OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Roman Reigns: Roofie Enthusiast?
June 16, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

Last week, I mentioned my brother's quest to show off his directorial skills, and how you could help by contributing to his kickstarter.

Well, it turns out they crushed their original goal, so the project will happen. But my brother was quick to upscale his panhandling, by tripling his original goal for a new "Stretch Goal" that will allow "Army of the Lost Horizon" to be as big and awesome as possible.

Us Scaias, we're crafty like that.

A bunch of you did kick in, and you do have his thanks (as expressed in updates and videos on kickstarter). It seems some of you even took my advice, because he went from having 3 of the $75 packages sold last Monday night, to being sold out by Tuesday evening. Now, if you want the free poster (which is about the best "freebie" that doesn't require you to live in LA), you have to chip in $150. That'll learn you to withhold funds from The Family!

Anyway, that's my way of bringing up that for all the gratitude that goes out to those of you who did donate to bring Stephen's vision of The Story of Indiana Jones' Daughter to life, there's still work to be done. So think about tossing a few bucks his way, and at the very least, you'll get a copy of the movie, which isn't gonna be anything to sneeze at. It'll star Timothy Omundson (from "Psych" and "Deadwood" and "Jericho" among other things) and feature stunts by a special effects company that worked on "The Hunger Games."

C'mon, you know you wanna...

OPPORTUNITY FOR ALL! (Except the Shield)

We once again eschew any preliminaries, and cut straight to the inside of Not The Gund Arena, in Cleveland. The entire roster is assembled on the top of the stage, and the two title belts are hanging above the ring, once again making me think this could all be setting up the re-splitting of the WWE Championship, if and when two different guys grab the two different belts.

And to kick things off, here are Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, to address the roster. They immediately launch into a smear campaign against "Mr. B-Plus" Daniel Bryan, but then declare that the only thing worse than having a B-plus champion is having no champion at all. Because the WWE Title is what every single member of the roster fights for 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.

Knowing that, the Authority want the roster to rest easy that, because they are all about Opportunity, and to that end, tonight, everybody up on the stage will compete in a Battle Royale, with the winner advancing to the MitB Ladder Match...

But wait: no EVERYbody. Because there are a few guys up there who've been thorns in the Authority's side... so Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and John Cena, you're excused from tonight's Battle Royale.

But wait again! John Cena will still get a chance to enter the MitB Match. You see, Stephanie promised a certain special match, and due to Daniel Bryan's injury, that match isn't gonna take place, as scheduled. So instead, John Cena will be a team player, and he'll face Kane in a Stretcher Match. If he wins, he can take the seventh and final spot in the MitB Title Match.

As Cole & The Gang run down a quick preview of tonight's line-up, an ambulance backs into the arena, while the roster disperses, and then Kane's music and pyro hit, and THE DEMON KANE comes out on the stage to survey the scene.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. SETH ROLLINS

The word on the street is that Rollins will get a complete make-over, but for now, his crappy music from last Monday is still in effect, and he's still wrestling in his Shield gear. Also: the heat's still nuclear, with the live crowd really getting on his case with boos and "You Sold Out" chants.

Fast start for Ziggler, to the extent that Rollins finally had to duck out of the ring to regroup. After a few moments, Ziggler decided to press the issue, and followed, with your standard cat-and-mouse role reversal spot ensuing.

Rollins now firmly in control for a bit. After a hard whip into the turnbuckle, Ziggler crumbled, and Rollins seemed inordinately proud of himself, and we used that rather understated spot as an excuse to break for....

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Back, and Rollins is working the obligatory "back-from-commercials chinlock." Also obligatory: the good guy uses that as the basis for his comeback, powering out of the hold, and then going on a tear. Builds up to a Stinger Splash for a near fall, and then Rollins catches Ziggler with a front kick to launch us into back-and-forthy End Game.

Rollins goes for the Curb Stomp, Ziggler counters into a wrap-around DDT. Dolph for the Fameasser, Rollins with a suplex. Rollins for a clothesline, but Dolph ducks and THERE'S the Fameasser. Convincingly close 2 count. Dolph for another Implant DDT, but Rollins counters into his turnbuckle powerbomb.

Good stuff, but we're approaching the finish, as Rollins hits the powerbomb a second time, and then lands the Curb Stomp... but that's the moment where Dean Ambrose hits the ring and attacks Rollins. Ref calls for the bell.

