The show opens with some random guy running down the street with a torch in hand, like they do before the Olympics. Yeah, I dunno.

I kind of miss the Union Underground theme song, because this new one (well, new since the last time I did one of these recaps and would have had a chance to bitch about it) blows. Lawler and King welcome us to RAW.

Shawn Michaels opens the show, coming down to the ring wearing a cowboy hat and looking kind of silly in it. He grabs a mic and gets down to business: "The better man won last night." Is he talking about Orton? Really? And is "man" the correct descriptive term for someone with a mental age of 13? Anyway, HBK invites Orton down to the ring so he can shake his hand. He's greeted to silence, and then Randy Orton the Date Rapist's bruised mug pops up on the Titan Tron.

Dammit. Look, I'll come clean here: it's one thing to read about Orton still being the champ, and it's another to come back to wrestling after several years and see him with the belt. I was secretly hoping that… okay, did anyone ever see that episode of MTV's True Life: I'm Getting Plastic Surgery waaaay back in the day, and one of the idiots featured on the show was some douchebag with an Orton physique and a butterface who wanted to be a model and was all, "Real men wear body glitter," and his plastic surgery of choice was calf implants? No, I'm not kidding. I think I saw it for the first time when I was in high school, and it was the first time I can ever recall wanting to punch someone on my television screen. Anyway, imagine my smug satisfaction when I found out that, several years later, he had ended up with a career in gay porn.

That is kinda what I was hoping had happened to Randy Orton. Honestly, why has nobody fired this twat?

Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, Randy is like, "Uh… no. We know full well you're not gonna shake my hand if I come down there." Michaels: "Okay, you got me. I was gonna kick you again." Heh. But HBK also says he wouldn't have done that until he challenged Randy to a rematch. The crowd is on board with this.

Randy just ignores this and says he's not coming down to the ring (uh, haven't we already established that?), and that he's not giving him a rematch. He says he proved he was the better man last night, he proved he was the better man when he beat Triple H, and he proved he was the better man when he took out Cena. I get it, Orton, you want the Pearl Jam track as your new entrance music. He says he won't dignify HBK's challenge with a response, and asked if he noticed the marathon runner at the beginning of the show. Apparently, the runner is coming from Miami to Ft. Lauderdale, and will symbolize the "changing of the guard" and "passing of the torch" to Randy. The passing of a random torch from a random marathon runner? Wow, that's… stupid. Unless Randy has to take the torch and run a marathon of his own and die at the end of it like Pheidippides, in which case I think it's a wonderful idea. And hey, if Jericho's going to make an appearance, when do you think it might be? Just asking, because I have absolutely no idea.

"Shawn Michaels… you had your chance. And now… it's over." Ooooh, dramatic. And when I say "dramatic," I mean "lame." Orton's face thankfully fades to black on the screen. And then… "KENNEDY!"

Mr. Kennedy comes down to the ring and gets in Michaels' face. HBK slugs away at him, and they fight on the outside until HBK eats the ringpost. Kennedy grabs the mic and says that HBK has had his turn, and now it's his turn. Michaels is all, "Bring it on," and Kennedy teases coming back into the ring. Instead, he grabs the mic again.

Kennedy says that HBK has accomplished a lot in his career. "Let's see… losing an epic ladder match… losing to John Cena at Wrestlemania… losing your smile…" Me: "Losing the first ever Hell in A Cell match to… oh, wait." Kennedy: "Let's face it, Shawn: you're a loser."

Suddenly, William Regal appears on the ramp in a suit. Whoa, is he the GM? Sweet. Anyway, he says they'll have a match right then and there, calling for a referee. Then we go to some…

We return with the match in progress, with both men fighting on the ramp. JR says the match hasn't officially started yet. They brawl into the crowd, and Shawn gets clotheslined over the crowd barrier. They fight over the announce table and against the ring apron, and HBK is tossed in the ring. Kennedy grabs a chair and tries to bring it in, but gets it Superkicked into his face while he's on the apron in a nice spot. He's out cold.

Winner: None, as the match never officially started, though HBK was the clear victor in this little altercation.

Later tonight: Jeff Hardy v. Umaga. Joy.

Why is this match even… nevermind, I don't want to know. Rick told me that Santino is awesome, but I don't think a match with Lawler will help him win make much of an impression on me. We flash back to last week, when Lawler beat Santino.

