Well, it looks like you can pencil in a second likely WrestleMania match... but like Michaels/McMahon, it's more a kind of gimmicky side-bar, not part of On-Going WWE Operations. So that leaves both brands still lacking a distinct, ultra-compelling direction for their top titles and talents as WM looms ever larger on the horizon.

Not necessarily a good place to be. 
 

More likely: he's back to be a bee in Edge's bonnet, and there'll be nothing to do about it except fight at WM22.

RAW also narrowed the field of potential WM challengers to John Cena's title to four. But of them, it sure as hell looks like Triple H is getting the free pass to the Mania Main Event. Then again, Rob Van Dam looked sharp in a win, and (if only voting can be trusted) has the mandate of the fans.

Other than that, there's more questions than answers, which at this crucial time of the booking year almost creates an incessant background thrum that's always there, always keeping you on edge. You keep expecting to turn some corner, and suddenly see the big picture develop, but instead, the waters just keep getting muddier. And so the thrum increases and creates more tension... it becomes distracting as I watch the TV shows. I know that it leads to me being a bit more critical. Not necessarily because a show like last night's sucked out loud. But just because its not doing enough to make me excited, not doing enough to convince me that there are creative, intelligent people who have a plan...

I mean, here are some questions that got more complicated (instead of more clear) last night: what's gonna be the disposition of the tag titles at WM? Will Mickie James ever just flip out and destroy Trish Stratus, or are we doomed to more weeks of soap opera-y crap that totally sidetracks what could be a killer WM match? Or worse, was Candice Michelle telling the truth on Leno when she said she'd be wrestling for the women's title at WM22? And is Shelton Benjamin feuding with Ric Flair over the IC Title, or with Big Show over the death of his mom?

OK, so Shelton's Mama dying sucked out loud. But other than that, one could make a case that all the pieces fit into their slots and worked about as well as they could. I just continue to feel like they're doing it in a flamboyantly underwhelming fashion. Over these next 7 weeks, WWE needs to shoot for less fan reactions in the "Oh well, that's about what I was expecting" category, and more fan reactions in the "Wow, I continue to be more excited for this WrestleMania with each passing week" category.

I think this week was another one firmly in the former category. Where the best you can do is pat WWE on the back for precisely living up to your expectations of them and to the exacting standards that they've been living up to for 20 months. 

See if you agree....

Historical Video Package: WrestleMania's a big fat hairy deal that once featured star-studded line-ups. And the road to this year's likely-less-star-studded version begins tonight...

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in Atlanta, GA... wait, Atlanta? How the hell did I not get a Staff Memo about that ahead of time? I'm in frequent contact with Erin and always trade an e-mail a week with Jason on TNA matters, and I don't get a Courtesy Reminder from either so I can chime in with my orders for a third-year-in-a-row of OO-endorsed signage? Bad, trOOps, bad! Joey, King, and Coach are not nearly as offended by the lack of social graces, though, as they're too busy informing us that Atlanta will be the home for the four first round matches in a #1 Contender's Tournament. And it doesn't get any bigger than that. But before the wrestling, we shall open with...

"If It's the Road to WrestleMania, That Must Mean Completely Random Appearances by Legends" Theatre... TOUGH GUY!

Maria the Mic Stand is in the ring, apparently to conduct an interview, since she immediately introduces us to "The Former WWE Champion, Edge." Ask, and ye shall receive, Maria... out come Edge and Lita, looking pretty chummy considering that WWE had gone out of its way in the past week to plant the seed that they were on the outs.

Which is the subject Maria immediately wants to jump ahead to, as she did that thing where she simply pointed out an obvious factual statement, but inflected it so it seemed like a question: "So Lita, last week you smacked Edge in the head with the WWE Title belt?".  Edge takes a mic and immediately declares that's not important right now, because he's got a big announcement about next week's RAW.

Next week, Edge will get a re-rematch against John Cena for the WWE Title. Why? Because Edge WON his match last week, albeit via DQ, and he's entitled to another shot. Now, as to WHY he won via DQ... well, that is because he got hit in the head by Lita. And one can only wonder about her motivations.

Lita registered just about her only flicker of uncertainty or concern as Edge ran down a list of possibilities: was it purely by accident? Is Lita somehow smitten with Cena and turning on Edge? Was it all part of a masterful plot by Lita to give Edge a cheap win? But us losers in the audience will never know the answer, because that's for them to know and us to gossip about. And good luck figuring it out, because Edge assures us he's always four steps ahead of us.

