Sweet christ, you're telling me one idiot has the idea "let's have the Undertaker 

So there, you get a mini-version of my rant right there, and that's more than enough on the subject for now. Because now it's time to find new and exciting things to be pissed off about... and thankfully (!?!?), this was a RAW that supplied plenty items in that basic category.

Lucky us...

Cold Open: Edge (and Lita) are backstage, staring into a camera. Once the little red light goes on, Edge declares that John Cena was not supposed to win the WWE Title last night, and it was a fluke. He gets right up in our grill as he growls "I am not a transitional champion." Keep telling yourself that, Edgeward, but the deed has already been done, my friend. Edge is so confident he can prove this was a fluke that he's not waiting to cash in his rematch clause. He's exercising it TONIGHT. Then, proving that not even he believes he has any real chance of holding the Title for any extended period of time, Edge asked Cena to shine his belt up real nice before handing it over to Edge once and for all. Ummm: who cares about the gay Bling Belt, Edge? If you're winning the title once and for all, you can have them dust off a non-silly-looking belt and shine THAT one up for you to wear. But regardless: that's Edge's request, because he intends to be champion before this night is over.

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we are live in Orlando, FL, home of TNA. Let's just get this out of the way, since I wouldn't be me if I didn't point out that by 1997, WWE couldn't do a show anywhere in the northeastern US without having zealous fans chant "ECW" at them. But WWE can go right into TNA's backyard, and there's not a single sign/mention/peep out of any TNA supporters? Weak. [TNA Apologists Built-In Response: "We're so loyal to TNA that we don't even go to WWE events anymore." Sure you don't.] Anyways, Joey, King, and Coach welcome us to the show, where we are promised not one, but TWO title matches. Not only will Cena defend against Edge, but Big Show and Kane remembered they're the tag team champions and will defend against Carlito and Chris F. Masters. With all that and the proverbial "much much more" coming up, there's no time to waste, so let's send it down to the ring for....

"This is What We Get Stuck With When Bret Hart and The Rock Want Nothing To Do With WWE" Theatre

Vince McMahon silly-walks his way to the ring. Huh, no ramp (that can only mean one thing: this was a super-show dual taping, and Rey Mysterio will be "borrowing" Eddie's Low Rider gimmick yet one more time come Friday). After a Videotape Reminder of what happened at the Royal Rumble (Shane McMahon showed up and eliminated Shawn Michaels after Papa Vince caused a distraction), Vince reveals he is rather pleased that he lived up to his guaran-damn-tee of the week before, and screwed Shawn Michaels.

Sign in the Crowd: "You Screwed Us!". I couldn't agree more. WWE: the only publicly traded company with the motto "The Customer is Never Right."

And then words words word blah blah words cheap heat tactic words blah words, and Vince takes about 3 minutes to convey the simple notion "Sure, I might have abused my power, but who cares? I'm the boss and I can do whatever I want, and nobody can stop me."

But an interruption from Shawn Michaels can at least stop Vince from boring me half-to-sleep. So he shows up, looking all dapper and not-dressed-to-compete, and announces that what he'd really like to do is kick Vince's teeth down his stinking throat. And somewhere, Demolition Smash should get a royalty (but probably didn't). But Shawn knows he can't do that, because he'd get fired. Then Shawn says he might just quit and be done with this whole stupid mess, but he knows he can't do that, because he'd just get sued for breach of contract.

That leaves just one option: do as Vince wishes, and turn back the clock to be the hard-partying jerkface Shawn Michaels. Vince gets excited that Shawn might finally be coming around, but..... no, Shawn assures us that is never happening, because he loves his family and his Jesus too much.

I forget what the transition was (this whole promo was of the type that if you tried to follow its logic, your brain would begin hurting, so it was best if you just accept that it was WWE's attempt to create a "moment" so big that the internal logic and flow of dialogue would be ignored), but somehow Shawn introduced the concept that with all other options looking unappealing, the only way to settle this would be In This Very Ring: Shawn Michaels vs. Vince McMahon. The fan reaction to that? Let's be generous and call it "tepid." It was like a reflexive "oh, that sounds like a spot where we're supposed to cheer for Shawn" pop instead of like a "Wow, this is truly a storyline and a match I cannot wait to see!"... and that tells you everything you need to know about WWE's inability to understand its own audience. 

Or their inability to come up with an attractive enough package to get Bret Hart or The Rock to come in for one shot at WrestleMania 22. Cuz WWE did whiff on those, and this current direction for McMahon and Michaels represents either Plan C or Plan D.

Back to the ring, Vince immediately shoots down Shawn's challenge. When he pauses for the torrent of boos, the mostly-silence he's met with should tell him everything he needs to know about how much the fans care about this being a lynchpin of the WM22 card. Vince says he might step into the ring again some day, but it'll be on his terms. Shawn tries to play to Vince's pride and male ego by questioning the possibly-shriveled-up nature of the once-impressive Grapefruits, but Vince isn't budging.

