OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Highlights Where You're Least Expecting Them
July 7, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

Well, we're coming up on the MLB All Star Game, and for as much as it's no longer anywhere near as fun or special as I remember it being when I was a kid, it's always nice when your favorite team is well represented.

And in my case, unexpectedly represented. I mean, if you'd told me before the season that the Cincinnati Reds would have 4 all stars, and none of them were named Votto, Bruce, or Phillips, I'd have called you a liar or a fool.

And yet, here we are, with the Reds sending Champan, Cueto, Frazier, and Mesoraco, with an outside shot of Alfredo Simon still making it (Cueto is pitching this Sunday, and thus ineligible to pitch at Tuesday's ASG, with Simon as a reasonably deserving replacement pick).

It's pretty cool. And also, those guys are the reason why the Reds are easily the #1 most-injury-bitten team in MLB this year (only the Braves can really make a case as the Reds' equal on this front), and yet, they're right in the middle of both their divisional race and the wild card hunt. Viva la Unexpected Heroes.

I'm especially happy for Todd Frazier, and I can only assume anyone with a passing knowledge of baseball feels the same... he's just one of the game's most infectiously likeable dudes. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Oh, and I guess before I start, I should mention that WWE's doing a free one-week sneak peek of the WWE Network. And this time (unlike previous previews) this is NOT a "sign-up, and we won't charge your credit card if you opt out in time" deal. It's a genuine no-string attached offer. No credit card necessary. Just give them an email, and you get the full version of the WWE Network from no until next Monday. Just go to wwe.com and the rest should be a piece of cake.

I know I've been pimping the Network with regularity, but maybe you don't trust me. Or maybe you're just more of a "show me, don't tell me" type. In either case: here it is... you chance to decide for yourself if this thing is worth $10 a month. My guess is, unless you're just truly addicted to the rush of stealing things, you'll stop getting shitty lo-def streams of PPVs, and just pony up the cash once you see the Network in action.

Sadly, I think this only applies to US customers. Unless you're a wiz with proxy servers, I'm sorry bout yer damned luck, International OOites.

With that out of the way, here's the story of what just happened on Monday Night RAW...

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those with ADD: after all these years, OO still does not recap recaps.

DEMON OR BITCH? YOU MAKE THE CALL!!!

We cut to site of the Montreal Screwjob, where Roman Reigns is on his way to the ring (through the crowd, as is his wont), and Cole & The Gang welcome us to the show and inform us that The Authority are not here tonight. They are on vacation. Slackers.

Reigns takes a mic, and says he knows Triple H's plan: Kane neutralizes Reigns and there's Orton to win the WWE Title. But Reigns has Assessed the situation, and will bring the Attack at Battleground.

The Canadian crowd starts a "We Want Bret" chant (or at least, it sounded like it), which caused Reigns to pause in confusion. But then it morphed into a "Cena Sucks" chant, which he was prepared for. "Well, I don't know if Cena sucks, but I do know that he won't be the WWE Champion after Battleground, because I will."

Kane's music interrupts, he just stands on the stage, looking menacing. Reigns asks if he's still the Devil's favorite Demon, or if he's gonna put his suit back on and take over for the Authority. "Cuz, you know, you sorta are HHH's lapdog, lately." That annoys Kane. But he stands pat. So Reigns says, "No, better yet, you're Randy Orton's bitch."

OK, that's enough. Kane runs to the ring, and the brawl is on. It's back and forth and in and around the ring, and finally some refs swarm to pull them apart. That fails, as they get shoved aside (and one gets chokeslammed).

So the "Senior Officials" hit the ring to restore order. Fit Finlay, Mike Rotundo, and Dean Malenko are all involved... and finally, the gets Kane and Reigns apart. But only for a moment. When Kane breaks away from the old guys, he's got designs on sucker punching Reigns (who is still being restrained)... but at the last second, Reigns breaks away, too, and greets Kane with a Superman Punch.

Kane finally decides he's had enough, and retreats peaceably. As Reigns celebrates his moral victory, Cole & The Gang set the line-up (Cena vs. Rollins, Jericho vs. Miz, appearance by Bret Hart) before shooting it to....

