Special Slammy-themed introductory hype video, complete with a "featuring appearances by" roll call like other awards shows, which makes me go schizo, since half of me thinks it's cool since real awards shows do it, but the other half remembers it's still pretty lame and cheesy when other awards shows do it... and then we're live inside the Key Arena in Seattle, WA, where Cole and JBL welcome us to the show. Lawler is absent, as he is Slammy co-host with Booker T, and will be presiding over those portions of the show. Meantime, we're kicking things off with a match?

Works for me.

DANIEL BRYAN vs. FANDANGO (w/ Summer Rae)

Bryan gets an extra special big pop, as he's the semi-hometown boy, hailing from Aberdeen, WA (also known for giving us Kurt Cobain). He also gets a major talking-up from Cole and JBL, as he's up for Wrestler of the Year later tonight. Meantime, Fandango has Summer Rae, who is fun to look at, so he's got that going for him.

It's 100% all Bryan for the first 3-4 minutes, and the crowd's loving it. I was getting all in the mood to bust out "We're all adults here, let's not pretend this was something it wasn't." But then Bryan went for a Missile Dropkick, and Fandango caught him in mid-air and turned it into a powerbomb. Reversal of fortune~! And also, a spot for some...

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Back, and we join Bryan's fire up in progress. YES! Kicks. The wind-up Super YES! Kick hits for once. Divebomb headbutt. Running knee strike (which still isn't named the Aberdeen Facebuster, but should be). Fin.

Your Winner: Daniel Bryan, via pinfall, in 9 minutes. Presentationally, it really was a straight up squash for Bryan. Fandango's offense may have been one-third of the match, but it was the one-third spent on commercials. If WWE's priming the audience for Bryan winning Wrestler of the Year, I'm all for it.

After the Match: the Wyatts appear on the Titantron. Bray says he has no desire to inflict pain on Daniel Bryan, but his patience is also wearing thin. He re-extends his offer to have Bryan join the Wyatts before Sunday, to make Bryan into the monster he can be. "Join us." When the lights come back up, Bryan leads the crowd in a ginormous "NO!" chant.

The Slammys Beginulate: Lawler and Booker T hit the podium, and welcome us to the Slammys, proper. They introduce our first presenters, the New Age Outlaws (in ludicrous neon tuxedos, and getting a huge "One More Match" chant), presenting the nominees for the "LOL" Moment of the Year. The winner after these....

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And the Winner is: The Rock wins the Slammy for funniest moment of the year for his 2013 Rock Concert (where he serenaded Vickie Guerrero with a customized version of "Wonderful Tonight"). It actually was the funniest of the options they offered, but it presents a problem when Rocky can't be bothered to show up... so instead, Vickie Guerrero comes out and "owns the moment" by accepting the award.

SANTINO MARELLA vs. DAMIEN SANDOW

Big E. Langston is sitting in on commentary, as Sandow is now the #1 Contender to his IC Title. Sandow pretty much goes straight into midmatch heel beatdown mode, while Langston says he welcomes a strong challenge.

Santino hits exactly one offensive move (a hip toss), busts out the Cobra, Sandow sweeps the leg, then hits the You're Welcome.

Your Winner: Damien Sandow, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Now THAT was an unequivocal squash, no further commentary necessary.

The Shield in Tuxedos: Ambrose, Rollins, and Reigns are dressed to the nines, and present the nominees for Doublecross of the Year. Winner after these....

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And the Winner is: Shawn Michaels wins Doublecross of the Year for superkicking Daniel Bryan and costing him the WWE Title. HBK feigns being upset... not because he's upset at what he did, but because he's been doublecrossing people for 25 years, and only NOW, 4 years after he retired, does he win. He laughs off a "you sold out" chant, and leaves in semi-goofy/semi-smug fashion. Probably the exact right note for Michaels to hit, all things considered.