And then there was another transition that I don't really remember, probably because it didn't really make any logical sense or flow naturally from the preceding dialogue, and all of a sudden Vince decides there's ANOTHER way out of this stalemate. It's for Shawn to commit "Career Suicide" by punching Vince in the face. Cuz Vince knows Shawn wants to do it, and if he does, Vince can not only fire Shawn but then he can sue him for assault as well.

Vince goes WAY over-actor-y at this point, and not to good effect, as he BEGS Shawn to punch him. Hand behind the back, Vince will even kneel down. It's a free shot, Shawn, so c'mon, take it. Vince's fake, cartoonish over-the-top-ish-ness would probably have been less noticeable if the fans had been roaring at this point, but they didn't seem any more than mildly interested in seeing Vince get his ass kicked.

Finally, as Shawn just keeps staring daggers into Vince as Vince taunts him, the other shoe drops: Shane McMahon runs in with a steel chair and whacks Shawn in his (SURGICALLY RECONSTRUCTED~!) back. That actually gets a pop out of the crowd, whether because the fans were bored/annoyed with Shawn for being a pussy and not punching Vince or because Shane is the only McMahon with the Babyface Gene I don't know. But as soon as Shane goes to help his dad and the two start looking all proud of their handiwork, there are no further cheers. Father and son depart the ring, where Michaels' limp carcass remains.

Well: if the notion of Michaels vs. McMahon (or preferably, versus BOTH McMahons) at WrestleMania strikes you as a big-time match, worth of the WM stage and a worthwhile use of Michaels' talents, then you probably thought this was a good opening segment where the "moment" of setting the stage for WM made up for gaping logic holes. But that's not really anything that I consider remotely compelling, not as a WM-worthy feud/match, anyway, and thus, I was more just noting how clunky and plodding this was... from the demonstrably tepid live fan reaction, I don't think I'm alone in being underwhelmed by the notion that when all other plans failed, WWE has apparently decided that Michaels vs. Vince and/or Shane is going to masquerade as one of WM's top-line matches.

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In the Parking Lot: Todd Grisham caught up with the McMahons, asking why they set up Shawn Michaels like that. Shane does the talking, and says something about "respect" and how Shawn needs to learn it the same way Bret Hart and Steve Austin did. Oooookay, whatever. Nothing says "Talented Writers" more than zero-content segments where absolutely nothing new, interesting, or compelling is added to existing characters or storylines. Viva la Pointlessness! Oh, and then after saying nothing interesting or new, both McMahons hop into a limo. So, ummmm, without a GM, who the fuck is in charge the rest of tonight? Or should I just stop thinking, altogether, if I'm to derive a single ounce of enjoyment out of this bafflingly logic-hole-ridden debacle tonight?

Rob Van Dam vs. Snitsky

RVD enters to a huge pop, and is definitely still very over with the fans. Snitsky didn't even get an entrance, he was already standing in the ring; plus 10 for saving time, minus several million for it still being fricking Snitksy.

First minute or two are sort of nicely-done back-and-forthy spots where Snitsky would try to use his power/size, and RVD would have an answer from his arsenal of wacky high-flying moves. But then that came to an end with RVD went for one of his wacky high-flying moves, and Snitsky intercepted him coming off the ropes with a clothesline.

So thus began 4 minutes of hell. Snitsky was in control, and I believe the entire segment could be effectively and accurately summed up thiswise: slobber, chinlock, hopespot, knocker, bearhug, hopespot, and then more slobberknockering. Thrilling, and a perfect way to really remind fans that they might as well give up on RVD ever being presented in a remotely compelling way by WWE.

Snitsky finally plodded through just about everything in his arsenal and went for the Big Boot o' Suck, but Van Dam blocked that, and turned it into a spin-kicky type thing of his own to jumpstart his comeback. RVD plays all the hits, including Rolling Thunder, and mercifully finishes things off without too much more difficulty by hitting the Five Star Frog Splash.

Your Winner: Rob Van Dam, via pinfall, in about 6-8 minutes. I think, if one is honest, you have to admit that Van Dam looks noticeably rusty and maybe should have asked for a month or so of OVW assignments before coming back to TV. But you can also lay an even larger amount of blame on WWE for trying to ask RVD to get an entertaining match out of fricking Snitsky. And for asking him to work a full match with a stultifyingly dull middle half, instead of just getting to go out on TV and kick some ass in a short, explosive, convincing 3 minute return match. Bleh.

Lies: a lot of stuff happened at the Royal Rumble. But no matter what WWE tries to make you think in this video package, none of it was anywhere near good enough to justify buying the encore. WWE is, to be perfectly blunt, lying to us. Oh, my faith in humanity has just been forever shattered by this shocking discovery...

