You didn't believe me when I touted the Dayton Flyers last Monday in this very PreRamble... well, in your face!
 
My faith was rewarded, as the Flyers went 2-1 to place 3rd in the Maui Invitational. The hated Jesuits of Gonzaga felt the sting of our blade, and the dispicable Soulless Killing Machines of Cal put up little resistence to the Flyers, all while Jay Bilas was unable to stop singing our praises.
 

No Opening Video/Theme/Etc., and we slam cut to the inside of the arena in Oklahoma City, OK, where CM Punk is on his way to the ring. While he makes his entrance, Cole & The Gang welcome us to the show and remind us of what happened to Punk last week (at the hands of the Shield). And then, Punk is armed and ready with a mic, so let's ride...

OPEN AND SHUT CASE THEATRE

Punk says that he's had this nagging notion all week -- and he hopes it's not true, but he's kinda afraid it is -- that maybe the reason why the Shield did what they did is because of an inconsequential aside comment Punk made about Triple H being uncreative... in fact, he claims it was so inconsequential that he doesn't even remember what he said. And yet, he fears that the Authority are so insecure that they can't help but lash out at any tiny little criticism. Along the way, he manages to drop in a "douchebag" label for HHH, which gets bleeped.

Enter Stephanie McMahon, who phoney-wishes that we all had a great Thanksgiving. Boo, nobody believes you, honey. Moving on, she says Punk doesn't have to worry, because there are no greater advocates of free speech than herself and HHH. In fact, HHH was a co-founder of Degeneration X. So please, don't go casting stones, Punk, because the Authority are without blame in this. They're as confused and upset as Punk at the Shield's actions.

But, as a show of good faith, Steph offers Corporate Sponsored Conflict Resolution. Punk can make his case. With the new Director of Operations, Kane.

Kane hits the stage, in suit and tie, and immediately launches into 30 seconds of corporate doublespeak in which he says his office has carefully considered Punk's claims, and found them without merit, therefore, there is no conflict. Done and done.

Punk respectfully declines, and challenges Kane to get his ass down to the ring, where he can deliver his message in person, like a man. YAY! Kane declines. BOO!

And then the Shield's music hits. Steph gives a tepid and half-assed warning that the Shield had best not attack Punk, and leaves things in the hands of the DOO.

The Shield menace Punk for a bit, and then Kane speaks. He confirms that the Shield will have nothing to do with Punk now, or else they will be sanctioned. But he also declares that, at the TLC PPV, the Shield will get to face Punk in a 3-on-1 Handicap Match. The Shield chuckle and keep circling Punk, while Kane's music plays.

Later Tonight: an App poll will determine whether the winner at TLC will be the Unified Champion, the Undisputed WWE Champion, or the Undisputed World Champion.... and also, Dolph Ziggler vs. Damien Sandow in a Rubber Match that will also determine the #1 Contender to the IC Title.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. DAMIEN SANDOW (IC Title#1 Contendership Match)

IC Champ Big E. Langston is sitting in on guest commentary. As Dolph outquicks Sandow to start, Langston is asked the standard "Who would you rather face?" question, and wastes no time saying he'd rather face Ziggler, as they have a relationship, and were close friends at one time, and he knows he'd get a great fight and a great match out of Dolph.

Then, the match spills outside, and Sandow ceases control by dodging a charge, and sending Ziggler into the steel ringsteps. The advantage is short lived, as Ziggler rallies with a DDT, followed by a Stinger Splash into a Mount-and-Punch. Sandow blocks a Fameasser, whiffs on a neckbreaker, and then falls prey to the Fameasser on the second try.

Ziggler got greedy and went up top.... and Sandow swept a leg out from under him, sending Ziggler to the mat. A quick You're Welcome Slam, and it's over just like that.

Your Winner: Damien Sandow, via pinfall, in 4 minutes. Super short and anticlimactic.... I thought these two would benefit from a non-garbage match, but instead, they got even less time, and the results were quite forgettable. In my face, right? Regardless, even if the match was nothing, the takeaway is still that we get Sandow vs. Langston at the PPV... that's two guys I really like, but I'm not sure how they'll mesh together.