All the fans have to know is that Edge will stay ahead of them and ahead of Cena, and next week, he will resume his WWE Title Reign, and pick up right where he left off. So (turning to Maria), Edge makes a big deal out of NOT being billed as a "Former" champ any more. In fact, he'd like Maria to re-do his intro, announcing Edge as a "Future" champ. 

When Maria protests, Lita steps in and threatens her, and Maria finally relents and makes the announcement. Then Edge's music plays, and we appear to be through, except....

"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan? Duggan and his 2"x4" "Ho-oooooooo" their way down to the ring, and the fans mostly get in on the fun. As a childhood owner of a Foam 2"x4", I should probably be, too. Except that history proved I was young and stupid. And you know where this is going, anyway...

And so does Edge, who immediately pre-empts Duggan by saying, "Don't you dare do it." Duggan plays dumb, and is having too much fun playing to the crowd. Edge warns him again. Duggan spontaneously starts up a "USA, USA" chant, and Edge rips the words right out of my brain when he says "What the hell does USA, USA have to do with anything, dammit?". Duggan finally gets a mic, and starts teasing that he'll say his Hit Catchphrase, but each time he stops just short, torturing the audience.

Then Duggan actually drops a tiny, singular piece of useful info on us: he's not out here to mock Lita, he's out here to announce that he was talking to Vince McMahon about Edge's big match next week, and there's going to be a Special Guest Referee. And Duggan wants to throw his hat into the ring for consideration.

Edge, now sufficiently confused and non-plussed by this new twist, is thus defenseless when Hacksaw then drops the other shoe and blurts out "Your girlfriend is a HO-OOOOOOOOOOO!"... mistake, Tough Guy. Edge whips around and puts an ass-kicking on Duggan. He even gets the 2"x4", and uses that to blast Duggan in the back. OK, so NOW it looks like this segment is back to where it was 2 minutes ago, and it's over. Except....

All of a sudden, for no discernable reason, Lita decides to get pissy at Maria (who has done nothing but stand idly by ever since Edge tried to make his first exit). Best I can figure: it's some kind of bitchy catfight over which one of them has the more hideously overdone eye make-up. Seriously: industrial-grade eyelashes like that should be restricted only to those women who have reason to suspect they'll be the guest of honor at a moderate- to large-sized gangbang.

Lita's sudden, random outburst results in Maria getting slapped around, and then kicked around for a bit. And then, just because he still believes in chivalry, Edge steps in and offers to finish things off for his lady friend... but just as Edge is lining up for the Spear, it's John Cena out to make the save.

Edge and Lita split the scene with smirks on their faces, like the chickenshits they are, while Cena immediate goes to tend to Maria. By playing the White Knight, this is the first time Cena has not acted like he desperately wished he was black in a long, long time.

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Kane vs. Chris F. Masters (First Round Tourney Match)

Kane came out fast with some clubbering, and then Masters came back and out-clubbered Kane for a brief moment, and then the cycle repeated about 4 times over the course of two minutes.

I'm not trying to be lazy, I just honestly have no memory of the sequences of moves or the story of the match. Because to be blunt, there was absolutely none of the latter. It was just a series of unconnected power moves performed in a row, with no rhyme nor reason and none of them looking particular impressive enough to remember. I could, conceivably, go back, re-watch the tape, and do a play-by-play, but what would be the point? Then I'd only succeed in making you as bored as I was.

The dead silence of the crowd for those two minutes is actually what I remember most vividly.

Then Kane went up top to try his flying clothesline, but CFM sidestepped that and tried a full nelson, indicated we were already fast-forwarding ahead to End Game. Thank god. Kane escaped the first attempt... Masters tried a second time, Kane escaped again, and this time rallied a bit and had Masters set up for a chokeslam, but then it was CFM's turn to escape the hold. 

Kane tried to follow-up by putting Masters in position for the tombstone (or something), but Masters weaseled out the back door. Then, instead of going for the full nelson, Masters just yanked Kane backwards, bringing him down to the mat, flat on his back. Then, in one of the shittiest looking pinfalls of all times, Masters grabbed the ropes for "extra leverage" and in doing so, actually pulled himself OFF of Kane's shoulders because physics doesn't work that way unless Masters had remembered to pull back on one of Kane's legs with his other arm. Fucking retard. Of course, the ref was obligated to count the fall, anyway.