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Backstage: Shelton Benjamin is getting chewed out by his Mama, who doesn't want excuses, she wants a Champion. Shelton tries to play like he's intimidated by his Mama's demands, but pretty much only succeeds in setting the tone that this is not unlike a crappy 70's sitcom. Mama eventually tells Shelton to go fetch her a sammich, or something, and when he comes back, Mama's gonna need a neck rub. Mama plops down onto a couch, and when gloved hands start massaging her shoulders, she somehow manages to make the assumption that Shelton is behind her. So dumb. Of course, it's Goldust, and when Mama discovers this, she starts freaking out. She doesn't know who Goldust is, so Goldust helps her out with a brief introduction that includes the description "Prince of Perversion." And which somehow also managed to work in a fondness for Golden Showers. That sicky. Mama is apparently more a fan of the Cleveland Steamers, and wants Goldust to be leaving, cuz he's creeping her out. Goldust says he'll leave, but she'll see him again, later tonight. "Oh no I won't," says Mama. But oh yes you will, and when she does, she'll never forget the name of [deep inhale, pause for nipple rub, big chomp] Goldust. Goldust leaves, and Mama collapses. Pretty silly, but whatever: at least this creates a reason for a Goldust/Shelton match later tonight...

Elsewhere Backstage: Maria the Mic Stand has an interview with Triple H, and wants to know what he thinks about coming in third. HHH glosses over the fact that he didn't win, and goes on to belittle the fact that Rey Mysterio did win. Because something that flukey, it has to come from a Higher Power. Possibly Divine Intervention from Eddie Guerrero. [Christ, at the Rumble on Sunday, my friends and I actually joked about the Ghost of Eddie Guerrero becoming a WWE Character, given the careless and capricious way they were constantly referencing Eddie. But we were just joking, dammit. This is just sleazy; that's not to say that there aren't very cool, classy, and compelling ways to keep Eddie's memory alive and use him as Rey's inspiration for a title shot. Because there are, and if I'd done my Fantasy Universe, you'd have seen some of them. But WWE -- starting last week and through RAW -- has really started using Eddie in a way that's nothing but cheap.] So anyway: to take out his frustrations at the Ghost of Eddie Guerrero screwing him at the Rumble to give Rey a total fluke victory, tonight, HHH will face Chavo Guerrero. Apparently, right now, because HHH's music starts up immediately and he leaves the interview station. 

Triple H vs. Time Management

So we cut back into the arena, where Hunter does about a three-quarter-length ring entrance, and then we have to break for...

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Chavo Guerrero vs. Triple H 

And when we're back from ads, Chavo's already in the ring, and has joined Snitsky on the "doesn't-even-get-an-entrance" list for tonight. May seem a small thing, but audiences are more than savvy enough to pick up on them and subconsciously note "Chavo Cannot Win," which saps any sense of drama out of the match. It's doubly worse when you awkwardly structure the show so that you sneak in Triple H's Disembodied Ring Entrance before the ad break, and then don't give Chavo anything upon returning....

Opening minute of the match is Trips just manhandling Chavo out of the gate, like King Kong Bundy squashing midgets at WM3. But then Chavo hits a quick flurry of moves, including a dropkick that sends HHH flying out of the ring, where he saunters around, collecting his thoughts, and revising his gameplan.

Now aware that Chavo is a Worthy Adversary, HHH gets back in the ring, and they basically reset, going for basic opening-match back-and-forthy. Trading armbars and chain-wrestling. Nothing fancy, though the lull in the action did allow the announcers MORE than enough time to add to the "cheapness" vibe by doing various riffs on the Ghost of Eddie Guerrero concept. Coach was especially bad, and not just in a "disrespectful" way but also in the kind of way where the things he was saying were so stupid that they're actually counter productive to the story that WWE (for better or for worse) is trying to tell.

Chavo seems to be gaining a bit of momentum, and he again tosses HHH out of the ring. And when HHH gets back on the apron, Chavo sends him flying again, this time with HHH crashing into the ringside barricade. But then Chavo tries one big move too many, and whiffs on a plancha. So HHH is back in the ring and in charge, and Chavo's carcass is laying at ringside. Let's break for....

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Back, and HHH is still firmly in control, and will remain so for the next 6 minutes or so. And while Trips' offense is easily three times more exciting and better-executed than Snitsky's, if you ask him to spread it out over twice as long a timeframe than Snitsky did earlier, you still end up with a clear-cut sensation of too little butter being spread over too much toast, if you take my meaning.

So with the crowd sort of out-of-it, the only real heat during this extended sequence was of the cheapest kind: whenever Hunter would bust out the Eddie Shimmy-Shake Dance. BOO~! Finally, it was time to move things along, so Triple H actually turned his gazy skyward and openly mocked the Ghost of Eddie Guerrero. Great. Then he applied the dreaded Sleeperhold. And then, as if on cue -- in a point hammered home with great enthusiasm by the announcers, almost as if somebody was speaking to them through their headsets -- THE GHOST OF EDDIE GUERRERO STRUCK~! Because there's NO OTHER EXPLANATION for a heel applying a rest hold towards the end of a match and then the babyface magically escapes it to start a rally!

NO OTHER EXPLANATION! NONE! Ghost of Eddie Guerrero: it's the only logical possibility.

