Actually, I was talking to a friend, and I guess they did pick up the pace last week (or maybe the week before) and eliminated two finalists in the same night. They need to do more of that, given that the contest is half-over and there's still at least 3-4 completely implausible finalists in the mix. Then again: it probably doesn't matter. It seems Tommy and his Extremely Delusional Tastes have taken an inexplicable liking to the single most ridiculous and borderline-untalented douche on the show. I forget his name, but in my discussions of the show, I rely on nicknames (hell, I do that on almost ALL things that I'm not actually 100% interested/expert in), and his is Lord Revlon Q. von Faggenstein. If you're following along, you instantly should know who I'm talking about. And should be equally pissed that all signs point to him winning.

In my world, he'd be one of the ones who simply HAS to go. Along with "Terri Runnels," "Semi-Goth Space Hooker," "Soul Douche," and "The One Fucktard Who Slaughtered Nirvana A Few Weeks Ago." Tolerable selections would be The Scary Chick, Storm, and Mr. Iceland.

Just remember: your mileage may vary, since I obviously don't watch any of these stupid reality shows, and I'm probably coming at this whole thing from a different angle than 99% of the viewing audience. Then again: the angle I'm coming from is "wanting to pick somebody who'll make for a band I might actually be interested in seeing," which SHOULD be the only angle ANYbody is coming from if they're watching.

Oh well: that's about enough of me admitting to my one current shameful TV vice. Now that I've addressed your e-mails/concerns from yesterday's off-hand comment, I think I can let this topic rest... and get on with re-telling the tale of A RAW That Should Have Ended 15 Minutes Sooner.

If it had, it'd have been a super-strong show. Instead, it thudded its way all the way back down to sucktacularity....

Cold Open: Edge Remains A Giant Jerkface

Wow. For a "cold open," Lilian Garcia is sure bringing an unauthorized surplus of hotness. Decked out simply, but tastily, in one of them backless tops that render me 30 IQ points dumber, a jean skirt, and some boots, she kicks off the show by telling us that the WWE Champion Edge is coming to the ring.

While Edge and Lita make their way down, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler quickly welcome us to "The University of Virginia" (no metropolitan area named) and begin some Restaurant Quality Foreshadowing by telling us there are some nasty rumors about Edge visiting John Cena's childhood home...

Once Edge gets to the ring and on the mic, he addresses that very same issue, saying that he's sure everybody heard about it on WWE.com. Well, maybe we did, maybe we didn't. But if it's on WWE.com, I can promise you we didn't give a shit or put much stock in it. I mean: whatever became of DX's criminal acts of graffiti at Titan Towers, as reported exclusively by WWE.com?

First, by way of explanation, Edge says he's the most-screwed-over champion of all times, and he's getting run ragged. Title defenses everywhere (including a match against Carlito tonight), no respect from the front office, just a whole lot of frustration.... he needed a little break from it all. So he decided to take a mini-vacation. To West Newbury, Massachusetts. The hometown of John Cena.

In fact, he visited the home of John Cena's parents (or just his father, I'm not sure; but it was also Cena's childhood home), and after being invited in, Edge and Lita did a little sight-seeing. For proof, Edge brought along a camera man, and would now like his travelogue to air on the TitanTron....

An exterior shot of a large house in a rather well-to-do neighborhood. Then inside, the walking tour includes a stop off in the breakfast nook. Finally, they find Cena's old bedroom, left exactly as it was back in the day. [Hey, I may mock Cena, but apparently we are off roughly the same age and mentality: I think I still have one of them old rubber Macho Man Savage figures on top of one of my bookshelves, too!] Edge quips that he THOUGHT it was Cena's bedroom, but then he found wrestling boots, and since Cena can't wrestle, well..... ZING~! But then the pitiable abundance of throwback jerseys reveals that this is, indeed, the stomping grounds of Homey the Clown. Edge mocks a few of them (blowing his nose into a Larry Bird jersey, to ensure that much more heel heat this Sunday at SummerSlam), and then notes that he and Lita are standing on what apparently passed for Cena's bed. Huh: the dude is brought up in an upperclass, white-bread suburb of Boston, and he still opted for the Futon of Extreme Dirtbaggitude.