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THE USOS vs. LUKE HARPER & ERICK ROWAN (Non-Title)

In their only match with the tag titles on the line, the Usos were victorious, but Harper and Rowan have dominated in non-title situations (including last week's 6-man tag match), so they're still in the title hunt. The vibe here is if they can win again, they'll get another shot.

Heat sequence for the Usos to start, but a minute or so in, Harper and Rowan powder out and regroup. When they deign to re-enter the ring, they proceed to go a-slobberknockerin'. The crowd starts to get behind the imperiled Uso with a "Let's Go, Usos" chant, but it's Canada, so things immediately go wacky with a rebuttal "Let's Go, Wyatts" chant.

About 2-3 minutes of that, and we get a tag to the Other Uso. Brief flurry, then he settles in as our true Face in Peril. Rowan eventually chucks him out of the ring, setting us up for a break....

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Back, and the beatdown continulates. Rowan is working a Double Atomic Noogie, which is allegedly a submission hold, but is mostly just silly looking (no matter how much it would actually hurt). Ricky Uso finally gets separation from Rowan by dodging a corner charge, but it's just the first phase of a triple-layer obstacle course. He has to dodge Harper, then evade Rowan again before finally making the hot tag.

Crowd is absolutely going ape-poopy as Uso #2 cleans house. Big plancha, and it breaks down into a big ol' brawl. Huge pop for a near fall after a superkick by Jimmy. Wyatts turn the tables and get a big pop after a powerbomb by Harper, that requires the Other Uso to break the fall.

More chaos, and we know Harper is legal, but I've lost track of which Uso is which... the Usos go for the stereo planchas on Harper, but Rowan ankles one of them and yanks him out of the ring. The other Uso is distracted long enough for Harper to leap into the ring and hit him with the Clothesline From Hell. Fin.

Or is it? I wasn't the only one who lost track of the Usos, apparently, as it seems Harper pinned the wrong guy. At least, that's what the Usos are claiming. But the ref let it slide...

Your Winners: Harper and Rowan, via pinfall, in 15 minutes. Another really good showing from these four, leading up to the red hot finish. Win for the Wyatts obviously sets up another PPV tag title match, and that's just swell by me, too.

Backstage: Kane and Randy Orton are talking strategy, with hostility and distrust simmering just beneath the surface. Kane, in particular, seems convinced that Randall is an untrustworthy douche. How perceptive!

Then Seth Rollins walks in, all cocky-like, and says he's happy to be part of the team, and believes in solidarity, so at Battleground, if one of those two wins the WWE Title, he'll totally think about giving them a pass, instead of cashing in. Then he gives a couple sarcastically chummy chest slaps, and leaves.

Orton: "I'm really starting to hate that kid." Kane: "Not as much as I'm starting to hate you." Made me smile, but I guess your mileage may vary. But c'mon, that seemed like what those two well-established charaters would say to each other if forced to co-exist, and not like what Writer Monkeys invented. It worked. Right? I'm not crazy, am I?

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NIKKI BELLA vs. ALICIA FOX (One Armed Match)

For reasons not adequately explored (not that anyone would care), Stephanie McMahon ordered each girl to have one arm tied behind her back. And sweet fancy moses, the ref takes for-fricking-ever getting NIkki tied down (and I'm not going to acknowledge the creepy fetish enthusiasts and pretend like there's some sort of pleasure to be derived from tying her up, and thus the ref was taking his sweet time), and then Alicia wastes another minute avoiding getting tied up.

Then Alicia attacks Nikki, and proceeds to pummel her with both arms. The bell never rings, and the planned match never happens. Oh, I guess that's why Steph made the "stip." So Alicia wouldn't adhere to it, and a Bella would suffer. I guess all signs really do point to Steph vs. Brie at SummerSlam? It'll probably end up being pretty fun (it's the McMahon Way to give a billion percent whenever you step into the ring, no matter how untalented you are), but god, the road getting there is going to be paved with shitty acting and even worse "storytelling."

Your Winner: None, because there was no match. After delivering a beating, Alicia switches into temper tantrum mode, and spills some beverages on Nikki. With nothing resembling a punchline or climax, the segment finally limps to a commercial break, like a final-half-hour-of-SNL skit. So very pointless. But at least it was short.

