OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
Taker and the Heartbreak Kid: Already Stealing the Show
February 23, 2010

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of Online Onslaught

Hey look, it's me again!

You can thank Pyro for flitting off on vacation for your good fortunes... although I have as many clever and insightful observations about rasslin' as I ever did (it's in my blood, I guess; just like my ability to consume bourbon and play a mean bass guitar), but WWE sure makes it easier than ever to not feel like its worth the extra couple hours a week to type them up.

So as far as recappening goes, I'm almost exclusively a pay-per-view guy these days. I'm like the Hulkster: I only work the BIG towns, brother~! But the little towns need love, too... so it might take Pyro going away, but here I am, making sure the job still gets done.

Enjoy it now, and keep on coming back for more. I think I'm here for at least the next week. Yep, that even means one episode of SmackDown.

But none of that NXT shit. At least, not until we see what it is and decide if its worth any of our time to even watch it, much less give it coverage on OO.

ON WITH THE SHOW~!

Video Package: John Cena won the Elimination Chamber to become WWE Champion. Then Vince showed up and screwed him. Now Batista is the WWE Champion. And The Rick still doesn't recap recaps...

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in Indianapolis, IN. Last night, the PPV was held in a crappy midwestern town that has contributed nothing to society, ever. Strike that, LESS THAN NOTHING, because giving us Randy Orton counts as a negative contribution to society. Tonight, RAW is live from a wholesome midwestern city that has contributed oh-so-much to society, most notably: me. I wound up a Flyer by choice, but I was a Hoosier by birth, baby. There's even a brick somewhere in the late 70s extension wing of Methodist Hospital with my name on it to prove I was birthed there. Or so I've been told; my parents apparently splurged on the $20 to get it, but it's not like I've ever visited to see... anyway, we've no time to waste on my Origin Story, because we've already got stuff starting to happen in the ring.

TWO PROMOS IN ONE (Part 1: The Jerichoening)

Even though it's RAW, here's SD's new World Champion, Chris Jericho to kick off the show... he says he knows he promised never to step foot on this cesspool of a show ever agayn (that's right HE decided; he wasn't banned; nope, nosirree!), but he just couldn't help himself now that he's the World Champ and can come back to rub RAW's nose in it and say he told you so.

So: he tells us so. And then, he tells us, in a super-cheesy and excited voice: "I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA" (and he raises the belt and hits a winning smile, and the camera just so happens to perfectly frame Jericho with the WrestleMania 26 banner hanging in the rafters over his shoulder). The crowd says: BOO.

Jericho is a little extra animated and enthusiastic as he further runs down his resume of ass-kickery, including the fact that he's now beaten the Undertaker twice in a row (that's right, HE beat the Undertaker; Edge and HBK had nothing to do with it; nope, nosirree!), which no man has ever done before. He's the best in the world at what he does, he's the true face of WWE, he's the most valuable performer in the industry, and oh, just in case you forgot: "I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA."

That's right: "I'M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA."

And then, before he can re-repeat himself again and before the boos can reach seismically-dangerous levels, he is interrupted. By Edge's entrance music.

Jericho turns to face the ramp... but no Edge. Then Jericho turns around... and walks right into a nasty spear from Edge, who had entered through the crowd from the opposite side. Jericho quickly rolls out of the ring to seethe, while Edge picks up the mic to declare, in a deliciously simple manner, "That's right, Chris. You're going to WrestleMania. TO FACE ME!" Big pop. Play Edge's music, as Jericho scurries away.

INTERLUDE: We cut to the announce table, where Cole and Lawler welcome us to the show, and marvel at the TOTALLY UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT of Edge vs. Jericho taking place at WM26. They also prattle for a bit, offering vague promises of an action-packed show tonight, but don't give specifics other than mentioning that Jewel is here to be our Guest Host, and she brought her bOObs with her. All THREE of them. The two we all know and love and cannot get enough of. And then the other one, whom she decided to marry, and is not famous as near as I can tell, but who is tagging along with Jewel to ride her coattails tonight. Oh well. Two out of three ain't bad. Especially when the two in question are that phenomenal. Cole and King's banter is then unexpected interrupted by some more entance music...