Your Winner: Seth Rollins, via disqualification, in 12 minutes or so. Every bit as good as you'd expect, and on par with their two matches in recent weeks on Main Event and SD. Great chemistry between these two.

After the Match: Rollins runs away from the fight, and Ambrose grabs a mic, basically challenging Rollins to a match, so he can punch him in his "very punchable face." But HHH pops up on the Titantron and says that if Ambrose is hungry for a fight, well... he's got some bad news for ya.

Wade Barrett's music hits, and he heads towards the ring. It's gonna be Ambrose vs. Barrett, after these....

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. WADE BARRETT (Non-Title)

We join the match in progress, and underscoring the impromptuness of it all, Ambrose is wrestling in street clothes. He's also on offense for about 30 seconds before Barrett settles in for the mid-match heel beatdown. Wade's very stompy/knee-y for a bit, until Ambrose ducks a charge, and Barrett tumbles out of the ring.

But it's little more than an extended hope spot, as Ambrose goes for a tornado DDT, but instead, Wade clotheslines him off the top rope, causing Ambrose to fall all the way to the floor. In so doing, he lands hard on his shoulder which is apparently still tender from his Friday match against Bray Wyatt.

Barrett immediately zeros in on said shoulder, and lands a few stomps before gloating, which is, of course, our cue to cut to some...

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Back, and Ambrose is in a bad way. The fight is still outside the ring, and Barrett's ramming his shoulder into various parts of the ring. Once back in the ring, he works a hammerlock and then a top wristlock, doing still more damage to the left shoulder. But when Barrett backs Ambrose into a corner, Dean flails away with his one good arm, and then hits that Tornado DDT that started this whole mess.

Ambrose fires up, but does so while visibly limited to one arm. He's doing the best he can, and actually seems to be gaining traction when Seth Rollins comes out through the crowd, and taunts Ambrose from the announce table.

Ambrose immediately forgoes his match to chase after Rollins. And while he finally catches up to Rollins to land a couple punches, it also takes longer than a 10-count to do so.

Your WInner: Wade Barrett, via count-out, in 15 minutes. Nothing fancy, but Ambrose is a genius at acting half-crippled, which certainly got the story of the match over.

After the Match: Rollins once again managed to scurry away from Ambrose's wrath. In the ring, Wade made the mistake of trying to celebrate his heroic victory... only to be laid out from behind by Ambrose. As a result, Ambrose was standing tall, and they played some generic new music that was NOT Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta.

Backstage: Roman Reigns wants into that Battle Royal, and he's buttering up Vickie Guerrero to that end. She's fetching coffee for HHH and Steph, when Roman knows she's a smart, successful business woman. Vickie is melting before our very eyes, and it seems she might advocate for Reigns' cause. Then, all of a sudden, Roman points out that the Authority are gonna want cream for that coffee. So Vickie scurries off, leaving the coffees.

Reigns turns his back to the camera, and doctors the coffees. Then Vickie returns with the creamers, picks up the coffees, and then randomly sneezes again.

I honestly don't know what's more stupid about that whole segment -- the recurrence of Sneezy Vickie, or the fact that Reigns "secretly" doctored the coffee on a TV show broadcast to millions of viewers worldwide, including the Authority's dressing room, where they are known to be watching the show -- so instead of wasting my valuable time trying to wrap my head around it, I'll just move along.

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HE WHO HAS THE GOLD HAS THE POWER

The Wyatts are here. Harper and Rowan are lugging a ladder, which they set up in the ring, under the two belts. Then Bray begins his address, talking about his desire to wield power. The power he craves is the power contained within those two belts.

And then, there's his brothers, Harper and Rowan, who have been shunned by society, but have power within THEIR grasps, too, when they face the Usos for the tag team titles.

At Money in the Bank, the Wyatts will have all the power, all the influence. And all the glory. And when he has all of that, he will use to to bring about the change he's been promising all along. Then, he will really and truly have the whole world in his hands.

He leads the crowd in a quick verse, but is interrupted by Sheamus. Sheamus suggests an alternate lyric, because he's fixing to shove his whole boot down Bray's throat. In fact, he wants to do it right now. Bray's face breaks out in a giant smile. And here's a ref, so let's boogie....