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ROB VAN DAM vs. RUSEV (w/ Lana)

Lana serves up her usual schtick, and while it doesn't seem like Canada's any more fond of Putin than we are, somebody decides to bail her out halfway through by hitting RVD's music out of nowhere.

Crowd is way pro-RVD, and he rewards them by taking Rusev down, early on, with a slingshot DDT thingie (leaping from the apron, onto Rusev's back, and into a DDT). But that's pretty much the end of that, as Rusev takes over. Inexplicably, the crowd tries to rally Van Dam with that one Soccer Wanker song.

Dammit, Canada, the sport that you like that Americans don't give a shit about is HOCKEY, not soccer. Get it straight. Also, quit calling ham "bacon."

Extended, methodical beatdown, and mostly the crowd just starts losing interest, altogether. RVD finally starts firing up, but when he goes for Rolling Thunder, Rusev rolls out of the way, springs to his feet, and lands that wicked stiff thrust kick. Lana calls for the Crushening, and Rusev complies with the Camel Clutch.

Your Winner: Rusev, via submission, in about 4 minutes. Not bad, actually, considering the massive mismatch of styles, but certainly nothing to write home about, either. The biggest take away here was that they showed a Zeb Colter pre-tape where he challenged Rusev to face Jack Swagger at Battleground. [I'm assuming this is because Jacky Boy can't enter Canada after his Law Enforcement Unpleasantness of two years ago, so this is all they could do to get that match on the table this week.]

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. RANDY ORTON

Ambrose still has his shoulder taped up, selling injuries from the MitB Ladder Match (he's quickly become the #1 Guy on the roster in terms of acting convincingly injured). He gets off to a quick start, which the crowd loves, but then Orton powders out, formulates a plan, and targets that shoulder, presently.

That does the trick, and gives Orton all the opening he needs to take over. Ambrose gets a nice little hope spot when he counters out of a (slow, methodical) turnbuckle mount-and-punch and turns it into his own rapid-fire mount-and-punch, but Orton regains control quickly.

Another few moments of domination, and Ambrose counters a whip, and winds up clotheslining Orton out of the ring. Orton down, on the floor Ambrose in the ring regrouping, so we break for...

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Back, and Orton has regained control... and miracle of miracles, he's NOT working a chinlock, even though that is now the Obligatory Return-from-Commercials Spot for Heels. But that's only because the story of the match is Ambrose's shoulder. So Orton's driving a knee into said shoulder. I'm sure the ORCSH will return, probably multiple times per show, in the not to distant future.

Orton also works an armbar or two, and breaks those up with a shoulder-only variant of the Garvin Stomp. But Ambrose fires up out of the second armbar, and goes on a tear. Orton tries to snuff it out with his wrap-around backbreaker, but Ambrose counters that into a Figure Four. WHOOOOO!

Ambrose goes up top, but something goes wrong, as Orton just stands there, facing the wrong way, and Ambrose lands (on his feet) behind him without touching him. The camera was in tight, so we didn't really get a look at what went wrong, but the crowd started chanting "You Fucked Up" at Orton, so presumably he's the one who missed a cue. Ambrose's sell job (he fell down and acted like he was the one who took the worst of it) also indicates that the plan was for Orton to catch him coming off the ropes.

So Orton, no matter how screwily, is now in control. Then the match spills outside, where Ambrose gets the better of it. Once he puts Orton down, he goes nuts, and starts grabbing steel chairs, and tossing them into the ring. To what end? We don't know, because Orton short circuits things, and hits the Hanging DDT off the ringside barricade.

The ref clears the ring of chairs, and then starts putting a count on Ambrose. He gets to 9, but Ambrose just barely makes it back into the ring. Orton goes for a standard Hanging DDT. Ambrose counters, and goes for the Piece of Mind. Orton escapes, shoves Ambrose into the ropes, and catches him coming off with an RKO out of nowhere.

Your Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall, in 12 minutes or so. Not too shabby. There was the one spot that got botched, but in the macro, these two delivered a very fine match. Wouldn't have minded Ambrose looking a LITTLE stronger, but at the end of the day, one of these two is in the WWE Title hunt, and the other is feuding with Seth Rollins, so: priorities.