TWO PROMOS IN ONE (Part 2: The Cenaninining)

Here's John Cena, limping and moving slowly, because as we all know, he had a grueling night last night. He was the last to enter the Chamber, and worked a total of 7 minutes. And then, after that marathon, he had a 30 second match against Batista. It's a wonder he even made it here tonight. Christ. [The "exhausted/debilitated" Cena thing may now play well in video packages where you can't tell the real context, but in real time, for anyone who saw what ACTUALLY HAPPENED at the PPV, this is just insulting.]

Cena says he won the WWE Title last night, and should be here tonight celebrating. But instead, he got added to the list right alongside Bret Hart, and has now been screwed by Vince McMahon. He could stand here and bitch about that, but he knows we don't want that. So he's going to invoke his rematch clause, right here, tonight, and beat Batista and get his Indianapolis Celebration, afterall.

NOT SO FAST~! Here's Vince McMahon to put a damper on things. As part of his dealings with Batista, he decided to promise Batista that he wouldn't have to defend his new title until WrestleMania. Ahhh: more of the "I don't owe you people anything" gimmick from Batista, where he refuses to have full matches, and sometimes even refuses to say words into a microphone if he's not in the mood. Nice.

Furthermore, when Batista DOES finally deign to defend his strap at WM26, it may not be against Cena. Cuz the way Vince sees it, there's ANOTHER champion who also has dibs on a WWE Title rematch. Sheamus lost in the chamber, and also deserves a shot at redemption. How to settle this? Should Cena or Sheamus be the guy to get a main event slot at WM? You know, for a guy who claims to be all about "good business," Vince should be out here practially BEGGING Cena to take the WM title shot... but who cares about logic, continuity, or character development?

Vince starts rambling in his standard and annoying "I'm enamored of the sound of my own voice, and will thus take 12 minutes of TV time to say 2 minutes worth of interesting stuff" way... Cena actually cuts him off, mid-sentence, and tells Vince to shut the hell up. Awww, Jesse Ventura would be so proud. Cena wants Vince to get to the point. So Vince does: Cena will wrestle tonight. If he wins, he goes to WM to headline in a WWE Title match. If Cena loses tonight, Sheamus gets the title shot.

And who will Cena face tonight? I pretty much just assumed it'd be Sheamus, but nope... Cena has to face Batista himself. That's right, in order to get a match against Batista, Cena has to first win a match against Batista. Cena looks miffed about this (another match tonight, after his crippling 7-and-a-half minutes of work last night?!?!?), but Vince looks pleased with himself.

Certainly an eventful/table-setting opening segment, and the fact that they felt the need to squeeze two promos into one segment almost made me feel giddy at the prospects of this being a super-loaded show with so much good stuff planned, they almost didn't have time for it all. We'll see how that pans out. Till then: Play Vince's music as we cut to...

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GAIL KIM vs. MARYSE (For the Vacant Diva Title)

Started off promisingly enough, with good pace and some crowd interest in Gail's flashy babyface offense. Then after about a minute, it got really weird. It looked like a botched spot in the turnbuckle, with Maryse sort of slumping into the corner and being out of position for a Gail moonsault-thingie. Then Maryse started holding her neck/shoulder, and gesturing awkwardly to a seemingly-concerned referee, who then went to Gail and told her to stay down for a bit so he could buy time by applying a double-10-count. Then both girls got up, and nobody seemed hurt, and they did a quick double-reversal spot, leading to Gail attempting her drop-down jaw-jacker (oh dear lord, Cole just declared that move is now called "The Smell of Da Feet"; get it? AHAHAHAHAHAHA~! please make it stop...). But Maryse held onto the ropes, and Gail crashed and burned. Maryse hit her DDT. Match over.

Your Winner, and NEW Diva Champion: Maryse via pinfall in about 2 mintues flat. For as much as they milked it and built this match up (and as good as the first minute was), talk about lame and anticlimactic. And awkward, too, with the weirdness and semi-shootiness in the middle.

