OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

RAW RECAP
So Much Wrestling
April 30, 2013

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

Hey hey, everybody... Pyro's on vacation, so I'm temporarily demoting myself from PPV Duty to cover RAW and SD this week.

Or, I guess you could look at it another way, and say I'm promoting myself from Forums Duty, what with how much verbiage I'm storing there these days.

Either way, I'm here now. I'm back Friday. And you may be seeing even more of me in the future. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, let's get to RAW...

No Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and instead we basically do a cold open of Ricardo Rodriguez and Alberto del Rio walking to the ring. Ricardo is conspicuous by his attire -- which is mid-90s Zubaz finery at its best -- and we are quickly informed by Justin Roberts that this is because it's Ricardo, not Alberto, who is wrestling. And it's a match where the winning side gets to pick the stipulation for the Extreme Rules World Heavyweight Title Match. Interesting...

Ricardo Rodriguez (w/ Alberto) vs. Zeb Colter (w/ Jack Swagger) vs. Big E. Langston (w/ Dolph Ziggler and AJ)

Out of the gate, Colter just excuses himself and stands in a corner. That leaves Ricardo to get his ass kicked by Big E. for a few moments. When Ricardo is able to dodge a charge, Big E. is momentarily stunned, so Ricardo lands a flurry of punches and kicks... but also, Zeb decides it's time to get involved, so he Pearl Harbors Ricardo.

Ricardo gets the better of Zeb, while the enthusiastic Columbus crowd fired up an ambiguous "USA USA" chant. Ohio's been a blue state the past two elections, but I can assure you: there are a lot of loons who'd view Zeb as a babyface around here, too. By the way, Big E. has now had plenty of time to recover, and rejoins the fight. Zeb promptly falls to the mat, claiming a knee injury, leaving Ricardo alone to take another beating.

Ricardo's last ditch effort was to hit Big E. with his handy-dandy spit bucket. Big E. no sold it. Ricardo tried again. This just made Big E. angry. Well, angrier. Sensing things were about to get dangerous, Alberto ran in and hit Langston. No DQ, due to it being Triple Threat (pinfall/submission only) rules. Swagger realizes what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and tackles del Rio. Dolph joins in, and dropkicks Swagger out of the ring. Alberto tosses Swagger. Then Big E. clotheslines Alberto out of the ring, but his momentum takes him out, too (think Foley's old clothesline, but stiffer).

Ricardo and Zeb are the only two in the ring. Zeb's knee heals, as if by magic, and he goes to pin Ricardo. AJ dives on top of the ref to stop the count. In the process, the ref also gets to cop an awfully lengthy feel on AJ. It's good work if you can get it. He eventually shoos AJ out of the ring, and turns around just in time to see Ricardo getting Zeb with a schoolboy roll-up. One, two, and three.

Your Winner: Ricardo Rodriguez, via pinfall, in 5-6 minutes. There was a bit of a disconnect between how fun and fluffy this was in some spots, and how serious the implications were in terms of naming the PPV stipulation, but hey, in the end, it was a crowd pleasing affair to open the show. And now, Alberto will get to name the stip for the PPV match.

Misplaced Introductory Portion: since we rushed straight into a match at the start of the show, we take a moment here to let King, Cole, and JBL welcome us to Columbus, OH, and rundown what a great show we have tonight. The key point here is that John Cena and Ryback were scheduled to take on the Shield in our main event... but John Cena was injured on the European tour, and his status is unknown... FEEL THE DRAMA~! [WWE did change the main events of the final 4 nights of the tour, putting Cena in 6-man matches, instead of singles matches. But Cena did work all the shows, so I think it's safe to assume he'll work tonight, too.]

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WWE Celebrates Worldwide Wish Day: first they have a big video package of Cena's work with Make a Wish. Then Cena brings out three Wish kids and makes them Honorary Superstars For a Day, including letting them show off their wrestling characters. These recaps exist to (a) inform and (b) be snarky. I've already done (a). And I'm not an asshole, so there will be no (b).

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Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes

Old school feeling out to start, then we settled in with Orton mostly in control for the opening minutes. They are minutes mostly dominated by dated moustache-related humor by the announcers. After about 4 minutes, we break for...