The bell rings, and Santino clearly appeals to the ref to watch for Lawler's closed fists, and kind of wins me over when he taunts Lawler. "You-ah have no feeests, you-ah have nothing!" Heh. In response, Lawler drop-kicks him in the face, and it's on. Tie up in the corner, and the King teases a right hand but doesn't use it. Santino counters briefly, but Lawler goes to town on his midsection with fists until he eats the ringpost with his shoulder. Armbar takedown and a headbutt to the shoulder, and Santino rolls out of the ring, puts on Lawler's crown, and grabs a mic.

"Look at me! I'm Jerry Stupid Lawler!" Hee. He looks at JR and says he's going to beat his friend like a "government dog." "You like Knobberslockers?" HEE. He goes back in the ring to taunt King some more: "Look at me, I'm Jerry Lawler! I like puppies! Big puppies, little puppies, clean puppies, and dirty puppies." Heh. It's all in the delivery. He continues: "I'm from Mem-phus! I make fun of women because I have no self-esteem!" BWAH! Okay, Santino is my new hero. "You're Jerry Lawler, but I'm Santino M -- " and he's interrupted by the King's right hand. Dammit. There's barely another minute of action before Lawler wins with a backslide.

Post-match, Randy Orton runs out and RKOs Lawler. Sigh. He grabs a mic: "Sorry, King, I'm sorry. I, uh… I just couldn't help myself." Oh, shut up, you mouth-breathing twit. Randy has an update on his marathon runner for us, complete with video. "He's running right by the arena where I beat Shawn Michaels at" [sic]. "I remember it like it was only yesterday… wait a minute. It WAS yesterday." Ugh. I really can't say enough for how horribly stilted his promo skills are. You know how Swedish pop bands don't actually speak English and just learn the lyrics phonetically? That's how Randy Orton talks. "And now it's only a matter of time before the official passing of the torch." Official? I thought it was just symbolic, Randy. Make up your mind. He leaves, his still-shitty entrance music blaring.

Later tonight: Hardy v. Umaga, and Randy's retarded ceremony that we all know will interrupted by Jericho.

We're back, and Randy Orton's marathon runner is still running.

Elsewhere backstage: Todd Grisham asks Kennedy what happened with Shawn Michaels. Kennedy is still holding the side of his face in pain and seethes that he just wanted to show Shawn Michaels some respect. Huh? But no, HBK decided to Superkick a chair into his face. And he knows why Michaels did it: he can see his career evaporating before his eyes, and he can see talent in Kennedy that he wishes he had, and he'll do anything to hold him down. "But that's not gonna happen, Shawn. Father Time catches up with everybody!" I dunno -- isn't the Undertaker still wrestling? "Next time our paths cross, you ain't gotta worry about Father Time! All you gotta worry about is Mr. Kennedy!"

Back to JR: he introduces a video package about the Hornswaggle/Khali match last night. Okay, so I've heard about Hornswaggle, and I ask this sincerely: what the fuck? It's officially the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard of, and I was a watching during the Katie Vick days. No, seriously: What. The. Fuck? Shit like this makes people embarrassed to be wrestling fans.

Backstage: Vince, looking a few years older and slightly more deranged than the last time I saw him, asks Coach and Regal what they thought of the PPV last night. Regal tells Vince that his favorite part was watching Hornswaggle walk around before the match, because it cracked him up. Coach loved Vince's motivational speech to Hornswaggle, and Khali's giant whack upside Hornswaggle's head. They're clearly amused by the midget, and Vince is not.

Sigh. Again: So. Fucking. Stupid.

They're interrupted by Carlito, who comes in and says he likes Vince's "tough love" approach to the midget, because his own father used to beat the crap out of him. He can respect that, or something similarly stupid. Anyway, Vince decides to make a match for later that night: Hornswaggle v. Carlito. All of the cronies try not to crack up in front of Vince and agree to the match. I come back for a recap for the first time in years and I get this crap?

Jeff makes his entrance, and I'm glad to see him looking so much healthier than the last time I saw him. He's even put on a little weight, and seems to have ditched the body paint. He's still a freak, though. While I contemplate that, let's watch a few…

Khali enters, and King is back on commentary. Punchy-kicky to start, and Umaga is drop-kicked outside. Back in, Umaga eats another low dropkick. He tries and fails to knock Umaga down, and gets a big shoulder-block. And holy shit, is Lawler giving relevant, interesting commentary that adds to the story of the match? When the hell did that start happening?

