COLD OPEN: THE STREAK VS. THE PAIN

The bell tolls, and the last RAW before WrestleMania opens with the Undertaker making his way to the ring. He plays with the lights, grabs a mic, and proceeds to keep it simple.

He says that 21 times he's been tested, and 21 times, he's been the winner. So the question on his mind is NOT "Can Brock Lesnar win?", it's "Will Brock Lesnar survive?" Taker says when he drags his opponents into the "deep water," they only have two choices: drown, or swim back to shore... and so far, nobody's ever made it back.

He concludes that there are only three immutable realities in the world: death, taxes, and The Streak. So, at WM30, Brock Lesnar will Rest. In. Pe.

Brock Lesnar's music hits.

Lesnar and Paul Heyman hit the stage, and Heyman has a few words for Taker... basically, he says that it doesn't matter if Taker thinks this is a match that Brock can't win. Because he knows, deep down, that Undertaker is feeling the pressure that this is a match he can't afford to lose. Taker's desperation will be his undoing, and Brock Lesnar will win the day at WrestleMania.

In response to the verbal threat, Taker pulls back his hood. Brock tells Paul to shut his yapper, and takes a step forward. Taker removes his jacket, altogether. Brock starts bobbing, ever so slightly, from side to side, as is his style. The body language is crystal clear: why wait till Mania?

The crowd starts cheering for the physical confrontation, but Lesnar milks it for fully four minutes: starting towards the ring, turning back, lather, rinse, repeat.

Finally, Lesnar and Heyman split, each on opposite sides of the ring. Taker is distracted for just a brief moment, by Heyman wielding a steel chair, and Lesnar pearl harbors him from behind. A quick flurry of punchy-stompy, and all of a sudden Lesnar hits the F-5.

Taker is down. Lesnar's music hits... and if you were waiting for a Zombie Sit-up, you're still waiting. The announcers paint this as proof that Lesnar is fully capable of ending The Streak on Sunday.

I think most of us beg to differ, but that's only because most of us are "smart" wankers who wouldn't waste the Streak on an already-made-man... that said, this has definitely been the most physical build-up to a Taker WM match in a LOOOOONNNNNNGGGG time. It's a nice change of pace, and makes Taker seem vulnerable to the unwashed masses, and represents a slightly fresher approach for us jaded types.

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BIG E. vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO (Non-Title)

Two guys entered into the Andre Battle Royale going at it, here. Big E. gets off to the fast, power-based start, until del Rio dodges a corner charge, and E. rams into the steel ringpost, shoulder-first.

That's Alberto's cue to go to work on said shoulder, as prelude to the cross armbreaker. Del Rio yanks Big E. out of the ring and rams his arm and shoulder into the post a couple more times. E. is in trouble, and Alberto is celebrating, so we break for....

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Back, and Big E. is in the middle of a mini-rally... and just as quickly, Alberto snuffs it out, and goes back to work on the arm and shoulder. BUt when he ties E. up in the ropes, the ref calls for a break, and del Rio wastes energy arguing with the zebra.

Big E. re-rallies, and this time, it takes. We enter a back and forth End Game sequence in which Alberto goes for the Cross Armbreaker, but E counters, and hits his big Warrior Splash. Only gets a 2. Strap comes down, and E goes for the Big Ending, but del Rio hooks the arm, and cinches in the Armbreaker.

Big E. powers out, doing the "lift the guy up using one arm" spot, and slamming del Rio down to the mat. Only a 2. Big E sets Alberto up on the top rope, presumably for a superplex, but Alberto knocks him off and hits a double stomp off the top. A quick bit of double reverse-y, and del Rio lands his low roundhouse kick. Fin.

Your Winner: Alberto del Rio, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. Surprisingly good pace and chemistry by the end. Very solid End Game. Now, only time will tell if Alberto's win is actually setting up a singles issue between the two, or if it was just the Random Booking Generator at work. It's not like the IC Title is being featured at WrestleMania, or anything.

Ahem.

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Sheepmask Freezeframe Cutaway: Bray Wyatt is hanging upside down in the dark. You know, like a totally normal, regular guy. He hangs there for a moment while Luke whistles, then springs up, and says that deep down, the world craves change. But it's not enough to just come along and promise change... you have to shout at the top of your lungs to get noticed.

