OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
The Latest Infusion of International Flavor
May 19, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

I was expecting a grand total of zero interest in my Cooking Skillz after last week's preRamble. And I'm not saying that 7 people emailing to ask for my recipe for Steak Diane is much of a deluge. But it is, you have to grant, more than zero.

So perhaps I'll press my luck with another tidbit of wisdom from The Rick's Kitchen.

In this case, the only reason it occurs to me to mention it is because this past weekend wound up marking the official start to Watermelon Season. I mean, they'd started showing up about a month ago, but they were shitty, mushy, off-flavor things from Guatamala, or something. And nothing against Guatamala, but most produce does not benefit from spending 2 weeks in transit, unless they are bananas.

Some melons grown in Florida finally showed up a few days ago, though, and they met my standards. If you recall a ground-breakingly memorable preRamble from last fall (about the folly of seeds in watermelon; what do you mean you don't remember!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?), you know this is my favorite fruit. So now that I had the first good one of the season, I immediately dug into my bag of tricks for every possible preparation I know. One is simply known as "Watermelon Soup," and I just had it tonight, with brats-on-the-grill. It's super easy, and I figure if any of you are taking my culinary skills seriously, you might put this to use this coming weekend for Memorial Day cookouts and so forth. Really: it's awesomely refreshing.

Take two parts seedless watermelon chunks, and one part whole hulled strawberries, and put them in a blender, until the blender is about 2/3rds full. I won't even try to give you measurements by volume, since it's all wildly variable based on the size of your berries and chunks (and I'm way too lazy to weigh things outside of baking); just aim for twice as much watermelon than strawberry, until the blender's a bit more than half full. Add 1/2 cup or so of heavy cream, 1/4 cup of confectioner's sugar, and a few mint leaves (I guess this is optional, but it adds a nice undertone to the cool refeshingness). Blend on "liquify" for about 30 seconds until smooth. Refigerate until cold. Share and enjoy! [This makes enough for 4 bowls.]

If it's easier/more convenient given the contents of your kitchen (or perhaps just to lower the fat content), feel free to just do a couple dollops of Cool Whip (which contains starchy thickeners in lieu of any actual cream) instead of the cream and sugar. And as always, adjust the final flavor if you decide you want more sugar or mint. This is a guideline, not the Word of God.

So do with that what you will this weekend. In the interim: let's talk about the just-concluded RAW From London. I promise to make it as tasty as I can, but apologies in advance if I'm a bit more terse than usual. Pretaped shows just don't have the same immediacy or sizzle, and I'm good, but I can't entirely cover that fact. We ride:

Sheep Mask Freeze Frame Cold Open

The opening "Then, Now, Forever" bumper only gets about one-third of the way done, when the Wyatts cut in. Wow, that's the first time I can ever recall them cutting off their own little signature thingie. Anyway, the Wyatts are all assembled in the ring, and Bray's leading the crowd in "He's Got the Whole World."

Then he switches over to prepared comments... he says people -- himself included -- lay their heads down at night and have dreams where they are superheros and they will make everything right in the world. But then, they wake up, and everything's still wrong, and you're not a superhero.

He tells the story of how he learned that lesson, and it involves a teacher of his, who took him aside and told him "You are not special. You stand for nothing. You are evil." But here's the punchline: now, that teacherlady is rotting in a coffin, and Bray's got the whole world in his hands. The crowd makes Bray's point by breaking into song.

That feeling of power is Bray's revenge on the teacherlady and everyone who misunderstood him. And for his next trick, Wyatt intends to teach John Cena that lesson: that he is not special, he is not a superhero. That lesson will come at Payback, but tonight, right here on RAW, Luke Harper has Cena in a one-on-one match....

Cena's music interrupts, and Cena sprints out at a million miles an hour, hits a single drive-by shot on Bray, and then gets out of dodge before the Family can attack. Cena's music continues to play as he celebrates on his way up the ramp. Because doing a sneak attack and running away is something to be oh so proud of!

Video Package: stuff happened last week, involving Daniel Bryan and a neck injury, but OO does not recap recaps. Presumably, this is the Video Recap For the Benefit of Those With ADD that would normally have been slotted at the opening of the show, if only the Wyatts hadn't interrupted, instead. Upshot of it all: Bryan has travelled all the way across the pond, and will appear on RAW tonight to discuss the disposition of the WWE Title.

