In what I can only assume is an act of Holy Vengeance for my creation of Blasphemy in Wrestling Month, I cut the shit out of my left index finger while trying to procure a nice sandwich-sized slice off the left-over Easter Ham. My Ham, my Ham, why hast thou forsaken me?
 

It's a really nasty gash, even by my macho man standards. It doesn't quite hurt as bad as it looks, so I'm gonna try for my A-Game on Recappening. Still, I'm already kinda sensing that all this stretching it out and using that finger might be exacerbating the wound. I might have to keep myself a BIT shorter than usual... or at least, try to avoid the letters R, T, F, G, C, V, and B as much as possible.

For the record, last night while I was watching RAW, I had intended for a whole other pre-ramble, and was going to have a blast writing a Big-Ass Running Theme Recap. That theme? That in spots, it almost seemed like RAW had taken notes directly from last week's OO/Recap, and used them to shore up some weak spots. And in one spot, Trish Stratus even took notes directly from my brain that I had edited out of the Recap, because she is a vile, braincell-invading temptress. And then in a few other spots, RAW still managed to fuck up so cataclysmically that I almost feel guilty that I imagined seeing my own fingerprints on the show.

This RAW truly had it all: in it's more Rick-inspired moments, it seemed to be hitting on all cylinders. But there were spots where they got off track. It made me think of a line by rock 'n' roll legends, Tenacious D: no, this was not the greatest RAW in the world, it's just a tribOOte.

At least, in the good parts, it seemed that way. To me. Because I am a damned self-involved ass. Finger or no finger, I'll try to identify most of the more-impressive Rick-esque Points of Interest for you along the way. Let's hurry up and get a move on before this thing opens up again and starts oozing through the band-aid....

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in Milwaukee, WI (a fine National League Central City in which I have been heroically drunk more than once). Joey Styles, Jerry Lawler, and Coach don't really have anything to tell us about tonight, but as our first Master Debater makes his way to the ring, they do fill us in on a match just announced for the Backlash PPV: it'll be John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Edge in a Triple Threat Match. Got it? Good...

The Promo So Nice, They're Cutting It Twice

Edge hits the ring, post haste. He is accompanied by Lita, who is wearing what I shall describe as Not Even Close To A Shirt. And so I guess we go another week with me being unable to shake this annoying and inexplicable new fixation on All Things Slutty. A pox upon you, Lita, for warping my tastebuds. I used to be such a discriminating gentleman...

Edge is, of course, here to talk about that conveniently-just-announced PPV match... he is also here to declare himself the odds-on favorite, seeing as how HHH tapped out at WM and Cena got pinned last week on RAW. And all Edge was doing was beating Mick Foley at WM and getting his hand raised on RAW. Not wanting to waste too much more time rambling, solo-style, Edge notes that the fans had better get ready for the return of the highest-rated champion in history. In fact, he decides to jump the gun by mockingly declaring that "The Champ is Here."

Which is apparently like the bat-signal for Homey the Clown, who instantly appears and is treated to a 60/40 split of boos-to-cheers. That's probably a few more cheers than I would've guessed for Cena, but then again, he's in a feud against two other solid heels, so that probably works in his favor. The fans have to cheer SOMEone, and any of the ones on the fence might tilt to Cena.

Cena instantly decides to mock Edge's championship and ratings resume, saying he was only champ for 2 weeks (Lita, giving me an ACTUAL reason to compliment her and not feel like an ass for it, was off to one side, and hilariously held up three fingers, correcting Cena's glaring error; nobody noticed her; but I did; I guess nobody else likes staring at bOObs), and if ratings were high, it was only because fans tuned in the first week to see who had won the title, and then they tuned in the second week to watch Cena kick Edge's ass and take back his title. Which is exactly what happened.

Cena decides that if him kicking Edge's ass is what people want to see, he'll offer Edge the chance to serve up some big-ass ratings, right here, tonight, in Milwaukee. And immediately, Edge latches on to Cena's attempt at pandering, and takes us down a tasty tangent.

Edge says he long ago gave up caring about the idiot fans; he hates them, they hate him right back, and everybody's happy. But Cena still cares about the fans, still tries to please them.... but unless a fan is 7 years old, the fans hate Cena. Edgeward: you should have mentioned the teenage girls, too, but close enough for government work, here.