Umaga takes control and goes for a nerve hold, which is easily the dumbest resthold I've ever seen in wrestling. JR and King talk about how sore Jeff must be from last night's match. He fights out of the nerve hold but gets knocked down for his troubles. And Umaga again goes for the nerve hold. Christ, that looks stupid, and there's no convincing way to sell it. Hardy fights out again. Umaga misses a corner charge and hit's the ringpost shoulder-first, walking into a DDT. Jeff tries to go up top but gets shoved into the crowd barrier. And now is a good time for some…

We're back, with Jeff stuck in that nerve hold AGAIN. Ugh. They show Jeff taking more abuse during the commercial break. Jeff fights out and stupidly tries a suplex, but collapses under Umaga's weight for a two-count. And we're back to the nerve hold A-fucking-GAIN. God, this is taking forever. He finally fights out but gets back-body-dropped. Legdrop and kneedrop get two. Once again, Lawler shocks me by giving commentary that adds to a match that would otherwise be pretty boring.

Spinning heel kicks by Umaga gets another two count. And another. And we've got our story here, with Jeff continually kicking out of moves that should have ended the match. Hardy gets a brief hope spot but is caught jumping from the top rope, which Umaga turns into a vicious-looking spinning slam. That should be it, but it only gets two. The crowd is really getting behind Jeff at this point, and so of course Umaga goes back to that goddamned nerve hold.

Jeff fights out again and eats a foot to the face. Umaga tries a second-rope splash but Jeff rolls out at the last second. The ref starts the ten count. Both men get back up, but Jeff is slapped back down. A charge in the corner misses, and Jeff manages to pop up and hit a Whisper in the Wind or whatever the hell it's called (NOT the "Twist of Fate," as JR incorrectly identifies it.) That gets two, and the crowd is really into this. He tries an actual Twist of Fate but is shoved away, but manages to hit an enziguri. Corner charge by Umaga misses, and Jeff goes up for the Swanton. I thought the match would be over here, but it misses.

Umaga hits a Samoan drop. His finisher is reversed into a Twist of Fate, and Hardy dropkicks him out of the ring and dives over the top rope onto him. Hardy goes back in the ring to wait for Umaga to get up, but some ass-ugly bald mongoloid runs in, and… holy shit, is that really Snitsky? And he still has a job? Whoa. Anyway, Snitsky attacks Hardy, and the bell is rung. The match was slow whenever Umaga was on offense, but it had a hot finish.

Post-match, Jeff tries to fight back but basically gets the crap beat out of him by Snitsky and Umaga. Then, in what would have been a nice surprise if I hadn't called it the second Snitsky ran in, Triple H makes an appearance, slugging away on both men and clotheslining them out of the ring. Man, it's weird to see Trips as a babyface. Jeff makes his way back into the ring, and he and Trips share a quick and manly hug of Potential Tag-Teamdom.

Later tonight: Hornswoggle v. Carlito, which is now no-DQ. Later, the Passing of the Torch, but the graphic is interrupted by a few seconds of the SAVE_US screen before we fade to a few…

Moments ago: Trips came to the aid of Jeff Hardy.

Backstage: Jeff and Trips are talking, but there's no audio, so it looks kind of retarded. Jeff leaves, and Todd Grisham shows up and asks Trips why he intervened. Trips starts to say that he's a Good Samaritan and was just helping out his fellow man, and… "Not buying that for a second, are you?" Heh. He says that if you've got two guys like Umaga and Snitsky walking around acting like badasses, he'll be there to remind them who the real badass of the WWE is. He says that he and Hardy have nothing in common… "Kinda like you and I have nothing in common. For example, when I go to a bar in South Beach like you did last night, if I see a transvestite, I go in the other direction." Even if it's Eddie Izzard? On the short list of "People I'd Like to Have a Drink With," he's near the top. Todd sputters as Trips leaves.

Holy shit, Bob Holly still has a job, too? Christ, this company is worse-off than I thought. And I must admit, my heart kind of sank when I saw Cody Rhodes. Generically good-looking young blue-chipper who's the son of a wrestling legend? My god, he's Orton 2.0. Run, Cody, run! You probably don't deserve the hatred I'm going to develop for you.