Chavo rallies out of the sleeper, and the two trade fists, and Chavo's able to get the better of that. Three Amigos. But when Chavo goes up top to hit Uncle Eddie's Frog Splash (not to be confused with the Five Star Frog Splash, which is the only Frog Splash proven to so impactful that it actually causes abdominal damage to the man delivering it), HHH moves. One Pedigree later, and that's all she wrote. It should be noted that by the end of the match, there were more than a few people cheering FOR Triple H.

Your Winner: Triple H, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. Certainly not bad, but like I said: the extended middle portion of the match just seemed too long and belabored. A case where, even if the execution is OK, WWE's still taking us on a too-long unnecessary detour to get to a place where we didn't even really want to go to begin with. That's a more and more common problem for WWE (it used to only be the case for patented Vince McMahon 10 Minute Promos Containing Only 3 Minutes Worth Of Content). And this blows for Chavo, who had been delivering the types of performances that would always get fans to change from "Eddie" chants to "Chavo" chants by the end of his matches... and now, he's just a pawn for the Ghost of Eddie Guerrero story, forcibly written back INTO the shadow of his uncle's legacy. Brilliant, WWE, brilliant.

Backstage: Carlito and Chris F. Masters are preparing for their tag title match, and Carlito is nattering on about how Shaq is such a punk for hitting him with a chair. Note how WWE coaxed Shaq into doing a little mini-angle for them, but they've not once showed it on TV? That's for a reason, people. It looked awful. But Chris F. Masters isn't listening because he's too busy oiling himself up like the narcissistic douchebag we all know he is. And though his muteness is a good thing for The Home Viewers, Carlito's a bit miffed at being ignored. He realizes that this is probably about Carlito eliminating Masters from the Rumble and also from the Elimination Chamber match. It was all "accidental" says Carlito in a way that makes it impossible to hate the guy. But Carlito still tries to be a big man, and apologizes, and says they need to put that behind them and be a team tonight, because they can become Tag Team Champions. "Are we cool?" asks Carlito. Masters stares at him, and then bitchslaps Carlito in the face. And then, with all the convincing-ness of the lead in a Special Needs Fourth Grade Production of "The Wizard of Oz," he declares "Now we're cool." More and more, I think JBL's use of "monkey boy" is every bit as fitting a nickname for this tool as Chris "F." Masters. He needs about 800,000 more years of evolution before he's ready to interact effectively with the homo sapiens.... 

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Big Show/Kane vs. Carlito Cool/Chris F. Masters (Tag Team Title Match)

This match should have been the end of a concerted 3-week storyline coming out of the Elimination Chamber... I mean, it could practically have written itself. But instead, it has the decided feel of having been freshly plucked out of somebody's posterior.

Carlito and Masters are still semi-bickering as the match starts and they can't decide who'll begin. Big Show settles the issue by grabbing Carlito for a bit o' fun. "SHHHH!" Chops and all the crowd pleasers, sold to perfection by Carlito. 

The Big Show passed Carlito off to Kane for some more clubbering. It gets so bad that Kane goes for a pinfall after a running powerslam, and Chris F. Masters has to come in to break up the count. Kane quickly gets up and shoves Masters out of the ring (no doubt telling him, "Get out of here, assface. The capable wrestlers are trying to have a match. You go back and stand on the apron where you can't fuck things up too badly.)... but the distraction was enough to allow Carlito to make a full recovery.

One double-knee back-breaker later, and Kane is your Babyface In Peril. Carlito enjoys a minute or so of Sweet Sweet Revenge against Kane, but then decides that the best way to piss off the fans and be the Best Heel He Can Be is to tag in Masters. So he does. CFM continues the very basic beatdown, but thanks to frequent interference by Carlito, the fans actually stay into things and rally behind Kane a bit. 

Masters eventually cinches in the full nelson on Kane, but Kane's struggles ended up nudging him towards his own corner, where Masters ended up within arm's reach of Big Show. One shot to the head later, and the full nelson was released. And Show was tagged in. Very nice House Afire Sequence for Show, who manhandled both CFM and Carlito for a minute or so. Then Carlito low-bridged Show and tried to brawl with him on the outside, while inside, Kane had tried to rejoin the fight, but was again in a full nelson. Well: Big Show quickly got the better of Carlito, and rammed him into the steel ringpost, and then got into the ring. 

Masters released the full nelson on Kane to engage Big Show (Show, afterall, WAS the legal man). Dum dum tried to put the full nelson on Big Show after 30 seconds or so of tussling, but that simply wasn't gonna work. Masters is now in trouble, and it gets worse and Kane decides to lend a hand for a Double Chokeslam. Carlito's still outside the ring, and wants none of this action, apparently. So just that easily, Masters is pinned.

Your Winners: Big Show and Kane, via pinfall, to retain the Tag Team Titles. At just about 6 minutes, this was actually the PERFECT length, unlike the other two matches so far, and didn't have any sense of drag to it. The finish was nicely big and "busy" feeling, too, adding an actual sense of pay-off and climax. If I had a complaint, it's that WWE really whiffed on an opportunity to cash in on a full-time Carlito/Masters tag team that would give Masters a chance to continue developing in a role where his many deficiencies could be masked until he fixed them. But instead of going that route, it looks like this was just a one-off deal, and the tag titles will go back to being ignored and Masters will go back to stinking up the joint in primarily singles action.