The walking tour then finishes up in a den or living room area, where the walls are adorned with what I would term "Cena Crap." Posters, magazine covers, and yes, even replicas of the belts he's won (which Edge notes is as close as Cena's ever gonna get to holding the WWE Title again). It's right around here that Mr. John Cena Senior walks in and starts giving Edge a talking-to; so back live in the ring, Edge picks up the narrative, and talks over the pre-tape to invent a new conversation in which on-screen Edge is telling Cena Senior how he's going to beat Cena Junior at SummerSlam, and then Cena Senior agrees with him. In reality, it appears as though Cena Senior was saying he'd had enough of Edge's crap and was asking him to leave.

Then, Edge pauses the pre-tape momentarily to say he's gonna clam up, now, cuz we're at the good part. ROLL THAT FOOTAGE~! The tape picks up with Edge and Senior jawing, and then Edge just bitchslaps Cena's dad, and declares that he and Lita can show themselves out. Live, in-ring Edge presides over multiple replays, some of them in slow-motion, of the bitchslap. And after that many looks at it, it's official: Cena Senior bumps better than his son. Meantime, as the replays are going on, Lawler and Ross are REALLY going overboard with how egregious a crime this was. Christ, guys, it's not like Edge tied Senior to a chair and forced him to watch the previous night's "Mind of Mencia" or something. Have some perspective....

Once the bitchslapping of Senior has been played enough times, Edge says that Cena Junior left RAW earlier today to go home and console his dad. But he's only delaying the inevitable. Edge runs down the Story To Date. Chapter 1: Money in the Bank. Chapter 2: Year's Revolution and cashing in MitB. Chapter 3: Live Sex Acts, Ladder Matches, and RAW's best ratings in 5 years. Intermission: Cena gets lucky and wins back his title. Chapter 4: Edge regains the WWE Title in July. Chapter 5: bitchslapping Cena's old man and loving it. And then? Every story needs and ending, a big finish. Lots of times, it's a happy ending for the good guy in his white hat. But not this time. At SummerSlam, Edge is donning the black hat of extreme evil, and the happy ending? Will be his. FIN.

Excellent opening segment. For as awful as the "home invasion" thing could have gotten, it turned out to be quite simple and effective. Bonus points have to go to Edge for suppressing what HAD to be a strong urge to mock the shit out of Cena for acting all wiggery and "street" when his rich-white-kid up-bringing pretty much proves he's nothing but the biggest poser on the planet. Yes: such observations would have been extremely easy, but they're also the kinds of things that would get Edge cheered and Cena booed, and it appears as though Edge is taking his job of being a heel seriously. So he did a very kind thing for John John by not pointing out what a phony sack of crap he is. Lord knows I'd not have had the same amount of restraint. Hell, this paragraph proves it.

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Mickie James vs. Lita (Women's Title Match)

Lita and Edge just stuck around ringside during the break. And when Mickie makes her entrance, she gets a semi-home-state welcome. Though the truth is that her status as the babyface in this match only solidified after frequent upskirt shots. [Note to all who were in on the "Mickie is TV Fat" thing, both on the Forums and in e-mail: how repugnant can Mickie be if flashes of her shapely rump are enough to turn her babyface for a match? I say the people have spoken! And more than likely, it's YOU who have a problem.]

Very basic circling/feeling-out stuff to start (trading headlocks and what-not), then a bit of a ramp-up into more complicated back-and-forthy (Lita with a 'rana, Mickie with a one-legged monkeyflip). Some of it was a bit dodgy, and my guess is the Internet Jackoff Brigade will line-up to blame Lita and her ring rust for the ugliness, but honestly: Lita's been working some house shows, but not against Mickie, and the simple fact is that no matter how good or bad two people are at something, the first time they try to do it TOGETHER, it's just not gonna click as well as it could. I think that's all you really saw here.

Lita eventually gained the extended advantage when she caught Mickie trying for a second-rope move, but instead slammed her off the ropes. Lots of stomping and choking for Lita, who was keeping her offense simple and heelish. She eventually settled in with a sort of arm-stretcher move, and it was out of that hold that Mickie began her comeback.

By now, the crowd's definitely a bit more into it, and siding with Mickie, so she goes high energy on us, including a Trish-esque Thesz Press (either she's still Trish's #1 Fan, or Trish's moveset is already up for grabs). Lita tried to slow things down with a DDT, but Mickie held onto the ropes, and Lita dropped to the mat. Mickie immediately made a cover, and tried to use the ropes for leverage, but Edge sprinted around the ring and knocked her legs off the ropes.

