge and Lita are walking, when suddenly Edge is attacked by a guy who looks a hell of a lot like Matt Hardy. He has a quick stare-down with Lita, then runs off when some officials intervene. We never get a close-up view of his face and the camera is really shaky, though, so I'm wary. I wouldn't put it past this company to have a Fake Matt Hardy running around at Kane's command.

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Edge (w/ Lita) v. Kane

The announcers make no mention of the attack that just occurred backstage. And what is it with Kane's feuds, anyway? They never, ever end, until creative comes up with some new way to assassinate his character. He just keeps having matches with the same people week after week with no end in sight. It happened with Shane McMahon, it happened with RVD, it happened with Snitsky, and now it's happening with Edge.

Punchy-kicky by both men to start, and Edge baseball slides Kane to the outside. Back in, Edge tries to go up top, but gets punched the hell out for his troubles. Sidewalk slam for Kane. Kane goes up, and the top-rope clothesline connects.

Kane bails and goes after Lita, but Snitsky runs out to save the day and draw the DQ. He goes for a chair, but Kane big boots him down, and they both go brawling through the crowd.

Winner (via DQ): Edge

Suddenly the crowd starts going apeshit, and the same guy who attacked Edge backstage is in the ring, and there are already tons of officials absolutely swarming the ring trying to break up the brawl. That guy sure is bow-legged, just like... HOLY SHIT, IT IS MATT HARDY! Dude!

Officials drag Edge away from the ring while Matt grabs a mic. He calls Adam (not Edge, but "Adam") a bastard and Lita (but not "Amy," surprisingly) a whore, and vows to make both of their lives a living hell. "And the WWE can kiss my ass!" Just then a security guy tackles him, but Matt still manages to work in a plug for his Ring of Honor appearance this weekend before they can wrestle the mic away from him. Ha! It takes ten men to pin him down while they handcuff him (all in a very realistic fashion.) While he's being escorted out, he screams about Johnny Ace and how WWE can kiss his ass. The announcers don't say a word.

Man, that was brilliant. From the announcers ignoring Matt's presence to Matt making shoot comments while he was being "arrested," that was the most flawless execution of an angle as I've ever seen. And because it bears repeating: Holy Shit! Matt Hardy!

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At the Announce Table: The Three Stooges talk about what a wild night it's been (not mentioning Matt by name at all), and we get yet another video package detailing HBK's heel turn last week.

Piper's Pit vs. Time Management

Roddy Piper makes his way to the ring, so naturally, that means it's time for some commercials. Christ. Is it just me, or are there a lot of them tonight?

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Piper's Pit: Special Instructional "How NOT to Conduct an Interview Unless You Want to Get Your Ass Kicked" Video for Up-and-Coming Talk Show Hosts

No bullshit pandering from Piper to start (coughCenacough); he just introduces Michaels right away. Shawn is dressed in his best JesusWear (all white, with a cross around his neck), and looks slightly ashamed of himself.

A surprisingly coherent Piper says he'll make it really simple, from one professional to another: "Why did you blindside Hulk Hogan? Why did you take such a cheap way out?" He hands HBK the mic and lets him speak. (Warning: out of respect for a great segment, the remainder of this recap will be snark-free, unless I come up with something really good.)

HBK says that for the last 20 years, he's come to the ring with one purpose: to give the fans something they'd never forget. He literally broke his back to do it, and he thinks he delivered. "No one has created more RAW and pay-per-view moments than the Heartbreak Kid. No one has left you more WrestleMania memories than the Heartbreak kid. And no one has had a greater impact on the direction of this industry than the Heartbreak Kid." The crowd seems to be agreeing, at least so far, and it becomes very clear that Michaels does indeed believe that he is the Messiah.

He says he heard at the Hall of Fame ceremony this year, he heard the fans screaming for Hogan to wrestle one more match. There, he decided that he would again sacrifice himself to give the fans what they wanted, and last week, he guaranteed that Hogan would have one more match. "I just made sure that last match was going to be against me." Again, the crowd is going along with it, even though there's an undercurrent of boos.

Shawn says that he's never seen Hulk Hogan as immortal, and he wants to prove it. He challenges Hogan to a match at Summerslam. And at SummerSlam, he'll prove that "immortality has a price."

He hands the mic back to Piper, who notes that Michaels still hasn't answered his question: Why? He says that Michaels didn't make the fans, the fans made him. Piper says he remembers when HBK was young and coming up in the business, he'd ask him how to become a main eventer, and Piper told him. "You know why? Because you were worth it." Big round of applause for that. But now? Piper is ashamed of Michaels, and gets in his face about it.

He doesn't understand why Michaels would ruin his reputation when he had everything in the world going for him, and he wants to know why. HBK: "You think this isn't hard for me? Look, I respect you and always have. But I've given my answer, and that's it." He tries to walk away, but Piper ain't having any of that shit. Go, old man, go! He starts a rant that Ric Flair would be proud of and takes off his jacket, screaming that he knows why Michaels did it, and he's going to tell the world: "You know why? Because, Shawn Michaels, you're a coward!"