Backstage: Jewel's rodeo buckaroo of a husband is chatting up the Bella twins. Dude: WHY? Don't you know how cosmically worthless the Bellas are? And don't you remember who you're married to, the chick with tons of money and even more hotness and twins of her own, to boot? Idiot. Camera pans over, and finds Jewel is right there to one side, making girly talk with Kelly Kelly; so I guess she doesn't care? Jewel is on crutches, which she off-hand mentions is due to an injury caused by riding a mechanical bull. It is at this point that we learn that Jewel and Buckaroo have decided to book a Mechanical Bull Riding Contest for the divas tonight. OMG, so hawt? Kelly and the Bellas seem concerned that they'll be forced to ride a beast that apparently crippled our Grammy-Winning Songstress of a co-host... but that concern is nullifed when Jillian Hall walks in and tries to sing one of Jewel's songs. Jewel politely corrects her, by re-doing it, both on-key and in-tempo. Jillian takes this as a personal affront, and threatens Jewel with (more) bodily harm. Kelly and the Bellas try to break things up, but Jewel says she learned JUST how to deal with this by watching her good friend Sharon Osbourne a few months ago.... she hands one crutch to Kelly, and then slaps the bejeezus out of Jillian. Everybody (but Jillian) leaves the frame, giggling contendedly. Jillian: "Why does everyone keep slapping me? WHAAAAAAA!".

Well, I'll say this about that sketch: I may not own a single album/mp3-download/anything by Jewel, but I'll always have a thing for broads who actually posses the real musical talent to play guitar (seriously: for a decade now, the correct answer to "Britney or XTina?" has been "Jewel"; or possibly, if the jeans are tight that night, "Kelly Clarkson"). Also: her bOObs. Oh, mama...

Elsewhere Backstage: Randy Orton is doing what he does best. Staring blankly out into space, waiting for a shiny object to show up to command his attention. Then Cody Rhodes walks in, instead. Not nearly as interesting as a shiny object, I must say. Cody starts trying to explain himself and his backfire-y interference in the Chamber match last night, but Orton cuts him off... and says "It's OK. It's not your fault." Uh huh. Orton is all nice and stuff as he says he taught Cody and Ted well, but he hasn't been the leader he should be to them for MONTHS now, which is why he asked for a six-man match tonight to prove to everybody that Legacy is on the same page. He just wants Legacy to be what the used to be, and tells Cody to pass that along to Ted. In fact (doing a really shitty job of acting on this), "Tell Ted.... tell Ted... tell Ted I'm sorry." OMG VIPER APOLOGY~! Then Orton walks away. Then Ted DiBiase walks in, and asks how it went, because apparently he couldn't see/hear from 4 feet away, just out of frame. Oy. Cody tells him it went well. Pregnant pause. "Almost... TOO well." Ted doesn't seem interested in Cody's premonition, and just asks "Alright. We still sticking to The Plan, then?". And Cody's all "Yep." And I'm all "This would have worked better 8 months ago when I might have still been able to muster up half-a-shit." And RAW's all, "Let's cut to some...."

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KOFI KINGSTON/EVAN BOURNE/YOSHI TATSU vs. LETHARGY (ORTON/DiBIASE/RHODES)

So, Yoshi's the first ECW free agent to pick RAW, apparently. If Evan Bourne's the company he's gonna be keeping, I don't like his chances; which is too bad, since I really dug him on ECW, and from the sounds of things, so did a surprising number of fans... the babyface entrances also give the announcers a chance to off-hand mention that both Triple H and Sheamus were prevented by doctors from attending RAW and are at home nursing injuries. Huh. Well, the HHH thing is a joke, since he was there and worked a post-taping dark match, but I don't know what's up with Sheamus, but I'll assume that one MIGHT be legit, unless they really do just want us all to forget that they ever made the mistake of putting the belt on him in the first place.

Oh,and how do you know Randy Orton is now a babyface and you should totally cheer for him? Because, for one whole week, he's never once been referred to as "The Viper" or had even one snake-related cliche attached to him by Michael Cole (whereas WWE once had an entire thesaurus of such items on hand to use for Orton matches). Now: he's the "Apex Predator," which is clearly NOT evil. So, just to be a dick, I think OO will now start calling Orton "The Viper" and do the shitty, ham-handed snake stuff. We'll do it non-stop. And we'll do it better than WWE ever did.

Or maybe I'll get bored with it after one paragraph. I dunno...