Your Winner: Chris F. Masters, via pinfall, in about 3 minutes. At least it was short. But it was still boring as hell for the most part, and the tepidity led up to the thrilling sloppy spot at the end. Nee haw?

Backstage: Edge and Lita confront Vince McMahon. They want to know if it's true about the Special Referee thing next week... and Vince tells them it is indeed. But that he still hasn't decided yet, no matter what Hacksaw said earlier. A light goes off in Edge's eyes as he gently nudges Lita towards Vince. "You know, Mr. McMahon, how about making Lita the special referee?". Lita chimes in that she's sure she can come up with some way to persuade Vince, as she starts suggestively rubbing up against him in a manner that could be described as "Not unlike how Vince started in on a Tanning Salon girl just 10 days ago." And wouldn't you know it: the current allegations of sexual harassment against Vince mean that his on-screen character has to behave semi-normally! YAY! I mean, I still feel for the girl here, but for us fans, something positive has apparently come out of all this: Horny Vince is gone. For now. Vince acts disgusted by Lita's come-on, but then turns a corner and realizes that if Edge was willing to pimp his girlfriend out just to gain an advantage in a title match, then he's the kind of man who would do ANYthing to be champion. And Vince says he has to respect that desire. So what Vince will do is compromise. He won't make Lita the referee, but he'll give Edge a chance to name the referee himself. Tonight: it's Edge/Lita vs. Cena/Maria, and the winner gets to name next week's Guest Ref. If you, at this point, didn't instantly know exactly what was going to happen later on in that match, I'm afraid I'll have to mock your intellect.

Backstage: Ashley is WALKING~! To the ring. For a Royal Rumble Rematch.

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Hype: next week, RAW is airing on Thursday because of that Stupid Dog Show. Thursday in the US, anyway. Since I'll be snowed under with the PPV Preview, this is an official call for Recap Assistance. Either a Yank who can get a RAW Recap done by Friday afternoon, or a Canuck who'll do it for me by Tuesday afternoon (you still get it at the normal time, you lucky bastards).

Diva Search Ashley vs. Mickie James (With Special Guest Referee Trish Stratus)

Trish opted not to oil up this week. Good girl. And man alive, with three ring introductions, an extensive video package of the Rumble and last week's RAW, and then ON TOP OF THAT, a "Promotional Consideration Paid For By The Following" spot, the time from start of Trish's music to the ringing of the bell is at least 3 and a half minutes. There had to have been a better way...

Especially because then the match was 60 seconds, flat. No joke. Mickie jump-started by attacking Ashley from behind, stomped away on Ashley until Trish had to step in and stop Mickie from using the hair. Ashley laid in with about 3 forearm shivers and Irish Whipped Mickie into the ropes... and when Mickie came off, we'll be charitable and say Ashley "side-stepped," causing Mickie to hit Trish with a Flying Burrito. Not exactly a smoothly-executed spot, but the idea got across a tad more convincingly that CFM's pinfall in the opener.

Mickie, of course, immediately got all apology-y, since she didn't mean to hit her hero and idol. Trish is none-to-pleased at having gotten clocked and is rubbing her jaw as she processes the apologies. Meantime, Ashley's snuck up behind Mickie... schoolgirl roll-up, and a three-count later, it's all over. Trish shoots Mickie one (1) dirty look, and then turns her back to leave the entire situation behind without even another glance back. Ashley, meantime, does enjoy doing a bit of friendly taunting as she makes her way up the ramp.

Your Winner: Diva Search Ashley, via pinfall, in 1 minute flat. No one could make a case that this was any better than the opener. But one could make the case that at least this one had some story to it, and it was going somewhere. And that it got there, effectively.

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During the Break: if you're loser-y enough to enjoy WWE.com Unlimited, you would have just seen the Spirit Squad do a cheer. And then you would never enjoy WWE.com Unlimited again. These five guys either need to align with a known wrestler, or reveal which of them are the first-line wrestlers and get into some storylines. Because look: yes it's fun to mock Male Cheerleaders, but it's not fun indefinitely. In fact, as a veteran of sitting Up Close And Personal With the UD Cheerleaders in the Student Section (I intend to one day be a 12th Year Senior), I know that the Male Cheerleader mocking is only good for maybe one or two rib-pokes/points early on, and then you're too busy paying attention to the REAL reason you're there (the game) to give a shit. Unless the game is crappy. But then the analogy to WWE would be that they only way to make the Spirit Squad genuinely loathesome in their current form is to make sure the rest of the REAL reason you're there (the Wrestling Show) is crappy. And we don't want that. So let's just quit futzing around and make sure these guys stay semi-relevant by either having one or two of them establish themselves as credible wrestlers or by having them align with and become the annoying cheering section for a credible wrestler.