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NATALYA/BELLA TWINS vs. AJ/TAMINA/SUMMER RAE

Tamina and Brie started the match, while AJ amused herself by skipping about ringside, instead of actually participating. The Bellas used a bit of tandem offense to get the better of Tamina, but then Tamina remembered she's Lady Diesel, and need not suffer that happy crappy.

Just like that, Tamina began making mincemeat of Brie. Summer Rae tagged in long enough to pepper in some dance-y, Keibler-esque offense, then tagged Tamina back in for more punishment. Then Summer tagged back in and actually tried to do wrestling moves.

Almost instantly, Brie got the better of it, and tagged Nattie into the match. All of a sudden, AJ perked up, and got on the apron, to demand being tagged in. Summer is able to comply... and AJ walks directly into a Sharpshooter.

A Pier Sixer breaks out, and eventually the Bellas and Summer/Tamina powder out, leaving AJ alone with Natalya. After a quick double-reverse-y, Nattie rolls AJ up.

Your Winners: Natalya/Bellas, via pinfall, in about 5 minutes. So at the PPV, Nattie pins the champ. Then last Monday on RAW, AJ pins Nattie to undo that. Now, tonight, Nattie pins AJ again, so she's a legit threat to the title again? The hell, WWE? There's a difference between treating your audience like they have the attention span of mildly-retarded kittens, and treating them to a complete dearth of forethought and continuity. Match itself was halfway decent, for a 5 minute TV special, but what's the point if it accomplishes nothing, story-wise?

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Welcome Back: Wade Barrett is back, and gets a big re-introduction as "Bad News Barrett." He steps up to a podium, emblazoned with the hashtag "badnews." And proceeds to delcare that he has good news. And bad news. The good news is we're live on Monday Night RAW. The bad news? Is that we're in an arena filled with hillbillies and overweight morons who had to name their city after their state, just so they can remember where they live. Then a "hashtag badnews" chyron slams down on the screen (think the "ASS" chyron that Conan used to use back on NBC). The original "Bad News" Barrett experiment involved zingers that were actually haffway zingy. So now the question is, was that zinger bad just because the Writer Monkeys suck.... or bad because they want his material to be purposefully bad to keep people from cheering for him? Otherwise known as "the Carrottop Gambit."

Backstage: Randy Orton has cornered GM Brad Maddox, and says he has a message to pass along to John Cena. He claims he's more famous, more recognizable, and a better Face of WWE than Cena. Pass it on. Which makes for an absolutely pointless segment that only underscores that nothing Orton has to say will ever be interesting.

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DANIEL BRYAN vs. ERICK ROWAN (w/ Luke Harper)

So much for WWE going overboard (as recently as Friday's SD) to act like Bryan's abduction was a big deal that wouldn't be solved for weeks. Or maybe they just remembered that WWE runs weekly house shows, and it'd be stupid if Bryan was wrestling on them while in the custody of the Wyatts. Again, with the lack of forethought and planning!

As if to underscore the inanity, they run Brya's promo from Friday, where he talked about how Bryan was safely in their custody, and would go from man to monster before the Wyatt's released him. Then, 10 seconds later, Cole said that Bryan was released and found in a parking lot near the arena last Monday. Oww my continuity.

Basic vibe has Bryan sticking and moving. Quick kicks, retreat, and lather, rinse, repeat. Rowan would land isolated power moves, in what you could call Inverted Hope Spots, but Bryan's methodology worked for 3-4 minutes straight.

That finally came to an end when Bryan tried his flying goat dive, but Rowan caught him and slammed him into the ringside barricade. Ouch. Bryan's in a heap, and Rowan starts grooming his beard, so we break for...

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Back, and Rowan's been in control all break. He's working a chinlock. Bryan fires up out of it, and Rowan just slams him and cinches in a reverse bearhug. Bryan elbows out of that, and Rowan flattens him with a clothesline to the back of the neck. Match spills outside, and Bryan eats the ringsteps.