First segment of the match is sold to us as Cody/Ted trying to impress their serpentine boss, while the reptilian leader appauded and shouted forked-tongued words of support at his minions. Distilling it down, we got a quick "Hey, I'm the new guy" showcase for Yoshi, then Ted took over, Bourne tagged in, and became the face in peril for a few minutes as Lethargy cut the ring in half... the beatdown is on, as we break for...

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Back, and Bourne is still getting his ass handed to him. Takes a sweet-ass bump after a clothesline from DiBiase, but a few moments later lands a big kick on Cody, and is able to make a hot tag to Kofi. All of 30 seconds of a flurry from Kofi before the horse's asp that is Randy Orton uncoiled his arm and tagged into the match to show his unamphibious followers how it is done. Kofi is paralyzed by the viper's venomous attack; if Orton's fangs didn't get his prey, the constriction did. Clearly, there has never been a more potent vermin in the history of WWE! Bask in the glory of this glorious basilisk!

But just as our favorite serpent's object lesson to Lethargy is about to hit its climax, Orton made the mistake of slithering too close to his own corner, and Cody Rhodes decided to tag himself in. Cody thought he'd impress the viper by finishing things off, but instead, the herpitological warrior struck a lightening fast blow to drop Rhodes to his knees. Then the ophidian gladiator yanked Cody by the head, and nailed Rhodes with a hangman DDT. DiBiase dared to take issue with the mighty dragon that is Randy Orton, and got an RKO for his trouble.

The Viper slunk away from the ring, never to be seen again. For tonight, anyway. Thank god. Thesaurus.com was almost out of words.

Meantime, the carcass of Cody Rhodes is legal, DiBiase is out, and Kofi has managed to make a tag to the more able-bodied Yoshi. Brief heat sequence for Yoshi, then a tag to Bourne, who finishes things off with the Air Bourne Shooting Star Press.

Your Winners: Bourne/Kingston/Tatsu via pinfall, in about 8-10 minutes (including a break). And HOLY SHIT~! Forget that this pretty much cements Orton as the babyface in the break-up of Lethargy... the REAL STORY that must be reported and emphasized tonight is this: Evan Bourne = WINNER and Randy Orton = LOSER. Bourne > Randall. Suck on it, Orton, you metrosexual mantard of mighty mediocrity!

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Video Package: after a quick set-up by the announcers, they shoot it to a music video pretty much encapsulating the whole deal between Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker. A touch of last year's awesome match, Michaels breakdown starting when HBK had to accept a "Match of the Year" Slammy for a match he LOST, and everything Shawn tried to do to get Taker to agree to a rematch, climaxing at his interference in last night's Elimination Chamber. WWE's never lost their undeniable Production Savvy, but it's also indisputable that they've lost their touch the past 5 years or so when it comes to getting these music/highlight packages to strike the exact pitch-perfect note. This package is a definite exception to that. Just incredible. Awesome. I'd tell you to make the effort to youtube it, except that I'm sure WWE knows they finally got one right for once, and will be replaying it ad nauseum, so you'll see it eventually if you tune in...

SHAWN MICHAELS' JUSTIFICATION OF HIS UN-JESUS-LIKE ACTIVITIES THEATRE

Shawn enters not so much to the "mixed reaction" that Lawler claimed, but more to a confused quiet. Not silence, but more like respectful applause with an undernote of uncertain murmurring. I guess the package had the desired effect even in the arena...

HBK gets the mic and says he's done some things he's not proud of lately, but he's made his peace with that, and will pay his pennance for it when the time comes. But for now, he can live with it, because he did what he had to do. He knows it won't make him popular with the fans, but he had to do it for himself.

Furthermore, the fans might be here thinking that HBK was foolish for antagonizing the Undertaker, because "every action has a reaction." Well, Michaels says, he's comfortable with that, too, "Because I'm here tonight not just expecting a reaction. I'm COUNTING ON one."

Cue the Undertaker's music, and MAN ALIVE I WILL NEVER QUESTION THIS MAN'S BALLS... cuz he enters, and it's with full flaming pyrotechnics, just 24 hours after getting set on fire, accidentally. "Hey, fire: fuck you," says the Undertaker.