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SHEAMUS vs. CESARO (w/ Paul Heyman) (Non-Title Match)

The crowd seems to want to cheer Cesaro, but Heyman doesn't want that, so he cuts a pre-match promo in which he declares that the crowd should shut the hell up and stop chanting, because we (Heyman and Cesaro) are stars, and they (the fans) are the audience who should shut up and bask in his brilliance. Then, he tries to troll them with his "My client Brock Lesnar" spiel, and the audience just sings along with him, anyway. The heart wants what it wants, Paul, and tonight, it wants to cheer for your client...

Sheamus enters to massive boos. It's gonna be one of those nights.

Old school feeling-out start with lock-ups and such, which quickly goes in favor of Sheamus. Cesaro decides to bail out and consult with Heyman. On his way back into the ring, Sheamus catches him, and busts out the Ten of Clubs, all of 2 minutes into the match. Cesaro bails out again. Then a third time. On the third time, they do the standard "cat and mouse" role reversal bit.

Cesaro clubbers away for a minute or so. Sheamus gets a hope spot after ducking a clothesline on a criss-cross and following up with an Irish Hammer. But his offensive is short lived, as he charges Cesaro, only to have Cesaro duck and low-bridge him. Sheamus tumbles out of the ring in a heap. Cesaro performs the International Sign for "I'm So Smart" as we break for....

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Back, and Cesaro is trying to establish a "heel" beatdown, but the fans are cheering for it. So, to punish them, Cesaro cinches in the dreaded Chinlock. Sheamus powers out, and has another quick hope spot, snuffed out by an uppercut and then Cesaro's crazy-awesome version of the superplex (with the opponent standing on the apron, while he's on the second rope).

Cesaro gets cocky, and does a little celebrating, and as a result, when he next charges Sheamus, Sheamus hoists him up for an Irish Curse. The fire-up is on. Running tackle, and a rolling senton for a near fall. Sheamus goes up top, but gets caught in mid-air by an Elevation Uppercut.

Cesaro sets up for the Neutralizer, and Sheamus backdrops out of it. Both guys down, ref starts a double count. Both guys get up to their knees and start trading punches. Sheamus gets the better of it... but Heyman gets up on the apron to create a distraction.

Cesaro strikes: a deadlift German Suplex, with a bridge. One, two, three. And it's over.

Your Winner: Cesaro, by pinfall, in about 15 minutes. OO has been expecting big things from these two ever since they crossed paths (with tantalizing results) in the lead-up to Elimination Chamber. But they still haven't hit it out of the park. This was good, very good. But not any better than the match they had last week on Tuesday Night's Show Nobody Watches. There is another gear. I know it.

After the Match: Sheamus tries to play nice by offering a handshake of respect. But Cesaro no sells it and walks away, getting a huge cheer in the process.

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More International Flavor: after the French Announce Table made its return to WWE TV earlier this year, the German Announce Table makes its debut! And also, there are two guys behind the desk, speaking mostly-German (except they still call JBL "jay bee ell," instead of "yot bay ell"). But mostly, I know my audience, I know you -- like me -- are hugely fired up for a new Table Ethnicity! And it's German! Ausgezeichnet!

[True Story: I only remember a word as obscure as "ausgezeichnet" because back in high school German class, a couple friends and I did an extra credit video project called "Bjorn und Uwe's Ausgezeichnet Adventure," which was a Bill and Ted inspired journey into Germany's past. And yes, because we cared about accuracy, it included a scene filmed at the Circle K located half-a-mile from my house! Man, we ruled. Much to our surprise, when the video was screened for our class, our obvious wit and creativity did not result in us scoring with any of the frauleins. Which is a shame, since only about 15 kids in our grade took German -- Spanish was exponentially more popular, for whatever reason -- but one of them was the hottest cheerleader in our year, and she was thus required to periodically acknowledge my existence, albeit rarely in English. Highlight of my entire high school career.]

BIG E vs. RYBACK (w/ Curtis Axel) (Beat the Clock Challenge)

We need a new #1 Contender to Wade Barrett's IC Title, and we're gonna get it after a Beat the Clock Challenge. You know the deal, right? Well, if not, where have you been for the past forever?

So they immediately went to the heel beatdown. That lasted 3 minutes or so, with only nominal participation from Axel. Big E did his comeback. Ryback caught him with a spear when he attempted the Warrior Criss Cross Splash. Near fall after a Meathook. Big E escapes a Shellshock, and hits a flash Big Ending.