Backstage: Canada's Finest, Renee Young, is set to interview John Cena. The topic: Cena's got a target on his back, what with his title being on the line in a four-way match. So Cena goes on a shouty rant about how, no, the target is hanging around his neck, and it's made of 40 pounds of gold and diamonds, and blah blah blah.

Then Roman Reigns shows up, and says he just wanted to wish Cena good luck against that weasel Seth Rollins later tonight. Cena: "I don't need luck, tonight, homie." Reigns: "Yeah, well you will when you're in the ring with me. [sarcastic and pitying tone of voice] Homie. [/pity]"

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO

The subtext here is that both guys are in the IC Title Battle Royale. And a third participant, Fandango, is sitting in on guest commentary. Cole tries to rub it in that Summer made out with Ziggler last week. Fandango responds by repeatedly referring to himself in the third person. "Fandango couldn't care less." "Some weeks Fandango likes blondes, some weeks Fandango likes brunettes." And so forth.

Match is pretty directionless back and forth, but things perk up big time when both men end up on the top rope, and Alberto manages to hit that jaw-dropping inverted superplex. Only gets a two. Del Rio follows up by trying the cross armbreaker, but Dolph counters it into an implant DDT. Only a two.

Alberto keeps working the arm, and hits that knee-assisted Fujiwara takedown that he does. But again, when he goes for the cross armbreaker, Ziggler gets out of it, and hits a Zig Zag.

Then Fandango gets up on the announce table, and starts dancing, which distracts Ziggler. And enrages JBL, as (a) Fandango steals his hat and uses it (a la the Fan Dance), and (b) JBL doesn't like dudes swiveling their hips in his general vicinity.

But mostly, it's the distraction that matters, since del Rio strikes from behind with a Backstabber.

Your Winner: Alberto del Rio, via pinfall, in 5 minutes. Nice little sequence at the end, but ultimately, a throwaway TV special. And I'm not sure what to make of Fandango's commentary. On one hand, you get the sense that the guy is pretty hilarious, but on the other, he was REALLY forcing the third-person bit and the soundbites, so it never clicked as anything remotely organic or compelling.

Backstage: Goldust and Stardust try to outweird each other with alternating whackjob pep talks. It ends with Goldust doing his patented snort-chomp, and Stardust coming back over the top with a catty chomp-hiss ("SSSssssssssssssssssstardust"). Keep it up, you magnificent freaks.

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Backstage: Fandango is WALKING~! And Layla approaches him and wants to know what he was doing out there, getting revenge on Dolph, like he's still got feelings for Summer. Fandango assures her that's not true, and pulls her in for a tight snuggle... and while she's burying her face in Fandango's oily chest, Fandango glances off to the side and smiles. The camera pans over, and it's Summer Rae standing there. DRAMA~!

POOR SANDOW. POOR, POOR SANDOW.

Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and reminds us that the last time he was in Montreal was the night he had his on-air heart attack. And while things eventually worked out OK thanks to the great doctors, he wound up ruining what had been planned as a celebratory Bret Hart Appreciation night.

So, he's gonna try to not die, and let Bret have his moment of glory here tonight. Bret hits the ring to a massive pop, and sucks up to the the crowd by calling them the best fans in the world and if he could have one more match, he'd have it right here, in Montreal. CHEAP POP~!

But then, Bret is interrupted by.... Bret's music? Yep, because here, in full pink-and-black ring gear, is Damien "the Hitman" Sanhart!

Sandow goes on a spiel about his (read: Bret's) many regrets, such as tapping out to his own submission hold, to his secret idol Shawn Michaels, right here in this very building. Or never learning how to speak as eloquently as that clever dastard, Damien Sandow. Or being born in a crappy third-world country like Canada.

Bret's finally had enough, and just cold cocks Sandow, who flies out of the ring, as if struck by a thousand simultaneous cannonballs. Ridiculous, but outstanding.

Bret celebrates for a bit, and then Sheamus' music interrupts. Bret and Sheamus share a tender moment of mutual respect, and then we learn that Sheamus is scheduled to face Sandow, and that's happening next. By which we mean, after these....