Back inside, and Bryan regains a brief edge when he dodges a charge and drop toe holds Rowan into the turnbuckle... but Rowan re-regains the advantage about 30 seconds later, and slows the pace back down. A couple of face wash boots gets a 2 count, but then Rowan goes right back to a chinlock. Whee.

As Rowan completely dominates, JBL's pet theory is that this is all part of "ongoing therapy" and that Daniel Bryan will eventually give in and become "Daniel Wyatt." Or maybe he was just trying to cover after he accidentally called Bryan "Daniel Wyatt." Ahem.

Bryan finally starts his bona fide comeback by low-bridging Rowan, and hitting the Flying Goat. Back in the ring, he lands the Missile Dropkick, and then the YES! Kicks to chop Rowan down to size. Per usual, Bryan winds up for the Super YES! Kick, but whiffs. Rowan tries to follow-up with a press slam, but Bryan sneaks out the back door, and slides down into a roll-up pinning combo.

Your Winner: Daniel Bryan, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. Not bad at all, although Rowan is still clearly the weak link of the Family, as seen in the lethargic nature of his heel beatdown. WIth time, a heel gains the gravitas to work a beatdown that methodical. Rowan doesn't have that yet. Still: at a very basic level, it told its story, and Bryan's comeback is always tons of fun.

After the Match: the lights went out, and Bray appeared on the screen. He told his boys to stand down, because he wanted to talk to Bryan, one-on-one. He gives Bryan congratulations, and says he underestimated Bryan after seeing him on TV, doting over his little girlyfriend. [Well, Bray, that's your own damned fault for watching something that airs on the E! "Network," dumdum.] But now he's got a better handle on things, and he thinks he understands Bryan. He might even know Bryan better than Bryan knows himself. Bray wants to know how long Bryan can continue to put up with "their" world, how long he can continue to care about that universe, how long he can pretend not to notice that "they" don't want him sullying "their" red carpets. In short, he paints himself and Bryan as kindred souls. Then, Bray goes so far as to suggest that he and Bryan should join forces against the Mainstream and bring it to its knees. Bryan doesn't seem to think that's a good idea, and Bray just vaguely insinuates that's not the wisest choice before we get the single-frame sheep mask and cut to black.

One sort of wonders if this wouldn't have played a thousand times better if Bray's "one-on-one" had been done face-to-face... but then one realizes that Bray's monologue needed to be pitch perfect, and that it was probably better served as a pre-taped that could be done and re-done until he nailed it. It worked.

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Backstage: Daniel Bryan is WALKING~! and bumps into Kane. Kane says their days as tag partners are long over, and now Kane is his boss. To that end, Kane says Bryan should have the same chance at the TLC PPV as his buddy Punk. Ergo: Bryan vs. the entire Wyatt Family in a handicap match.

EGGSAVIER WOODS/R-TRUTH vs. THE DANCING FAT MEN (w/ the Funkadactyls)

The Funkadactyls are back with Tons o' Funk this week, which at least means Woods and his giant afro don't get in the way of Ass Voltron. Thank Odin.

We pick up where we left off, with Brodus vaguely heelish as he beats on Woods for "stealing" his ring entrance last week. Woods takes his beatdown, then Truth tags in, and takes one of his own. When Woods tags back in, it's an allegedly hot tag. But more room temperature. Woods' fancy flippy clothesline is met with nothing. But he manages to dodge Brodus' second rope splash, and hits the sloppiest looking roll-up ever for the upset.

Your Winners: Eggsavier Woods/R-Truth, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Yeah, so that happened. Pretend to care. If it helps, after the match, Brodus lightly scolded Tensai for not being there to help at the end. And Tensai didn't seem to care much for his tone. It didn't come to anything. Yet. But something to keep an eye on, going forward.

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SIN CARA vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO

For the first time in his WWE career, Sin Cara's actually been healthy for the past 4 months or so straight, WWE's just been holding him off TV, cuz they don't have any ideas for him.