KOFI KINGSTON vs. MIZ

So now the story is that this is a "nice little rivalry" built on mutual respect, as the two have brought the best out of each other as they've traded wins.

When Kofi comes out of the gates all intense and en feugo, you almost thing they're going to flip the script and call him the heel. But then Miz bails out, and pulls the massive chickenshit move of trying to get counted out on purpose. Kofi tracks him down, and lures him back to the ring, and almost immediately Kofi whiffs on a Trouble in Paradise, and Miz rolls him up with a handful of tights.

Your Winner: Miz, via pinfall, in about 4 minutes. Now that Miz's Christmas movie has come and gone, it's clear we're back to Miz-as-heel. Which is good. No matter how stupid it is that we even had to press the pause button to begin with.

After the Match: Kofi hit the Trouble in Paradise to a huge pop, and Miz sold it like he was dead. Yay!

And the Slammy for Worst Nomination Goes To: Eve Torres returns to introduce the nominees for Diva of the Year. For some completely unfathomable and indefensible reason, the red-headed one from That Which OO Doesn't Acknowledge is nominated. Seriously, the person responsible for that nomination would instantly make the world a better and more sensible place by jumping off the nearest 10 story building. The winner after these.....

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And the Winner is: the Bellas are named Diva(s) of the Year, and get a huge boo from a crowd that obviously expected AJ to win, as any sane human being would. Brie and Nikki try to suck up to Seattle, but it's not working, and so the sound guy just plays them off before they can embarrass themselves any more. If this is really a "shoot" result, then it's also officially the end of the notion that the "Internet Wrestling Community" is a thing and that it has better taste than the average bear. Now, pretty much everybody is on the internet, and 90% of all people are morons, ergo, 90% of people on the internet are morons, too. Deal with it. Then call Ryback, and get him to deal with it.

Speak of the devil....

GOLDUST/CODY RHODES/BIG SHOW/REY MYSTERIO vs. THE REAL AMERICANS/ RYBAXEL (w/ Zeb Colter)

Yes, Ryback and Curtis Axel are officially "Rybaxel" (which sounds more like a prescription medication than a tag team).

We only get the opening riff of the match before a commercial break. But that riff includes Big Show hitting SHHHHHH! Chops on anything that moves, which is fun.

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Back, and the heels have gained control, and Cesaro is working over Mysterio. However, it's only 30 seconds or so before Rey fires up and gets a tag to Goldust. Goldust hits a series of moves, but when he goes for the turnbuckle mount-and-punch on Swagger, Cesaro gets involved and causes a distraction. Goldust is now your Face in Peril.

After a few minutes, Goldust starts his fire up on Cesaro. Cesaro tags in Swagger, and together, they try to block Goldust from his corner, but instead eat a double DDT. Hot tag to Cody, corresponding tag to Axel. Flurry of moves, including a convincing near fall after a springboard issile dropkick. Another after the moonsault.

Pier 8 brawl breaks out, and the good guys win when Big Show spears everything that moves, leaving Axel to eat a CrossRhodes, then a (619) and a dime drop after Rey tags in.

Your Winners: Rey, Show, Rhodes Boys, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. Shorter and more straight-forward than any of the recent Rhodes matches that I can remember, and thus, lacking a certain luster. Still, plenty good.

It Seems a Little Early For This One: it's time for the Wrestler of the Year award, and Shawn Michaels is still toeing that line between goofball and cocky smug bastard as he suggests renaming it after himself. Crowd is about 3 steps ahead of him, and chanting YES! YES! YES!. But we still have to go through the motions, and HBK introduces the nominees. Winner after these....

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And the Winner is: Daniel Bryan is the 2013 Slammy Award Winner for Wrestler of the Year. Michaels is clearly uncomfortable as he hands the Slammy over, then steps aside. Bryan accepts the "H-B-Shizzle Award" and says Shawn is responsible for him being in WWE. And Shawn is also responsible for him NOT being WWE Champ. But he forgives Shawn, because the Authority got what they wanted, and if Shawn didn't do it, somebody else would have. So the only thing Bryan can do is promise that -- no matter how good 2013 was -- 2014 will be even better. YES! YES! YES!