Your Winner: Big E, via pinfall, and the time to beat is 5:02. A live Big E/Ryback match really wouldn't be grounds to get vested. A taped one where I already knew who won? Bleh.

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R-TRUTH (w/ The Truth-a-dactyls) vs. FANDANGO (w/ Layla)

So apparently, Naomi and Cameron are being repurposed. Which I can live with. I mean, I'd like for Naomi to be repurposed as a full-time wrestler, but then again, I am a heterosexual male, and Ass Voltron. Oh my, yes: Ass Voltron.

Match never happens.

Fandango and Layla are going over-the-top with the smooching, when Summer Rae makes her (not-entirely-surprising-if-you-read-last-week's-RAW-recap) return. She marches right up to Fandango, yanks him away from Layla -- he does not exactly fight it -- and plants a big ol' kiss on him.

Layla responds by tackling Summer, and rolling around on the mat with her for a few moments, while Fandango steps back and just watches. Finally, some refs restore order, and Fandango retreats with Layla, while Summer's music plays, and we ignore Truth's presence.

Your Winner: None, because there was no match. Well, Fandango isn't exactly Tommy Dreamer, circa Kimona and Beulah, but you get the sense that he's willing to take them both. Too bad I doubt they're into that sort of thing.

Coming Soon: Bo Dallas. Specifically, he's gonna be on SmackDown this Friday.

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BAIT AND SWITCH THEATRE

Daniel Bryan is here, in the flesh, baby! Or is he? His music starts, but then Stephanie McMahon comes out on the stage, mocking Bryan's YES! Fingers. BOO~!

She says Bryan had successful neck surgery, but does it in the smarmiest way possible, so we know she isn't really that impressed. She sarcastically tells the fairytale story of Bryan's WM win and marriage and all that, and how he's totally a hero to the ordinary everyman "like us. [pregnant pause] Well, like you."

But then, channeling Wade Barrett, she says she's got some Bad News for us... she's thinking about stripping Bryan of the WWE Title. She name drops some possible new champions. All of them, except Barrett himself, gets booed. During this portion, my Live Intel reported massive "See Em Punk" chants, but they did NOT make it to TV. Crafty editing, I presume.

But at the end of the day, Steph says she doesn't want to strip Bryan. She wants Bryan to come to RAW next Monday, and do the right thing. Do what's "right for business." She wants him to surrender the WWE Title, willingly, so that they can have continuity of power, without any trouble.

As Steph's music plays, the crowd chants NO! NO! NO! to this prospect. But initial reports suggest Bryan will miss the next two PPVs, so WWE really might have to take the belt off him. One PPV? They look the other way on that (Punk even got the benefit of this towards the end of his record setting reign). But if Bryan's out till SummerSlam, that's probably too much.

I've had a few readers write in, suggesting a UFC-style "Interim Champ," and I have to admit that I REALLY like that idea. You have a new champ, with his own belt, and that keeps things going in terms of house show line-ups and all that... but Bryan's still recognized as champ, too, and in the end, the Rerpise of WM10 (where there were two IC Titles) essentially writes itself. If you want to get really fancy about it, you can even make it a more convoluted three-way deal by splitting the WWE and World titles apart again as part of this process (I'm less of a fan of that, though, unless the End Game is Reunification).

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HEATH SLATER (w/ 3MB) vs. RUSEV (w/ Lana)

3MB are in costume, once again, as The Union Jacks, pandering to the London crowd. It works.

Lana comes out, and makes fun of Britain's pathetic crumbled former empire. That also works.

Then the match starts. We're all adults here, so let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

Your Winner: Rusev, via submission, in about a minute flat. Whee.

Backstage: the Shield have a few words for us. Mostly about how they've been as guilty as anyone when it comes to 3-on-1 attacks, and playing the numbers game. But HHH is taking that to all new levels of cowardice by pulling this 20-on-3 crap. They go around the horn, with Reigns showing off some nasty stitches (and once again using "That all you got?" as a catchphrase), and ending with Rollins talking about his match tonight against Batista. Believe in him, and believe in the Shield. Fist pose.

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ROB VAN DAM vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO (Beat the Clock)

Very perfunctory feeling out to start, as RVD goes for quick pins and roll-ups, emphasizing the BtC element. Alberto gets in on the action, making covers after even the most innocuous moves.