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Backstage: Maria catches up with Rob Van Dam and asks him about what he "just did" to Carlito. Um: so the inference is that RVD attacked Carlito during the commercials? But production monkeys aren't gonna bother showing it to us? I mean, I'm not stupid, I can make that leap of logic. But when you have Maria asking the question, and just about the only thing she's shown an ability to do well is act like the dimmest bimbo of all times, some fans are gonna wonder if she flubbed a line, and will only be more confused as a result... but whatever, I guess RVD really *did* attack Carlito, and we really *aren't* gonna get the benefit of a courtesy replay. Because RVD says that what he just did was payback for when Carlito attacked his knee back in June and set RVD's recovery back another six months. But RVD doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He invites us to just wait and watch, because he'll SHOW us that RVD is nobody's stepping stone.

Elsewhere Backstage: Todd Grisham has Mickie James for an interview. Why, Todd asks, does Mickie James have a big Trish Stratus Celebration lined up for tonight? Mickie, to paraphrase, says "Duh, because Trish is Awesome." That would bring to one (1) the total of relatively clear-headed things Mickie has said since debuting! But Mickie elaborates, saying that admitting to Trish that she loves Trish was really hard for her to do. But then, when Trish counted three in "our" match (nice subtly-psycho use of the plural possessive) to beat Ashley, Trish proved that she loves Mickie. The hoots and whistles in the background tell me that WWE need a collective eye-ball punch for going this route when, again, this is a storyline that practically writes itself, but they're being all asshatted about it, and getting too writer-y and cutesy. Anyway, Mickie closes by saying that her celebration with Trish tonight is gonna be super-awesome, and that she'll "repay Trish's love a zillion times" (more hooting from the easily-amused, and easily-aroused?, fans).

Video Package: John Cena was the champ. Then Edge was. Now Cena is again. Whee.

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Even Dumber Than Dancing With the Stars: Candice Michelle made a new commercial. And WWE decides to waste 3 minutes of our lives telling us about it. Snitsky gets eight minutes, the HHH/Chavo match was over-long, and this mind-numbingly pointless tripe gets 3 minutes? And yet, when RVD attacks Carlito in an Actual Storyline Development, we don't get to see it. I am not joking, people: this is the sort of decision making that would get somebody (or somebodies) fired in just about any other company. But WWE thinks this is Good TV. So awful. So frustrating. If WWE's going to internally credit DVR/Tivo (and not Edge) for recent ratings gains, here's hoping that somehow the technology exists to someday tell WWE when those of us making use of a Time Shift hit the Fast Forward Button. And then that data causes somebody to take their head out of their ass long enough to suggest, "Umm, maybe what if we stopped putting stuff in our TV shows that are so pointless or boring that most people FF it?"... wouldn't that be nice?

[Note to anybody who's either a WWE Apologist or perhaps even to those at Titan Tower who are checking in (hi, guys!): if your argument is that garbage like Candice's commercial shoot "builds her character" and that in turn she might, at a later date, help generate ratings because fans are tricked into thinking she's a bigger star than she really is, and if your argument for NOT showing the RVD/Carlito thing is because its a way to trick people into visiting the website if they want to see it, well.... if those are your arguments, just pop off behind the shed and put a bullet in your head. If the TV show was already strong, then fine, you can start focusing on ancillary things. But when you're producing a sub-par core product, and then wasting your energy on things that should be on Page Two of the "priorities list," you're just missing the point in a truly heroic fashion. And really: there's no defense for delivering the type of tripe that 90% of your audience would fast-forward if they had the technology to do so. None. And what the hell logic is there in thinking that a show that contains fast-forwardable moments will in anyway motivate a single person to waste FURTHER time by visiting your website to see additional footage? Also none.]

Shelton Benjamin vs. Goldust

Shelton's Mama was apparently so scandalized by Goldust earlier that now she's in a wheelchair and breathing from an oxygen tank. Funny or just plain dumb? YOU make the call.

Goldust gets off to a hot start, out-brawling Shelton for a minute or so. But when Goldust tries to suplex Shelton back into the ring, it gets reversed into a neckbreaker, and Shelton's in command. And he's trying really hard to be a heel, even pausing at times to yell stuff like "Who's the mama's boy, now?"... but after 2 weeks, it now officially appears that's a catchphrase that shan't be catching on.

In fact, it's Shelton's cockiness and showboating that opens the door for Goldust's comeback. Mama gets all worked up as Goldust puts a whupping on her boy, and throws her slipper at Goldust. All this does is catch the attention of the ref, who is distracted long enough to set Shelton up and hit him with the Golden Globes Sac Punt. 