Hype: blah blah blah, go to WWE.com, and you don't just get great extras like the Spirit Squad, you also get to vote on who you think will win the 8 Man #1 Contender Tournament. Yippee?

Backstage: Trish Stratus is heading out of the arena, but Mickie James catches up with her and apologizes her face off yet again. Because Mickie would so totally never hit her hero, her idol, on purpose, and she's so sorry, and no hard feelings from Mickie either because Trish was just doing her job, and she did the right thing. In a flicker of PERFECT annoyed bitchiness, Trish just said, "Yeah, I know I did." Mickie then goes on to once again talk about how she really loves Trish, you know, just as a friend, and stuff, but she really....
 
And who's this tool interrupting things? Why, it's "Jack," who Trish introduces to Mickie as "my date." Jack is, without exaggeration, the biggest heel of the night, as a result. Jack says he's heard so many things about Mickie, but really, dear, we must be going, we have reservations, so let's chop-chop... Trish and Jack depart, and let's just call Mickie's reaction Barely Subdued Jealousy.

Ugh. Can I assume I can skip over the part where I make fun of Jack's general appearance and toolishness? Because not only are my tastes well known, but from the chorus of boos Jack got, there are clearly a lot of others out there in the same basic boat of being trapped between (1) a tinge of instinctive jealousy and (2) just wishing that Trish had some fricking standards. You could still win the heart of Chris Jericho, dammit! But I WILL briefly extemporize about how it was just 24 hours ago that I ranted about how this feud needed more "Misery" and less "Single White Female," because one was good and scary while the other was lame and cheesy. So what happens immediately after I write that? They up the "Single White Female" ante. And hell, Jack the Toolbox could even have been played by whichever one of the tools from the Hit NBC Sitcom "Wings" starred in "Single White Female." For one, the similarities were striking, and for 2, it's not like anybody from the "Wings" alumni association is exactly tearing up Hollywood, so I'm sure he's looking for work. Instead of flipping out and doing something scary like break Trish's ankle in the middle of the ring, I now suddenly have visions of Mickie donning a blonde wig and seducing an unwitting "Jack" in a dimly-lit room that shall be the epitome of Awful Hollywood Writer Monkey Bullshit. Bank, as they say, on it. Freaking morons.

Elsewhere Backstage: Shelton Benjamin is rolling Mama along in her wheelchair, talking about how great it is for Shelton to have his confidence back and how he's not a Mama's Boy and all that... then Shelton remembers that he left his cellphone behind somewhere, and he wants to get it. But Mama doesn't want to be left alone after the "freaks" she's been assaulted by in the last month. Shelton promises it'll be OK, it'll just take a second, and finally Mama grudgingly relents. So of course, while Shelton's gone, Eugene enters the room, and Mama freaks out. Why, I dunno. A more harmless-looking lad I could not imagine. Eugene does a ramble that seems to indicate that he thinks Mama is the titular Big Mama from a recent shitty movie. When he tries to removes the wig and fat-suit, though, Mama must put a stop to that by brandishing a hairpin until Shelton arrives and scares Eugene away. Mama gives Shelton an allegedly-funny talking-to about leaving his Mama behind when she specifically told him not to. Shelton is properly cowed, and when he's asked, he helps Mama get her oxygen mask on. Oy.

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WrestleMania Moment: Kane and Pete Rose. Ahhhh, good times. Beware Charlie Hustle, people.... one of these years. One of these years he shall wreak his vengeance upon Kane.

Ric Flair vs. Triple H (First Round Tournament Match)

Basic back-and-forthy, a couple of lock-ups, a headlock by HHH, some chops by Flair. Then they run the ropes, and Flair makes the Rookie (HA!) Mistake of lowering his head too soon on a backdrop attempt. HHH tries to turn it into a Pedigree. Flair re-reverses, though, and DOES backdrop HHH out over the top rope to the floor.

So after all of 45 seconds (I shit you not) of action, we break for.....

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Back, and Flair's in control with chops and punches. Well, he is for about a minute. Then Trips turns the tide with a big ol' Grade-AA Spinebuster. He then commences to about 2 minutes of rocking the Knee-Related Offense like it's 1999... well, pretty much just high-knees and knee-drops, but he did a bunch of them, making me recall the day when that was a HHH Trademark.