Impressive pace for almost 2 minutes straight, and then Alberto lands a backstabber, and slows things down for more of a standard Face in Peril dealy. Ninety seconds left, and RVD gets in a flurry of moves, including Rolling Thunder. But he whiffs on the Five Star. Alberto follows up, but only gets a 2 count. He also decides to argue that point with the ref... ooops.

When del Rio turns back to RVD, intending to hit his low front kick (a/k/a the Concussor of Ziggler), but Van Dam ducks it and hooks Alberto in a pinning combo. Fin.

Your Winner: Rob Van Dam, via pinfall, and 4:15 is the new time to beat. To my eye, that's about the best you could do with a 4 minute match. Still kinda unfortunate that they couldn't do more, but well: the sad truth is that Alberto's contract is coming due very soon, and he's leaning towards retirement rather than re-signing. So it's not like WWE's gonna do a whole lot to make him look good until/unless he changes his mind.

I'd implore WWE to change his mind, but those ijits thinks in terms of there only being a finite number of "spots," instead of thinking in terms of "utilizing all talent." Which is stupid and old school, and it's also not changing. Ugh. Anyway, part of me thinks (hopes?) that even if Alberto can't be retained, his "spot" is the perfect place for Damien Sandow... and I guess I could live with that.

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Backstage: Renee Young wants to get a few words with John Cena. Cena says that he's been dealing with the Wyatts for damn near 3 months now, and he knows how they operate. So tonight, he's once again called in a favor, and will be joined by the Tag Team Champs. Here are the Usos. Cena's no a-feared of the Wyatts, and neither are they. "Hearts of Champions" is your punchline, here, but since Cena insisted on doing it in his ultra-fakey pretend intense shouty voice, I kinda zoned out on the details.

Elsewhere Backstage: Evolution have assembled, and assure us that No, that ISN'T "all they got." What Orton did to Reigns was just the start. It continues tonight, when the Big Man takes Rollins out, and makes sure it's 3-on-2 at Payback. And then? That's when Evolution will finish the job. Believe in Evolution. Yes, you too, Alabama. It's science, and it's not open for debate.

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SETH ROLLINS vs. BATISTA

So it appears it will be one-on-one. For about 7.3 seconds. And then, Triple H comes out and declares himself the Special Guest Ring Announcer. And also: Randy Orton is our Special Guest Timekeeper.

But two can play that game. So Rollins takes the mic, and says, what the hell, why not have some Special Guest Commentators. Here are Ambrose and Reigns to handle those duties.

We've now got 6 guys participating, in one way or another, in this "one on one" match.

After all that chicanery, we come out of the chute fast, with Rollins' speed trumping Batista's power. That changes when Batista nudges things towards the ringside area, where he takes over with the brawling, and tosses Rollins into various pieces of ringside furniture (the German Announce Table is, for now, still intact; I know you were concerned!)...

But once back in the ring, Rollins pulls an enzuigiri out of his ass. Batista crumbles, but Rollins is in bad shape, too. The natural break in the action leads directly to a break for....

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Back, and Rollins is a face who is in a decided state of peril. Batista even reprises the visit to ringside, to introduce Rollins to more furniture (but no, not the German Announce Table; yet). Rollins keeps on keeping on with hope spots every minute or so, but just cannot get any traction until Batista makes a Rookie Mistake, by telegraphing a backdrop.

All of a sudden, Rollins is on fire. After hitting a suicide dive out of the ring, Rollins even fends off a potential sneak attack by HHH and Orton for long enough that Ambrose and Reigns can jump off the headsets and stand guard for him.

Rollins takes it back into the ring for more rapidfire offense, and a smoking hot crowd chanting "Let's Go Rollins." He's finally about to hit the death blow, but when Rollins goes to the top rope, HHH just blatantly hops up on the apron and shoves him off. That'll do it.

Your Winner: Seth Rollins, via disqualification, in about 10 minutes. Seemed maybe a notch or so below the very good match they delivered on SD a few weeks back. But in this case, I think it's because they were saving things up for the angle that happened....

After the Match: and as soon as the bell ring, the Pier Sixer is on. The German Announce Table finally gets its initiation by fire, when Ambrose tackles HHH into it. Reigns has Orton in his sights, but Randall has a steel chair, and uses it. Ambrose takes Orton down by reprising the "Running Start Across the Table" spot from the last PPV, but HHH is waiting, at this point, and chucks him into the timekeeper's station.