Huh. Kind of early in the show to be giving out the biggest award, isn't it? And as decisive as Bryan victory was, I was kinda expecting more of something between him and Michaels....

SIN CARA vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO

So, last week, I thought Sin Cara's giant new shoulder tattoo seemed a bit... odd. And by Wednesday afternoon, the news was out: this is not the original Sin Cara (a/k/a Mistico). It's the artist formerly known as Hunico (who was actually the previous Fake Sin Cara, too), and he'll be under the mask going forward, apparently.

Mistico's WWE contract expires in January (or rather, WWE has an "out" in January, if they don't roll the contract over), and it seems they've had about enough of his botchy/injury-prone ways, but are still impressed with how much merchandise the character sells. So they'll let Hunico have it, and the "reboot" included last week's win over Alberto, and tonight's rematch.

Sin Cara gets off to a hot start, picking up where he left off last week. In fact, he gets Alberto in position for the Swanton Bomb. But Alberto rolls out of the way at the last second, and Sin Cara has to abort. Meantime, the pause in the action is a perfect spot for...

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Back, and Alberto's in command. During the break, he countered a superplex attempt to take over, and started a nominal focus on Sin Cara's ribs.

Sin Cara gets back in the game at the 8 minute mark, with a tornado DDT, followed by a few more flashy moves. Crowd doesn't quite seem into it, and I can't tell if it's just because they are assholes, or if there's some pushback to the "fake" Sin Cara. I might lean towards the latter (even JBL seems to be getting in as many veiled jabs as the new guy as he can), except for the fact that Alberto gets some "Si! Si! Si!" chants when he gestures (Broadly) for the cross armbreaker.

Then, it was time for Sin Cara to counter a superplex, and he does so by turning it into a flip powerbomb on del Rio. He follows up with the Swanton, and that's that.

Your Winner: Sin Cara, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. Hunico definitely does a better job at working within the "WWE Style," but he also had his fair share of botchiness this week after a clean opening match last week. At the very least, you should be expected to hit your finisher, and he only landed a grazing shot. Oh well... I'm still game to let this play out if WWE's really gonna give the character a fresh push.

Another One: the Prime Time Players are here to present the Crowd Participation Award. They manage to sneak themselves in as an Honorable Mention (for "Millions of Dollars"), then present the actual nominees. Winner after these....

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And the Winner is: Daniel Bryan's "YES!" chants are the Crowd Participation Moment of the year, and deservingly so. Bryan's at a loss for what to say, since it's not HIS award, it's THEIRS. So he'll just say the obvious, and people can join in if they want. YES! YES! YES!

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EGGSAVIER WOODS (w/ R-Truth) vs. BRODUS CLAY (w/ Tensai and the Funkadactyls)

So the bell rings, Woods lands about one punch, Brodus slams him, Brodus hits the second rope splash.

Your Winner: Brodus Clay, via pinfall, in 25 seconds, tops.

After the Match: Brodus kept beating the crap out of Woods until Tensai finally pulled him off. The trashtalk continued, though, as Brodus made sure the rookie knew that Brodus was a "main event guy." Remember, Brodus, it's not a lie, as long as you believe it. [/costanza]

Slammy #6: The Miz is out to introduce the nominees for Insult of the Year. And he's even tolerably succinct and non-douchey, since he's still selling the Trouble in Paradise from earlier. Winner after these....

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And the Winner is: Stephanie McMahon wins the award for Insult of the Year for the time she made Big Show cry. Which time? Don't ask me, she only did it about eleventeen times. Instead, I'll just register my disappointment in this choice, as it's another horrible one. But I guess some people just really enjoy ham-handed melodrama when there's spontaneous, relevant zingery on the same ballot (AJ's Lady Pipebomb).