Now, Mama's REALLY pissed, and starts yelling at Goldust. So Goldust goes out to scandalize her some more by rubbing various body parts in her general direction. This is how, when Goldust finally got back in the ring after a minute-plus of his perversely amusing body-rubbing, Shelton just hit him with a T-Bone Powerslam out of nowhere. Fin.

Your Winner: Shelton Benjamin, via pinfall, in about 3-4 minutes. I'm a Goldust fan, and the basic reason why is that he can do all the creepy/funny stuff that's gotten Boogeyman over, but then you ring the bell and he can, you know?, ACTUALLY WRESTLE. Thus: he actually has a shelf-life longer than 10 months. I'm a bit disappointed that he's apparently only back to be cannon fodder for a 300 pound black woman. I'd much rather see Goldust on SD!, where he and Boogey would actually make GREAT partners, as Goldust could bring the funny, and then in matches, Boogey wouldn't have to do anything but stand around and periodically do something weird while Goldust did all the work, but whatever.... for what it was, this was relatively effective and didn't overstay its welcome at all.

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Backstage: Shelton was wheeling his Mama back to the dressing room, both of them all proud of his win. Mama is deposited in the dressing room, and Shelton sees somebody he'd like to talk to... Ric Flair. Although Flair is busy chatting up Victoria, Boobies, and Torrie, he makes time for Shelton and even graciously congratulates him on his win. But Shelton's not so gracious back. He says that he's got his confidence back, and now, after he "beat Gold," he's ready to wear it. Specifically, Flair's InterContinental Gold. Flair shoots back that it's nice to see Shelton get his confidence back, but if he thinks he's taking the IC Title, he's got another thing coming. Because a Mama's Boy will never beat the Nature Boy. Whoooo! Flair walks away, but not without turning back for a couple more surprise Whooos. Shelton appears miffed, to say the least. I'd rather have seen somebody remember the IC Title months sooner, and have it be on Carlito now (which would make his feud with RVD all the more tasty, since you could do a ladder match at WM), but this'll work, too... maybe RVD finishes Carlito off sooner rather than later and he and Shelton hook it up for the IC belt come Mania? That'd sure as hell starch my pants-crease. Mheh heh heh heh. That sounded dirrrrty.

Micke James and Trish Stratus' Live Sex Celebration?

Note to whichever of the trOOps it was who, in the Rumble Preview, predicted that Mickie would beat Ashley, and then go on to have a Live Sex Celebration with Trish the next night on RAW: I hate you. Stop giving WWE bad ideas.

Mickie says we're here tonight to celebrate the greatest night in Mickie's life: she professed her love for Trish at the Rumble, and then she beat Ashley when Trish proved she loved her back. So let's bring out the Guest of Honor...

Trish comes out, and a bunch of balloons and confetti fall from the rafters. Trish, however, is looking anything but in a celebratory mood. I should also note that, excellent wardrobe choices aside, she's looking like she needs to lay off Chris F. Masters' baby oil. She used it at the Rumble, too, and I hope it's not a new permanent feature. Perhaps not quite as annoying an accoutrement as Body Glitter, but she's only busting it out to help emphasize the fact that she's not been eating her FDA Daily Recommended Allowance of Cheeseburgers since coming back from her injured back. Athletic, a bit compact, and (to use an adjective that probably doesn't strike anybody else as complimentary, but that's how I mean it) sturdy? Me likey. But actually ripped? Well, it's still Trish and I can easily cope, but oiling-up so as to really bring out the visible arm veins isn't so much my thing. I liken this to  picking out a nice steak: a thick-ish cut is what I crave (no pansy, skinny-ass NY Strip Steak for me), and any butcher will tell you that there's definitely such a thing as over-trimming and going too lean, because without that perfect tinge of proper marbling, the steak just won't feel and taste right. Yes, I said it: Girls are just like pieces of meat to me. I'm The Rick, and now Karmic Justice will insure that I don't so much as touch a booby for at least three months. Great.

But my nimble typing fingers digress. Back on topic: Micke tries to be all huggy and chummy, but you can tell Trish isn't gonna play along with any whack-job shennanigans. When Mickie won't quit yapping about how great it is to have Trish out for the big celebration, Trish cuts her off to say that she's not out here for the celebration.... she's out here to...

Be interrupted, mid-thought, by the Spirit Squad. Mickie says she worked with them on a very special cheer for the occasion. Ready? OK. And then some combination of mic failure and the dum-dums forgetting their lines resulted in the punchline of the cheer being horribly mangled. It partially came through, and the announcers sort of did damage control, by piecing together that -- following a cheer where they talked about Mickie's great love for the awesome Trish Stratus -- the punchline was that tonight's the night Trish says she loves Mickie back. Oy.

Back to the ring, where Mickie thinks that was just the greatest cheer ever (EVER?), and gushes some more about how happy Trish made her last night, and how it's so special that Trish is out here tonight to join in the celebration and tell the world how she feels. At which point Trish is about to say something, something clearly uncomfortable, but again she's interrupted.