Rollins tries to make the save, but HHH drops him, too. HHH sets Ambrose up for a Pedigree on the floor, but Ambrose backdrops him onto the English Announce Table (NOBODY IS SPARED TONIGHT!). But we've all forgotten about Batista, who has now recovered... he takes out Ambrose and lands another potshot on Rollins.

Now it's Reigns' turn to be the forgotten man... he materializes from off-screen and takes Batista down with a spear. Ambrose and Rollins recover, and they decide it's time for another Triple Powerbomb, this time on Batista. But HHH and Orton are able to break it up and yank Batista out of the ring, to safety. They scurry up the ramp, as Evolution settles for the moral victory. Good match, decent little Pier Six capper, too.

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PAIGE vs. ALICIA FOX (Non-Title Match)

Paige gets a big hey-howdy from her countrymates, but Alicia spoils it by immediately targeting the ribs and back, and punctuating her offensive with lots of taunting the audience.

In fact, the finish comes kinda out of nowhere, after Paige takes a relatively pedestrian turnbuckle bump to the ribs, and Alicia just kicked her in the gut, and got the pinfall. Huh.

Your Winner: Alicia Fox, via pinfall, in about 4 minutes. I guess the new Temper Tantrum-y Alicia Fox was a hit, cuz now she's got a non-title win over the women's champ, which will translate into a title shot. And also: even after a win, Alicia tantrum'd again, including making off with Lawler's crown and stealing a fan's beverage and spilling it.

Sheep Mask Freeze Frame: the Wyatts are in their darkened lair, and we open close-in on Luke Harper, who references Cena's actions from earlier with a "Come out, come out, wherever you are. You're playing a dangerous game, you little mouse." Then Bray chimes in, and apparently, whatever's good for the goose shall be good for the gander, so he welcomes the inclusion of the Usos in tonight's match. One by one, they all fall down.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. MARK HENRY (Beat the Clock)

Henry goes immediately to the power offense. Dolph does his best to make each individual bump look great, but for reasons that only Mark knows, he keeps the pace incredibly lethargic in between the individual spots. Even though it's called BEAT THE CLOCK.

It's so bad that even JBL wonders why the hell Henry's wasting so much time.

With 90 seconds to go, Dolph fires up with a dropkick out of nowhere, but has taken so much punishment that now HE'S the one dragging ass, and not following up in a timely fashion. With 45 seconds left, he goes for a Steamboat-style crossbody, but Henry catches him out of mid-air and turns it into a powerslam. It only gets a 2.

Henry tries to follow up with a World's Strongest Slam, but Ziggler slides out the backdoor, and hits a Zig Zag. But as he's crawling over to make the cover, time expires.

Your Winner: None, as neither man could beat the clock. I hate to beat a dead horse, but the lack of urgency here (from both guys, in a match that only had 4 minutes to work with to begin with) was tangible. Not good.

After the Match: Henry and Ziggler disappeared and RVD was announced as the winner of BtC and the new #1 Contender to the IC Title. He came out on the stage to celebrate, but was attacked from behind by Wade Barrett. Of course, the fans cheered.

Barrett then delivered some Bad News, in the form of revealing that Rob may have been good enough to beat the clock, but he has zero chance of beating the champ. Then, for shits and giggles, they play the old British Bulldogs theme as he gloats in front of the partisan crowd.

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HOW TO BE A ROSEBUD

Renee Young is in the ring, and introduces Adam Rose -- who is here with his Menagerie of Hipster Wangnozzles. Including the anthropomorphic cheeseburger, who we learn is named Ethan, even though nobody asked.

Renee Young asks what it means to be a "Rosebud," and Rose responds by basically starting to sing his theme song, and the entire crowd joins in. Then, when she asks why he's picking on Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger, he says it's because they're a bunch of sourpusses who don't enjoy dancing. Then his bunny starts busting several moves, and the crowd starts singing again. I swear: I am not on LSD, and that last sentence I typed is factually true, even though it is, prima facie, absurd.

Then Zeb and Swagger interrupt. But Zeb has trouble getting a word in edgewise, as the crowd keeps singing over him. Then he finally gets some traction, and uses every cheap heat tactic in the book to mock Rose AND the ingrate fans who put up with him. Then he gets down to business, and issues a challenge: Zeb wants to face Rose, one on one, right here, tonight.

Rose is happy to accept, but the second he turns his back to get his Menagerie out of the ring, Swagger attacks from behind, because that's what heels do. But heels are also stupid, and in this case, Swagger ignores Rose and starts threatening the Menagerie, giving Rose all the time he needs to recover and chuck Swagger out of the ring.

