But:
 

"A two hour TNA Impact would beat this Raw in the ratings, if not right away, within four weeks."

My normal rhetorical device is to call statements this inane "demonstrably false." But sadly, we'll never get to demonstrate how wrong this statement is. But utilizing common sense and a above-simian-level cognitive powers, we can observe that (a) Impact has never, in any timeslot including prime time, shown the ability to draw greater than a 1.1 rating, (b) Impact's SUSTAINABLE ratings appear to max out at 0.8, (c) after five weeks, Kurt Angle's signing has had zero effect on ratings, (d) even with ratings flagging currently, RAW's worst non-holiday rating of the past 12 months is a 3.2, and (e) 3.2 is precisely four times bigger than 0.8.

Do I need to elaborate, or are you as dim as Our Unnamed Guru? Just in case: RAW was the better show over Nitro for about 8 months in 1997 and 1998 before finally overcoming Nitro's rating's advantage -- which at its largest was roughly 33% and around 1.5 ratings points -- and winning its first week in 2 years. Even making the (absurd) assumption that every RAW could be this forgettable even if WWE tried, I trust you can see how stating that TNA could overcome a 75%/2.5-point ratings disadvantage in 1/8th the time that it took RAW to overtake Nitro at the start of the Attitude Era makes the person generating that statement a bona fide maroon.

It's also part of the reason why WWE and some wrestlers are able to so easily dismiss the internet and the "smart" underground as a bunch of "jackoffs" whose opinions don't matter. Because most of them just morph into the worst kind of "critic" the second they perceive they have an audience: the kind who is totally disconnected from the Normal Fan, and makes the kind of asinine statements that only resonate with the obsessed/super-addicted Whackjob Fans who also like to think they understand more about the genre than anybody else but who are also relatively clueless.

The phenomenon isn't just limited to wrestling. Something like it exists for just about every form of entertainment out there. Snarky "movie critics" on sites like AintItCool think they're on the cutting edge of anything other than lame, take credit for when they help change the direction of production of "Snakes on a Plane" and then have to sit around and watch helplessly as America collectively decides that "Mother Fucking Snakes" or no, it's still a pretty dumb movie that they don't want to pay to see. Self-important twits on sites like TelevisionWithoutPity have seen so much TV (I mean, unhealthy amounts) that they think they've seen it all and that their purely personal tastes of what's good and bad are somehow universal truths about show quality; but the sad truth is that most of us don't want to watch network TV that is programmed solely by undersexed 30-something housewives who fill voids in their life by having "My Shows" three times a night, six days a week, and don't just watch them religiously but have enough time to kill that they get online to titter about them. Instead of just watching 4-5 shows per week and letting well enough be, like the rest of us.

And don't even get me started on Sports Talk Radio, which has contributed nothing to society or sports discourse, ever. And has, in fact, made a lot of people dumber along the way. Especially the people who can listen to Jim Rome without irony.

The one common thread among all these "subcultures" of unhealthily obsessed fans, be it wrestling or TV or movies, is that you could take these trash talking pundits and tell them: "OK, fine. If you're so smart, you run things and make a TV show or movie or wrestling event that will be good and will succeed." And generally speaking, not a one of them could. Honestly: let Jim Rome run any franchise in the major sport of his choosing, and does anyone out there think he'd do anything to improve it? Nope, but don't let that stop him from acting like he's smarter than everybody else, when all he's really doing is parroting fairly obvious observations about sporting events that don't, cosmically speaking, even really matter all that much.

Needless to say, that's what we try to avoid here at OO, what with our Actually Paying Attention to What Works With Fans and What Doesn't Regardless of OOur Personal Tastes and our Offering Real Viable Solutions Almost Every Single Time We Point Out a Problem. 'Tis just how we roll.

And now that I've gotten that restaurant quality rant off my chest, here's what may well end up being a Taco Bell quality recap of last night's sub-par RAW:

The Cutting Edge of Logic

After the Opening Theme, we cut to straight to the ring for a semi-cold open. Such is life when you don't have any prepared matches to hype, and will be using your opening segment to announce those matches. No use to add in the Pyro/Etc. and a visit with JR and Lawler if they don't have any substantive information for us.