Well, last week, the Wyatt Family shouted as loud as they could. "Did I get your attention, kiddies? Muwhahahahahahahahahaha!" Big pop for that line, a perfect 50/50 mix of cheers and boos. So I guess he did.

Bray continues that this has been his destiny all along. He says "she" -- presumably Sister Abigail? -- told him he would be The One. He would change the world. And now he is, by exposing John Cena for what he is: a grotesque monster. The change continues on Sunday. See you there, John.

Creepy. And awesome.

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NATALYA vs. SUMMER RAE

Summer has her own music and entrance, now. Yippee. Apparently, this match is predicated by something that happened on That Which OO Refuses to Acknowledge as a Valid Form of Entertainment (as witness by a clip that was cringe-enducingly phony, despite its purported status as "reality" TV).

Vickie Guerrero is on guest commentary, but instead providing useful info about the precise rules of her Diva Invitational match at WM, she basically reminds us how much she hates AJ.

Match has Summer hitting bitchy slaps and gimmicky leg-related moves, and Nattie doing some Actual Wrestling. Normally, I'd assume the advantage there goes to wrestling. I assumed wrong. Summer hit a completely random kick out of nowhere, and that was that. Huh.

Your Winner: Summer Rae, via pinfall, in 2 minutes flat. I can state, with authority, that this was a thing that happened. What I can't tell you is why. Since, if *I* was going to remind fans of a big match for the Women's Title, I would be apt to have a match featuring the, you know?, champion.

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THE RETURN OF "MILKING THE HE-GOAT" THEATRE

So here come Triple H and Stephanie (in a pantsuit, looking infinitely more respectable than last week; was it something I said?), and supposedly, this is the official Farewell to the YES! Movement.

Triple H opens by telling us that it's OK, the fans will move on. Because they always do. Like.... like, hey, do you remember a year ago at WrestleMania? What was that thing that everybody was doing, acting like it was the biggest deal in the world? Steph helps out by reminding him that it was Fandango'ing... it was all the rage a year ago, but now the fans have forgotten all about it.

Just like they'll all forget about Daniel Bryan.

Steph then asks the fans if they'd like to see Daniel Bryan tonight. "YES! YES! YES!" comes the response. But she tricked you... cuz she promises, for the second week in a row, that Daniel Bryan is nowhere to be seen tonight.

BOO!!!!

Then HHH takes the mic and starts ranting about how the reality of the situation may be that he's got the power to get his way, but anyone who thinks he got where he is today simply by marrying well is sorely mistaken. He was the greatest, and he's still the greatest, and he's outlasted every other flavor of the month the fans ever adopted... the ranting is reaching Vince-ian proportions of "5 minutes of content, in a 15 minute bag," so the fans start chanting "BORE RING!" over top of the repetitive rambling.

Then, as if we hadn't already heard enough about how awesome HHH is, they throw it to a 3 minute video package illustrating what HHH just said about dominating all past "flavors of the month." Whee.

Coming out of the package, HHH says that not only WAS he the greatest, he still is, and proving it to these ungrateful fans is his plan for WM. That's why it wasn't gonna be enough to just beat Daniel Bryan and send him back to obscurity... that's why he put himself in the mix to win the WWE Title. And more to the point, that's why he's gonna win it.

He's hitting the right heelish notes, but not hitting them in as efficient a fashion as he could, so unfortunately, I'm feeling more of a "Yeah yeah yeah, I know" vibe rather than a "Crap, he's right" vibe. Making the fans believe in you is a heel's goal; making them impatient is not. Back in the good ol' days, OO always liked calling this "the spectacle of milking the he-goat." It's Immanuel Kant. Look it up, dum dums!

Anyways.... cue Batista's music. He's sporting Cognitive Dissonance Wardrobe. On one hand, he's wearing a Georgetown jersey, to the delight of the Washington DC crowd... but on the other, he's wearing his uber-douche beret, making it impossible to take him seriously.