In the ensuing debate, Lita recovered and then rolled Mickie up from behind, and SHE tried to use the ropes for leverage. This time, the ref caught it and stopped his count. Lita was pissed, and started jawing with the ref. This led to another nearfall for Mickie, which also immediately led to Edge getting up on the apron to register his distaste over how things were progressing. While the ref was distracted, Lita countered a DDT attempt, and then grabbed the women's title belt and whapped Mickie in the head with it. Throw the evidence aside, Edge releases the ref, and you've got yourself a three-count.

Your Winner, and NEW Women's Champion: Lita, via pinfall, in about 5-6 minutes. Like I said, there was an undeniable bit of sloppiness, but it wasn't horrifyingly awful (and it even seemed to evaporate over the course of the match). More than anything, the idea of Edge and Lita both reigning as champs is a cool little bonus, and it should mean that once Trish gets involved, she'll supply us all with one last kick-ass title quest before heading off into the sunset. Plus: I just likey title changes on free TV. RAW does few enough of them that that alone makes for a little extra sizzle. I've got absolutely no serious complaints here....

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Backstage: Mick Foley has a few words, and polite gentleman that he is, he starts out by congratulating his friend Lita on her big title win. But then he says that's little consolation given how angry he's been this past week. Angry at himself. Because he held all the cards over Ric Flair, and was going to deny Flair the one thing he wanted so dearly. But then one mention of that 1989 "I Quit" match, and Mick just folded up his hand and gave in to Flair's wishes. The only thing that gives him comfort is knowing that in six days, he'll preside over the utter destruction of Ric Flair. Because Flair said "May one of us bleed to death," but if you look it up, Foley's only been busted open 4 times in a WWE ring (whoa! really?) and everybody knows Flair's an easy bleeder. So Flair had best get ready to wallow in.... but you know what? Mick interrupts his own train of thought to say there's no reason to wait six days, because tomorrow night on Sci-Fi, Mick's stopping by ECW, and he'll be engaging in something so Extreme, he's never done it before in his career. Flair is invited to come and visit, too, if he's got the balls. [Whoa, again! Between Foley and the three-way ladder match, is there any way that this week's ECW isn't gonna rule the universe?] So that covers Sunday, and that covers tomorrow.... but as for tonight? Foley says he promises he'll just be kicking back and watching from afar as the lovely and talented Melina leads her man, Johnny Nitro, to victory over Flair. So, Foley says, "Be a man, and I'll see you tomorrow night, you washed up piece of crap." Flat out excellent. But at this point, are you expecting anything less from Foley?

Umaga vs. Some Guy

Squash. Absolutely nothing worth reporting on. Except that JR needs to stop stealing from Tazz, because "manster" just ain't gonna catch on.

Your Winner: Umaga, via pinfall, in maybe 2 minutes or so. I'll say this: a month ago, this match would have played to dead silence because more people cared about Armando Alejandro Estrada than about his fat, anachronistic 80s Samoan Fat Guy. Tonight, it played to lots of loud, impressed "oooohhhs" and "aaahhhhhs" for Umaga's signature spots because the Samoan Fat Guy has finally been involved in some interesting things. Does anybody know if Keller and the idiot Torch readers are still spouting off about how totally wrong it was to book Umaga in those matches against DX because they ruined his credibility? If so, do me a favor, and take the time to mock him, either in a public forum or in a private e-mail, because tonight's pointless squash match proves he couldn't possibly have been more wrong. 

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Johnny Nitro vs. Ric Flair (Non-Title Match)

Not really a whole lot to this one. It's one of those class of matches that Flair has every now and again where you can kinda tell he's out of his element and working with somebody unfamiliar and they didn't really work anything out ahead of time.... sometimes, if the opponent is strong enough (remember the match against Kurt Angle?), the results can be very compelling and unique as we see a different side of Flair. But times like tonight? Not so much, as Nitro's still in no position to general a match like this, and so Flair just went into a shell and did nothing but take bumps and throw chops. Oh well.

That rather awkward dynamic lasted for about 2 minutes, and then Nitro tried to put an exclamation point at the end of his beatdown of Flair.... a Sky Twister Press? Are you shitting me? Needless to say, Flair moved out of the way, and Nitro ate canvas. Flair immediately went to work on Nitro's knee, but that's also when Mick Foley made a damned dirty liar out of himself by coming out and attacking Flair. 