Anyway, Edge is in the ring with a mic. And Randall Orton is sitting impotently on a stool next to him, just looking pretty. Oh, christ: they've been playing down the Lita/Edge connection the past 3-4 weeks (in preparation for Lita's departure), but this is the first time that it's been bludgeoningly obvious that Orton has been assigned to be Edge's new useless bimbo sidekick.

C'mon Edgeward: have you no pride? You've carried RAW on your back for some of its hottest runs this year and are a top candidate for Wrestler of the Year; can't you lodge a complaint with somebody about this heinous mistreatment? I mean, just look at the capsule summaries:

So Edge: don't accept this monumental downgrade, son! Get out while you can!

And wait: there's a promo going on.

In a nutshell: it's Edge's birthday, which causes him to throw up a little bit in his mouth because he's having to spend it here in Moline, IL, with all these idiots. And also because nothing's more cutting edge than lifting lines from 2-year-old movies.

Something to make Edge feel better: he's got three special guests... the three candidates to be the guest referee (as voted on by fans) for the DX vs. Edge/Orton match this Sunday on PPV. Enter Eric Bischoff, Coach, and Vince McMahon.

Bischoff ("I'll show you the true meaning of controversy") and Coach ("Absolutely Nothing of Substance") make "campaign speeches" at Edge's behest. Vince is too big to do that, though, and instead says he'll trust the fans to understand what he'd bring to the match. Meantime, he's got a birthday present for Edge: he'll be the guest referee tonight, when Randy Orton faces Triple H in their "rubber match." Everybody's happy!

Then Vince excuses everybody but Coach, who sticks around the answer the question: "So, Coach, what have you been doing to make sure John Cena doesn't lose RAW's WWE Title to another show?".... Coach tries "Well, I can give him the night off tonight to make sure he's rested." Vince no likey. Then: "Well, I can put him in a match with both Booker T and Big Show so he can soften them up." Vince no likey. Finally: "Well, sir, you are a true genius, so tell me what you'd do, and let me learn from your wisdom." Vince likey. Kind of.

Vince says he thinks Cena should have a one-on-one warm-up match. And as a test for Cyber Sunday, he'll let the fans pick the opponent. Maybe it'll be Booker ("boo"). Maybe Show ("boo"). Or maybe...... Coach ("yay [kinda]"). Along the way of talking about Cena dropping the title to another show (like he did to ECW in June), Vince mangled his lines like a man who doesn't even watch his own show. Along the way of giving out the voting info for this Fans' Choice Match, Vince mangled his lines like Miz doing the Diva Search. What a pro.

And on that note, we're out. And I'm trying to figure out what in the hell sense any of this segment made. For starters, I don't get how a "fan friendly" show gives fans three unappealing (from their perspective, assuming they like DX) choices like Coach, Bischoff, and Vince. It's like a replay of the 2004 Presidential Election, except that in addition to Giant Douche and Turd Sandwich, fans can also select Cup of Hot Piss. And Vince truly left the realm of logic when he made TONIGHT's fan choice match. First he says he doesn't want to test Cena with a tough match; but he also doesn't want to give him the night off. But then he comes up with three choices, two of which (Booker/Show) are tough matches, and one of which (Coach) is a night off. So dumb. And that's without even getting into the silliness of Vince wanting to go from DX-hating heel to Coach-hating face within the same segment for no apparent reason.

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Johnny Nitro vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Carlito

Jeff Hardy also comes out and contributes nothing but just standing around ringside looking fruity.

This match is ostensibly a showcase for these three men to convince fans to vote for one of them to be the opponent for IC Champ Hardy on Sunday. In reality, it's a 2 minute throwaway piece of crap. Well, not "piece of crap." They snuck in two pretty cool high impact spots (both involving Shelton). But that was it.

Story of the match: Nitro and Shelton double team on Carlito. Carlito powders out. Nitro and Shelton fight, as there is no honor among thieves. Nitro powders out. Carlito sneaks back in, hits a double knee back cracker and pins Shelton. Done and done.

Your Winner: Carlito, via pinfall, in 2-3 minutes. Nothing to see here. After the match, Jeff gestured (I refuse to call it Broadly) as if to say "Nice work, fellow babyface," so we did learn one thing: WWE is giving you permission to vote for a face/face match, if you want. You won't be pissing them off.
 