HHH snuffs out one hope spot with a patented Extra Gravity Flairplex. Flair took more of a beating, and they even did a nice Special Extended Remix of the Flair Flop. But eventually another Hope Spot for Flair, but that one's ended with a spinning neckbreaker. This is actually flowing together very nicely, I must say.

And when it comes time for Flair's real comeback? That's nicely done, too, as HHH begins whoo-ing and strutting, and in general showboating too much. So when he goes for the Figure Four as a way of saying "Fuck you," Flair is able to kick him off, sending him out of the ring. No resthold and fire-up: just turning on a dime, that quick. 

Flair gets a lot of chops in, as is his wont. Peppers a few punches and kicks in, too. Nothing fancy for his rally until he begins working the leg. Mostly chopblocks. But once Flair is convinced he has HHH down, he goes to the top rope.... uh oh. Hunter catches him. But Flair eyepokes Hunter. Hunter stumbles away, and Flair hits the chop from the top rope, anyway. And then? Figure Four time.

HHH fights the good fight, and is eventually able to get to the ropes. He drags himself to his feet in the corner, and Flair wants to keep on hammering away with punches, but the ref simply HAS to break it up, so he steps in the way. And for his troubles, Flair "accidentally" eye-rakes the guy. 

Ref is down, so Flair enters Dirty Mode, and immediately punches Trips in the ballsac. No ref, though, so Flair opts to keep on with a basic chop-centric assault until the ref is ready... when the ref gets to his feet and clears his vision, however, HHH pulls a Pedigree out of (literally) nowhere. I mean it: one second, he's cradling his poor Man Region, the next, he's cinching Flair in for the finisher.

Your Winner: Triple H, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. The opening little hiccup was pointless, and the finish was a bit left-field, but this was actually quite enjoyable stuff from two guys who know how to take fans on a ride. Sidenote: there was some tubby eyesore sitting front-row center who's demeanor all night led me to mentally dub him "Comic Book Guy" (mostly cuz then I'd have an excuse to mention that the ringside scenery would have been much nicer all night long if The Broad had scored those tickets again). It was hard to miss him in any case, and as soon as HHH hit the Pedigree, he made a big fancy show of turning his back to the ring and not acknowledging the victory. While his friend got an embarrassed look on his face like "he's not with me, folks." I'm sure Hunter registered your commentary on his Abuses of Backstage Stroke, and will take it under advisement, Fat Boy. Or maybe Comic Book Guy was just turning around to protect his prodigious rack, what with Ric Flair in the vicinity, and all?

Invitation to FF: three minutes of talking about and then showing Candice Michelle's new commercial. To the best of my knowledge, the only commercial that made much of a splash was Jessica Simpson's pizza commercial. So unless this is somehow leading up to a WM22 Candice vs. Jessica Catfight For The Title of "Titties McSuperbowl," and unless it's corporately sponsored by the respective companies they shill for so that *we* get paid to watch the fricking thing, instead of vice versa, I simply don't understand the point.

Backstage: John Cena is lacing up his Reebok Pumps when Maria the Mic Stand wanders in, all a-twitter. She can't do this, she's not a wrestler, she'll lose the match, then Cena will lose the title, and it'll all be her fault, and she just can't do that, and.... so Cena soaks all this in, and then decides the only possible response to all Maria's nervous energy is to kiss her. And Maria kisses him back. Alrighty, then. But I guess if we've established that only dumb, naive girls like John Cena, then it fits perfectly that Cena didn't get slapped, instead. They eventually disengage, and Cena walks away with a cocky smirk on his face, while Maria gives us "vaguely post-coital, maybe." I would have expected more out of the girl who got her ass kicked one time last year, and you couldn't tell if she was in pain, or if she was auditioning for a stupid shampoo commercial. I'm not sure who this little skit was supposed to appeal to: dumb girls will be pissed that Maria's macking on THEIR TV Boyfriend, dumb guys will be pissed because Cena made a shitty pass at their favorite diva and it worked, and all us grown-ups will just roll our eyeballs at how this isn't really how normal people behave outside of really-bad soap operas. Or outside of the introductory paragraph of a letter to Penthouse. 

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Shawn Michaels vs. Big Show vs. Vince McMahon's Verbal Diarrhea

So Big Show enters. Shawn Michaels enters. And we think we're gonna have ourselves another First Round Tourney Match, here...

Until Vince McMahon hits the scene.