Your Winner: Ric Flair, via disqualification, in 3 minutes or so. Not particularly good, with a pretty high Clunk Factor. But not so hateful that it wasn't effective enough at setting up what happened....

After the Match: Foley's beatdown on Flair continued until Foley tried to set Flair up for a spot outside the ring using the steel ring steps. Flair managed to evade that shot. So Mick just punctuated with a few final stomps, and then left with a satisfied smirk on his face while the crowd actually managed to fire up a strong "Foley Sucks" chant. Really? You philistines! Then again, the "University of Virginia" (no metropolitan area named) was also booing Edge and cheering Cena earlier, which leads me to believe the University of Virginia is in some podunk burg, and with school out of session, that college town probably ain't exactly a haven for cool, intelligent folks. The backwoods locals and townies? They just don't know any better!

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Diva Search, Week 7372: The Continued No Sellening!

Five vapid bimbos enter the ring. Then one leaves.

Waitaminute, waitaminute, waitaminute.... is one of the survivors really wearing a "MILF" t-shirt? Holy christ, that's just awful. I mean, I'm sure she was present for the circumstances that rendered her an M. But as to whether or not ILF her? That's up to us to decide, and any attempts by you to assume you know our feelings on the matter are nothing but the most unbecoming of Sheer Supposition. [For the younger, non-M's out there: the same principle holds when it comes to sequined t-shirts or (ever-so-much-worse) "message panties" declaring their wearer to be "Cutie" or "2 Hot 4 U" and so forth. It's not fun, it's not flirty, it's not ironic, it's just a way for insecure bimbos to over-compensate. Imagine seeing a dude wearing a "Giant Penis Which Will Be In Your Mouth Later Tonight Unless There's Something Wrong With You, Honey (with an arrow pointing down)" t-shirt, and you're pretty much talking about being in the same ballpark.]

And what the hell is happening now? Victoria, Titties McSuperBowl, and Torrie Wilson are coming out to the ring, and I guess it's a water balloon fight against the Diva Search girls. Whoopee. The only thing I'll mention: goddammit, Torrie, how many times does that twit Paris Hilton have to get bitten by her pet monkey before you finally listen to me, ditch your obnoxious Circa 2005 Yap Dog, and get the ever-so-much-hipper Stupid Bitch Accessory? MONKEY~!

This all ends with six moist girls, which certainly sounds like one hell of a promising idea, but becomes significantly less so considering that the only one of the bunch I really have any fondness for is also the one who looks most miserable to be participating. Poor, poor Victoria.

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DX Ain't A-Feared of No Satan!

Shawn Michaels and Triple H hit the ring (where the stage crew did a pretty nice job getting everything cleaned up after the Water Fight), and HHH kicks things off with the Buffer Intro.

Then Michaels takes the mic and admits that it's been a tough few weeks for DX, and specifically for him. He jokes about getting to hone his Prison Ministry Skillz, so all was not lost. But more importantly, he hopes that the McMahons haven't lost track of exactly who they're dealing with. Because DX might get knocked down, but they'll keep coming right at you. In fact, DX does whatever it wants, whenever it wants. And that includes making frequent mentions of Vince McMahon's seemingly insatiable appetite for.... well, Shawn lets a new t-shirt spell it out for him: "Vince Likes [cartoon rooster]." Because saying "cock" out loud would make the baby Jesus cry, I guess.

[I'd *love* to do a tangent here about how a friend of mine convinced me I had to watch a new episode of that "30 Days" show by the "Supersize Me" guy, where an atheist had to live with devout born-again Christians for a month. Suffice to say the experiment wasn't nearly as interesting as I had been led to believe by my friend (the Christians came off every bit as poorly as I would have assumed, but they also found a genuinely face-punchable atheist, too), and that turned out to be a definite case of letting TV poop into my brain unnecessarily for an hour. But some of the things that happened definitely did make me think of HBK's issues fitting in with DX, which is why I mention it.]

Anyhoo, the t-shirt (surely on sale now at WWE.com) is all the crap the McMahons are gonna put up with this week, so they interrupt and hit the stage, flanked by about a half-dozen rent-a-cops. Shane parrots back the "do whatever we want" thing at DX, saying the only thing they've been doing lately is getting dominated by the McMahons. He even has an utterly superfluous video package which is rendered less-intrusive thanks to my use of the FF button. 