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Back, and Cody has gained control during the break. He proceeds to the obligatory mid-match heel beatdown, but is doing it with enough pizzazz that there's a goodly amount of heat for it. Nicely varied offense by Cody ends when he goes up top, and Randall catches him, and delivers a superplex.

Both men down, and the ref applies a double count, signifying the start of End Game. And what an End Game it was. Orton's up first and has a flurry of solid moves, and near fall after a t-bone suplex. Then it was Cody's turn to do the same, except his near fall came on a Disaster Kick (where he was still selling his own injuries, and thus a little slow to make the cover).

Another quick grapple, this time won by Orton, who hits the Hangman DDT. Only a 2 count. But he sets up the RKO... which Cody immediately counters into a CrossRhodes. Only a 2 count. Cody decides to go for another Disaster Kick, but it's not gonna work this time: instead, Orton plucks him out of mid-air with one of his Flying RKOs. That'll get a 3 count.

Your Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall, in 16-18 minutes. Really, really good by the end. Actually, everything after the ad break was really good, and the final few minutes were excellent. Yes, I'm saying this about a Randy Orton match; I've mellowed, people. I still figure the dude is a shithead of a human being and dumb as a box of rocks, but ever since that Christian feud 2 years ago, Orton the Babyface has been more than capable of entertaining in-ring work.

After the Match: Matt Striker decides to interview Orton. Orton, wisely, limits himself to about 5 words. Then Cody tried to attack from behind, so he got another RKO, and Orton was saved from having to speak any further. So how does Randall thank Cody? By dragging his limp carcass to its feet so he can RKO him AGAIN. Because he's a babyface?

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SmackDown Recap: I don't recap recaps.

Naomi (w/ Cameron) vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki)

There's about two moves, then the Bellas pull Twin Magic, and Nikki pins Naomi.

Your Winner: "Brie" Bella, via pinfall, in about 45 seconds. Whee.

After the Match: the ref takes a closer look, and rememberss that the Bellas are no longer -- strictly speaking -- identical twins, and the wrong one scored the pinfall. He reverses the decision. The Bellas get angry and bum rush the Funkadactyls, but as soon as the Funkadactyls gain the upper hand, the Bellas powder out.

I said "Bum rush the Funkadactyls." Mheh heh heh. Sounds like fun. BOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGG!

Your Revised Winner: Naomi, via disqualification, after a 45 second match, and 2 minutes of post-match shenanigans. I repeat: whee.

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These Things Always Come in Threes Theatre

The Shield enter through the crowd, and cut a promo in the center of the ring. It's the same stuff we've heard a thousand times from them, just instead of it being in Cellcamshaky Vision, it's mid-ring and they have Visual Aids up on the TitanTron. Every time they mention a victim, there's either a still or a video of it happening.

Just when this is getting tiresome, 3MB's music hits, and they head to the ring. On the way, Slater accuses them of being a mere cover band, immitating 3MB. McIntyre asks the rhetorical question "Who the hell do you think you are?" And finally Mahal promises to "Rock your faces." Adorable.

Then 3MB get in the ring, and get their asses kicked, post haste.

Then Kane and Daniel Bryan run out to make the "save" (even though it is made quite clear they're just out for revenge for what happened to the Undertaker on SD). The Shield disperses. So Kane and Bryan decide to undo the "save" by beating the shit out of 3MB some more. Everybody wins! Except 3MB. And they don't count.

Backstage: Cena's getting his ankle taped up when Ryback confronts him. Ryback doesn't want to be left to fight the Shield by himself again. Cena says he's hurt, but he's not injured, and that difference means he's competing tonight and Ryback doesn't have to worry. Ryback seems unconvinced, and leaves.

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I Hope WWE Made Millions of Dollars: So Domino's is a sponsor of tonight's show, and for some reason, convinced WWE to do a show-spanning "skit" where Lawler orders pizza online. It begins here. Then, they do a later segment where Jerry is tracking his order online. Then in a third skit, it's revealed that the pizzas were delivered, but the jerks in the front row are all eating it. This is not entertaining. It's not especially convincing (Domino's new slogan "We know are pizza was shitty, so now, forget 30 minutes or less, we'll take longer to make it, and it'll still be pretty shitty"). And yet, it probably added up to 5 minutes of air time.