He's also sporting a slightly retro look... no full leather duster/hat like usual. Not even the standard ludicrous caking of eye make-up. It's his "Ministry"-Era look, I think; more of the studded-leather/shoulder-pads/goth-fetish-y look. I wonder if that's for a reason, or if it's just because his other wardrobe, you know, BURNED IN A FIRE LAST NIGHT?

Taker's also sporting some visible burn-areas, where his skin has that shiny and calloused sort of look you get when your skin isn't even ready to blister yet, and it's got some yellow-y balm on it. A bit distracting, but whatever...

Taker: "You wanted my attention. You have it." Then Michaels goes on an emotional ramble about how it was all well and good to know that he provided half of the Match of the Year, and that he stole the show, and that he and Taker made history together... but as time went on, Shawn realized it was more than that: he realized he prepared long and hard, and at WM25, he wrestled the PERFECT ma.... [pause, introspection] ALMOST perfect match. One mistake, and now, he's living with the fact that his greatest contribution to wrestling may be the fact that he lost in the greatest match ever at WrestleMania. He begs Taker to understand that this is eating at him. It's driving him crazy. It's why he's done what he's done.

He's not asking for forgiveness. In fact, he knows Taker is angry at him. He knows Taker would love to take his revenge. And he wants Taker to follow his instincts and do what comes naturally... but he just asks that Taker wait till WrestleMania 26, and take his revenge there. In a match. Against HBK.

Taker: "You're on."

Shawn nods wordlessly. It's half contentment that he got what he wanted, and still half respect that Undertaker was willing to accomodate him. And maybe an extra half of slightly-worried "I just dug my own grave," to boot. Shawn begins to leave the ring.

Taker: "Shawn. You're on. But only on one condition."

Shawn gets back in the ring. And goes nose-to-nose with Taker. "This time, your soul is not enough. This time, you have to put something on the line." What might that be? "Shawn, if you beat me, the Streak is over. But if I beat you? Your career is over. That's it. My streak versus your career."

Shawn: "You don't get it, do you? If I can't beat you at WrestleMania, I DON'T HAVE A CAREER. *You're* on."

They stay face to face for a Staredown of Intensity until a single bell tolls and fades us to black.

Bottom line: if you didn't like the last 15 minutes, you might as well stop being a wrestling fan. The video package set the table, then Shawn and Taker served up a kick-ass meal. I've been luke-warm to the whole idea of Taker/Shawn II. Both guys are at a point in their careers where they should be looking at WM to be a chance to check things off their bucket-list, not re-doing old stuff. And it's not like they have a real chance to top what they did the first time.

And yet, after tonight: they just TOTALLY tricked me into wanting to watch them try. That's how it's done.

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CHRISTIAN vs. CARLITO (Money in the Bank Qualifier)

So, ummm... WWE just announced last week that "Money in the Bank" is now the name of the June PPV, and it was widely expected that meant MitB was off WrestleMania. Now this? Me confusey. Or maybe the uproar caused by the announcement led to WWE recanting already? I dunno...

You tell me these two are fighting, and normally, I'd get excited. Both are pretty awesome. But not tonight. An abbreviated back-and-forth that served solely as a background for NXT Hype: both Christian and Carlito are trainers on the show, so they took time to show pre-taped promos by their respective rookies during the match. Whee? Then Christian won clean with the Killswitch.

Your Winner: Christian, via pinfall, in 2-3 minutes. If only one can get into MitB, Christian the right one. But I continue to feel bad for Carlito, who deserves so much better.

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G-RATED DIVA COWGIRL ACTION

Jewel and Her Buckaroo hit the stage to announce that rodeo stuff is TOTALLY COOL and EVERYBODY SHOULD LOVE RODEO STUFF, including Buckaroo's next rodeo thing in Las Vegas. Awww, that Jewel's a sweetheart: she could promote a new album, but she's already successful enough, so she'll pimp her husband's cute little hobby that nobody cares about. Also: her bOObs.

But enough cross-over marketing, Jewel and Buckaroo know what WWE fans want: divas riding a mechanical bull! Not really, guys, but thanks for trying.

First, Eve rides the bull, at seemingly one-eighth speed. Then Kelly Kelly does the same. Then both Bella Twins hop up and nail the full 8-second ride. By the way, that's how you know WWE is family friendly: sure, they got the divas up there bucking it cowgirl-style, but only for 8 seconds.