Back live, and Shane hands the mic off to Poppa McMahon, who has to pause. Because the live crowd has decided to eschew the family friendly "Vince Likes Cock" line to chant the much-more-specific "Vince Sucks Cock" at him, with plenty of gusto. Patented Vince Ramble ensues, as he just starts babbling about nothing particularly interesting, and takes forever to do it.... after about 2 minutes of blah blah blah, he finally gets to something resembling A Point: DX is just two men, but the McMahons? They can enlist the help of anybody they want from RAW, they can get assistance from local and federal authorities, hell, they might even be able to call in the national guard as back-up. So what chance does DX really think they stand at SummerSlam.

HHH shouts back that Vince can bring the 82nd Airborne (complete with wife-beating Cpl. Kirschner!) or even Satan himself, because DX will have the answer. OK, so the easy joke here is that Michaels can always bring the Jesus to counter Satan..... but if this is anything less than the set-up for Stephanie McMahon to show up and side with DX, and announce that HHH is her baby daddy, I'm not sure why the hell they bothered with this particular tack of pushing the idea of DX as impotent and the McMahons as having "unlimited resources."

DX puts the capper on the segment by saying they'd gladly stare Satan in the face and tell him they got two words for him: Catch Phrase. Play DX's music.... and then watch in horror as Vince and Shane start dancing to it, still seemingly very confident that all is well in hand. Unlimited Resources, don't you know?

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The Spirit Squad vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan/Eugene (Non-Title Match)

Per the norm, it's the Rick-Approved Tandem of Kenny and Mikey who are legal for the Squad. Duggan starts for his team, and has tons of 80s style fun with the two for about 30 seconds, but as soon as he follows outside, the other three Squadders interfere, and turn the tables. It is at this juncture that the Highlands come on out to ringside, and decide to help even the odds a bit.

Duggan's your face in peril for about 45 harmless seconds. Hot tag to Eugene. Couple bit moves, then it breaks down into a Pier Four Brawl. The ref loses control, and when the extra Spirit Squadders try to interfere, the Highlanders stop them, and then the Highlanders themselves interfere. They hit Mikey with the Scot Drop, and the ref turns around just in time to see Eugene make the pinfall.

Your Winners: Eugene/Duggan, via pinfall, in about 2 minutes. Yes, it was short, but you bust Duggan out once per month, and he's a guaranteed crowd pleaser. Was it "good"? Nah. But was it fun? Kinda. Now: if this leads to Eugene/Duggan getting an extended tag title run, or something, we'll have to augment that analysis, but for now, this is the kind of Happy Fun Time Fluff that beats the hell out of RAW running some lame new pet project out there to get absolutely zero crowd response.

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It's Official: Unless the vignette is lying, Jeff Hardy is coming to RAW. Next week. Alert all spots that they should begin removing their pants. For they are all about to be blown.

Backstage: Armando Alejandro Estrada walks into the McMahons' office, and Vince immediately gets heel heat by cutting Estrrrrrrrrada off before he can do his beloved self-introduction. BOO~! Armando says he heard what Vince was saying earlier, and he read between the lines, and he has one resource that the McMahons can definitely count on..... his Samoan Bulldozer..... [all three shout the name together] UUUMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAGGAAAA! Enter Umaga, who makes scary faces into the camera for a few seconds. Well: that accomplished nothing.

Hype: JR and Lawler run the SummerSlam PPV card. Because they get paid to do so. I, however, do not.

Elsewhere Backstage: Carlito and Trish are heading to the ring, and as they get close enough to the camera for us to hear what they're saying, Trish says something naughty about that slutbag Lita, and then tells Carlito he really should kick Edge's ass tonight. Carlito, not one to disappoint a lady, says he plans on doing just that. It is, afterall, what he does for a living. And [pausing, turning to Trish], you know what else Carlito does? Trish seems to have an idea, but is willing to be shown.... so Carlito leans down and lays a nice smooch on Trish. Then it's back to business mode, and Carlito begins a march towards the ring again, while Trish lingers to collect herself and to mutter "That's cool" before following along. Uh oh: they just crossed the magical line.... you know what the Rick always says about couples who start talking alike and stealing each other's catchphrases: that's True Love, baby. Tough Luck, Trish's Real Life Fiancé! This clearly proves she'll be sticking around, not just to be with Carlito, but also to keep the women's division from descending into Suck!  Or not. But a man can wish, can't he?