Words words words blah blah blah, and again, this quickly turns into a case of Vince McMahon talking without really saying anything. At one point late in the promo, he even got noticeably off-track, and had to repeat a line from 30 seconds before in order to reset himself. I don't know if this means you crap on Vince for being too spontaneous and going with the moment, or if you crap on Vince for having a script so carefully-written that if he gets lost or skips a line he has to go back and collect it before moving awkwardly forward.

I just know it's got no snap, crackle, or pop to it. So this accomplished almost nothing for me, other than taking 5-6 minutes to fumble around and eventually get to a place I don't really care about.

Instead of trying to weave together a cogent paraphrasing of Vince's speech (since it sort of defies that kind of rhetorical logic), I'll just quickly summarize each of Vince's main points, in roughly the order they were presented. To wit:

(1) Shane McMahon is not here, but if he were, he'd kick Shawn's ass again. Ooooookay....
(2) After a week of thought, Vince has changed his mind. If Shawn wants to quit WWE, it's OK: he can walk out and Vince promises NOT to sue him for breach of contract.
(3) When Shawn doesn't cotton to that idea, seeing as how he's in the middle of a match that could land him in the main event at WM, Vince INSISTS that Shawn walk out on his contract.
(4) In fact, next week, Vince is throwing Shawn a Retirement Party, and Shawn's attendance is mandatory. Whaaaaaa? Then that's called a "firing," Vince. My brain hurts. I'll stop using it.
(5) So now that Shawn's retiring, he can't compete at WM, which means there's no point to him having this match against Big Show. 
(6) Vince announces that Shawn has been replaced.... by Shelton Benjamin.

So Shelton enters, and will be participating in the match, while Shawn leaves in frustrated fashion. The two pass each other on the ramp, while we take a break for....

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Big Show vs. Shelton Benjamin (First Round Tournament Match)

We come back to join this match in progress. Or should I say: join Shelton's ass-whupping in progress. Big Show's on a roll, hits all the crowd pleasers, and is positively mortifying Mama Benjamin (who is standing at ringside, apparently magically healed of her ailments).

Show's got enough to stay on top for a minute or so, but then he gets greedy, and tries for a superplex. Ballsy, big man, ballsy. Or possibly stupid, since Shelton countered and turned it into a wicked hangman-type move. Thus begat some offense for Shelton, who hit his leg-whip thingie, a springboard bulldog, a spinning neckbreaker, among other things (some of them looking more realistic than others, given the size differential). But Show kept kicking out With Authority, and Shelton started to get frustrated.

Shelton kept on pounding away as best he could, and eventually took Big Show out of the ring, almost directly in front of his Mama. Shelton tried a plancha onto Show, but Show caught him and slammed him into the barricade. Then tossed his carcass back into the ring. But he did all this right in front of Mama, who started putting the Sass Mouth on Big Show. So Show came over, briefly admonished her with nothing more than a scolding finger-point, and went back about his business.

Of course, the cameras caught none of that business, as they were too busy watching Mama Benjamin clutch at her chest and collapse in a roly-poly heap at ringside. Oh, christ. 

Back in the ring, we establish that nobodies paying attention to Mama, but Show is in command, hits a chokeslam, and that's that.

Your Winner: Big Show, via pinfall, in 3-4 minutes. Well, probably more like 6-7 minutes, if you count the ad break, which I won't. The action was at the beginning, the story was at the end. You decide which part I enjoyed more.

After the Match: Big Show was the first to notice Mama was down. But eventually medics arrived and started tending to her. I distinctly heard "she has no pulse" at one point. Oy. So Big Bossman killed Big Show's dad? And now Big Show killed Shelton's Mama? Ahhhh, the Circle of Life.... actually, they didn't confirm the "no pulse" thing, and just kept on tending to Mama (removing more of her dress than I frankly needed to see, in the process).  After sticking with this hokey drama a little longer than I would have, we finally break for....

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During the Break: they finally got Mama up onto a gurney and wheeled her out. The way the announcers talk about it, her condition is somewhere in between "feinting spell" and "death," but not at either extreme. Great.

Backstage: Tough Questions Todd Grisham wants to know what Carlito thinks his chances are against a driven-for-revenge Rob Van Dam. Carlito responds in Spanish. Todd sheepishly requests English. Carlito grudgingly complies. No funny, carefree Carlito here. Just intense, jerkish, history-rewriting Carlito. He manages to spin it that *HE* is the one looking for revenge on RVD, because *HE* is the one who was disrespected six months ago. Carlito also says his ultimate goal is getting to the WM22 Main Event, and if he gets the added bonus of walking all over RVD in the process? Well, that? That'd be pretty cool. 