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Backstage: Tough Questions Todd Grisham attempts to interview John Cena, but instead gets some ridiculous poser (perhaps in "character" for Halloween?) who appears to have meshed several beloved WWE personas into "Sgt. Rock Austin." Step one: casually talk about not being worried about an opponent, and "bottom lining it" by talking about drinking a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Step two: act like a total self-amused (but NOT amusing) douche by putting Todd Grisham through a lengthy inquisition about his homosexuality for no good reason. Step three: become a Marine, and get all "intense" in a way that is fake and chuckle-inducing even by mid-80s standards, and close with a salute. And that's your Cena promo for the night. I made up none of this; I couldn't if I tried. Not a single genuine moment the whole time, just more of Cena's patented posery. Which is why he'll continue to have problems establishing a reliable fanbase outside of (1) teenage fangirls, (2) insecure male adolescents who relate to doing what other people around you do in an attempt to be cool and well-liked, and (3) the mentally enfeebled.

Elsewhere Backstage: Torrie Wilson and Candice Michelle are huddling over a cell phone, voting for Coach because John Cena is SOOOOO KEWT and Coach won't give him much of a fight. Ugh. Then Torrie sees Carlito, and peels off to talk to him. She's all "So I know it's been a rough month for you." And Carlito's all "Huh?". So Torrie's all "You know, since Trish left." And Carlito's all "Huh? We talked about it and said goodbye, it's all cool." And Torrie's all "But I know it's been a rough month for you." And Carlito decides that if he's now not been laid in a whole month, in WWE Think, that means he'll instinctively give in an just nail anything with a pulse, so he changes gears: "Oh, yeah, I mean, I still hurt on the inside. And feelings. And stuff." And Torrie's all "You silly man, you know you should let that out, so we should hang out and you can talk if you want." And Carlito's all "Yeah, talk. And feelings. And stuff." And Torrie's all "Awesome, how about later tonight?". And Carlito's like "What? You're still here. Go away. I already said I'd befoul your bimbo ass while you think you're helping me with emotional problems." And Torrie's all "Sweet. Bye bye till later!". And Carlito's all "[pitying head shake]". How is it that I can get all pissy and indignant when the writer monkeys put the merest hint of stupidity in Trish's mouth, but if Torrie wants to flirt like a retard and Carlito resignedly decides he might as well nail her if she's gonna make it that easy, I have nothing to say about it?

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Announcement: JR tells us that the women's title match will have a stipulation voted upon by fans: (1) No DQ, (2) Diva Lumberjacks, or (3) Submissions Only. But before you can vote on that, we need to find out the other finalist for said match....

Lita vs. Maria the Mic Stand (Women's Title Semi-Final Match)

Mickie James comes out for a quick bit of scouting/guest commentary. She gets heavy minus points for actually laughing at Lawler's horseshit so as not to come off too bitchy. She gets plus points for unabashedly correcting him on some of his facts (such as number of Trish Title Reigns) and for reminding us that what is "TV Fat" to some is "Built for Wearing Tight Jeans" to The Me.

Match is nothing. Maria gets one or two moves in, and could someday perfect the niche once semi-filled by Stacy Keibler: that of cute sweetheart type with limited skills who you don't really like, but who you instinctively don't want to see harmed by any of those other meaniehead girls. Except Maria's actually training and doesn't want to suck, so she might do it even better.

Then Lita squashes her, winning with a DDT.

Your Winner: Lita, in 90 seconds, via pinfall. Bleh. If you're gonna go through the trouble of advancing Maria against all common sense, at least give her a spot to milk the sympathy factor (and to simultaneously make Lita look unstoppable). Instead, this was just pointlessness personified.

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Oy: Apparently, "The Marine" is still in theatres. So WWE very badly needs you to go see it.

Triple H vs. ZebraBoy (Very Special "Undoing the Stipulation" Match)

Edge enters the ring, wearing his striped shirt of extreme officiating power (and remembering, as all good Guest Refs should, to point to the WWE emblem on the chest, as if it is the source of all power).

Triple H enters the ring, and Edge scurries off the a corner, where he'll be no trouble. So Hunter sets up camp in the middle of the ring, to do the Buffer Style ring intro. Except, as a special twist, when he starts vamping on the "ARE YOU READY?" line for a bit, he just drops the mic, turns, kicks Edge in the gut, and Pedigrees him.

HHH picks up the mic and quips "Well, we know HE wasn't ready." Ha. Then HHH insists we get Edge out of his ring, and get this match started. After these.....