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Edge vs. Carlito (Non-Title Match)

As Edge (w/ Lita) and Carlito (w/ Trish) make their way to the ring, I briefly note that it's still 20 minutes till 11pm (eastern), and start envisioning a kick-ass 25 minute main event. It took me till a few minutes into the match to remember that they'd been hyping a "Is Hulk Hogan coming here tonight or not?" angle, which means that there's no way this match is the main event.... d'oh.

Surprisingly strong start for Carlito, who gets the better of Edge about 20 seconds in, and doesn't relinquish the advantage for several minutes. Nothing fancy, but everything is fast-paced and doesn't drag. Finally, it does lead up to something fancy, as Carlito hits a killer reverse springboard senton thingie on Edge (man alive: Carlito the Character may be a bit more fun as a heel, but the trade-off is MORE than worth it given the work done by Carlito the Wrestler as a babyface). That could almost finish things off! Except Lita swoops in and puts Edge's foot on the ropes at the last second, forcing a break in the count. Just as Trish is running over to give Lita a solid what-for, Lita drags Edge's carcass out of the ring, and Edge sort of half-props-himself-up as if to say "Don't touch my girlfriend." So Trish sorta has to back away. It's a Mexican Standoff outside the ring, and Carlito's soaking in some deserved cheers inside the ring. So let's break for some....

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Back, and Edge is mysteriously in control, now. A quick "during the break" video clip helpfully explains that Carlito tried a move off the top rope, but Edge intercepted him in mid-air with a sweet dropkick. Nice. And now, Edge is also clearly working the ribs/abdomen (which is where his dropkick landed)...

This goes on for a bit, with a stomach-breaker being among the key attacks by Edge, before Edge is required to adhere to Formula. When it's time to hit the resthold, Edge opts for a seated reverse bearhug. Wow: that takes balls. Busting out one of the most pathetically boring holds in wrestling, and coming up with a way to make it even MORE rest-hold-y by sitting down to do it? That's begging for a mocking, except: the crowd's totally into the match and is eating it up (hatred of Edge? probably. love for Carlito? some. but hey, also some points for the hold, no matter how lame in appearance, being a logical end to Edge's focused Tummy Attack).

Carlito powers out of the hold, and tries to run the ropes to hammer Edge with a clothesline. But Lita holds his leg, and trips him up. Trish has no choice but to tackle Lita and rain down fists upon her, as the crowd gets even more jacked up. Meantime, Carlito has easily recovered from his stumble, and is piling on his high energy comeback moves. Million Dollar Kneelift/Clothseline Combo. Jawjacker Elbow. Some Flippy Shit Leading Directly into a Frankensteiner. Good stuff.

Then it's End Game: Edge reverses his way into setting Carlito up for a Spear. But Carlito leapfrogs and gets behind Edge, setting him up for the double-knee backcracker. But Edge reverses again, this time sending Carlito headfirst into a turnbuckle. Carlito is dazed enough that Edge has time to set up the Spear again, and this time? It lands. But the very instant Edge hits the Spear, all the girls go SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE, which can only mean one thing:

John Cena is here. And he's on Edge like white on rice.

Your Winner: Edge, via DQ, in about 10 minutes. Or maybe WWE will call it a No Decision, since that's what they seem to do with some frequency, no matter how much it annoys me. I could easily have gone without Cena, but pragmatically, this was the necessary finish. So I won't let it totally undo my enjoyment of the preceding 10 minutes. Edge and Carlito seemed to work OK together, and the fact that the crowd got into things by the end (even on the seated bearhug) makes me think there are more chapters to write between these two. I'd really hope that those chapters include the WWE Title this fall, but I got a sneaking suspicion that WWE will be unable to resist the urge to make sure Movie Boy has the strap when "The Marine" flops its way into theaters for a 2 week visit. Oh well. Much like the necessary-but-anticlimactic finish here, that's not gonna be Edge or Carlito's fault, either.

After the Match: the Cena/Edge brawl continues for about half a minute before officials break it up. Good chickenshit that he is, Edge takes the first available opportunity to hop over the barricade and escape Berzerker Mode Cena. Christ, Cena: Edge was all nice and polite and DIDN'T expose you as the upper class poser that you are, and THIS is how you thank him?