Any half-way healthy and able-bodied male should embarassed to finish up any act of naughtiness in 8 seconds, so this clearly can't be related to hardcore fucking in any way. Well: COMPETENT hardcore fucking, anyway. Although, if it were Jewel doing the riding, I'd probably be in such a lather that I'd last all of 27 seconds, which isn't exactly anything to be proud of. But perhaps I've said too much.

Back on TV, our completely innocent, not-at-all-suggestive bull riding contest is interrupted by Big Show and The Miz.

They think this is a shameful display and a waste of time, seeing as how the all-powerful Unified Tag Team Champions aren't booked for the show, and we're sitting here doing a bull riding contest. Preach on, Brother Miz! Show and Miz belittle the contest, and then futher belittle ALL OF RODEO. It's not a sport, and it's so easy anybody could do it.

Really? Well then, says the Buckaroo, why doesn't Big Show get his fat ass up on the mechanical bull and show us. Afterall, if GIRLS can do it, he shouldn't have any trouble. Right? Show finally relents, and gets up on the bull (in the most ineptly slapstick way possible)... and he's bucked off in about 3 seconds. HOW HUMILIATING~!

Jewel and Buckaroo start laying into Big Show with taunts, and then the bull itself starts mocking Big Show. Don't ask me to describe it, but trust me: the Bull apparently has a "mock" setting built in to its software, and they pressed that button, and it was pretty funny.

So Big Show gets up in the bull's face and actually trash talks an inanimate object with great intensity and ferocity before launching a mighty KO punch. The bull actually spins 180 degrees and drops dead, never to move again. HA~!

Big Show celebrates, while Jewel admonishes him: "Oh, come on. All that was was Stuffed Animal Cruelty."

Miz retorts: "No, honey, what that was was another Guest Host Segment ending in massive disappointment. Just like the Indianapolis Colts in the Super Bowl." BOOOOOOOOOOO~~~!!!! Buckaroo re-retorts: "Well, if you're gonna be such a big jerkface, why don't you two head down to the ring, because you might have beat the bull, but last week, you couldn't beat MVP and Mark Henry, so tonight, you have to defend your titles against them." YAY? Play Jewel's music cuz we are outta here...

OK: that was dumb. But it was fricking funny.

Also: Jewel's bOObs.

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SHOWMIZ vs. MVP/MARK HENRY (Unified Tag Title Match)

Match was another big fat nothing, and just background noise. Served as an excuse for backstage footage of Brian "Dan Bryan" Danielson (Meltzer's Wet Dream and Indie Sensation) watching his "mentor" for NXT, The Miz, and also to show footage from the PPV where Show put Henry through the ringside barricade. In the match, it was standard fare, leading up to a spot where Miz got caught and slammed by Henry, but just before, he had tagged Show in without Henry knowing it. So Show stepped in as Henry gloated and KO punched him. Over.

Your Winners and STILL Tag Champs: ShowMiz, via pinfall in about 2-3 minutes. I sincerely think Show vs. the Bull was better and had more sizzle to it.

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Hall of Fame: the next inductee into the HoF Class of 2010 is Wendi Richter. Really? Color me perplexed. Not only because Richter parted ways with WWE in rather unpleasant fashion, but because she, uhhhh, was only famous for 15 months, and kinda sucked. I was thinking it was just an excuse for WWE to get Cyndi Lauper and/or Mr. T to show up for the HoF, but the even announced who'd be inducting Richter, and it's Roddy Piper. Huh.

Video Package: everything that's happened to Bret Hart since his "comeback" in Dayton on January 4. I don't recap recaps. Unless they're actually good, like that Taker/HBK one.

Backstage: Vince McMahon is watching the package on a monitor, and then turns to the camera. He admits he went into business with Batista, because he didn't want to soil his hands with a lowly has-been like Bret, but swears he had nothing to do with the horrible car wreck last week that has left Bret crippled. Vince says Bret has been humilated enough, and so next week, Vince is invited him to show up to get his proper send-off: Vince will even supply the ambulance, wheel chair, hydraulic lift, whatever it takes to get Bret into the middle of the ring. I think we're supposed to smell a rat, and it's supposed to stink of another set-up by Vince... but why am I suddenly struck by the notion that Bret and Cena cooked up the hokey "car accident" thing themselves, and Bret will magically rise from the wheelchair (uninjured) next week to beat the crap out of Vince and get things in place for whatever their WM26 showdown is gonna be?