SHEAMUS vs. BRAY WYATT (w/ Harper and Rowan)

Bell rings, and the two immediately start trading haymakers and headbutts. Hard hitting stuff, to the point that JBL points out that this is certainly a trend any time Sheamus is in the ring. Nobody goes from zero to slobberknocker faster.

It continues in this vein until Sheamus starts stringing together a mini-flurry. Bray dives out of the ring, and when Sheamus follows, he's intercepted by Harper and Rowan. It looks like we're about to have us a 3-on-1 situation.... but the Usos hit the ring, and have Sheamus' back.

While everyone's getting into position, we break for...

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Back, and Wyatt's in command, and we're informed it's because of Sheamus whiffing on a top rope attempt during the break. Soon enough, Sheamus begins his comeback by just bouncing out of the corner with an Irish Hammer. Then another. And a third. After a quick exchange, the Ten of Clubs lands.

Another quick grapple, and Sheamus is setting up for the Brogue Kick... and for the third time in three matches, we have outside interference: Harper and Rowan strike.

Your WInner: Sheamus, via disqualification, in 10 minutes. A straight-up hard-hitting brawl.

After the Match: the Wyatts are briefly in control, and Harper and Rowan decide to put their ladder to use... but the Usos and Sheamus stage a comeback. Bray gets a rolling senton on the floor, while the Usos use the ladder as a "ramp" (leaning against the ropes and anchored by Sheamus) to hit the stereo planchas on to the Wyatts. Nice.

Backstage: HHH and Stephanie are chatting, and HHH is talking with his hands. So when Vickie arrives (from behind him), and hands Steph her coffee, he sort of knocks the other coffee out of her hands. Steph gladly starts sucking down her beverage, because she doesn't watch her own show, nor did anyone bother telling her what Reigns did in front of an international viewing audience. But HHH escapes her fate, and orders Vickie to go get him a fresh coffee. Not just dumb, but pointlessly dumb, since no matter what the "pay off" is, there will have been a billion better, simpler ways to accomplish the same effect.

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Backstage: Renee Young is interviewing Stephanie, who is all cocky to start, bragging about what a great opportunity she's created with tonight's Battle Royale. But then she suddenly blurts out "May the best man win" and runs away because poisoned coffee.

Apparently, Paul Heyman was lurking just off camera, and walks into frame, and offers himself up as a replacement interview subject. Then, he promptly does Renee's job for her, by asking himself what he thinks about the MitB Ladder Match... and of course, he thinks highly of Cesaro's chances. In fact, it's not just a prediction that Cesaro will win. It's a SPOILER.

Which he repeats a few times, really rubbing it in Renee's face, with Renee doing an exceptional job of tolerating it without exactly selling it. It's like she's rolling her eyes, without rolling her eyes. That's a skill.

HEATH SLATER (w/ No One) vs. RUSEV (w/ Lana)

Other than a brief aside comment, they don't make much of Slater being back to a One Man Band. Lana prefaces the match with pro-Russia ranting and a photoshop job turning Mt. Rushmore into a Russian monument. Slater counters with "If you love it so much, why don't you leave and go live there?" Zing?

Then the bell rings. Then, after all of 30 seconds, it rings again.

Your Winner: Rusev, via submission. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Backstage: HHH is standing by a door. From behind said door, Stephanie is making wretching noises. Vickie arrives with fresh coffee, and HHH blames her for doing something to Steph's coffee. Because HE doesn't watch the show, either, nor has anyone telling him what happens on it. Oy.

HHH tells Vickie to go in there and check on Steph... and as soon as she opens the door, a stream of fake vomit shoots out at Mach 3. Then, a second one, because Vince McMahon has a shitty sense of humor and apparently, no understanding of the physics of throwing up.

HHH immediately says he's gotta take Steph to the hospital, and leaves Vickie in charge, with the order "Just don't screw up the Battle Royale." Then he tells her to get a shower first, because she's gross. Then, Vickie lets out a howl of frustration, which all but insures that Roman Reigns will get what he wants, afterall.

You know that thing I said about no "pay off" being worth this stupidity? Yeah, well, I win.

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Backstage: Roman Reigns approaches Vickie, and says "Hey, you're probably getting fired by Steph next week, so why not do something positive on your way out?" So Vickie relents, and puts him in the Battle Royale. Not only was none of this funny, but it also completely undermines Roman Reigns' character. Now, instead of a Hound of Justice, he's a ratfink with a frat boy's penchant for spiking girls' drinks.