He's also got a counterpoint for us... well, it's more of an observation: Batista noticed that he was absent from HHH's cute little video. Because HHH has never beaten him. The two exchange barbs about how the other is looking past a more imminent opponent (HHH past Bryan, to a WWE Title match he might not even have; Batista past Orton, who he's wrestling later tonight). Then Batista makes a comment about Steph wearing the pants in the family, and once again, it's not HHH who steps up and gets angry...

It's Randy Orton. That's, like, the third time he's done that in the build up to Mania. Normally, I'd think this was an on-purpose storyline point... but it seems like nothing more than a lazy narrative crutch so that people can make jokes at Orton's expense about him being a suck-up.

Either way, Orton hits the stage, and asks Stephanie to NOT slap "Big Dave" like she did last week, because he wants Batista at 100% later tonight. No excuses. Ummmm, Randall? I don't think even Batista is a big enough weenis (beret or no beret) to use an open hand slap as an excuse for losing a match that takes place 90 minutes later.

Then HHH questions whether Orton can beat Bastista at all, much less Batista at full strength. It morphs into basically the same promo he cut on Batista on SmackDown, daring Orton to once again discover his inner "Viper" if he thinks he's gonna have a chance of winning at WM. Afterall, Dave found his inner "Animal" on Friday (thanks to HHH's prodding).

To help Orton in his quest, HHH decides to make tonight's match between the two a No Disqualification Match. Play HHH's music, as Orton and Batista try to out-exude-confidence each other!

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THE USOS and LOS MATADORES (w/ El Torito) vs. THE REAL AMERICANS and RYBAXEL (w/ Zeb Colter)

This is a preview of the WM tag title match, where it'll be every team for itself. Cole clarifies that the rules on Sunday are "first team to score a decision wins," not elimination style, which is kind of too bad. Let's just say that I think Usos/Real Americans could have a hell of a match, but the other two teams are pretty much just chaff.

Match seems to be deviating from standard formula, at first, as Curtis Axel is the Heel in Peril, while all the good guys tag in and out to kick his ass. But then Axel is finally able to make a tag to Antonio Cesaro, who will not suffer that happy crappy.

Ricky Uso is now on the receiving end of a beatdown, and all is right with the world, as we get back to the usual tag match format. A bit of teamwork between the Americans, and then Swagger sends Uso flying out of the ring. A natural break in the action, ergo, a break for...

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Back, and Ricky Uso remains on the receiving end for another 2 minutes or so -- with the phenomenon of "We The People" chants and babyface reactions for Cesaro, while all his teammates are heels -- and then the requisite hot tag to Robert Uso.

Big time fire-up, and then things break down into a Pier Eight Brawl, including huge boos for a Matadore when he breaks up the Giant Swing. Finally, everybody powders out, leaving Swagger in the ring with a Matadore. He locks in the Patriot Act, and is on the brink of victory when the ref is briefly distracted by an Uso trying to get back in the ring.

Behind his back, the Matadores pull a switcheroo, and the illegal Matadore rolled Swagger up for the cheap pinfall. D'oh.

Your Winners: Los Matadores and the Usos, via pinfall, in 15 minutes. Surprisingly long match to showcase a WM match that WWE deemed so unimportant, they demoted it to the free preshow. Odd. But whatever... it made for a thoroughly serviceable contest. I guess giving the win to the least credible tag title threat (yes, los Matadores are even less credible than Rybaxel on OO's depth chart) isn't a horrible idea, either, even if 70% of fans see through the misdirection.

New on DVD: the Ultimate Warrior has a new DVD set out, superceding the one WWE released 5 years ago. From what I gathered, the main difference is that instead of coming off like a total talentless doofus, the Warrior comes off like a clueless asshole. Good for him.

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GOLDUST and CODY RHODES vs. DAMIEN SANDOW and FANDANGO (w/ Summer Rae)

So this is nominally about the Rhodesses/Fandango issue that's played out over the past few weeks... with Sandow thrown in because.... ummmm..... hmmmmm, because he's also in the Andre Battle Royale, I guess.

In contrast to the last match, we waste no time getting to The Formula, as Cody becomes the Face in Peril. How compelling is the drama here? So compelling that JBL expounds about how he spent the afternoon discussing Rene Descartes with Sandow. I kid you not.