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Next Week: Cheech and Chong are the guest hosts. I hate goddamned stinking hippies, but I like funny shit, so I don't know which way this will break... I do know that I was stunned to find out that Cheech is really with-it and quick-witted (to the point of being a Celebrity Jeopardy Champion), though Chong really is an addle-brained burn-out, so maybe we'll get kind of a re-do of Osbournes Week, with Cheech as Sharon and Chong as Ozzy?

JOHN CENA vs. BATISTA (WrestleMania Title Shot on the Line)

Well: it's just about 11pm as they cue this one up, so an epic re-match of SummerSlam 2008, it will not be. In fact, it'll be even less than you expect, since they lock up exactly once, then Batista ducks into the ropes for the break, and then as the ref pushes Cena back, Batista blantantly kicks Cena in the balls.

Or rather, "In the gut," if you're an announcer for the new G-rated WWE. Are you shitting me? You can't say "crotch" or "testicles" or "delicate man region" or something? It's "the gut"? Everybody's got 'em. Well, half of us do. You're allowed to call them by name, dammit.

Anyway, it's an instant DQ, and the announcers are also confused, since this means Cena wins and goes on to WrestleMania. If they don't know their gut from their scrotum, I'm not surprised they're confused....

Your Winner: Cena, via DQ, in 30 seconds. Continues the tradition of Batista (1) acting mysteriously, (2) not wanting to wrestle actual full matches, and (3) owing us an explanation but probably not giving it to us straight away. I guess that's OK for now. We got 5 weeks till Mania to get it all sorted out.

After the Match: Batista continued the beatdown on Cena, with a few low-impact chair shots to the back, while Cole practically had a seizure trying to act like this was the most brutal act in the history of felonious assualt. CHRIST, I HATE THIS. This is all due to the G-rated thing, I'm telling you: it's why last night's Chamber matches were mostly safe/"main event style" brawls, instead of genuinely taxing. It's why genitalia are now located in your "gut," too... then again, that's not surprising: I've long since used the analogy of "G-Rated Wrestling is the same as heavily edited Skinemax Soft-Core Porn." You know, the movies where the sex is sanitized to the point that it's usually just a girl grinding on a dude's belly, where the parts don't exactly line-up, if you catch my drift. Unless you've got gut-testicles, that is. It's not hot unless you're 13 and sneaking a peak at something you've never done or even seen done properly. It is, to put it bluntly, useless.

Same thing with G-Rated Wrestling. It's a genre based on GUYS WANTING TO BEAT EACH OTHER UP. You can't make it safe for pre-teens and families without making it absolutely lame to anybody over the age of 16. Especially when you -- as recently as 2 years ago -- were fine presenting your product as a TV-14 show, and we saw what it's supposed to look like. I don't need gross ultra-violence or gratuitous swearing or anything, but I also don't want the intrinsic nature of the product neutered to the point of laughability like this. You gots to be true to yourself and what you really are. You're a TV show based on people settling differences in an anti-social manner: you can't clean that up for family consumption, diptards!

Cuz when you do, you get crap like this, where Cena's balls are in his gut, and a bloodless beatdown highlighted by half-assed chairshots across the flat of the back are over-sold to an insulting degree by announcers who have less and less credibility with your adult viewers with each passing day. Not good.

Show ends with Cena curled up into a ball after an unconvincing 4-minute beating, and Batista on the ramp looking fairly content that this went well. FIN.

There you have it, kids. Some good stuff in there, despite my ranty bitching about the end of the show.

And remember, I'm back on duty for SmackDown this week, too. And RAW again next week, I believe. So why not remind me how much you appreciate my efforts by making a donation to keep OO's bills paid and all that jazz. A few bucks or however generous you can be: it's all good. PayPal is our processor, but all credit cards are accepted... just click here, to donate to the cause. And thanks in advance to all who do!

See you on Friday, folks...

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.