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SHEAMUS vs. DAMIEN "THE HITMAN" SANHART (Non-TItle Match)

We join the match in progress, and Sandow is obviously rocking the Bret Hart moveset. Double sledge, Side Russian, Second Rope Fist. But when he goes for the Sharpshooter, Sheamus grabs the beard and starts his comeback.

Leads up to the Ten of Clubs -- which Sheamus helpfully converts to metric, for the benefit of the Canuck audience, so he ends up delivering 18 Clubs -- and then a Brogue Kick. Done and done.

Your Winner: Sheamus, via pinfall, in about 3 minutes of televised action. Fun little outing for Poor Sandow, mimicking Bret's offense, before the inevitable finish.

Backstage: Renee has plans to interview The Miz, but Miz tells her to zip it, because he's got something more important. He's got a Fan Letter that he wants to read. It's obviously been written by Miz himself, as it rewrites last week's events with Jericho as the villain and Miz as the hero. Miz smarmily thanks his fan, and assures him that all will be right with the world when Jericho gets his close up, with Miz's fist. Gotta admit, "total jackwagon" is the role Miz was born to play.

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CHRIS JERICHO vs. MIZ

Jericho's greeted like a conquering hero. Miz is greeted like a Hollywood weenis. Also, in addition to the new green "This Preview is Approved for All Audience" intro screen, Miz's TitanTron is now way more focused on clips of Miz in movies and on talk shows, rather than hi wrestling, which is quite fitting.

Opening moments establish Miz's new schtick, which is not wanting anyone to punch him in the face (his "moneymaker"). Jericho's schtick is that he doesn't care about Miz's schtick, so he hits and kicks Miz in the face as frequently as he can.

This finally angers Miz to the extent that his rage embiggens him to chuck Jericho out of the ring, and then proceed to take over (including attacking Jericho's face, because goose and gander and so forth). Somewhere in here, Jericho's ear starts bleeding.

Things build up to a Figure Four by Miz, but Jericho gets a rope break, and follows it up with a face punch, which Miz oversells like mad. Then Jericho cinches in the Walls, and Miz insta-taps, because he's more worried about getting to a face doctor than in winning matches.

Your Winner: Chris Jericho, via submission, in about 8 minutes. A bit shy of expectations, probably, but also, I figure that's by design, so they could get the story over. The 15 minute Workrate Spectacular can and will come later.

Sheep Mask Freeze Frame: lights go out, and when they come back on, Bray Wyatt is sitting in his rocking chair, on top of the stage. He puts forth the notion that he's basically the new incarnation of Jericho, using his words as weapons. He even turns a few of Jericho's own catchphrases against him, while painting Jericho as a has-been, and himself as the current shepherd of lost souls, who are all "singing a different tuen, now." The visual of the darkened arena lousy with cell phones lit up actually seems to support that thesis, to some extent.

Once Jericho's heard enough, he unleashes a mighty "Would You Please SHUT THE HELL UP," and says that, unlike last week, Bray's alone, and Jericho likes his odds in that scenario, so he starts stalking up the ramp.

Another Sheep Mask Freeze Frame, and suddenly Bray is flanked by Harper and Rowan. Frustrated, Jericho decides to hold his ground, while Bray chuckles.

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AJ & PAIGE vs. THE FUNKADACTYLS

Funkadactyls are already in the ring. No Ass Voltron?!? Dammit, didn't I say -- just last week -- that I intend to cherish every Ass Voltron, as each on may be the last? And now, you don't even include it in the broadcast? BOO~!

Then Paige enters, and takes the mic from the ring announcer, offering up a totally over-the-top ring intro for "Our GREEEEAATT Diva's Champion, AJ Lee." But once the bell rings, they work well enough together, and make frequent tags, as they dominate Naomi.

That's because Cameron is too busy yawning and fixing her lip gloss to tag into the match. Then, after about 3 minutes, she's had enough of Naomi sucking, so she blind tags herself in to show Naomi how it's done.

Then she walks right into the Paige Turner. [Paige Turner, Paige Turner, Paige Turner. Paige Turner. Howdy, unsuspecting fools searching for their favorite porn star on google!]

Your Winners: Paige and AJ, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Decent little match, actually, but I am indignant that WWE robbed me of my last Ass Voltron. Jerks.