Cena's obviously gonna have to respond to this shoot-y type accusation, and does so by teasing that he'll turn on the fans. But every time he comes this close to telling the fans they suck, he stops and says he doesn't want to be like that; he doesn't want to be like Edge. And then Cena gets all Attempted Philosophical on us with some silly riff about how the fans aren't booing him, they're remembering another side of John Cena from before who was crass and ruthless and evil. I'd give Cena's attempt at sounding deep and smart a D-minus, except at the end -- whether he meant for it to be funny or not -- he included another adjective describing Alternate Cena: "Black." Which, given Cena's flamboyant tendencies is fricking hilarious, and amused me lots more than the more-accurate use of "dark" would have. You heard it here first: John Cena now officially thinks he used to be black!

Cena also thinks it's a good thing if there are some dissenting voices out there among the fans, because it keeps him honest. It keeps him from getting a big head, and giving himself a nickname like.... oh, let's say "The King of Kings."

I guess after doing this same basic promo last week, these three are extending each other the courtesy of actually introducing each other in sly, back-handed fashion? Cuz right on cue, here's Triple H and his new theme song (which, again in the absence of all the silly get-up, is starting to grow on me; it's not as good in an "Entrance Theme" kind of way as his original theme, but it's got some catchy riffage in there).

HHH has to pause while the fans work a "You Tapped Out" chant out of their systems. Sadly, Hunter goes for the tepid "You people are under misapprehension that I give a damn what you think" line, when I would have preferred he accept my telepathic transmission and cockily point at Cena and say "Yeah, well, he got pinned." Trips does eventually get in Cena's face, and the theme of the conversation is "Last RAW proved that I don't make the same mistake twice." Cena got one over on HHH at WM, but it's the only time that'll happen.

Cena started getting all antsy and bratty at this point, wanting to goad HHH into a fight here tonight. His #1 enticement (since his verbal logic completely escaped me) was apparently taking off his shirt. Sorry, John, but I don't think Hunter swings that way. Cena's getting all up in HHH's face when Edge chimes in....

Edge accuses Cena and HHH of "doing it to me again." They're ignoring him and not taking him seriously. Edge again runs down his recent accomplishments, pausing to remind us that Edge didn't just beat Mick Foley, he sent Mick Foley away for good. Hunter perks up at that... because bragging about beating Mick Foley and thinking you sent him away for good? It's a nice resume builder, but Hunter accomplished that SIX YEARS AGO, so quit acting like you're special Edgeward. And further: HHH has learned that Mick Foley never goes away for good. He's like the little turd that always stays in the bowl, no matter how many times you flush.

You mean, like a Nugget? 

HHH also has some information for Edge... he's glad to see Edge so confident that he could beat either Cena or HHH. But Trips just talked to "the old man [pregnant pause for effect] oh yeah, Vince McMahon himself," and tonight we're gonna find out if Edge can beat Cena and HHH.... at the same time. Handicap match.

Edge is furious, and says everybody's out to screw him. He storms out of the ring with Lita, and the sound guy is about 20 seconds late on firing up his music. D'oh. Then Edge's music cuts out as soon as he and Lita are gone, leaving us to check in on Cena and HHH in the ring. HHH grins a smarmy grin and Cena and extends his hand... Cena bitchslaps HHH, instead. Now we play Cena's music (this time, they hit the cue) as we head to the break.

So if I'm sensing the pattern correctly, this means next week, Triple H will start the promo, then the other two guys will show up, then they'll agree to a handicap match where it's HHH vs. Cena/Edge, and Edge will pin HHH. Right?

And actually: although this was essentially a replay of the week before (just with the roles rotated), I'm not complaining. These three do a great job interacting spontaneously, and there's not even a hint of the stilted writer-y-ness that has sometimes invaded WWE Promos in the last couple of years. If I have to have 20 minutes of windbaggery kicking off a show, I'd MUCH rather have it be this kind of natural, free-flowing windbaggery than 20 minutes of over-written tripe. The formula with these three starting things off worked last week, and I say it worked again this week....

[ads]

During the Break: Rob Conway tried to make his ring entrance, but HHH was still licking his wound, and decided to slug Conway just for the hell of it. Can you really blame him?