SmackDown! Rebound: 'tain't my job. Why don't you call up the Ghost of Eddie Guerrero and see if he can steal you a copy of a tape?

Rob Van Dam vs. Carlito Cool (First Round Tournament Match)

Well, given that they've already done three packages this segment, you pretty much know that once these two get to the ring, we're hitting a commercial break.

And what do you know? They brawl around ringside for about one minute, with RVD getting the better of it, as he is Out For Justice. Leads up to Van Dam draping Carlito across the ringside barricade and then coming off the apron with a flying corkscrew legdrop. Which does ALMOST as much damage to the giver as to the taker. In other words, both men down, so watch some....

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Back, and Carlito has assumed command. A helpful replay shows that is the result of some high-flying wackiness gone awry by RVD, when he leapt off the top turnbuckle and ate nothing but ringside barricade.

Basic stuff for Carlito at this juncture. And in true Orton fashion, he kept coming back to a Chinlock. But on the second one of those RVD fired up and things really started to crackle. RVD hit a new variation on Rolling Thunder: kind of a Double Rolling Thunder, where the second half is still the senton, but the first half is a big (I mean BIG, full-lay-out) splash. Nice.

Now we're back and forth with REALLY sweet moves. Split Leg Moonsault by RVD. Double-knee back-breaker by Carlito. Cool leg-scissor take-down/pin-combo by RVD. Even COOLER triple-jump springboard senton by Carlito (seriously, that should just about do it in terms of all the "Carlito is equally as talented as Chris F. Masters" idiots). Holy shit. 
 
Joey was really getting into it (maybe a little TOO into it, since this was good, but it wasn't off-the-charts, or anything), and the story of the match became that these two young bucks both wanted to make it to WM so badly that they were pulling out every trick they had and even inventing new ones. Works for me.

Although this is also where a bit of illogic seeps in: both guys are busting ass, but neither can score a win, so Carlito gets frustrated and grabs a steel chair. Which he apparently intends to use right in front of the referee. Because he wants to get DQ'ed and not go to WM? I have *no* fricking idea. Maybe blame the "Fiery Latin Temper" like Jesse always did when Chico Santana would get crazy?

Actually, I have to assume 98% of us knew exactly what was coming. The ref yanked the chair away from Carlito. Carlito yanked it back, and while it was directically in front of his face, RVD struck with the Van Daminator. Legal, so they say, because it was Carlito wielding the chair which got in between RVD's foot and Carlito's face. One Five Star Frog Splash later, and we've set our "Final Four" for next week....

Your Winner: Rob Van Dam, via pinfall, in maybe 8 minutes or so.  Pretty entertaining stuff here, and in an entirely different, high-flying, action-packed sort of way than the HHH/Flair match. RVD knocks off another layer of ring rust, and Carlito shows us more hints of what he can do in the ring. I'll take it.

Ooh, What a Coincidence!: Now that first round matches have concluded, we're going to take a look at the results of the WWE.com poll to see who the fans think should win. And as RVD and his music celebrate in the background we discover.... RVD got a landslide 45% of the vote. Triple H was second with 25%. Michaels, despite being removed, got 12%, and the other five guys were between 2-5%. Not receiving votes: Shelton Benjamin. Way to be on-the-spot with your Real Time Interactive Website there, dum dums.

Further hype: next week, when RAW's inconveniently relocated to Thursday, they're loading up the show. Cena/Edge Title Match (with special ref), Forced Retirement Party, and now RVD/Masters and Show/HHH in semi-final matches, too. 

Backstage: Edge and Lita are WALKING~! And Lita has changed outfits. Dammit.

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John Cena/Maria the Mic Stand vs. Edge/Lita (Mixed Tag Match to Determine A Future Special Referee)

Cena's all "let me handle this, baby" to start, and it should be noted, he was also getting booed a bit more than he had been in his last month or so. Not over-powering, necessarily, but it definitely plays into my "the bigger the city, the more cosmopolitan the fans, the less likely they are to be impressed by Homey the Clown's dated shtick" theory.

Big intense start for Cena, and his wacky tackles and wacky suplex (now morphing into an almost half-perfect-plex) are met with SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE's and then an undercurrent of boos. This only lasts for about 60 seconds, though, as it turns out the match started promptly at the crack of 11pm (eastern) and we don't have time to dick around.