Holly beats on Rhodes to start, and each of them gets a quick pinfall. Holly beats on him some more, and… you know what? I really don't give a shit, and you probably don't either. The crowd obviously doesn't. I only perk up when JR mentions that Cody went to Georgia State, my alma mater (yes, I've finally graduated. Somebody hire me, please.) Anyway, the match is short and boring, and Cody gets a DDT out of nowhere for the win.

Post-match, Randy Orton shows up and RKOs Cody. When Holly gets up, he's RKO'd as well. Eh, who cares? Orton grabs the mic and gives us another update on his marathon runner, who's just now arriving in Ft. Lauderdale (what is that, 25 miles in less than an hour? Suuuure.) Orton leaves, looking as doofy as ever.

Video package: Survivor Series recap.

Moments ago: Orton continued to be an illiterate tool.

Video package: An Orton tribute video. Sigh.

Backstage: Fit Finlay shows up in Vince's office. Vince tries to nicely tell Finlay he didn't appreciate the interference in the Hornswaggle match last night, and they have a friendly debate about who's more Irish. Guess who wins? Anyway, they agree to go out for drinks later (Vince: "you're buying"), and Finlay says that he'll order Vince a tall glass of warm milk, because that's what an old guy like Vince needs before bed. Then he backs off, all, "I'm just joking!" and Vince fake-laughs and then looks confused to end the segment. I know what they were going for, but that was weird. Then again, I love an accent from Northern Ireland, so I never have a problem hearing Finlay talk.

Elsewhere backstage: Mickie James and Maria are WALKING! Their match is next.

Next week: Ric Flair will be on RAW in North Carolina. Sadly, the video package of his greatest moments does not include either of the times he assaulted me. Dammit.

Melina and Jillian make their entrance first, and Melina goes for the mic, but it's taken from her by Jillian. "Hello Miami!" Hee. She says that they have a very special guest with them tonight -- Grammy award-winner Jon Secada, who's sitting in the front row. Um… that's weird. When I think "wrestling," I do not think "Jon Secada." There's some crazy cognitive dissonance going on here; it just does not compute. Anyway, he's been helping Lillian on her album and sang a duet with her, and Jillian takes the opportunity to insult Lillian's singing abilities.

She says she doesn't understand why Jon is there, because "Nobody in Florida understands that Mexican talk," (hee) but she wants to impress Jon, so she sings a tuneless-yet-hilarious version of Gloria Estefan's "Conga," complete with a really bad shimmy-shake move. She says she can do country, she can rap -- "Word!" (hee again) -- and she can do opera, so she does her best approximation of a high soprano note, and the cameramen show little kids in the audience covering their ears. Heh. She mocks Lillian one more time, and Maria and Mickie make their entrances.

I haven't seen Maria in ages, but I am digging her look with the darker hair -- much more flattering, if you ask me. Melina and Maria start, and… man, does Maria's wrestling need some work. She's trying very hard, but it's kind of spastic. She plays the babyface-in-peril for a minute, and Jillian is tagged in. She goes up top and… holy shit! A 450 splash? Dang, I think I like this girl. Unfortunately for her, though, Maria rolls out of the way and Melina takes the move instead. Mickie gets the hot tag, hitting a ‘rana and a neckbreaker for two.

Jillian and Melina try to tag-team Mickie, but Melina's dragged out of the ring by Maria. Mickie plants a big kiss on Jillian (what a retarded gimmick for a good wrestler) and hits a roundhouse kick for the pin.

Backstage: Carlito is WALKING! And looking pretty sure of himself. His match is next.

I'm sorry, but whoever came up with Hornswaggle's gimmick should be shot. God, poor Carlito. I guess this is what you get when you ask to be released from WWE. Man, they are just gift-wrapping him for TNA, aren't they?

Carlito taunts Hornswaggle to start, and teases doing a test-of-strength before shoving him to the ground. Hornswaggle responds by biting Carlito's ass. Sigh. Horny then uses what seems to be his main offense -- running away -- and hides under the ring. While Carlito's looking for him, Horny re-appears with a bucket of water and douses Carlito with it. He tries diving off the ring apron, but gets caught and tossed back in the ring.