Rob Van Dam vs. Rob Con Way

Before the match can start, Shelton Benjamin makes an entrance, in full "I'm A Phenomenal Douchebag" Attire. He's here to do some guest commentary, and in a definite moment that made me perk up, somebody finally decided to mention on TV how effective Shelton's Heel Douchebag Makeover has been (only a month after I started complimenting it as a surefire way to make people subconsciously loathe Shelton's character) and then moments later Shelton started talking about how nobody's talking about how he stole the show at Money In The Bank 2, no matter who won the match (only 1 week after I commiserated about the same exact problem). Coincidences, or tribOOte?

In case it's the latter: Shelton, deep breath and slow down next time they ask you to do guest commentary.

Match was a big fat nothing, by the way. It literally did exist only so that Shelton could talk about feeling like he deserved to win Money in the Bank 2, and issue a challenge to Van Dam to put the briefcase on the line at Backlash. Once that plot point was established, Van Dam hit a frog splash, and finished it.

Your Winner: Rob Van Dam, via pinfall, in 60 seconds flat. This was here for the commentary, not for the match.

After the Match: RVD was heading up the ramp where he was intercepted by Todd Grish.... wait, that's not Todd Grisham. That's Todd Grisham From 25 Years In the Future, I think. It looks kinda like him, just a lot older, and possibly 20% more tool-ish. But hey, Big Ups (as the kids say) to Todd Grisham for apparently becoming the first man to master time travel. Future Grisham asks RVD about the challenge Shelton just laid out.... and RVD -- proving he is nothing if not smarter than Rey Mysterio -- refuses to put his title shot on the line up against nothing. Counter-proposal: RVD will put up the Briefcase, if Shelton will put up the IC Title. Shelton no-likey, but he's apparently got a week before he has to decide to accept or decline. I bet one trillion dollars that he eventually accepts. Any takers?

Backstage: Maria the Mic Stand has cornered Mickie James for an interview. Mickie is in full-on Delusional Mode as she talks about "all her WrestleManias" and how this is her favorite one and she can't wait to get back to Toronto to celebrate. Maria, proving that perhaps Geography is the one class she mastered in grade school, says "You're not from Toronto, Trish Stratus is from Toronto." A flare of anger from Mickie, but she quickly snuffs that out and acts very nice to Maria as she says she has an idea.... her first title defense will be tonight. And how about if it's against Maria? Maria, the poor lass, things this is a very neat opportunity, and accepts. Just that quickly, Mickie goes from nice and pleasant to menacing as she promises 100% Stratusfaction. Now Maria begins to understand what she's in for later tonight...

[ads]

Backstage: Future Grisham is standing with Kane, and they talk briefly about Kane's movie "See No Evil," which comes out May 19 (May 19, May 19, May 19). Then they shoot it to...

Video Package: clips of "See No Evil" and backstage stuff of Kane on the set. FF to the rescue!

Backstage Again: Future Grisham had wanted to ask Kane some follow-up questions, but Kane has mysteriously disappeared. Uh oh.

The Spirit Squad vs. Gay Spookiness

The Spirit Squad enter for what we're told is a tag title rematch, and vamp it up for a moment or two.... but suddenly, there's something happening, and we have to cut away to....

Again, Backstage Again: Kane is walking down a hallway, and is sobbing and stumbling. To explain why, we are magically granted audio access to Kane's Inner Monologue, which basically amounts to "May 19, May 19, it's all happening again, and it happens on May 19." Finally Kane collapses in a corner, where he remains for a few seconds before Big Show finds him and asks if everything's OK. Kane puts on his Brave Face and says everything's fine....

I feel horrible for whoever conceived of this bit. It must suck going through life as a mental defective with a third-grader's grasp on drama and creativity. But then I feel thrice as bad for the dozen or more people show probably had the opportunity to prevent this skit from ever reaching TV; the guy who wrote it probably just doens't know any better, but there's gotta be SOMEbody in that fucking company who realizes that dubbing in the voices in Kane's head (complete with a theatrical soundtrack, to boot) so TV viewers can hear them, too, is a retarded idea.

If it's my ego-centric notion that WWE might deign to crib from me, let me do what I do best. In about 15 seconds of couch time, I (an unqualified jerkface who neither went to film school nor padded his resume by fetching coffee on "Stargate: Atlantis") will fix the crap that your Writer Monkeys took a week to slave over.