I guess "random match against another Mexican" counts as "an idea." Actually, del Rio gives it a little oomph by reminding us that he's Mexico's greatest export, and Sin Cara is nothing compared to him. That may be true, but Sin Cara still gets his obnoxious glue and gold special lighting. Oy.

Sin Cara foils Alberto with speed and high flying to start, leading up to a big no hands plancha. As he follows del Rio back into the ring, he eats a boot to the head, and thus begins Alberto's heel beatdown.

A suitable heelish punchy-stompy offensive continues for a few minutes. Flashy rally by Sin Cara, which del Rio snuffs out with a German Suplex and then by just smashing Sin Cara's face into the mat, repeatedly.

Then, Alberto goes for his run-up enzuigiri... and Sin Cara ducks. Alberto crashes to the mat, and Sin Cara immediately follows up with a Swanton Bomb.

Your Winner: Sin Cara, via pinfall, in about 6 minutes. Huh, put your hand up if you saw that coming. LIAR! Nobody saw that coming. Perfectly good match, albeit one we've seen about eleventy billion times before. Only time will tell if this is the time when Sin Cara latches on and actually stays healthy long enough to finally be something.

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Backstage: Renee Young has got an interview with John Cena, and wants to know what he thinks of title unification and his opponent Randy Orton. Cena launches into a tirade about how there have been 2 titles for decades, and how the South thought Ric Flair was the man, and the North thought Hogan was the man, but now, once he and Orton have their match at TLC, 50 years of arguments will be over, and there will be only one. Renee, usually a weekly winner of many OO Gold Stars, does not ask Cena the obvious follow-up question, which would involve her fellow Canuck and first holder of the Unified Title, Chris Jericho. So Cena's half-true version of the story is allowed to stand. Boo.

Elsewhere Backstage: the Shield are standing by, getting ready for the next match, in which they face Goldust/Cody/Big Show. Predictably, they think they will win. Believe, and so forth.

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GOLDUST/CODY RHODES/BIG SHOW vs. THE SHIELD

Ambrose starts against Big Show, and foolishly tries to chain wrestle a giant. Normal human arms can't reach around a giant torso, so this goes badly. Show even proceeds to lift up Ambrose's shirt for a series of SHHHHHH! Chops. Always a classic.

Ambrose gets separation, and tags in Rollins. Rollins' idea is to fire off low kicks at Big Show's knees, which only half works, so Rollins runs away and tags in Reigns. Crowd perks up for the slobberknocker potential, and pops huge when Show rips off Reigns' vest for more SHHHHH! Chops. Reigns has to tag out, and in comes Ambrose.

Show drags Ambrose over to the babyface corner, and shows some mercy: after 6 minutes of non-stop beatdown, he tags out to Goldust. Goldust and Cody cut the ring in half, and continue to beatdown on Rollins. The format is definitely not the standard here as we reach the 8 minute mark with ZERO offense for the heels.

It's fully 10 minutes in when Rollins backs Cody into the Sheild's corner, and makes a tag to Ambrose. After a quick flurry by Cody, as he fights off all three members of the Shield, Ambrose shoulder tackles Cody into the corner and takes over. And as if on cue, we take a break for....

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Back, and Cody's in full-on Face in Peril mode. Rollins is currently legal, but we're told all three members of the Shield have been working Cody's left arm and shoulder for the past 3 minutes. Frequent tags allow all three to continue working same said left arm, including Reigns countering a Disaster Kick MANFULLY~! (by just punching Cody in the left shoulder when he bounded off the ropes).

Cody gets separation by hitting a double springboard dropkick on Ambrose and Rollins. Hot tag to Big Show, with a corresponding tag to Reigns... but Big Show only gets 15 seconds of en-feugo-ness, when Rollins low-bridges him while the ref is distracted. Gues that wasn't the Hot Tag, afterall?

Show drags himself back into the ring, where he's met by a fully-freshened Roman Reigns. Reigns chops him down to size, then tags in Rollins for an aerial assault. Nothing gets more than a 2 count. Ambrose in for a bit, then back to Reigns. More concerted heel beatdown, as the Shield do that voodoo that they do so well.