Play his music! And commence more singing and dancing! Like I've been saying: so long as 80% of Rose's appeal is the entrance and spectacle, WWE's playing the hand correctly to emphasize the positives and mask the shortcomings... Adam Rose once again comes off looking like a goddamned rock star.

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JOHN CENA (w/ Usos) vs. LUKE HARPER (w/ Wyatts)

The Usos start patroling all around ringside, while Bray makes do by having a nice sit in his rocking chair (Rowan standing guard behind him). And nothing's changed with regards to the crowd: they do not care for Cena, and the pro-Bray sentiment has definitely rubbed off a bit on Harper.

Brief back-and-forthy gives way to Harper getting the better of it. He scores a halfway-convincing near fall on a modified half-nelson pumphandle slam. Luke does his drawl-y taunt, Cena's unable to get to his feet, and we take our final....

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Back, and Cena's firing up out of a resthold... and 30 seconds later, he eats a Big Boot, and the beatdown continues, as the crowd sings "He's Got the Whole World." In fact, Luke gets a bit distracted, enjoying the song, and Cena's able to trip him up. But Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, and misses. YAY~!

A quick double-reverse-y spot, and Cena is finally able to drop a fist on Harper, finishing the FKS, albeit without the usual fluffery. When he tries to follow up, Harper counters a charge with a facebuster slam, and then morphs into Lucha Harper: Harpercarana! Flying Gator Plancha! Nice work, big fella!

When the crowd once again roars its approval, Harper again pauses to soak it in... so when he charges Cena, Cena reverses things into a tornado DDT. Neat spot. Then, Cena's feeling it and hits a hurricarana of his own. Wow. His follow up is met with a Superkick by Harper, though. Also neat-o.

It gets better, as Harper hoists Cena up into a Torture Rack, and then drops it down into a neckbreaker. Only gets a 2. Harper is frustrated by this, and briefly consults with Bray... it's enough to allow Cena to recover; Harper turns around and walks into a clothesline. Cena immediately into the SSTF. Harper immediately to the ropes.

Rowan picks now to hop up on the apron. An Uso picks him off with a superkick; the other Uso hits a plancha. But Bray's now had a chance to get in the ring, and picks off the first Uso with Sister Abigail. When the other Uso hops in, it's a second Sister Abigail.

Cena chucks Bray out of the ring, and turns his attention back to Harper. Harper nails a Michinoku Driver, but only gets a 2 count. Harper reaches down and pulls Cena up, and Cena hits a lightning quick F-U out of nowhere.

Rowan charges and tackles Cena. The ref finally has to throw this one out.

Your Winner: John Cena, via disqualification, in about 12 minutes. Entirely predictable non-finish aside, that was some damned fine work, and my appreciation of Luke Harper continues to grow. Big man's got some serious skills, and an increasing "it" factor when it comes to connecting with the audience.

After the Match: it quickly turns into a 3-on-1, as the Usos are non-factors after the Double Abigails. Cena gets the tar beat out of him, to the point where Harper and Rowan can drag his carcass to the top of the stage. Once there, Bray calls them off, and hits another Sister Abigail, this time on the stage's steel floor. Ouch.

And then, to put the capper on it, Bray gets down on the floor, and cradles Cena's head in his lap, all motherly and creepy. Bray starts singing, and to make sure we all understand how Last Man Standing works, Harper starts counting. He gets to 10 exactly as Bray finishes up the second verse of "He's Got the Whole World." Pitch perfect. Sheep mask freeze frame, and we slam cut to black.

And so ends the show. Like most pretaped shows, you couldn't quite get all the way into it the same way you do when you honestly don't know what's coming... but even with that caveat, you got three very watchable wrestling contests, and a really compelling, pitch perfect finale with the Wyatts.

So yeah, I'll take that. I might have tried to find room to do more with Beat the Clock (which was epically forgettable), but Cesaro/Sheamus, Batista/Rollins, and Cena/Harper all got the job done. And even I couldn't stay a sourpuss for Rose's segment, no matter that I have endless Real Life experience with that brand of clearly-trying-too-hard poser-party-animals-with-affectations and long ago started to find them obnoxious and exhausting. [/mmmmlemony]

Add it all up, and I think we can give this one a B-minus grade. Not exactly honor roll material, but it certain passes the class with plenty of room to spare.

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.