A full 2 and a half minutes of that, and we get the hot tag to Goldust. House o' fire action, including the Goldysault. Then a Pier Four breaks out... Cody hits a double jump bodypress on Fandango, while Goldust pins Sandow after the Final Cut.

Your Winners: Goldust and Cody Rhodes, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Basically served as an excuse to mention the Andre Battle Royale, with no other easily observable redeeming qualities.

Momentary Confusion: a quick 30 second ad for WM, focusing on the New Orleans party atmosphere. But at first, I was sure it was a "coming soon" vignette for Adam Rose. It sure looked like his menagerie of hipster wangnozzles partying in the streets, anyway. [If you don't know who Adam Rose is, don't worry. You will soon enough. He's in NXT now, but seems destined to be A Thing based on reactions to his recent makeover.]

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Backstage: the Shield have a few words for us. Seth Rollins says it doesn't matter which of them faces Kane tonight, because the result will be the same, no matter what. Dean Ambrose says that they never disrespected Kane; Kane disrespected them, and they'll right that wrong at WrestleMania. Roman Reigns gets to hit the punchline: Believe that... and believe in the Shield.

Freezeframe Sheepmask Cutaway II: Bray Wyatt lights the lamp, declares their presence, and blows it out again. Apparently, they're on their way to the ring... after these...

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R-TRUTH (w/ Eggsavier Woods) vs. BRAY WYATT (w/ Luke Harper and Erick Rowan)

We're all adults here. Let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

Your Winner: Bray Wyatt, via pinfall, in about 3 minutes. Of note for no reason besides Bray unleashing a new move: a sort of wrap-around half-nelson chestbreaker. Hey, you try and describe it any better!

After the Match: Eggsavier tried to help Truth out of the ring. Instead, he got his ass kicked by Harper and Rowan. Once that was taken care of, the trio struck a pose as the lights went out and a spotlight illuminated them...

And all of a sudden a fourth guy -- wearing a sheep mask -- appeared behind them. Both Harper and Rowan shared a moment of head-tilt-y eye contact with the interloper... then Bray realized something was amiss, and turned around.

The mask comes off, and ANVIL'd~! I mean: the mask comes off, and we see it's John Cena. Shocking. Cena clubbers away on Harper and Rowan, while Bray escapes, unscathed.

Actually, joking aside, that may have been entirely predictable, but that doesn't undo the simple fact that it was a killer visual and a good way to cap things heading to the final PPV showdown.

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AJ LEE vs. NAOMI DACTYL (Non-Title Lumberjill Match)

So all the women in the Diva Invitational are surrounding the ring. The basic story is, they all hate AJ, but they all give Naomi a pass when she's tossed out of the ring. Clearly, AJ has zero chance of retaining the title on Sunday. And it's so totally NOT because of her boyfriend. [Or should I say "fiancee"? That was a suspiciously large ring on her finger tonight....]

This plays out for a few minutes until Tamina finally decides to help AJ... the rest of the 'jills respond with a 12-on-2 beatdown. AJ is ejected from the scrum, winding up in the ring where Naomi hits a facebuster and makes the pin.

Your WInner: Naomi, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. So THIS served the purpose of reminding us about the big Diva Invitational at Mania. Which is great. Except for the part where it only makes the previous women's match even more confoundingly pointless in retrospect.

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Backstage: Renee Young interviews John Cena. He immediately slips into his annoying fake shouty angry street voice. Oy. Why couldn't you have just left it at the sheep mask, John, you idiot? He completely twists Wyatt's thesis about Cena's grotesqueness by promising to become a "monster for a day" in order to preserve his eternal legacy, and closes by doing a mocking impersonation of Bray's agent of change/eater of worlds catchphrases.

So much for Cena putting the "perfect capper" on things three segments ago. Now it seems like ages ago. Because -- unless you're one of WWE's 11 year old fans -- this was Cena at his phony/incongruously-jokey worst. To quote CBS' least qualified college basketball analyst: turrible.

Fan Vote: Which member of the Shield will face Kane in one-on-one action tonight? It's Roman Reigns, in a landslide. Allow me to opine: "Duh."

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ROMAN REIGNS vs. KANE

No Shield, no Outlaws. At least, to start.