Dolph Ziggler (w/ AJ and Big E) vs. Kofi Kingston (Non-Title)

World Champ vs. US Champ, here. Opening 2-3 minutes are a fast back and forth frenzy, ending with Kofi taking the requisite sick bump to the outside, which gives us the perfect spot to put some...

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Back, and Ziggler's working a chinlock, having been in control the entire break. Of note: Cole tried refering to Dolph as "Zigglepuff," claiming it was AJ's pet name for him. I instantly knew he was wrong, but at least I'm not one of the thousands of sad sacks who apparently tweeted to correct him (Cole did, in fact, acknowledge the error on air, as a result). Everybody knnows it's Zigglypuff.

Kofi breaks out of the resthold, but Ziggler remains in control for a few minutes. Then Kofi gets his big rally. He's flying all over the place the the high energy, pure white meat babyface that he is (and also: according to Cole, he's extra-energized as he became a first time father over the weekend! Yay for Kofi!). Boom Drop gets a 2 count, but then Dolph counters an SOS with a DDT, and both men are down.

Double count, both men up, and yep, you know the formula: End Game. And it's the second damn fine End Game of the night. Kofi takes control first, hitting another flurry of moves, ending with a Trouble in Paradise. But it's near the ropes, and AJ puts Dolph's leg over the bottom rope for a break. Big E then yanks Dolph out of the ring to give him time to recover. Bad idea: Kofi gets a running start and hits a plancha on the both of them.

Back in the ring, there's another convincing near fall after a Steamboat-style cross body. Concerned that Dolph may be in danger, AJ distracted the ref. This allowed Ziggler to sneak up for a near fall of his own, followed by a few reversals on the mat as they traded additional near falls. Final spot was Ziggler trying to slingshot Kofi into the turnbuckle, but Kofi countered by leaping to the top rope and trying to hit a moonsault-y type move. But Dolph had moved out of the way, and Kofi crashed and burned.

Ziggler hit the Zig Zag, and that was that.

Your Winner: Dolph Ziggler, via pinfall, in about 14-15 minutes. Another really, really good match. It's probably a coin flip as to which one was the best of the night. If you're a purist, the Orton/Rhodes match was more old school and simplistic. If you're a fan of the bells and whistles, this one had more dynamism and chicanery. Also: more AJ in tight pants. I probably lean towards this one, but it's certainly close.

After the Match: Big E was not happy about being plancha'd earlier. And Ziggler was not happy about having been taken to the limit. And AJ just likes to see people get hurt. So they all agreed: Langston pounded on Kofi for a bit, then hit the Big Ending. Then, he hit the Big Ending a second time. Because he's NOT a babyface. Ahem. [And so, my prophecy from yesterday's RAW preview is coming true... this sets up Langston as a challenger to the US Title, which means it won't just be Dolph and AJ as a power couple. All three could be holding gold after the next PPV.]

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Backstage: Ziggler, AJ, and Big E are strolling down the hallway, when they pass Kaitlyn and Natalya. AJ and Kaitlyn have some words about their upcoming Women's Title Match, and then an intern shows up with a gift... AJ just assumes it's from Dolph, for her, but it's actually for Kaitlyn. AJ leaves in a huff, commenting that any man who's attracted to a water buffalo like Kaitlyn clearly has no taste. [Dear Kaitlyn, I have no taste. Love, me.] The gift is a black hat with silver-y thingies on it, which just so happens to be a perfect match for Kaitlyn's bracelet. Awwww, so thoughtful. But Nattie's quick to turn it into gentle mocking: "Kait-lyn has a boy-friend, Kait-lyn has a boy-friend." To which the only response is "Do not!" Followed by "Do too!" And so forth. You now, as long as she's hanging out with a midget and a 7-foot sloth, I'm not sure Nattie's the one who should be teasing about quality of male companionship...

HHH/Lesnar: I don't recap recaps.