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Triple H vs. Randy Orton (Perfectly Normal Match)

A regulation referee is in the ring. Randy Orton enters the arena to the strains of "Theme From Dumb Guy." Let's ring that bell.

Match spills outside the ring very early for some back and forth brawling, in an attempt to trick me into caring.

The match gets back into the ring, where they magically remember that Orton "injured his knee" causing a HHH/Orton match 2 weeks ago to kind of stink. HHH works the knee methodically (i.e. "boringly"), leading up to an attempted Figure Four Leglock.

But HHH pauses to "WHOOOO~!" giving Orton time to kick him off into a turnbuckle. Orton takes control. Punch, punch, DDT, punch, punch, CHINLOCK~! That's why we love you Randy: you never don't disappoint!

HHH powers out of the chinlock. They trade fists. HHH seems to be gaining control. So Edge runs out and spears HHH. That's your match. What an imaginative finish. And what a satisfyin use of the promised stipulation. I can only assume Pat Patterson got fired again, or something. The 2-on-1 beating continues after the match until HHH can grab a sledge (I forgot to mention that Shawn Michaels was not in the building tonight, so he couldn't make the save).

Your Winner: Triple H, via Disqualification, in 6 minutes. Let's just say the above is one of my more accurate and complete play-by-plays ever. If you can find 6 minutes worth of watchable TV in there, well, that's just where we're different. I'm honestly just starting to think that, no matter how hard they want it to be true, HHH and Orton just don't have anything resembling chemistry together. Then again, has Orton ever approximated anything resembling a vague representation of something that looks like a spark of chemistry with anyone not named Foley?

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Umaga vs. Hacksaw Duggan/Eugene (Handicap Match)

Hacksaw and Eugene enter first. Duggan appears to give an effective pep talk. But as soon as Umaga appears, Eugene gets scared and goes to use Lilian Garcia as a protective shield. Let's see: be a fricking man, or look like a pussy on national TV and enjoy 2 armfuls of Lilian in the process? That's a tough one. Retard or no, you can't really fault Eugene's decision making too much here.

That leaves Duggan to get positively squashed, ending Eugene's terrified embrace of the bemused Lilian at about 90 seconds. Oh well, all good things must end.

Your Winner: Umaga, via squash. This could be the start of a heel turn for Eugene (from his crazy outburst of anger last week, to this week's wussiness, both at the expense of Duggan), or it could just be the writer monkeys throwing their feces at the wall to see what'll stick for a few weeks before they forget all about it and put Eugene back on Heat. Either way, I'm hardpressed to care.

Backstage: Coach and Bischoff are talking, and Bischoff tried teasing Coach about having to face Cena tonight. But Coach claims he's a different man than the lackey Bischoff remembers from a year ago. To prove it, Coach promises to kick the ass of "the next man to walk through that door." Ron "Faarooq" Simmons walks through. Coach wimps out and leaves. Bischoff chuckles and leaves. The camera lingers on Simmons, who opines "Damn." It's official: in it's second week, this is no longer funny thanks to the least creative "Creative Team" in the history of creative things.

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It Doesn't Matter Who You Vote For

Ric Flair hits the top of the stage to announce that he'll have a Tag Team Title Match against the Spirit Squad on Sunday. And the fans get to pick his partner. Let's meet the candidates! Sgt. Slaughter! Rowdy Roddy Piper! And last: Dusty Rhodes! [It's interesting that a year after swallowing his pride to come work for Vince, Dusty's "legacy" is now being acknowledged, and he's getting put above Piper in scenarios like this, isn't it?]

Slaughter makes his case with a cliche-driven diatribe about "maggots" and "atten HUT" and "at ease" and "you're dismissed" that are, in every way, less contrived than any word out of Cena's mouth earlier.

Piper makes his case that he's surrounded by two dozen world titles, and he's standing here with nothing to show for his decades in the business, so vote for him so he can hang with Flair and get him some gold. Forgetting the IC Title there, Rod?

Dusty makes his case with some nonsensical ramble about respect and young pups and old lions. And says (three times) how much of an honor it would be to stand beside the SIX TIME champ, Ric Flair. It can't be a flubbed line, cuz he said "six" three times. But does that mean it was somebody's idea of a rib on 16 time champ Flair? Or some kind of hidden "ZING" from Dusty over the value of any of Flair's non-NWA titles?