Elsewhere Backstage: Kevin Hart gets a minute or so to plug his new movie to Renee... then Adam Rose and His Menagerie of Hipster Wangnozzles show up and invite Hart to their party. He seems confused by the whole scene, and Rose tells him "Don't be a lemon, be a Rosebud" before prancing off. Hart is completely non-plussed, but then wanders off, humming Rose's theme music. Well. That was certainly a valid use of everyone's time.

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ADAM ROSE/SUMMER RAE (w/ the Menagerie) vs. FANDANGO/LAYLA

Kevin Hart is now sitting in on guest commentary, and pretty much proves he doesn't watch the show by being completely unfamiliar with Fandango, which requires the Cole step in and explains what's going on.

Once everyone's done their entrances, we get one brief exchange between the women, then Layla tags out and runs away. Summer chases her. The men are now legal. Faster than you can blink, Rose hits the Party Foul, and it's over.

Your Winners: Adam Rose and Summer Rae, via pinfall, in under a minute. Hart added nothing to commentary, other than his rapt fascination with Fandango's pants. But afterwards, when Rose again extended an invitation, he did decide to jump in the ring and prance a bit before joining Rose for the faith-drop/crowd-surf spot.

I haven't ever "gotten" Kevin Hart, dating back to when he was the not-as-funny-as-the-other-guys guy on Colin Quinn's old Comedy Central show. But I guess he's now a favorite of the lonely 30-something women who frequent romantic comedies, so in "WWE Think," this gets them exposure with an audience that usually doesn't watch. Lucky the-rest-of-us.

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MONEY IN THE BANK QUALIFYING BATTLE ROYALE

When we return from commercials, the ring is already full, save for one last guy: Reigns gets his own entrance, and is apparently now the sole proprietor of the Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta.

Damien Sandow is decked out in a LeBron Heat jersey, and is the most hated man in Cleveland. So first order of business: everybody teams up on him, and eliminates him to massive cheers.

Then the standard Battle Royal chaos breaks out, and I'll just powder out until we're down to the final 4 or so, and we can make some narrative sense of it.

Time passes.

Time passes.

Time passes.

We break for...

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We're back, and while time was still passing, apparently Kofi was eliminated, without one of his standard Holy Shit spots. And while Cole is filling us on on that, Ziggler's eliminated, too, also without any showing off. But there's still about a dozen guys in there, so I'll stay powdered out for a bit.

Time passes.

Time passes.

All of a sudden, Reigns goes on a streak of eliminations, recalling his Rumble performance, and we're down to Reigns, Rusev, Barrett, Big E, and Bo Dallas. Reigns eliminates Barrett, while Bo and Rusev team up to get Big E. Then Bo is summarily dumped by Reigns, and it's Reigns vs. Rusev.

Reigns fires up to a "USA USA" chant, and manages to get Rusev out onto the apron. Rusev tries too punch his way out of his predicament, but Reigns steps back and hits a Superman Punch to send Rusev to the floor.

Your Winner: Roman Reigns, in 12 minutes. Pretty bland and highspot-free, even by Battle Royale standards, although the Rusev/Reigns finish got things rocking and rolling a bit.

Backstage: Renee has John Cena for an interview. And Cena's apparently not drinking the decaf tonight. In his most obnoxious spazzy voice, Cena counts down his goals for tonight, starting with five fingers. But nope, in the end, he doesn't flip the bird. He makes the "I'm #1" sign while cheesily declaring his inevitable victory over Kane. I really, really hate this John Cena. And I think I hate anyone who doesn't feel the same way, because you're the ones enabling him to drop these turds on us.

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PAIGE vs. CAMERON (w/ Naomi) (Non-Title)

So apparently Cameron's the latest diva to disrespect Paige and not take her seriously as champ. So there was a slap involved. And now, it's a match.

As Paige goes to town on The Funkadactyl Who Can't Wrestle, the Funkadactyl Who CAN Wrestle could not appear to care less. This better not be the end of Ass Voltron!

Your Winner: Paige, via submission, in about 3 minutes. I can state, with authority, that this was a thing that happened.

Backstage: Byron Saxton interviews Goldust, who says he's met his new tag partner, and everything Cody said last week is true. The new partner is "super galactic" and things are about to get hot. We meet him after these...