Why, God, did I volunteer to recap this? Carlito gets his apple and prepares to spit in the face of any midget who doesn't want to be cool, but Finlay interrupts, so he gets the apple instead. He decks Carlito, and Hornswaggle gets the pin.

Post-match, Hornswaggle takes a bite of the apple and spits it in Carlito's face. Bleh.

Elsewhere, Orton's marathon runner has arrived at the arena. His retarded ceremony is next.

Next week: Trips and Jeff Hardy v. Umaga and Snitsky.

I sincerely cannot put into words how much I hate Randy Orton, though I've tried my damndest in this recap. This man has no believable gimmick. What is it supposed to be, really? A "great young wrestler who is next in line to be the greatest ever?" Sorry, that's not a gimmick, that's a description of a wrestler. A wrestler who is not Randy Orton. He can't cut a compelling promo, he's duller than a box of rocks, and he's never had a great match that didn't involve an opponent who was far better than he. Sorry, but I'm not buying it. If your gimmick is that you are great, you'd damned well better be great. Triple H in 2000-01? Really was That Damn Good. The "World's Greatest Tag Team"? Really were awesome in the ring. Randy Orton? No. Just… no.

Anyway. Randy grabs the mic: "And then there was none." [sic] He beat Shawn Michaels, Triple H, John Cena, and has "managed to do the impossible": beaten everyone there is to beat. And now it's time for the torch to be passed.

Cut to a camera outside the arena, where the runner looks exhausted (well, not so much that as he looks "constipated"), heading inside the arena. Just as he makes his way in, he's clotheslined by someone who doesn't face the camera but hits a very familiar arms-out pose. The crowd, predictably, goes apeshit with a LOUD "Y2J!" chant.

On the Titan Tron, we get the last SAVE_US promo. It looks all Matrix-y and says, "Did You Break the Code?" More numbers flashing, more "That Answer is the Code" and "The Code is the Answer" and "2nd Coming." Finally, SAVE_US.X29 pops up on the screen. The X changes to a Y and the 9 to a J, and now you've got SAVE_US.Y2J. Nice job on the graphics; that part looked really cool.

And now it's time for the countdown, and lots of pyro, and I'm happy to say that Jericho's music hasn't been changed. I was worried about the shorter hair, but it looks good on him. But… holy shit, what the hell is he wearing?! The vest had had on looked normal and black from the back, but the front is all glittery and sparkly. I hope it's a nod to the ridiculous shirt he wore in his first WWF appearance, because otherwise… uh… yeah.

But anyway, Jericho is here! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sorry, I'm back. He soaks in the cheers for a long time, well as he should. Another big "Y2J!" chant. And then he speaks: "Welcome to RAW IS JERICHOOOOOOOOOO!" Damn, he is jacked to be here.

This is not a mirage, this is all real, and this is the Second Coming of Y2J! Big pop. "You remembered!" he exclaims, and the crowd cheers again. Aw. He says to take out your cell phones, text your friends, take photos, video, send e-mails, whatever, because the Sexy Beast is back. He's gonna run through all of his catchphrases, isn't he? Hey, I'm not complaining; I'm just thrilled to see him on my TV screen. Another huge "Y2J!" chant. He promises to excite, delight, entertain, and all that good stuff.

Orton interrupts: "Who the hell do you think you are? Last time I saw you, you were getting fired on RAW. And it's a good thing, too, because if you'd stayed on RAW, it would have only been a matter of time before I kicked you in the head and ended your career." Wow, that's the worst taunt I think I've ever heard. Did Orton come up with that himself? "I'll kick you in the head"? Dumb. Anyway, he asks why Jericho came back. "What exactly are you saving us from?"

Jericho: "Well, your boring personality, for one." Hee. "How ‘bout saving us from that face of yours that looks like it got flattened by a frying pan?" Okay, not as funny. "Or how about saving us from your [flawless Orton impression here] monotonous Randy Orton voice? Your childbearing hips, your Supercuts hairstyle, and your subscription to Blue Balls magazine! But more important, Randy Orton, I'm here to save us from you. Because the first chance I get, I'm gonna take that WWE Championship from you." Thank GOD. He then manages to work the Crab Nebula (my hero) into a rant about how once he does win the title, nothing will ever, EEEEEEEEEEEEEVER, be the same again. Awesome. Cue his music, and he poses and soaks up cheers to end the show while Orton does what he does best in the ring: take up space.

Finis.