Backstage: Ryback storms into the GM office, and demands to know what Vickie Guerrero's gonna do about tonight's main event, because Ryback will NOT be hung out to dry again. Vickie agrees that wouldn't be good, so she gives Ryback TWO partners, both of whom are healthy. Kane and Daniel Bryan. Ryback says "Nope. I've done that match already, and those two cost me the match" and walks out.

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Jack Swagger vs. Zack Ryder

Ryder had a few spots where he looked good, but c'mon, we're all adults here. Let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

Your Winner: Jack Swagger, via submission, in 2-3 minutes. Nothing to see here, but it certainly makes sense to make sure Swagger looks strong heading into the PPV...

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Backstage: Josh Mathews tried to interview Ryback, but Ryback was having none of it. In fact, Ryback power walked to the parking lot and, presumably, left the building. If he HAD gotten to ask Ryback a question, I can only hope Josh is a curious enough soul to have asked, "Uh, dumdum, it was 75 today in Ohio, so why the hell are you wearing a winter jacket and wool cap?" Seriously, Ryback, some kind of geriatric circulatory disorder, or something?

Mark Henry vs. My Patience

So, to prove that he's all big and strong, Mark Henry issued a challenge for a Tug o' War. Not against just one guy. Against two.

So Tensai comes out, and loses. Then Brodus comes out, and loses. So it was two guys, back to back. Not at the same time. Which makes it a lot less impressive, no matter how fat they are.

Then Sheamus comes out and goads Henry into trying to make it three in a row. Henry finally gives in. Sheamus fights the good fight for about 30 seconds, then just lets go of the rope, so Henry falls on his ass. Ha?

Then Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick for good measure. Because Be A Star, yo!

That took me about 35 seconds to type. But in real life, it was 6-7 minutes of bleh. You're welcome.

Backstage: in the GM office, Vickie and Brad Maddox have summoned Kane and Bryan, to tell them that they remain in the main event, but it's now back to a 2-on-3 handicap match, because she's not clearly Cena to compete. This is not a problem for either, they just want to get their hands on the Shield. When they leave, Maddox gives Vickie a look and asks "Does Cena know he's not wrestling?" And Vickie just smirks. And Maddox looks sad, because he knows he'll be the messenger.

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Backstage: Maddox tries, sheepishly, to tell Cena he's got the night off. Cena, quite intensely, begs to differ. Under threat of physical harm, Maddox sees it Cena's way, and leaves.

Alberto del Rio vs. Antonio Cesaro

Standard back and forth to start, with a bit of cat-and-mouse thrown in when Alberto won the first chain-wrestling exchanges. As del Rio's offensive grows stronger and more sustained, Antonio decides to slip out of the ring and take a walk. And we break for...

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Back, and Cesaro has gained control, and is working a headlock. Cesaro continues to keep it slow and restholdy for his heel beatdown. The only thing keeping the crowd as attentive and loud as they are is Ricardo, who is doing yeoman's work, cheerleading outside the ring. After a good 3-4 minutes of matwork, the combination of "Si!" chants and the sing-songy soccer wanker "Ole" thingie inspire Alberto to power out, and start a rally.

Decent end game, with some convincing near falls (after the Elevation Uppercut for Cesaro, and after a stiff-ass seated superkick for Alberto), and back and forths. It all ends with Cesaro thinking he's reach down to pull up a groggy del Rio, only to have his arm trapped, and cinched in a cross-arm breaker. Fin.

Your Winner: Alberto del Rio, via submission, in 15 minutes or so. A little slow to start, but it certainly ramped up nicely for the end. A notch below the previous two contests, but it's still nice to see three essentially PPV-length matches being allowed to develop on a Monday night. Plus, Dolph, Swagger, and now del Rio all come out looking VERY strong tonight, which is good.

After the Match: del Rio decided it was time to announce the stipulation for Extreme Rules. It's gonna be a Ladder Match. I likey. All three are former MitB winners, which they can certainly play up. Plus: Ziggler + Ladder = Goodness.

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Oh, the Humanity

It's Fandango vs. the [redacted] Khali in a dance off. Yeah. The fans determined the winner, and voted for Khali stumblng around with Nattie.