No hallway and no voices. Instead, we come back from the Movie Clip, and Kane's still there, albeit with a distracted look on his face. He tries to answer a few of Romero's questions, but he's not all there. Romero ends with a final plug ("MAY 19~!" would be included), and suddenly Kane can just start muttering "May 19" to himself and he walks away. A curious cameraman follows, as Kane keeps muttering and moping... and then Kane suddenly stops in his tracks, quits muttering, and collapses against a wall until Big Show comes up and makes the "save."

It's realistic enough that the announcers can speculate that maybe Kane's just having a little stage fright/anxiety attack related to his movie being released. But it's suggestive enough to allow for any manner of Gay Spooky Storyline the writers might have in mind (and which I'd just have to fix again, in later weeks). In short: it's superior to the pitifully awful segment WWE served up in every measurable way.

And yet: those monkeys get paid handsomely to slave over this shit for 60 hours a week, and I get bubkiss for sitting here being able to clean up their messes in less than 60 seconds. It's criminal, I tells ya.

[ads]

The Spirit Squad vs. Big Show/Kane (Tag Title Match)

The Magical Sound Fairies leave the "Kane's Inner Monologue" Switch in the OFF position, which means there's no extra voices gumming up the works as the announcers clarify that -- by edict of Vince McMahon -- any two members of the Spirit Squad may defend the titles. 

So: Kenny and Mikey won them last week. But tonight, Nicky and Johnny will defend them.

Bad-ass start for Big Show, who combined Hockey Fighting with the "Shhhhh!" Chops to crowd-pleasing effect. That was fun for a few minutes. Then Show traded off to Kane, who was showing no ill effects as he steamrolled through the Spirit Squad, ultimately press slamming one of the legal men out of the ring and down onto a pile of his comrades.

Spirit Squad all in a heap? Let's break for....

[ads]

Back, and the Spirit Squad are in command, apparently having utilized the 5-on-1 advantage without the ref catching on.

And in fact, that's kind of what we get for the next five minutes straight. One guy distracts the ref, the other four gang up on Kane for a bit, Big Show rumbles over to break it up, but the damage is done and the two legal men can control Kane for another minute or two. The second Kane shows signs of life, you lather, rinse, repeat.

I wish there was more to it than that, but it was that simplistic and Nicky and Johnny hit a grand total of zero (0) interesting/eye-catching moves. Just a lot of stomping and slamming (and maybe one double-team suplex). 

Like I said, this continued in relatively bland fashion for a pretty long time, too. Finally, after one of their group attacks, the Squad spent too long celebrating, and Kane -- in the background -- did a Zombie Sit-Up, indicating End Game may be near. The Spirit Squad tried to attack, en masse, but the two legal men clotheslined Kane out over the top rope, and Kane did that thing where he lands on his feet.

So the other three assembled Squadders (who had been ready to pounce on Kane's carcass) were sitting ducks for the nimble Kane. Kane brawled his way through the three Extra Squadders, and grabbed a steel chair. Then he took it into the ring and whacked Nicky and Johnny. Right in front of the ref. And the whole time, Show's standing on the ring apron looking half-bemused and half-frustrated.

Your Winners: the Spirit Squad, via disqualification, in about 10-12 minutes. On the list of Possible TribOOtes, this is one, since I did mention last week that they needed more time in a rematch to tell the story right. Well, I got my extra time, but sadly, they changed the story AND the personnel. Nicky is the weakest worker in the Squad and Johnny is the least enthusiastic about doing the gimmick; so put those two together, and it's nowhere near as fun as when you have Kenny (who shows sparks of ability in the ring) and Mikey (who turns the dial up to 14 and acts like the biggest assface in the world as he plays up the gimmick). This was just over-long and boring in the second half, I thought.

After the Match: the other three squadders tried to get in the ring, but Kane had chairshots for all. And finally, Big Show decided that although beating the tar out of male cheerleaders is an extremely fun hobby, there IS a limit. He gets in the ring and is all "Whoa, big fella, you feeling alright? Just settle down." More concern than frustration from Show. But after taking one deep breath and teasing that he would calm down, Kane shoved Show and said No, he wasn't alright. Now Show's frustrated, because he doesn't care about Kane's drama, nobody shoves him. So Show shoves back. And before you know it, we have Dueling Goozles as both men try for chokeslams. But physics doesn't roll like that, so one man must stand down. Kane decides to help Big Show out by thumbing him in the eye. Show releases his grip, and Kane chokeslams him. I guess that's a heel turn. Too bad it came so quickly after Kane's turn to the Gay Spooky. I might have cared more.