And that's that. Yeah, it was another lazy-ass "meet the candidates" thing like the opening segment. But at least this one was introducing a new match for the PPV. And I guess if you include these four, you're always gonna get a harmless, fluffy, feel good nostalgia bit, so it's forgivable.

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Backstage: Todd Grisham tries to interview Cryme Tyme, but basically JTG distracts him while Shad sneaks behind them and steals the PlasmaTron monitor.... and then there's no time to linger and explain to Todd (or to the fuzz), cuz they gots a match....

Cryme Tyme vs. Viscera and Charlie Haas

Was Haas looking a little extra gay to anybody else last night? When hanging around a sexually aggressive 500 pound man, that might not be the best look, Chuck.

Cryme Tyme inexplicably sets up the PlasmaTron on the announce table and plugs it in. So they can watch the match? As if there isn't a 50-times-bigger TitanTron already showing live footage? So pointless. So random. So dumb.

JTG gets his ass whupped for about a minute. Hot tag to Shad. Bit of a house afire. Things get really sloppy and disjointed. The ref finally just says "Fuck it" and lies, claiming Haas is the legal man, even though Vis is. So while the ref is dealing with Vis, Cryme Tyme hit their-as-yet-unnamed double-team finisher on Haas (who, unlike Viscera, can be lifted up to take said finisher). Mercifully, it is over.

Your Winners: Cryme Tyme, via pinfall, in about 2 minutes. Relatively pointless. But it's telling that the fans seem to really not want to care about Cryme Tyme, but by the end of their matches, the fans can help but cheer a little because there's something infectious about these good-natured shifty negroes. Everytime on TV is like Cryme Tyme's own personal Rock Ridge. All we need is Harvey Corman to show up as the narrow-minded authority figure intent on putting an end to their antics. Presuming he's not dead, that is.

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Backstage: Todd Grisham interviewed Triple H about what happened earlier. HHH says he doesn't really care about what happened earlier, because he had his equalizer (the sledgehammer). After some pointless innuendo about his being bigger (in which I assume the sledge is a metaphor for his penis), Trips makes the rather cryptic remark that on Sunday, Edge and Orton aren't just facing HHH and Shawn Michaels. They are facing DX. Either that was a completely vacuous offhand comment with no additional meaning. Or Chyna, X-Pac, Billy Gunn, or Road Dogg will be showing up on Sunday. I'm annoyed if it's the former, and like all right thinking wrestling fans would get pissed off if it's foreshadowing of the latter. All in all, not a promo that accomplished anything positive with me.

Elsewhere Backstage: Coach is online voting for Not Him to face Cena in the main event. Booker T catches him red-handed. Then Show walks in, too. Somehow, the writer monkeys restrained themselves from making a "spanking it to internet porn" joke here, and just had Show and Booker get pissed that Coach was trying to throw one of them to the wolves. Show and Booker end the segment united in the theory that Coach should face Cena, and Coach is left blubbering about working something out.

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The Decisioning

Coach, Big Show, and Booker enter. A graphic appears on the TitanTron, and Coach will be facing Cena now (and he got a whopping 3/4ths of the vote). Show and Booker bail out, giving the appearance of not giving a shit about Coach.

John Cena vs. Coach

But of course, those crafty other champs DO care about what happens here, and they teamed up to beat Cena up outside the ring before the match started. Once convinced enough damage was done that even Coach could handle it from here, they tossed Cena into the ring.

Then Booker and Show joined the commentary team, and for those who don't watch SmackDown!, you got a sample of why Booker rules the fucking universe these days, and doubly so on commentary. I'm just torn on whether or not I like Show or Sharmell better as his cohort. On one hand, Show couldn't keep a straight face for even 3 seconds anytime Booker opened his mouth, which was funny. On the other, it is a weekly treat of mine to have Booker bow out and let his Queen do the berating of Michael Cole when necessary. Since there's no Cole here tonight, we'll call it a wash.

Match is nothing. Coach briefly retains control with stomps and punches. Cena makes the superman comeback. Wacky suplex. Five Knuckle Shuffle. SSTF. Tap out. It's over.

Your Winner: Cena, via tap out, in 3 minutes. Easily one of the lamest and most anticlimactic RAW main events of the year, adding almost nothing to the upcoming PPV main event's appeal. A miss on its own merits, and a miss as a marketing tool. Bleh. Show ends with Cena vamping a celebration and making intense faces at Show and Booker. Whatever.