Sadly, they weren't entirely without reason for doing so. The new Fandangirl (the blonde from last week) is the new permanent dancer chick. As such, she finally has a name: she's Summer Rae (same as she was in NXT). She's about as good a dancer as he is. WHich is not a compliment. I mean, she's hot, and she clearly wants us looking up her skirt, which is nice of her. But you can't have a ballroom dancing gimmick performed by two people who can't dance. BRING BACK THE ORIGINAL FANDANGIRL~!

I digress. But I'm also not going into any further detail about this segment. After Khali "won," Fandango attacked him and said his name.

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This week on SD: Dean Ambrose is in singles action again, this time against Kane. Make a note of it.

John Cena/Kane/Daniel Bryan vs. The Shield

Cena enters first. Kane and Bryan together. Then the Shield through the crowd for the second time tonight. And we're off...

Kane -- taking the attack on his brother personally -- starts off by venting his frustrations on Ambrose. But then he weasels out, and Kane has success against Rollins, and then Reigns. Kane, in fact, was so out of control that he was on the verge of being DQ'd. So Cena tagged himself in, and gave Kane a time-out. Kane grudgingly left the ring.

Cena did about 3 moves, then tagged Bryan in. Because Bryan doesn't have a strained achille's tendon. And also: because Bryan's the one of them most qualified to be Ricky Morton...

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Back, and sure enough, DBry's your Face in Peril, and the Shield are doing their standard excellent job of cutting the ring in half, and beating the crap out of the Bebearded One. Cena may be "superman" to us jerky smarts, but it should be noted that tonight, he was more like "superfan." He was completely selling out to the role of cheerleader, getting the crowd to do "YES!" chants and everything.

Finally, with Reigns applying a brutal asskicking, Bryan was able to use his speed to dodge a move, and then make it to his corner before the most-lumbering of the Shield could stop him. Kane's in, and he's the proverbial house afire. It's basically 1-on-3, as Bryan's out, and Cena's decided to stay in his corner (probably to nurse the injury, but it still seemed odd).

Kane starts going berzerk, and is setting Ambrose up for a chokeslam through the announce table (fitting revenge for Taker being triple powerbombed through the same piece of furniture), before the numbers finally catch up to him. A DDT on the floor by AMbrose turns the tide. Match moves back into the ring, where the Shield tries to put Kane away, but Ambrose taunts too long, and eats a chokeslam.

Kane to his corner, Ambrose to his. Two tags.

It's Cena vs. Reigns. Cena hits the wacky tackle. The wacky slam. But the Five Knuckle Shuffle is interrupted by Rollins. Cena goes to hit the FU on Rollins, but his achille's "gives out" and at the exact same moment, Reigns hits him with a wicked spear. Cover, and the Shield wins again.

Your Winners: the Shield, via pinfall, in 15-16 minutes. Another good one. And you gotta love the Shield getting the win; I keep waiting for WWE to screw up this momentum, but each week, it actually builds. Bryan is so good at taking a beating, the Shield is so good at the old school tag tactics, and Kane being in Berzerker Mode was perfect. Really nice match, and it's still only third best of the night.

After the Match: Ryback -- still bundled up like an 8-year-old on a snow day, despite the fact that I was sitting in my living room, a mere 50 miles away, with the windows wide open and wearing shorts -- shows up and stands on the stage to watch as Cena, worriedly, gets his ankle tended to by trainers. We fade to black with Ryback showing a dearth of sympathy.

And so the show ends. While we must acknowledge that there was some unconscienable crap scattered in there, this is also about as satisfying a show as we've gotten all year in terms of overall in-ring wrestling. Four separate matches that would not have been out of place on a PPV.... four. A strong edition of RAW, all told.

It seems the general rule is that WWE gives us one main event, and then one other "anchor" match in any given show. And even then, that's more a rule regarding length, and that doesn't always extend to quality. Tonight, we got double the meaningful matches -- all four in the 15 minute range -- and all four were really good. Two of them were actually outstanding enough that I suggest you get on the youtubes to find them.

You will not be disappointed.

See you again this weekend, kids...

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.