After the Match: Naomi is all "So THAT's how it's done, huh?" And Cameron is all "It's not like you were doing any better." Then it escalates into shoving. And then turns into a full-blown cat fight. Like I said, there's no turning back, now: Ass Voltron is no more.

Well, unless last week's "Main Event" is any indication, in which case, we may soon see Ass Voltron v2.0, with Cameron teaming up with Alicia.

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KOFI KINGSTON vs. CESARO (w/ Paul Heyman)

Cesaro and Paul Heyman are in the ring, Cesaro resplendant in his fabulous black and red Battle Robe. Heyman starts with his usual "the one who put the one in twenty-one and one" rant, but Cesaro cuts him off, saying you can't talk to these people in English.

The people briefly cheer, thinking Cesaro is being kind, but he proceeds to mock them for not even speaking proper French, closing with something in colloquial Quebequer Speak (apparently a word that sounds like "boogie" means "sucks").

Then the match starts, and we are in ultra-time-compression mode. Fueled by the power of revengening (Kofi upset Cesaro last Monday), Cesaro goes immediately into the Heel Beatdown. The crowd has some fun by chanting something with "Boogie" at him. This lasts about two minutes, then Kofi leapfrogs a corner charge, and turns it into a quick roll-up. Whoa.

Your Winner: Kofi Kingston, via pinfall, in 3 minutes flat. Kofi's now got 2 wins over Cesaro, which is a major throughline heading into the IC Title Battle Royale. Sets up a deal where Cesaro could win, but Kofi can say "Hey, you can't beat me one-on-one." Then again, maybe not, because...

After the Match: Cesaro is fixing to put another savage beating on Kofi, as he did last week after the upset. But Big E runs out to make the save. After last Friday, it seems like Cesaro vs. Big E is the throughline WWE is more likely to focus on, and this bit with Kofi is just to establish him as a viable threat in the Battle Royale. Which would be a nice change of pace, given that his participation in these multi-ways usually seems like a token nod so he can do some stunt spot that blows us away, before inevitably (and ignominiously) losing.

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EL TORITO (w/ one of Los Matadores; FYI, the other one just broke his ankle and will be out for about a month, that's why he's been missing) vs. "THE INSPIRATIONAL" BO DALLAS

This stems from Friday's show, where Bo beat the suddenly Lone Matadore, and then talked smack to Torito, leading to Torito goring Bo.

Bo opens the match by offering to fight on his knees, but has to think again after he gets slapped around. He ducks outside, KOs the Matadore, which causes Torito to charge in a blind fury. Bo just uppercuts his head off. Then he hits a running Bo-Dog.

Your Winner: Bo Dallas, via pinfall, in 90 seconds. Yeah, so it wasn't a workrate classic, nor was it particularly effective as comedy. But there was something very amusing about Bo celebrating the victory as if he'd just won ten Super Bowls.

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JOHN CENA vs. SETH ROLLINS (Non-Title)

As red hot as Rollins has been the last month or so, you'll remember that his real breakout night was a 20+ minute match against Cena back last winter. As a result of this, I had sky-high expectations once they announced this match... but they aren't even gonna try to match that, apparently. By the time the bell rings, it's 10:55pm (eastern), so we're looking at 10 minutes, tops.

I don't want to tell WWE their business (note: of course I do, because I have a very high opinion of myself), but is there any defensible reason for not cutting the pointless Alicia/Bella non-match and the Bo/Torito silliness, and repurposing those 7-8 minutes for this match? No, there isn't. Oh well.

Crowd's electric, per usual, with the dueling "Let's Go, Cena" and "Cena Sucks" chants. Perhaps sensing that they're behind the 8-ball, time-wise, they cut the opening back-and-forthy short, and go straight to Rollins taking command about 90 seconds in.

And then -- oh, fer chrissakes -- apparently the time management is even worse than I thought, because once Cena goes down, we get stuck watching....

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Back, and Rollins is working a hammerlock, and almost immediately Cena does that one spot where he gets up, with Rollins hanging off his arm and falls backwards, effectively slamming Rollins. Always impressive. Also, it seems like we're, essentially, joining Cena's fire-up/End Game in progress, as the two start trading near falls, too. Rollins gets one off a side slam, Cena reciprocates after a deadlift powerbomb. Also impressive.