By Diva Search Ashley. Ashley walks to the ring, a bit more all-business than usual.  And she wastes no time grabbing a mic and saying, "Look, Trish, I know you want to be delicate about this, so if you can't bring yourself to say it, I'll say it for you. Mickie: Trish isn't your friend. She's just like everybody else in this arena. She thinks you're a psycho." Nice. Problem is, there's a BIT of booing in there, because some percentage of WWE's socially-awkward pubescent audience is under the impression that Mickie is a Hot LESBIAN Psycho, and that's all they care about, so Ashley (and Trish, by proxy) are being spoil sports.

Mickie immediately flies off the handle ("No! That's not true!" and so forth), while the majority of the crowd makes it clear they are right-thinking adults by having some fun and chanting "She's a Psycho" at Mickie, which only makes her spazzier ("No I'm not! Tell 'em Trish! That's not what you think, is it?").

Finally, Trish feels the need to speak. And she won't lie, but she does try to sugarcoat things a bit... her opening line is "Look Mickie, you're a special woman, but..." And that's more than enough for Mickie to read between the lines, and flip out again. She starts crying and when Trish tries to console her, Mickie's all "Nevermind, just leave me alone and I promise I'll never bother you again." Mickie leaves the ring.

Well: pretends to. Because as soon as Ashley turns her back on Mickie, Mickie storms back and tackles Ashley, and starts laying a beating on her. But then: Ashley's nobody's tackling dummy any more. She's learned a few things and fights back, actually mounting (christ, bad choice of words given my concerns over how certain fans are reacting to this storyline) Mickie and raining down blows. In a situation like that, you break things up by pulling off the aggressor. In this case, that mean when Trish got involved, she pulled Ashley away and held her at bay to cool her down. Problem is, as soon as Mickie's on her feet, she shoves past Trish and spin kicks Ashley in the face. And then proceeds to celebrate, thanking Trish, because OBVIOUSLY Trish pulled Ashley off and kept her distracted until Mickie could kick her because Trish [hearts] Mickie.

This is clearly not the correct interpretation of things, but Mickie's gonna run with it. As Trish looks positively nonplussed in the ring, Mickie bounces to the back, her tears of sadness now turned into tears of joy. 

Huh. No irreparable damage done, really, and this could still be salvaged so as to make sure Trish/Mickie have a killer blow-off match at Mania... but by deviating into all these silly little sidebars instead of just going for the meat-and-potatoes of what SHOULD be the story, they are running a few minor risks. Case in point: if all Mickie wants to do is make sweet, sweet love to Trish, there's always going to be some fans who think that's OMG HOTT~!, instead of thinking it's more akin to Randy Orton continually pestering a girl to have sex with him even though she's not interested in any way, shape, or form. Not that that would ever happen, but it's just a fer-instance. And among those socially stunted morons, they've now planted the seed that Mickie James -- despite being one of WWE's most-easily boo-able characters, just because nobody likes a whackjob -- is to be cheered for. Nothing that can't be fixed, but I do wish more thought was being put into the details and character development so that I didn't keep having these concerns that this potentially-excellent storyline is one misstep away from totally flying off the tracks.

More Lies: WWE claims the Royal Rumble was excellent and that you should buy the replay. They are wrong.

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John Cena vs. Edge (WWE Title Match)

Edge enters first, with Lita. Cena enters second, mercifully without the cackle-inducingly awful Mothership Entrance that he used at the Rumble. If they grow a set of balls and turn Cena heel, THEN you bring back the Mothership, because it's guaranteed to make its user at least 78% less-cool-looking!

Crowd reaction is definitely mixed again, which given that nobody really LIKES Edge (they just don't so much like Cena), is a pretty bad sign. Although the balance tips in favor of Cena, since this IS Orlando, Home Of The Wanker Fans, there are some "Let's Go Cena/Let's Go Edge" chants peppered in at time. Nee haw?

Opening several minutes are.... well, I can definitively state that they were minutes long. Beyond that, no real major developments or excitement. Just a back and forth brawl, where oddly enough, the bigger/more-exciting spots were Edge's, and Cena actually busted out a headlock, a front-facelock, and a chinlock at various times to make sure things didn't get too exciting.

As a point of emphasis, and to underscore my point: after about 3 minutes of this, Edge was going up top, but Cena caught him and shoved him off in what was definitely a specatcular-looking (and potentially sympathy-inducing) Holy Shit spot. Edge flew from the top rope and brained himself on the announce table. And what single interesting thing has Cena done all match, so far? Nada, as far as I remember.

Anyway, Edge is a wreck outside the ring, being tended to by Lita and Lita's cleavage. I think he'll be OK, but given the view, he'll probably milk it long enough for us to break for our final....

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Back, and Edge is in control (with replays showing us that Cena eventually followed Edge out of the ring, and ended up eating steel ring steps for his troubles, which caused the shift in momentum)...

No real focus to the attack as near as I could tell, but Cena again added to the List Of Cool Things He Did (Which Is More Than You Can Say For Cena) when he hit a top rope frankensteiner. Nice. And again: not necessarily done on purpose, but is the sort of move that (when Cena's sticking to boring ol' punchy-kicky) is gonna attract the fans' eyes and make their loyalties wander.