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The Night of Booking Stupidly

Well, if the show had ended with Carlito/Edge (and Cena's run-in), you would have had one damned fine little show. Some stuff was truly outstanding (Edge's promo, Foley's promo, the surprise title change, the Carlito/Edge match), and everything else (sans Diva Search) added SOMETHING to the show, be it crowd-pleasing fluff (like Duggan/Eugene) or a minor plot point (like the McMahons/DX "Unlimited Resources" thing).

But here comes Randy Orton to close out the night... and Orton plus Live Mic usually equals Suck.

Blah blah blah grammatically-inaccurate-blah blah blah blah... then Orton's pointless rambling about his Legend Killering is put on pause, as the thoughtful WWE Production Monkeys decided the less Orton talks and the more he uses visual aids, the better. So they run a lengthy video clip of all the legends Orton has befouled in the past 3 years.

Back live, and blah blah blah logically-spurious-blah blah blah blah, and Orton's trying to say that he's been following Hogan since he was a little boy, but he never understood the appeal. Ummm, maybe because he spent the better part of 18 months whupping your dad's ass every night, and you were too dim to realize rasslin' was fake? So anyway, with that, Orton finally gets to something vaguely resembling a punchline, and says this is why it'll be his pleasure to rid the world of Hulkamania once and for all at SummerSlam.

Cue Hogan's music. But cue the Hogan Imposter from a few weeks ago to come out. Humorously: the fans seemed to believe it really was Hogan at first. And a LOT of them continued to think it was Hogan until the guy actually opened his mouth. I know they say Virginia's for lovers, but that doesn't mean it's OK to bone your sister, kids. Which is the only explanation I can come up with for upwards of one-quarter of the audience being unable to tell the difference between Hulk Hogan and a 5'8" actor.

Orton praises Faux Hogan on looking quite spry for a man with a bad knee, and derides the "couch incident." Faux Hogan fires back with a diatribe that amounts to "brother brother brother dude brother dude brother brother." Then Orton talks about how he's afraid he's gonna have to kick Hogan's ass at SummerSlam, and Faux Hogan totally agrees with him, because he sucks and Orton is awesome and "Whatchya gonna do when I soil myself in the ring all over you?".... hokay.

Apparently, really lame jokes are like catnip to the REAL Hulk Hogan, though, as he suddenly appears on the stage. Good, but far from massive, ovation for the Hulkster. Hogan is limping something horrible as he heads to the ring, and again, my main thought is: this match was gonna suck donkey cock already. Now, Hogan moving around like this? Unless he's over-playing it for sympathy and has more in the tank than he's letting on, we're going to be talking about one of the worst PPV main events since..... well, fuck: only since the Royal Rumble, but still.....

Hogan limped to the ring, and as soon as he was in it, Orton tried to attack. Dumb idea, Potsie. Hogan started Hulking Up after a grand total of 2 punches by Orton. Standard Hogan Attack, and after Hogan hit the Big Boot (to Orton's belly), Orton decided to get out of dodge. Hogan kept staring bullets at Orton, though, which gave Faux Hogan time to attack from behind. Wow, that's an even dumber move than Orton attacking from the front.

With a natural grace only matched by Chris F. Masters, the fake Hogan stumbled and bumbled his way through a quick beatdown. Except that when Hogan got to the part where he would hit the Leg Drop o' Doom, he instead hit a couple of shitty elbow drops, and then kicked Faux Hogan out of the ring. 

Then Hogan grabbed a mic: he's had enough of Orton insulting him and embarrassing his family. So no matter how many legends Orton's killed, he's fixing to find out there's one legend that'll never die. Come Sunday, there's just one thing all the Hulkamaniacs want to know from Orton.... "Whatchya gonna do when the blah blah blah blah blah runs wild on you?" Play Hogan's music. Begin the posedown. And sprinkle liberally with reaction shots of Orton looking frustrated, as JR makes a really hard sell for SummerSlam.

Given the way they booked RAW, I can only assume this means they intend to put Hogan/Orton on last at the PPV, and I hate to say it, but: if they do, I expect the results to be every bit as underwhelming as they were here tonight. This was a RAW that would have benefited from ending 15 minutes sooner, and the PPV may end up being on that benefits from you leaving Hooters around 10:20pm (eastern). Honestly: SummerSlam's got more than enough bullets that they don't need to save the one blank out for the main event.... and just speaking in terms of this RAW: How in the hell does a segment that involves Hogan beating up some actor not just get thrown out there first as a nice fluffy warm-up (instead of flopping as an attempted main event)? Oh well....