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GOLDUST & STARDUST vs. RYBAXEL

Well alright, alright, alright... it's what I asked for last week: Cody is all dolled up in make-up and a pleather bodysuit. Crowd seems to be of the same mind, and fires up a "Let's Go Stardust" chant to start.

Goldust never tags in, and Stardust makes quick work of Rybaxel, pining Axel after a Blockbuster.

Your Winners: Stardust and Goldust, via pinfall, in about 90 seconds. The story here is that Cody's losing streak was all in his head, and now that he's changed things up, he and Goldust may be set to dominate the tag division again, as they did for the better part of 6 months. In the meantime, I suspect Cody's interviews will be about an order of magnitude more fun than they ever were as himself.

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JOHN CENA vs. KANE (Stretcher Match)

For those unawares, this is basically a no holds barred match, and the only way to win is to put your opponent on the stretcher and push him across the finish line.

Also, they clarify that this isn't just a "win and in" match for Cena, it's a full-on Qualifier, and if Kane wins, he's in, too. Steph and HHH spun it a little differently earlier, making it sound more like a hurdle for Cena than an opportunity for Kane.

With no rules, the match spills outside in the blink of an eye. It's too soon to try putting the stretcher to use, but the other furniture is fair game, and Cena gets tossed into a lot of it. With Kane in charge, we break for our final...

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Back, and nothing's changed: Cena's still outside the ring, getting hammered with various props. Now including steel chairs. Once back in the ring, it all builds to Kane chokeslamming Cena. But no pinfalls, and that chokeslam won't be enough to keep Cena down on the stretcher ride. So Kane brings the ring steps into the ring.

Cena briefly avoids danger by dropkicking Kane's knee (causing Kane to drop forward, headfirst onto the steps). But when Cena goes for the F-U, Kane counters it into a DDT onto the steps. Cena's out, so Kane goes for the first stretcher tease... Cena rolls off about 10 feet up the ramp, and the fight resumes.

Kane goes back to dancing with what brung him, chucking Cena into the barricade, and then prepping the announce table... but when Kane goes for the chokeslam, Cena reverses it, and F-Us Kane through the table. The stretcher is inconveniently located 30 yards away, in the entrance aisle, and Cena exhausts himself carrying Kane all the way over there... he just barely manages to get Kane onto the stretcher...

And then Seth Rollins and Randy Orton sprint down and attack. No DQ, though, so they go 2-on-1 against Cena, until Dean Ambrose makes a save. The good guys get the better of the 2-on-3, climaxing when Cena does his Step Throw (as seen against Bray Wyatt), putting Kane down for good.

Well, almost for good. Kane does a Zombie Sit-Up a few feet from the finish line, necessitating a quick bit of double-reversey and another F-U. Then Cena pushes Kane across the line, and qualifies for MitB.

Your Winner: John Cena, in about 15 minutes. Just enough spectacle to make the inevitable outcome a tolerable ordeal. But not much more than that. Cena celebrates on the stage as we fade to black.

And so ends the show. Some really solid in-ring work, especially early in the show. But make no mistake, the thrust of the show was filling the two final MitB spots. And those two issues couldn't have been handled more differently.

Cena's win was a foregone conclusion, but handled in a pretty straight forward way that still made it reasonably effective. On the other hand, Roman Reigns' through-line had all the makings of a star-making turn, except it was handled in a stupid and tone deaf fashion that inexplicably hinged on an unfunny Vickie Guerrero spot and Reigns' character devolving into a cowardly jackwagon who relies on drugged coffee instead of his in-ring prowess. [Not to mention the brain-melting awfulness of HHH and Steph not knowing about something that happened on TV, which is a curveball WWE throws out there a couple times a year, no matter how inexcusable it is and how much it makes me embarassed to be known as a fan of the genre.]

So, simple-but-effective inevitability vs. horribly mishandled storyline twist: who's the winner? I dunno, but it's probably not the fans.

But hey, there wasn't a damn thing wrong with Rollins/Ziggler, Barrett/Ambrose, or Sheamus/Wyatt... and I gotta admit I got a kick out of Stardust's debut, too. But those things were all clearly part of the supporting cast, so once you step back and consider the big picture, my Inner Pyro can't go any better than a C-minus for tonight's show.

I'll see you kids again in 7 days, when hopefully I'll have a happier yarn to spin...

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.