CM PUNK vs. DEAN AMBROSE (w/ Rollins and Reigns)

I would have expected them to do the conventional thing of running Punk through all members of the Shield in singles action before the 3-on-1 at the PPV, but instead, this is a straight rematch from Friday.... only thing I can figure is that they present it as Ambrose wanting to hog all the glory for himself, even though nothing on tonight's show points to that (on Friday, the did a specific pre-match promo where Ambrose "took" the match despite Reigns wanting it). But they could still go there within the match itself....

ANd, in fact, they do go there, as Ambrose finds himself on the short end of the chain wrestling stick, and Rollins and Reigns (harmlessly, in jokey fashion) toss out a few "How ya doin', there, champ?" lines. This forces Ambrose, still not quite pissed off, but clearly trying to save face, to gasp out a few "Don't worry, I got it" type comments, even as he is locked in various chinlocks and armbars. Nothing truly hostile, but it's nice that they worked it in as subtext.

Then, the match changes on a dime when Punk goes for a reverse crossbody, and Ambrose catches him and turns it into a gutbuster. We are reminded that those are the same ribs that Punk hurt two weeks ago in the initial Shield attack. Punk tends to his re-injured ribs, Ambrose regroups, and we break for....

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Back, and Ambrose is working a body scissors, still working the injured ribs. With the crowd urging him on, Punk's able to power out and hit a back suplex. A quick bit of YAY/BOO punch trading ends in Punk's favor. A dropkick. A DDT. The Macho Man Elbow. The damage to Punk's own ribs means he's slow to make a cover, so Ambrose kicks out at 2.

Punk gestures (Broadly) that's it's time for Ambrose to take a nap, but Ambrose punches Punk in the ribs to break that up. Ambrose has designs on a superplex, but Punk shoves him off and follows up with a crossbody. But Ambrose rolls through and gets a convincing near fall. Ambrose tries to follow up, but eats a high roundhouse kick. Punk gets a 2, and when he tries to follow up with a GTS, Ambrose again goes for the ribs, and shoves Punk out of the ring.

Rollins and Reigns head over to that side of the ring to see if there's anything they can do to help, and Ambrose suddenly flips out, and gets in both their faces, telling them that HE has this. Rollins and Reigns are incredulous. And this time, nobody's laughing or half-joking. Ambrose means it, and the other two think he's being stupid. But Ambrose tosses Punk back into the ring, and Rollins and Reigns head up the ramp to let Ambrose handle it.

About 20 seconds later, Ambrose eats the GTS, and it's over.

Your Winner: CM Punk, via pinfall, in about 14 minutes. Probably just about on par with their match from Friday. With the added element of the Shield Friction, to boot. Which was kind of cool, even if it's not technically OMG WORKRATE~!

After the Match: Rollins and Reigns look at each other, and head back to the ring. What do they have in mind? Nothing complicated. Reigns spears the bejeezus out of Punk, and the Shield are still on the same page. For now.

Time to Get Extreme: Mick Foley is here to present the nominees for the Extreme Moment of the Year. But not before he works in a cheap pop, right there, in Seattle, WA! Winner after these....

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And the Winner is: CM Punk's ultimate Cell-top vengeance on Paul Heyman wins Extreme Moment of the Year. Punk, still nursing his ribs, comes out and musters up some good cheer. He apologizes for the faux pas of accepting an award without wearing any pants, tosses a backhanded compliment at Heyman (for being such a fantastic target), and tells us he has more of where that came from saved up for the Shield on Sunday.

THE USOS vs. THE WYATT FAMILY (w/ Bray Wyatt)

Quick back and forth exchange, then the Usos hit the stereo suicide dives. They celebrate while the Wyatts regroup, and we break for...