And for the record, every time WWE does something like this to Glen Jacobs, I am reminded that the world would be a better place if everyone was required to read this article I wrote years ago.

[ads]

Backstage: Future Grisham is standing by with John Cena, and asks about tonight's match... Cena tries to be funny by talking about how tight him and his partner are and how they are best of friends. Plonk. Then he shifts gears and tries to be serious by talking about how he doesn't care, he'll make either Edge or HHH tap out tonight. Plonk #2. I realize I must resign myself to Cena trying to be funny, but somebody needs to nip this attempt at "Tap Out Credibility" in the bud; not every wrestler has it and not every wrestler should. If you are in the class of Sloppy-Ass Brawlers (Austin, JBL, et al), you should not go trying to put yourself in the same class as an Angle or a Benoit. It's that simple.

Blasphemy in Wrestling Month Continues....

In a pre-taped vignette from earlier in the afternoon, we join Vince and Shane McMahon on a tour through a church. Vince has brought a camera crew along as he searches for Shawn Michaels' tag team partner, God. 

As they walk in, Vince displays an ignorance of Church Props, and thinks he's supposed to wash his hands in what was either a giant Holy Water Thingie or a Catastrophically Misplaced Baptismal Font. You never know with those Non-Catholics. But it doesn't matter, since the joke is that Shane gets a flustered look on his face and tells his dad to stop, because that's not there for washing your hands. Convinced that his dad has been corraled, Shane moves on.... but Vince? Not done playing, yet. He laps up a mouthful of Holy Water from the Thingie, and says "Hey Shane-O, lookit me!" and then he does a Triple H spit take.

Now that? Is some damned funny blasphemy. Even I have to hand it to 'em.

But after that, the vibe changes a bit... Vince is constantly all "Hey, Shane-O" and is acting like the child. Whereas Shane is all quietly-annoyed and is acting like the father. Other than the Holy Spit Take, Vince was mostly just dumb and annoying, but Shane? Fricking hilarious at every turn with a little glance here or a line there.

Eventually, they make their way up onto the altar, where Vince commences to talking to God, and how they should actually be friends, since they're so alike, what with all the things they've each created. The only difference is that God rested on the seventh day, which makes him a slacker in Vince's book. [Eyeball roll from Shane.]

Vince says he knows God created some Commandments, but Vince has created some, too. He decides to read them aloud. "Thou shalt not douse thine creator in urine" is one of them, and gives you the basic gist. Think of all the ways Shawn Michaels has wrong Vince in the past 2 months, and there was a commandment for it. Problem is: they all would have been a lot funnier if Vince had a working knowledge of the differences between "thou" and "thy" and "they" and whatnot. But I guess Vinnie's not much of one for the book learnin'. Too bad.
 
Vince starts getting all lathered up about the commandment covering trash can and ladder highspots, and Shane again has to step in like a dad who's finally decided he's given his 5-year-old enough lee-way. He tells Vince to calm down. Vince does, and says that what they should do next is have Shane recite a prayer.

Vince hands Shane the prayer, and Shane heads to the pulpit, where the prayer starts off normally enough.... but within 20 seconds has degenerated into a deification of Vince McMahon, whose "tanned, well-toned body is remarkable for a man of 60 years old, and whose mighty grapefruits produced the semen that created.... you know, Dad, this is getting a little weird." Vince is perplexed, but Shane wants to stop at that point, so they do. And again, Shane is fricking hilarious in how he played it in that father-son/role-reversey sort of way.

Vince, however, does have one final sermon, so they go stand right up at the middle of the altar, and Vince starts ranting about how Shawn Michaels is in big trouble at Backlash, and there's nothing he or anybody else can do about it. "And if I'm lying, God, strike me down right where I stand." Shane, comically, sidesteps out of the frame. We cut to a final wide shot of the church, with Vince standing dead center with his arms held high, and then....

Somebody decided to put in a Rumble of Thunder sound effect. Because God has apparently got some stock in the Gay Spooky, too. Take out the final sound effect, and you just had some surprisingly funny blasphemy that I figure will make some chuckle, and which never really got controversial enough that anybody would get too pissed off about it. It's one of the few cases I can ever remember where the sheer unrealistic absurdity of Vince's on-screen character was a Good Thing, and helped a skit/promo... and again, I can't overstate how important it was to have Shane there, balancing Vince's ridiculousness in a way that also UNDERSCORED that ridiculousness in a very funny fashion.