So Cena sets Edge up in a corner, and charges. But Edge dodges, and Cena's shoulder goes through to the steel post. Edge then drags Cena's carcass over to his corner and forcibly tags Maria in, so she's legal. Then Edge, in a nice touch, didn't just leave Cena there, where he could recover and tag himself back in quickly: he kept beating the shit out of Cena for a bit (including an Impaler DDT) and then tossed him out all the way on the opposite side of the ring from his corner. And then suplexed him while out there. Just for good measure.

So basically: good luck, Maria. Wigger boy's out of commission for a bit.

Edge makes a big show of tagging in Lita. Then, jerk that he is, he even holds the ropes open for Maria, to allow her to more effortlessly enter the ring and meet her demise. Lita proceeds to decimate poor, poor Maria for about 90 seconds, using a grand total of three (3) moves. Four if you count periodically swatting Maria's fanny to goose a reaction out of the crowd (which has, not unpredictably, gone dead, since there are cute and fun ways to take advantage of Maria's vapid appeal, and this was none of them).

Finally, as Cena FINALLY dragged himself up into his corner, Maria conveniently picked that moment to side-step an attempted Spear by Lita, so she was able to make the Hot Tag. By which I mean the Ear-Drum Piercing Tag. About 30 seconds of house-cleaning for Cena, but then a distraction by Lita slows his pace.

Edge attacks from behind and holds Cena in place, telling Lita to go up top to hit her flying hurricarana. Lita complies. But then in a spot that sounds more convincing than it looked, Cena ducks and Lita rana's Edge instead. Uh oh. Edge goes flying out of the ring, so Cena's gonna have him some fun with Lita. Somehow, she magically became the legal person for her team (don't ask me, I just had to take Coach at his word when he suddenly started harping on the fact, although I PROMISE you there was never an on-camera tag made), so per the rules, Cena can do whatever he wants and then pin her.

But all he really wants to do is stalk and toy with her, cuz he's a nice guy who would never beat up a girl, right? Oh, wait, whoops.... but the stalking and time-killing is enough to allow Edge to recover. So he gets behind Cena, and lines him up for a Spear. Lita tries to help by keeping Cena distracted by showing him her bra (we were to believe she was topless? the announcers sounded like it, but the cameras told another story of sensible undergarmentery). But Cena still sees it coming at the last second and side-steps: so Edge spears Lita. D'oh. Two wrongs don't make a right, kids. Both miscues came off as accidental, but the announcers wouldn't get off the idea that there might be more to it. Yeah, dum dums, because Edge would totally want to deliver a debilitating Spear to his girl when she's the legal person in the ring, thereby guaranteeing that Cena will pick the referee.

No sale on that one. This week, you can cast doubt on Lita's actions, but Edge HAS to be accidental, or it makes no fricking sense.

And anyway, after spearing Lita, Edge wastes a moment showing concern for her, which allows Cena to attack from behind. Edge is sent flying out of the ring. And then, even as Cena's contemplating what to do with Lita, Maria blind-tags herself into the match and makes the cover. Done and done. Maria celebrates like crazy, and Cena apparently gets a kick out of her spunk. Is Johnny Boy in love? For the sake of millions of squealing fan girls, I hope not...

Your Winners: John Cena and Maria, via pinfall, in about 4 minutes. Not "good" by any definition of the word. But it got to the expected outcome in a relatively amusing fashion that also sets the stage for more intrigue on the Edge/Lita front.

After the Match: Cena cuts Maria's celebration short, as he announces that he won't keep the fans in suspense any longer. He already bumped into a guy backstage, and asked him if he was interested. He was. And now that Cena's won the match, we might as well make it official right here, right now.  Cena's guest ref? Mick Foley. Rap yourself in the noggin one time, really hard, if you didn't see that coming 2 hours ago. Still: it's Mick, and TV's better with Mick on it than off it, so let's enjoy the ride and ignore the fact that now we also know the outcome of NEXT week's main event, too.

Sadly, no further words from either Cena or Foley, just Foley saying "howdy" to the crowd while his music plays to close out the show. Just as importantly, though, are reaction cuts to Edge, who is standing at ringside, alternating between shocked (when he looks up at Foley) and annoyed (when he looks down at Lita's carcass). Hmmm. Throw in one more graphics-assisted hard-sell of next week's Thursday Night line-up, and we're out...