Kane, marginally the bigger of the two, wins the slobberknockering. But when he goes for the chokeslam after all of 90 seconds, Reigns easily powers out and goes on the offensive when Kane acts surprised. But as soon as he sets up for the Superman Punch, the Outlaws run out.

Then the Shield materialize.

The Shield get the better of it, and are poised to deliver the Triple Powerbomb... but the Outlaws drag themselves back up onto the apron. The momentary distraction allows Kane to escape, and the heels beat a hasty retreat. We're reminded that won't be an option on Sunday.

Your Winner: None Announced (presumably a No Decision, after 2 minutes). Nothing fancy, just a straight up teaser for the 6-man PPV match. Nothing wrong with that. I guess.

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PIPER'S PIT

Roddy's already in the ring, and immediately reminds us that 29 years ago today, he had the honor of main eventing the very first WrestleMania. And, he would like to remind us, he was NOT the one who got pinned that night. [Suck it, Mr. #1derful!!! Does it still count as a punking if it's 30 years after the fact?]

But he's not here to talk about that. He's here to pay homage to a man who was instrumental to building the WresteMania legacy... Andre the Giant. And he's here to talk to the odds-on favorite to win the Andre Memorial Battle Royale at WM30...

Miz's music hits. Roddy: "Really?" Miz: "Really." Miz says not only is he the favorite to win the battle royale, he's the far superior talk show host.

Sheamus' music hits. He reminds Miz it's better to be silent and have people assume you're a fool than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

Then TItus O'Neil. Then Dolph Ziggler. Then Piper finally gets annoyed at people interrupting his Pit, and punches Miz in the face.

A four-way brawl breaks out, and almost instantly, another 20 mid-carders hit the ring for a preview of the battle royale. Then Rey Mysterio gets a special individual entrance and heat sequence. Once some heels snuff it out, Big Show's music hits, and he clears the ring.

Except for Rey. Show looks at Rey, and decides to have mercy. He turns his back... and Rey attacks. Boo? Nah, you can't boo Rey. Plus, his sneak attack lasts all of 17 seconds until Show shakes off the cobwebs and effortless chucks Rey out of the ring.

Show's music plays, as Piper gets back in the ring to raise his hand. I think we know who Roddy's favorite is... and Cole underscores that by saying he can't imagine anyone other than Big Show winning the Andre Battle Royale. [Allow me to repeat my thesis that Alexander Rusev is the guy who will have something to say about that.]

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RANDY ORTON vs. BATISTA (Non-title, No DQ MATCH)

So, on one hand, this is the originally planned WrestleMania main event. But on the other, it's 10:58pm (eastern) by the time both guys are in the ring, so forget anything resembling a "free-per-view" match.

Oh, and then here's HHH and Steph making an entrance, which takes another minute or so. They settle in on guest commentary, as the bell finally rings. The fans don't seem to be all that concerned about the late start to the match.... because they know what they want:

"DAN YIL BRY YAN!"

But Orton and Batista are at least going to go through the motions for a bit, brawling all around the ringside area. They wind up in front of the commentary table, where Orton takes control and tries to impress HHH with his viperitude. He scores a few shots, and tosses Batista back into the ring.

Batista immediately takes control, and tosses Orton back out of the ring. Once again in front of the commentary table, Batista shows off, so HHH can appreciate his animalosity.

Michael Cole theorizes that HHH is just egging on both guys so that they'll both be easy pickin's come Sunday. HHH indignantly says this is not so. But you know it is.

The match spills back into the ring, and the intensity simmers down a few notches. Incongruously, the crowd starts going absolutely batshit.

We cut to the commentary table, and we see why: Daniel Bryan is beating the crap out of HHH.

Orton tries to break it up (suck-up that he is?), but Bryan fights him off. Then Batista tries to attack Bryan; he gets the Aberdeen Facebuster Knee for his troubles. HHH is just now getting back to his feet at ringside... and Bryan nails him with the Flying Goat dive.

Orton and Batista powder out, leaving Bryan to celebrate in the ring while Stephanie corrals Hunter and helps him retreat from ringside while shouting threats back at Bryan.

Our final image before Mania? An arena full of fans chanting "YES!"