[ads]

Umaga vs. Some Guy

Before the introductions, Armando Alejandro Estrada had a few words, and he apparently made sure to read his OO last week (or somebody in Louisville did and got him the notes).... because even though he's got nothing particularly pertinent to say, he's going to say it while making sure we know his name is ARRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrmando Alejandro EstRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrada.

See, that wasn't so hard, now, was it? And now, people will remember the name.

Sadly, then we had to do this match. And Estrada may have been sending out a tribOOte, but his current protege is still Umaga, who I severely doubt will ever deserve the honor of being called OOmaga.

Note: if you know who "Some Guy" was, and your panties are all in a bunch that he was presented as a jobber on WWE TV, well, more than likely you and I don't share the same world view on the wrestling business.

Umaga served up 30 seconds of squash, and then finished the regionally-famous Some Guy off with.... are you shitting me? The Asiatic Spike?

Your Winner: Umaga, via submission, in 60 seconds. I cannot wait for the day when Umaga and Chris F. Masters face off on VH-1's "I Love the 80's Finishing Holds".... so lame.

SmackDown! Rebound: I don't recap recaps.

[ads]

Best Chairshot Ever Theatre

Back from the break, and Carlito's already in the ring with an apple and a mic. He's here to proudly announce that his new diet has already resulted in the loss of 275 pounds of deadweight. Carlito, you see, has shed Chris F. Masters.... and along with him, has shed the hours wasted trying to explain strategy to the guy, wasted waiting for him to stop looking at himself in the mirror, and wasted trying to win titles with such an imbecile as a partner.

Carlito declares Masters to be a "meathead," and then decides to up the ante further by saying that the important thing of all is that Masters "just isn't cool."

Apparently, this is the nastiest taunt of all times, because Masters practically sprints out to the ring. Carlito does a funny thing where he acts like he's begging off to Masters, but as soon as he backs away and turns to the crowd, he makes a face to indicate that he's just faking. But Masters is convinced that he's got Carlito shitting his pants, so he tries to put Carlito at ease by saying, "Don't worry, I'm not here to beat you up..... YET!" And somewhere, I sure as hell hope some Hollywood acting coach jumped off a building after seeing how pathetically his protege delivered that punchline.

Masters is here to talk. He wants to point out that if Carlito is pissed about what happened at WrestleMania, then they should go back to New Year's Revolution ("That was just an accident, I told you that") or the Royal Rumble ("That was months ago, I don't even remember what you're talking about") where Carlito seemingly back-stabbed Masters on purpose. So Masters just wanted to let Carlito know that after all that, "Maybe what I did at WM was an accident. But maybe it wasn't."

Carlito takes about 2 nanoseconds to process this gem before saying, "So you waited until we were in a title match on the biggest show of the year and that's when you decided to hit me from behind to get even?" Masters is all "Yup." And Carlito says "That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Masters is mortified that his attempt at thinking and speaking has backfired so magnificently. But JBL doesn't call him Monkeyboy for no reason...

Carlito says the only thing stupider than Masters' logic is his stupid finishing hold. And further up the Rick's rankings goes Carlito.... Masters says if Carlito thinks it's so stupid, why don't we try a Shitty Full Nelson Challenge right here tonight. Carlito is more than ammenable to that, and demands that a ref get down here right now so we can start this thing. As Carlito fetches a chair and gets things set up, Masters is rambling about how he's not stupid, Carlito is stupid for accepting a challenge that nobody's beaten yet. And then two names into his list of victims, Masters is suddenly stumped, and stutters to a halt after an awkward pause and "Ummm, not even... ummm... Kurt Angle." Which sure as hell struck me as being about as fitting a final name to mention as Stevie Richards, all things considered. But hey, that's the magic of Chris F. Masters.

All is in readiness, and Carlito sits down. But in his right hand, he is playfully tossing an anvilicious apple. Masters -- who strikes me as the sort who could watch you jangling keys in front of his face for hours at a time without getting bored -- is transfixed by the apple. The ref assures him that it's just an apple, so let's get started. But Masters keeps staring at the apple.... and then finally reaches out to grab it...