Show gets separation on Ambrose with a back suplex. Ambrose tags in Reigns, who gets a running start, but eats a chockslam. Both men down... both men make tags. Goldust in on the hot tag, Rollins in on the corresponding move.

Goldust is on fire, taking out anything that moves, culminating in an impressive hurricanrana on Rollins. Yes, you read that right: LuchaDust is here!!! Ambrose has to break up the pinfall, and it turns into a Pier Sixer. Reigns takes out Show with a Spear outside the ring, Cody takes out Reigns with a plancha.

In the ring, Goldust dropped Ambrose with the Final Cut. Rollins tried to catch Goldust by going up top, but Goldust knocked one leg out, crotching Rollins on the top. Then, Goldust was hit by Inspirado! He decides to superplex Rollins onto Ambrose! Awesome!

Alas, Ambrose sees it coming, and rolls out of the way. Goldust hits the superplex on Rollins, but then Ambrose rolls him up from behind for the cheap win.

Your Winners: the Shield, via pinfall, in 23 minutes. Very, very good stuff. But what do you expect out of these three? They even continue to find ways to avoid pure formula, including the early babyface beatdown (which was particularly red hot for Show's portion) and using Big Show in the Ricky Morton role. Then, that final spot was just really, really neat. Right there on the cusp of youtube-worthy-ness.

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Backstage: Renee Young has CM Punk for an interview, and wants to know how he feels about a 1-on-3 handicap match at TLC. Punk feigns joy, even busting out a bit of "I Feel Pretty," before admitting he's not so happy. He knows he's going down... the only question is, how many of the Shield will go down with him? Zing?

A Second Helping: "Bad News" Barrett has more eponymous news for us... because after celebrating Thanksgiving, Americans are now suffering from clogged arteries and other maladies related to over-eating. Nah, not really, Wade: we pretty much shittily year-round. Try again. Unless this really is "purposely awful material to keep fans from cheering," in which case, mission accomplished.

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KOFI KINGSTON/MIZ vs. RYBACK/CURTIS AXEL

So.... Kofi and Miz are friends again, because they realize they both just let the heat of competition get to them, so no hard feelings. Uhhh, even though Miz is the only one who acted heelish? Whatever.... it turns out that the truth is the Writer Monkeys turned Miz heel without realizing he had that stupid ABC Family movie that came out week. And nobody higher up the food chain caught it until after the fact.

So they're undoing Miz's heel turn. For now. Weak.

Smooth teamwork underscores Miz and Kofi's newfound (refound?) friendship. They dominate the early moments against Axel. Then Ryback tags in and takes over. Also: he gets "Goldberg" chants. Crowd seems as disinterested as humanly possible as Miz gets his ass handed to him. Probably because they, like OO, don't see any reason why Miz isn't a heel right now.

Tag to Kofi perks 'em up a bit, but since he's in against Ryback, he quickly gets flattened by a Meathook. And then the Shellshock. Worst hot tag ever.

Your Winners: Ryback and Axel, via pinfall, in 5 minutes. Announcers make a big deal over the win, hyping them as possible tag title contenders. Hmmmm, not a bad idea. WWE could use another heel tag team, and the magic Goldust and Cody are working lately means they could probably have really good matches with anyone. Even Ryback.

After the Match: Miz has words with Kofi. Because they're totally just both such competitive guys. But the guy who has a Christmas movie out is totally not any worse than the other one! TOTALLY! Because Michael Cole says so.

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MARK HENRY vs. FANDANGO (w/ Summer Rae)

We're all adults here. So let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

Your Winner: Mark Henry, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Henry had a little fun wooing Summer with some dance moves, earning some "SEX SHUL CHOCK LAT" chants. But otherwise, you don't need to see this to know exactly how it goes.

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THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS vs. THE REAL AMERICANS (w/ Zeb Colter)

Yep. A match based on vomit. Complete with 2 minute video package to make sure those who skip SmackDown are up to speed on the vomit. But fret not! According to crack journalist Michael Cole, TItus has been eating nothing but saltines and ginger ale all day today.