Edge's offensive continued for a few minutes, until formula dictated that he surrender it by applying a rest hold. But even in this category, Edge "out-cooled" Cena by picking some wacky body-scissors, guillotine, front-sleeper thingie that I'm sure has a name, but mostly, all you have to know is this: it actually looks sorta neat, which puts it on the shortlist of compelling submission holds which I will never bitch about being used for the purpose of jumpstarting a babyface comeback. Give me a choice between a babyface being on the brink of passing out to a fricking Chinlock or Bearhug (or Shitty Full Nelson) and on the brink of passing out to something so cool looking I can't even accurately describe it well? C'mon, it's a no-brainer....

Cena, obligatorially, DOES eventually find the Inner Reserves of Strength to stage a rally. Backdrops Edge to get out of the front sleeper-dealy, and then busts out the punching, kicking, and wacky shoulder-tackling that's made him the star he is today. Ahem. And devil his due: when Edge threatened to end the rally with a flying cross body off the top rope, Cena caught him and turned it into a power slam. Not unimpressive. But being the root cause of one interesting spot in a 12 minute match does not Championship Material make.

Edge finally DOES stamp out the rally by reversing his way out of an embryonic F-U and into an I-Refuse-to-Call-it-an-Edge-o-matic. Let's call it an "inverted face buster," instead. And thus, we enter the back-and-forthy, near-fall-teasing, lots-of-reversing-and-re-reversing excitement that is End Game...

'Twasn't an extended End Game, sadly. I think Cena's lone convincing near fall came after he did his Zany Suplex/Five-Knuckle-Shuffle combo (to more than a few groans/boos sprinkled in with the ear-drum-straining squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's). And Edge's best one involved him trying to put his feet on the ropes for illegal extra leverage, but Cena still kicked out.

Then a double-reverse-y spot, where Cena ended up trying to set up for the F-U, but instead, Edge went crashing into the referee. He's down, so Edge takes advantage by triple-upper-cutting Cena in his man-region. And since the ref is still out, and there's no three-count to be had, he begins orchestrating a different knock-out blow.... why? Well, because apparently, Edge knows something we don't about Cena. Namely that in his man-region, Cena does not possess a tender, delicate ball-sac, a triple uppercut to which should easily result in minutes, if not hours of paralyzing pain, but rather some form of mangina.

And sure enough, just as Lita's bringing the WWE Title belt into the ring, Superman (or testicle-free) Cena is already back on his feet. He sneaks up behind Edge, and hoists him up for the F-U. The ref is now up on his feet, and Lita's just standing there with title belt. So she....

Whaps Edge in the face with it?

Yep. So the ref calls for the bell.

Your Winner: Edge, via disqualification, in about 10-12 minutes. Huh. I'll say it was probably just about equally as good as the PPV match they had. Which is to say "a little above average at best, but still more than enough to be the highlight of this mostly-crapfest of a 2 hour show." The finish? I dunno. I'm guessing it didn't come off as cleanly or clearly as WWE hoped, given the confusion of the announcers and the need for many replays before they started trying to tell the story, and that certainly didn't help either.... to that end, let's quickly close with a recap of what happened....

After the Match: Edge was on one side of the ring looking flat-out confused as a ref raised his hand in victory. Lita was on the other side of the ring looking like she was concerned that she just fucked up. And Cena was in the ring looking vaguely annoyed. The reactions led me to believe that the final spot was SUPPOSED to be Lita aiming for Cena, but Cena swings Edge around, causing her to miss and accidentally hit Edge. The confusion of the announcers and the recanting/back-tracking once they saw more replays (where Lita very obviously just aimed directly at Edge's head and that's all there is to it) re-affirms this belief. But I also don't know for sure. It seems, given the way things looked on replay, that the best possible "save" would be to have this be a deal where Lita improvised once the ref was awake, and made sure that Edge would win the match (thus clinching him another re-match, possibly?)... even though the timing/replays will make this a bit of a stretch in terms of logic, it's better than anything else I'm coming up with. You could even make it a deal where the story is that Lita did this on purpose to get Edge another re-match when it looked like he was about to lose his first one, but you don't do the reveal for a few weeks (maybe not till Saturday Night's Main Event), and in the interim, tease an Edge/Lita break-up because of the head-smashing, and possibly even teasing a Lita/Cena coupling (since if Cena's so street, he'll bone himself a freaky-ass ho if she's available), before doing the reveal in which Edge/Lita would get the better of Cena.

Just spit-ballin' folks, cuz that was one sloppy-ass and confusing finish that didn't come off well at all. The announcers eventually back-tracked their way into almost turning it into a "whodunnit?" mystery. [Well, more a "whydunnit?", but you get the idea.] But the important thing is first impressions, and my first impression of the finish was "What the hell was that mess?".... but I, like you, will probably still be tuning in next week to find out the answer, so who's really the dummies?

Ouch, my irony.