And when he does, Carlito moves in one swift movement to stand up, grab the chair, and whack Masters with one of the Greatest Chairshots Ever. Stiff as hell. I'd feel guilty, but c'mon: in this case, there's no danger of brain damage, is there? I believe if Masters tried to use this as an excuse for getting any dumber, his health insurance people would be able to quickly and easily turn down his claim on the grounds that it was -- as they say -- a Pre-Existing Condition.

Play Carlito's music as he is MOSTLY cheered (he's behaving as the heel, but I think WWE knows well enough that Carlito's the more naturally-likeable guy of these two, and is expecting fans to treat him as the babyface). Just to make sure we all get the message, Carlito gestures -- in that finest manner of gesturing (Broadly) -- with the International Sign For "I Am Much Smarter Than You." Though to be fair, many major kitchen appliances would qualify to make that gesture at Masters....

[ads]

Video Package: Chavo Guerrero quit. Next week, Jim Ross will have a Very Special Sit-Down Interview with Chavo to sort out what's going on with Poor Chavo.... but I say "Screw Poor Chavo." Let's just hope that this Very Special Sit-Down Interview ends better for Poor JR than every single other Sit-Down Interview he's ever conducted.

Mickie James vs. Maria the Mic Stand (Women's Title Match)

Mickie entered first, in her full Trish Stratus Garb. Maria entered second, and got about two steps down the ramp before they cut to some incredibly-awkwardly-timed....

[ads]

Paid Product Placement: somehow, Mickie James' music has restarted in the background, and we take a moment to visit with the announce team, who are eating Subway Brand Sandwiches. The hell? I guess we try this again....

Mickie James vs. Maria the Mic Stand (Women's Title Match, For Real This Time, Now That We've Got Corporate Sponsorship From Subway)

Mickie's definitely in on the tribOOte action... building on my notion from last week that Mickie's Trish Makeover should -- at least -- result in a doubling of our weekly ass cleavage, Mickie was taking lo-rise to all new levels this week. I'm talking about pants so precariously perched that she couldn't go more than 10 seconds without hiking them back up. Fantastic.

The girls ran through some pretty basic motions. With Maria involved, you gots to keep it simple, so lots of tummy kicks and stomping and stuff from Mickie to start. Then Mickie tried a move off the second rope, and Maria moved. He offense also consisted of mostly just kicks and stuff.

But then Maria's rally hit its peak, and she tried to approximate an Oklahoma Roll for a near fall. This? Only served to make Mickie angry. Mic Stands do NOT come within a half second of taking her Women's Title! So Mickie kicks it into Psycho Gear, and within 30 seconds, finishes Maria off with the I Refuse to Call It a Mick Kick Kick.

Your Winner: Mickie James, via pinfall, in about 2-3 minutes. It wasn't much as a wrestling match.... but once again, it wasn't designed to be. Because what we REALLY needed to see came....

After the Match: just as Mickie gets her hand raised in victory, somebody comes bopping down to the ring. It appears to be.... Mickie James. The brunette, spazzy, short-skirted, be-thonged Mickie James. Pre-Makeover Mickie James. Odd. But of course, a closer look reveals that this is Trish Stratus in disguise. Trishie James hops in the ring and keeps on bouncing around in a dead-on perfect imitation of Old Mickie's mannerisms. Then Trish gets a mic and is all ditzy and spazzy as she says "Ohmigod Mickie James I can't believe it you were my grandpappy's favorite and you're the greatest ohmigod." Mickie's a little freaked out as Trish insists on raising her hand in victory again. And Mickie's a LOT more freaked as Trish yanks Mickie in for a kiss on the lips. Mickie gets the hell out of dodge as Trish smirks a self-satisfied smirk. Hee.

And for the record: I edited this very idea out of the RAW Recap last week. [Find the paragraph that ends with something like "And imagine all the cool possibilities for when Trish came back to pick up the feud with her new twin," and that's where I stopped myself from continuing on with this idea.] Yes, jerkos, these things are 85-plus kilobytes every week, and that's WITH SELF-EDITING. So not only are my published ideas getting nicked, somebody's poking around my brain to steal the unpublished ones, now, too. 