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Back, and the Wyatts are in control. Cole takes the heel beatdown to pat WWE on the back for 1.5 million votes on the App for tonight's Slammys. But then he says WWE.com got over 2 million votes for ITS awards, which really makes me wonder if I don't have a point about the way WWE handles the Slammys. [Holding fans hostage for the 2 minutes of proprietary App voting per award just doesn't make any sense to me, when you could easily make it a week-long vote across multi-platforms, which would actually INCREASE interest, overall. Not to mention the fact that you're alienating anyone who isn't in the eastern half of the US.]

Meantime, back in the ring, Ricky Uso makes the tag to Robert Uso, who is a house o' fire (except for the part where he completely whiffed on the Rikishi Butt Splash). A Pier 4 brawl breaks out, and although Robert Uso hits the Superfly Splash on Harper, Rowan gets involved, and creates ample distraction so that Uso turns around and walks right into a lariat from Harper.

Your Winners: the Wyatt Family, via pinfall, in 8 minutes. Pretty much strictly formula, and on the short side, at that. But very well executed formula. Speaking of execution....

Final Slammy Time: the Excellence of Execution, Bret Hart, is here to hand out the Match of the Year award. He presents the nominees (a list which is criminally devoid of the ACTUAL MotY, Punk/Lesnar at SummerSlam). Winner after these....

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And the Winner is: John Cena vs. The Rock. Match of the Year. This year's Slammys are now officially worse than the Observer Awards (any year). For entirely different reasons, of course. Well maybe not. But it's close. It's "matches that shouldn't even have been nominated" versus "matches nobody actually watched." The massive boos and Cena's quick exit suggest I'm not alone. But I guess shitty parents around the world let the kiddies stay up till 11 tonight, and also let them borrow the cell phone. Ahhhh, democracy.

NATALYA vs. TAMINA (w/ AJ)

Story here is that Tamina is supposed to be softening Nattie up for Sunday's title match against AJ. But about 90 seconds in, there's miscommunication, and Tamina crashes into AJ, and Nattie cinches in the Sharpshooter. That's the end of that story.

Your Winner: Nattie, via submission, in under 2 minutes. Nothing as a match, but as a half-assed reminder that Nattie is a threat to AJ on Sunday, I guess it works. Plus, if this was a prereq for Bret showing up, good for him standing up for his neice.

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DANIEL BRYAN THOUGHTLESSLY SCOOPS THE HEAT OF 20 LEGENDS, CHAMPS, AND HALL OF FAMERS

We're here to bid farewell to the Two Title System, and 20 former world champs are assembled in the ring, to bear witness, including: Bret, Shawn, Mick, Punk, Bryan, Rey, Show, Kane, Alberto, Booker, Henry, Christian, and more.

Triple H is here to preside over this ceremony, and tries to talk about the importance of Sunday's match. Meantime, the crowd starts chanting "DAN YIL BRY YAN." The more HHH tries to no sell it and talk over them, the louder it gets. The chant goes nuclear when Mark Henry raises Bryan's hand, and Bryan starts acknowledging it. HHH has to stop and let it play out.

HHH goes back to talking about how Sunday is the greatest match in the history of the multiverse, and we will crown a "Champion of Champions" to replace the current two champ system. Tonight, we bid the two title belts farewell. First, WWE Champ Randy Orton.

Then Steph takes over and welcomes World Champ John Cena to the ring.

Neither receives a positive reaction.

In fact, as HHH solemnly asks for the belts to place on the hook and hang above the ring for one final showing, another massive "DAN YIL BRY YAN" breaks out.

Orton decides to talk over it, with generic blabber. The crowd changes gears and chants over him with a "BORE RING" chant. Ahhh, Seattle, 20 years ago, I thought you were the coolest place ever. Tonight, I'm thinking that might be true again.