Cena goes up top, but gets caught with a run-up enzuigiri. Only two. Rollins goes for a running elbow drop, but Cena moves out of the way. Five Moves of Doom. Five Knuckle Shuffle lands, but Rollins evades the F-U attempt... so Cena changes plans, and cinches in the SSTF.

ROllins goes for a rope break, but Cena drags him back to the middle of the ring...

And that's when Kane shows up. Cena releases the hold and watches Kane come down the ramp. And that's when Orton attacks from the other side.

Your WInner: Cena, via disqualification, in 8 minutes. And only 5 of those were televised (the other 3 were commercials). Lame. That's what I get for having expectations.

After the Match: Orton and Kane double-teamed Cena until Roman Reigns shows up for the save. Reigns clears those two out, but then Rollins strikes, using his briefcase as a weapon. Reigns goes down. Cena eats a few shots. And suddenly, Rollins has an idea: he calls for a ref, Charles Robinson shows up.

Rollins heads to the Timekeeper Cubicle and is about to turnover his MitB Briefcase, for a cash-in...

AMBROSE ALERT~!

Dean Ambrose leaps into frame (from out of the crowd), tackling Rollins. THERE WILL BE NO CASHING IN AS LONG AS DEAN AMBROSE DRAWS BREATH~! When will you fools learn?!?

Ambrose and Rollins powder out, brawling up the ramp... that leaves Orton to stalk Cena. But Cena catches him with a flash F-U. Kane sneaks up behind Cena, and grabs him for a chokeslam, but Reigns materializes and spears Kane out of his boots.

Cena and Reigns give each other a bit of skunk-eye, but Cena finally decides to shake Reigns' hand, and the two give off a lukewarm vibe of "Well, I don't like you, but I guess I don't hate you, either" as Reigns' music plays and we fade to black.

And so ends the show. I'm gonna try to not get TOO salty over the massively underwhelming main event, but the truth is: once WWE made everything official, I spent the afternoon with visions of "free per view" dancing through my head. Between Rollins/Cena and Jericho/Miz, I figured the sky was the limit.

And then Jericho/Miz was (by design) not exactly a world beater, and Rollins/Cena (lacking any compelling excuse) was downright disappointing. Like I said: that what I get for having expectations, I guess.

Luckily, Usos/Wyatts and (to only a slightly lesser extent) Orton/Ambrose were really excellent. But I didn't spend the afternoon anxiously awaiting either one. If I had, the tag match would have easily met any expectations, and Orton/Ambrose probably would have blown away my preconceptions (other than the botch spot, they really did work a match that effectively melded old school psychology and new-fangled moveset).

Outside of those four matches, it felt like a pretty rapid-fire (almsot "Crash TV") type of show, with lots of short segments, none of which developed into much (which is too bad when some of them teased good times, like Cesaro/Kofi or Sheamus/Sanhart), but which, on the other hand, also never lasted long enough to overstay its welcome or get to the point of really pissing me off even if they were pretty crappy.

So yeah, I'd have looked at the format sheet and gone, "Let's axe Alicia/Nikkii and Bo/Midget, and give Rollins/Cena a full 20." And I'd have been objectively right to do so.

But the way things played out, it's certainly not the end of the world, and this is a show that keeps things moving ahead nicely. The WWE Title fourway was featured, and Rollins and Ambrose just keep owning it, to the point where they are now the clearcut semi-main event for Battleground. The IC Battle Royale is looking strong. We've got a tag title match set. Rusev vs. Swagger is on the table.

And before we get there, I'll eat a bug if this didn't set up a Reigns/Cena/Ambrose vs. Orton/Kane/Rollins six-man for next Monday. That's Sustainable Episodic TV. And also: in the bigger picture, it's a pretty solid job by WWE of dealing with one of these increasingly rare abrupt 3-week turnarounds between PPVs.

Add it all up, and we'll call it a strong B-grade show.

See you next week, kids. And seriously, if you're not already a subscriber, take yourself a free peak of the WWE Network between now and then. You won't regret it.

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.