For whatever it's worth, my thinking was that Trish has obviously got the comedic chops to pull this off beautifully. And also, to complete the makeover would require an un-blondening and thong-wearage, and going all the way back to the days of the Love Rhombus (when I thought maybe a heel turn would dictate a hairstyle change), I have harbored an intense interest in how Trish would look without a gallon of bleach in her hair. It's my standing expert opinion that girls who wear a tan as well as Trish tend to maximize hotness by also going a few shades darker on the hair. Early evidence last night tends to make me think I was not entirely off-base (even if it did sorta look like a wig once I stopped for closer inspection, the overall effect seemed a good one). That selfish aspect of the makeover aside, I also suspect that future evidence will bear out my theory that Trish will have a field day making an hilarious mockery of Mickie James' foibles, and in so doing, should win back whatever fans had flipped over to Mickie's side. 

[ads]

Edge vs. Triple H/John Cena (Handicap Match)

Wow. Everybody's in the ring for the main event, and it's only 10:55pm? We might get almost 10 minutes this week!

HHH and Cena's partnership is clearly one of convenience at this point, and neither is looking too chummy. For some reason, the rules this week are different than last week: no being in the ring at the same time... HHH and Cena must tag in and out.

Probably because that sets us up for our early "psychology," which is HHH and Cena trying to one-up the other, and blind-tagging in to hog all the glory. But when Edge took over on Cena, HHH was happy to stand idly by and watch Cena get his ass beat. Then: the second Cena regained control, HHH blind-tagged himself in.

For whatever it's worth, the crowd didn't seem quite into it, since these are two heels and then a babyface who is hated by more than half the audience. But it seemed like Cena probably had the most support AND the most boos. HHH was second in cheers, and Edge was second in boos. So piece all that together and see what you make of it.

What it meant was that fans were relatively placated as HHH came in and did a few minutes of his standard offense on Edge. Lots of Knee Stuff. But then that came to an end when Lita got up on the ring apron, and openly flaunted her Not A Shirt. And Trips feels my pain, now: he's the Cerebral Assassin and he should know better, but somehow, he could not take his eyes off that harlot who clearly wants it, and wants it now. Edge attacked from behind, and Cena got a kick out of the whole sequence of events.

But as Edge then placed a fairly severe ass-whupping on HHH outside the ring, Cena did appear to get genuinely concerned. And when the brawl returned to the ring, Cena was making good-faith attempts to tag in. But Edge was firmly in control for a few minutes, and HHH never got the chance....

Tide turned about 6 minutes in when HHH countered the "stand on the turnbuckle and do 10 punches" move with an inverted atomic drop. Cena wanted the tag. HHH had enough separation to get to his corner. But he opted not to, opening up a line of commentary speculation that HHH wouldn't tag Cena in under any circumstances.

Another 90 seconds or so of action seemed to bear this out, as HHH got a babyface-style offensive flurry, but ignored Cena's desire to tag in. Things changed, though, when Edge countered one of HHH's attempted knee-related moves with a jumping DDT. Both men down, and maybe NOW Trips has taken enough of a beating that his pride will allow him to tag in Cena?

Yep. That's the case. I guess, as far as this match is concerned, this counts as the Hot Tag... Edge is in pretty bad shape, so Cena doesn't have to do anything fancy. Wacky shoulder tackle, wacky suplex, all his Unorthodox (tm, Jim Ross) moves. Then a Five Knuckle Shuffle, and then it's time for an F-U....

But by now, Triple H has recovered enough to regain his assholitude. And he's not letting Cena steal his thunder.... Trips actually pulls Edge's carcass off Cena's shoulders and delivers a quick Pedigree to Edge. Cena contemplates pinning Edge, but doesn't want to let HHH steal HIS thunder.... so he snatches HHH up into a quick F-U. And then he cinches the STF onto Edge's lifeless body. FIN.

Your Winners: John Cena and Triple H, via submission, in about 6-7 minutes. Actually, not much longer than last week, as they didn't run over nearly as long, and they also padded out the ending with a shitload of replays. But I guess they're saving the good stuff between these three till the PPV, and rightfully so. It's not that the match was bad or anything, just kinda flat in spots, until it built up to the big finish. Which, for the record, I liked. No Cena fan am I, but they're doing a nice job staying creative on building the "One Upsmanship" Spots, and this was also the necessary finish to keep the ledgers basically even between the three. As I said near the top: I expect one more go round before the PPV, and in that one, Edge should take the win. Then you're perfectly positioned for Backlash.

Final shot of a show that was all over the fricking Quality Continuum is Cena celebrating to his standard mixed reaction.