Luckily for Randall, the Writer Monkeys supplied him with some decent cheap heat material, and Orton started picking the low-hanging fruit, by taking cheap shots at Bret, Mick, and Shawn. Most memorably, he claimed to have "taken years off Mick's career" in their Cell match. A match which happened after Mick had shortened his own career in Japan, WCW, ECW, and the WWF, and proved his point by RETIRING THREE YEARS BEFORE FACING RANDY. Hey, I said the heat was cheap, not historically accurate.

Along the way, Randall apparently said something about working hard to be the best, because Cena's first move is to bust out laughing "You? Work?!? HA!" And he even seems to go off script by calling Daniel Bryan to the front and ppointing out that there's a reason why fans want to watch Bryan, but don't believe in Orton. It's because they know Bryan WORKED for what he got.

Cena even asks Bryan some leading questions about his road to WWE, to get the cheap pops. Included, "Are either of your parents former WWE superstars?" Answer "No, my dad was actually a lumberjack." And "So since you've been here, you actually had to WORK for everything you've got?" Answer, "YES!"

Cena turns his attention back to Orton, telling him that he's been protected since Day One. He's screwed up in the ring. He's screwed up OUTside the ring. [Crowd: "ooooooooohhhhhhhh.] But he's still here, trying to live up to the label that was slapped on him 10 years ago by "Them," having been given pass after pass.

And all while Randy was having to come up with excuse after excuse, Cena's spent the past 10 years being the same guy, win or lose. No matter what, he loved going to work ever day and living by the motto "Want some? Come get some." Randy came up with reasons NOT to have matches. Cena worked to get matches against as many guys as he could, both to give THEM the shot and to prove himself. He says he's one of the only people in the company who begged to put Dolph Ziggler in main event matches. YAY! He's the only guy who thought it was a good idea to get involved in a WWE Title feud with CM Punk. YAY! Hell, the only time Daniel Bryan got a legit shot at a world title, Cena's the one who gave it to him. AND BRYAN WON!

YES! YES! YES!

Bringing it back around, Cena says he wants to win the unified title on Sunday because of what it means to him, to the business, to the fans. It's about respect. But Orton only wants to win because he's selfish, and he needs to win just to get back to where he SHOULD have been 10 years ago, if only he hand't kept pissing away the silver platterfuls of opportunity that were handed to him.

"Ooooooohhhhhhhh."

Then Cena puts his hand out and says, man to man, Sunday's going to be brutal, he's holding nothing back, and he wants to be clear about that. And he expects the same out of Orton, because the last thing the world wants after Sunday is another Orton Excuse.

"Oooooooohhhhhhhh."

Orton takes the hand, but delivers the (pretty inevitable) cheapshot. The assembled former champs swarm to break it up, and that's when things get messy. Awesomely messy.

Orton is flailing and lands a shot on Punk.

So Punk goes after Orton.

HHH sees this, and shoves Punk aside.

Punk lands a big right hand on HHH, and out of nowhere, eats a Sweet Chin Music from HBK.

No sooner does HBK turn around than he's met with the Aberdeen Facebuster from Bryan (so THAT's why nothing happened at the Award presentation for Match of the Year!).

Orton spies this, and sets Bryan up for an RKO, but Bryan shoves Orton off.

Orton collides with Stephanie, and she goes down. [For the sake of this recap, OO will repress its Inner Jericho, and not make a joke about Steph going down!]

In today's TV-PG WWE, violence against a girl is so shocking that EVERYbody stops to make sure she's OK. Which is why Orton is down on one knee, checking on Steph, when HHH flies into a rage, and yanks him to his feet.

PEDIGREE TO ORTON~!

Somewhere, Matt Hocking is smiling.

Now, even CENA has joined in on the "checking on Steph" party... tellingly, Orton is slumped in a corner as WWE frames a shot of HHH/Steph/Cena standing below the two title belts. It's clearly HHH and Steph, and then Cena to the side, but there's still intent there when WWE fades to black on this... too bad that intent is overshadowed by the fact that the crowd is ignoring the moment, and chanting "DAN YIL BRY YAN." Heh.