Cesaro and Swagger purposely target Titus for his puke-centric antics, and he's your Insta-Morton. After several minutes, Cesaro sets up for the Giant Swing, but Swagger and Colter tell him to stop, so Cesaro gives up after 8 and bickers with Colter.

Titus feigns nausea, then makes a tag to Darren Young. Young reels off a few moves, but is cut off cold by an Elevation Uppercut to end all Elevation Uppercuts. Wicked.

Your Winners: the Real Americans, via pinfall, in 6 minutes. Pretty much straight formula, with Titus' vomit takes tossed in for "comedic" effect. Let's just say that what enhances a Santino match isn't always going to enhance the match of the 6'9" 300lb man. Still, given the current trajectory of the tag division, at least the right team won.

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Poll Results: after TLC, fans want the new champ to be called "The Unified Champion," by a slim margin over Undisputed WWE Champ and Undisputed World Champ... it's 38% to 31% to 31%. I'd have voted "Unified" if I voted, and I'm glad "World Champ" got so much love, too.

A CONTRACT SIGNING LIKE ANY OTHER

Now that we know what the winner is going to be called, let's sign the contract.

HHH and Steph enter first, and once again underscore that there will be one clear-cut winner and one clear-cut Unified Champ after TLC. No screwjies, no shenanigans, regardless of how 3 PPVs in a row ended. Honest Injun! [OO still says "I'll believe it when I see it," because unifying the titles at an off-month PPV during WWE's winter doldrums, after only 3 weeks hype, just doesn't make as much sense as milking it. If not till WrestleMania, at least till January's Rumble, when you can repirse 1993, where the winner wins the undisputed title, and it's not just the boring ass recycled Cena/Orton match.... it's 30 guys with a shot! Which would actually be fun, you know?, like 1993.]

But I digress.

Then Orton enters.

Then Cena enters.

HHH briefly recaps the history and lineage of each title. Cutely, after HHH runs down the former champs of each title, Steph chims in that HHH also held that title.

Then HHH makes a declaration that undoes my little Royal Rumble idea. He reveals he's been thinking about Unification now for a long time, but only pulled the trigger now because it's the first time in a long time where both titles were held by bankable "Face of the WWE"-worthy superstars. Subtext: the days when "anything can happen in WWE' are over (if they ever really existed), and now "only the highly predictable and safe can happen in WWE." What I call a "boring ass recycled match," HHH calls the only match deserving of crowning a champion. In-character or shoot, it's something that'll annoy the hell out of many fans. Including this one.

The Authority turn it over to Cena and Orton.

They each sign the contract. Then, they take turns offering comments.

Orton tries a few stabs at basic heelishness, but Cena cuts him off at every turn, and eventually launches into a tirade about how the only "nightmare" Orton's causing these days is in HHH. Because 10 years ago, HHH handpicked Orton as his goldenboy, and ever since, the dirtbag in the jean shorts and t-shirt has always been one-step ahead of Orton, in the ring, with the fans, and in every other way you can imagine. Orton just hasn't paid off, yet.

Orton can brag about his accomplishments, but deep down, he knows those things were handed to him. Be honest with yourself, Randy. Think about it. You know it's true. Then, Cena back pedals by saying, "Then again, you could think in one hand and crap in the other, and I think we all know which will fill up first. "HA!!

This gets under Randall's skin, and you can tell he's getting itchy. So Cena says, "If you got a problem, then let's go ahead and give all these people a preview of TLC," as he gestured (Broadly) to the ring full of Tables, Ladders, and Chairs (as set dressing, but they're still functional).

Sure enough, Randy decides to upset the Contract Signing Table. Cena takes it as an invitation for Fisticuffsmanship. Orton joins in. Chairs and ladders get involved, and Orton teases a spot through the announce table. But the brawl spills back inside the ring. Back and forthy, using the furniture, and then Cena hits a lightning quick reversal of an RKO and turns it into an F-U through the very table that Orton had set up moments before.

Show fades to black as Cena celebrates with both title belts.